


Verbind Dich Mit Mir

by Meaka



Series: Mein Ein und Alles [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, First Time Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Torture, Injury, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Mental Anguish, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pre-Canon, Rimming, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:47:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 240,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24145372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meaka/pseuds/Meaka
Summary: Erwin Smith was confident in his decision making. Somehow, he knew that this man would be the finest decision of his life.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith
Series: Mein Ein und Alles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1836967
Comments: 419
Kudos: 596





	1. Wer Vögel fangen will, muß nicht mit Knutteln dreinwerfen

**Author's Note:**

> Hello to my lovely fellow Snk fans! After many joyful years of reading other's fics, I have finally decided to try my own. I have surprised myself in finding that I am a slow-burner levi x erwin fan.
> 
> This is a self-indulgent piece of work, and I am really writing this for myself to enjoy, with elements inspired my own thoughts on what may have happened pre-canon. It would be wonderful if other people enjoyed it too, and I am open to feedback, suggestions and (if anyone wants to offer) having my work beta'd.  
> This is literally the first thing I've ever written after being told in school that I was awful in English language and literature class, and was labelled by one teacher as the least creative pupil she ever had. Such motivation! It just turned out that all I actually I needed was to include gay porn in my writing to get creative! 
> 
> Anyway, on with the fic! I hope you enjoy reading it even a fraction of the amount I enjoy writing it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant.

That Tuesday, the winds changed direction, and it was summer. It had been a little over five weeks since the 23rd reconnaissance mission and the scouts were finally starting to resume a sense of normality. It was always a new type of normal, with life never being quite the same as it had been before a mission. Whole identities could be altered by the changes in the regiment, and friendship groups were often the first to suffer after the deaths of beloved comrades, with new dynamics emerging to try and plaster over the gaping wounds left by their absence. Some relationships were strengthened from time spent together under terrible circumstances, but some would inevitably break apart at the guilt and anger at the perceived faults leading to others’ deaths.

“You should have moved to the left quicker!” Erwin overheard one young female soldier screaming at a large, burly man later on the day they had returned. “You could have saved him!”

The man had sagged brokenly to his knees, sobbing and unable to take his hands away from his face.

Erwin ignored them. He had long decided to chose never to blame himself or his fellow soldiers, who were merely pawns in a bigger game that only he seemed to notice. It had been clear to him for years that the blame landed squarely on the shoulders of the Titans themselves, and their own corrupt government for their whatever it was he was sure they were covering up. Inculpating himself had no good impact on his own health or his ability to make decisions. And who was Erwin Smith, if not a decisive man?

Since returning and establishing his own new form of normality, the Squad Leader stuck to the same basic goal set that had never failed before to keep him resilient in the face of change. Prioritizing nurturing his own health, he always took care to look presentable and strong, to eat well and often, and to sleep dreamlessly in his quarters. When he trained, he would try to incorporate anything new he learned into his skill set. He would adjust the hold on his blades, (once even trying out Levi’s bizarre hold, but quickly discovering it just seemed frankly impossible) alter the tightness on the straps covering his body and practice his horsemanship. He also spent time watching the others train to see if they’d made any changes to their own techniques.

Watching them train gave him a good idea of their particular strengths and weaknesses. Some soldiers made for excellent frontmen. Others were perhaps better in a defensive position, depending on the specific formation he had in mind. It also allowed him to dream up some new formations for long range scouting.

His attention turned to one of their newest recruits, one who was moving with his usual inhuman grace through the trees and whose presence on the field would merit some adaptations to their current favoured formation in order to make maximum use of his incredible abilities. It was clear that the thug could at least listen to advice when it was given.

Today, Levi seemed to be purposely practicing conserving his gas. Each movement was tightly executed, each twist and turn purposeful in maintaining an angular momentum which would power the next.

 _Good, glad to see he has finally taken me seriously,_ Erwin thought to himself. He had never seen someone so naturally gifted at anything, except perhaps himself at leading and excogitating. _Levi was born for this_ , he mused.

Even only the first time he had watched him fly through the Underground after having meticulously orchestrating their meeting, Erwin had already decided how he would marshal this man's talents. It would be a shame to leave such a weapon to waste away in a jail or be left to hang from a noose.

It would take time, but he was determined to craft the dark-haired man mind and soul into his and humanity’s greatest weapon. It would come in useful on the battlefield and perhaps even provide political fodder for the Corps. Funding the Survey Corps was never high on the priority list of the nobility. But perhaps with the right bait-

Watching Levi move as if gravity had ceased to operate made the blonde feel as if his own way of moving through the air was almost clumsy and lumbering in comparison. Erwin knew this was nonsensical - of course, he was more than competent with the ODM, but he knew he could not and would never be able to move quite like that himself. Even Mike Zacharius had been awed, and that was saying something.

Levi's talent was glorious, but Erwin had noted subtle new behaviours in the younger man that would need to be rectified and the blonde felt instinctively that he was the only man for the job. Certainly no other officer in the corps felt Levi was yet worth keeping, even despite his incredible field performance.

Before his death, Flagon had placed the blame of Levi failing to assimilate firmly at the ex-criminal's own feet, ignoring the fact that as an Undergrounder, he would have always have come to them an outsider. All three thugs naturally would have been excluded from training in the military due to their lack of citizenship.

There was a push for inclusion of people willing to join from practically all Surface backgrounds- widening the pool allowed there to be plenty of people always willing to die on the front lines- but once training was nearly complete, the subtle drive for exclusion began.

The MP always wanted the ten best for themselves, but in terms of ranking the 'best', there was all too frequently an emphasis not just on ODM skill but on looking and sounding a certain way, and in one's ability to mingle within the right circles. The definition for talent was usually defined by those already in power, who had rigid views of what merit looked like- and it tended to be people who looked and sounded much like themselves.

The MP believed their exalted status derived from the complexity of their work, but really it came from the social identities of the people who had previously filled those roles that lent the occupation status. Their work wasn't difficult or challenging in any real way. 

It had long been a point of contention with Nile that the lack of diversity in their ranks limited the MP's pace of change for the better. Tall, straight, white, well-spoken, middle-class male entities were still paramount in their society, and such men were unlikely to rock the boat, rarely negotiating or advocating for major normative upheavals and pulling the ladder up behind them, thus preventing anyone else from being socially mobile.

In essence, such soldiers valued their lives not changing too much. Diversity felt like a risk to the MP, but they had to occasionally accept people who were different, as the branch being too white and male damaged their legitimacy in the eyes of the people they served in the Interior. By recruiting the occasional woman or person from a working-class background, their inclusivity was applauded, securing their rather deficient model of diversity, while simultaneously mostly keeping the status quo.

Yet as they demanded diversity, the people in the Interior also hypocritically expected to see their soldiers mostly coming from solid bourgeois backgrounds, simply because that was what they expected to see. Too many riff-raff from Wall Maria making their way to the capital was unacceptable in their eyes. 

Erwin had to admit that even within the Survey Corps, there was a distinct deficit of diversity among the soldiers who tended to make it to officer status. There was always a wide range of backgrounds among the cadets who arrived on a yearly basis, but that variety waned as one climbed up the military's social ladder, with the soldiers almost self-selecting themselves away from promotions if they suspected they wouldn't be a good fit from the get go

Those who did tended to have a higher-than average education compared to their peers who remained low ranking, and were more likely to come from richer backgrounds. However, the prevailing feeling among officers was that they got there principally due to their talent and individual merit, rather than because the system was stacked positively in their favour from the beginning.

The discussion on the dangerous myth of meritocracy was a threatening topic for many people, and even Erwin himself was susceptible to the belief at times.

Erwin continued to watch Levi as he moved nimbly between the cardboard titans he was training on. It seemed mad to allow talent to go wasted due to how someone looked or acted, and it had been one of the reasons Erwin was not yet willing to give up on incorporating Levi and obtaining his full loyalties to the scouts. The man seemed unlikely to devote his heart to the officers, but based on his history of taking in orphans and failed gang leaders, perhaps he could be convinced to feel an affiliation to the underdogs at the bottom of the hierarchy. 

When Erwin himself thought about what talent and performance actually looked like, his mind summoned a replay of Levi mid-flight, not the contested image of someone such as Mike Zacharias who fit the model well physically, if not socially. Bold new changes needed to be made to start the revolution of the corps that Erwin had in mind- by the time he reached commandership, the scouts would be a vastly different organization to the one in current existence.

Including people like Levi carried risk to the corps; and Erwin too carried the psychological weight of the consequences if the Undergrounder failed to fit in and succeed. It was in his interest for Levi to do well; and Erwin planned on taking full credit when he did.

In some ways, people celebrated difference, and Levi was _expected_ to be different from everyone and was valued for that in his own way by the men, but he was also simultaneously expected to assimilate quickly and to fit neatly within the military's arbitrary cultural codes, despite having come late to the organisation with no formal training or awareness of said codes.

The paradox was not lost on Erwin. Their systems and processes discriminated strongly against men like Levi, but knowing that the military was unlikely to change or amend any time soon meant it was instead time to fix and mould the wayward ruffian to fit into their way of life, whether he liked it or not. 

Finishing his stretches in the warm sunlight, Erwin turned to go shower and finish some paperwork in his office. He had noticed that recently, more and more red tape that should have been for the Commander was ending up piled on his desk. It was a signal of things to come.

For the last two years, Erwin had subtly been offloading important decisions from Shadis and making them his own. Now, he wondered if Shadis was complicit in this. With a smirk, he strode confidently back towards the barracks, wondering if he actually had enough ink left to complete the work.

~~~

Up in the trees, Levi sat and watched Erwin Smith walking away. He had instinctively known he was being watched, and normally wouldn’t have been overly affected by the scrutiny. But when it was Erwin Smith whose eyes were boring into the centre of him, Levi couldn't help but feel an irritating need to impress the man, and it irked him. Wanting to kill him had been an easier feeling to accommodate. 

A bell rang, signalling the opening of the canteen for dinner. Motionless, Levi watched as the others finished up and removed their gear before walking cheerfully towards the hall.

The recent mission had been ruinous for him. As mentally robust as he was, he had been finding it difficult to muster up any appetite for food. On initially coming to the surface Isobel, himself and Farlan had all been astonished by the idea of a mess kitchen with three hot meals a day. For the first week, Isobel had secreted others’ half-eaten bread rolls from their finished dinner trays in order to eat them in bed after curfew. Levi smiled inwardly at the memory. She had eventually been found out when the others in her dorm noticed all the crumbs in her sheets when she had been making her bed…

Suddenly, his expression saddened. He felt so utterly alone. Perhaps he would never again have such close friends - family really - with whom to share antics; to reminisce the memories of a lifetime which, despite its seemingly perpetual darkness and strife, had its good moments.

Big moments.

Heists that had gone well and MPs they had pissed off. Men who had been really very satisfying to kill.

But the best memories were the small, insignificant domestic times they had spent in their cramped home not necessarily doing much, but doing so together.

Unlike him, Isobel and Farlan had been extremely extroverted and had other friends in the Underground, usually acquaintances of what distantly-related family they still had left. Certainly they had had lovers too, though they never brought them back to meet Levi, fearing he would display his disapproval in violent ways.

There were many nights Farlan had announced he would be away with one woman or another, and then there had been that greasy-haired boy that Isobel had liked. At least he was better than the one who Levi was certain had never bathed a day in his life.

Although he couldn't quite describe himself quite as asexual, Levi had never indulged in that sort of relationship. His memories of his mother and his childhood coloured the act as a violent, frightening, and dangerous one, and he couldn’t imagine touching anyone else intimately; what if they weren’t clean? What potential partner would tolerate the insult of being asked to bathe first? 

Farlan had once tried, of course, to find him some woman who smelled nice and looked fresh, but he hadn’t been interested. His preference was for tall people. Who were clean. And that wasn't to mention his other preferences....

His eyes wandered to Erwin Smith’s office window, and he allowed his mind to drift. Since returning from outside the walls, he had felt an inexorable pull towards that man. An odd protectiveness. Odd, mostly because he was fairly sure that Erwin did not need his protection, or desire it. The tall, handsome bastard had the world at his feet. How he wasn't an MP with a beautiful wife and house in the Interior was beyond Levi; maybe he really did believe the nonsense he had spouted on the field. 

Levi leaned back against the gnarled bark of the enormous tree. Perhaps his mind was trying to replace the Farlan and Isobel-shaped holes left empty in his heart, and was going about it in an annoyingly weird way.

Ever since Kenny had left, he had been reluctant get too close to anyone else. Over a significant period of time, Farlan had proven himself worthy of making decisions on his behalf; he had certainly seemed to know what was best-

Until they came up to this accursed place. He had trusted Levi, and like everyone he got too close to, it had been Farlan's undoing. 

Levi sighed and put his head in his hands. He felt as if he knew nothing about this world and the people who inhabited it. How could he even try to find his place alone in this strange world? 

As the warm evening sun started to set, Levi stared out at the reddening sky. How long had he been sitting up in this tree daydreaming?

Realising that his ass had gone numb from sitting overlong, he gracefully launched himself out and down to the ground, then made his way towards the barracks. After dropping his gear off and cleaning it down, he noticed that card games were winding down in the rec room, and that the canteen had long been cleared and cleaned. It didn't matter; he wasn't hungry anyway.

“Levi,” a firm voice said from behind him.

Closing his eyes in exasperation, he didn't even bother to turn around, “Yes?” 

“You weren’t present at dinner?” Even without seeing his face, Levi _knew_ Blondie was giving him a stern and patronising look.

“No,” he replied, hoping that Erwin would just leave him alone.

“I’ve noticed you have been skipping meals. You won’t be able to keep up training like this.”

“Tcchh,” Levi scoffed, finally turning to look at him. “You're not my real mom.”

“Come to my office.” There was no room for arguing in his tone, nor did Levi have anything else to do.

Silently, he followed the blonde to the man's own personal quarters. As a squad leader, Erwin was entitled to his own office which had a bedroom and bathroom attached. The idea of having his own rooms was almost enough to convince him to be well-behave. He still found it nigh on impossible to sleep in the dorm he had been assigned with nine other men. Not that he was a good sleeper at the best of times, but his roommates seemed to all snore and toss about particularly loudly. Levi had never really been a bed sleeper and would have given much to have just had a reasonably comfortable chair to doze on in peace. 

Erwin’s quarters were south-facing and newly painted. They smelled fresh but looked rather spartan and cold. The door off the office that led into Erwin's bedroom was adjar, and through it Levi noticed a large bed and the usual bedroom furniture. In the office itself was a rather untidy desk, stained with coffee rings and looking in need of a good clean. Across one part of the table was a map with formations drawn on it, a few personal effects holding down each of the corners. A large bookcase stood near the window, which looked out towards the training grounds and had a pair of binoculars sitting innocently on the sill.

Levi sniffed and noticed a large pot hung over the lit fire in an ornate fireplace. The room was overwarm from the sun and the fire, and there was a slight haze of cigarette smoke, the same as the smell that always lingered slightly on Erwin's person.

“It’s tea. I hear it’s your beverage of choice?” Erwin gestured towards the fire. “Would you care for some?”

Levi rarely said no to tea from the surface. He supposed it was the same way some men felt about alcohol.

“I’ll indulge,” Levi replied, plopping down on the chair on the other side of the desk. “Just black.”

The tea was fucking good.

 _Of course, Smith only has nice things, Le_ vi thought, holding his cup carefully around the rim and taking a small sip. It must have been the man's own ration.

“I suppose you wonder why you are here?” Erwin prompted.

“Enlighten me,” Levi drawled.

Erwin reclined back into his own chair, eyes holding Levi’s gaze. “I know losing friends to Titans for the first time is hard. But you have decided to stay, and if you don’t want to be on the list of the deceased after the next expedition, then you need to start taking better care of yourself and build up your reserves.”

Levi snorted. “25 years in the Underground and you think I can’t look after myself, huh?”

He was fine. There was nothing wrong with him. He had always been slim, and this behemoth of a man just didn't understand that.

“Get on those scales, then, and we will see.”

In the corner of the room stood a set of medical scales. Levi had been weighed upon joining but hadn’t been able to understand the numbers and symbols on the scale. He had heard them say 62 kilograms. Levi could certainly count, but had never learned to read numbers or letters. rolling his eyes and wanting to prove the annoying blonde wrong, he walked over to the scales, watching the arrow swing as he stepped on them.

“57 kgs,” Erwin admonished, having appeared beside him to look down at the number. “You had hardly any body fat to begin with. That is all muscle you have lost.”

Levi stared down at the arrow, wondering how he had failed to notice any changes to his body himself. How had this other man noticed? Was he watching him so very closely?

Erwin sat down at the desk and folded his hands together. “I will be placing you on double rations until your weight is back up-” Levi gawped. Erwin held up a hand, “-and you will need to sign in at the mess at every mealtime so the medics can be sure you have finished your food. And I warn you, they will be checking. You aren’t the first nor the last I'm sure to come back from a mission with no appetite for anything. But I’ll be damned if I let you waste away because you can’t make the decision to come inside and eat. Eat alone, if you like. Eat with your squad. I don’t care. Just do it.”

“Fine,” Levi growled. “ _May_ I be dismissed?”

“Not yet,” said Erwin, returning to his paperwork. Levi sat watching him.

"I'll drink all your fancy tea," Levi threatened.

"Be my guest," the blonde replied without looking up, his hand gliding pen over paper.

Somewhat taken aback by the turn of the evening, Levi stared at the strange and often creepy man opposite him before shrugging and pouring himself another cup. Beside the window with the binoculars was a rather comfy-looking armchair, and without bothering to ask permission, Levi stood and moved over to it, settling himself down and peering out into the darkening countryside where the soldiers trained. If it annoyed the blonde, he didn't say anything.

For another half an hour, they sat in companionable silence; Levi watched the sun set off in the distance and then without speaking stood to light some candles from the fire once he noticed Erwin had begun squinting down at the page he was working on.

“Thank you,” said Erwin, continuing to write in the dim light.

Tea long gone and his view out the window much reduced, Levi turned his attention back into the office and watched as the candlelight flickered across Erwin’s features. His brows were relaxed and features smooth, almost as if he were enjoying filling in sheaf after sheaf.

Finally, Erwin cracked his neck back and looked at Levi, “You are dismissed.”

~~~

Lying in his dorm that night, Levi stared at the floor of the bunk above him. Gelgar was a big man but seemed to like being in the top bunk best. Levi wasn’t going to argue to over it, but it did make it trickier to sleep, as the big guy rocked and rolled in his sleep above him, shaking the two beds at variable intervals. Not that Levi could sleep anyway. His brain kept bringing him images of Erwin Smith's face with its ridiculously huge eyebrows, skin and hair golden in the evening sun, and then bronzed slightly in the candlelight.

He tossed over onto his side.

 _Just go to sleep_ , he commanded, as if his brain might just listen and shut off. It didn’t. _He had been watching me. Fucking creep,_ Levi thought, remembering back to the binoculars. Why did his brain seem to think this was such a delectable notion? He huffed and turned again.

“NnnHHhh,” came a sleepy voice above him. “Stop moving around so much, Levi.”

Levi rolled his eyes. He got up and quietly left the dorm. It was dark in the corridor, now being long after curfew.

 _I know what I want to do,_ he thought as he walked towards the men’s bathroom.

The men’s had several open showers, a few urinals and a couple of walled-off pits. It all smelled foul. Levi had had high hopes for the showering facilities when he had first arrived at the barracks and had been dismayed at the state of them. It was somewhere he would have liked to spend a lot of time, just standing beneath the hot water with his bar of soap.

Resolute, he grabbed cleaning supplies from the cupboard in the corridor and continued towards the men’s with a lit candle. Before entering, he decided to put a cloth around his mouth and nose, imbued with a few drops of the clove oil that some of the women used in their bathroom to freshen the place. It would at least help him tolerate the smell.

  
Several hours later, he paused in his efforts and looked around. Everything bleachable had been bleached. Everything mouldy had been scrubbed furiously. If it were daylight, the place would have shone. The clove oil and the candle had helped make the place smell more tolerable. Levi yawned, wondering how long it would last. _Now_ he felt deserving of some rest. His appetite for cleaning had returned, and once back into bed, he was granted a few hours of restorative sleep.

~~~~

“You smell very strongly of bleach.” Mike commented as Levi walked past him in the mess. “Are you responsible for the state of the men's? Did you piss someone off and have to clean as a punishment? If so, please keep making trouble. That place usually reeks, although, all that bleach burns my nose so I'm not sure that's better.”

“Hmmpf,” replied Levi, receiving his double rations from the server. Although he still hadn’t forgiven Mike for smashing his face into a trash puddle, Levi could tell the guy was trying to befriend him and apologise in his own clumsy way.

He began to walk over to an empty section of long table, not wanting company. The food smelled good for once and he felt his stomach rumble. He was just cracking open one of his boiled eggs when a tray was smashed down on the table opposite him.

“Hellloooo!!” Came a cheery, loud voice. Hanji Zoe sat down facing him head-on. “Room for one? Someone put you on double rations, huh? That’s a great idea champ, you need the protein, otherwise how are you going to be able to keep doing all those crazy moves?!”

 _Dear God_ , thought Levi, as still as a statue as he regarded the mad soldier with undisguised annoyance. _Why?_

“So, I thought we could talk Titans,” they continued without looking a response, digging into their beans and speaking with their mouth open. “No-one else wants to talk about Titans over breakfast, but food powers my brain to think of exciting things we should be considering. Like whether Titans need a balanced diet? Where do baby Titans come from? Are little Titans just baby Titans? Do they grow as they eat? I mean I….”

“Hanji.” Levi looked at them seriously. “Stop. Chew. Swallow. Then- and only then- talk if you absolutely must.”

“Ohhhh," they swallowed and wiped their stained mouth with the back of their sleeve. "I need your help in studying them. I know that I need to catch one to study it, and I figure you are the one to do it. You know, without being eaten and stuff.”

Levi regarded Hanji in disgust as they excitedly inhaled their breakfast in between furious bouts of chatter. It was as if they didn’t really have time to eat, like it was just something that needed to be done so they could get back to talking and thinking.

Hanji, continuing to talk while oblivious to Levi glaring straight through them, suggested that he could help by writing down his own observations from field work. Eyes averting down to his plate, he felt shame rise within him at the academic gulf between himself and these surface-dwellers. There was an assumption by everyone that he was literate. How and when was he supposed to say that he wasn’t?

Without excusing himself, he stood with his tray and headed towards a nurse seated on a raised area where the higher-ranking officers would sit and eat together. The nurse had been surreptitiously watching those placed on double rations, and he had paperwork for Levi to sign once he was satisfied his plate was cleared.

“Just sign here.” The nurse pointed at a dotted line.

Levi was relieved. There was a lot of writing above it, but luckily it seemed he didn’t to have to understand it. He scrawled an “X” down and walked off, feeling distinctly overfull.

Unbeknownst to Levi as he left the hall, Erwin stood and walked over to get a look at the document his soldier should have put his name to. 

“Keep this to yourself,” Erwin muttered quietly to the nurse after glancing at the document, returning to his seat and folding his hands together. 

Illiterate. 

His best soldier was illiterate. 

_Now_ , he thought. _What to do about it?_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having just put on a pot of tea to brew over his fire, Erwin leaned on his windowsill while reading through Levi’s medical documents.

It didn’t take long.

The areas supposed to be filled in by the recruit were all blank, except for an “X” at the bottom of each page. Farlan’s was in Erwin's other hand and although it wasn't blank, it looked like it had been filled in by a child. The writing was large, slanted, and hardly legible, with limited grammar and poor sentence structure. Isobel’s was blank also.

He sighed and put the documents back in a manila folder just as there was a knock at the door.

“Come in,” Erwin said loudly, moving to sit behind his desk.

Levi appeared, expression blank as it usually was when it wasn't simmering with anger. There was a flash of _something_ in his eyes when he smelled the tea brewing, and saw the two cups Erwin had purposefully set out on the table.

It had been three weeks since he had started double rations, and he was looking the better for it. His shoulders were wider, and it looked like he would need a new jacket and shirt soon. His face looked less sharp as well. Levi was young-looking, but now more so than ever.

Erwin gestured to him that he take a seat, and said nothing when the man made himself at home in the armchair.

“I wanted to talk to you about your double rations,” Erwin began, pouring the tea and handing Levi a mug.

From behind the rim of the cup, Levi glared at him defensively, “I’ve followed your orders and haven’t missed any meals,” 

“I know that,” he replied. “What I really wanted to talk to you about is the paperwork I asked you to do with the medics.”

“I’ve done that, too. Every time.”

“I know you have. I am shown them daily.” Erwin produced one of the documents with Levi’s “X” signature at the bottom, “Read out the top paragraph for me.”

A micro-expression of fear and shame appeared across Levi's face for the briefest of moments, and the man went very still. Levi sat rigidly staring at the piece of paper Erwin held out for him to take. 

“It just says that I’m on double rations and need to sign the paper,” Levi wouldn't look him in the eye.

“Anything else?”

“Not really.”

Erwin turned the document around to read it himself, "Let me read what I have written here. ‘Erwin Smith is my hero.’” Erwin pronounced, daring the clearly illiterate man to challenge him. The piece of paper said nothing of the sort, but Levi clearly didn't know that.

The slight-figured man gawped, then closed his mouth and swallowed. His breathing was so shallow that the steam from the tea rose up in an almost perfectly straight column of vapour. 

The blonde smirked. “So, you see, I know that you must be having-" he wanted to choose his words carefully, not really wanting to offend the other man. After all, it wasn't Levi's fault that he had grown up in the Underground "-difficulty with doing your reports." He finished diplomatically. "This needs rectified.”

He could see by this point that Levi was furiously embarrassed at being outed. Deciding to give the younger man a moment to compose himself, Erwin stood and walked towards the window, looking out at where some cadets were romping around with the horses.

“It’s…different in the Underground,” Levi started, clearly wanting to defend himself. “It’s not like there are schools and teachers. There’s nothing. Sometimes there wasn’t even light to read by…”

Erwin turned to look at him, not needing to hear excuses, “Levi,” he began, “you have extraordinary talent on the field. This-" he waved his hand dismissively, "-deficiency, it isn’t from lack of ability. It is from lack of opportunity. I understand that.” Erwin tried to speak gently, as if he were settling a spooked horse.

Levi turned his eyes towards him, wary of the offer of help.

“Progress may be slow as you are an adult, but I really think we can work on your literacy and get it to a good standard.”

“You don’t know that,” Levi gulped, eyes wide with something akin to fear. “I can hold a blade, sure, but I don’t even really know how to hold a pen, and...”

“You will do an hour a day with me.”

“What?!” Levi almost squawked. “When?”

“In the evenings after dinner. My father taught me to read during the evening when I was a boy." Erwin smiled at the memories from a lifetime ago. “We will start slow. There is no deadline for when you have to become literate. For all of us, literacy is a work in progress. I am still learning new words and improving my writing. There is no reason to put it off.”

Frozen in his seat, Levi was rigid with stress and disbelief. 

“I will make tea every evening at seven," Erwin suggested. "We can make good use of the long days while we can. We will start tomorrow.”

“Tcch," Levi made an odd noise behind his teeth. "What, you think I'm some sort of fucking charity case? And what do you want in return for ‘helping me?’” the agitated man made air quotes as he spoke.

Unsurprised at the thug's suspicion of him, Erwin laughed. “I want a literate and educated soldier who can read the documents he puts a signature to.”

Taken aback by the laugh, Levi shook his head, “Why bother? I could die any day on a mission.”

“I don’t live life like that,” Erwin stated, sitting back down at the desk and sipping his own tea. 

“You should have been an MP then.”

“Ha. I thought about it once, you know.”

“Oh?” The tension across Levi's tightly folded arms gave ever so slightly.

“Yes, when I was a young recruit in training and had a love interest who wanted children.” Erwin tilted his head back, conjuring up an image of Marie in his head. “I thought maybe I would be satisfied once children came along, once we had a house in the Interior, and I would realise that I didn’t want for anything bigger.” He paused, remembering the feelings he had briefly as a younger man.

“But then…?” Levi prompted.

He clenched a fist, “I realised that I would never be content with that. Joining the Survey Corps was my life’s real ambition, and it wasn’t fair to her to have a husband who may not have a long life expectancy. I let her go to follow my dream.” He looked at Levi. “But my dream requires me to be the best I can be. At everything.”

Levi nodded, seeming to understand that part at least. 

Erwin straightened up. “I need you, Levi. I sense you will become a vital part of the Survey Corps; it's something I’ve believed since I first saw you. I will work to make you the best you can be, if you will let me help you.”

Setting his now empty cup back on the tray, Levi continued to look uncertain. "I can try, I guess. As long as there is tea.”

Erwin let out a huff of laughter, “Good. Being able to write will be a wonderful thing for you, Levi. Writing binds humanity together. You will be able to record your thoughts, compose correspondence or poems and immortalise your name on paper. Writing is how we give ourselves a history, a chorus of voices each shouting out their own version of the story." He fixed Levi with an intense, piercing stare, "Help me, Levi, to build a future where we can look back and write humanity a glorious history together."

The young man stared at him with something that spoke of inspiration and Erwin knew he had won him over. Smiling, he clapped a hand on Levi's shoulder, and it wasn't brushed off. "It will be worth the effort Levi. I'll see you tomorrow at seven. Dismissed.”

For the second time that evening, Erwin noticed Levi’s eyes betraying a flicker of an emotion other than anger or shame, but it was so short lived that it was impossible to tell what exactly it had been. Then the young man nodded, got up and left the room. Erwin watched him go, before opening his desk drawer and looking at some small children’s writing booklets he had sourced from one of his father’s old teaching friends.

At the very least, this would be interesting.

Very interesting indeed.


	2. Aller Anfang ist schwer.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'To to find Levi attractive was surprising, but might come in useful. He could exploit a reciprocal attraction. It had been already an eccentric decision, to make Levi join them. 
> 
> To play the long game, this slow seduction of another, was simply the next stage. '
> 
> Erwin Smith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant.

It was two weeks into Levi's literacy lessons, and according to his blonde teacher, he was making good progress. Initially, he had really struggled to hold a pen properly; Levi found his fingers had felt clumsy around the small object, and he was still pressing too hard on the nib.

"If you press too hard, the paper will rip and the nib will snap," Erwin commented. Levi threw his head back in exasperation. "Loosen your grip and you may find you don't need to press as hard. Imagine you are stroking the page with the pen."

Slowly, he felt the small muscles in his hands adjust to the new movements. His fine motor skills began to improve, and he even began to recognise letters and numbers written on doors and gear labels.

At first, Erwin made it like a game. Levi had to use the pen to join the dots to form pictures of animals, plants and houses. Then he began joining the dots to form letters, starting with the vowels. Erwin had always preferred teaching phonics rather than insist on the rote learning of letters. Consonants followed, along with the use of umlaut and eszett. The difference it made was subtle, indicating a different vowel quality.

"Do you need to learn numbers too?" 

"I can count and do sums and shit, but I don't know how to write them." 

Outside of his private lessons, Levi found himself practicing his letters in his mind's eye everywhere he went. In his spare moments outdoors, he would trace the letters into the dust with a foot. Indoors, he would draw with a finger onto the table. Even in sleep, he dreamed of writing, of holding his pen carefully. Levi had some scraps of paper Erwin had given him, and he used them to practice penmanship, drawing doodles and likenesses of people. He found himself sometimes drawing Erwin's face, before catching himself on and screwing up the paper, tossing it into a bin.

“Now, let’s see if you can string letter sounds into words as you read. ”

“Duh-oh-guh,” Levi carefully spoke the sounds as he read the letters. “Dog?”

“Excellent, Levi!” Erwin looked delighted with him.

“Cuh-ah-tuh. Cat.” Levi frowned. "Can't you teach me fun words?" 

The prim blonde looked perplexed, "Like what?" 

"Like swear words? Fuck, shit, bastard. Stuff like that. Then I can address you properly in writing." 

Barking out a laugh, Erwin took the joke well and began spelling out the crude words. Some words proved more difficult than others. The combination of ‘ph’ becoming ‘fuh’ was confusing and annoying. And some words sounded the same, but had different spelling.

“Why do some words sound similar but get spelled differently?” Levi asked.

“I suppose it is for the reader’s benefit, to best judge what exactly the writer’s meaning is,” Erwin reasoned. “It is easier to tell in spoken language exactly what a speaker is trying to tell you. You have non-verbal cues to look at and a context. Sometimes the isolated written word can be ambiguous.”

“Uh-huh,” replied Levi, looking unconvinced.

“You are progressing well,” Erwin reassured. “You ought to be pleased with your progress, it isn’t something that can be rushed. Next week we can focus on getting the sizes of your letters more even, but as far as I can currently tell, we have all the time in the world.”

Levi looked up in time to see Erwin smiling proudly at him, and gave the smallest of smiles jn return. Then the blonde returned to his own writing, his hand flying across the paper in a beautiful cursive script. Levi wasn’t sure he would ever master writing to that extent, and was even a bit concerned whether or not he could learn to read such complicated-looking characters. He looked down at his own writing. It was large, ugly, and shaky, and every letter was a different size. Levi wasn’t really sure why Erwin was proud of…..whatever this was he had put to paper, but he seemed pleased and that gave Levi some sort of weird warm glow inside.

He leaned back to take a short break and enjoy the tea in his fine china cup. Without thinking about it, he silently sat and watched Erwin. 

He had a nicely defined face, and the body of a man who had always known the sun, and never experienced real hunger. On anyone else's face, the big eyebrows would have been unattractive, yet Levi had to admit Erwin suited them and wondered if the blonde plucked them to keep them tamed. 

Finally, Erwin must have felt his gaze on him, for he looked up and raised one of those large, quizzical eyebrows in amused curiosity. 

“It’s been an hour. My brain is fried,” Levi deadpanned. 

“Ahh. Well, you are welcome to be dismissed, if you like?”

“I’ll finish this tea.”

Levi felt in no rush to leave. He wondered why. Certainly, he had found himself more tolerant of Erwin’s company for awhile now. The start of the two weeks had been awkward, but they had settled into a comfortable routine. Now, his lessons were something he looked forward to.

 _Blah_ , he thought taking another sip, G _et a grip_.

~~~~~~

Friday afternoons were Erwin and Mike’s sparring time together. It had been time specifically set aside for the last two years by both of them to practice hand-to-hand combat. Mike favoured offensive movements and, being one of the larger and more experienced soldiers in the Corps, provided Erwin with a well-matched opponent. Erwin himself favoured a mixture of offensive and defensive movements, and he seemed determined to keep himself sharp.

"One never knows when such skills will be needed," Erwin had once said to him, in that annoyingly cryptic way of his.

Mike had initially been surprised when he had discovered Erwin’s underlying and rather long - lived distrust of other people, but he had since seen enough over the years to accept that there were people out there who meant to do them harm.

Only the year before, a man who many had trusted as a loyal Survey Corps soldier, was outed as a mole for the government. Papers were going missing, and Shadis once came down with a spectacularly bad episode of ‘food poisoning’ which nearly killed him, and had most certainly aged him. Erwin had sniffed out the man; there had been papers and important letters stuffed into his mattress. Then the man and the whole nasty business had just….vanished.

He still wasn’t sure entirely how Erwin had made the man disappear without arousing suspicion from the Government. Nor exactly how Erwin had disposed of him. But Mike had learned his lesson the hard way, and now when forced to attend events, galas and balls in Mitras, Mike was suspicious of everyone.

He was still distrustful of Levi.

“He was pretending to fit in, in order to kill you,” Mike reminded Erwin, whilst aiming a kick at his ribs.

Erwin dodged and retaliated by grabbing Mike’s ankle mid-kick, aiming his own for Mike’s crotch, “Yes. However, I want him to feel he has something bigger than himself to fight for again.” He missed as Mike twisted and wrenched his leg out of Erwin’s grip. “Now that he has no one, I want him to feel he has us, a new family to protect. That the whole world is out to get us, and we need him to protect us.”

Mike aimed an elbow at the side of Erwin’s face; he wasn’t one for fighting fair.

“Yeah well, they probably are,” Mike agreed, annoyed that Erwin kept anticipating his moves and ducking out of harm’s way. “We can agree on that!”

They stood in fighting stance a couple of metres apart, sweating from the exertion.

“I could see in your eyes that you wanted him, Erwin, from the second you saw him move during that first Underground chase. The first hurdle was catching him, but there will be so many more before he really is one of us.”

Mike remembered back to that first day in the Underground with a barely supressed shudder. It was a miserable, fetid city; no sewage system meant that human waste was left on the streets; there were puddles of filthy, contaminated water streaming down every alley.

He had chosen to mouth breathe for the next week, as they scouted out where they thought these three criminals might appear next. Of course, as it had turned out, they were all looking for each other anyway. Both parties wanted to meet. Both parties were looking to deceive.

The third night, they finally got a glimpse of what Levi was capable of. He was clearly being chased, and was in ODM gear. He had swung out and around a tall tower, using his momentum to flip once and drop vertically down into a cart filled with hay, disappearing from view. To the men chasing him, it must have seemed as if he had simply vanished into thin air. His feet never once touched the ground. Knowing how much he disliked dirt, Mike could now see why Levi had been careful to stay airborne.

They had followed the cart, shocked that this small man was the criminal they were looking for, and watched Levi shoot out minutes later, fly through a small open window and then emergence silently and rapidly from another. They had lost track of him after that, until they found him and his friends the day they were ‘caught’. Mike doubted Levi could really be caught, if he didn’t want to be.

When Mike had looked round after that first sighting to see Erwin’s expression, the man had an odd gleam in his eye, one Mike had seen before, when Erwin was a new trainee at only 15, and had spotted the then-Commander’s bolo tie.

Now, it appeared he had spotted a new toy. 

At first, Mike had been sure that Levi was actually a child, he was so small. In medical, they had assured the officers that Levi was likely in his early twenties.

_‘He has two wisdom teeth that have come through. He is at least seventeen.’ The dentist had affirmed._

Despite being as strong and skilled in hand-to-hand combat as he knew he was, Mike had felt comparatively clumsy and slow when he had fought Levi during their chase. The force and skill of this tiny man had astonished him. It had been a long time since he had been disarmed by another.

If it weren’t for Erwin appearing at just the right time (and he always did seem to appear at just the right moment), Mike was sure he would be dead. Pushing the insolent squirt’s head into the mud afterwards sure had felt good.

“It will be easier to indoctrinate him, now he has no friends,” Erwin stated.

“By the Walls, Erwin,” Mike whispered. “That’s cold, even for you.”

“All I really wanted out of this was him. His friends might have proven an asset for missions with their ODM skills, but they were distraction to him. As good as they were with ODM, they would have hindered my ability to get really close to Levi. They would never have fully accepted me, and his overriding loyalty would have been to them. Say what you want about Levi, but he is certainly loyal. I didn’t plan their deaths, but it has made things……easier for me.”

“Don’t ever let him hear you say that.”

He put a hand on Mike’s shoulder. Mike could tell their sparring session was over.

“Thank you. I know.”

“Just take care. I know what you can be like.”

“Ha!” Erwin smiled at him. “I’m sure it looks like an obsession-”

“It is an obsession.”

"-but I assure you,” Erwin cut him off, “that it is part of a bigger plan.”

“Uh-huh. I would tell you what I smell from all this, but you’ll just pass it off as something else.” Mike stretched and yawned. “I’m off to shower. Perhaps you should too.”

“Sure. Thanks, Mike.”

Later, as Mike stood under the hot water, he thought about what exactly he could smell during their conversation earlier.

Erwin was an unusual man, in that he had no real scent that Mike could detect. Everyone Mike had met up to that point had some sort of defining scent markers.

  
But on very rare occasions, Mike could smell that Erwin’s mood was different. Once, had been when Erwin had been made Squad Leader. It had been a short, sharp burst of excitement, like a brief eruption of pheromones from Erwin, reminding Mike of the smell of pine trees.

During the spar, Erwin had just smelled of nothing, as usual, until the conversation turned to Levi.

And then……..there it was.

The unmistakable scent of arousal.

~~~~~~~

The leaves on the trees were starting to redden in the autumnal evening. Erwin had overheard Hanji explaining it to Levi at the mess' dinner table.

_“The trees reabsorb all the goodness from the leaves, and then they go dormant over winter,” they said._

_“What about the spiky trees?”_

_“Those are evergreens. They have evolved specifically to survive in really dry, difficult climates and never really go dormant.”_

_“Oh,” Levi looked genuinely interested. “They look nice. The red leaves. And then they drop off, right?”_

_“Yup. Then new ones start to grow in the spring.”_

Levi was now sitting opposite him in Erwin’s quarters, diligently copying out words in his ever-improving script. His features looked soft in the evening light. Levi had doffed his cravat; it lay untied, pooled on the tabletop beside his elbow.

Today, Erwin had brought along some simple children’s books for Levi to practice reading, with mostly three letter words strung into short sentences. He hoped Levi wouldn’t find them infantile and feel insulted.

Thankfully, he didn’t seem to mind. Levi successfully read out the sentences, his finger dragging along under the sentence as he read. By the third book, he had seemed to memorise the view of some of the words, and could pronounce them without thinking through the sounds each individual letter made.

Erwin felt as proud as a mother hen. He watched Levi’s lips as he read aloud.

Thought about how nice it might be to press his own against them, to snatch the book away from Levi’s hand and toss him on his back over the table.

Wondered how shocked Levi would feel if he knew what he was thinking about.

Erwin kept a close ear to the ground when it came to soldiers fraternizing. He had no particular qualms about it, but thought the information could be useful if blackmail were ever required. As of yet, he had heard nothing of Levi having an interest among anyone in the Corps. But he seemed the type to warm up slowly to others, so it was no real surprise.

Erwin allowed himself to enjoy the occasional fling at some of the balls the nobility held in Mitras, where he often attended as Shadis’ right-hand man. In contrast to the increasingly aging Commander, Erwin shone brightly, exuding youth, vitality and assurity for the future. Erwin found himself the object of female attention of all ages, and had indulged a few times, so long as he felt there would be a financial benefit. Of course, he would never accept money outright, but it usually found its way into the Corps coffers as an anonyomous donation.

Erwin leaned back in his chair to appreciate Levi more easily. The younger man wasn’t traditionally good-looking, yet something drew Erwin to him. He had felt the frisson of sexual desire from the very first moment, and longed to exert a physical as well as a political dominance over him. Erwin was sure that in a fight they would be well matched, and in the air Levi was king. So, really that only left the bedroom. He enjoyed being more experienced than his lovers, and found it unsettling when he was the less accomplished partner.

He was almost certain Levi would be less experienced than him, but he had no real proof. Levi was skittish when touched; Erwin often would ‘accidentally’ brush against him when they were in close proximity, and Levi would pull away as if burned. Perhaps he just didn’t like men?

In general, Erwin preferred women. He had experimented with other men, of course; it was reassuring to know that an unwanted pregnancy wasn’t a concern. But in general, other men were less easy to control than women and it was harder to make them fall in love.

He had nearly married one woman. Marie had possessed a soft loveliness to her, and was easy to manhandle in bed. He enjoyed when a woman swooned in his presence, and he had a particular penchant for blondes, so to find Levi attractive was surprising, but might prove to be useful. He could exploit a reciprocal attraction.

It had been already an eccentric decision to make Levi join them. To play the long game, this slow seduction of another, was simply the next stage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to get a really good idea of where I'd like this story to go. It might seem a bit dark before it starts to get better XD
> 
> Please let me know if you have any ideas of scenes between these two you might like to see!


	3. Er Fühlt dich nicht wohl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unbeknownst to them, ‘The Dreaded Sweat’ was once more been circulating through the towns and the ranks. The Sweat was a terribly swift and cruel Surface illness, which snatched young men in the prime of their lives. 
> 
> Levi hadn’t received the vaccination at his initial medical, as it had been the wrong time of year for a recruitment and none were in stock. He had never really been truly ill before, even when plague had swept through the Underground, killing off about 20 percent of the population. He thought himself immune to most illnesses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant.

It was whilst queuing for dinner that night that Levi first noticed the soreness in his throat and the feeling of being slightly too cold. Earlier that day he had felt tired, and noted that his movements in the ODM gear had been off. He had blamed Gelgar for stealing his sleep. The man had a particularly restless night, seemingly involving a wet dream about someone called ‘Jose.’ Gelgar had since been taunted unceasingly during the day by the other men who shared their dorm. But perhaps the tiredness was more than that. Levi had considered sacking off the meal and going to bed, but was now conditioned to go and eat three times a day.

Unbeknownst to them, ‘The Dreaded Sweat’ had once more been circulating through the towns and the ranks in the Corps. The Sweat was a terribly swift and cruel Surface illness, that snatched young men in the prime of their lives. Every decade or so, hundreds of young men in their twenties would succumb. The people said of it that a man could be merry at luncheon, and dead by dinner. The affected person would feel tired at first, then develop a drenching sweat. If he survived the first 48 hours, then he was safe. But there had been reports of men dropping dead in the street or in the middle of a conversation, seemingly well moments beforehand. Children who had it seemed to become immune as adults. Few women ever perished, and the elderly seemed equally unaffected.

It had minimal impact on the Corps this year, as most of the soldiers had previously had it as children or received the relatively newly created vaccination to it. Some unlucky men experienced a mild illness but were back on their feet within the week. Levi hadn’t received the vaccination at his initial medical, as it had been the wrong time of year for a recruitment and none were in stock. He had never really been truly ill before, even when plague had swept through the Underground, killing off about twenty percent of the population. He had thought himself immune to most illnesses.

Levi sat with the others in the mess hall, slowly pushing his kedgeree round the plate with his fork.

“Hey shorty,” came Hanji’s voice. “You don’t look so hot. You not hungry?”

“No, I just……don’t like kedgeree,” Levi lied.

“Do you feel well?”

“I feel fine.”

“Ok,” they said, unconvinced. “Well, I gotta go. Experiments to do! You wanna come?”

“No thanks,” Levi replied, standing up. “I think I’ll call it a night.” He cleared his tray and headed back to his dorm.

Once back, he shut the door, flopped onto the bed, and closed his eyes. He was the first one to bed, and it was still bright outside. At least he would be granted some peace and quiet. 

_I just need a lie down before Erwin’s lesson_ , he thought to himself. _Just a few minutes_.

~~~~~~

Later that night, Levi awoke to pitch darkness and nine men snoring around him disharmoniously. He had fallen asleep fully dressed. At some point the others had all come in and gotten into their own bunks. He sat up. A blanket had been draped over him. He felt thirsty, and walked unsteadily down the hall to the men’s where there was a water fountain. After a drink, he splashed some water on his face. Gripping the sink, he stared up at the mirror. In the moonlight he looked paler than usual, and the circles under his eyes seemed darker.

 _I just need more sleep_ , he thought, heading back to his bed. Still too tired to change, he flopped onto his stomach and was asleep seconds later.

~~~~~

“Zacharias?”

“Yessir!”

“Zoe?”

“YESSIR!”

“Berner?”

“Y-yes sir!”

“Langnar?”

“Yes Sir!”

“Levi?”

Silence.

“Levi?” Again there was no reply. Erwin looked across at the soldier performing roll call. He was whipping his head back and forth looking for Levi among the ranks.

“Oh, ah sir!” Hanji Zoe waved their hand frantically.

“Yes, Zoe?”

“Last night he wasn’t acting his normal cheery self. He may be off sick today.”

“Alright then. Thank you. Wagner?”

“Yes sir!”

Roll call continued. Erwin frowned. Levi hadn’t turned up the previous night to continue literacy lessons. Granted, Levi was finding it tough and not always enjoying it, but he had never failed to turn up yet. Perhaps he really wasn’t well.

The sun shone down brightly on the regimen as they practiced hand-to-hand combat. By lunchtime, they were exhausted and in need of a shower and sustenance. Erwin was pleased that he no longer had to use the general men’s room. His officer’s bathroom was spacious, private and clean. It was somewhere he enjoyed spending time when he had it. On his way there, he stopped by the San.

“Hello Doctor Becker.” A small, stout man with clever eyes looked up at him from the nurse's station.

“Oh, hello Squad Leader. How are you today? Not feeling under the weather I hope?”

“No doctor.” Erwin looked around the San. “Just checking to see if you have anyone new today.”

There were around ten beds, each occupied by men and women who looked like they had various injuries from training. Lugner in bed two had broken his humerus last week; when flying through the trees with the ODM, he had failed to avoid a wooden Titan that surprised him. There was also a young woman in bed ten, who appeared to be in for stress-related issues. She was glassy-eyed, sat bolt upright, grinding her teeth. Such admissions were not uncommon, especially after one’s first mission outside the walls. Many soldiers ended up medically-retired on such grounds, even at the tender age of 18.

The white-haired man shook his head, “No, not today. I’m full anyway. Any more would probably need transferred out to the civvies’ hospital.”

“Alright, well, thank you.” Erwin left, feeling less than reassured. He decided to stop by Levi’s dorm.

 _I'm overreacting_ , he thought to himself. He would check out the room, and Levi would be fine, perhaps cleaning or just sulking over something unimportant.

 _Although,_ Erwin mused, _it's not like him to miss our lessons._ ’

Erwin knocked on Levi’s dorm door. “Levi?” He called. No reply. “I’m coming in,” he announced, pushing the door open.

Inside, Levi lay on his back in his bunk, head turned to one side, eyes closed and still fully clothed with his dusty boots on. A fine layer of perspiration covered him. Erwin set a hand on his shoulder to shake him awake. He could feel the heat from Levi through the man's damp, white shirt. “Levi?”

~~~~~

Levi felt like he was floating. He had slept so deeply that he couldn’t recall what he had dreamt about. He roused briefly, thinking he had heard his name being called, but just as quickly was snatched back to sleep.

Now he began to enter an odd world. Darkness. The smell of the Underground. Suddenly, he was on his chair in his and his mother’s room. His mother lay on their thin straw mattress.

_“Mother?” he asked._

_“Levi….” she called weakly, reaching out a hand to him, “Water, please…”_

_Levi tried to get up to bring her the glass that had appeared in his hand, but his legs wouldn’t move._

_“Mother?”_

_“Levi!” Her bed began to move slowly into the distance, the room elongating abnormally._

_“Mother, come back!” He watched as she moved further and further away from him, calling his name._

_“Levi……….Levi………….LEVI!” The voice deepened and he could feel his shoulders being shaken._

“Mother!” He opened his eyes, gasping, a bitter taste in his mouth from the dryness on his tongue. He saw everything around him in a feverish delirium. Erwin was there; he was asking him something, but it didn’t seem coherent. Levi dropped his heavy, throbbing head back on the pillow as two more men appeared. They were definitely imploring him to do something, but he couldn’t understand what they wanted. He closed his eyes and fell unconscious again.

~~~~~

“I can’t put him in the hospital wing,” the doctor stated, staring down at the sweaty and deeply unresponsive figure in the bed. “He could infect the others. We presume the vaccine has taken for them, but I can’t risk it.”

“What about the quarantine room?” Erwin asked.

“I don’t have enough nurses to run the whole main bay, and constantly observe him in the side room.” The doctor shook his head. “And he _will_ need constant surveillance. It will be a case of waiting out the first forty eight hours and seeing if he survives.”

The only other option was sending him to one of the civilian hospitals. Apart from the swanky hospitals for the aristocracy in Mitras, the civilian hospitals were all dirty and old. Undoubtedly Levi would languish there and succumb. Unless..... 

“Well he can’t stay here in his dorm,” Erwin pointed out, reasonably. “The whole room will require a deep clean before the others may return tonight.” The answer seemed obvious. “I had the sweat when I was six,” he glanced back down at the sick man on the bunk, “and I’ve also had the vaccine. I should be immune to it.”

“You don’t know for sure.” The doctor fiddled with a button on his jacket uncertainly. “It’s a big risk.”

Erwin looked thoughtful. “Meier?” A young woman peered into the dorm nervously, holding a cloth over her mouth and nose. “Bring a cot to my quarters.” The woman saluted and strode quickly away, clearly glad to be excused from the sick room. He turned back to the doctor. “We will move him to my quarters. I'll keep an eye on him, and inform you if he needs medical care.”

The doctor continued to look uncertain. "I will want to send a nurse every four hours, to perform routine observations of course. And I will give you medication to try and reduce the fever and palliate the symptoms. You will let one of us know immediately if you have concerns?”

“Of course,” Erwin replied, staring at his deathly pale charge.

Without stirring once, Levi was moved onto a gurney and carried to Erwin’s own bed. He decided he would take the cot in the meantime. The nurse deftly removed Levi’s uniform and boots, replacing them with a hospital gown. Erwin averted his eyes to give the man privacy. Then, Doctor Becker administered some sort of powdered concoction with some water, before taking his leave.

“Good luck, Smith.” He clapped a hand on Erwin’s shoulder. "Remember to wash your hands frequently."

Erwin watched them all go, before pulling up a chair at his desk where a large pile of paperwork lay. He picked up his favourite pen and continued a report from earlier.

After three more hours of reports and a small tumbler of whiskey later, Erwin readied himself for sleep and cast one last look over the man on his bed. Levi appeared comfortable, and hadn’t moved a muscle since arriving except to gently breathe in and out. Preparing himself for the bad back he would inevitably get sleeping on the hard cot, he made himself as comfortable as possible and fell asleep to the sound of the other man's hushed breaths.

~~~

He awoke several hours later in the pitch-dark as the sound changed to soft groaning and generalised thrashing. Stretching out his stiff back, Erwin stood up and lit a candle, moving towards the bed to get a closer look at the occupant.

Levi was once again drenched in sweat. The covers had been kicked off the bed and he was trying to remove his gown in his disorientation. His breaths sounded laboured and harsh, and his small hands were cold yet his forehead burned.

"Where am I? What's going on?" Levi's dry voice rasped and he closed his eyes against the light. "Farlan?"

"No, it's Erwin."

"Erwin? Are we Underground?

"You are in my quarters," Erwin explained as he took a seat on the bed, unsure how much of this conversation Levi would truly remember. However, maybe some reassurance would settle his delirium. "You have a bad fever and are unwell. Stay in bed and rest." He tried to thread one of Levi's hands back through the arm of the gown, but the thing was sticky with perspiration, and Erwin decided it was probably more comfortable to let him keep it off. Sweat rolled off every inch of the younger man's feverish skin and Erwin could feel it radiating from where he sat beside Levi on the bed. 

"I have to go to roll call." In considerable agitation, Levi gripped the edge of the mattress to try and pull himself off the bed, only to have Erwin push him back down again. "I'm late, let me up I'm late." As weak as a kitten, he collapsed back against the bed and continued to fret, apparently beyond retaining any of Erwin's attempted reassurances. 

"It's night time, Levi," Erwin pointed to the window on which his curtains didn't quite meet in the middle. "See, it's dark outside. It's time to be in bed, not to go to roll call. Besides, you are too ill to train. You can't even sit up." 

Pushing against the blonde, Levi fought to roll over, "I need my clothes. I'm late." 

Grabbing a cloth and some water, Erwin set about trying to cool Levi down. 

"You have a fever," he reiterated slowly, wringing the cloth out and wiping it across the younger man's chest and neck. "It is night time and you are to stay in bed. That's an order. Here, drink." 

The cold, damp cloth and sips of water seemed to soothe him. Levi dozed fitfully for a while, mumbling and tossing his head. Occasionally his arms would come up and reach for things that weren't there. Levi's head bobbed in time with his pounding heart, and he made shallow breathy pants as his metabolism continued on in its drive to sweat out the infection. With Levi naked in his bed and wandering in his own mind, Erwin considered how his one-time supposed-assassin would balk at being so defenseless in his target's presence. Hopefully he wouldn't recall most of his feverish actions. 

_The sheets need changed_ , Erwin mused as he realised that his pyjama pants were becoming drenched in sweat from where it had soaked the bedsheets. Wet sheets couldn't be comfortable to lie on, and Levi was normally fastidious with his hygiene. 

For a while, Levi lay limply against the mattress and allowed Erwin to nurse him. Occasionally Erwin manoeuvred his arms back down to the bed if they came up to flail at his hallucinations, but at one point Levi's hand unexpectedly came up to touch hesitantly at Erwin’s face. As it was gentle and his charge didn't seem in distress, he didn't remove it this time, but let the shaky fingertips trace out his features as Levi regarded him with fever-bright eyes. Erwin stared silently back, feeling himself lean into the ghosted touch and wondering what was possibly going through Levi's mind. His knuckles lingered along Erwin's jawline before trailing up to pet his hair. Sitting stock still, Erwin's face softened and he placed his own hand against Levi's hot cheek, the dark head turning into his palm; a sigh issued out of Levi's lips, his breath warm and soft against the inside of Erwin's wrist.

Then the moment was over. Deliriously garbling a few nonsense words, Levi began to lose focus again and drop off to sleep. Unconsciously, Erwin set a hand over the one that was still touching him with such surprising gentleness, guiding it back down to Levi's chest and rested his own over the top of it. The man resumed shivering, and Erwin sighed as he looked over at the clock, wondering if he were likely to get any more sleep tonight. 

Despite his best attempts to settle the fevered man, Levi soon awoke again and this time called out for his mother to help him, suddenly seemed terribly frightened of Erwin. He kept pushing him away and fervently tried once again to escape the bed. He began tossing his head, his eyes roving around the room as unseen things caught his attention. When the tears started, Erwin knew himself defeated and went to summon the night doctor on duty.

The doctor and a female nurse arrived looking concerned, and spent a long time looking at the small and very dark sample of urine Levi had just about managed to produce in his dehydrated state, then prodded at his neck, armpits and abdomen. Levi seemed calmer now that a woman was speaking in gentle tones to him. He would allow only her to touch him, and held tightly onto her hand as she tried to orientate and console him. He was murmuring apologies to her as she wiped his face; something about being found and not staying hidden like he had promised.

"He is really burning up, and his glands have finally swollen. The next 48 hours will be rocky. He needs to drink more, Smith. At least three litres a day," the doctor chastised. 

"Do you have spare sheets?" The nurse had stood and was now peering through Erwin's cupboard. Levi's head had turned to follow her, clearly not wanting to let her out of his sight for even a moment. Perhaps in his delirium he truly believed she was his mother. 

"Ah, yes. Let me give you a hand." He handed her down a newly laundered set, making a mental note to grab a few extras the next day.

"If you lift him for a minute, I'll swap these old ones for fresh sheets." She stroked Levi's hair away from where it was plastered to his face, "Sweetheart, Erwin is going to lift you up so I can freshen up the bed." 

He nodded and tried to sit up. Wondering at Levi's acceptance of the pet name and his readiness to do as she bid, Erwin pulled the now calm Levi off the bed and into his arms and watched as the nurse expertly turned down the bed with neat hospital folds and corners that he was sure Levi would have loved if he were awake enough to appreciate it. He shifted the weight in his arms; never had Erwin met a fully grown man who was this small, or this strong. It seemed impossible for Levi to be both simultaneously.

“My chest hurts,” Levi said quietly, sounding the most lucid he had so far this night. Erwin felt profound relief at hearing his voice sounding less distressed, even though it was hoarser than usual. He still didn't seem to realise yet that he was in a state of undress. Not that Erwin cared; it was nothing he hadn't seen before and he personally felt no shame in nakedness.

Swiveling around to address the actual patient, the doctor had a listen with a stethoscope to Levi's chest once Erwin laid him back on the bed. “Lie on your front, son. It will ease the pain. I'll give you something that might stop the sweating.”

Levi did as he was told, but he still looked disorientated and helpless. The nurse laid warm, damp cloths across his back, legs and neck, before moving to open the window to let in a breeze. It was clearly unpleasantly chilly for Levi whose teeth were chattering violently, but it would help reduce the fever. When Erwin had the sweat as a child, they had told his father to try and sweat out the fever by piling blankets high on him and lighting the fire in the room. How things had changed in the last thirty years. 

The doctor was crushing herbs and powder together, rolling them into pills which were easier to take than their powdered form. Erwin knew from personal experience that they were terribly bitter.

~~~~~~~~

Levi awoke from a truly bizarre dream, one where he was covered in sticky cobwebs after trying to clean what must have been the world's messiest room. Wherever he was, it was dark, but his mind told him to get up and go to roll call. Damn, he was probably late for it.

But as he tried to get up, a strong hand pushed him back down. Levi fought back as best he could, but the bone-deep exhaustion in his body failed to overcome the strength of this other man. Then the hand vanished for a bit, and then came back with what felt like an ice-cold, wet cloth and began rubbing him down.

At first Levi relaxed, knowing himself defeated for now. He tried to wet his lips, but his tongue was so dry that it was an impossible task. Then the world began swirling around him, and without warning his instincts yelled at him that the man in the room was somehow dangerous. Despite calling loudly, his mother didn't appear for what felt like an eternity. Finally, a woman began talking to him in low, dulcet tones. At first Levi thought it really _was_ his mother, and he reached up to touch her face and hold her hand while he murmured apologies. Her presence made him forget what he had been so frightened of only moments before. Mother stroked his knuckles and told him that he was in Erwin's quarters.

Erwin?

Oh yeah. Erwin.

Erwin Smith.

Now he remembered-it was Erwin in the room; it wasn't the bogeyman from his childhood.

 _I was so sure he was here_ , he thought. _I thought he had found me again somehow._

Now that he felt more alert, Levi could see that this woman was dressed in nurse's garb and was in fact not his mother. He turned his head and stared feverishly at Erwin, who was speaking quietly to the doctor. The candlelight flickered across their faces, and their shadows danced on the wall behind them, making them appear disfigured and monstrous. He blinked.

Suddenly it was daylight, and morning sun streamed across the room. Erwin was sitting at his desk reading a large book. He must have heard Levi stirring, because he stood and pushed his chair back, stepping away from his desk and moving towards the bed.

“Glad to see you awake.” The mattress dipped under his weight. “Do you want to sit up?”

“Yeah,” Levi rasped, moving shakily from his prone position onto hands and knees, then round to place his back against the headboard. Erwin’s cot looked untouched. Looking down at himself, he realised with horror that he wasn't wearing anything. 

Pulling up the cover swiftly up to just under his nose, Levi glared at the blonde perched nonchalantly on the bed, "Why am I naked?"

Not one flicker of anything but concern showed on Erwin's face. "You were feverish and hallucinating, and you wouldn't keep your gown on. Besides, it was soiled from sweat. Would you like to borrow something of mine in the meantime?"

He _did_ feel horribly sticky as if he had sweated buckets all night long. "Yes."

Getting up to fish through his chest of drawers, Erwin tossed him a shirt and underwear. Holding them up, Levi could tell they would be a poor fit, but it was better than nothing. He looked up and saw the blonde was still watching him. 

Levi gave an annoyed cough, "Do you mind?" 

Shrugging, the taller man turned to pour some water from a jug, clearly unashamed at nakedness. After a lifetime of communal showering he had probably his fill of naked men. As quickly as his shaky limbs would allow him, Levi pulled on the over-sized clothes. 

"Can I turn around now?" 

"Sure."

Glass of water in hand, Blondie headed towards him and sat on the bed in an overly familiar way. Surprised at how little he minded the other man's proximity, Levi gratefully took the proffered drink and gulped it down.

“Not too fast,” Erwin took the glass back and refilled it. “Sips only. And take two of those.” He gestured towards a box of pills. Levi grimaced as they went down. His throat still burned, even when just swallowing saliva.

“And you need to pass water,” the blonde pontificated.

“Do I? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, you need to drink more, otherwise your kidneys will get dry and sick too.”

“If you say so. Did Hanji teach you that?”

“Yes, they do occasionally make some good points. I’ll make you some tea, if that will help you drink.”

“Hmmm.” Shuffling to get comfortable, Levi leaned back into the pillows. “I like being waited on. Maybe now I can understand why those pricks in the capital like having servants.”

With nothing else to look at, he watched Erwin as he filled the black kettle with water and hung it over the fire on it's hook. The sound of a match being struck was audible in the quiet room, and the older man bent down to light it with his tinderbox, blowing gently to coax life into the now-smoldering kindling.

“I feel much better now.” Apart from the aches in his throat and limbs, the wearying tiredness had abated somewhat. 

“You still aren’t out of the woods,” Erwin reminded him, adding some bigger logs to the fire. “Forty eight hours and then we can be more sure. The Sweat can wax and wane. It can give a man respite for a few hours, and then come back stronger and snatch him away.” Still crouched near the hearth, he turned to look at Levi who probably looked small in the big bed. “We have to keep vigilant, and take this time to build up your reserves in case there is a second onslaught.”

Levi looked down at his own legs. They still felt weak and shaky. Even the thought of walking to the men’s seemed a challenge, and he felt full, as if he had eaten a great meal that had swollen his belly. He wasn’t sure how much tea he could really drink.

“Here,” Erwin’s voice came quietly. Levi opened his eyes. He had fallen asleep again mid-conversation? How had he done that? A warm cup of black tea was pressed into his hands and Levi sipped at it carefully.

An hour later, he had finished his third. Now the skin over his stomach felt it might actually burst at the seams.

“Erwin, I……Grrkk!” Levi clapped a hand over his mouth as he felt his mouth watering uncontrollably, the feel of acid brash on his tongue. Vomiting disgusted him, and the thought of being sick over himself or Erwin’s bed was revolting. A small basin appeared, and Levi hurled his stomach contents into it. Once, twice, three times. He felt a bit better for it. Except, when he looked up, Erwin was wiping his face with the back of his sleeve. Horrified, Levi froze, embarrassed beyond belief that it could have splashed onto Erwin. Onto his face.

“I’m so sorry,” he began, feeling miserable and upset.

“The basin is shallow. It wasn’t your fault,” Erwin reasoned, trying to mollify him. Levi could see he was more disappointed that the tea hadn’t stayed down. The blonde took the bowl and disappeared into the bathroom. A few minutes later he came back out with his face freshly washed and a wet face cloth. He handed it to Levi to freshen up and then jabbed a finger hard against Levi’s sternum, holding it in place.

“Hey!” barked Levi. “What are you-?”

When Erwin took his finger away, he stared at where it had been and frowned. "I’m going to get you some salted lemonade to sip.”

Levi pulled a face, "Uh, gross. No thanks. Sounds awful.”

“Tough. You are dehydrated and need to take it.”

Later that afternoon, after drinking some of the disgusting lemony seawater, Levi felt a heaviness wash over him again. Feeling oddly safe in Erwin’s presence, with the smell of him on the sheets and pillow, Levi turned onto his stomach, and dropped quickly off into a deep sleep.

~~~~~~~

Levi awoke with a raging thirst, just as the sun was setting. Erwin was sitting watchfully beside him, reading some letters and underlining parts of sentences.

He looked up and smiled at Levi. “You slept well.”

“I need a drink, please.”

Still giving a relieved smile, Erwin went over to the ewer and poured a glass of salted lemonade.

“Great,” said Levi, sarcastically. But still, he drank and he felt it went down better this time.

“I am attending a meeting with the Commander in the interior next week. Darius Zackly will be there.” Erwin appeared excited by the thought.

“Who?” asked Levi, propping himself up against the headboard again. The name sounded familiar.

“Zackly is Commander-in-Chief.” Erwin explained, reaching for another letter. “The commanders of the garrison, military police and survey corps all answer to him.”

“And I’m guessing you are reading up on him?” Levi enquired, knowing the answer.

A wicked, creepy smile appeared on the handsome face. “Naturally. ‘Know thine enemy.'”

“He’s an enemy?”

“Not quite.” Erwin looked thoughtful. “I’ve met him a few times. I suspect his real goal in life would be to start a revolution, to throw off the yoke from the people that those in power have placed on them. I suspect it would be aimed at the monarchy and aristocracy.” He looked at Levi. “Not at people like us. Still, I feel that he is capable of putting his own dreams before the needs of humanity. Perhaps not the best choice for Commander-in-Chief.”

“But he isn’t a bad person?”

“I’m not sure. I can’t shake the feeling that he might be capable of psychotically evil acts. He used to kill animals as a child.” Erwin raised his eyebrows at Levi, nodding as he spoke.

“Right, but animals are killed all the time.”

“For pleasure,” Erwin asserted.

“How can you possibly know that?”

The soldier pointed at the letters. “These are from ‘old friends’ of his. They are now _my_ friends.”

“Paid friends?”

“Maybe.”

“Remind me never to be on the wrong side of you again.”

“Everyday,” Erwin grinned, tapping the desk with his pen. “Zackly has already offered me his support when Shadis’ time comes to whatever end it takes.”

“Support?”

“In becoming the next Survey Corps Commander.” He had a faraway look in his eyes.

“Aren’t you satisfied with where you are now? You have it pretty good. All of the perks, and none of the burdens. Well, only some of the burdens.”

“I want more. I want complete control.” Erwin’s eyes met his, and Levi had the unnerving feeling that that they weren’t just talking about the Corps anymore.

“Hmmm. Well, enjoy your letters. I’m going back to sleep.” He resumed his prone position.

A few moments later, he heard Erwin popping a cork on a bottle, and pouring himself a small glass of something. Then he buried his head into the pillow and knew no more.

~~~~~~

The second night was as eventful as the first, just in a different way. Levi still awoke with a dull ache in his chest, realising he had rolled onto his back in the night. He remembered the doctor recommending lying on his front to ease the pain. It worked. The relief was profound. But then, the palpitations started.

From seemingly nowhere, and for no good reason, Levi felt his heart begin to beat hard and erratically.

“Erwin!” He called out, frightened at the speed his heart was racing. Levi was an athlete. Even when he really exerted himself, his pulse was strong, slow, and steady. It was never this fast, this irregular.

A candle was lit, and Erwin appeared, his blonde bed-hair ruffled and unkempt. “What’s wrong?”

“My heart…” he started. “It’s going too fast..” Levi felt short of breath and dizzy. Despite lying flat, he felt like he could pass out. He was starting to sweat again, and Erwin’s voice seemed far away.

He could feel Erwin’s hand taking the pulse at his wrist, see the furrow between his huge eyebrows. Then he left, and came back with one of the female doctors and a young nurse.

“It feels very rapid and weak,” He heard Erwin tell the doctor. “And it doesn’t seem normal.”

The doctor took a turn feeling his pulse, looking at her watch and asking Levi how he felt.

“Dizzy…” he murmured, lying limply on the mattress. 

“I think heart inflammation is driving this,” she said. A large bag was being opened by the nurse, and a small syringe with a needle on it was removed. “I need to rub your neck,” she told Levi.

 _The fuck?_ Thought Levi, but allowed her to proceed nonetheless.

She rubbed the side of his neck firmly for a good thirty seconds, and then retook his pulse.

“Damn, no effect.” She looked disappointed. “Try drinking this glass of cold water”. Ice-cold water was handed to him in a glass. He drank it quickly, but it changed nothing.

Levi felt sick and dizzy. He closed his eyes to stop the room spinning.

“This is what kills them all,” he could hear the doctor saying to Erwin. “It's not the fever that does it. The virus infiltrates the heart. I’ve seen it before.”

“Is there nothing we can do?” Erwin sounded almost like his normal, unworried self. But Levi was starting to know Erwin too well, and could tell he was stunned by this news.

 _I'm going to die_ , he thought. This was definitely not how he had imagined checking out. Levi looked up at Erwin and saw his eyebrows were messed up from where he must have been rubbing them. He allowed himself a moment to appreciate the man as he stood shirtless with only his pyjama pants on in the middle of the room, the candles bathing him in a warm and gentle light. 

Several curious thoughts came to mind, and Levi couldn't help feeling that dying in a comfortable bed with this man by his side wasn't the worst way to go. Of course, he would rather live, and explore in greater depth some of his mind's odd ideas about Erwin. But if he had to go, then this all wasn't so bad really. 

He was pulled from his reverie by the doctor's voice, “I’m going to give him an injection to stop clots,” she informed the blonde, "and I'll try essence of foxglove. But there are no certain cures, I’m sorry.” She turned to Levi. “I’m going to inject this into your leg, alright? And this one needs to go in a vein.” The one in the thigh wasn’t too bad. Then she tied a tourniquet around his upper arm, tapping on the back of his hand and in the crook of his arm. “He needs to drink more.” Levi gave a small grin as she heard him chastise Erwin. Seconds later, he felt the needle enter a vein in the crook of his arm.

“Ouch,” he monotoned.

“Sorry, the medicine stings a bit.”

Not really expecting any of this to help, to his surprise and profound relief, he felt his heart suddenly return to normal.

“Thank fuck!” He exclaimed.

“It worked?!” She grabbed his wrist and examined his pulse. “That’s wonderful! You will need more foxglove essence in twelve hours, and the injections in the leg for probably another two weeks. But if it stays nice and slow and regular, then hopefully you will be OK.” She paused and looked at him. “You’re lucky you noticed it. Some men just drop dead. Or never wake up at all.”

“Lucky me,” drawled Levi. 

The doctor left Erwin some instructions, then left to return to the hospital wing. Levi closed his eyes, feeling tired and relieved. He could hear the others in the room saying goodbyes at the door.

A few moments later, Erwin knelt at the bedside. Levi nearly started when he felt a hand rest on his head. He kept his eyes closed, kept still and feigned sleep.

“For a minute there I thought that was it all over. I really thought you were going to die. Right then and there,” he heard Erwin murmur. Then….. “Don’t die. We have a lot more to achieve together.”

 _Do we?_ Levi couldn’t quite comprehend what the fuck that even meant. He thought about opening his eyes, and telling Erwin and his hand to fuck off. But he'd grown used to the man's proximity and actually…..

It felt nice, having his hair stroked gently.

And it was Erwin.

So it was fine.

It was all fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos! I'm really enjoying writing the characters in the way I think they would react to certain situations.
> 
> I'm very much a fan of Levi fics where he is sick or injured, probably because I'm in healthcare and can relate to it; I feel I could maybe try and write one from a health perspective.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!


	4. Morgenstund hat Gold im Mund.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alright. Sure, I’ll come.” Levi tried hard to hide the excitement he felt. A trip out with Erwin. For a whole day.
> 
> ‘He’s trying to be kind,’ he reasoned, ‘to be my friend. Just friends.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant.

For the next three weeks, Levi had terrible fatigue, swinging fevers and felt profoundly washed out. Some days he struggled even to physically get out of bed. His usual routine of sleeping two or three hours in a chair had gone out the window- the exhaustion deep in his bones demanded he become horizontal for at least eight hours a night plus a long nap during the day, unheard of for him.

Initially he had tried to fight it, getting dressed and intending to try and return to his duties. Unfortunately, after walking up a simple flight of stairs, he had experienced an overwhelming dizzy spell. Stars flashed in his vision and he had tumbled ungracefully back down the stone steps. Lucky to not have broken anything in the process, the worst thing he suffered was having to endure the scolding he had gotten from Erwin later on, which had been eye-rollingly patronising, but it was nice to have someone who genuinely gave a shit about his welfare.

Once Levi was deemed non-infectious, Erwin had given up sleeping separately in the uncomfortable cot bed and invited himself back into the big bed with Levi at night to sleep. He had found it surprisingly comforting to share a room with another strong man whom he trusted, and although his sense of smell wasn't nearly as acute as Mike's, Levi enjoyed the scent of Erwin on the bedsheets. 

His presence was far less annoying than Levi had anticipated. Blondie warmed up the bed and didn't shuffle much during the night. Only occasionally did a huge stray limb brush against him, and he wasn't a duvet thief.

The only real problem came in the mornings when Levi had to roll onto his stomach to hide his unwanted erections. Erwin made no such effort to hide his own; instead he would get up as if nothing were amiss, washing and dressing without a care if Levi noticed or not. Meanwhile, Levi tried to play it off as normal and keep his treacherous eyes from straying to and admiring the man's bulge. 

The illness had undone all the benefit of six weeks of double rations. Strong thigh and rotator cuff muscles had melted away, and any fat reserves Levi had had were gone. He was once again nutritionally bankrupt, but this time felt more motivated to eat and was bored enough to engage with visits from the Corps physiotherapist who came twice a day to force him out of bed and teach him exercises to do in between visits. He felt stiff and achy still, and wondered if this was how it felt to be old.

Back on double rations, this time he greatly appreciated the extra bacon and boiled eggs at breakfast. Once he was strong enough to get to the mess hall for mealtimes, he found himself sitting alone with less frequency. A pretty veteran named Nanaba often sat near him. She was a gentle spirit and clearly disliked seeing anyone eating without company. Despite her sweet temper, in the field Levi had seen her move with fierceness, grace and purpose. He was sure she was fearless when faced by a Titan, and wherever Nanaba went, Mike was never too far behind. She commonly had a pack of cards on her, and sometimes a group would gather round her to play some quick, silly games in the rec room. They would gamble with whatever they had to hand. Sometimes money, usually liquor. And nearly always, Nanaba would win.

He couldn’t help but wonder whether Farlan would have found this woman attractive.

“I haven’t had a real challenge in years!” she exclaimed, upon finding that Levi was good at cards. He had been more than good in the Underground. It had gotten them by many times. Levi knew he had an excellent poker face, and was quick at learning some of the new games these surface-dwellers played. He found himself truly enjoying the company of the others, smiling at how dramatic they could be when they lost a hand.

Since his illness, he had noticed a change in himself. Initially, he had felt morose and low; he found himself dwelling on Isobel and Farlan, but it hurt so he stopped. The only way he knew to get the pain to stop, was to feel nothing at all. To forget. Hanji, though, had noticed that his mood was more indifferent than usual. They had tried talking to him one day, while he was on his hands and knees, scrubbing the filthy floor of the dorm.

_“Are you thinking about your friends, Levi?”_

_“I’m not thinking about anything at all, four-eyes. ”_

_“Are you feeling guilty when you are having fun with new friends, then?”_

_“I don’t feel anything at all.” It was true. A lot of the time, he tried to evade even happiness and joy, in fear that it would lead to similar pain one day. He couldn’t ensure the lives of these people. That was evident._

_“You know, feeling nothing now is only a stop-gap. One day in the future, you will have to feel again. And you’ll realise you have wasted precious time.”_

_“Shut up,” Levi said, staring at the ground._

_“If there is pain, Levi,” they began, “nurse it. If you have a flame of emotion, don’t snuff it out. Or you will be emotionally bankrupt before you know it.”_

_“What does that even mean?!” he snarled, whirling his gaze to theirs._

_“It means you will have less and less to offer each time you start with someone new…”_

_“I don’t want anyone new.” He detested the word his mouth formed._

_“We only have our hearts and bodies once, Levi. I know that right now you feel sorrow, and pain. But to kill it so that you feel nothing? To kill the joy you felt with it?” They paused. “Tell me about them.”_

And for some strange reason, a dam inside him broke, and he did. Odd, small details about their lives, habits and mischievous doings. Things he had nearly started to forget. Like how Isobel had started to like boys and how he had felt protective of her. About the time Farlan had nearly ended up joining a Wallist cult, who had promised passes to the Surface for a ‘small fee.’ Levi had seen straight through the scam, but Farlan had been desperate, and desperate men made for easy targets.

Having long resigned himself to a life in the Underground, Lobov's proposition had appealed more to Isobel and Farlan than himself. It had taken the blonde more than a week to convince Levi it was an offer worth their while. 

Having been mired in his depression, Levi realised that he hadn’t yet explored how he did feel about living aboveground and being one of the very few to have left through the walls, and into the unexplored expanse beyond. He had left the conversation with Hanji and decided to allow himself to see the Surface again, as if it were for the first time.

It was like a love affair. Levi noticed things about this surface world that had escaped his attention before- the sweet and earthy smell of petrichor, when a shower of rain beat down on the hot ground during training; the delicious smell of approaching summer; and the falling of the soft cherry blossom from the trees dotted around the barracks.

One day, he lay near the others in the long, uncut grass, listening to their voices and the whispering sound of the seed heads swaying in the gentle breeze. Levi spread his arms out, enjoying the radiance of the sun. When Mike offered him water, he relished the feel of having his thirst quenched on a hot day.

Along with the season slowly changing around him, Levi had also started to notice an odd new development in himself. He had always been acutely aware of Erwin before. He had intended to kill him after all, and find an opportune moment to steal the necessary papers. One couldn’t be good at that sort of work without excellent situational awareness.

But he felt that this awareness of Erwin had changed. He noticed the man making glances at him, sometimes in the mess hall, and often during literacy lessons. They weren’t made during conversation, or for any obvious reason. Erwin’s fingers also seemed to touch his more often than before, when passing a pen, or a mug of tea. An overlap of fingers would send a thrill up Levi’s arm, as if he had received an electric shock.

Or……perhaps it had always happened, and he was just noticing it more? He wasn’t sure.

Was it his imagination? Had this initial obsession to kill morphed into something stranger?

Levi knew that Erwin certainly wanted him alive, and was no threat in that sense. He couldn’t help with some consternation but compare his own behaviour to when Isobel had a ridiculous crush on the boy in the market, whose father sold the slightly stale vegetables not kept by the Surface-dwellers. There was one obvious difference- he was no longer a teenager like Isobel had been.

 _What's wrong with me?_ He thought. _Am I still sick? Is this part of recovering from being ill? Or from being bereaved?_

And what would Erwin think if he knew? Would he stop their private lessons? Feel revulsion? Levi knew that men were supposed to desire women, and vice-versa.

Perhaps it was just loneliness _._ Was he mistaking the man's friendship and mentorship for something else? It hurt to think about it.

Never having felt this way before, Levi wasn’t sure what development would come next. He was dismayed to find that next it was his body which sought to betray him. When Blondie came into a room, Levi would feel his own breathing quicken, hear his heart start to beat louder and faster in his ears. His eyes would dart up to Erwin’s face, and then down to his crotch, then up to his lips. He began to subconsciously mimic small movements and expressions from Erwin. If Erwin walked past him in a corridor, Levi would inhale through his nose, to see if he could catch his scent.

 _What the fuck is wrong with me?_ He would ask himself, wanting to smack his head off something hard to knock some sense back into it. Why were these feelings suddenly happening _now_? And with _him_ of all people? 

Now that he was back to sleeping in the dorms, Levi even found himself missing Erwin's almost constant presence. He began making excuses to spend more time near Erwin, including staying late after his literacy hour to tidy his rooms, claiming that he couldn’t understand how anyone could live in such filth. The hearth was always filled with old ashes that needed removed, and his desk was always covered in ink and tea cup stains. Cobwebs were draped over the chandelier and hung in all four corners of the room. 

In reality, it didn't take long to rectify but he needed an excuse, and the man seemed to appreciate having his clothes refolded and his bedlinen changed. 

"You know, you don't have to do any of this," the blonde insisted rather half - heartedly as he watched Levi donning his cleaning gear one day.

His face belied his words though, and he too seemed to enjoy the other's presence in the long evenings. If he didn't, why didn't he just dismiss his subordinate? 

Giving a wave of his hand brush around the room, Levi scowled, "If you expect me to learn here, then all this mess will just distract me. Just ignore me and get on with whatever the hell it is you do."

One evening at their lessons, Erwin had upped the ante with some more difficult to read books, which had a less legible print than Levi had yet seen. It felt like it took an age to read, but once he completed the first chapter in a slow monotone, he startled when Erwin began clapping in admiration. 

“Bravo. You are doing superbly well, Levi." His often stern face had softened at his pupil's success. The book had no pictures, and had initially seemed a daunting task. “I’m sure you would have been as prodigal in the classroom as you are in the air, if you had a chance as a child to go to school.”

 _This_ had turned Levi’s face absurdly red, and he held up the book to hide it from Erwin.

“I’ve been practicing,” Levi muttered from behind his hiding spot.

On sentry-duty nights, he brought a book to read by candlelight in the small booth at the gateway into the barracks. Initially he had read out loud, but with time, found the voice had migrated inwards. Now he could read silently to himself, though he still found grammatical punctuations tricky to understand. 

“I’m going to town next weekend,” Erwin informed him, not looking up from his paperwork. “There’s a bookkeeper there who looks out for items that might interest me.”

“Oh,” replied Levi, unsure what else to say.

Was this just small talk? Or an veiled invitation?

Erwin looked up, smiling. “I wondered if you would care to join me? I usually have some lunch there and make a day of it.” He folded his hand together. “There’s also a good tailors if you fancy spending any of your earnings?”

Setting the book down, Levi looked at him quizzically, “I’ve never received any money.”

“What?” Erwin looked startled. “Why haven’t you said anything?”

Levi shrugged. “Not really used to having much anyway. Besides, where would I keep it?”

“In a bank account, of course,” Erwin stated, as though this was obvious.

“Well, there we go. No bank account.”

“Normally when cadets join, they have details of where money ought to be lodged.”

“Do most cadets get arrested and forced into servitude?”

“Ah, no,” Erwin smiled, taking it as lightly as Levi meant it. “Well that’s even more reason for you to come. You can set one up, and we can pay the arrears into it. You will need to be present to open an account. “

“Alright. Sure, I’ll come.” Levi tried hard to hide the excitement he felt.

A trip out with Erwin. For a whole day.

 _‘He’s trying to be kind,’_ he reasoned, _‘to be my friend. Just friends.’_

~~~~~

Erwin arrived at the stables early on Saturday morning, eager to get going before the sun was too high in the sky. His white horse, Chisholm, was looking at his casual clothing dolefully, as if he were annoyed that Erwin was wanting to go on a pointless errand, when they could have both stayed in the comfort of the barracks.

“Lazy beast,” Erwin grinned, patting Chisholm. “I know you would rather stay here and eat oats, but let’s have a nice day out. I’ll make it worth your while?” He fished a small apple out of his pocket, proffering it to the horse, who happily accepted it. Soft lips wiggled against Erwin's palm as the apple was gobbled up. “And there will be more when we get there,” he promised, patting the horse’s nose.

“Hey,” came a familiar voice from behind him. Erwin turned and saw Levi, wearing the clothes he had when they first met. 

“Hey,” he replied in turn, leading Chisholm out to the mounting block and trying to not admire too openly how well Levi looked in his casual clothes now that he had bulked out as much as it was possible for a man of his build. “How long do you need?”

“Not long, I got her ready last night. Just need to saddle up like you.” With a gentle hand, Levi led his feisty black mare out of the stables and into the courtyard.

“Here.” Erwin threw an apple to Levi. “They like bribes.”

“Don’t we all?” 

Erwin laughed. “My price is probably more than an apple though.”

By ten o’clock, they were well on their way. Erwin had put on his teacher’s hat, and spent the time pointing out and naming different plants and animals.

There were few others on the road. If a horse or carriage passed, they would stop and he would greet them to share news or warn of problems on the road ahead. Erwin knew that power could be gained through networking, that it was important to know as many of the right people as possible, that as many people as possible knew of him.

Like a sixth sense, he could feel Levi's eyes glued to him during the conversions, although he chose to never speak to the men on the road himself. Erwin had a sense that Levi was always watching him these days.

They rode along in a comfortable silence most of the way, sunlight dappling through the trees and continuous cicada song serenading their journey. Erwin looked over at Levi surreptitiously. He looked well; practically glowing with health since restarting the demanding training regimen and eating properly again. The memory of the fear Erwin had felt during Levi’s sickness caught in his chest. He had been sure that Levi would die, that all his work would have been for nothing-

Erwin took a deep breath. He wondered if in his relief that he had been too obvious recently. He had been subtly attempting to increase physical contact with Levi, to see how he bore it out and whether he responded well to it. Initially, Levi had reacted by sharply pulling away, looking mildly outraged. But slowly, it seemed he was getting used to it. It was easy to pretend at innocence, reaching out to adjust Levi’s hold on a pen, brushing fingertips, or accepting a cup of tea held out to him. Erwin was almost sure that Levi felt something for him, but he wasn’t convinced that it wasn’t more than comradeship at this point.

From subtle body language that Erwin had noticed, it was clear that the young man felt confused about their physical closeness. Realistically, he presumed Levi would most likely look to one of the young women in the Corps for companionship if he wanted intimacy, but Erwin knew that some men could be tempted into his bed with the right amount of persuasion. 

In general, Erwin preferred women as well. Normally on one of these trips, he would consider stopping at one of the brothels before heading back. Male prostitutes were uncommon, and so he usually chose small, blonde women, with sweet smiles and large breasts. He didn’t like fraternising within the Corps. There was too high a chance of a pregnancy, and with it a long-term commitment and probably a marriage. It would jeopardise his plans. Equally, being too sexually frustrated distracted him from his goals, so it was a necessary evil. 

He glanced over at Levi again. He was patting his mare’s neck and praising her softly. Levi’s features were relaxed, his eyes kind as he petted the horse. He wasn’t traditionally good-looking. Erwin knew that he himself was physically very attractive, but was no narcissist. People found his combination of height, muscular build, blue eyes, strong face and blonde hair attractive. Erwin knew that he could use this to his advantage.

Levi seemed his complete antithesis. Short. Very short. Slender. Dark haired. Over-pale skin. Sharp featured. Quiet. Reserved. Grumpy. 

Yet he was pleasing to Erwin. His youth and deceptively young appearance held appeal, and the blonde was beguiled by the man’s abilities on the field. He found his mannerisms charming, and enjoyed Levi’s company more than he thought he would,

 _Of course, none of it really matters,_ he told himself.

Even if Levi were truly ugly inside and out, Erwin’s mission would have been the same. Erwin had bedded plenty of plain and downright ugly men and women before, in order to get what he wanted. He needed this man’s loyalty to him, knew somehow, that his own success was linked to this thug beside him.

And yet……in spite of himself, he had found himself growing fond of the man. He would rather have not, and kept himself safe from having any feelings, but at some point, he had felt his façade slip. He felt warm when he looked at this young man, and when he watched Levi flying through the sky, would feel a thrill of arousal. In those moments, Erwin felt a desire to possess, to own, to dominate this man. To have Levi in thrall to him. They were close enough now that he wanted to reach over, to lay a hand on his shoulder possessively, and feel the strong, limber body beside him.

Returning to the real world, Erwin looked back towards the road ahead. “We’re nearly there.”

“Hmmm?”

“We’ll go to the bank first, then the bookstore. Then perhaps one of the cafes after.I like to sit down and flick through my new books.”

“Sure.”

“And then, the tailors.”

“I have no money,” Levi reminded him.

“You can borrow money from me to spend how you wish.”

“No thanks,” the dark head shook. “I’m not into debts.”

~~~~

After setting up an account, Levi followed Erwin through the winding streets to a small bookseller squashed between terraced houses. The shelves in the shop were overflowing with books of all shapes and sizes. Levi looked at the signs around the shop, pleased that he could now read the headings.

He lifted a small hardbacked book; it was a poetry collection. Back when he was illiterate, Levi had often used rhymes to remember information or stories. He hadn’t realised people collected them, and then put them in books. Some of the poems were long, with punctuation he didn’t recognise, but some were short.

 _Nothing wrong with small things_ , he thought, choosing one at random.

_“Hope” is the thing with feathers -_

_That perches in the soul -_

_And sings the tune without the words -_

_And never stops - at all -_

_And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -_

_And sore must be the storm -_

_That could abash the little Bird_

_That kept so many warm -_

_I’ve heard it in the chillest land -_

_And on the strangest Sea -_

_Yet - never - in Extremity,_

_It asked a crumb - of me.”_

It took him a while to read it. He sat down on a small stool, running his finger across the words, mouthing them silently. When he finished, he paused, staring at it.

 _Hanji would like this,_ He thought.

“What have you found?” Erwin’s deep voice came from behind him.

“Uh, it’s some-“

“Poems?” Erwin looked surprised. “You like poetry?”

“Not all of them.”

“Oh. Well I’ve nearly got everything I need.” He gestured over to the short, smiling man behind the counter. “I’ll take this one too.”

“N-no, hey don’t worry, I was only looking,”

“It’ll give you something to read while we eat. I’m going to be looking at this one in particular.” Erwin held up a very dusty looking old tome. “Besides, I like poetry too. You can read some of them to me.”

“Thank you.”

As they left the shop, Levi felt an odd sense of pride, as he held _his_ book tightly against him. He had never thought he would own a book. His own book. Where would he put it? Somewhere safe. Or somewhere easy to reach out and get if he were in bed, perhaps.

They reached a pretty piazza, where well-dressed men and women sat outdoors sipping drinks and eating small, dainty pastries.

“This place is good,” Erwin placed a hand on his shoulder, steering him towards a small café. The owner seemed to know him, waving as they approached. He stood to talk to Erwin, who still had his hand on Levi’s shoulder. He fought the urge to lean into the touch, and instead pulled his shoulder out of Erwin’s grip and moved a couple of steps away.

Erwin looked concerned. “Did I pinch a nerve?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. Here,” Erwin set down his new books on one of the outdoor tables, “you’re too tense, I can feel it.” Levi felt Erwin place both hands on one scapula and shoulder and began to massage the muscle.

“People are watching,” he hissed. 

“No-one is watching.”

Levi was stiff with discomfort at being touched in public, and was totally unable to enjoy it. Erwin must have sensed it, and patted him on the shoulder before taking a seat.

“You need to relax more,” Erwin said, leaning back in his chair and picking up the dusty book.

Levi watched him warily, then sat on the other side of the table. Blondie had been touching him a lot lately in a way that _could_ be brushed off as innocent. With increasing difficulty, Levi continued to feign indifference as much as possible, but it was starting to prove tough to not lean into it. 

The food turned out to be excellent. Levi had never had food cooked like this before.

“They use herbs and spices. Army slop doesn’t so much,” Erwin explained.

The tea was good too. Taking a sip, Levi relaxed a bit and picked up his own book.

_‘And the days are not full enough_

_And the nights are not full enough_

_And life slips by like a field mouse_

_Not shaking the grass.’_

What did it mean? Levi had never read something like this. The books he had read so far were simple, short tales, mundane and basic. But he knew that some books had stories with meaning; that some could take one meaning from it, and another person might have a different understanding of what was written. But he hadn’t before thought that he himself might have to think about what was written in front of him.

He stared at the passage. It was short, so maybe it didn’t mean much at all.

“What do you think this means,” Levi decided to ask Erwin. He had wanted to hear Levi read these poems, after all. Erwin looked up, eyebrow raised.

“Shoot.”

Slowly, clumsily, Levi read the poem out. He looked up at Erwin, and was surprised to see a tinge of sadness in those blue eyes.

“I think it means what it says, that we cannot achieve everything we want in life, and when we die, most of us die unnoticed by the world.”

“Oh,” Levi took a breath. “Does it matter to you that the world knows you exist?”

“Yes.”

“Hmmm. I dunno. Where I’m from, it’s safer to slip by like this mouse.”

“Do you think your days are full enough, Levi? That your nights are full enough?”

Levi felt himself turn red at the question. Were his nights full enough? What exactly was he asking?

“I could probably do more with them," he hesitated, setting the book down. "I don’t sleep much, but I don’t expect the world to stay up and entertain me.”

“My nights aren’t full enough,” Erwin replied, looking back down at his book.

Levi’s ears pricked at this strange admission.

“I’m sure they could be,” Levi said, deeply curious and wanting to explore the blonde's meaning. “You have plenty of admirers.”

“Do I?”

Levi scoffed and folded his arms, “As if you didn’t know. There are plenty of ambitious young women who would jump into your bed.”

“Not interested.”

“Oh.” Levi wondered what this could possibly mean. Did Erwin not like fraternising? Or…….

“What about you?” Erwin asked him casually, as if it were a totally normal thing to talk about.

“Me?” Levi snorted. “No thanks. I share a dorm with ten men, remember?”

“Just hang something on the door,” Erwin recommended. “The others will know what it means.”

“I’m not stupid, Erwin,” Levi said, “I’ve learned that particular piece of etiquette.” He had come back to the dorm once to find a tie on the handle. He could hear grunts and moans coming from inside the room and had sincerely hoped they weren’t on his bed.

“But you aren’t going to avail of it?”

“No,” he said, trying to end the conversation there.

He couldn’t let this man know of his complete inexperience. It would be intolerable, and was sure Erwin would laugh at him. This man, who had probably had dozens in his bed. Perhaps he would think that it was because Levi was too small and unattractive for anyone to want him. He didn’t want him to know. And Erwin certainly couldn’t be allowed to know why Levi wasn’t taking women to his bed, about how the only person he had come close to thinking about in that way, was now sitting opposite him.

Erwin seemed to pick up on his discomfort and left it at that, returning to his own book.

 _‘And the nights are not full enough’_ his inner voice whispered to him.

_~~~~~_

They headed back in the late afternoon, after Levi had left the tailors. He had gone in alone, and commissioned some new clothing. He would return in a week to pay and pick them up.

Erwin decided to wait back in the piazza, drinking coffee and reading another new book. This one was a chess strategy guide, with tips on the odds of an opponent making certain moves, unusual moves one could make and other interesting titbits that Erwin felt could apply well on the battlefield.

He looked up and saw Levi approaching.

“I’m done.”

Erwin stood up. “Alright, let’s go.” He stretched out, then picked up the books and they headed towards the horses. Packing the books into the saddle bag, Erwin stared at the road ahead. It was still a glorious day. “Perhaps we can fit in a swim on the way back.”

Levi looked dubious. “I never learned. And I don’t like getting wet.”

Erwin swung up into the saddle. “If we ride hard, then you’ll feel warm and want to get in, even if it’s just to wash. Trust me, I know a good place. No one knows where it is. It’s my piece of heaven.”

The idea of washing looked as if it appealed to Levi, and Erwin knew that he had succeeded in convincing him.

“Follow me!” Erwin spurred Chisholm, and soon Levi was following behind.

Having grown up with horses, Erwin felt very at ease on his stallion. At first, Levi had been wary of the big animals, but as with most things he practiced, he had soon developed into an excellent rider. He kept up well, even when they moved off the dirt track into open countryside.

Erwin didn’t need a map to know where he was going. Chisholm knew too; was the only other one who knew, and now, he was showing this special place to Levi, though he wasn’t entirely sure why.

The horses stopped when they reached the river. It was wide and slow moving in this area, with several deep pools and a sandy beached area. Soft grass edged the sand, and the sun shone hard down on them. Erwin reached up, pulling his shirt off over his head. He couldn’t wait to get in that water. Once his clothes were thrown aside, he ran and dove in, swimming hard to the centre of one of the pools.

“Come on in, it feels great!” He shouted, treading water.

On the shore, Levi was taking off his boots and socks, rolling up his trouser legs. Carefully, he stepped into the shallows, watching his own feet.

“It’s super cold,” Levi said, still looking down. “And there’s little fish in here.”

“They’re harmless,” Erwin reassured him, moving to float on his back.

He heard Levi make a noise, and when he looked over, the man looked rigid and was facing the other way.

“I don’t need to see that. Thank you.”

Erwin laughed. “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

Levi moved to the grass to lay on his back; shirt off, feet bare, arms above his head and eyes closed. He had pulled his pants low across his hips, perhaps to try and catch more sun. After swimming for a while and feeling like the world’s cares had washed away, Erwin returned to the shore. He put on his boxers to put Levi at ease, then went to lay near him.

Was he asleep? Propped up on one arm, Erwin stared over at the young man’s relaxed face. He had never felt so drawn to someone he hardly knew, to someone who probably wouldn’t reciprocate the desire he felt.

He imagined reaching out a hand to touch Levi’s lips, to trace his face to see if Levi grew stubble. He looked smooth, and young. Erwin imagined trailing his hand lower, across the firm chest, down past Levi’s navel, and then sliding his fingers under the hem of his pants. He imagined feeling the coarse hair, stirring Levi into hardness. Of leaning over him, and kissing him breathless in the grass. Levi would kiss back, and they would roll and tussle and laugh.

Sighing deeply, Erwin forced himself to lie back, looking up at the shapeless ribbons of clouds high above them. He looked over at Levi again, who seemed oblivious to Erwin’s painful desire in that moment.

“Good swim?” Levi asked, not opening his eyes.

“Good swim,” Erwin confirmed.

~~~~~~

They got back while it was still daylight. Erwin clearly was desperate to get to his office and start taking notes on his new books. They parted ways after settling the horses in.

Late that night, as Levi lay in bed unable to sleep, the words of the poet echoed in his mind.

_‘And the nights are not full enough….’_

Looking across to his bedside cabinet, he reached over and got out his book. He lit a candle and walked to Erwin’s office to see if he were still up. There was no light under the door. Erwin must have retired to bed already.

Deciding to let himself in anyway, Levi settled on the chaise lounge to read. He glanced over at the door that led to Erwin’s bedroom. There was no sound and no light. Definitely asleep then.

He opened the book at the index, deciding to look at the chapters.

Chapter 1: Work

Chapter 2: War

Chapter 3: Nature

Chapter 4: Love

Levi paused, chewing his lower lip, then went to chapter 4.

A few of the poems were very long, and some were about the female form. Levi moved on, turning the pages slowly. His eyes alighted on one in particular. He read it, then looked at Erwin’s bedroom door, and then he read it again. And then again.

_All you who sleep tonight  
Far from the ones you love,  
No hands to left or right,  
And emptiness above –  
Know that you aren’t alone.  
The whole world shares your tears,  
Some for two nights or one,  
And some for all their years._

As he read it, the inner voice that came unbidden in his mind was Erwin’s. He could hear Erwin reciting it to him, although in all the time he had known him he had never heard Erwin say anything so nauseatingly sentimental.

 _This is ridiculous,_ he thought, setting the book down heavily on the chair. Levi sighed and ran his hand down his face.

Why couldn’t he just sleep, like a normal person? Why was he cursed to stay wakeful half the night?

Opening his eyes, he noticed that Erwin had left a pile of clothes by his bookshelf. Levi walked over to inspect the pile. It was what he had thought; it was the clothes Erwin had worn that day.

All of them.

 _Who just leaves everything in a pile like that?_ He couldn’t help the thought.

He wanted to pick them up, felt compelled to move them off the floor. But then Erwin would definitely know that Levi had been creeping around his quarters uninvited; if he came out in the morning and his office were tidied, who else would it have been? Looking closely, Levi could see that even Erwin’s boxers had been discarded. Almost against his will, his hand reached out and he picked up the shorts, holding them at arm’s length. Then he held them in both hands and brought them to his face, inhaling deeply.

 _His crotch has touched these_ , Levi’s mind taunted at him in a sing-song voice.

He moved back onto the sofa, lying on his stomach, and without any real thought, placed the shorts over his head, so that his nose and mouth were in contact with were Erwin’s cock would have been. He inhaled again, spreading his legs and moving up onto all fours. In his mind, Erwin was kneeling behind him, fucking him, hands on Levi’s hips to keep him still and pulling Levi’s ass back onto Erwin’s cock. Levi rocked back and forth in imitation of the act, then suddenly, realising what he was doing, and where, tore the shorts off his head.

He leapt up, grabbing the candle and the book, and leaving the room. Running back to his dorm, he stopped and leaned against the wall before going back to bed.

What the fuck was that?! What was wrong with him? His face screwed up in confusion and he banged his forehead against the wall.

What the fuck was going on with him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love poetry myself, although I've never written one.
> 
> In case you were wondering
> 
> Vikram Seth wrote 'All you who sleep tonight'  
> Emily Dickinson wrote 'Hope is the thing with feathers'  
> Ezra Pound wrote 'And the days are not full enough'
> 
> One day I'll feel that I want to write the story one way, then another day I'll change my mind completely. Is that normal?
> 
> Anyway, enjoy our favourite couple!


	5. Wer rastet, der rostet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Erwin weren’t soon to be dead from a bullet to the heart, Levi could see only one option. He was sure he could reach him in time.
> 
> ‘This is gonna hurt.’ He thought, grimly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant

On average, the Survey Corps conducted one mission outside the walls every four months. This depended of course, on both the human and financial resources available, and partly depended on factors Erwin had no control over.

One of those factors was the weather.

Hanji Zoe had come to him recently with the astute observation that normal Titans seemed more sluggish in the rain, and when it was overcast. It was well known that they seemed to be dormant at night, but Zoe’s studies almost suggested that they _needed_ sunlight to function.

Unfortunately, in Erwin’s experience at least, their soldiers also functioned less well in the rain. Wet weather affected mood and skill alike; woollen coats sodden with rain made it difficult to be nimble when swinging around in ODM if an abnormal should appear, as they were seemingly unaffected by the damp. The horses also moved more slowly, unable to pull their hooves as quickly out of the mud. They would turn their heads back towards the Walls, longing to head home. Erwin’s own horse definitely could run faster back towards the Walls than away from them.

As a result, it was difficult to convince Shadis to schedule missions for times when the weather was forecast to be less than clement.

Later that month, they were lined up by the gates ready to embark on a ride to a long-abandoned human village about twenty miles away; the village had a large store of alum in two silos. Alum was a precious and rare resource, used by the higher classes as an astringent, and as a mordant in textiles. There had previously been large reserves of it within Wall Maria, but the supply had been mismanaged by corrupt foremen. Now its use was carefully regulated by a branch of the Military Police. The government had charged Shadis with travelling outside of the Walls to bring back more supplies, putting soldiers’ lives at risk so that the nobility could wear red and gold-coloured jackets and dresses.

But they would be significantly financially recompensed. It might be worth it, if their losses were minimal.

For the last five years, Erwin had been working on something he called the ‘Long-Range Enemy Scouting formation’. He had realised long ago that they needed to fight smarter to achieve their goals without losing so many soldiers each time they left the walls. They couldn’t possibly fight every Titan they encountered; it would be a waste of resources, and sometimes just physically impossible if there were no trees to allow ODM use. He envisaged a large formation, roughly the shape of a semi-circle, in order to maximise visibility. There would be different teams with various roles, each with coloured flares to communicate what they could see over long distances. It would allow soldiers to be grouped into teams with duties best serving their strengths.

But rain would reduce flare visibility, or might prevent the flares firing altogether. This, combined with the drop in visibility from said rain and fog, would reduce the ability of the formation to remain in communication and spot Titans.

Zackley had been greatly interested in Erwin’s ideas; it formed the basis of his support for Erwin one day becoming Commander. But Shadis and his fellow soldiers were more difficult to convince. The risk of trying something new wasn’t just theoretical for them; it was their own lives on the line if it failed. For now, Erwin continued to bide his time, waiting for the day that he would be in charge of Survey Corps training.

Chisholm was tossing his white mane, hooves pawing at the ground in impatience to begin. Erwin had had Chisholm as his mount for three years now. The Corps had approximately 600 thoroughbred horses stabled, chosen for temperament, stamina and apparent lack of fear of Titans. It was important to find and bond well with at least one horse; training with them and caring for them between missions allowed for good teamwork in the field. Chisholm could canter up to Erwin if he lay on the ground, then kneel down and allow him to crawl onto the saddle. Useful for if he ever lay on the ground injured.

Shadis was giving a loud pre-mission declaration to inspire the troops, but even once he'd finished, most of the the troops looked as nervous as before. They watched in horrified fascination as the gate was slowly raised, the outside world revealing itself to them. For some, it was the first time they had seen beyond the Walls.

“Onwards!” commanded Shadis, urging his horse into a sprint through the wall, and out into the vast expanse beyond. The veterans led up front, ready to engage with any Titans. The more junior soldiers surrounded the carts. Their speed through the rough terrain was limited by the pace of the basic wooden carts, as they were designed to carry heavy burden rather than race off-road.

A journey that might therefore have taken only an hour or so on horseback alone, ended up taking four hours in order to keep pace with the carts. On the way they encountered twelve Titans. At one point there were two abnormals that ambushed them from behind. Erwin turned his head and watched Levi leap nimbly up, using the ODM to anchor himself to one abnormal, then used his momentum to swing round to its back. He then performed a round-off and a back-flip, shooting the gear into the base of its skull. Levi shot up and in one fell swoop sliced off the nape of its neck. In mid-air he turned and aimed for the other, and with inhuman speed sliced his way up the beast’s limbs. He decapitated it in just the right spot, before shooting back off and landing gracefully back on his horse.

 _Damn_ , Erwin couldn't help the grin that came to his face, _Real wings, indeed._ He could see his fellow soldiers were thinking along the same lines. Their mouths hung open, shock and awe registering on their faces, while Levi's remained impassive, even mid-flight. 

Their destination was getting close, and Erwin could now see it growing larger on the horizon. They had planned carefully using crude maps of the town; they were to form a defensive ring around the soldiers entrusted to move the alum from storage to the carts, before quickly setting off again. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take too long, and no engagement with the enemy would be required. There would be minimal talking, minimal noise. Nothing to draw the beasts out of the trees.

Once in the town proper, they moved in towards the silos, but before they reached them, Erwin heard shouts. And then gunfire.

 _Shit. Bandits?!_ Erwin thought, shocked. He had never supposed that anyone other than the Survery Corps would be so reckless as to travel out beyond the walls. But he recognised these particular criminals from "Wanted" posters strung around the city. They were fearless. And well-armed. And clearly, they were looking for exactly the same thing the Corps were.  
The bandits seemed similarly well-prepared. Erwin wondered if they too had been hired to come out here. The outlaws were on fast horses, but without gear, giving the soldiers the advantage of being able to launch off their horses onto rooftops, and knock riders off their mounts.

“Engage to kill!” Shadis shouted, reaching for his own pistol. In a moment, Erwin spotted an easy target; a young man carrying a heavy sack, arms wrapped tightly around his prize. Moving in quickly, he shot off his horse and barrelled into him, slicing the man’s arm at the elbow, careful not to damage the sack. The man screamed and ran off. Feeling pleased with himself for not killing him, Erwin moved to lift the sack.

_Click._

He looked up. 

One of the bandits was standing fifteen feet away, a pistol aimed directly at Erwin’s heart.

“NO!” Erwin shouted, aghast at his own stupidity. It couldn’t end now. There was so much more to achieve, so much more he had to learn about this world beyond the walls. His father-

He heard a high-pitched whizz, and then a flash of green on ODM smacked into him, knocking him to the ground.

BANG!!

Erwin heard the gasp from the soldier who had taken the shot for him. With no more time to lose, Erwin shot his own gear at the bandit. It ripped through his chest, pulling him towards Erwin as the gear’s anchor was reeled back in. Erwin put a booted foot on the still very much alive bandit’s shoulder, wrenching out the anchor in one motion. Blood gurgled from the man’s mouth, and then he was dead.

"Soldier!" he shouted at the figure now trying to sit up in the mud.

Erwin turned to inspect the soldier who was injured as a result of his carelessness. They were crouched on the ground, shaking slightly, head bent. Erwin put a hand on their shoulder, forcing them to look at him.

It was Levi.

Shit.

~~~~~

 _What a fucking moron_ , Levi thought. _If he were from the Underground he would know to never leave himself open like that._ They would be having words when they got back home.

Home? Had he really just thought that?

Erwin was soon to be dead from a bullet to the heart, and Levi could see only one option. He was sure he could reach Erwin in time.

 _This is gonna hurt._ He thought, grimly as he tensed himself for the hit.

It felt like time had slowed down. He could see the trigger being pulled, the gleeful expression on the thief’s face, felt himself being dragged through the air towards Erwin. The rain appeared to fall more slowly, and all the sounds in the world seemed to disappear for a moment.

BANG!!

He felt as though he had been punched hard in the arm. Hurtling now towards the ground, he tried to reach out his right hand to break the fall. Lancinating pain shot up the limb, unable to support the force behind the fall now that it was injured. Levi tumbled on the wet ground a few times before finally being able to stop himself. He shuffled to his knees and gripped where the bullet had ripped through his upper arm, trying to regain his bearings.

 _Filthy_ , he thought N _ow I’m covered in mud too._ He had been utterly pristine up to that point. G _uess that’s something else to get used to, getting muddy during fieldwork_.

“Soldier!” He could hear Erwin shout as he approached him, putting a hand on Levi’s shoulder to turn him. Erwin’s mouth fell open slightly on seeing it was him, then closed again in a grimace. “You’re hurt?”

“My right arm,” he showed him. “It’s probably just a flesh wound.” Erwin examined it, then whistled for his horse. Around them, it was still pandemonium. Not all the bandits seemed to have firearms; the dead one might have been their leader. Suddenly, now that he was dead, the rest of them seemed less organised, less certain than before. The Corps was gaining ground on them, but this noise must surely be drawing Titans to the area.

Levi could feel deft fingers wrapping Erwin’s own jacket around his arm tightly, and a belt being fastened above that. He could feel the bullet was fragmented, and the shrapnel was pressing painfully against his humerus. His fingers tingled, and when he made a fist with his right hand it felt weak.

“Erwin, I don’t think I can hold a blade in this hand,” he admitted.

Then suddenly, they appeared. A great horde of giant freaks, running towards them from the forested area, drawn by the gunshot and cries of battle.

He could hear Shadis shouting, “Enough! Retreat to the castle!” The Survey Corps, with their well-trained horses and honed reflexes leapt into action, riding swiftly southeast, leaving the few remaining bandits with very little chance of escaping the Titans. They stood open-mouthed and silent, unable to move as they watched the Titans draw closer and closer. Unnoticed by the other soldiers, Erwin and Levi were left behind.

Erwin grabbed him under his good arm. “Get up, we have to move.” They ran between the buildings, looking for a spare horse. They seemed to have scattered after the gunshot. The horses were well-trained to not be afraid of Titans, but were still spooked by gunfire. Erwin tried whistling for his horse again, but still..... nothing. Between where they stood and the castle was about three miles of mostly open scrubland, with a few large rocky outcrops. But they couldn’t remain where they were. The last of the scouts had departed, and were only small specks in the distance.

The bandits proved a good diversion to the hungry Titans, giving Erwin and Levi time to move out onto the scrubland and make some ground. After about a mile Levi had to stop running. He felt this heart was about to burst; his legs ached from the exertion and he had a metallic taste in his mouth. He gripped his arm. The makeshift dressing around it was sodden with blood, and it was painful to put pressure on the wound.

“Erwin!” he panted, “I can’t……….need to…..stop for a moment…”

Erwin looked at him sternly and shook his head, "There isn’t time Levi. We have to keep moving.” He moved as if to assist, and Levi held up a hand.

“I can…..walk,” he panted." Run ahead. I'll catch up. If I can't, I'll slow any titans down as best I can. You need to make it back."

Speechless at the man's selflessness, Erwin shook his head. Was Levi so willing to sacrifice himself for him? Why? 

"No, you are too important to leave behind," Erwin pulled at the smaller man, willing him to keep going. "If you want to get me back safe, you'll just have to go as fast as you can." 

Although he was sure Levi wasn't the type to just lie down and die when injured, blood loss could make a man dizzy and disorientated. The chances of him making it back alone were slim. 

Painfully slowly they continued on their way. Erwin kept looking around, an expression of grim determination set on his face. Levi could feel himself growing dizzier and shorter of breath. His concentration began to wax and wane; he found himself watching his feet to avoid stumbling and tripping on the rough terrain. At some point he felt Erwin grip his armpit to keep him upright. Levi opened his mouth to tell him to fuck off, but his tongue was heavy and useless in his mouth; he didn’t push Erwin away this time.

“Chisholm!” Levi heard Erwin suddenly exclaim. A long whistle, and the white horse cantered up to them, pleased to see Erwin. Strong arms encircled Levi’s waist and he found himself lifted onto the back of the saddle. Erwin swung himself up into the saddle, with Levi now riding pillion behind him. “Hold on,” he commanded, spurring Chisholm into a gallop.

Levi threaded his arms through the gear straps criss-crossing the large back and held on for dear life.

In what seemed like moments, they arrived at the old castle, thundering over the drawbridge. Levi recognised the equine veterinarians up high on the battlements, ready to pull the gate up quickly behind them. They must have spotted them returning, Erwin’s white horse standing out against the muddy ground.

They were safe. For now.

In the courtyard, Erwin hopped off his horse and began looking around. Levi stared at the ground, wanting to jump down too. But his vision was darkening round the edges, and……..had the ground always been that far away?

The world suddenly got quieter. He could feel himself sway on the saddle, his head suddenly too heavy on his shoulders; his body too light. Unable to stop himself, Levi slipped sideways off the horse.

The last thing he heard before the ground raced up to meet his face, was Erwin calling his name.

~~~~

He could vaguely recall being carried into the makeshift infirmary, and being laid carefully on a thin mat.

Hanji Zoe appeared, looming over him. “Let me undo this dressing, shorty.” He could feel her poke at the wound with some sort of metal implement, could hear the scraping of metal against metal when it impacted shrapnel. “Help me get these wet clothes off. Get him dry.”

He tried to help, pulling on the laces of his boots, but he felt a hand push him back, and others pulling off the sodden clothes. At least they put a blanket on him for modesty.

Thirsty, he was so thirsty. He must have said it aloud, for a water canteen was pressed to his lips and he was helped to drink.

“Can you drink this too?” A small vial was held to his lips.

“What is it?” he croaked.

“Keta-morph. It will help with the pain.”

Levi disliked taking drugs or alcohol. Disliked having his faculties clouded. But if Zoe was going to get the fragments out and prevent infection, it would be easier without him struggling against it. He nodded and tilted his head back, drinking down the bitter fluid with a grimace.

Hanji let him be for the next ten or so minutes, while the drugs took effect. Levi sighed as he felt the pain melt away, feeling as though his brain was floating somewhere separate from his body.

Hanji worked quickly to debride the wound, washing it out with iodine and tweezing out the shrapnel. Mostly Levi found the pain didn’t bother him, but there were a couple of times where a particularly badly-situated fragment being pulled made him gasp. Soon he could feel the skin being stitched, cleaned and bandaged.

“We can’t stay much longer.”

Levi could hear faint voices in the next room.

“They are too active in this area. Wait much longer and we will be overwhelmed.”

“The rest can wait until another expedition. We got more than enough to keep ‘em happy.”

“Fine. It’s decided.” That was Shadis. “We depart in twenty minutes. Tell the troops.”

This wasn’t going to be a fun ride home. Still drugged and clumsy, someone assisted Levi upright and then back into his uniform, which remained heavy with blood and rainwater.

‘ _Eugh_ ,’ he thought as someone kneeling before him yanked his pants back onto him as Levi gripped onto their shoulders for balance. How wonderful it would be to get back and wash. The thought gave him strength as he was set into one of the carts for the injured. 

Luckily, there were only a few Titan encounters between the castle and the Wall. After an hour, the drugs wore off and Levi insisted he get back on his own horse. He didn’t engage directly, didn’t feel his arm was capable of it yet. It was difficult enough to ride with the reins only in his left hand, let alone trying to leap on and off his mount. But at least the reduced weight allowed the cart to go faster. 

The ride was long, slow and hard. The now-full carts trundled slowly over the rocky landscape; it took over six hours to return. Levi felt his arm ache in protest at the constant movement on horseback.

The gate was in sight. Nearly there.

~~~~~~

There was a great cheer from the crowd as they passed through the town on their way back to HQ. The Corps was always popular when they managed to return with rare goods; there were several good dye-makers and weavers in the town who would benefit directly from this mission.

Back in HQ, the horses needed washed down, fed and stabled for the night.

“I’ll do yours and mine,” Erwin offered, seeing how pallid the younger soldier looked after their grueling ordeal. “I need you to go to medical and then write your reports.” He felt it was the least he could do for Levi. The man looked drugged and exhausted.

He would have let Levi sleep, but the sharpness of a memory faded quickly. The reports had to be written down tonight, while the experience was fresh and small details not forgotten. Victory could hang on the smallest of details.

With well-practiced ease Erwin brushed down the horses, before heading in to the mess hall to grab paper and pen. Stationery was always available post-mission for the soldiers to document their notes; it was something he had instigated early after being promoted to Squad Leader, and the practice had caught on.

Sitting at one of the trestle tables, Erwin began to jot down details of the mission. The good, the bad and the downright ugly. Then he set that report to one side, to be filed in his own personal collection. The next report he wrote was for the brass. It required far less detail. They didn’t need to know everything. In fact, Erwin was convinced it was better that they didn’t.

Injured arm now in a sling, Levi sat further down the same trestle table, and even for him was writing painstakingly slowly. Erwin was finished long before him.

 _‘Why is it taking him so long?’_ Erwin wondered. _‘Tiredness, blood loss, drugs? A poor combination I suppose.’_ Then he noticed. Of course. He could have smacked himself. Levi was trying to write with his left hand.

“My hand feels funny,” Levi admitted, looking up briefly and seeing Erwin watching him. He tried flexing the fingers of his right hand to show him. “A bit numb. It's hard to hold the pen. ”

“Let me finish it,” Erwin offered. “We can finish it up in my quarters.” He got up, Levi following.

“I can finish them,” he replied stubbornly. “I’m nearly done anyway.” It would be his first set of reports written entirely by himself. Erwin smiled, proud of his student.

Erwin opened the door to his office, setting his own report on his desk and lighting some of the candles. The fire was lit next, and he took a moment to kneel before it, basking in the heat. He stood to get them both some caffeine to refuel themselves.

By the time Erwin came back with steaming cups of tea, Levi was sitting at the desk, his reports nearly finished and body drooping with tiredness. His head hung heavily off his shoulders, and his eyelids kept drifting shut in short narcoleptic episodes. Then his whole body would jerk awake again in time to not drop his pen, and he would try and make an attempt to continue writing. Looking over Levi’s shoulder, Erwin could see he had finished his unofficial report for Erwin, and was now working on the less important official report. The ink of some of the words were smudged through Levi's tiredness and his not being used to using his left hand to write. 

“Alright soldier,” Erwin conceded, “time for bed. That can be finished tomorrow.” Levi cracked his neck and scraped his chair back, pushing himself into a standing position too quickly. He swayed and then staggered. Erwin moved to grab Levi’s good elbow to steady him. “You can sleep here, if you want?” The offer wasn’t a sexual one. Soldiers of the same sex often shared a bed; bedmates were a particular necessity in the cold winter months. Mike had been a good bedmate when they were both cadets. He never stole the covers and kept to his own side.

Levi too had been an excellent bedmate during his recovery from the sweat. Being so small meant he only took up a tiny portion of the bed. He would also stay remarkably still and seemed to hardly breathe all night long. The only problem Erwin had, was trying to stop himself from touching or cuddling the younger man in his sleep, sure that he would actually be killed for real if he ground his morning glory into the guy's backside, even if it was unconsciously done. Mike had never minded waking up being cuddled as little spoon, but Erwin wasn't sure how Levi would take it.

“I need to wash first.” Levi’s uniform and skin were still encrusted with the blood from earlier, but he looked pleased at the suggestion of climbing into Erwin's bed.

Glad now to have made the offer, Erwin pointed to the bathroom, “You use the shower first. You want to borrow some pants?”

“Well, I’m not sleeping in these,” Levi gestured to his clothes. “Nor am I sleeping naked,” he added, smirking at Erwin.

Shocked to feel heat rise to his face, Erwin let out a genuine laugh, “There should be towels in there. And hopefully some hot water left.” A hot shower sounded achingly good. But Levi deserved it first. "I'll ready some new dressings. Let me help you remove those old ones." 

One of the better aspects of being promoted through the ranks was acquiring one's own rooms. And own private ablution room. After a lifetime using the communal facilities, it had felt like a luxury to have his own personal shower and toilet. 

While Levi washed, Erwin dug through his drawers to find something that might fit Levi. The kid had the leanest waist he’d seen, and he wasn’t entirely sure any of his clothing would fit him. Eventually, he found a pair of drawstring shorts that would probably do the trick. He turned his head when he heard the bathroom door opening.

Levi was standing looking fresh and clean, one of Erwin’s fluffy towels wrapped around his hips. His hair was damp and his skin pink and dewy. Erwin caught himself staring and looked away.

“Will these do?” he asked, throwing Levi the shorts and looking away to give the man some privacy.

“Yeah, these will do.” The shorts fitted him well, although they looked more like full pants on Levi.

He had taken his bandages off to shower. Erwin approached him where he sat on the bed with fresh dressings.

“Here, let me help you." The puckered edge of the wound looked clean and dry, though it was probably still sore. He made quick work of securing the dressing and sling, then rested a hand on Levi's good shoulder. "Get into bed, I’m going to wash up.”

“I’m not going to argue.” Levi settled himself under the covers.

By the time Erwin left the shower himself, he could hear soft snoring coming from the bedroom. Levi was lying on his stomach, legs slightly apart and arms bent over his head. Erwin dressed for bed and slipped in beside him, trying not to wake the man, knowing how poorly Levi slept at the best of times. He had told him he preferred a chair to a bed, a by-product of sleeping rough and never being able to relax fully in the Underground when one was a rogue wanted by officials and gangs alike. 

"I wanted to have words with you," Levi mumbled against the pillow, awoken slightly by Erwin's jostling, but his eyes never opening.

Erwin started. "Oh? About...?"

"Teaching you to be less of a fucking moron sometimes."

Erwin laughed. "You can tell me all about it tomorrow. Rest." 

One of Levi's knees bent up, causing his foot to brush Erwin’s leg. If Levi noticed, he didn't move it away. Soon the younger man's breathing slowed again, deepening into long, restful movements.

Erwin lay facing Levi and laid a hand gently on the curve of his lower back. The room was warm, and the light from the fire cast dancing shadows across Levi’s relaxed face. It felt good, knowing this uptight man now trusted him enough to be asleep near him. Erwin resisted the urge to trace Levi’s back muscles with his fingertips. In that moment, he felt an intense fondness for the young man.

Why had he risked himself to save Erwin? This soldier had the best instincts and greatest initiative on the battlefield that Erwin had ever seen, and that natural intuition had driven him to risk his own life for a man who objectively didn't deserve it.

Erwin tried to stay awake, to think and to enjoy this quiet moment with his companion. But before he knew it, he felt himself slip into sleep, lulled by the warm, familiar body back in the bed beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really really want to write a sex scene soon, but I feel it's too soon for these two.
> 
> I really appreciate all the comments and kudos. Please leave a comment with scene suggestions and I'll try and incorporate ones I especially like into the story.
> 
> Probably in the future I'll go back and do some minor updates to the story and grammar.
> 
> Hope you are all keeping well!


	6. Da steppt der Bär

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi snickered gently. “No, I suppose it could get a …..little messy. But you would order me to my death?” He pointed out. “You order me to use my body in war.”
> 
> “That is different. That is what we agreed to long ago. We did not agree I could use your body for…..this.” Erwin gestured at Lord Geigerleich. 
> 
> ‘Besides,’ Erwin thought, looking at Levi’s relieved expression. ‘I think I want solely it for myself.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant

“What time do you think it is?”

Levi turned his head at the question. The pair were riding together, side by side, heading for Levi’s first fundraiser in Mitras.

He shrugged his shoulders, wincing slightly at the pain from where his muscles had only recently knit back together, "Dunno. Why you need a piss break?" 

"I just want to make sure we keep to our schedule. My watch is in my bag." 

Erwin had planted the idea in Shadis' mind to include Levi after returning from their last expedition; it had been incredibly successful, with new ground gained and no soldiers killed. This was mostly due to Levi’s uncanny ability to be able to perform solo kills one after the other, operating almost completely independently. 

On returning through the gates, Keith took off only one glove and waved to the crowd; it was the unspoken signal that they had all returned alive. The cheers that erupted had been deafening.

_“We have all returned!” Keith had bellowed, turning his horse and pointing at Levi. “This young man killed 20 Titans today, single-handedly!”_

_The crowd went quiet, staring at the slight man in the saddle. Then someone cried out, “Our strongest fighter! Humanity’s best hope!” The chant was taken up by a few, then hundreds. Necks craned out of windows and over each-other’s heads to see this warrior._

_“Is it that him?” A child sitting on his father’s shoulders pointed excitedly at Mike. “He’s the biggest.”_

_Mike saw the pointing child, smiled and pointed his own thumb towards Levi. “He’s called Levi, kid,” Mike shouted._

_Then they took up the shout of his name. Erwin looked over at Levi. He was looking straight ahead, not engaging the crowd, and looking completely mortified. Erwin smirked. He would have to get used to it._

_Soon, the other soldiers were addressing Levi by ‘Captain’, a rank that didn’t exist within the Survey Corps hierarchy._

_"Let them," Shadis had said to Erwin. "It saves me having to give him a real promotion!"_

Once he'd recovered enough to take off his sling, Levi had resumed training as normal and was more than happy to have a break from HQ for a week. 

Now only a day from approaching Wall Sina, Erwin's excitement was mounting; how wonderful it would be to have a proper wash and lie in a real bed in the palace the ball would be held at.

He was glad to have Levi's company on this trip. Through time spent training together and working on Levi's literacy, Erwin already felt the younger man and himself were well on their way to becoming inseparably firm friends, but there was something about spending a week together alone on the road away from HQ that had brought them immeasurably closer.

At night they lay on their bed rolls and and looked up at the stars, talking about inane topics and trying to outdo each other with jokes and stories. During the day, they raced the horses and made jibes at each other, occasionally disclosing something about their personal lives or beliefs, or discuss mission strategies and their comrades strengths and weakness on the field.

Each night had seen them laying closer and closer together, ostensibly to keep their voices low when they conversed so they could listen out for animals nearby. It would be nice to spend some time on real leave together sometime, maybe going to a theatre, the museum or the circus. Erwin even recalled a wine tasting event he'd really wanted to attend, but didn't want to go alone. Maybe Levi would make congenial company.

It was with a jolt that Erwin realised that he was starting to consider Levi his closest companion. He had never really had a best friend before. His father had fulfilled that role when he was a small boy, and then as a teenager he had felt close to Nile and Mike. Somehow though, this felt different.

The blonde had never been good at expending emotional energy on others, feeling as though he barely had enough for himself most days. But Levi was accepting of what he did have to give and never demands more the way his other friends had. 

Unable to give enough of himself to Mike or Nile, the two boys eventually found other friends to grow close to. Not to mention the girls they chased after. But Erwin didn't have to share Levi with anyone, and the possibility of a physical relationship was still on the cards. They were comfortable with each other and it felt like they were a team of two. A coalition. A partnership. Best friends.

Running a hand through his sweaty hair, Erwin felt it was time to give the horses a rest, “It must be nearly time to stop for a break. I know somewhere good to rest for a bit.”

They rode off the path and headed down to a pretty stream, with a small sandy bank snaking alongside it. Erwin dismounted and got out Chisholm’s nosebag feeder. The horse looked pleased, trotting over to stand in the shade and enjoy his meal. Taking off his boots and socks, Erwin spread his cloak on the ground to lie on his back, letting his feet rest on the cool sand. He wriggled his toes, enjoying the feeling of burying them slightly.

“Is this your second heaven?” Levi asked, following suit, except he left his boots on and took his jacket off. Despite all the space around them, Levi sat immediately beside him, their bodies tantalisingly close but not quite touching. 

“Yes, you could say that. I enjoy relaxing near water.” Erwin was glad that Shadis wasn’t here with them. They couldn’t have been this informal. The Commander had taken unwell, and Erwin had implored him not to travel. It hadn’t taken much convincing; the man hated brown-nosing at balls.

_“But let me take Levi, like you suggested,” Erwin had said, “They want to see him.”_

_“Just don’t leave him on his own. At best he’ll piss someone off, at worst……...”_

_“I’ll tell him to watch and learn.”_

He took a deep breath of clean air and closed his eyes. It was nice to be attending as the most senior officer and to be the one to show off his catch to the nobility. Unexpectedly, he felt fingertips brush his cheek. He snapped his head round at the touch.

“It’s about four o’clock,” Levi said, withdrawing his hand and turning his gaze back to the sky.

“Huh?” The light touch had felt like an electric shock had passed through Levi's fingertips onto his face

“Can tell by your beard.”

“Oh, really?” Erwin reached up his own hand to rub at the sharp stubble on his chin. He would need a fresh shave before dinner that night. “Do you need to shave often?”

“Almost never. Sometimes my upper lip. Some men don’t really grow facial hair though, right?”

“No, everyone is different.”

“Sorry, stupid question.” Staring out over the water, Levi crossed his legs under himself, one of his knees now resting on Erwin’s thigh.

Erwin shook his head, and decided to brave setting a hand on Levi's knee. “It isn’t a stupid question.”

“Do you think I’m stupid for asking it, then?”

Erwin propped himself up on his elbows. “No of course not. You’re just…..innocent.”

Levi scoffed. “I’m not innocent. You know what I’m capable of.”

Erwin laughed. “You are surely capable. But I meant you are innocent in terms of never having had a formal education on the human body.”

They were silent a while. Levi lay down and turned onto his stomach, playing idly with the long blades of grass. His healing shoulder caused his movements to be more stilted than usual, but he never complained about the pain or stiffness Erwin was certain must still be present. 

“Can I ask more questions?”

Erwin's expression softened at the request. “Of course. I don’t know everything, but I can try and help. What do you want to know?”

“You can’t tell anyone.” Levi threw him a guarded look. 

“I’m not going to. This can strictly be between us.”

Levi took a slow, deep breath. “Women are different to men, right? Like, down there?”

“Yes. Very different.” Sitting up, Erwin took a finger and began to draw in the sand at his feet. He enjoyed teaching pretty much anything, and was glad Levi trusted him enough to ask such a delicate question. As delicately as Levi could ask such a question, he supposed. “This is a basic drawing of what it looks like.” Levi scrambled over to look, his curiosity piqued.

“What’s that?”

“The clitoris. It’s like a small penis. When you rub it, the woman feels good.”

“Do they piss out of it?”

“No, that’s what this hole is for,” Erwin gestured to the crude diagram, “and this one is called the vagina. It’s where a man puts his erection for sex.”

“So that other one is the asshole then?”

“Yes.”

“Huh,” Levi huffed, face grimacing, “there’s a lot of stuff going on down there then.”

Erwin looked quizzically at him. “So, have you never…..?” The question hung heavy between them. Levi was silent for a bit. He still wasn’t entirely certain that Levi _was_ a virgin. He might not be. Erwin knew plenty of men who had sex with women, but who wouldn’t be able to label a diagram of the anatomy. “You don’t have to tell me if-“, Erwin started, not wanting to overstep.

“-No, don’t worry,” Levi cut in. “I don’t think I’m really all that interested, to be honest. At least, I’ve never really wanted to…..you know…”

“Never?”

“Well, not quite _never._ But I’ve always been worried it would be painful for them. Just can’t bring myself to do it.”

“Painful?” Erwin smirked, “Are you so well-endowed then?”

“No.” Levi punched his arm playfully. “I didn’t mean that. Though obviously, yes I am.”

“Well, why would you worry about hurting them?” Erwin asked, cautiously.

Levi lay back down, fiddling with a long piece of grass he had plucked from the ground.

“My mother was……” Levi seemed to struggle to complete the sentence.

Erwin made a guess. “Was your father cruel to her?”

“I don’t know who my father is.” Levi sighed. “I was born in a whorehouse, Erwin. My father could be literally anyone.”

Erwin stared at him. Opened his mouth. Closed it again. This he hadn’t guessed. He himself had slept with quite a few prostitutes, but he had never thought he would be friends with the son of one. Had he considered himself too good for that? He looked away, feeling rude for staring.

“You can’t look at me now, can you?” Levi asked, softly.

Erwin’s eyes snapped back to Levi’s face, which he had turned away.

“Levi," Erwin said firmly, causing the younger man's eyes to turn towards his, "It changes nothing. I’m surprised, I suppose, but it doesn’t really matter to me.”

Levi looked unconvinced. Vulnerable. Erwin had presumed (wrongly, he now knew) that Levi's father had taught him to fight, to survive Underground. Instead it seemed that as a boy, he had no strong, positive male role model in his life. Indeed, perhaps the only men Levi had known in his childhood had been his mother's clients.

“Where is your mother now?”

“She died when I was a child. From a disease one of the men gave her. I’d heard of other women dying like that where we lived, but I didn’t think it could happen to her.” Levi took a breath. “Some guy raised me after that. I don’t really know how, but he knew my mother. He wasn’t a good guy, but he taught me how to survive. I’d have died otherwise. He left when I was able to fend for myself.”

“Is that when you met your friends?”

“I met Farlan first,” Levi grinned at the memory. “He liked how I was good at fighting. Said he would be ’the brains’ if I were ‘the brawn’. Izzy came later. I found her half-starved in a gutter. Farlan was furious at first. Asked if I was going to adopt every half-dead child I came across." Levi smiled gently. "She kept getting in trouble with gangs. My god, that girl was _always_ in trouble. I think she somehow knew I wasn’t interested in women in _that_ way. Always said she felt safe with me.” His face darkened. “She wasn’t safe with me though. No-one is.”

The last statement tinged Erwin's smile with sadness. Despite that, he felt outrageously excited by the admission that Levi probably wasn’t into women; he pressed on with his line of questions. “Do you still blame yourself?” Erwin asked, needing to know. “Do you still blame me?”

“No,” Levi said sharply. “I blame Lobov. I blame the Titans. I blame those _noble_ pigs for sending us out on useless errands.”

“Try not to be too rude to those ‘noble pigs’ this evening. It will reflect badly on me.”

Levi snorted. “I’ll try. Don’t expect miracles though.”

They lay together for a while, listening to the birdsong and enjoying the warmth of the sun.

“You don’t hate me, then?” Erwin turned his head towards Levi. He felt he knew the answer, but wanted to hear it from the younger man himself. The dark head turned to look at him again, those stunning grey eyes locking gaze with his own. 

“No, I don’t,” Levi said quietly. Erwin could see Levi’s eyes darting from Erwin’s eyes to his lips, and then back up again. “I…….”

Levi seemed lost for words, his cheeks darkening with a deep blush. Erwin felt his heart leap with excitement from the small admission, and the reaction to it. All the small touches, the 'accidental' brushing against each other recently- was it finally about to pay off?

“I’m very fond of you too, Levi.”

Levi licked his lips. “Yeah sure, as friends, right?”

He looked so nervous, in a way Erwin had never seen the powerful fighter appear. And here in this moment, with the smell of the sweet summer grass and the late afternoon sun shining through the leaves, Erwin had never been more enchanted by anyone. Levi's breathing had changed cadance, and his pupils had dilated.

Reading the situation and deciding that he couldn't waste the opportunity, the blonde scooted forward and pressed his own mouth to Levi’s. Levi jumped backwards as if he had been electrocuted.

“Woah, hey,” Erwin soothed, “you’re alright. It’s me.” He reached out and gently took Levi’s hand in his own, kissing the knuckles gently. Levi was staring at him, clearly warring within himself whether he ought to trust Erwin and himself to continue. “Is that not what you wanted? Do you want me to stop? I thought….”

“N-no… I mean….yes, it's what I want. I don’t want you to stop. I’m just……”

But it seemed Levi didn’t know quite what he wanted, as his sentence tailed off and he continued to stare silently at Erwin, licking his lips anxiously. 

_He's wary. Scared of his own passion,_ thought Erwin. 

“I did wonder….” Levi almost whispered.

“Well, wonder no more.” It was difficult not to over-exude power and confidence in the face of the other man losing his.

“It’s just……I don’t………I don’t know how to do………….any of this….” Levi gestured between them, before trailing off again.

“With a man?”

“Well, I know _how_ it works,” Levi said, embarrassed. Erwin raised an eyebrow, unconvinced Levi _did_ know how it worked. "You stick it in me and thrust repeatedly until you come. I'm not an idiot. It just sounds like it might be messy and painful."

Although he wanted to laugh at Levi skipping straight to the mechanics of sex, part of him lit up with delight that the other man saw himself as the receptive partner. However, humilating Levi by laughing at inappropriate moments wasn't part of the plan to coax him into bed, and Erwin was determined to put him at ease again. He still needed to know what point exactly Levi occupied on the spectrum of sexual experience.

Reassuring Levi gently, Erwin gave a soft smile, "I don't think you are an idiot, just inexperienced. But there's a bit more to it than that otherwise, yes, it would just be painful and not fun for either party. Sex is more than just penetration and climax; it's all the petting, closeness and intimacy involved as well."

Levi shrugged and looked away, “I would have liked to have tried it before, it's just I’ve never……you know....trusted anyone enough. It’s dirty in the Underground, and you can’t really let your guard down with other men there.”

“Okay,” Erwin furrowed his eyebrows, wanting more clarity than he had gained earlier. “Well, what _have_ you done?”

Levi paused, not meeting Erwin’s eyes. “I’ve…..seen it…”

“Seen it?” He felt Levi withdrawing his hand from his.

“As I said, my mother was a whore, Erwin." Levi gave a heavy sigh, "I was born in the room she was forced to entertain men in. When I was young, I would sit in the corner and pretend not to be there. She often got hurt by over-zealous men, and died from a disease given to her by a customer. Any thoughts I had about physical intimacy between people died with her.”

“Oh, Levi.” He tried not to let pity show on his face. “Alright, so when you were older, perhaps you…. felt you shouldn’t. That it was a bad thing? That you should just….uh….take care of your own needs?”

Levi shook his head, “I don’t even really need to. You get used to not doing _it_. I mean……” he ran a hand through his dark hair, “I just didn’t have the privacy to….you know, in the Underground. At least, not enough privacy for my liking. And even here…” he gestured around, seeming to mean _The Surface_ “I share a room with other men. I just couldn’t….”

“Surely you have touched yourself before? Have you ever let another man touch you?”

“Well of course I get myself off,” grumbled Levi, clearly embarrassed. “Just not that much. And to answer your other question, you nosy son of a bitch, no I haven't ever felt comfortable enough with anyone to let them put their hands on me."

It was as Erwin had suspected. “But you must have…….needs?”

Levi shrugged. “I just ignore them. You get used to it, I guess. Besides,” he scrunched his nose, “it’s messy.”

“Ha!” Erwin laughed, then held up his hands to placate Levi. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t laughing at you. It just doesn’t surprise me that you might see it that way.”

“Surely with two men, it’s doubly dangerous……and messy….”

“It doesn’t have to be. It can be gentle. We can start slow, with the basics. It's best to begin with just touching and getting to know each other. I can show you how wonderful it can be when someone you desire touches you, and you can discover your preferences for being held and kissed. And we can bathe after.”

“Hmmm,” Levi seemed to ease up at the idea of that. “And before,” he said, firmly.

“If you’d like.” It was a small price to pay. "Can we try again? Kissing, I mean?" 

Levi looked at him warily. “We aren’t going to……I mean……not the whole way... not here, right?”

Shaking his head and allowing his smile to grow slightly, Erwin replied, “Uh, no, just kissing. We probably don’t have the amount of time I would like to take, to do any more." Shuffling himself towards Levi and cupping the angular face with one hand, Erwin placed the fingers of his other hand gently under Levi’s chin. “Besides,” he said, “your first time should be special, in a bed and with proper preparation.”

 _I'll teach you not to fear your passion, to never fear hiding it from me,_ Erwin silently promised him. 

He coaxed Levi’s gaze upwards and held it. The young man licked his lips and unexpectedly leaned in, coming up on his elbows to meet Erwin halfway, pressing their lips together in a soft, chaste kiss.

They parted for a brief moment, their eyes locking; then suddenly they were coming together again, Levi’s hands reaching up to grasp the material of Erwin’s shirt at his shoulders. Erwin let himself come down, to put some of his weight down on Levi, to hold him fast, bringing a hand up and threading it through the hair at the side of Levi’s head. He could feel the prickle of the shorter hairs, and the softness of the longer ones.

Levi’s hands had snaked up his back, bunching the fabric and pulling Erwin down more on top of him. Erwin held himself back from adding tongue to the kiss- he suspected that might be a step too far for the fastidiously clean man. It was something they could build to.

Erwin’s eyes closed of their own accord, and he groaned deeply into the mouth of the man he had grown to admire so greatly. He decided to let himself enjoy this moment.

Their kiss was passionate in its own way, despite the inexperience of his partner. Their natural magnetism for each other made Erwin’s mind sing with joy at finally getting what he wanted. The dark taste and the fresh masculine scent of the other man slaked the thirst Erwin hadn't realised he had been dying from for so very long, and the delightful sounds Levi made assured him that he was enjoying this as much as Erwin was.

It was almost impossibly difficult not to push for more; to not allow himself to harden against Levi and shove his tongue into his mouth to taste him fully. But the other man was completely virginal, and was unlikely to tolerate speeding things along too fast. 

Besides, this seduction was purposefully slow. A pretence courtship which would hopefully one day lead to real sex and the heart of humanity's strongest becoming dedicated entirely to himself. Being Levi's first might permit Erwin certain liberties, and give him a unique place in the other man's heart. The inexperienced man might even be the type to fall in love after sex, especially if it was as good as Erwin was planning on making it. 

For now, Erwin pushed his plans to manipulate Levi's loyalties out of the forefront of his mind and allowed himself to enjoy this first real kiss with the young man in the grass beneath him. 

~~~~

Levi had not fully expected this. He had wondered why Erwin had been fleetingly touching him more and more recently. Had wondered if it was part of a power play between them. Didn’t want to entertain the idea that it was because he desired him.

So when the opportunity came up to talk about sex, especially away from HQ and being completely alone together, Levi had leapt at the chance. He was interested in what Erwin’s experience was, and whether he really was as straight as an arrow. There were never any rumours about Erwin’s bedfellows, the way there were about some of the other Squad Leaders. So either Erwin kept his secrets about his conquests close to his chest, or….perhaps there weren’t any. It seemed unlikely. Although Erwin had told him what he had previously gotten up to with some of the higher-class women. Levi wondered if that was what they expected of him too.

He had felt a bit embarrassed by his lack of anatomical knowledge, and wasn’t really interested where a man placed his erection in a woman. But he _was_ worried that it could prove an embarrassment to himself, Erwin and the Corps if his _services_ were required tonight, and the man deemed 'Humanity's Strongest' turned out to actually be a virgin, a flop in bed and had no idea how to please a woman. People associated sexual prowess with real power, after all.

In all honesty, he had also braved asking Erwin for the anatomy lesson as he was curious about how Erwin would explain it, as if it might give him clues as to what the tall, handsome blonde was like as a lover. Considerate? Dominant?

But he supposed he should try and remember at least some of the technical details regarding what was between a woman's legs, just in case such knowledge was ever required. 

Throughout the lesson, Levi couldn’t help staring at Erwin's lips. He tried to make a conscious effort to focus on Erwin’s eyes, but failed miserably. He had never before felt this way about someone and had no idea what to do next. So he said the only thing he could think of when Erwin had asked Levi's honest opinion on him. 

“I don’t hate you…”

By the Walls, how embarrassing; what was he, a teenager? What a fucking vague, useless thing to say.

Yet apparently, it was all Erwin needed to hear, for suddenly, this beautiful, blonde man had moved forward and placed his lips on his. It felt like everything he had ever needed, but never had before. It felt like pure electricity passing where they touched each other.

But then fear had surged within him and Levi's mind began to fire questions at him.

Would Erwin lose control and take things further than Levi was ready for?

Would the man turn aggressive if denied?

Levi moved away, not wanting to lead him on, but instantly regretted ending their kiss when he saw Erwin's soft expression. No, perhaps this man would be different. He had already showed himself a trusted companion, and could apparently please others in bed.

Feeling more confident now that the ice was broken they tried again, and this time he let Erwin press him down onto the grass. He could do nothing but scrabble furiously at Blondie's shirt and buckles, trying to pull him closer. Embarrassment filled him as he felt himself letting out an involuntary groan against Erwin’s mouth, then tilted his head back to let Erwin mouth at the shell of his ear, then his neck and clavicles.

 _It's happening_ , his thrilled mind yelled at him. _It's really happening_.

It wasn't merely a dream or a fantasy this time. He was kissing someone.

A _real_ flesh and blood man.

 _Erwin_.

Holding him and being held by him in return. Deliciously warm lips gently caressed his own, moving and applying light suction, coaxing him to respond in kind. 

His brain seemed to have switched off, leaving him incapable of doing anything other than lie there and feel. Even the ever-present pain in his shoulder seemed to have vanished. Soft kisses trailed down then up his neck and across his cheek, back to his mouth. Mind flooded with sensation, he tried to pay attention to what felt good, hoping to be able to reciprocate in kind once it was his turn. 

But much sooner than Levi would have liked, Erwin pulled back, grinning down at him and looking very pleased with himself.

For long seconds he stared up into the handsome bastard's dazzlingly blue eyes, dazed and temporarily speechless.

“Happy?” Levi finally asked, feeling unsure and switching to sarcasm as a defense mechanism. He wished he had been able to reciprocate more of the kissing, but his brain seemed to have short-circuited during the make-out session. 

“Very.” Erwin gave him another small peck, before standing up and offering his hand to Levi. “We had better get going though. As much as I’d love to roll round with you in the grass all day, we have somewhere we need to be.”

“Fuck it.” Levi couldn’t care less about the ball. He was more than happy to stay and roll around a bit longer. “They won’t care that much, will they?”

“Ha, I think they’ll notice. Come, let’s keep going.”

~~~~

They made good time on the rest of the ride, a new charged energy existing between them. They didn’t talk more about the intimacy they had shared, but Erwin shared a bit about his own family life when he was a child. He couldn’t remember the last person he had talked to about his father, but Levi seemed interested in hearing about him, and Erwin felt oddly emotional at someone wanting to get to know him better.

His hand kept unconsciously coming up to his own mouth, fingertips brushing his lips as if to recapture the fleeting touch of them against the other man's. It had been a long time since he had enjoyed a kiss that much, even in spite of it being the tamest one he could remember. 

Later that evening, they arrived at the grand house where their host, Lord Geigerleich, lived. He had graciously offered them a room in his own stately home. Erwin suspected that it would make the nobleman look good in the eyes of the people to be the first to host ‘Humanity’s Strongest’.

Like soldiers, the nobility were well known for having same-sex bedmates. It was with no surprise that the room they were escorted to had only one bed. Although, what a bed it was. Large and luxurious and covered in cushions, Levi had playfully thrown himself on it, much to the disgust of the butler who had escorted them there. Erwin found himself amused by Levi's antics and made no comment. 

The room itself was sumptuous and pretentious. Carpets lined the floor, and thick velvet curtains framed the windows. The adjoining bathroom had caught Levi’s immediate attention, and Erwin enjoyed watching him scrutinise the over-large bath. He thought about how nice it might be to try and convince Levi to let them have a bath together.

“Remember Levi,” Erwin said adjusting his dress uniform in the long mirror, “if you are propositioned with a mission, do not commit either way. Come and inform me and I will complete negotiations, if it sounds reasonable.”

“Yes yes yes,” Levi replied, moving to sit on the window sill and watching the gardeners working in the sprawling gardens below. Erwin turned to look at him. He could tell Levi was enjoying the cleanliness of the palace, and the geometric patterns of the plants in the gardens which were best viewed from above. But he could also sense the dismay that some had it so good, whilst under them lay a city of people who knew nothing but poverty and austerity.

He came up behind Levi and wrapped his arms around his chest. Levi relaxed into the embrace, allowing it for a minute, then stiffened and swatted him away.

“Hey!” He said angrily. “What if someone down there were to spot you, doofus?!”

“I don’t think I’ve been called a doofus since I was six years old,” Erwin chuckled. “But yes, you are right. I ought to be more discreet.” Erwin appraised his hopefully soon-to-be lover in his borrowed dress uniform. “You look nice in that. It’s hard to help myself.”

“Well, try harder,” Levi sniffed, and turned once again to look out the window.

Erwin sat on the embroidered coverlet on the bed and pulled out some sheaves of paper with details of the lords and ladies he needed to network with that evening. He had been collecting details for weeks on their lands, loyalties, family trees and hobbies. Erwin wanted to waste no time intregrating himself into this world. His hand strayed to the silken sheet beneath the coverlet. He smiled, imagining Levi sprawled and panting under him, enjoying the feel of silk against his skin for the first time.

With that pleasing thought in mind, Erwin led Levi down to the grand hall. It was full of extremely well-dressed men and women. But in dress uniform, Erwin knew that he looked well, stood out and would draw the eye of many.

After some handshaking and pleasantries with old, familiar faces, he was introduced to their gracious host.

“Ah, Lord Geigerleich, what a pleasure to finally meet in person.”

~~~~~

So far, the evening had just about been tolerable. The food smelled good, and the wine was the best he had ever had. But he wanted to keep a clear head, and an eye on Erwin. He turned his head towards the tall, rotund nobleman Erwin had greeted, who was coming towards them looking like Christmas had come early. The nobleman had an elongated, protruding jaw which didn’t fit his face, and a large unibrow. Levi couldn’t quite catch what his name was.

Levi listened to them exchange pleasantries, before the lord began to bounce excitedly on the balls of his feet.

“Smith, where is this young man they call ‘Humanity’s Strongest?”

Erwin nodded and turned towards Levi. “I have brought him here to meet you all,” Erwin said smoothly, but the lord didn’t seem to understand that Levi was _literally_ right here. Lord Unibrow looked eagerly around the room over the heads of the men and women mingling.

‘ _Probably looking for a behemoth like Mike,’_ thought Levi.

“I cannot see him!” exclaimed Lord Unibrow. “Point him out to me Smith, there’s a good chap!”

Erwin smiled and clapped a hand on Levi’s shoulder. The lords and ladies gazed at him incredulously. Levi could practically hear their thoughts. _THIS_ was Humanity’s Strongest? This small, pale and sullen looking man?

Levi could see Lord Unibrow looking him over for signs of rank. Seeing none, the lord looked at Erwin.

“Smith, who is this? I thought you had understood that we wanted to meet Captain Levi tonight?” the nobleman whined.

“I understood perfectly,” replied Erwin. “My lord, this IS Captain Levi.”

Lord Unibrow looked disbelievingly at Levi.

“Bu-but there are no adorned officer’s epaulettes or insignias. Why this is a merely a Private.”

“This,” Erwin gestured, laying a hand proudly on Levi’s shoulder, “is most assuredly Captain Levi.”

The nobility continued to look unconvinced.

 _Probably_ , Levi thought, _because I’m short_.

“The Survey Corps traditionally has never had captains,” Erwin persisted. “The rank is an informal, honorific one, given to Levi by his fellow soldiers, and the people, who respect him for his abilities on the field. Such an unusual recruitment and background have merited Levi receiving a rank which has never existed. As indeed, such a man has never before existed.”

This was getting ridiculous. Levi knew he was good. The best. But Erwin was turning him into a spectacle, a mythical creature instead of the flesh and blood man he truly was. He could feel his eyes roll uncontrollably.

 _Damn_ , he thought, straightening up and uncrossing his arms, _gotta try and l_ _ook serious for Erwin's sake._

~~~~~

Erwin stood with his back ramrod straight, appearing to any outside observer to be listening intently to yet another noble lady, who was talking animatedly about how she would have loved to have joined the Militia if her circumstances were different.

“But with my breeding, it would be simply criminal not to get married and have children!” she laughed. “It’s important to make sure there will be new lords to lead the next generation.”

Erwin bowed his head in acknowledgement, but not in agreement, as she spoke. Over her shoulder, he could see Levi weaving through the crowd towards him looking serious.

“Very important work indeed,” Erwin assured her. “Would you excuse me, my Lady? It looks like my Captain needs a word.” He bent to kiss her hand causing her to swoon and giggle.

“Oh of course!” She fluttered away to talk to a tall, smiling MP standing with a glass of red wine.

“Levi, is everything alright?”

“Fine. Just got a…..request for a …uh,” he paused, grey eyes darting away momentarily, “a mission.”

“Good.” Erwin steered Levi towards a quiet corner of the hall. “What is it?”

“Well, uuhhm….”

“How much are they offering?” Erwin started with.

“He said probably around 20,000 credits.”

Erwin’s eyes lit up. “That's fantastic."

Funding like that was more than he could have hoped from two such fundraisers.

Nearly hopping in his excitement, Erwin asked, "How long will it take? Approximately?” 

“I dunno. I guess just one night?”

“Okay… and how many soldiers will it require?”

“Just me.”

“Just you, and……..wait, what?” Erwin stopped and stared at him. “What do you mean, ‘just you’?”

Levi scoffed. “Take a wild guess Erwin. Surely you can work it out.”

Erwin stood speechless, staring at the man he hoped would soon be his new lover. Levi couldn’t really be suggesting……but he was. Levi’s face told him that this was no joke. Who was brazen enough to request such a thing? He, himself, was no stranger to subtle offers from the ladies, but they were not outright requests with promises of financial recompense. Of course, it often did no harm to the Corps coffers, as money would mysteriously find its way into them if Erwin did in fact chose to frequent one of the richer ladies. He had no real scruples when it came to himself. But this…….this felt different. This was deciding whether it was alright for someone else to do it on his and the Corps behalf.

Erwin’s head whipped around the room, as if he might spot who had made this request. "Who asked you?”

“Lord Unibrow. You can’t tell me you are surprised. I know this has happened to you before. You told me. I expected it to be something I had to put up with too, now that I have to come to these things.”

Erwin glanced over at Lord Geigerleich, who was laughing heartily with some other pompously dressed aristocrats. Blue eyes flashed with anger, and Erwin imagined setting down his drink, rolling up his sleeves and punching the man square in the face.

Instead of acting on his impulses, Erwin sighed and sipped his wine. It was a lot of money. More than Erwin had ever recieved for his services. Despite that, it didn't seem enough for this particular man's virginity. It hadn't been lost on Erwin that people might want Levi to frequent their beds in the same way he himself did, but he doubted that anyone had guessed how totally inexperienced humanity's strongest was between the sheets. On top of that, he had no information about what Geigerlich's particular proclivities were, and it would be like sending Levi into the proverbial lion's den. Their host might give him the night of his life. Or (more likely), make his first encounter a painful and humiliating one. 

His voice was cool as he spoke, keeping his eyes fixed on Geigerleich, “It’s different, Levi. I am high-ranking and make my own choices. You are not and do not.”

“You think I can’t make my own choices?!” Levi’s eyes bulged. “Excuse me, but….”

“I am not saying you can’t,” Erwin soothed, redirecting his gaze at their strongest soldier. “I am saying that as a low-ranking soldier in the military, your choices are made mostly for you, and Lord Geigerleich is depending on that. He is hoping that I okay this.”

“Do you not?” Levi looked genuinely surprised. Erwin felt horrified.

“No, Levi. I do not, and I’m surprised you think I would. Did you really think that’s why I brought you here? And based on how well I know you now and what we discussed earlier today, how exactly do you envisage it going? Could you stop yourself from attacking him if he hurt you or you felt threatened by him?”

Levi snickered gently. “No, I suppose it could get a …..little messy."

Disappointed at Levi's incredulity, Erwin asked, "How unscrupulous and cold-hearted a monster do you think I am? Do you think I would send a virgin to have his first experience with an unknown stranger to just earn a bit of money?"

"But you _would_ order me to my death,” he pointed out, not wrongly. “You order me to use my body in war.”

“ _That_ is different. That is what we agreed to long ago. We did not agree I could use your body for….for this.” Erwin gestured at Lord Geigerleich.

‘ _Besides_ ,’ Erwin thought, looking at Levi’s relieved expression. _‘I think I want solely it for myself.’_

_~~~~~~~~_

Standing on the mezzanine level above the enormous ballroom, Levi had a good vantage point to view all of the goings-on taking place beneath him- the tittering of gossipers, the flirtations of lovers, the schemings of conspirators. Not to mention, it allowed him to keep a good eye on Erwin, who had just approached their host with a grim smile on his pretty face.

Aloof to the conversation taking place almost directly below him, Levi leaned his arm against the balcony, angling himself the other direction and pretending to not be paying attention out of the corner of his eye. Even at this distance and without hearing Erwin’s exact words, Levi could tell that the blonde was speaking in decidedly cool terms and couldn’t help but smirk into his drink when he saw Geigerlich’s face fall at Erwin’s refusal to send one of his subordinates into the man’s bed. The squad leader’s body language was tight with subtle anger; hand holding his wine glass over-tightly, shoulders taut and feet planted to give him a firm base as if he were about to physically attack the fat nobleman, who probably hadn’t noticed the subtleties in the blonde’s body language that Levi had become so accustomed to.

So, Blondie’s promises hadn’t been merely empty words after all. He really wasn’t going to send him to earn his keep in someone else’s bed while still injured.

He licked the inside of his teeth, wondering if it had anything to do with the fact that Erwin now considered he himself had a chance of taking what he thought was a complete virgin to bed, and wanted the experience for himself. Or maybe it really was a decision made based on concerns over Levi’s well-being and his own moralistic sense of duty to his soldiers.

It was several more hours of drinking before it was carriages and the nobles began to make their goodbyes. Calves stiff from standing still for so long, Levi stretched up onto his tiptoes for a second and sighed. Finally they could give up this fucking charade and retire to bed. Try as he might, it had been nearly impossible to be polite to these rich pigs, but the ruder he was, the more they seemed to flock back.

Eventually Levi had settled for giving silent, glaring looks at people from behind the rim of a crystal wine glass. It seemed to work and eventually they left him alone, instead standing around him pointing at like he was a fucking zoo animal, then whispering behind their hands.

Erwin gestured for Levi to join him, and the blonde gave polite thanks for their lodging that night to their hostess before they left the stuffy hall. In silence, the pair walked towards their room for the night; the blonde deep in thought, Levi deep in apprehension.

Once in private, Levi stared awkwardly at the bed, as though he hadn’t already shared a sleeping space with this man already on countless occasions. But this was different. Now that the ice was finally fucking broken and they had kissed by the river, there might be touching expected now; cuddling and kissing. And maybe more.

He gulped.

 _Should I get naked?_ He asked himself as he stroked the silken cover. _Is that what he’s gonna do?_

It certainly seemed that way. He looked up at where Erwin had started stripping off his shirt and for a moment Levi forgot how to breathe. As the blonde pulled his shirt up and over his head with both arms in one fluid motion, all his back muscles rippled under his skin.

It was nothing Levi hadn’t seen before, but now that he realised that he was welcome to run his hands over that ripped torso, blood rushed and then pooled in his groin, and he sat down to prevent Erwin seeing his obvious state of arousal. Turning around and catching Levi staring, Erwin seemed to mistake his gormless expression for one of shocked impropriety.

“Sorry Levi, I’ll get changed in the bathroom.”

Levi’s treacherous eyes followed the man’s retreating form, regretting looking so surprised.

 _Stupid,_ he admonished himself, giving his own arm a pinch. _You’ve seen him undress before. Why is this any different?_

He decided to wait fully dressed and follow Erwin’s lead. If the man came out nude, Levi would force himself to remove his dress uniform. If he came out in night wear, then that’s what he would do too.

The sound of water running indicated that Erwin had taken what Levi had said seriously, and had decided to wash before bed. In general, Erwin showered in the morning. _This_ was for Levi. It was another sign that Erwin was expecting sex tonight, and Levi’s adrenaline levels began to spike.

It felt like an eternity until Erwin came out. Levi heaved a sigh of relief to see that he was in pyjamas. Erwin seemed to pick up on this, and for a heart-stopping second Levi assumed he was offended. Because, that’s what sex partners did, right? Was be naked together?

But all Blondie did was give him an encouraging smile and waltz over to lay a kiss on his lips, his breath sweet from his minty toothpaste. Arms frozen to his side, Levi just stood rigidly and accepted the kiss, not really knowing whether to touch the taller man. It lasted only a few seconds and then Erwin was climbing into bed.

“Your turn for the bathroom.”

Levi nodded and grabbed his own wash bag, nearly slamming the bathroom door behind him in his need for a moment alone. His hands had never been so clumsy as he raced to brush his teeth and wash, hang up his borrowed dress uniform and put on his nightshirt and pants.

 _Socks on? Or keep them off?_ He deliberated, tapping a finger against his lips and staring down at his feet. He hadn’t noticed what Erwin had done. After a moment of intense pondering, he decided to leave them off. It might be nice to touch feet in bed.

Opening the door a crack, he peered out to see Erwin in bed writing in a notebook, a bright candle lit beside him. The sight warmed Levi. Wouldn’t it be nice if this was what greeted him every night? Erwin waiting for him in bed, perhaps wanting to show him something in one of his books before kissing each other goodnight and cuddling together.

Silently, he blew out the bathroom candle and walked cautiously around to the space Erwin had made for him on the left side of the huge bed. This bed was fucking huge- the mattress height finished above Levi’s waist, and the expanse of the thing meant that if they didn’t want to, he was sure that the two men needn’t touch each other all night. Swathes of fabric lined the four-posters; curtains to pull across to keep the warmth in, and prying eyes out.

Erwin’s right arm pulled back Levi’s side of the cover, a clear gesture to get in and join him.

Untying the cord around the curtains, Levi made to pull them around to see what the effect was, “Shall I pull these curtains?”

“Yes, it’ll be warmer that way. It’s a surprisingly chilly night.” Leaning over, Erwin blew out the candle beside him.

It wasn’t too cold, and Levi couldn’t help but suspect that the blonde was doing it to make everything a bit more intimate. With the curtains now pulled around them, it felt as though they were both in a giant, dark tent together. He slipped under the silken coverlet, smoothing it with a hand. How much had this thing cost? Levi had never seen such ridiculous extravagance in his whole goddamn life. Plain cotton made for much more effective bedding.

In the pitch black, Levi could sense Erwin rolling over in his direction and when a big arm sidled under his shoulders, Levi tensed up.

“Shhhh,” Erwin crooned. “It’s alright. I just want to hold you. Nothing else.”

Levi took a slow breath in through his nose.

He could do this.

This is what he wanted.

Despite the blonde having showered before bed, he had left his hair unwashed, and Levi could detect the scent of the rich red wine Erwin had been drinking earlier alongside the attractively masculine notes of the man himself that he had grown so used to.

 _This is Erwin,_ Levi told himself. _You trust him_. _Let him lead. Go with it._

Levi gulped so heavily that he was sure it echoed. Then he forced his body to relax and turn towards Erwin’s. Although he couldn’t see him, Levi could feel the man’s warm breath on his face, and he brought a hand up to touch Erwin’s hair. He had wanted to comb his hand through those blonde locks for so long. Erwin let out a sigh at the action, and Levi nearly jerked his hand away in shock. A big hand moved to rest on his hip above the cover, Erwin’s fingertips settling lightly on his ass.

“Are you alright?” The blonde was an excellent interpreter of body language, and Levi was unable to hide his body’s rigidity that spoke how spooked and uncertain he felt.

With some annoyance, Levi realised that he was also breathing very loudly.

“I’m fine,” he lied, trying to relax his tense shoulders before resuming raking his fingers through the blonde hair.

 _Soft_ , he thought. _It’s so soft. Like Izzy’s._

His fingers traced down to Erwin’s face, and in the pitch black he mapped out the features he had grown so fond of. The nose that had a bump in it, the strong chiselled jaw, the huge eyebrows. Levi smoothed them down and admired the feeling of Erwin’s sharp stubble across his upper lip and along his chin. He ran his thumb across the crease of Erwin’s lips and felt that they were curved up in a smile. Feeling brave, he leaned in and pressed his mouth against them, and with that Erwin’s hand slid up from his hip to in-between his shoulder blades, pulling him in closer. One of Levi’s hands was trapped under himself, and the other stayed put on Erwin’s face, ready to push him away if he got overexcited.

Erwin gave a stuttered inhale through his nose and began moving his lips to other parts of Levi’s face; his cheeks, his ears, his eyes, along his jaw. Levi let out an involuntary whine and moved to lay on his back; the action seemed to invite Erwin to get on top so that they were chest to chest, and one of his huge legs came to rest in between Levi’s smaller ones.

Now that both Levi’s hands were free, one cupped the back of Erwin’s neck, and the other palmed down the long plane of the older man’s clothed back. Erwin’s hand invited itself up inside Levi’s nightshirt to feel his skin in turn. Every hair on Levi’s body stood erect at the sensual touch, and he shivered in delight, huffing out a sharp exhale against Erwin’s cheek.

Those talented lips moved down to attack Levi’s neck, lightly sucking and tickling as they went. Then Levi felt Erwin’s bulge against the inside of his thigh.

Suddenly, he began to feel claustrophobic in the confines of the bed, his mind shouting at him to fight the other man off. But instead, his limbs froze and stopped obeying his commands. Trapped in his own body, Levi decided it was safest to just let the other man do as he pleased, then hopefully it would all be over sooner. He prayed it wouldn’t be too painful or messy.

Staring up into the darkness, he tried to go far away, to try and pretend that he wasn’t in this bed and about to endure something he desperately wanted but wasn’t yet ready for.

 _At least Erwin might enjoy it_ , he consoled himself.

“Do you want to be little spoon?” Erwin’s voice shocked Levi out of his trance and he closed his eyes in relief. They weren’t going to fuck tonight. Now that he thought about it, the fact that they were still both fully dressed may have made that rather difficult.

“Yes,” he practically squeaked, his pitch going up sharply at the end of the word. Even to himself, his voice sounded wrong and he cursed himself for acting weak.

Giving Levi one more kiss, Erwin manoeuvred them both into position and rested his nose against the back of Levi’s head.

Levi was stunned. He had been sure that once Erwin had an erection that everything would race out of control and they would end up having sex. The fact that he was able to stop himself was impressive; Farlan had once told him that once most men got started it was almost impossible for them to stop. Although Erwin was no longer at full mast, there was still the feeling of a firm warmth pressed against his backside which stopped him from letting his guard down as completely as he had only moments before.

A big arm held him flush against Erwin’s broad chest, and Levi had to admit that it felt wonderful to be held like this. He had dreamed of being with someone for years, but between his own fears and neuroses he had long given up all hopes of ever experiencing it for himself in real life. But with this one man he felt safe and clean, and Erwin’s actions tonight had helped cement that feeling further.

Erwin was gentle and patient. He wasn’t going to force Levi to entertain other men and women. He wasn’t going to tumble headlong into anything Levi wasn’t ready for in bed. He had even agreed to bathing before and after anything they got up to. Truly, this was an exceptional man, at least in Levi’s poor experience of other men.

Tentatively, Levi placed his own hand on top of Erwin’s, in a gesture that felt more intimate that anything they had already shared. His hand felt small compared to Erwin’s. They laced fingers, then their hands rearranged themselves to settle with a cupped handhold that he fell asleep still grasping.

~~~~

It was with great satisfaction that Erwin told Geigerlich in rather veiled terms that Levi was out of bounds. He described Levi’s criminal past and propensity for terrible violence in intimate detail, showing the nobleman his scar on his hand from Levi’s moment of anger with him, pretending it was merely from a disagreement over the last bread roll at dinner. Soon their host was clearly rather put off by the idea of bedding a volatile thug who was even now probably carrying at least three knives on his person.

How he wished he could tell Geigerlich what Levi would really be up to that night, and with whom. How he wished he could deck this man right in his piggy face. It would certainly impress Levi, who was leaning against the balcony above them and watching his interaction with their host with well-disguised interest.

At last the ball came to a slow end, and he was able to excuse them both and head to bed. His possessiveness had fired up his testosterone levels and Erwin couldn’t wait to climb beneath the sheets. If Levi were half as horny as he was, Erwin was in for a good night.

He pulled off his shirt without bothering to undo the buttons, and was pleased to see out of the corner of his eye that Levi was watching him. However, the younger man looked so shocked that Erwin decided to put off immediately getting nude. If Levi couldn’t handle him shirtless from across the room, he would never climb into bed with Erwin if he left his semi hanging free and wild. Then he remembered he had promised to wash. Not wanting to immediately scare off Levi, he decided to finish dressing in the bathroom after showering, before hopping into bed and grabbing a notebook to write in while Levi got ready. He tried to kill his erection by writing down thoughts about some of the information he had gleaned that evening. If sex was going to happen, then he could take his nightwear off. No big deal.

When Levi finally emerged, slinking nervously towards the bed, Erwin pulled back the cover to coax him in, trying to not give a predatory look while he did it. They had shared a bed many times before, yet the younger man was now warier than he had ever been around him.

 _It’s early days,_ he reminded himself. _I’ll warm him up to the idea._

Many men struggled with their confidence when they first bedded another man. Alongside shame at having such proclivities, there were dynamics that had to be worked through that didn’t exist when one slept with a woman. Naturally a woman would be the receptive partner. With another man, feelers needed put out to decide what role exactly they would be playing. Based on Levi’s mechanistic description of gay sex earlier in the day and his automatic presumption that Erwin would be the one sticking an erection in a hole, Erwin was sure that he could coax Levi to be the one on the bottom, at least at first.

When Levi offered to pull the curtains, Erwin assumed it was to give them extra privacy in case they were disturbed by a servant. He was pleased when Levi settled himself in to lay almost directly beside him in in the spacious bed, although they now lay side by side like two inanimate dolls in a dark dollhouse. Experimentally, he rolled over towards his companion and brushed their feet together. Levi wasn’t wearing socks. Levi _always_ wore socks in bed. _That_ was an invitation, right?

Erwin frowned to himself; was he overthinking this? Shrugging and deciding to go with what felt right, he forced an arm under Levi’s pillow to cradle them together. Levi jumped at first, then came willingly, fitting nicely against him. He adored being so much larger than his partners, and rather looked forward to being able to toss the much smaller man about in bed.

One of Levi's hands came up to rake through Erwin’s hair, before his fingertips ran lightly across his face. It tickled and he smiled as one digit traced his lips. He was a bit surprised when Levi bravely moved in for the kill and initiated a kiss. His hand came down to rest on Levi’s ass, a part of the man’s body that he had been rather obsessed with for a while now. Erwin’s mind flooded with lust at the feel of the taut globe filling his palm, his flesh aching to become one with this man.

He was glad that this night had not found Levi in their host’s bed. If they hadn’t stopped by the river today, what way would Geigerlich’s offer have played out?

Would Levi have gone willingly?

Erwin suspected as much. If Erwin ordered it, he was sure that Levi would obey. He had come on this journey expecting to behave as Erwin did, after all. But now that he knew that Levi had zero experience in any sense (he had after all just had his first kiss only hours before), he was determined to be the first of Levi’s forays into the unchartered sexual jungle awaiting his exploration. He would make this first time so exceptionally good that no one else would compare, and he would want to return to Erwin’s bed for more, time and time again..

Erwin had no idea what their host was like in bed, but suspected that the nobleman’s offer was only to provide himself with a good time. He shuddered as he imagined Levi’s first time being an unpleasant one. No. Everything had worked out for the best, and it would be nice if Levi’s first time with him were in such sumptuous surroundings with someone who would be considerate. 

As Erwin experimented with the kiss and ran his mouth down to Levi’s ears and neck, the less experienced man made a delightful little noise and moved onto his back. Sliding over him, Erwin’s hand slipped up inside Levi’s clothes to cop a feel, cautious of the man's injured shoulder. 

If this went the whole way, he would need to turn on the light and get some oil. There was no way he was going to do this without seeing Levi’s reactions to being pleasured; the image would be something to treasure when his nights became lonely once more. This wasn’t going to be a long-term thing; but perhaps the two of them could find physical comfort in each other on occasion, after missions or particularly bad days. It would be less complicated that way than getting too emotionally attached on his side.

At the feeling of the hard, muscled body wriggling beneath him, Erwin’s excitement mounted, and just as he was considering sitting up and ripping off his pyjama top, his partner stilled beneath him and stopped reciprocating in any way.

Erwin sighed; disappointingly he had reached the limits of this particular man’s comfort zone and this was apparently as far as things were going tonight. Ah well. Every night he would try and move things on a little further until finally they culminated in fulfilment.

Shuffling into a horizontal position, he was taken aback by the unusual timbre of Levi’s voice; he sounded very, very uncertain, but allowed himself to be manhandled into the little spoon position. Erwin stroked a hand reassuringly up and down the man’s thigh, and was pleased to feel him slowly relax once more. He couldn’t wait to one day lay claim to this fine body; to be the first to spill himself inside. Levi would be tight; a combination of his size and inexperience. In fact, Levi was quite the smallest man he had ever met, and Erwin himself was thicker than average when fully erect. He suspected they would have to indulge in some serious foreplay before any real intercourse could take place. Levi’s backside and hips felt positively miniscule where they were now pressed deliciously against his groin.

It was nice to hold someone in bed and at least now he didn’t have to worry anymore about whether in the night he reached out in his sleep to fondle his flighty bed mate. Having a smaller partner- man or woman- brought out his protective instincts, although he was aware that Levi was possibly the least needing of protection of any man who had ever lived.

It was easy to fall asleep cuddling into the warm, nice-smelling, little body. Erwin smiled into Levi’s hair. There was so much to teach this young man and to open his mind to. If he picked up sex as quickly as he did writing, Erwin was certain that he would soon have a fun fuck buddy living in close proximity; something he hadn’t enjoyed in years.

As he lay there thinking, Levi’s hand came up to cover his own, stroking his knuckles gently. Erwin gave a lusty smirk; it seemed as if Levi might indeed be the type to fall deeply and fast.

Perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaahhhh! Things are hotting up! Though about as quickly as global warming. I'm sorry for the super-slow burn, but I just don't think Levi is ready for all that Erwin has to give. And boy, does he have A LOT to give ;D
> 
> Thank you for all the kind comments, it really helps spur me on to write more. And suggestions are always welcome!


	7. Das Billige ist immer das Teuerste.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Think of the firewood,’ repeated some small part of his mind, trying to comfort him. ‘It’ll all be worth it, for warm water again.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant

Shadis had been determined to try and fit in one more expedition before winter set in. This time it was to try and get more samples of a golden-leafed plant with long, dark roots. Although the flowers weren’t particularly pretty, the plant’s resin had some very useful properties. Its value to the aristocracy lay in its contraceptive and abortifacient properties. A notoriously difficult plant to cultivate, it had been used almost to extinction within the walls, with demand high in the capital, leading to overharvesting.

On seeing the drawings given to Erwin, Hanji had immediately recognised the plant.

“It tastes like fennel,” they asserted.

“Have you used it?” Erwin asked.

“I’ve seen it. On my first mission outside the walls I saw it.”

“And you just…….ate some?”

“Yup.”

“An unknown plant?”

“I do it all the time.”

Erwin drew a hand down his face. “Of course you do. I don’t suppose you remember where you saw it?”

Proceeding to their office, Hanji began rummaging through untidy desk drawers, tossing out multiple scraps of paper. Erwin followed, peering in through the door at the untidy room allocated to the brilliant soldier. Somewhere in the past he had read something about geniuses and how they organised their spaces.

“A-ha!” Hanji exclaimed, brandishing a sheet with a flourish.

A larger piece of paper was handed over to him. It was a crudely-drawn map with a key denoting the locations of odd things they had noticed on expeditions. A plant, a large fungus and a tree with fruit were all carefully labelled.

“I didn’t know you were doing this.” Erwin was impressed. Perhaps a cartographer could go over some of these with Hanji and draw up a proper map.

“It’s just for fun, really. Didn’t think botany was your thing.”

“It’s not. But if we can get hold of this before winter, it might solve some of our winter budgeting issues.”

~~~

So, a fortnight later, the Corps found themselves at the large gate, readying for another mission outside the walls. Erwin was stationed near the front, alongside Shadis and Mike. Chisholm huffed out a cloud of hot breath. Levi’s legs were pressed against his own horse and he appreciated the warmth radiating from the animal. As usual, the forecasters had gotten it wrong,. Having promised a sunny and dry autumn day, they had failed to predict the ominous clouds that hung over them, and stretched long across the horizon.

Despite only being mid-autumn, the ground had been frozen for a week already. The HQ had been ridiculously cold and unpleasant. Someone had clearly been hoping for a clement month, as no one had thought to order in as much firewood as they had needed. It had necessitated a fair amount of bed sharing, not that Levi minded any longer. He couldn’t help the smirk that made its way to his face, or the thrill that shot down to his lower abdomen.

He had never before spent this much time willingly in a bed. Or horizontal. Usually he simply slept in a chair in his day clothes. Being able to take his clothes off to bathe regularly was a real luxury, and he had missed the lack of warm water for the last week. Unfortunately, he simply _had_ to keep clean and so continued to wash with a cloth and a bucket of ice-cold, soapy water.

He would then climb into bed, teeth chattering, and try to warm up next to Erwin. It was wonderful to be so physically close to another man, but also quite nerve wracking. The larger man would stroke his hands down Levi’s sides and back, while kissing his face and neck.

It was incredibly erotic. At first, he had been terribly shy about the close proximity. Farlan had once talked to Izzy about the birds and the bees when she had started to show an interest in some rather unscrupulous boys. Levi had eavesdropped on the conversation, and at one point heard him talk about a 'point of no return' in love play. At the time, Levi hadn't been sure what exactly Farlan had meant by that. But now that he shared a bed with a remarkably handsome and attractive man who wasn't shy about letting his hands and lips wander over Levi's body, he was acutely aware of what his friend had been talking about. He was glad that Erwin and himself were both still wearing several layers of pyjamas in the bed, as he didn’t yet feel quite ready to embrace sans clothing. Apparently though, his subconscious had different opinions on the matter. Levi’s dreams were filled with scenes involving a semi-naked Erwin, usually with them making out and touching. One morning, he had awoken to find that he had cum in his sleep. Mortified, he had crept out of the bed to wash and put on clean clothes, coldness be damned.

 _‘Think of the firewood,’_ repeated some small part of his mind, trying to comfort him. _‘It’ll all be worth it, for warm water again.’_

~~~

It would be a two-day trip. One to get out to the riverside where Hanji had last seen the plant, and then the next to return. The horses would be slower with the added weight of heavy woollen cloaks, extra provisions and bedrolls, but it was worth it to not have to sleep on a rough, stone floor. At least in cold weather the Titans seemed more sluggish too. Perhaps they were like lizards, and needed the sun to give them the oomph to get up and go. They certainly weren’t cold-blooded when they were cut open though; Erwin could attest to that.

As they rode out, they encountered a few larger Titans initially. Shadis directed Erwin’s squad towards one particularly ugly brute, and the team worked together to take it down. Two other squads were engaging in their own battles, but it all felt haphazard and poorly coordinated. Erwin was sure they could have just kept riding past without engaging, and without the Titans being able to catch the horses.

 _One day,_ he thought to himself.

Compass at the ready, Hanji was at the Commander’s side; they made frequent stops to orientate and redirect, before moving onwards across the open scrubland. There was absolutely no birdsong. Erwin couldn’t remember it ever being this quiet beyond the walls. Then he saw it. Tiny snowflakes drifting down, alighting gently onto the frozen ground, where they then settled. Shit. Were they even halfway to this river yet?

“Commander!” Erwin called out.

“Yes, Smith? Ride forward.”

Erwin pulled almost level with Shadis. “Ought we to continue, sir?” He gestured around. “This might seriously impede our ability to return safely.”

On the commander's other flank, Hanji rolled their eyes. Clearly they had already made this comment themselves to no avail.

“Would you like to starve this winter? Or perhaps just let everyone freeze to death in HQ instead?” The Commander’s eyes flashed.

Stress creased his already lined face, making him appear even more unkempt than usual. Erwin knew when to back off.

He contented himself during the cold, unpleasant ride by trying to remember the good things about snow and how as a child he had loved to frolic in it with his father. The good man had no qualms about shrugging off the burdens of adulthood for periods of time to indulge his inner child, and he would really let loose when it snowed. Erwin remembered many happy childhood days making snow forts, snowmen and firing snowballs with his father, then returning to their home for a hot drink by the fire, and a story while they snuggled under a blanket on the rocking chair, Erwin held securely in those strong, loving arms.

He thought of Levi recently seeing snow for the first time. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that Levi hadn’t seen snow before, but for some reason it had been. They had just left a tea emporium in town when the snow had started. Levi’s hand had reached up to touch a flake that had slowly floated down through the breathless sky, and when it landed, he had quietly gasped when it melted on his fingertips.

_“What was that?” Levi had asked, whipping round to face Erwin. Erwin was unable to hide the tender expression that had suffused over his face on watching the younger man being confused by the white flakes falling all around them now. Clearly feeling patronised, Levi looked scornfully at him. “Oh shut up.”_

_“I haven’t said anything.”_

_“Your eyebrows did the talking.”_

_“It’s snow, Levi. It’s water that freezes up in the clouds.”_

_Levi looked up, watching the snowfall becoming heavier with each passing moment. His eyes followed some of the flakes as they landed on his clothes. Levi shivered, not being dressed for the weather in only a jacket and thin white shirt. On impulse, Erwin took off his own white scarf, and, walking up behind Levi, wrapped it carefully around the lean neck, like his father used to do for him as a child._

_“Thanks,” came the muffled reply from under the layers of scarf._

_~~~_

In the cold weather, the horses were able to run harder. By late afternoon, they had made it to their destination, and still had some daylight to spare. Luckily, the snow wasn’t high enough to completely cover the plants yet. Each soldier had a burlap sack to fill with the plant, which seemed to grow abundantly in this small area.

“Get the roots too. But we mustn’t pick all of them,” Hanji warned. ‘Stewardship is important if we ever want to be able to come back and find more.”

“Didn’t think I was signing up as a soldier to come and pick fucking flowers all day,” Levi grumbled as he carelessly ripped out the plants, making Erwin smile.

Four miles further out was the planned stopover for the night; a large keep on top of a hill. Erwin had been to it twice before on different expeditions. It was safe, but the stony floor made for uncomfortable sleeping, even with a bedroll.

After this mission, he looked forward to being able to return to his own bed, with his newest bedfellow.

Involuntarily, he felt himself shiver at the memory of Levi climbing into bed every night after dousing himself with cold water and touching Erwin’s legs with his icy-cold feet. He had tried to convince Levi to get into bed without having to nearly freeze his balls off, but the man was having none of it.

_“I won’t mind if you don’t wash tomorrow night, you know?” Erwin subtly suggested._

_“I’m not washing for your sake. It’s for the sheets.” Levi snuggled further under the comforter. “I’m not stewing in my own sweat all night.”_

At the time, he had snorted back a laugh at Levi’s reply. In one sense, he understood where the smaller man was coming from. Without warm water, no one fancied doing much laundry, so washing before bed probably _did_ keep the sheets fresher for longer. But Erwin didn’t mind the natural smell of others. True, his olfaction was nowhere near as good as Mike’s, but there were certainly people whose smell he enjoyed more than others, and Levi’s certainly drew him in. He enjoyed smelling it in his bed.

Levi was still skittish in bed; Erwin had tried to initiate love play between them, but had to back off when it was clear that the younger man was worried where it might lead. Clearly, he wasn’t quite ready for _that_ level of intimacy, but they still enjoyed a few chaste kisses before falling asleep, and the cuddling could be innocently put down to having to share body heat.

Still, Erwin had needs, and his own hand was proving insufficient. He was looking forward to the next capital visit, where he was sure there was at least one young lady who might be convinced to sneak back with him to his inn, particularly if he kept some of this plant for himself as an enticement. The promise of no unwanted pregnancy made such trysts more enjoyable.

~~~

 _‘When is it going to stop?’_ Levi asked himself, as the snow continued to fall.

He had enjoyed it the first time he had seen it. Back then it was beautiful. Clean and white. Now, it was a nuisance. His horse didn’t like it either. She was starting to have to trudge through it, and he tried to guide her into a path made by some of the larger horses. It was slow going, and a bitter wind had picked up. Icy gusts sliced across his face, making it hard to keep his eyes open and difficult to hear orders being shouted ahead of him.

They were travelling in single file, circling the edge of a dense forest, staying out on the boundary. To his right, a hill sloped steeply away. He peered to his left, into the trees, wondering if it might be better to try and slip under the shelter of they provided, but the undergrowth looked too thick for the horses to move through. Behind him, snow flurries were whipping up and he could see little. He knew he was right at the back of the group. Ahead of him, Hanji was huddled tightly over their horse. Their cloak was held close as they looked straight down at the path they were trying to follow.

With the wind coming from his right, it was easier to turn his head towards the forest. It gave some relief from the biting cold on his face. His hands were numb and he tried wriggling his fingers and shrugging his shoulders to get some blood down to them. A gentle, warm breeze appeared on his face, and instinctually he leaned into it. Eyes met his. Eyes the size of cart wheels. In a second, he was standing on the saddle, numb hands forgotten.

“Hanji, MOVE!” He yelled, launching himself up towards the treetops, desperate to get the Titan to focus on him.

It looked like an abnormal. And it moved like an abnormal. Swiping furiously, it tried to reach him in the air, before trying to climb the tree itself. Levi swung out, attempting to get behind its neck. But the thing turned its head unnaturally round to 180 degrees, following his movements. He wasn’t particularly worried about taking it down. He had a good idea of what he wanted to do next.

-But you know, best laid plans and all that.

“Levi, go to your left!” Hanji was fiddling with something under their cloak. The wind whipped the material away from their body to reveal a large hand grenade.

“No, stop!”

It was too late. The grenade was activated and launched towards the base of the large tree. Clearly, their aim had been to force the Titan down from the tree. Or distract it. Or something.

Levi aimed his hips at another sturdy-looking tree, activated his gear and then _…….click_ …… _click_. Nothing happened. And it happened very, very, very slowly.

Feeling himself move in slow-motion, he put one of his blades beneath his feet, snapped his eyes shut and aimed his body away from the grenade as best he could.

The shock from the explosion drove the breath from his lungs and sent him flying out of the forest head-first, and down the steep, snow-covered embankment.

~~~

He felt warm. And heavy. And exhausted. Was he in bed?

Allowing his eyes to open slowly, Levi could see snow still swirling around him. Coming back to his senses and forcing himself to sit up, he realised that he was covered in a few inches of snow. It made him wonder how long he had been out. Shaking it off, he looked around. His head throbbed. Reaching up, he could feel a thick wetness on his scalp. There was blood on his fingers when he inspected them and the snow beneath him looked heavily blood-stained. His tongue felt thick and sore. All of his muscles ached. When he lifted his hips, the snow under him was yellow. Shit…..had he wet himself?

Slowly, he got to his feet. A wave of nausea crashed over him as he did, and he dropped down to his knees to retch into the snow. It steamed up from the ground towards him, and he moved a pile of snow over it to prevent himself vomiting all over again.

When he next tried to stand, he noted the soft snow around him was difficult to walk on. Drifts lay thick around him, making Levi feel disorientated. Every direction looked the same- white and grey. He wasn’t sure which direction the embankment was relative to him. Huffing out a cold breath, he decided to go with gut instincts and pick a direction, but with no horse and no functioning gear, it was hard to not feel despondent.

 _‘Am I really going to die this way?’_ he thought to himself. Unable to feel his feet, he began to trudge through the snow. 

Moving slowly and clumsily, hands tucked into his armpits and his wet cloak wrapped around him, Levi’s thoughts drifted to one of the poems from his book.

_‘Softly, so casual,_

_Lovely, so light, so light,_

_The cruel sky lets fall_

_Something one does not fight._

_How tenderly to crown_

_The brutal year_

_The clouds send something down_

_That one need not fear._

_Men before perishing_

_See with unwounded eye_

_For once a gentle thing_

_Fall from the sky.’_

He looked up. It was about snow, he realised. In a time where the arm of a Titan could appear from the sky above, or in his case, a carelessly thrown hand grenade, perhaps it wasn’t so bad to die watching the snow fall softly from above. If he survived, he would tell Erwin about it later.

After only a few more minutes of ploughing agonisingly slowly through the thigh-high snow, he thought he saw something approaching from his left. Shit. A Titan? With great effort, he tried to speed up, but his movement was so limited by the snow, and the increasing heaviness of his own mind and limbs.

“Shorty!” Hanji appeared on their dappled grey horse, pushing through the snow and offering an arm up. “Sorry about that. I meant my left!”

Levi felt he had never been so pleased to see anyone. Reaching up an arm, he allowed himself to be pulled onto the horse, sitting sideways in front of Hanji. 

“How are we going to find our way back?”

“This is why I always carry three compasses,” they pulled out several compasses on leather neck ties, “just in case I lose one or one gets broken. I’ll get you one for your birthday, though I really think they should be standard issue.”

“Are we far?”

“No actually. That was just supremely bad timing.”

“Is it dead?” It felt hard to talk around his sore tongue.

“Not sure. Didn’t hang round to see. Figured if I couldn’t see it maybe it couldn’t see me. And it’s hard to see anything right about now. It made it tricky to find you, though.”

Levi felt immensely sorry for the poor horse having to haul itself and two soldiers through the snow. He felt a lot warmer now that Hanji had wrapped their cloak around him too. He pulled it away from him.

“It’s okay, I’m warm enough.”

“No you are not. My friend, this is called hypothermia.”

His skin felt unbearably hot. Huffing out a breath, Levi made to unbutton his own cloak from round his neck.

“Don’t you dare, Levi. Keep that on,” Hanji warned him.

“I’m too warm now.”

“No you aren’t. Humour me and keep it on for just a couple more minutes, alright? Help me keep warm.”

It was said with such sincerity that Levi gave up, allowing Hanji to readjust their cloak around them both. It would be pretty shitty to let Hanji die from exposure just because he felt overwarm.

He watched the snow drift around them, allowing his head to lean against Hanji’s shoulder. They smelt really quite bad, but he was too tired to care.

“That’s good. Just relax against Uncle Hanji.”

With the rhythmic rocking of the horse beneath him, Levi felt his eyes shut of their own accord. He thought he could hear voices in the distance, or it might have just been the wind whistling. He slipped into a dream, where he was in Erwin’s bed, with his head pressed against the older man’s chest. He could feel him breathing. Could feel the warmth radiating off him. A feeling of safety enveloped him. The smell of Erwin’s cigarettes and fresh sweat filled his senses and he allowed himself to know no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad Erwin! Thinking of someone else!
> 
> And poor Levi. Not having much luck on The Surface, is he?
> 
> The poem is one by Joy Davidson, sometimes better known as the wife of C. S. Lewis. It is called 'Snow in Madrid' and is one of my favourites.
> 
> Feedback greatly appreciated! I am more than willing to insert scene suggestions!


	8. Passt wie die Faust aufs Auge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Passt wie die Faust aufs Auge
> 
> It can mean either 'Like chalk and cheese' OR 'A match made in heaven.'
> 
> Can it mean both simultaneously?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant

The first person they saw in the courtyard of the keep was Erwin, who was standing smoking a cigarette, apparently waiting for them to arrive. Stubbing it out with his foot, he made his way over to them, looking relieved. Hanji passed Levi down to him, before ungracefully dismounting from their horse. Being numb from the knees down made it quite difficult to tell when one’s feet hit the ground. Unsteadily, and with one hand still gripping the saddle, Hanji tried rocking on the balls of their feet, willing warmth back into them.

Erwin had disappeared with Levi into the keep, presumably heading straight for the San. Hanji would have followed, but the failure of their sense of proprioception in their feet would have slowed them all down.

“I’ll sort out your horse. Are you injured?” Wonderful, thoughtful Moblit had appeared, with a bowl of delicious smelling hot stew.

“No,” they replied, enthusiastically taking the bowl. The wood of the bowl was warm against frozen fingers. “It’s not my blood.”

“What happened?”

“Well, ha ha ha!” They reached up the hand not holding the bowl to rub the back of their neck. “I might have tried to use that grenade we were working on.”

Moblit looked aghast. “You brought it out with you?? I thought we had agreed it wasn’t ready yet?!”

“Let me assure you, it works very well indeed!” Hanji punched the air delightedly. “It took down an enormous tree!” They paused. “Buu-uut it may also have sent Levi hurtling into the air.”

Exasperated, but clearly relieved to see them in one piece, Moblit placed a hand on Hanji’s shoulder. “I think we need to consider having a less dangerous hobby when we get back.”

“Nonsense! We just need to develop and teach a shared mental model of the battlefield! Then when we do throw our giant explosives, no one will get hurt!”

“Uh huh.” He shook his head, squeezing their shoulder lightly. “Anyway, go and sit and dry off. No point in making it all the way here just to die of the cold here within the keep’s walls.”

In the main hall, a large fire was roaring in the grate. Most of its light and heat was obscured by woollen cloaks hanging to dry, ready for tomorrow’s trek back. People shifted to get close to what warmth there was, huddling and shivering mostly in silence.

Inhaling their food and slurping it noisily out of the bowl, Hanji went to give their cloak over to two of the newer soldiers, who had the unenviable job of taking and drying the woollen cloaks. It seemed pointless to Hanji to try and hang nearly fifty cloaks near the only fire they had, as it was soaking up all the heat radiating out. No point in having dry cloaks but frostbitten soldiers.

“Hey guys!” The young men turned to look at Hanji. “Best way to dry them is probably to put them outside and let them freeze. Then in the morning, we can beat the frost off them.”

“Yes, sir!”-

-“Yes, ma’am!” Both men saluted, then stared at each other aghast, looking horrified at their potential error.

Hanji laughed. “Okay boys, hop to it.”

The two scuttled off. Without the sodden clothing hanging in the room, it was suddenly a lot brighter and warmer. A deep voice rumbled behind them.

“Ah Hanji, what would we do without you?” It was Erwin again.

“I guess we would have fewer explosions?”

Erwin let some concern show on his face. “Are you alright? What happened? Do you need to debrief?”

“Uh, maybe, a Titan and yes please.”

They moved over towards the source of heat in the room. The fire was surrounded by cold-looking men and women, who clearly had given up on caring about personal space. The chatter of teeth and low voices echoed quietly around them in the main hall.

“It stinks in here,” Mike complained, joining them, “Like wet people.”

“What happened at the back, Hanji?”

“We were ambushed by an abnormal hiding amongst the trees. I think the forest provided it with some insulation from the blizzard." They paused to think. “the Titan that was in there was pretty big, and displayed aberrant behaviour. Maybe its size helped protect it from the cold? Or maybe it was just _really_ abnormal.”

“And the explosion?”

“Ah, well Levi tried to attack it, but I think his gear froze up. So I lobbed my grenade at it and then-“

“A grenade?” Erwin looked surprised. “You have grenades?”

“We _had_ _a_ grenade,” Moblit clarified, appearing and sitting cross-legged on the ground next to Mike.

“So you’ve been making explosive weaponry?” Erwin queried.

“Well, anyone can make things explode,” Hanji gestured, bringing their hands out in imitation of an explosion. “All you need is fuel, a spark and air.”

“It’s not really the explosive bit we needed to work on,” Moblit grinned. “It’s more the trying to make it _not_ explode when we don’t want it to that’s been more of the issue.”

Erwin smiled. “So then what happened?”

“Well, it was hard to see, but I think the Titan got stuck under the tree. Levi flew down the mountainside a bit, so I rode down to find him. He hit his head somewhere along the way.”

“He was dead to the world when I dropped him with the medics,” Erwin added.

“He was awake for a while after I found him, but I let him sleep once we were in the saddle.”

“You shouldn’t let someone sleep with a head injury, Hanji!” Mike chastised, as if he had any idea what it was like to wrestle an agitated Levi who was making good on an attempt to remove clothing in a snowstorm, while also trying to manoeuvre a grumpy, cold horse and navigate with three compasses.

“I ‘let’ him sleep,“ Hanji made air quotes, “because otherwise he was going to tear all his clothes off and die from exposure! I couldn’t control the horse _and_ fight Levi to stay dressed. I chose to let him sleep because it _was_ the only choice.” Hanji looked thoughtful for a moment. “Actually, I need to speak to the medic about something.” They got to their feet.

Poking their shoulder angrily, Moblit cried “I thought you said you weren’t hurt?”

“I’m not,” they reassured, “it’s just I need to mention something to them. It might not be important, but you never know.”

“I’ll come with you.” Erwin stood. “I want to check on Levi anyway.”

They walked together towards the room set aside for the San.

“You guys are really cute, by the way.” Hanji enjoyed teasing Erwin; the man could be so uptight. He really needed to let loose more. Recently, Hanji had noticed that his expression was softer and he seemed less tense when the smaller man was around. Which now was nearly always. They’d also noticed how Levi always seemed to keep a close eye on what Erwin was up to. Even if his head didn’t turn, his eyes would track the taller man across the room, or flick over to his face when he made to speak or move.

 _They are good for each other,_ they thought to themself. Both men were extremely socially malnourished. Erwin hardly ever let his guard down to relax or have downtime. Levi had migrated from a completely different culture and had lost the people he chose as his family. Neither of them trusted others easily. Perhaps it was natural for them to find each other under the circumstances.

Their little literacy lessons had also seemed to have brought them closer together. Erwin seemed to get a lot out of teaching, and Levi’s reading and writing had improved beyond anything Hanji could have imagined possible for an adult who was just learning the skill. His writing looked as if it had been printed from a press. It lacked any of the small imperfections that allowed one to identify someone’s handwriting from another’s. It was like Levi’s brain had simply memorised exactly what letters looked like from books, and was able to translate that into the written word. Remarkable. But then, he was remarkable in so many ways.

“Who?”

“Oh don’t ‘ _who’_ me,” they ribbed. “I’m pretty observant, remember? You aren’t gonna sneak much past me.”

Pausing mid-stride, Erwin turned, still pretending to not understand “He’s a soldier under me. Of course I’m concerned for his well-being.”

“I’m sure you do like him under you.”

Blushing furiously, Erwin made an unmanly noise, somewhere between a squawk and a gasp. “Hanji, really?”

“Oh come on.” Turning, Hanji continued towards the san. Erwin soon caught up, following in silence.

“You haven’t…. you aren’t going to…….tell anyone?”

“Of course not. Anyway, I think it’s good for you, to have a really good friend. Everyone needs a best bud. It’s funny because on paper you’re both polar opposites. But sometimes you need someone in your life who isn’t like you at all.”

“He balances me out, I suppose.”

“Like Moblit balances me,” Hanji laughed. “Imagine for a moment, if instead of Moblit, I had an identical twin as a partner in crime!”

“There would be a lot more explosions,” Erwin grinned, “and much less of the HQ.”

In the San, there was only one other patient besides Levi; a small, cold looking teenager was beside the fire and wrapped up almost completely in blankets , with just her eyes and mop of blonde hair sticking out the top. The small room was warm compared to the main hall, probably because the fireplace was nearly as large despite the room being less than a quarter of the dimensions of the hall, with a much lower ceiling.

“Doctor Braun?” Hanji walked towards where a man in his late-twenties was closing a bottle. Erwin had quietly moved over towards Levi.

“Yes?” He turned. “Ah Zoe, how’s things? Tasted any weird new plants or herbs recently?”

“Ah hahaha!” They smiled and shook their head, clasping both hands behind their head. “Nope, not this mission. Too much snow settling to see much.”

“How can I help you?”

“I just wanted to tell you something. When I picked Captain Levi up, he had difficulty speaking. Like his tongue was injured? I was just worried......I read somewhere it could be a sign of a seizure?”

The doctor sighed, “I think that’s maybe what happened. A seizure can occur after a head injury. Hopefully it’s a one-off, but he’ll need close attention for the next few months. He’s going to be pretty tired for awhile.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I wish we’d brought a cart.”

“It would never have made it through the snow anyway.”

“No, I guess not.”

Peering over to the bedroll Levi was laying on, Hanji quietly observed the interaction between the two men. Erwin was kneeling down, tenderly stroking Levi’s hair away from his face and then speaking to him in a tone too quiet for Hanji to hear. Levi opened his eyes and grunted something, before his lips curled into an odd smile and he…..giggled? Weird.

They gestured over at him. “How is he?”

“He’s….uh… a bit dysphoric. It can happen sometimes after a seizure. Brain chemistry, you know. Affects our ability to inhibit our actions.”

Levi had reached out a hand and was fingering at Erwin’s shirt buttons. The taller man laughed, then gently took the hand in his and held it for a second. He looked over at where Hanji and Doctor Braun were standing, then brought down their entwined hands to rest on the bedroll. The two men were speaking too quietly to make out what was being said. The light from the fire cast a dull red glow over Erwin’s face.

“Will one of you be wanting to stay with him?” The doctor’s voice brought Hanji back to the room. “I believe Becker is going to stay with Corporal Tanja. There’s enough room. And it would give me an extra pair of eyes too.”

“I’ll tell Erwin. One of us will stay,” they reassured him, starting over to the two men. Scuffing their boots loudly on the floor as they went, Hanji moved over to where Erwin was now gazing down at an unconscious Levi, pulling his blanket over an exposed shoulder. Erwin heard the noise and looked up, moving sharply away and standing to face them.

“One of us needs to stay. Doctor’s orders,” Hanji informed him. “I would like to stay, but I really need to check the plants before turning in.” It was a lame excuse, but there really wasn’t much else to pretend to do in the empty keep.

“Ah. Well, that’s important.” They both looked at the man dozing on the ground. “I’ll, uh, go get my sleeping roll and set up camp then.”

“Great, thanks Erwin.” Well that was easy. “If you see Moblit and he is still awake, can you ask him to come assist me, please?”

“No problem. I’ll see you in the morning.”

~~~~~

When Hanji had stood up and expressed an interest in heading to the San, Erwin took the opportunity to tag along. He was eager to see if Levi had woken up yet, and check whether he was out of his wet clothes.

The medics had been busy, and had managed to get Levi undressed, washed and well wrapped up on the bed roll. Kneeling down beside him, Erwin touched Levi’s forehead lightly with his fingertips. Despite being warm and snug in the small hospital room, Levi’s skin still felt chilled. Drawing his dark bangs back from his face, Erwin tried to peer at Levi's scalp wound that had been stapled together by the medics. It was a long, ragged wound that was still oozing blood sluggishly onto the towel placed beneath his head.

The action startled Levi awake, and Erwin placed his hand heavily on where he thought Levi’s shoulder might be under the layers of blankets, trying to prevent the man from getting up and losing the benefit of the insulation of the wool.

“Where..?”

“We’re all fine. Everyone made it to the stop over.” The words reassured Levi, and he relaxed under Erwin’s warm hand.

A pause. Their eyes met.

“I think I’m naked under all these blankets, you know,” Levi almost purred at him, his grey eyes flashing playfully.

Looking over at the drying line by the fire, Erwin was completely certain that Levi was right.

“Oh?” Erwin couldn’t help the smirk that came to his lips. The smaller man reached out a hand, and gently touched one of the buttons on Erwin’s white shirt, making to undo it.

“You going to join me?”

Erwin laughed gently, enjoying this oddly flirtatious side to Levi. “I think you must have hit your head pretty hard.” Gently, he lifted Levi’s hand away. He made to kiss it, but then, remembering they were being watched, brought their hands down to lie between them instead.

“How are you feeling?”

“Horny.” Levi flashed him a devastatingly sexy smile.

“Oh really?” Heat filled his cheeks as he brushed his fingers across Levi’s knuckles, watching the younger man’s eyes gaze hungrily at him. “Maybe we should wait till we are back in a real bed. And alone.” He gestured his head towards the others in the room. Levi looked startled at not having noticed them.

“Shit, sorry Erwin.” Recognition filled Levi’s grey eyes. “I don’t know what came over me,”

“Don’t apologise. I will never tire of hearing you say you desire me.”

“Where are you sleeping?”

“Probably the main hall. Although it’s pretty empty in here.” he cast around the room. “Perhaps I can convince them I ought to stay. Maybe you need an extra eye kept on you.”

“In case I misbehave? I can be a very bad boy, you know.”

It was extraordinarily difficult to stop himself ravishing Levi when he was being this charming. Even more difficult was schooling his facial expression to one of mere concern rather than a combination of amusement and deep arousal.

“Who would know better than me?”

Levi smiled, but it turned into an enormous yawn and he placed his head back down on the ground.

“You are the _master_ of manipulation. I expect you here beside me in less than ten minutes.” And with that, Levi closed his eyes and relaxed back. The blankets had slipped when he had reached out in his attempt to undress Erwin, and his bare shoulder and arm were peeking out. The skin still felt cool, so Erwin pulled the blankets up and tucked them in around Levi’s neck.

He heard a loud scrape of boots, and stood up as Hanji noisily clattered over to them.

“One of us needs to stay. Doctor’s orders,” Hanji informed him. “I would like to stay, but I really need to check the plants before turning in.” It was a lame excuse, and Erwin was grateful for it.

“Ah. Well, that’s important.” A quiet snore issued from the sleeping man on the ground. “I’ll, uh, go get my sleeping roll and set up camp then.”

“Great, thanks Erwin.” Well that was easy. “If you see Moblit and he is still awake, can you ask him to come assist me, please?”

“No problem. I’ll see you in the morning.”

~~~~

A few minutes later he had made his arrangements for sleeping. But before allowing himself the pleasure of being horizontal, Erwin wanted to double check something.

“Shouldn’t his head be bandaged?” He called over to Doctor Braun.

“He kept pulling the dressings off,” the doctor explained while mixing together some sort of concoction in a bowl. “He was a bit agitated, and it won’t make enough of a difference to fight him over it.”

“Is it the head injury that is causing him to behave…." Erwin paused, unsure how to word his concerns, "... differently to normal?”

“I think so, sir.” The doctor paused as if uncertain whether to keep speaking. “He may have had a fit after injuring himself.”

Shit. Was that the same as epilepsy? As well-educated as he was, Erwin didn’t really have a great deal of _medical_ knowledge. Epilepsy would mean no more expeditions for Levi; it would be far too dangerous for a soldier to operate ODM and be swinging around at high altitude if they were going to seize and lose consciousness at any moment.

The doctor continued, “Sometimes having a fit can make a person disinhibited. Don’t take anything he said or did too seriously.” Braun must have noticed something between them. The good man was giving him an out.

“How do you know he had a fit? He didn’t remember himself, did he?”

The doctor looked at him sympathetically. “No, he doesn’t remember much. There’s just a few little clues that make me wonder. He bit his tongue badly, for example. And I think he lost control of his bladder. It wouldn’t be entirely typical for that to happen if someone just lost consciousness for a few minutes. But it might be typical after a seizure.”

Erwin’s mind whirred with worry. ”So, will he have more?”

The doctor shrugged his shoulders slightly. “It’s hard to tell. Hopefully not. He hasn’t vomited at all, which is a good sign. But sometimes if there is a permanent underlying injury, then yes, he might have more.” He looked plainly at Erwin. “I would recommend grounding him for at least two months. If he has no more in that time, then it was probably just a one off, and he may resume normal duties.”

As Erwin slipped onto his own bed roll after speaking to the doctor, he found himself watching Levi sleep. Seeing Levi asleep wasn’t a common occurrence, and it was nice to see him relaxed, even if it was due to having a trying day. Tomorrow would be a difficult day too. Wordlessly, Erwin found himself praying to a god he didn’t believe in. He needed Levi. Needed him as a soldier. And as a friend. And…..

He felt a warm tightness behind his sternum. He thought of the conversation with Hanji earlier. This man was so different to him. In almost every way imaginable. Neither of them were perfect. But together, with Levi, he had a sense of….what exactly? Was there a word? Enough-ness? When they were together, Erwin didn’t need to be successful. Or hard. Or cold. Just himself. He felt whole when he was with this man, whether they were just sitting together in his office, or riding out to battle together, or drinking tea together.

He had a tendency of not making a lot of deep friendships. People in his life didn’t necessarily last too long. There were too many missions that could go wrong, too many training accidents. Also, there was always an initial frustration he felt with getting to know a new person; one would have to spend weeks in their psychological entryway, and each day and with each conversation inch closer to the centre of their world. With some people, it took too long and he just wasn’t interested enough in them.

Usually in relationships with others, there came a point where they would inevitably realise that Erwin constantly wore a disguise to protect himself from the terrible decisions he had to make. Their disappointment was evident when they learned that the man they thought they knew had never truly existed; instead of the confident and authoritative leader that they imagined themselves liking, they actually found a man who was riddled with guilt and felt himself undeserving of love. He wasn't sure how or when exactly it had started to happen, but Levi caused Erwin’s mask to crack more often than was comfortable. And yet when the younger man did catch glimpses of the real Erwin under it, he drew still closer, seeming to like what he found.

Levi didn't feel the need to veil his own true personality or feelings, instead wearing them as a badge of honour and saying exactly what was on his mind. The younger man was an excellent judge of character, and had seen the manipulative bastard in Erwin in all his terrible glory, and had still decided to remain faithfully by his side. In return, perhaps with this one man, Erwin could let his own guard down and be himself truly. 

Face softening at the thought of having a real friend in someone he himself so greatly admired, Erwin allowed his eyes to close, the image of Levi's face remaining behind his eyelids as he drifted off. 

~~~~

Levi awoke a few hours later, muscles aching, and bursting for a piss. Everyone else in the room was sound asleep. Feeling less groggy than earlier, Levi made to stand up. Mouth slightly open, Erwin lay asleep on his back. He was out for the count. Gathering his now-dry clothes, Levi clumsily put them back on before looking for somewhere to relieve himself.

Levi knew from the last few missions with stop-overs that most of the Corps just relieved themselves in deserted corridors within the building, in order to avoid going outside. This practice disgusted the pathologically hygienic man, so he steeled himself for the effort of searching for the entrance. As he was unconscious when he was brought in, he didn’t know the way, so he aimed in the direction of the halls that seemed chilliest. He passed the great hall, filled with a mixture of sleeping soldiers, and some who were wakeful and talked quietly or played cards together, unable to relax enough to slumber. It was still pitch-black outside. The only light came from the now visible moon; it glinted off the snow and through the windows. The blizzard had died down at least.

By the time he found the entrance, he was starting to feel short of breath and dizzy; nausea was building in the back of his throat. He quickly relieved himself and moved back inside. Before he got more than a few metres, he spun himself back around, stumbled to his knees and retched out the door into the snow.

 _‘I should have brought my toothbrush out here too,’_ he grumbled internally. He scooped a mouthful of clean snow into his mouth (checking first it wasn’t stained yellow) to try and wash out the bitter taste of water brash, before staggering back to the San. His feet were freezing.

Erwin was standing at the door when he got back.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” he asked, annoyed. “I’d have accompanied you.”

“Didn’t need you to hold my hand while I was taking a piss, Smith.” Levi wiped a hand across his forehead, where a thin layer of sweat had built up from the effort of vomiting, and from resisting the urge to do so again. His head throbbed in time with his heart rate. He felt irritable and just wanted to lie down again, rather than get into an argument.

“Captain,” the doctor was heading towards him now. Levi felt crowded and began to panic. He brought a hand to his mouth, and put the other arm out to stay the two men, trying with all his will to stop his treacherous, roiling stomach misbehaving again.

He failed.

Instead, he clamped his hand harder over his mouth and tried to make it out of the room to puke. He made it a few yards out of the room and leaned out a small window, emptying his stomach of the snow he had just eaten. A hand was rubbing his back comfortingly. Spitting out one last glob of saliva, he turned and walked unsteadily back to his bed roll.

“You look very pale, take some water,” offered Erwin. Levi pushed it away.

“Let me sleep.” Even with his eyes closed, he could feel the room spinning, could feel the two men watching him. It was not going to be a fun journey home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been really lucky to get to read some really fantastic fics recently. Hopefully my writing and ability to delve into the psychology of all these characters will improve with time and with learning from other amazing authors. But right now, I'm just writing to entertain myself!
> 
> Also just discovered tumblr......how did I not know this existed?????


	9. Erst denken, dann handeln

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he stood up and turned back to the bed, Levi was contentedly lying under the covers watching Erwin, one hand pillowing his head.
> 
> The other was making lazy motions under the cover, down by his groin.
> 
> Humming in approval, Erwin approached the bed, keeping eye contact as he lay down beside Levi.
> 
> “Do you want to-?” Erwin asked, not really sure exactly what to offer. 
> 
> “Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant

“Where’s my left boot?” Levi looked around the San for the offending item. It was still dark outside, but the sun would be rising soon, and they had to get away promptly if they had any chance of making it back to the Walls while they still had some daylight to play with.

“You didn’t arrive at the keep with one.”

“Of course I must have,” Levi insisted to the doctor, “and I wore it last night to go take a piss.”

“No you didn’t,” Erwin’s voice sounded behind him. “You went in just your pants.”

“Huh?” Really? Surely not. But when he tried to think back to what he really did put on for the trek to find the keep entrance, the memory seemed foggy and just out of reach.

“You weren’t wearing one when I found you wandering in the snow either.” Hanji rounded the corner, “And there aren’t going to be any spares for once,”

“For fuck’s sake!” Levi swore, putting his face into his hands, “how am I supposed to ride back with an unbooted foot? It’ll freeze and drop off.”

“You’ll have to ride in one of the sleeping rolls,” Doctor Braun interjected, “and I want you to ride double. Even if you still had your own horse, I couldn’t recommend you riding alone anyway.”

“Why the fuck not?” He could feel the anger creeping over him. Why were they treating him like an invalid? “I’m fine,” Levi snapped. What weren’t they telling him?

“He can ride pillion with me. Chisholm can take his weight with mine,” Erwin was ignoring his protests and it irked Levi, “and he’s a trustworthy mount. But I want to ride somewhere in the middle of the formation. And I won’t be carrying any other excess weight.”

“Fine, go and inform Commander Shadis and your squad.”

While the two men continued to talk about him over the top of his head, Hanji came over with his now dried cloak and put it around his shoulders.

“What, do I need someone to fucking dress me too?”

“Don’t fuss Levi.” They pinned it in place securely. “We just want to get everyone back in one piece now. We will be back by this evening. Think of that.”

“What about my gear?”

“Well, it’s not going to fit into the sleeping roll. You’re going to have to leave it off. It’s not like it was working anyway.”

Levi looked at them suspiciously. “You don’t have any more grenades, do you?”

“No.” Hanji’s face fell, pouting like a child who had lost their beloved toy. “That was my only one.”

~~~~~

At least, he supposed, when he was positioned later behind Erwin on his horse, he could enjoy the warmth radiating from the bigger man on the ride home. He was like a fucking furnace. And he smelled nice. Burying his cheek into Erwin’s broad back, Levi allowed himself to doze to the rhythm of the horse’s motion, still feeling exhaustion all the way down to his bones.

The formation was well on their back towards the walls, but the horses’ gait was slowed by the thick snow still falling around them. At least the wind had stopped. Their pace was slow but steady, and visibility was much improved from the day before.

He could feel Erwin’s weight shifting to communicate with his horse. He was a much more experienced horseman than Levi. In cadet training, horsemanship was taught weekly by the equine veterinarians. Levi and his friends had only a very brief overview of how to ride a horse during their abbreviated training regime, and it had been mostly about the equipment rather than the horses themselves. His thoughts wandered to where his own horse was. He had grown attached to the mare, who also always seemed pleased to see him, and tried her best with a rider who clearly didn’t know much about horses. He hoped she was alive. Or that, at least, she had died quickly if she wasn’t.

Unnoticed by Erwin, Levi spotted a shift in a drift of snow to his left. It was such a slight shift that it could well be nothing, but Levi felt something instinctual tug in his brain. Some deep, primitive part of him screamed _‘TITAN.’_

 _“_ Erwin _!”_ Reading the situation rapidly, Erwin had shot off from his horse the second his name left Levi’s lips. Levi hadn’t had much opportunity yet to watch Erwin versus a titan. He was good. Not as good as himself, and there were several pointers that he was going to make a mental note of to tell blondie later. But still………he was good. Titans didn’t send the tall man half mad with fear like they did with some, nor did he seem plussed by getting covered in their spit and blood.

Once Erwin was back on his horse and they were once again moving on, Levi felt his cheeks burn with the realisation that he had a semi going on at seeing the bigger man fight. An erection would do no good if he had to try and engage in anything out here. Not that he was planning on it, particularly without gear. But he did still carry a stiletto knife. Just in case.

‘ _Once an Undergrounder….._ ’ his mind whispered at him.

They were within sight of the Walls now, and there was a palpable shift in mood. Even the horses seemed to want to move faster. But the more the soldiers grew desperate to return, the less their appreciation of their surroundings seemed to be. With his uncanny situational awareness, Levi felt himself growing more anxious at the way the others were becoming too fixated on getting to the gates. He could almost feel them ignoring the terrain around them. Even Erwin’s steely concentration seemed to be slipping somewhat.

Then it happened again.

An almost _anticipatory_ itch started somewhere in the recesses of Levi’s mind. Something terribly bad was about to happen. From seemingly nowhere, as if they had just erupted up out of the ground, two 3 metre class Titans emerged from under the snow and began chasing the increasingly exhausted formation. 

They were slow and clumsy, possibly from the cold weather. It caused Erwin to make the mistake of underestimating them. The taller man had decided to try and outrun them; spurring the horse on. But the two titans persevered and the weight of both men slowed Chisholm down. They would both be eaten at this rate.

Suddenly, the horse stumbled on some unseen obstacle below the snow, and both Erwin and Levi tumbled off.

Tearing himself from the sleeping roll, Levi made a snap decision. At least one of them would be getting back, and it might as well be the one with two fucking boots. Levi ran at the faster of the two titans, blade brandished, unsure whether he was going to survive this brash course of action. Using the snow to his advantage, he did a running slide between the legs and grasping arms of the ugly creature, before executing a reverse roll so that he was now facing the titan’s back. With a roar, he ran and jumped. His booted foot connected with the small of the titan’s back and Levi launched himself up, drawing the thin blade across the nape of the titan’s rather skinny neck.

Dead.

As the first titan evaporated into nothingness, the other was still advancing, mouth hanging agape and hands grasping out. This one seemed even stupider and slower than the first. Deciding that lightning could indeed strike twice, Levi decided on the same course of action. Remarkably, it worked.

When he turned to see where Erwin was, the blonde was standing and holding the horse’s reins. Initially, his Squad Leader appeared wonderstruck. Then his expression morphed. That kissable mouth settled into a knowing smirk. His blue eyes gleamed with undisguised want and lust. It was the same look Levi had seen on Erwin during their first encounter on their underground chase.

“Levi-“

“Whatever,” Levi said, brushing off whatever Erwin had planned to say, “Is the horse good?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You alright?” The blonde didn’t seem injured.

“Just a few bruises.”

“Let’s go then.”

~~~

_“He took down two with no gear, no blades and only one boot!”_

_“He doesn’t even need fucking shoes or weapons!”_

_“He could probably kill them in his sleep with his eyes shut!”_

The details of the man who could take down Titans almost barehanded had spread like wildfire through the city by nightfall.

Mike had returned from the tavern outside the barracks, and reported that the stories were becoming weirder and wilder every time he heard them.

“They have hope, Erwin,” The bigger man had told him. “Real hope. They believe in him. They believe he could be capable of anything.”

 _I believe it too_ , Erwin thought.

~~~

“Knock knock!” Hanji’s loud voice boomed as they opened the door to Erwin's office, without waiting for actual permission to enter. “Special delivery for Squad Leader Smith!”

“Knock it off, four-eyes.” Levi’s eyes were heavy, and he squinted as though his head still ached. Both feet were now booted.

“He needs to be supervised for a bit. Either with us or in medical. Doctor's orders. ” They put an arm around Levi. “I said we could take it in turns!”

Levi shrugged off the hold, looking awkwardly over to Erwin “So they think I had a fit…..” he seemed almost embarrassed at the possibility.

“It’s possible,” Erwin acceded. The smaller man would hate the loss of independence. “I guess we ought to be on the safe side after your head injury.”

“So no bathing alone, no swimming,” Hanji began to tick off instructions from the doctor on their fingers, “no cooking, no boiling water, no alcohol, no riding, no use of ODM-“

“Alright, I get it,” came the defeated reply. “Can I please have a shower now?” Levi looked imploringly at Erwin.

Moving his chair back from the desk, Erwin stood and made his way over to Levi. He put a hand on Levi’s shoulder. “It’s fine Hanji, I’ll take watch.” He could practically feel Levi’s eyes roll at his words. Once Hanji had left, Erwin sat on the bed and started to take off his boots. He had taken off his gear much earlier, but had saved undressing and washing until his reports were finished. He decided to casually ask, “May I join you?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure.”

Anticipation and excitement bubbled in Erwin’s chest. They had yet to see each other completely naked.

Erwin smirked, standing up from the bed and facing Levi to undress. Part of him had hoped the younger man would step forward and offer to do it for him. “You were certainly eager last night to get this shirt off me.”

Levi swatted playfully at him, “Yeah well, we now know that I wasn’t in my right mind.”

“So, shall I keep my clothes on then?”

A delicate eyebrow arched at his words. “No, of course not. Go on then.” Levi hoisted himself up so he was sitting on top of Erwin's desk to fully appreciate the show. “Take them off. Let me see you.”

Deciding to save striptease for a night that his clothes weren’t damp and chilly, Erwin made quick work of removing his field uniform. Stepping out of his boxers, he finally stood naked in front of Levi, whose unblinking eyes were as round as saucers.

“Do you like what you see?”

A vague affirmative phonation was all Levi managed to get out. Words seemed to have failed him. Erwin bit his lip to stop himself laughing as he saw that Levi was trying desperately not to just stare at his crotch. Feeling pretty sure that Levi had short-circuited slightly and was unlikely to make a move, Erwin closed the distance between them, but refrained from touching the other yet.

Levi swallowed heavily, looking up at Erwin’s face. Tentatively, a small hand reached out and traced Erwin’s right cheek, down his neck and along his collarbone out to his shoulder. Erwin watched as Levi’s grey eyes followed the path his own hand took. Then that hand gripped the meat of Erwin’s shoulder, thumb rubbing the skin lightly. Levi’s other hand came out to ghost down the larger man’s sternum; then it moved back up to trace around a strong pectoral.

Almost imperceptibly, Erwin moved closer. Levi shifted his legs to accommodate Erwin’s hips, which were now almost flush to the table. Unexpectedly, Levi leaned forward and kissed the skin over where Erwin’s heart beat hard against his chest wall. His lips lingered, and he peered up at Erwin to see his reaction.

Feeling more assured that the smaller man was happy with the state of things, Erwin put his own hands on Levi’s waist.

“Is this okay?”

“Yes.” Levi wasn’t a wordsmith. All his communication was in his eyes, which were filled with longing and excitement. It felt good to have _that_ look directed at him, by the man he had wanted for so many months now.

Erwin cautiously allowed his hands to move up, to push Levi’s jacket off his shoulders and start undoing the buttons on the shirt. He moved slowly, giving Levi the chance to push him away if he wanted.

He didn’t.

Levi began toeing off his boots, then hooked his socks off with his toes as well; the whole time his hands remained firmly on Erwin.

“Lift your hips,” Erwin instructed, as he unfastened Levi’s belt and then his pants buttons. Levi moved his hands to the desk to give him leverage to help Erwin, who stepped back as he peeled the clothing off Levi’s lower half.

Erwin let out a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding when he finally had the last vestiges of clothing off Levi. The man was pure muscle and soft skin. Levi was an athlete, but not bulky or lanky. Everything was in proportion. Erwin was pleased to see that Levi was aroused, and even more pleased that there was plenty of cock for Erwin to play with. Levi wasn’t as large as him; but his smaller frame gave him the illusion of being better endowed. His dick was uncut, like his own. Levi’s form was pleasing and Erwin couldn’t wait to get his hands on him.

But, he did want to do this right. If Levi were ever to move on to another man, Erwin wanted to be the yardstick to be judged by, and he was not in the habit of disappointing.

They were now apart, no longer touching. Erwin decided to close the physical distance by offering out a hand. In the meantime, Levi had been getting his own fill of Erwin’s nakedness. He couldn’t quite believe the size of Erwin’s neck and shoulders. He had the absurd urge to rub his face against that gorgeous chest and lick thick stripes up and down it with his tongue. On seeing the proffered hand, Levi eagerly took it and nimbly hopped down from the desk.

Erwin led him into the bathroom and started up the shower.

“Let me know if it’s too hot.”

“I love it hot.”

“That’s good to know,” Erwin winked cheekily. Levi gave him a roguish smirk and jabbed him with a sharp elbow. They deserved this, these moments of flirtation and happiness. The contrast to their day job seemed to intensify the potency and vigour Erwin felt in these moments together.

Once in the shower, it felt perfectly acceptable to allow his hands to roam across Levi’s form, partly in the pretence that he was helping him get clean. In turn, Levi soaped up his own hands to lather attention across Erwin’s arms and stomach. Neither dared to go any lower yet. Erwin let Levi do his own hair, mindful of the staples in his scalp. Blood and mud washed away quickly.

By the time they stepped out, Erwin felt like his cares had washed away too. The steam and the sweet smell of the soap felt purifying in his lungs. Levi’s skin was flushed pink with the heat of the spray; Erwin imagined it was how he might look just before orgasm.

“Bed or chair?”

Levi looked between the two uncertainly. “The bed, I think. I’m sure I’m tired enough for it.”

Allowing Levi time to settle himself into the bed, Erwin busied himself adding kindling to the fire. Hopefully it would radiate heat until morning. When he stood up and turned back to the bed, Levi was contentedly lying under the covers watching Erwin, one hand pillowing his head.

The other was making lazy motions under the cover, down by his groin.

Humming in approval, Erwin approached the bed, keeping eye contact as he lay down beside Levi.

“Do you want to-?” Erwin asked, not really sure exactly _what_ to offer.

“Yes.” Levi’s breathing was slightly shallower and faster than normal; the slight man looked aroused but mildly apprehensive.

Sensing that he needed to take control of proceedings, the blonde made a suggestion to try and ease Levi in. “Let me watch you touch yourself.”

Levi kicked the cover down, and Erwin got his first glimpse of the enticingly pink, flushed head of Levi’s cock. His dark-haired lover alternated between watching Erwin’s face, occasionally glancing down at his own hand and letting his eyes half-close as he brought himself closer to completion.

“May I?” Erwin reached out slowly.

As quick as a flash, Levi removed his own hand, allowing Erwin’s to take its place.

Levi was hot and heavy in his hand. Erwin swiped his thumb across the tip as a small load of precum blurted out, using it to lubricate his ministrations. He pinched the foreskin slightly, pulling it up and over the glistening head.

It had been many years since he'd had a virgin in his bed. It wasn’t something he particularly sought in a partner, but it always fed his superiority complex and gave him the sense of control over the situation that Erwin liked to have. He was gratified in being the first to evoke such pleasurable experiences in this man, who was cold and distant to most. And of course, he was looking forward to teaching Levi how to please him in return.

Leaning in, Erwin littered Levi’s neck and jaw with kisses, while trying to emulate the way Levi enjoyed touching himself. Levi gasped and gripped Erwin’s shoulders, digging in with his nails. He shuddered and thrust his hips into Erwin’s hand.

“Shhhh,” Erwin coaxed Levi to relax and enjoy his ministrations. Levi looked as though he was fighting between pulling Erwin closer and trying to stop himself from pushing Erwin off. His eyes were screwed tightly, and his teeth ground together as though he were in pain. Erwin wasn’t sure he’d ever been so fascinated by another man’s body, or responses to his touch. He wasn’t even sure if he had felt this way about a woman, either.

“Ahhhh!” Levi panted, taking great gulping breaths. “Erwin, I’m going to………….Ahhh, I can’t hold it back!”

“Then let it go, it’s fine,” crooned Erwin, pleased with himself. “I’ll clean up the mess after.” Part of him knew that was one of the things holding Levi back from letting go completely.

“Oh Erwin...ahahHh….faster!”

Erwin obliged, using his fingers to pull Levi’s foreskin up and over the head of his cock, then pumped back down again in smooth, repetitive motions. 

Confident that Levi was comfortable with their close proximity, Erwin settled between Levi’s thighs, looking down at him. Continuing to pump Levi's cock with his dominant hand, Erwin rested his other hand briefly on Levi’s knee; then he dragged his fingertips lightly along the inside of Levi’s thigh, up to the crease at his buttock. Suggestively, Erwin stroked the skin there, never quite touching as far as Levi's entrance, but he ghosted touches in imitation of where Erwin would like to explore, if Levi would let him.

Seconds after Erwin started his gentle stroking near Levi’s perineum, the smaller man’s face seized in ecstasy. His hips jerked and Levi came hard over his own stomach.

Erwin's spare hand moved quickly from Levi's ass up to thread his fingers through the dark hair. He pulled Levi's head back gently in order to gain access to that lovely neck with his lips and teeth. Levi arched beautifully, mouth set in a perfect ‘O’ and kept coming silently, hips jerking and buttocks clenching hard. Erwin kept up the rhythm on Levi’s cock with his hand until he felt Levi twitch with over-stimulation.

Coming down from his high, eyes still half-open, Levi gazed up at Erwin. “ _That_ was amazing,”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” Continuing to loom over Levi, Erwin scooped some of the cum off Levi’s stomach and used it as a lubricant as he began to play with himself above his lover's body. His cock was as hard as a rock. Had it ever been so hard? Levi’s face was a mixture of disgust and desire as he watched Erwin’s 'misuse' of the mess he had made on himself. It almost made Erwin laugh, but he stopped himself, feeling Levi might misunderstand his mirth.

Levi had moved himself up onto his elbows and was looking up, watching Erwin intently.

“Let me do it,” his dark-lover growled, moving Erwin’s hand away and replacing it with his own much smaller one. Hesitantly, he moved his hand up and down Erwin’s length. “It’s fucking huge.”

“Thank you,” Erwin closed his eyes, controlling his breathing through his nose and tilting his head back for a few seconds, enjoying the feel of another’s hand on him. Male lovers always were better at hand jobs, in his experience. His eyes opened and his gaze returned to his bedmate as he sensed Levi slip further between his thighs down the bed and a hot tongue licked timidly at his frenulum. “Fuck, Levi!” He had not been expecting _this_. “You don’t have to….” Why was he trying to talk him out of it?

“Isn’t this how men please other men?” Levi stopped, looking up at him from his position on his back between Erwin's legs. In that moment his face was the picture of youth and innocence.

“Yes, but I don’t expect- _gurk_!“ A cry left Erwin’s lips as Levi’s wrapped around the head of his hard member and sucked hard. Levi’s hand continued pumping his shaft as he pursed his lips and suckled and licked around the mushroom-shaped head. Erwin felt a load of precum slip into Levi’s mouth. To his credit, it didn’t seem to deter the less-experienced man. Levi’s eyes were almost crossed as he tried to look at what his mouth and hand were doing.

Erwin had noticed that his brain seemed to like it when he looked at Levi. It would reward him when he watched the other working on his letters, or observed Levi sparring. It particularly enjoyed seeing Levi in ODM gear, flying through the air and wielding his swords in that odd manner he had. And metaphorical fireworks would go off as he watched Levi's face when they were kissing and caressing each other. 

But it was nothing compared to how much he relished _this_ sight. Levi had never looked better than he did now, with Erwin’s cock stretching his mouth wide.

 _I’m not going to last one fucking minute_ , Erwin thought desperately.

He could normally last as long as he wanted. The last few times he had slept with someone, he hadn’t even come. It had all merely been a transaction for Corps funding. He was shocked at the strength of his own arousal with this man. Deciding to commit this night to memory, he focused his blue eyes on Levi’s face, watching as his cock was licked and sucked with fervour.

Suddenly, Levi looked up and their eyes locked. From nowhere, Erwin's orgasm was wrenched from him, and he gasped as he watched himself pulse and spill down Levi’s throat. He almost felt bad that he hadn’t been able to give Levi a warning. But, on seeing and hearing Levi swallow everything he had to give, a dangerous and powerful possessive lust bubbled up deep within him.

Fuck the idea of himself as Levi's yardstick. Erwin wasn't prepared to share.

Once Levi was satisfied that he was finished, he removed his mouth from the softening member and gave Erwin a couple more strokes with his hand. Levi wiped his mouth with his other hand and licked his lips, swallowing hard one last time.

“Fuck, Levi. That was……..wow………" Erwin wiped a hand across his own sweaty brow. "Have you really never done that before?”

Levi shook his head.

“And no one has ever done that to you?”

“No, but I’ve imagined it.”

“I seriously owe you one.”

“Yeah, you do,” came the smug reply. Levi looked incredibly pleased with himself.

“Do you want a wet towel?”

“Yes please.”

Quickly getting said towel, Erwin cleaned up the rapidly drying come on Levi’s stomach, before flinging the rag into a corner and settling back down to cuddle with his new lover. He moved down so their bodies were flush, skin touching skin. Erwin knew that time spent skin-to-skin in the afterglow would cement Levi’s bond to him further, and wanted to take full advantage. It was wonderful to feel their naked skin touching, and Erwin tried to hold the other man in such a way as to gain maximum contact. 

Levi looked pleasantly buzzed; his features were relaxed and a satisfied smile was evident on his lips.

Erwin tried to stay awake, to savour this first moment of intimacy between them. But the last two days had taken their toll, and as the warm body pressed up against him invited his own to relax, he felt himself give in to the most contented sleep he could remember in a long, long time.

Erst denken, dann handeln

Part 2: Levi

Levi was fed up. He had been patient. He had been well-behaved. He had let the doctor poke and prod him while he sat there with his head and body aching in his muddy, bloodied, wet, and urine-stained clothes until he was sure he could take it no longer.

Finally – finally- he was given leave to go.

“Alright, so the choice is yours, shorty,” Hanji piped up, annoyingly chipper. At least they’d brought him a new boot to wear. “You can stay here for observation or stay with myself, Erwin or Mike.”

Like it was any choice at all. He made a face as he pulled the boot onto his cold left foot and grunted, “Erwin.”

They grinned. “Thought so!”

They strode side by side to Erwin’s quarters, Hanji yapping away about new weapons they had in development. It was late, and Levi was sure Erwin was probably already washed and getting ready for bed. Levi still had his reports to do, though quite how useful they would be, he wasn’t sure. Every time he attempted to recall what had transpired in the last 24 hours, he could only conjure up fuzzy sounds, images, and general feelings of what had happened. There was nothing concrete to put on paper.

He was not looking forward to Erwin finding out that he’d had a fit; it would mean being grounded for two months, and a plethora of other restrictions had also been placed on him. Levi was supposed to be Humanity’s Greatest Hope, and Erwin had plans that might be ruined if Levi were unable to return to active duty.

It was taking an absurd amount of concentration to coordinate his limbs in order to just walk in a straight line down the hall. Manoeuvring his body was like trying to plod through water while wearing heavy armour. Yet, despite the fog permeating his mind and his lack of ability to concentrate on one train of thought for any length of time, once Hanji had opened the door to Erwin’s office and the man himself came into view, Levi’s mind trained itself entirely on Erwin. It was like the rest of the world melted away.

A wave of horniness washed over him; he tugged on his cravat, feeling distinctly hot under the collar. His whole being ached for Erwin, to touch and be touched by him. In his desire, Levi nearly forgot Hanji was there, and for a second was almost compelled to strut over to Erwin and start ripping his shirt off. But when Hanji began talking to Erwin, Levi caught himself and shook his head to try and dispel the thoughts.

_Shit. What’s wrong with me?_

He wasn’t a hormonal teenager anymore. He was growing increasingly concerned about the lack of autonomy he’d had over his mind and body for the last day, and Levi had serious doubts as to whether he could trust himself in this current state to make any sensible decisions once he found himself lying in bed later next to the gorgeous blonde officer. Perhaps he should have stayed in medical.

Said officer was now looking at him. Feeling humiliated at his body’s betrayal on the battlefield, Levi said quietly, “So, they think I had a fit.”

“It’s possible,” Erwin seemed to already know somehow. “I guess we ought to be on the safe side after your head injury.”

Hanji began to list off all the things forbidden to Levi for the next two months. On hearing that he couldn’t boil water, Levi cursed the bespectacled soldier for throwing their damn grenade in his vicinity. So he couldn’t make tea? Or boil water for cleaning? For fuck’s sake.

“Alright, I get it.” Levi just wanted them to leave. He palmed at his eyes, which throbbed in his skull. “Can I please have a shower now?” It felt like his genitals were actually cemented to his pants by dried blood, dirt, and piss. And he was sure he stank to high heaven.

Mercifully, Erwin dismissed Hanji and Levi was about to take first dibs on the bathroom when Erwin made what was possibly the most wonderful suggestion Levi had ever heard.

Erwin asked calmly, “May I join you?”

 _Yes! Yes! Yes!_ Levi’s mind screamed.

But somewhere along the way, the words got lost between his brain and mouth, and ended up being translated as the much less enthusiastic, “Um, yeah. Sure.”

Despite his blunted response, Erwin looked pleased and began unbuttoning his shirt.

“You were certainly eager last night to get this shirt off me,” the smug bastard said.

Levi batted at his arm. “Yeah, well, we now know that I wasn’t in my right mind.” It was a mortifying memory. He had tried to undress Erwin in the middle of medical. In front of three other people.

“So, shall I keep my clothes on, then?”

Nuh-uh. No way. He needed to see Blondie naked. Now.

Levi hopped up to sit on the desk to better admire the spectacle. “No, of course not. Go on then,” he heard himself say, incredulous at his own forwardness, “take them off. Let me see you.”

Erwin obliged and the muscles responsible for holding Levi’s jaw shut failed entirely.

Knowing that the mouth-watering erection on display was for him was short-circuiting what little brain power Levi had left. His mouth opened and closed like a guppy as Erwin approached him cautiously. Levi then tried to speak but forgot how to make any vowel sounds and instead made horrifically unsexy babbling noises.

 _Stop looking like you’ve never seen another man naked before. Try and look sexy and in control of yourself, for fuck’s sake_ , he scolded himself. _And stop staring at his junk._

As the man walked over to him, looking like Levi's wettest dream personified, Levi parted his legs slightly to permit Erwin to stand between them. With supreme effort, Levi tore his helplessly fascinated eyes away from Erwin’s cock and up to the chiselled chest and torso. And suddenly, his nerves vanished, so desirous was he to touch the hardness of this man’s beautiful body for himself.

The skin was warm under Levi’s fingertips, and there was an attractive smattering of light blonde hair across his chest. Despite knowing that they’d returned from a hard, dirty ride, Levi wanted to lick and taste the natural musk of this man. Levi looked at the left side of Erwin’s chest, where the heart he had pledged to humanity lay. Levi would always come second. Yet, he found that it didn’t matter. In Levi’s own heart, he knew that no matter what, he would follow Erwin anyway.

Levi leaned forward and pressed his lips to the skin just above Erwin’s left nipple. The coarse blonde chest hair tickled Levi's nose and chin. He could taste a tang of sweat, and Erwin’s excitement was palpable against his lips; his heart beating as fast as Levi’s own. It was reassuring to know that even the more experienced man was affected by their having merely undressed in front of each other.

When he looked up, Erwin was watching him with a kind of boyish curiosity. He certainly looked pleased, and his pupils were wide as he observed all of Levi’s reactions to seeing him nude.

Erwin pushed the jacket off Levi’s shoulders and together, they disrobed him. Erwin took as step back as he pulled Levi’s pants from his legs. The few yards now between them felt too far, but it allowed them to each drink the other fully in. Upon seeing Erwin’s satisfied expression, Levi’s mouth went completely dry; he tried to work some saliva into it, but his tongue ached and it looked like he was chewing, which couldn’t be an alluring look at all.

 _Stop it_ _,_ he admonished himself. _Look seductive, not stupefied._

Erwin appeared thrilled with what he saw. Normally slightly self-conscious about how he looked when he was washing in the communal showers, Levi was surprised that he took no action to shield himself from Erwin’s lust-filled gaze.

Content to be led by the hand, he willingly followed Erwin’s lead, hopping into the shower behind him. As they moved, Levi felt as if he were in a trance-like state. Maybe this really was all a dream. Perhaps this was all a dreamscape of his own making, and this Erwin that he’d conjured up wasn’t real either.

But once the water hit his skin, Levi was more assured that this must be real. There wasn’t a lot of room in the cubicle, necessitating the men to press against each other, wet skin gliding deliciously together.

In the communal showers, Levi had felt his treacherous eyes stray to the bodies of some of the other men, and had ended up having to go alone after hours when the water was freezing cold, lest someone notice his straying gaze and call him out on it. Letting his eyes linger on other naked men was bound to invite trouble. But now, his mesmerised eyes and hands could wander freely over what had to be surely the most perfect man in existence. Erwin was unnaturally handsome, and when he gave that smile that Levi was sure was only for him, his knees would tremble under him and threaten to give way. He had never touched another naked man before and took full advantage of the opportunity, pretending that he was just trying to help the other man wash. His hands trailed along the contours of Erwin’s flanks, then in towards his abs, then up until both hands were splayed against Erwin’s pecs; Levi had to remind himself to breathe.

In turn, Erwin’s large, calloused hands soaped him up, the suds and warm water bringing a new sense to the experience of Erwin caressing him. More slippery and less controlled, his hands slid up and down Levi’s back and chest leaving a tingly sensation in their wake.

God, it felt good.

Rather disappointingly, Erwin chose this night to act the gentleman and didn’t venture below Levi’s waistline. There was a lot of dried blood from his scalp laceration that had matted his hair together. It felt good to rinse it out and based on the colour of the water disappearing down the drain, there had been rather a lot of bleeding. The line of staples were tender, and Levi took his time washing the area carefully, not wanting to tug one out and risk the wound reopening.

All too soon, they were completely clean. Feeling refreshed and invigorated, Levi dried off and jumped into bed, hoping Erwin wouldn’t take too long to join him.

Watching Erwin’s ass as he bent over to retrieve something, Levi’s hand crept down under the cover and between his legs. Despite his body’s bone-deep tiredness, Levi wondered whether tonight might naturally progress to more than just touching and kissing. Nervousness had kept his cock flaccid, but he was feeling bolder after their shower together and wanted to see if he could manage to get it up now that he was relaxed in bed.

Was the man putting on pyjamas? Levi prayed that Erwin would forgo them tonight. Hadn’t he noticed that Levi had? And after all these weeks of trying to coax them off Levi every time they lay with each other in bed, was he really going to choose tonight to cover himself up?

As the blonde moved around the room, Levi’s eyes fixed and followed him. His cock had finally tuned in to tonight’s programme and Levi played with himself surreptitiously, hoping that his having an erection in bed wouldn’t make Erwin feel uncomfortable.

But apparently, it had the opposite effect. As Erwin approached the bed, his eyes lit up and focused on the unsubtle movement of Levi’s own hand beneath the cover. Blondie’s mouth was practically watering after Levi had kicked the blanket away and allowed the man to see what he was doing. Levi had never thought his own gear was anything particularly special. Erwin, on the other hand, seemed entranced, unable to tear his gaze away.

It was difficult to fully enjoy his hand _and_ perform in front of someone. In fact, it was impossible. Levi couldn’t believe his luck when Erwin offered to jerk him off. The feeling of a much bigger hand around him was overwhelming. The man was very experienced and wasn’t shy about tugging Levi’s foreskin up and over his glans in just the way he liked it. His hips pumped upwards into Erwin’s touch, and Levi felt himself throb out some pre-cum.

 _Do other men’s dicks do that?_ He thought, anxiously.

Erwin didn’t seem surprised and instead smeared it with his thumb to lubricate his actions. He leaned in to smother Levi’s chest, neck, and face with soft and sensual kisses. Then he threw a leg over Levi’s hips and straddled him, and Levi had a wonderful view of the man’s rock-hard body looming above him. The firelight danced on his skin, making him appear other-worldly.

Continuing to jerk him off with one hand, Erwin’s other hand went on an adventure up the inside of Levi’s thigh. A thrill of apprehensive anticipation shot through Levi.

He’d overheard Farlan talking to Izzy once about love play; about there being a point of no return. He hadn’t really understood what Farlan had meant at the time, but now, with Erwin’s hand wrapped around him, and the other creeping up to an even more intimate part of him, Levi found himself powerless to stop proceedings even if he had wanted to.

 _Is he going to touch my balls?_ Levi wondered, too overcome by the sensations to ask out loud. He knew he had been saying something intermittently but wasn’t sure what it was.

The hand crept up to touch the sensitive crease at his buttocks, then a finger stroked the skin just behind his sack. Something throbbed deep inside Levi under that inquisitive finger and then pulsed, rippling out and shooting straight to the tip of his cock and down to his toes.

Holy fuck.

Levi’s breath caught in his chest with the sheer intensity of the orgasm. His legs shot ramrod straight and his feet nearly cramped with how hard they curled. The teasing touch of Erwin’s fingers conjured up images in his mind of the man’s cock one day brushing up against his ass instead, and the thought made Levi cum so hard that it hurt. He felt his head being jerked to the side by his hair, then a hot mouth descended and was licking and sucking the skin on his neck with abandon, the talented hand continuing to jerk him off. His stomach was coated in cum in a way he never would have let happen if he were doing this solo.

Eventually, Levi felt his cock grow over-sensitive, his hips bucking from over-stimulation and Erwin seemed to notice and stop.

Arousal, or disgust? Levi wasn’t exactly sure didn’t know which emotion was stronger when Erwin scooped up some of Levi’s cum from where it had pooled on his stomach and used it to lubricate his own masturbation.

Now it was Levi’s turn to watch. Propping himself up on his elbows, he took in the sight of the big fat cock with its engorged veins and licked his lips. He reached out to touch and Erwin moved his own hand away. The glabrous skin was hot and soft, rippling over the hardness of the cock it encased. A bead of clear liquid formed at the tip, taunting Levi to lick and taste.

A sudden compulsion seized him.

As quick as a flash, Levi wriggled halfway down the bed until his head was positioned directly under Erwin’s cock. Pulling down the skin with his hand, Levi licked at the junction between the foreskin and the glans where he himself was most sensitive. He was taken aback when Erwin let out an expletive.

“Fuck! Levi, you don’t have to-”

Levi paused, looking up to check Erwin wasn’t disgusted. “Isn’t this how men please other men?” Had he mis-read something? Or was this not the right thing to do?

The look didn’t suggest that Erwin was averse to having Levi go down on him. Quite the opposite. “Yes, but-”

So Levi stopped listening.

He lapped up the drop of pre-cum and then took the glistening head into this mouth. As he licked and sucked and played with the soft sensitive skin, Levi thought about the power he possessed in that moment over the blonde looming large over him. The man was shaking with the effort not to come immediately; being in a mouth must feel even better than a hand. The muscles on Erwin’s abdomen were taut, and a fine sheen of perspiration covered his skin, accentuating the dips of his abs. Groaning with his head tilted back, Erwin then looked down at him with those stunning blue eyes, pure animalistic pleasure written across his face. Fuck, he was beautiful.

No one had ever looked at Levi the way this man did. Sure, in the past he had his share of creepy fucks leering at him; half of them probably thought he was a child, and the other half would like to pretend he was. But when Erwin looked at him, Levi felt warm. Esteemed. Cherished. Desired as a man.

Levi brought up one hand to touch Erwin’s stomach, to feel the hard body for himself. The other hand cupped Erwin’s balls, feeling them tighten and contract up towards Erwin’s body as he approached completion. He tugged gently, then moved the hand up to assist his mouth, fisting the base of Erwin’s cock and moving in time with his head. The action rewarded Levi with a small mouthful of salty pre-cum.

He didn’t really have a technique, or know what he was doing, but he’d dreamt of having someone to do this on ever since seeing a man getting oral from another man in an alley in the Underground when he was just a boy. Even as a young boy, he’d felt a twinge of arousal on glimpsing the men and knew instinctively that one man was pleasuring the other. Kenny had grabbed his shoulder and steered him away, muttering to him about not getting any bright ideas.

Crossing his eyes to try and see what he was doing, Levi worked his mouth and tried to imagine he was doing this to get Erwin ready to enter him. He had to shift when that thing deep within his pelvis throbbed and twitched at the thought, demanding attention, but neither hand was free to play.

He wondered if Erwin would be interested in anal sex. Levi had certainly thought about fingering himself before, but never had the guts to try. Despite knowing that it wasn’t entirely natural for two men to have sex in quite the same way a man and a woman did, and knowing the result would probably be fairly messy, Levi couldn’t help but imagine what it would really be like to have Erwin actually inside him. But would this heavy, girthy cock actually fit inside his body and feel good? It probably would for Erwin. For himself however, there would more than likely be quite a bit of discomfort. Yet, the thought of pain wasn’t especially off-putting if it meant they could join their bodies so intimately.

And then what? In his dreams, Erwin would be on top of him, or Levi was on all fours having the breath pounded out of him from behind. Dream-Erwin was rough and dominant; there was little tenderness, but he liked the idea of being fucked hard and fast by the bigger man. And afterwards some of Erwin would remain within him.

Looking up to check that Erwin was still enjoying himself, Levi was pleased to see that the man was now really struggling to hold back. Their eyes met and suddenly Erwin groaned loudly and pumped his hips, his muscled torso going taut as he came. Having not really thought any of this through, Levi realised that in less than a few seconds he was going to have another mouthful of cum, and this time probably a lot more than before.

 _Should I swallow it?_ he thought. He could turn his head and spit it out, but it would leave a mess on the sheets. Perhaps Erwin would enjoy watching him swallow.

Holy shit. The man didn’t merely enjoy watching it. The expression that crossed Erwin’s face nearly scared him; they stared at each other in silence for a moment, Erwin glaring down with an intensely possessive gleam in his cerulean eyes. Then it softened and the blonde was all gratitude and smiles and cuddles.

They got cleaned up and then held each other skin-to-skin for the first time. Never in his entire life had Levi experienced being held naked against another man's nude body.

It was rapturous. Never before had he felt the overwhelming feeling of closeness and trust that touching each other like this brought. His mind was flooded with longing and affection for Erwin. In that moment, he belonged with someone. How wonderful it felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I seem to always end chapters with them falling asleep???? I hope it doesn't annoy anyone that it keeps happening! Let me know if it's gettin too repetitive!
> 
> I hope you enjoy their first real sexual encounter with each other. Obv I have many more planned! Really, I feel I'm writing a plot just to get to the fucking. But I do have an end goal!
> 
> Comments and feedback are always appreciated and really make my day :D


	10. Ein Kiel treibt den andere aus.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin felt a terrible guilt at the whole situation.
> 
> Perhaps they should have just gone straight to bed to just sleep after washing. 
> 
> Perhaps he should have left tumbling in the sheets for just one more night. God knows he had waited long enough that a bit longer wouldn’t have made any material difference. 
> 
> But he hadn’t considered the consequences, and Hanji hadn’t mentioned no sex. He groaned inwardly at himself for his lack of self-control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant

Ein Kiel treibt den andere aus.

Part 1: Erwin

Erwin felt himself being pulled out of a deep and restful sleep, perhaps only a few hours after drifting off with Levi in his arms. It was still dark outside. Levi's slight form pressed against him sweetly, head fitted in the soft crook of Erwin’s shoulder. He seemed to be dreaming, rocking his head and body rhythmically against Erwin.

Bringing up a hand, Erwin smoothed Levi’s hair from his forehead in an attempt to settle him. Soldiers often suffered from disturbed sleep in the immediate days following expeditions, and he assumed the younger man was perhaps having a nightmare. Some nights Levi only slept a couple of hours. If his sleep wasn’t restful, surely it wasn’t going to help his head injury recover. If Erwin could soothe the bad dream and let Levi get a bit more sleep, he would. Moments passed; he tried to murmur reassurances, but the movement continued. Erwin was just about to consider shaking Levi awake, when a warm wetness spread across his leg.

Disentangling them and leaping out of bed, Erwin grabbed a candle, lighting it from the remnants of the fire.

“Levi?!” No response. A light sleeper, Levi should have been startled awake simply by Erwin moving out from under him. Urgently now, Erwin shook the smaller man, trying in vain to rouse him.

There was no answer.

The slight body continued to writhe gently; uncoordinated movements coupled with occasional slight facial twitches.

Was this another seizure? Or was Levi dying? 

Feeling panic rise in him, Erwin pulled on some pants and made for the San. In hindsight, he should have brought the other with him, rather than fetch the doctor to Levi. But rational thought had temporarily abandoned him.

~~~~~

Doctor Becker was sitting at the nurses station, finishing some notes on a young soldier who had returned to base with what might be the start of a stomach bug. Or it was possibly just the shits from the fear and anxiety of being beyond the walls. He was never surprised at the way mental health issues could present in these soldiers after they came back from missions. He was just glad he was now considered too old to accompany them. With a shudder at his memories from his earlier years, the doctor looked over at his on-call room, thinking about heading to bed as soon as he was done with this job.

Unexpectedly, Squad Leader Smith appeared in the San; he was hastily dressed and had clearly been asleep not long before.

“Squad Leader,” Becker started, “how are you? May I be of assistance?” He was sure something was wrong, as the normally stoic blonde man rarely sought medical care, and seemed to be clearly disquieted by something.

“I need you to come to Captain Levi. I think he’s having another fit.”

Ah.

Braun had handed over what had transpired on the mission before retiring to his own home for some much-deserved rest. Becker thought back to what his younger colleague had told him.

 _"He was easy enough to manage, but his companions said he was acting a bit out of character," Braun had said of Captain Levi_ , _"and he was clearly post-ictal. He was acting a bit amorously with Smith. Although, watching them both, I suspect Smith didn’t mind much." The younger doctor had grinned at him as he said it._

Gathering his leather bag, Becker made to turn left down the old corridor towards the men’s dorms, but Smith stayed him.

“He’s in my quarters upstairs.”

Becker wasn’t built like Smith, and couldn’t walk as fast as the other would have clearly wished. When they entered Smith's quarters, the smell of urine assaulted his senses. The captain was sat on the Squad Leader’s bed and appeared conscious, although he was disorientated and distressed. He seemed even less able to find words than usual, and his eyes betrayed fear and embarrassment.

“Hey,” Smith said quietly, “I’ve brought the doctor. It’s okay, you’re fine.”

It was clear the soldier had been incontinent of his bladder. It probably had been another seizure then. The captain pushed the wet blanket off himself; his breathing shook, likely with a combination of fright, being cold and wet, and evidence of the exertion the seizure had wrought on his body. He was naked under the cover. Becker knew that the soldiers often slept together on colder nights to share body heat, but he was no fool. He knew what he was seeing before him. Braun’s observations had been correct.

Technically, he was duty-bound to report incidents of homosexual fraternisation to the higher-ups, particularly where there was a major power imbalance such as this one. But where it was clear that both parties consented, he never had the heart to do it. These men and women lived such short lives; usually once they joined the Corps their life expectancy was around four years. He was never going to begrudge them what intimacy and comfort they could find while they were able.

Besides, relationships like these meant no unintended pregnancies; he loathed dealing with those.

Trying to come across as non-threatening as possible, Doctor Becker held his candle up to the distressed man’s head. “Will you let me look at your eyes?” The doctor moved the candle from one wide eye to the other, “Ah thank you. That all looks OK. Let me see your head.” The captain obediently bent his head and let him examine the long laceration. “That’s fine too.” Becker spoke in a calming manner. The white-haired doctor proceeded to a more thorough examination, checking for any new injuries and trying to assess whether he really needed to bring the captain to medical for observation.

“What does this mean?” Erwin demanded of the doctor. Becker ignored the tone. The younger man was clearly tired and unnerved by what had happened to his partner.

“I think your diagnosis was correct. But-" he hastened to reassure Smith, seeing the agitation build on his face, "it’s still only within hours from his head injury, so it doesn’t quite mean anything yet. I don’t need to take him to medical if you are happy to keep him here?” Becker knew the captain hated being medically examined, and would likely be more relaxed and comfortable here with his lover than in the San with one of the nurses. Smith nodded at him. “But it’s all the more reason for close supervision and avoiding dangerous activities.” Doctor Becker closed his leather bag. “In the meantime, I have some simple advice for now and if it happens again.”

“Do you mind if I write it down?”

“By all means.”

~~~~

It was a clear, simple list, but Erwin knew he would retain very little of the information at present unless he documented it.

Bidding the doctor goodnight and closing the door to his quarters, Erwin turned his attention fully to the upset man on the bed. Levi was shivering slightly; possibly from exertion, but more likely from being cold and wet. In his normal frame of mind, Levi would never have just sat in his own filth. It troubled Erwin, as it spoke volumes to just how out of it and helpless the young man really was at this current moment.

Erwin felt a terrible guilt at the whole situation. Perhaps they should have just gone straight to bed to just sleep after washing. Perhaps he should have left tumbling in the sheets for just one more night. God knows he had waited long enough that a bit longer wouldn’t have made any material difference. But he hadn’t considered the consequences, and Hanji hadn’t mentioned no sex. He groaned inwardly at himself for his lack of self-control.

Placing what he hoped was a reassuring hand on Levi’s drooping shoulder, Erwin asked, “How about another shower?” The younger man looked wrung out, and too tired to stand for any length of time. Rethink. “Or a bath? Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

Levi suddenly seemed to realise why both he and the bed were wet. He couldn’t meet Erwin’s eyes. “Don’t touch me.” A coarse tremor shook through Levi as he pulled the wet sheet around himself and just about managed to stand unassisted off the bed. “I’ll get you dirty too.”

“I already am. It’s fine, it’s just urine.” Erwin casually gestured at his own leg. “So it’s no bother running a bath. I need to get clean too.” As soon as he finished speaking, Erwin regretted admitting exactly what had woken him up. 

Levi stared uncomprehendingly for few seconds at Erwin’s words. Then, finally understanding, his eyes looked to where Erwin had gestured. Levi’s mouth dropped open, his voice choked and his grey eyes went impossibly wide. The normally expressionless face contorted into floods of tears. Seemingly unable to cope with this information on top of all that had already happened, Levi sank to his knees and gripped his face, covering it from Erwin’s view.

Well shit.

Why hadn’t he just said nothing?

“I’m so fucking sorry Erwin,” Levi began to babble anguished apologies from his position on the floor. 

When Erwin did catch a glimpse of Levi's face as he glanced up between his fingers at the door as if he were about to bolt, the young man's expression was filled with such utter bewilderment and fear that it made Erwin’s gut wrench in genuine pain. Then Levi's teeth began to chatter in his fright.

The blonde raked a hand through his hair, as he considered what to do. He couldn't let the other soldier just run off when he wasn't dressed or in his right mind. He might hurt himself, and needed a responsible eye kept on him. Defaulting to his own safe place, Erwin began to decide on a course of action. 

“Hey, hey,” kneeling down in front of the distressed man and desperate to provide comfort, Erwin pulled Levi into a firm embrace that the shaking man resisted at first, “it’s fine. Seriously I’ve had much worse, believe me. I’ve been a soldier for years, Levi. Blood, vomit, shit, piss; I’ve seen it all. It was an accident and you couldn't help it. And besides that, you’re my lover. _Nothing_ from you is dirty to me.” Erwin leaned back, cupping the small face between his hands and trying to get Levi to move his own hands away. “I’m going to run us both a bath. Then I’ll change the sheets and everything will be fine.” He tried to coax the trembling man to sit back on the bed, but the other wouldn’t budge.

“I’ll w-wait here,” came the small stacattoed reply.

Moving swiftly and wanting to get the other clean, warm and comfortable as soon as possible, Erwin went to rummage in the bathroom for the lemon-scented soap he had stolen from a stay in a stately home in Mitras a few months back. He had used it once to wash and then put it back in its paper wrapper to take it home with him. He was sure this would cheer Levi some. Luckily, someone had prepared plenty of hot water for their return that day, and Erwin was able to fill the bath to a good level.

While waiting for the bath to fill, he quickly stripped the bed, placing a towel on a small wet patch. Fortunately, most of the urine seemed to have been on himself or soaked up by the cover.

Turning off the bath taps and testing the water, he then went back into the room to retrieve Levi, who remained languishing on his knees. “Come,”

Levi's legs quaked too hard to stand up on his own, so Erwin gently steered him up from the floor and supported him as they walked slowly towards the bath. Tossing the sheet wrapped around Levi into a corner, Erwin steadied him as he stepped shakily into the water.

“Is that lemon soap?”

“Yes, I thought you might like to use it.”

Levi took it greedily, and took care with untying the string around it and removing the paper, giving them back to Erwin to set on a dry surface. Both hands holding the bar of soap, he took a deep inhale with closed eyes.

“Lemon is my absolute favourite.”

“For soap?”

“For everything.”

Good to know.

Seeming much happier, Levi settled himself down into the water. Erwin discarded his own pants and moved in behind Levi.

“Lean back against me.” Levi’s warm weight settled against his chest, and Erwin took the soap from him and lathered it in the water. He tried to strike a balance, definitely not wanting to make Levi think he was touching him for his own enjoyment, but also not wanting to be overly clinical about it either. His arms were long enough that he could easily reach down to Levi’s mid-thigh. A contented sigh came from the younger man; clearly his new lover enjoyed being washed.

“Do you want your hair done?”

“No thanks, I’ll leave it dry.”

The younger man's shivering from being cold was starting to die down somewhat as Levi warmed up in the hot water, but his muscles had worked hard during the fit, and continued to ripple with fatigue. 

Scooping up water with his hands, Erwin washed the lather off Levi’s chest and arms, giving a quick rub to his shoulder girdle which felt stiff and tense. He sensed Levi relaxing and considered whether a massage might be something they could try in future for fun and to get more intimately acquainted.

Happy that they were now both clean, he rested back and placed his arms lightly around his now settled lover, giving a light kiss to the crown of dark hair and allowing relief to wash over him. He had been so sure Levi had been actively dying before his eyes, and it had upset him more than he had thought possible. Seeing Levi's distress had also affected him more strongly than he would have supposed. He hugged the figure in his arms even more tightly to himself. 

Even with two candles in the room it was dark. A nighttime bath with a lover felt like a ridiculous indulgence. There wasn’t a sound in the world except for their quiet breathing and the crackling of the fire next door. Erwin was just starting to wonder if Levi had fallen asleep, when he felt the dark head turn and place a light kiss against his bicep. The head tilted back, and Erwin looked down. Grey eyes glinted up at him in the flickering light, fogged with desire and need.

Erwin wasn’t exactly sure how to proceed. The seizures had seemed to make Levi behave out of character, and Erwin was worried about causing yet another one. He hadn’t felt brave enough to ask Becker about whether Levi should avoid sex, in case the clever man caught on to their activities.

For now, perhaps it was best to refrain.

Levi shifted so he was facing Erwin and semi-straddled his lap, licking drops of water and sweat from the warm skin of Erwin’s neck. For a minute the blonde allowed it, closing his eyes and enjoying the caress of Levi’s tongue. The small mouth sucked gently over where his pulse beat. Then a hand was reaching down between them, lightly gripping their cocks together under the water.

“Levi,” Erwin tried to inject firmness into his voice, and the other took note, meeting his gaze.

“Mmmmhmmm?” Although he was enjoying this amorous side of Levi, Erwin knew he would regret not stopping him. It wasn’t fair to take advantage of him, nor did he want any more trouble tonight.

“I don’t think I’ll be up to much else tonight.” It was a lie, but hopefully it would spare Levi’s feelings.

“Oh, alright.”

“Let’s get out before it gets cold.”

In case the night repeated itself, Erwin decided it was best to make sure they were both dressed. After drying himself off, he sauntered naked over to his dresser and went to grab them both some pyjamas. One half of the top drawer had Levi’s clothes in it; they had migrated there ever since he had started spending the colder nights in Erwin’s room. All the clothes in the drawer were meticulously folded. Erwin smiled. Levi must have been busy.

“You don’t want to sleep naked?” Levi looked terribly disappointed. Considering how long it had taken for Levi to warm up to the idea of sleeping nude together, Erwin nearly laughed aloud at his new-found enthusiasm, but stopped when he considered that it was probably the seizures that had lowered Levi's inhibitions in the first place. 

Handing him the small set of night wear, Erwin shook his head, "As much as I would like to, Becker has already seen you naked in my bed once tonight. If he had to come back again and you were in a state of undress _yet again_ , I might have some explaining to do.”

“Shit Erwin.” Levi looked worried. “Is that going to be a problem?”

“I’m sure he will treat what he saw with confidentiality.”

“With what?” Sometimes Erwin forgot to speak more plainly with the less well-educated man.

“I think we can entrust him with keeping this private.”

Levi let out a breath. “Okay, if you think so. I trust you.”

The world stood still for a moment for Erwin. Those three words caught somewhere in his chest. 

But Levi didn’t seem to notice the effect his words had on Erwin; he started to pull on his pyjamas and fumble with buttons. As Levi dressed, Erwin re-made the bed. He tossed a spare cover over it once he was done. Levi stood for a minute, staring at the bed.

“Maybe I’ll just stay up.”

“You need to rest. Get into bed.”

“What if it happens again? Maybe I should just……” Levi looked around, as if hoping there was alternative available.

“I don’t care if it happens again. In fact, I want to know if it does,” Erwin reasoned. He reached out and took Levi’s hand in his, pulling him gently over to the bed and encouraging him to lie down.

Levi shuffled over to his side of the bed, then reached out his arms in silent invitation. Smiling widely and smitten by the welcome he was receiving, Erwin slipped under the cover and allowed himself to slot into Levi’s arms, facing each other with noses touching. This affectionate side to Levi was really very appealing.

Suddenly, Levi leaned in and pressed their lips together. Despite his best intentions, once again Erwin found Levi’s charms irresistible, and succumbed to the feel of those slim lips against his own. It had been so long since he had been held by someone who wanted him the way this man did.

To his surprise, he felt Levi open his mouth slightly against his, and a shy tongue licked lightly against Erwin’s bottom lip. Instincts took over his rational mind, and Erwin used his heavier bulk to press his slight partner on his back and into the bed. Levi’s hands came up; one cupped Erwin’s face, and the other lay gently against the blonde’s neck. Reaching his own arms under and around Levi, Erwin initiated another kiss, this time turning his head slightly to slot their mouths together. When Levi opened his mouth again, Erwin slipped his own tongue in to play, unable to hold back a deep groan of pleasure. 

Levi tasted _divine_. Had _anyone_ _ever_ tasted _this_ good?

Erwin liked kissing, and let himself indulge during intercourse when he was able to. But God, he had never enjoyed it _this_ much before. All memories of previous lovers fell away. The taste of this man was intoxicating.

He moaned into Levi’s mouth, enjoying the warm electric feeling of their lips flirting against each other. It felt like he was melting into the man beneath him. His lover tasted manly and musky. He smelled of fresh lemon, cut wood and something else that was uniquely Levi.

They pulled each other closer, each trying to quench their thirst for the other. Erwin wondered fleetingly whether this was how bees felt when sipping nectar from a particularly delicious flower.

Levi’s thumb was gently stroking his neck, and Erwin felt his own pulse racing against the digit. Forcing his eyes to open to look at Levi’s face, he saw the other man grinning up at him wickedly, eyes alight with the promise of even more delicious things to come. It was wonderful having the younger man respond so avidly to his touch; recently Erwin had felt almost as if he were pestering Levi with his caresses and attentions at night. Perhaps his shyness and inhibitions had finally been stripped away, and they could look forward to this with some regularity. 

The smaller man had really come to life again and insistently raised himself up onto one elbow to deepen the kiss. His hand tried to pull Erwin’s head down, and Levi gave some more aggressive light kisses before once again letting Erwin slip his tongue in and explore his mouth.

During this time, Levi had closed his eyes again. Then they opened, and Levi looked down between them, consternation creasing his features.

“Levi?” Erwin asked, pausing momentarily

“It’s not working.”

Erwin was confused. “Are you not enjoying it?” Because he certainly was. Goddamn if it wasn’t the best make-out session he was sure he had ever had.

Levi scoffed. “Of course I am. But it’s not getting hard.”

“What?”

“My junk.”

“Maybe it’s because you’re tired,” Erwin tried to reassure him. Perhaps it was a consequence of the fit. The thought anchored Erwin in his resolve to behave. “Hey, don’t worry. I’m too tired anyway. It happens when you start to get as old as me.” 

“I didn’t think you were _that_ old. How old are you?”

“34.”

“Huh.”

Deciding to call a halt to proceedings before things got out of hand again, Erwin leaned in and gave one final chaste kiss before manoeuvring them into a spooning position, Levi’s back pressed against his chest. He placed a few kisses into the inky hair.

“Go to sleep. We can play another time.”

“Fine.”

Erwin ran his tongue over his lips one last time, trying to hold onto any remnant of the taste of the man in his arms. Then, burying his nose in Levi’s hair and inhaling deeply, he willed himself to sleep.

Ein Kiel treibt den andere aus.

Part 2: Levi

Having enjoyed their first romp together between the sheets, sleep found Levi easily that night. Unusually though, he also dreamed; intense, nostalgic dreams of Farlan, Isobel and his mother. His mind was awash with the memories; the scent of his mother when she was whole and well, how sweet Izzy had smelled as a little girl, the sound of Farlan’s cheeky laugh. It all felt very real, and Levi was surprised to wake up alone in a large bed. He hadn’t slept in a bed in years. Extremely disorientated in the dark room, he reached around to see if anyone else was there. He was sure that he was in the Underground, but where were Farlan and Isobel?

Then he noticed that he was naked, and the bed he lay on was wet. He had never slept naked in his entire life. Groaning, he tried to sit up, but his head banged with pain as if he had a bad hangover and he swiftly lay back down.

 _Where the fuck am I?_ Rubbing his throbbing head, Levi tried to look around in the dark feeling increasingly confused and panicked. _Where are my clothes?_

He pulled the wet sheet around him, trying to figure out where he was. Had he gone home with someone? Then he saw a sliver of moonlight shining through a crack in the curtains.

He jerked upright again when he remembered that this was the Surface. The Survey Corps HQ. Erwin’s bed. Thank fuck. Shock filled him as he recalled what had transpired that very night. They had done it. They’d had sex- of sorts. And they’d both reached climax.

But where was Erwin? Had he left? Levi looked for thin lines of light around any of the door frames indicating someone was up and had lit a lamp. But it was pitch-black. It didn’t look like Erwin was in the bathroom or the office. A strong ammonia-type smell lingered in the room; perhaps he was bleaching something?

Levi lifted a hand; his palm was wet. Why was the bed wet? Erwin had cleaned up the mess, he remembered that. Had they spilled some water on the bed while clearing up after? He couldn’t remember. The memory felt far away and not like it had occurred only a few hours ago. He widened his eyes as though that would help recall what had happened.

Frustrated at his amnesia and wanting to treasure the memory of his first time with another person, Levi rubbed his temples with his fingers and shut his eyes. His muscles ached even harder than they had that morning and there was an odd metallic taste on his tongue. He felt like he’d run a marathon, rather than slept well after their celebratory shenanigans. But maybe this was how one felt after sex?

Levi pressed his hands into his eyes, his mind feeling even more fogged than before he went to sleep. It must have been a good four hours of uninterrupted sleep - an excellent night’s sleep for him. So why didn’t it feel restful and restorative?

He shivered, starting to feel cold from being so wet in the chilly room, but he felt oddly unsure what to do about it. Decisions felt difficult to make. His head ached. Perhaps he should just lie down and return to sleep?

Just before he decided to close his eyes and relax back onto the mattress, the door was flung open, causing him to jump, and Erwin strode in with another older man, both looking serious.

_What the-?_

The old man approached the bed, shone a light in Levi’s eyes and began touching his arms and legs. He bade Levi show him his stapled laceration, and Levi obediently bowed his head, trying to work out what the fuck was going on. Erwin stood watchfully to the side, looking twitchy and serious.

Levi tried to speak, but his perspective had shifted to some weird intense sense of objectivity and his thoughts had completely introverted themselves, the words stuck inside his head.

Then the two other men conversed while looking at him. Erwin’s tone was sharp as if he were angry.

Levi was struck dumb with confusion. Then it turned to fright.

Why had Erwin invited this guy over in the middle of the night when he knew Levi was naked in his bed? Strange paranoid thoughts filled Levi’s head as he imagined Erwin telling this old dude that Levi had jerked and sucked him off. His armpits itched as he began to sweat, fearful now that Erwin had changed his mind about wanting to be intimate with another man, was now outing Levi and was about to toss him out of his quarters too. Maybe this guy had come to take him to be disciplined for fraternising with a man.

Confusingly, the old man left, and Erwin came over and stood beside Levi, asking if he wanted to bathe.

Why would he want to bathe? He wasn’t dirty, he-

Cold horror washed over Levi as he suddenly realised that the smell permeating the room was urine, and it was coming up from under him on the mattress. Had he wet the fucking bed?

Trembling in disgust and humiliation, Levi tried to stand unassisted, pulling the wet cover around himself, feeling very self-conscious and not wanting Erwin to see his nakedness. With all his might he wished that Erwin would just disappear and leave him to his shame.

“Don’t touch me,” he warned. “I’ll get you dirty, too.” It was bad enough that the bed was soiled. He would have to sort that out next. But he couldn’t even remember where the spare sheets were kept.

Fuck. What was the matter with him? This couldn’t be normal after being jerked off, was it? Farlan never seemed so handicapped after tumbling in bed with his women and Erwin seemed perfectly alright.

“Don’t worry, I already am.” Erwin said, pointing to his leg. Erwin’s pants were wet and clung to him. “I need to get clean too.”

It took a few seconds for the message to get to Levi’s brain and be processed properly. But once it sunk in, Levi wished a Titan would appear and swallow him whole.

 _No. Oh no. I didn’t. No, no, no, no! Oh God. No please don’t let it be true_ _._ Levi shook his head.

It wasn’t just the bed he’d wet...

Erwin had been lying under him.

He gripped his head with one hand, needing the other to keep the sheet around his waist. His scalp wound ached from where he was pulling on his hair too hard, but he felt too distressed to care.

It was too much. The indignity of it all caused Levi to lose what little control he had over his trembling legs and his knees hit the floor with a dull thud. He could feel his body heave as he began sobbing, humiliated to lose face in front of the man he so desperately wanted to impress. 

He didn’t want to lose Erwin. But how would the man ever see him in a sexual light ever again? After pissing all over him and getting him filthy? And then crying on his floor? His dreams of lying with this man and learning to enjoy his touch, learning how to please him and be with him were slipping away through Levi’s fingers like sand. After a lifetime of avoiding such intimacy, now that he finally submitted to his desire and embraced it, his own body had betrayed him and now the man he had let into his life would be snatched away. How could he ever look Erwin in the eye again?

“I’m so fucking sorry, Erwin,” Levi managed to rasp out through his tears. He should leave. He should get up and go somewhere, anywhere else. He’d befouled Erwin’s bed and the man himself.

But where would he go? His thoughts were so scrambled that he couldn't remember the route to the dorms from here. His legs were weak and exhausted, and Levi wasn't even sure he could make the walk. And where were his clothes? His crying intensified in his disorientation and bewilderment that all of this could possibly have happened on what should have been a happy and momentous night with the man he was growing to love. Frightened and not knowing what was going to become of him, Levi's teeth began to chatter uncontrollably. 

To his surprise, Erwin knelt before him and pulled him into an embrace. Levi tried to keep his wet hips and legs away from the blonde, but Erwin was persistent and held him close, trying to reassure him that it was an accident and that everything would all be alright. Levi covered his face in disbelief that any of this could possibly be real.

He felt Erwin try to coax him to stand and sit on the bed, but Levi couldn’t bear to sully the place more than he already had.

Rubbing at his itchy eyes and snorting down a lump of snot, Levi tried to calm down. For fuck’s sake. What was wrong with him? He hadn’t wet the bed since he was a child. Maybe dicks just didn’t function as well after such strong orgasms, but Erwin hadn’t wet the bed.

There was the sound of running water and then rustling as Erwin ran a bath and changed the bedding. A pleasing lemon scent filled the air and after a subjectively long time, Erwin was raising him and steering him towards the bath. Levi was glad he hadn’t been bundled into the shower. He wasn’t convinced his legs would be capable of supporting him. They felt weak and Levi wasn’t sure why; maybe it was just the shock and misery of the whole situation.

It felt like his sense of smell was heightened and once the bar of soap was in his hands, he couldn’t get enough of the lemon scent. He closed his eyes as his senses became impregnated with his favourite smell. The world disappeared for a moment as he savoured the clean smell, until Erwin asked him to sit down.

Once in the bath, Erwin settled behind him and took the soap and lathered it. The water was so delightfully warm, and Erwin’s slippery hands moved tenderly over Levi’s body to get them both clean. Then, the wonderful man wrapped Levi in an embrace and in silence they lay against each other. A kiss was placed in his hair. He had clearly been forgiven.

The proximity, the tender way he was gathered in Erwin’s strong arms, and the warmth of his hard body seduced Levi’s addled mind. A wave of ardent passion washed over him and Levi turned his head up and round to see the handsome blonde face. Besotted by Erwin’s reciprocal smile, he felt the need to press his own lips to those of the older man; all of a sudden, he needed to have them both touching fully together from mouth to groin. A stray drop of water ran down the thick, corded neck and Levi lapped it up, then gripped their cocks together in his hand under the water, wanting to feel Erwin harden against his own erection.

Considering that lately it had been difficult to keep the man’s wandering hands off him every night, Erwin seemed strangely hesitant about going for round two.

“I don’t think I’ll be up to much else tonight,” Erwin said, sounding rather disappointed himself.

Not wanting to be a pest, Levi let go; he had heard that with age it was harder for men to go a second round. They got out of the cooling water and Erwin fished them out some pyjamas to wear.

“You don’t want to sleep naked?” He had enjoyed feeling Erwin directly against him; earlier Erwin’s cock, soft but still large and heavy from recent orgasm, had lain across Levi's inner thigh as they’d fallen asleep, and Levi had found it oddly comforting.

Erwin looked at him amusedly. “I would like to, but Becker has already seen you naked in my bed once tonight. If he had to come back and you were in a state of undress yet again, I might have some explaining to do.”

Levi could have smacked himself. Of course, the old guy was the Corps doctor. It was the doctor who had come earlier with Erwin; he hadn’t recognised him. Erwin must have been worried about Levi wetting the bed and called him. It wasn’t that he had regretted fooling around.

For a moment, profound relief flooded Levi and he visibly sagged, but then panic arose again. The doctor wasn’t stupid and had eyes in his fucking head; surely he knew what he was seeing? _And_ would report it. A subordinate naked in an officer’s bed? A _male_ subordinate naked in a _male_ officer’s bed?

Shit.

Really worried now, Levi stared at the older man. “Shit, Erwin. Is that going to be a problem?”

The blonde shook his head and looked non-plussed. “I’m sure he will treat what he saw with confidentiality.”

“With what?” He knew the word, but in the muddied waters of his mind he couldn’t quite remember what it meant.

“I think we can entrust him with keeping this private.”

Levi let out a breath, “Okay, if you think so. I trust you.”

He got to work pulling on the pyjamas, fingers clumsy on the buttons. He’d never been so clumsy in his whole goddamn life. Is this what sex did to people? Next time he was on the field, would Levi find himself dropping his blades, misfiring the ODM, or tumbling off his horse if he had sex too recently?

He paused doing up the buttons. What if this were to do with what happened when he was a child? When one of his mother's clients had decided to have him as well as her. The thought frightened him; had that experience done something to him that meant he couldn't have sex properly now that he was an adult? Perhaps the man who had attacked him had given a disease and Levi still had it all these years later. Or perhaps he was permanently physically damaged inside somehow.

Fiddling nervously with his last button, Levi looked over at Erwin; it was clear that the older man had a ferocious sexual appetite. How was this possibly going to work if Levi couldn't perform in bed or fell to pieces afterwards every time? He ran a hand down the side of his face, too tired to think about it.

Rubbing his eyes, he pushed the thought down. Maybe if he tried hard enough to forget about it, the problem would just go away. It wasn't as if he could try and explain it to Erwin; the guy would be disgusted. And Erwin thought he had a virgin in his bed. If he knew the truth, he probably wouldn't want to put his dick anywhere near him.

Erwin was busy remaking the bed. He never did a particularly good job of it, but Levi was too tired and emotionally drained to care. The mattress was dry and clean now, the soiled sheets thrown into a corner in the next room. Levi stood for a minute, staring at the bed. Erwin would probably want it to himself after everything that had happened.

“Maybe I’ll just stay up,” Levi said apprehensively.

Erwin stared him down. “You need to rest. Get into bed.”

 _He’s just being polite,_ Levi’s inner voice told him _. Politely decline and the poor man can get back into his own bed and not have to worry about you messing it again._

“What if it happens again? Maybe I should just…” Levi looked around at the chair and then at the door, in disbelief that he was being invited back into the bed at all.

 _I could sit in the chair_ _,_ he thought _. I’ll put a towel on it. Then if it does happen again, it’ll be easier to clean. And none will get on Erwin. Or I could go to-_

“I don’t care if it happens again. In fact, I want to know if it does,” Erwin reasoned, cutting off his train of thought. He reached out and took Levi’s hand in his, pulling him gently over to the bed, the whole time smiling his encouragement. The endearing smile reached his blue eyes, which had creased charmingly at the corners. Once again, Levi was smitten; he let himself be guided into the soft bed. His mind went blank as he stared at Erwin’s loving expression from his position on his side of the bed.

Like a lovesick teenager, he spread his arms to invite the other man in for an embrace. Erwin looked delighted and slotted himself into Levi’s waiting arms

Holding rapidly gave way to kissing, and kissing soon turned to touching, and touching to full-body grinding. Erwin smelled so, so good, and Levi simply _had_ to taste him. He flicked his tongue lightly against Erwin’s lips, hoping that the other man would rise to the summons.

And he did. Fuck, was Erwin a good kisser. Why hadn’t they used tongues before? He sucked and nibbled and played their tongues and lips together, and his taste made Levi’s eyes roll back into his skull and his body melt into the bed. It had been fun to taste his cock. But the all-encompassing sensations of taste, smell, and touch of their mouths against each other and the stroking hands caressing him simultaneously made Levi lose what was left of his mind.

Feeling hot and horny and wanting to continue to next base, Levi guided the other man on top of himself, wanting to feel the weight of the devilishly sexy man pressing him into the bed. The lump against his leg assured Levi that Erwin too was now looking to step things up a notch. Levi tried to grind his hips up into Erwin’s, but noticed that his own cock was soft and just smushed uselessly against the blonde’s pelvis. He looked down to see why it wasn’t responding.

“Levi?” Erwin asked, pausing momentarily.

“It’s not working.” Levi reached down to see if readjusting it would help.

Erwin was confused. “You aren’t enjoying it?”

Levi scoffed. “Of course I am. But it’s not getting hard.”

“What?”

“My junk.”

“Maybe it’s because you’re tired,” Erwin tried to reassure him. But then consternation creased his features. “Hey, don’t worry. I’m too tired anyway. It happens when you start to get as old as me.”

It was obvious that Erwin was just being polite. Feeling a bit embarrassed for leading the other man on but then failing to be physically able to actually continue proceedings, Levi asked, “I didn’t think you were _that_ old. How old are you?”

“34.”

“Huh.” So there were nearly ten years between them. Not that it mattered, but Levi found himself rather liking the age difference.

Erwin had clearly decided to call a halt to tonight’s games, leaning in and giving one final chaste kiss before manoeuvring them into a spooning position, Levi’s back pressed against his chest. A few kisses were pressed into Levi’s hair.

Erwin’s deep voice rumbled through him. “Go to sleep. We can play another time.”

“Fine.”

He was out like a light.

~~~

The next morning, Levi awoke to Erwin spooning him from behind. The blonde was drooling on the back of his neck, and one of the man's thick thighs was shoved comfortably between Levi's own. Blurry memories from the events of the night before resurfaced, and Levi nearly groaned with shame.

He reached down to check that it hadn't happened again, but everything felt dry.

Thank fuck.

Still feeling stiff, but with a clearer mind, Levi carefully removed Erwin’s arm from around his waist, got out of bed without jostling the other man too much, and looked down at him.

He looked peaceful and content, an expression Levi saw too infrequently. Tucking the sheet around Erwin so he wouldn’t get cold, Levi re-stacked the fire and lit it so that Erwin wouldn’t wake up to a cold room.

Teeth chattering and breath visible in the chilly air, Levi pulled out a new uniform from his section of the drawer and dressed. He wanted to get the soiled sheets sorted before anyone else could see them. It wasn’t exactly a chore; he was fond of doing laundry when the water was warm.

Shit.

He wasn’t permitted to boil water. In fact, he probably shouldn't have lit the fire either.

Levi looked back at Erwin snoozing in bed. Well, he wasn’t about to wake the poor man just to heat up water for the mess Levi had made. He’d suffered enough for one night. Levi pondered. Maybe just this one time only he could dump the sheets in the laundry and run. No one would know whose they were.

He left Erwin a note in case the guy woke up alone and panicked that Levi was wandering around dangerously on his own. Which was exactly what he was doing, but he would get Hanji ASAP once the sheets were out of the way.

Resolved, he rolled up his sleeves and gathered the wet sheets, then walked as fast as he could without making noise down to the laundry room, threw the stinking sheets into the laundry bin and washed his hands.

_Rumble rumble._

The nausea of yesterday had subsided and he was fucking starving. Reveille hadn’t sounded yet, but they might be already prepping food in the mess kitchen.

There were a few early birds up and about. Hanji and Moblit were already in the mess hall sitting opposite each other at the trestle table, discussing some drawing Hanji had sketched of a flower. Levi snatched some food and ate with them for a while before plating up some for Erwin, figuring that based on his past behaviour, the guy was unlikely to emerge from bed any time soon and might miss breakfast.

Erwin was still fast asleep when Levi re-entered the room. Covering the plate with a cloth, he added a post-script to his note and turned to head back to the two mad scientists in the mess hall.

He paused before leaving, deciding to indulge himself just one more time in watching the sleeping man in the bed. It might be the last time Levi ever saw him in bed. He still wasn’t entirely convinced Erwin would be inviting him back. The thought of having to return to his bunk under Gelgar sent a shiver running down his spine.

Snoring gently, Erwin had pulled a pillow into his embrace in lieu of Levi. His jaw hung open slightly and his blonde bed hair was delightfully mussed. Levi smiled. He was so handsome. Touching the soft blonde locks, Levi reached down to brush a kiss on Erwin’s head, inhaling the scent of the man which lingered most strongly in his hair.

In this moment, Erwin was completely vulnerable. The man trusted Levi with his life. And only last night, he had trusted him enough to have his cock in Levi’s mouth. The memory of the unguarded expression on Erwin’s face as he came sent a thrill to Levi’s groin.

What the hell would Farlan have thought of all this? Of Levi jumping into bed with the man they had been hired to hit? This man, who some in the establishment felt was so dangerous that they wanted him gone. Erwin was a calculating and ruthless manipulator who would one day probably order Levi to ride to his untimely and gruesome death. At times, Erwin flew almost too close to the sun and risked being branded a heretic or a traitor for his beliefs about the world. Surely no sane person would want to entangle themselves with such a man.

Yet Levi had glimpsed the vulnerable soul beneath the authoritative magnificence Erwin sought to project; he had perceived the doubts and fears that swam beneath the air of assurance. Levi knew for himself that Erwin was a good man and had a conscience. Underneath the façades and disguises he wore was a man who was playful, funny, and caring. He could get up to hijinks and displayed high-spirited exuberance when they were alone together. And he was brilliant. He could see things no one else could. The whole of humanity might be lost without him.

Levi’s heart clenched in his chest; his feelings for this man were so very strong and he had no doubt that sex together had only strengthened them. He was in over his head with this man and stood perilously close to falling completely in love with Erwin. Closing his eyes, Levi prayed that last night’s fuck-up wouldn’t diminish Erwin’s desire for him. All he wanted was to be with this man. To belong to him. Body, heart and soul.

“Erwin,” he whispered the name softly without meaning to, reaching up and gripping the shirt over his own heart, in physical pain at the thought of losing him. “My heart- my heart is yours.”

~~~~

Stretching happily in the bright morning light, Erwin woke alone but with the cover gathered firmly around him. His muscles ached slightly from the fall off his horse the day before. He sighed and ran a hand down his face, strongly considering just rolling over and going back to sleep. Then a spike of panic hit him, as he realised that the other man was alone somewhere and shouldn’t be unsupervised.

He swung his legs out of the bed, and then saw the note on the bedside table. It was Levi’s script. Neat and perfect.

_Gone to do laundry. With Hanji. Go back to sleep._

_Levi_

_PS There is some cold meat, bread and cheese on your desk for when you wake up._

_I’d have made tea, but I’m not allowed to boil water apparently. Or carry it around._

Erwin swung his legs back into bed and beheld the note. Levi without constant access to tea was going to be super not fun. He saw himself having to wait on the man for the coming months. They were going to have to come up with some sort of timetable to babysit Levi.

Erwin’s eyes drifted to his desk, where a stack of paperwork taunted him. Sighing again, he decided to get up and going for the day. The pile of soiled laundry had vanished from the corner of the room, and the fire had been rekindled. It was pleasant waking up to a warm room. As he passed the desk to get washed and dressed, he noticed a cloth covering a plate. Lifting it, he saw a tempting array of cold cuts. He picked up a slice and chewed it thoughtfully. Smiled.

He could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I particularly enjoyed writing this chapter, and really wanted to be happy with it before publishing.
> 
> On a side note, seizures can cause all sorts of weird behaviour, including amorousness, emotionality and reduced inhibition. 
> 
> There's still plenty more to come; it turns out I love writing smut scenes as much as I enjoy reading them! Perhaps more!
> 
> I have also written a oneshot Levi POV of this chapter. You can find it under my other works. 
> 
> Again, thank you for comments and kudos. Please leave a comment if there's anything you particularly like and I can think more about how to improve my writing


	11. Ins Fettnäpfchen treten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi glared at him, getting out of the bed, “Is this all just a fucking game to you? Just to get me in your bed once? Another notch on your bedpost?”
> 
> Erwin’s face was creased with distress. “Levi, no. I mean, I can’t deny that at first it was to try and get closer to you-“
> 
> “Tcch,” The expression on Levi’s face darkened further, and he swept over to his neatly folded clothes and began to redress.
> 
> “-but that’s not what it became.” Internally, he was screaming at himself to shut up and stop making things worse.
> 
> “What, so now you’ve had me, you’re bored of me? Is that it? Or perhaps I’m no fucking good?”
> 
> “No, Levi. That’s not-“
> 
> “I gave you something of myself I’ve never given to anyone!” Levi shouted, fists clenched, “I trusted you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, I have been having such fun on tumblr seeing all the amazing eruri artwork out there. Some of it has really inspired me for new ideas for stories.
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos. It gives me the warm fuzzies to read all the comments!

Over the course of the next month, they settled into a new routine. Levi would flit between Erwin and Hanji for supervision, trying to find something to do now that strenuous training was off the cards. As someone who considered themselves a lone operator, this new regime grated somewhat on Levi’s nerves. But he had to admit, it was nice to spend time with Erwin and not need to come up with an excuse.

One particular Saturday afternoon it was raining heavily, and there wasn’t much else to do but sit inside and relax together.

Dressed casually, Levi sat cross-legged in his chair by Erwin’s office window and engrossed in a pleasure book Erwin had picked up for him recently. Beside him on a small table was a steaming cup of one of his favourite teas. He had slipped off his shoes at the door when he had entered earlier.

The Squad Leader worked at the desk, organising paperwork and making notes from the reports the soldiers had written for him from the last expedition. The teapot was on his desk; he didn’t yet trust Levi to hold it, and insisted on being the one to make and pour it, much to the smaller man’s annoyance. Erwin wouldn’t even let him have _really_ _hot_ tea, in case he spilled it down himself. The blonde felt like some sort of great, overbearing nanny, but still harboured guilt about the night they had returned from the mission, and was determined to take better care of his best soldier.

Over the last couple of weeks, Levi had devised a new system for Erwin’s paperwork to help organise it better. There were now different trays for letters and papers depending on whether they needed actioned or filed. At first, Erwin had been defensive about the way he chose to organise his work.

_‘I like having it a certain way Levi.’_

_‘This way will work better.’ Levi had chided. ‘Just give it a try. You can be so inflexible.’_

_‘I can be flexible,’ Erwin had insisted, ‘if I’m ordered to be.’_

_Levi had laughed at that. A pleasant sound that had made Erwin’s whole day. ‘Give it a trial run and if you don’t like it after a week, just switch it back.’_

In the end of course, Erwin had to reluctantly admit that Levi had been right. It was much easier to remember where all his notes and letters were with the new system. He also to admit that he liked having Levi’s diligent assistance. In his boredom, Levi had been helping him summarise reports and write letters. It had taken a while at first to teach him how to write a proper letter.

_Erwin glanced over the attempted letter Levi had penned. ‘This isn’t quite right. It’s not like writing prose. Letters have to be set out a certain way.’_

_‘Why?’_

_‘It’s the way people expect correspondence to look.’ Moving a stack of notices to Levi, Erwin gave him an exemplar of how he wanted the letters written. ‘I need these done by the end of today.’_

_‘What am I now? Your fucking secretary? You don’t pay me enough to do this shit.’_

_‘I don’t pay you.’_

_‘Exactly.’_

Erwin felt his eyes crease with a smile at the memory. Despite the man being blunt and crass, Erwin found himself highly amused by Levi. He had always thought his own sense of humour was quite highbrow, and was astonished to find how much he enjoyed Levi's rather base humour. Perhaps it was due to the unexpectedness of it when combined with his deadpan tone and expression.

Taking a short break from the work in front of him, Erwin turned his chair towards Levi and the window.

Levi had his book resting page-down on his lap. His teacup was held to his lips in that odd manner of his, attention on the rain pattering outside. No, it was on the window pane itself. Erwin could see his grey eyes roaming up and down, following the path the fat raindrops took as they hit the glass, then streamed down to merge with other drops, before running faster to the bottom of the window.

Erwin let himself have a moment to enjoy watching Levi’s almost melancholic trance; in that moment, Levi seemed completely absorbed in watching the raindrops hit the window, while enjoying the heat of his tea and the comfortableness of the armchair he was curled up on. Erwin tried to think of when he himself last made time to soak in the experience of purely being alive, like Levi was doing now. Usually, when Erwin realised he was actually having a moment of happiness, he would purposely try and savour it by picking it apart, and in the process dissolve the moment and ruin it. This time, with his lover looking so relaxed and content, he decided to try and behold this delicious sliver of existence; to be present long enough to notice. In this single moment, the single heartbeat before Levi noticed him staring, the world seemed good and right, even more exquisite for it’s impermanence.

“What are you thinking about?” Erwin probed.

“Hmmmm?” Levi was far away in his thoughts. Then he glanced at Erwin. “Nothing really, just watching the rain on the window. Thinking about how nice it is to be in here and dry, and not out in the wet.” Then he brought his tea to his lips and resumed watching the drops slowly merge on the glass and trickle gently down the window; simply present and enjoying the moment.

Recently, as he spent more time with the younger man, Erwin realised that somewhere along the way in his own life, his eyes had become too locked on the future to collect his own moments of beauty on his own life’s journey. He felt he always had to think about what was coming; what would succeed this moment; what chess pieces needed played next. But ensconced now in the chrysalis of his warm room with the man Erwin felt he was well on his way to falling in love with, he knew it was time to start cherishing these moments together.

 _‘I’m not supposed to be falling in love with him,’_ he chastised himself. He had always thought he had more control over his feelings than that. Apparently though, when it came to this tiny thug from the wrong side of Mitras, everything Erwin thought he knew and understood was turned on it’s head.

Erwin was still coming to terms with the fear he had felt when he thought Levi had been dying in his arms as he shook and jerked helplessly while having his seizure. Being forced to confront the strength and depth of feeling he had for Levi scared him more than riding out beyond the Walls did. 

In the beginning, he had such desire to control this man; was so sure that if he didn’t dominate first, that Levi would be uncontrollable, untameable. Had been so sure he needed to break and remake him. Instead, Levi had come willingly. And better than Erwin could have imagined. The other wasn’t exactly docile or submissive, but he respected Erwin. Laid bare to him. And Erwin still wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve it.

~~~~

Most nights Levi was content to sleep in the armchair with a blanket, his head resting between the wall behind him and the bookcase to his right. He always had to face the entrances to the room. On chair nights, he would wash and then get into the next day’s full uniform to sleep. Erwin couldn’t comprehend this man’s strange sleeping habits. But then, he mused, he had been lucky enough to be tucked into his own bed every night for the majority of his childhood. Levi had no such luxury. He wished he knew more about Levi’s childhood, but was reluctant to ask for fear of upsetting him and worried that Levi would want to hear about Erwin’s in return. Guilt still gnawed at him from his own youthful mistakes, and although in the past he would have told anyone about his father’s ideas, he had made a point of keeping his cards close to his chest for nearly a decade now. Erwin wasn’t entirely sure what Levi would think about his father’s conspiracies. But he knew he couldn’t bear them to be ridiculed.

Thunder roared outside the window, jerking Levi awake for the third time since they had both retired for the night. Erwin heard the _thunk_ of Levi’s head hitting against the wall in his exasperation at his inability to relax.

“Levi,” he called, rolling towards the source of the noise, “I won’t be able to sleep if you keep doing that. Just get into bed.” There was a pause. Then the sound of metal straps unbuckling and the swish of clothes being folded. Then a slight-framed body climbed into bed with him, pulling his own blanket over the thick comforter covering them and securing it around them both.

“Mmmmmm,” Erwin hummed in satisfaction, trying to manoeuvre Levi into a little spoon position. But the smaller man was having none of it. Levi scooted closer towards him and placed a light kiss on one cheekbone. “Levi?”

“We’ve cuddled plenty.” Levi’s hand slipped into Erwin’s sleep pants, trying to coax him to hardness, “Let’s fuck.”

Erwin felt his loins instantly stir at the suggestion and the brush of inquisitive fingers against him. Wishing that he could give into his own desires, Erwin groaned and forced himself to remove Levi’s hand from his pants.

It did not have the expected effect.

“What the fuck, Erwin?” Levi sounded angry.

“Levi, I’m just tired and-“

“Fuck off. I don’t believe you. I felt you get hard. Why haven’t you touched me since we came back?” Levi had been testing him.

Really not wanting to have this conversation in the dark, Erwin got up and struck a match, lighting the kerosene lamp at his desk and bringing it over. He still wasn’t certain about revealing the true reason for his reluctance, lest he send Levi into a panic about his seizures. The dark-haired man wasn’t a complete hypochondriac, but he valued his health and stressing over it could prolong his recovery. Of course, Erwin knew this was all complete conjecture.

“I thought you would want to go slow.”

“Well, this is plenty fucking slow.” Levi paused. “I used to hardly be able to sleep in this bed for you pawing at me and trying to get in my pants all night long. And now you just want to hold me like a child. Is it because of….?” He trailed off.

“It’s not because you were incontinent, no.” Erwin hastened to reassure him on that point

“Then what is it?” Levi’s eyebrows were drawn with perplexity, “Is there someone else?”

“No, absolutely not,” Erwin hadn’t considered that the thought would have entered Levi’s head. They were practically inseparable now. When would he possibly have time to seduce anyone else?

“Then what is it?!” Levi snapped, getting out of the bed, “Is this all just a fucking game to you? Just to get me in your bed once? Another notch on your bedpost?”

Erwin’s face was creased with distress. “Levi, no. I mean, I can’t deny that at first it was to try and get closer to you-“

“Tcch,” The expression on Levi’s face darkened further, and he swept over to his neatly folded clothes and began to redress.

“-but that’s not what it became.” Internally, he was screaming at himself to shut up and stop making things worse.

“What, so now you’ve had me, you’re bored of me? Is that it? Or perhaps I’m no fucking good?” Levi's face displayed resentment at being spurned yet again without a good explanation. 

“No, Levi. That’s not-“

“I gave you something of myself I’ve never given to anyone!” Levi shouted, fists clenched, “I trusted you.” Erwin felt his heart clench. Boots went on angrily, the belts and his cravat. Then Levi made for the door. “I’m not just going to be your fucking cumrag whenever you fancy it.”

Erwin stood and tried to wish away the argument. “Where are you going?”

“I’ll go to medical. I’d rather be anywhere right now than with _you_.” And with that, he slammed the door hard behind him, rattling the windows in their panes.

Sitting down heavily on the edge of the now cold and empty bed, Erwin put his elbows on his knees and his head into his hands.

Fuck.

That had not been how he’d wanted this to go.

Frustration bit at him, made worse by still being way too fucking hard from Levi briefly touching him. He decided an angry jerk-off session was the only solution to calm himself down and get back to sleep.

 _I don’t need him_ , he told himself. The last while had been stressful; with no sex, fretting about Levi’s health and having to try and keep everything between them a secret from their other companions, Erwin had been struggling to deal with the strains and pressures of the relationship. He hated the idea of having to keep constantly on his toes, lest someone find out that he was having a homosexual relationship with one of his subordinates.

He knew that when he had a woman in his bed, the whole world could know. Would think well of him. Would celebrate him as a real man. He could take a woman to bed and they could make as much noise as they liked. _It’s a woman I really want,_ he decided. It was simply easier. And better. And natural.

He pitched himself angrily backwards onto the bed and thrust his hand into his pants, fisting his member and trying to conjure up the faces and bodies of previous female lovers. Their soft skin and full lips, their long hair and sweet smell.

Playing with the head of his cock, Erwin tried to recall a pair of ruby red lips wrapped around him. But the feel of an enthusiastic, rougher warm mouth kept invading his mind. Erwin wasn’t even sure why he was so attracted to the feisty soldier. Levi wasn’t exactly traditionally handsome in any sense. And he wasn’t like any other man he had bedded either. Levi was masculine, but there was something definitively feline in the curve of his eyes, and the sharpness of his chin that made him just want to-

 _Women_ , he reminded himself, _think of women_.

Moving his hand faster, he thought of Marie and her soft body. Of Lady Shelby and her enormous bosom. Of Lady Theole and how wet she had been between her legs when he had fingered her in the stables.

No passions were stirred in his loins at all. He felt himself grow soft despite his best efforts. Frustrated, he turned his head to the side so his cheek was against the soft blanket Levi draped round himself at night. Reflexively, he inhaled deeply. The smell of lemon, bergamot and Levi’s own natural scent entered his nostrils and set his mind alight; memories of their short time together re-lived themselves, sparked by the pheromones lingering on the covers.

In general, Erwin avoided looking at or memorising others’ faces during the act. It did nothing for him.

Usually.

But now, in his mind’s eye he could vividly see himself looking down when Levi had been blowing him, and watching the man’s exquisite face and slim shoulders. As if the other were here right now with him, Erwin could see Levi’s face screwed up with concentration during their literacy lessons; the glint of his grey eyes in the candlelight; the relaxed, youthful countenance of his face in sleep. He remembered Levi’s determined expression when flying through the air in gear, graceful as any bird. How Levi looked and smelled so damn good when covered with sweat after a good workout. Erwin felt his groin tighten with arousal, felt himself grow hot and heavy in his own hand.

Really, the truth frightened him too much to admit. The truth was that now he had no desire for anyone who wasn’t-

“Levi,” he groaned as he came messily over his own stomach.

~~~~

Levi spent the next two days successfully avoiding Erwin. When their paths finally did cross again, he had reverted to behaving defensively and wary around Erwin. All the progress they’d made was completely undone. It was possibly even worse than it had ever been. Observing the brooding figure in the dining hall, Levi had reverted back to complete mistrustfulness of everyone, choosing to sit alone, eyes searching others over for concealed weapons or covert signs of aggression like he had when he had first come to the corps.

Erwin knew he had to put a stop to it before it got out of hand.

“Levi, come to my office.” Erwin winced internally; he hadn’t meant it to sound so imperious.

It awarded him a sneer in return. “Is that an order, _sir?_ ”

“If it has to be.” Erwin turned and headed towards his office, confident that Levi would follow him. The younger man had once told him how he had trained himself to move quietly in his youth; being able to tread almost silently made stalking and heists easier if no one could hear you coming. It made it almost impossible for Erwin to hear whether there were indeed footsteps behind him. But once he reached his office door, Erwin turned and the other was there; he held the door for Levi, who stepped into the room, arms folded across his chest. He didn’t sit down. He just glared at Erwin, eyes cold and mouth in a tight line.

Sitting at his desk, Erwin sighed and put his fingers to his temples. “I think I’ve been an idiot.”

Levi continued to stare at him. His grey eyes spoke agreement.

Erwin took a breath and decided to not beat about the bush and just tell the truth. “I’ve been avoiding intimacy with you for fear that it will make you have another seizure.”

“What?” That caught Levi off-guard. “What?” he repeated, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He regarded Erwin warily, taking a moment before speaking again. “Is _that_ what happened after we….”

“Yes,” Erwin confessed, folding his hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you why I've been reluctant to be too intimate. I blame myself for aggravating your head injury and making you have another seizure, and now I don’t know how to proceed.”

Being on the defensive, Erwin was annoyed to feel himself slip into overly formal language with Levi, instead of the casual way they normally conversed with each other since growing closer. 

"I had another seizure?" Looking embarrassed and unable to meet Erwin’s eye, Levi asked, "So is that why I..... you know...?" 

"Yes," Erwin was astonished. Did Levi really not know? "Yes you had a seizure in your sleep. I woke up and you were having a fit. When you were incontinent it was all an accident Levi, like I said at the time. You had no control over it. What did you think had happened?" 

Levi shrugged, "Thought maybe my dick had stopped working. Explains why you brought the doctor I suppose." 

"Oh, Levi. I'm sorry, I thought you knew what had happened," 

The dark head nodded almost imperceptibly. “So the doc told you we shouldn't fuck either until the two months is up?”

Erwin spluttered, “Levi I didn’t tell him what we had been doing immediately before. Do you think I wanted us to both get court marshalled?”

“I dunno, my memory of that night is so foggy. I don’t know what you might have told him.” Levi paused again. “So what you’re telling me is that this new Erwin, this ‘regular boy scout’ act you’ve had going on, is purely for my benefit? And based on your fear that it was your fault?”

"Yes," Erwin felt honesty was now the best policy. He put his hands flat on the desk and looked his angry little lover straight in the eye. “Levi, there are a lot of things I don’t know in this world. Even I can admit that I don’t know everything-“

“Tccch,” Levi looked away.

“-but I know this. I’ve wanted to bend you over this desk for a long, long while now.” Erwin saw Levi’s eyes flicker to the desk and remain there for a second too long. Holding Levi’s gaze, he continued, “I think about you constantly. I imagine you on your back in my bed.” Grey eyes glanced over at the bed. “I imagine you kneeling between my legs sucking me off again.” Those same eyes looked down, almost as if he were trying to look through the desk at where Erwin’s crotch would be. “I dream about you. I touch myself thinking about you.” Erwin’s hands had unconsciously clenched into fists. "Trust me, if I felt I didn’t have to refrain, then I wouldn’t. I would be fucking you cross-eyed every night until you couldn’t close your legs anymore.”

Levi continued to stand and stare at him as he spoke, expression unreadable, but softer than it had been. With Erwin’s final declaration, a determined look flashed across his face. Then he turned about face.

“Wait here. Go nowhere. I’ll be back.”

“Where are you going?”

Levi threw a brief look over one shoulder. “To get some fucking answers.”

And with that, Levi turned tail and left the room. Erwin stared after him, unconsciously moving a hand up to brush his eyebrows.

~~~

“You’ve followed all the advice pretty well I think,” Hanji commented. Levi had stalked up to them in the middle of the rec room and demanded a quiet word. Initially, Hanji was convinced they had offended Levi in some way, and couldn’t figure out exactly what they had done this time to piss the volatile man off. He had seemed especially frustrated and angry for the last two days. Upset, almost. But, it transpired that this time Levi really _had_ come simply for some advice.

However, Hanji’s ‘hidden agenda alarm’ was sounding loudly, and they were determined to find out what this surprise conversation really was all about.

Levi leaned his elbows onto his knees, unable to meet Hanji’s gaze. “Should I be avoiding any…..uh……any _other_ activities?”

“Like what?”

Levi looked exasperated, “Like, I dunno. Beating off?”

“Bwahahaha!”

Looking offended and embarrassed, Levi stood angrily, “Forget I asked,”

“Hey,” stopping laughing, Hanji reached out and touched Levi’s arm lightly to stay him, “I wasn’t laughing _at_ you. Just the bluntness.” Levi looked unconvinced. “Why don’t you tell me what you’re really worried about?”

Levi opened his mouth to reply, then shut it again. He wasn’t sure whether it was such a smart idea to tell someone about his technically illicit night time activities. And he didn’t know whether Erwin would be upset at it being known that he had such proclivities.

“I…..uh…..well……..” he started, eloquently. “There’s this other person….”

“Uh huh,” Hanji nodded, encouragingly.

“And we……..well……..you know……”

“I think so,” Hanji nodded again, reading between the lines. “You are in a relationship with someone, yeah?”

“Yes. Sort of. And we…….have been……..avoiding…..you know…”

“Sex?”

“Yes.” Levi looked relieved at not having to actually voice the word.

“Because you’re worried about having another seizure?” How did Hanji possibly guess all of that?

“Yeah. Well no. He….. I mean _she_ is.” Levi coughed dramatically to try and hide his error, “So, is that the right thing to do?”

Hanji settled on giving a supportive smile, trying to hide the amused one fighting desperately to plaster itself across their face. “I’ve never heard that it could be a problem. It’s probably worse being worried and worked up about it. Plus if it’s making you fight, then that’s additional stress you don’t need.”

“I didn’t say it was making us fight,”

“You don’t have to.” Hanji smirked, “You’ve been in an even shittier mood than normal. Although I guess that could be just because of the blue balls.”

Levi regarded them with his usual unimpressed expression. “I’m annoyed because they’re being an idiot.”

“Well, just reassure them that some happy time will do you the world of good. And Levi-“ Hanji placed a gentle hand on his knee, to stop him momentarily before he made off to immediately bang this other mystery person, who was almost certainly Erwin Smith.

“Yes?”

“Thank you for coming to ask me. I’m touched that you trust me enough.”

“Well….umm…….yes…..OK.”

~~~

A resounding _bang_ filled the room. Levi booted the door open effortlessly, stalked in and slammed his hands down on the table facing Erwin.

“Who is the smartest person you know?”

Erwin was pretty sure the right answer wasn’t supposed to be himself. “Hanji?”

“And would you listen to their advice?”

“In general, yes.”

“Good.” Levi moved around the desk and grabbed the front of Erwin’s shirt with both hands , pulling him up from the chair. Despite their size difference, Levi could throw Erwin around with ease; in one motion, he had moved the blonde through to the bedroom and forced him down on the mattress.

“Levi-“

“Shut up,” Levi mounted the bed, straddling Erwin and starting to unbutton the bigger man’s shirt. “They recommend kissing and making up. And more. If you’re up to the job.”

Erwin’s mouth hung open. Levi’s glare turned into a seductive little smirk.

“Time to make good on your promise, hot stuff.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh, Erwin's getting in too deep. I don't think he meant for this to happen!
> 
> Sorry to leave it on such a cliff hanger, but it would be a really super long chapter and I'd rather do a really good long sex scene than mash it down into a short and uninspiring one at the end of a chapter.


	12. Gebranntes Kind scheut das Feuer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin stood for a minute, contemplating his life while watching Levi fiddle with the shower settings. When Erwin had first clapped eyes on this speedy thug in the dark cavernous underground, never in a million years could he have anticipated anything like this. When Nile had first told him about the hit Lobov had out on him, and the talent of the assassin he had chosen, none of them could have contemplated what it would have led to. 
> 
> Erwin remembered the stab of arousal he had just watching Levi fly for the first time. Remembered the anticipation he had felt while waiting for him to strike, and then the annoyance at watching Levi waste away after his first mission, mired in his depression. Finding in this man an utterly compatible sexual partner who also enjoyed cleaning up after him, feeding him (and who possibly also did his laundry, although he had no definitive proof of that yet) and who in addition could defeat titans without batting an eyelid, seemed like some sort of impossibly weird pipe-dream. 
> 
> He pinched himself just to check it wasn’t. If he ever met Lobov again, Erwin felt he might have had to shake his fucking hand in gratitude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel super bad leaving you all hanging at the end of that last chapter, sorry!
> 
> So to make it up to you, here is an extra long chapter (for me anyway) to enjoy with some lovely man-on-man action!
> 
> As a warning,the start is a bit dark, so I've updated tags. This scene is purely something I think might have had the potential to happen, but absolutely may not have.

Flat on his back, with Levi crouched above him kissing him breathless, Erwin felt the weight of his worries lift from his shoulders. He could feel the evidence of Levi’s arousal against his stomach, and for the first time in weeks he allowed himself to harden fully against Levi, unable to prevent his hips bucking up to try and gain some friction.

Before losing himself completely in the other man’s arms, Erwin remembered one of Levi’s specific requests from when they had discussed sex before.

Between kisses, Erwin managed to gasp out, “I promise I’m really not trying to stall us this time, but I assume you want to shower first?”

Levi desisted for a minute and considered the question, smirking down at him, “You know just what to say to turn a guy on, blondie.”

Once in the shower, they let their hands roam freely. Levi had his fingers tangled loosely in Erwin’s hair, and was standing on tiptoes, stretched up and delightfully taut against Erwin’s body. Erwin had his own hands busy stroking the globes of Levi’s ass and upper thighs, squeezing gently to test the give of the muscle beneath the skin. He loved it when there was plenty of ass to grab. His own was sadly lacking, despite many years of performing squats and ski-sits.

Desperate to move this to the bed and not just finish in the shower, Erwin performed a brisk wash and dry before gripping Levi’s head between his hands and kissing him, steering him backwards out of the bathroom and towards the bed. Forcing himself to stop for a moment, Erwin stripped the bed of the cover and laid down some towels.

Levi started to look a bit apprehensive. “Is it always messy?” Levi asked nervously.

“No, but it’s certainly more fun when it is.” Levi looked unconvinced, and Erwin couldn’t help but laugh at his expression of distaste. “Come here,” he patted the mattress beside him, and Levi willingly sat beside him, then swung his legs round to lie down on his back on the towels, moving his legs slightly apart and looking up at Erwin expectantly.

He was unable to hide the pleased expression on his face at Levi's eagerness and willingness to take the role of the receptive partner. They hadn't really discussed position preference in detail, but luckily Levi seemed more than content with their current dynamic and Erwin taking control. Certainly, Erwin was glad to not have to fight or bargain with Levi for the top position. 

He tapped on the man's straight legs, "Bend your knees,"

Levi pulled his heels in towards himself.

"Good. Now bring one knee up to your chest and let the other one flop outwards," 

Silently, Levi did what he was told. Now Erwin fit comfortably between the slim thighs and had an accessible target

He reached over to his bedside drawer and took out a small bottle of unscented oil, drizzling it generously over the fingers of his right hand. Levi watched him apprehensively, eyes darting from his eyes to his lips, as if looking for a hint of an expression that might show intent to harm or turn violent.

"You've done this before, right?" He asked nervously. 

Erwin nodded, "Yes. I've been on the top and the bottom on varying occasions. I love being on top, and I know how to make this feel good for you."

Bending forwards, he began to gently kiss along Levi's clavicle, moving along from shoulder to neck, his skin warm and delicious from the hot shower. He worked an arm under the slight man to hold him close, and in turn he felt a small arm come up around his broad shoulders. Kissing Levi’s neck sloppily, he brought his slicked hand up between Levi’s legs and pressed up gently, searching for the small ring of muscle hidden between them. It was tense and he certainly wasn't going to be able to get even one finger in. 

"I'm not going to hurt you," Erwin said gently, kissing the shell of Levi's ear to try and relax him. "I'll be gentle and it won't be painful. Sometimes there can be mild discomfort at first, but I'll stop and let you acclimatise if that's the case." 

"How long does that take?" 

Erwin hummed, "It's variable. But there's no rush. It will take as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable. Now, relax and push down." 

A narrow eyebrow quirked up, "Push what down?" 

"Bear down, as if you were using the bathroom." 

At this, Levi's eyebrows disappeared up into his bangs and Erwin stifled a laugh at the look of shock.

"Trust me, " he implored. 

Levi nodded wordlessly and took a deep breath before doing as he was bid. Pleased, Erwin placed his mouth back against Levi's neck and brushed a fingertip against the entrance again, sure it would give this time. But just as he was about to attempt to slip a finger in, beneath his lips, he felt Levi’s pulse quicken. And then, oddly, he felt the skin go rapidly cool and sweaty. He stopped and looked up.

Suddenly, awfully, Levi’s face had gone utterly white. His lips had drained of colour, and were so pale they had practically vanished, and he had gone completely soft. Quickly, Erwin removed his hand, wiping the oil on the towel and laid it on Levi’s chest. He could feel the heart beneath it hammering wildly.

“Levi!?”

The younger man swallowed and looked at him, eyes confused and fearful.

“Fuck,”

“Breathe. It’s OK, you’re safe.” _What the….?_ Erwin hadn’t ever seen such a visceral reaction to being touched. _Have I done something wrong?_ _Again_? The only time he had seen anything similar was in soldiers who had seen terrible traumatic things, and had waking dreams where they would find themselves reliving experiences beyond the walls. “Slow, deep breaths.”

Levi did as he was bid and slowly, the colour began to return to his face, although he remained very pale and cool. His teeth began to chatter. Erwin raked his eyes across Levi, trying to determine what to do next, not really wanting to leave him alone on the bed.

“I’m going to get up and get the blanket. I’ll be straight back,” he promised, disentangling them and moving across the room quickly to retrieve the bedding. Throwing the cover over Levi, he lifted the corner and got under as well, coaxing an arm under the shivering man’s waist. “What happened? Did I do something wrong?” This had never happened to him with any partner in bed before, and Erwin wasn’t certain what had gone so terribly wrong so very quickly.

Levi was rubbing his eyes and forehead, looking frustrated. “Just give me a minute.” He rolled away from Erwin and then scooted backwards into him, pulling Erwin’s other arm across himself. Erwin closed the embrace, deciding it was best to wait and say nothing. His erection had long since died. After a few minutes, Levi took a deep sighing breath and spoke.

“I’m sorry,”

“Don’t apologise, did I go too fast?”

“No, you did what I told you to. I just….” Levi took a shuddering breath and smacked his hand against his forehead, shaking his head “Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why would it happen with you? Fuck.”

“Why would what happen? Levi?” Concern battled with curiosity. The smaller man was shaking his head. Perhaps forcing an answer out of him was unwise. “You don’t have to tell me-“ Erwin felt he ought to say, “not if you don’t want to.”

“I want to tell you. I think. Otherwise you’ll be an idiot and blame yourself and never touch me again.” They lay in silence for another minute; Erwin could almost hear the whirring of thoughts round and round in the dark head before him. He placed a gentle kiss in the black hair and waited.

Finally, Levi spoke. “Remember I told you…….what my mom was?”

“Yes,”

“And that when she was…….uh……working, I would sit in the corner?”

Unease crept further into Erwin. This felt like it was going somewhere very dark indeed. Erwin felt his grip tighten unconsciously around the other man.

“Yes, I remember.”

“Well, there was this one day where she left the room to get something, or talk to someone." Levi shrugged, "I dunno. Probably her John. Anyway, there was a man in the room she was going to sleep with once she was back. I was supposed to stay quiet and not let customers see me. But he must have heard me, or saw me maybe, and grabbed me.”

Erwin purposefully tried to make his own breathing very shallow and quiet as he listened, not wanting to interrupt Levi’s flow with erratic breathing. He felt like he was hardly shifting any air at all. His own skin felt cold as the unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach grew.

Impssively, the younger man continued, “I don’t remember exactly what happened next, but the next thing I remember I was undressed on the bed, and he was pressing against me.”

This was worse than Erwin could have possibly imagined. A horrible heaviness had settled over his whole body. His eyes had gone wide with shock at the story. Levi was speaking so matter-of-factly, that it was hard to believe this could really have happened to him, and not some other boy, in some other time and place.

He felt like he wasn’t quite in his own body anymore, as his brain tried to grasp what had happened to the little boy in the story, who seemed completely devolved from the man here now in his arms. The sour taste of bile rose in his throat at the thought of an adult treating a child that way. 

“I must have cried out, because my mom came back in and kicked his sorry ass out." Levi gave a cold laugh, "It’s funny, she was _way_ stronger than she looked, especially when she was mad.”

Erwin attempted to smile despite his face feeling utterly rigid with disgust, “If she was anything like you, I’d be scared to cross her.” The smile came out all wrong, contorting his face into a horrid, toothy grimace, “How old were you?”

“I don’t know. It’s my first memory.”

Erwin felt numb. His own first memory was of running, carefree and clumsily on wobbly toddler legs to his beloved father when he came back from work one day; of being swept up and around, before being kissed and tickled breathless. He could feel his father’s beard against his own face as he was cuddled. The smell of summer grass and sunshine permeated the memory and gave it an almost dream-like quality.

“Afterwards I was like a fucking leech. She had to breastfeed me all day and I refused to let go.”

_You were a baby._

The miserable realisation made Erwin’s head spin, and he had to close his eyes. He must have been silent for too long, as he felt Levi shift against him and ask quietly, “Do you want me to leave?”

“What?” Fighting to come to his senses, Erwin tightened his grip even further. Wallowing in pity for Levi wasn’t going to do either of them any favours in this moment, “No, of course not. Why would I want you to leave?”

“Because…..because I’m broken? Because I won’t be able to satisfy you? Because I’m dirty?” a mirthless laugh broke out from Levi’s chest, “All of the above?”

“Will you look at me?” Coaxing Levi to turn round again, Erwin tried to make eye contact, but found Levi unwilling to look at him.

He cupped a hand to the slim, angular face, "What happened to you doesn’t make you dirty, or unclean.”

“Yes it does.” Levi urged. 

“It makes _him_ dirty. It makes _him_ unclean. Not you. What sort of sick pervert touches an infant?”

Breathing fast and shallow once again, Levi insisted nervously, "He might have given me one of those diseases. It's not like we could afford to go see a doctor or anything. Mom just cleaned me up and I've tried to stay clean ever since. What if I still have it and give it to you?"

Erwin's heart broke a little bit more at how this monster had damaged the man in his arms. This man, who was humanity's greatest hope; who had given his heart to them all. And yet, Erwin couldn't help but feel that perhaps this once, humanity didn't deserve it.

Levi continued to fret, "Or what if I'm physically permanently fucked up inside and we can't actually do it?" 

Although having only basic medical training, Erwin was almost completely sure that it was improbable for Levi to have gotten this far in life if there had been lasting damage, "I think it's unlikely that you would still have anything wrong with you. But if you're worried, the doctors here have a sexual health clinic."

"Hmmmm."

"You can think about it. Don't worry about it now." Erwin stroked his fingertips gently along the contour of Levi's bicep. "Is this why you feel compelled to clean all the time? Or why you don't like to touch yourself?"

Levi gave a frustrated sigh, clearly not wanting to be psycho-analysed, “Let's leave my neuroses aside for another day, Erwin; the main thing I'm worried about now is whether this is going to happen every fucking time we get close.”

“Plenty of men have a healthy relationship without ever having anal sex.” Erwin insisted.

“But you want it.”

“I _want_ you to _enjoy_ what we do. Not to just endure it. I’ll get nothing out of it either if you aren’t having a good time.”

“But I _want_ to do it too.” Levi scowled, “I don’t want that fucker to get in the way of what I want.”

Pleased at Levi’s spunk in the face of all he had endured, Erwin smiled and shrugged gently. “Well, we can still try. I just need to find the right way for you to relax into it.” They held each other for a minute. “Hey,” Erwin bumped their noses together affectionately, “I’m glad you told me. Thank you, I know that couldn’t have been easy.”

Levi managed to crack a small smile at him, “You looked terrified for a moment too. Did you think it was just that you were shitty in bed?”

Closing his eyes, Erwin smiled, “Ha! I was a bit worried of course. But you'll be pleased to know that I’ve been informed that I’m not bad.”

“Oh?” Lazy fingers traced the blonde hair on his chest, “How ‘not bad’ are you?”

“Very.”

“Hmmmm.” One small finger traced it’s way down to the coarser hair above his pubic bone. “I fully intend to find that out for myself. Just, maybe not right now,”

“No, I’m not feeling it right now either.”

“Sorry Erwin. I led you on and couldn't fucking follow it through,"

“Stop being sorry." He kissed Levi's forehead gently. "It'll happen when it happens. When we are both ready. And not before.”

~~~

For the next few nights, Levi slept in the chair. Despite desperately wanting to progress physically with the tall blonde, he felt too unsettled to try and sleep horizontally after his flashback. He was frustrated that his mind would fail him in this regard. It had all happened _so_ long ago. Why was his brain dredging it up _now_? Apart from his now dead mother, no one else knew what had happened to him as a child. Levi was still worried that perhaps he should never have even told Erwin. And yet, he had been pleased at the tender way Erwin had treated him since hearing about yet another tragic piece of his past. As nonsensical as it seemed, Levi couldn’t help but feel ashamed of how crap his life had been in the Underground compared to how Erwin’s charmed existence must have been here on the surface.

Truthfully, he was now afraid to make another move. As if having a fit after sex and wetting the fucking bed wasn’t bad enough, now he had to worry about lying like a dead fish whenever he was touched somewhere his psyche decided was out-of-bounds to Erwin.

Snorting out a breath of frustration at the pity-party he was throwing for himself, he decided to get up and do something productive. Maybe some light cleaning would take his mind off it all.

~~~~

About a week after their second disastrous attempt in bed, Levi had pulled Erwin from the paperwork at his desk and suggested a work out. Erwin stretched his shoulders back and cracked his neck, not realising how stiff he had become after sitting for much of the day. During some light PT, Erwin suspected Levi was getting his mojo back. The dark haired man had been not-so-subtly admiring him lifting weights, and seemed to be purposefully showing off during stretching. An attractive sheen of perspiration covered Erwin after his kettlebell session, and he was sure that he had heard Levi take a deep sniff of him as he sauntered past him casually to work on the punch bag.

But Erwin still felt hesitant; he already had the regret of hurrying things along once already. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.

"Want to shower in my quarters?" Erwin panted after a light spar. He had almost managed one hit on Levi, while the other man had danced gracefully around him avoiding all his other attempts. 

Despite having not actually broken a sweat, Levi seemed keen, "Yeah. Let's go." 

Once back in his rooms, Erwin fished out a bottle of massage oil and looked over at his sparring partner, “I have an idea.”

“Yeah?” Levi asked as he undressed, eyes fixed on him as he unscrewed the top and gave the oil a sniff. 

“How about a massage?” He had been considering ways to introduce intimate touch, put Levi at ease and warm him up for more. This felt like a good option, with the added benefit that Erwin would get to see the man's tight muscles gleaming under his hands. “And then you can wash it off after. I’ve got this really nice smelling oil to use. I think you’ll really like it.”

“I’ve never had a massage. Sounds fucking amazing though.” Needing no further prompting Levi walked to the bed and spread his towel down. Then got on his front, burying his face into the towel and putting his arms over his head.

Erwin bit his lip to hold back a chuckle at his enthusiasm. He took his own clothes off and moved to straddle Levi’s upper legs.

“Is this OK?”

“Yeth,” came the muffled reply.

Erwin moved Levi’s arms down to lie by his sides. He had picked up the bottle of lavender and arnica massage oil for his own use months before, when he went through a phase of having calf cramp in the mornings and needed to rub the knots out. This was definitely a much more fun use for it.

He squirted some of the oil onto his hand and set the bottle back. Warming it between his hands, he decided to start with some light stroking before moving on to trying to rid Levi of all the knotted tension that existed across his shoulders.

Settling his weight down more fully on the backs of Levi’s thighs, he allowed his penis to lie naturally between the curve of Levi’s buttocks. As it was flaccid, he hoped Levi wouldn’t mind too much.

As Erwin ran those talented hands across his back, Levi felt like he was melting into a puddle of goo. 

He’d never had a massage before. Had never really seen the draw of getting all greased up and have someone touch him like that. But suddenly, now that this handsome, tall blonde was suggesting it, it seemed like the best idea ever. His muscles ached nicely from the workout and a small coil of arousal had built in his belly watching how fit Erwin was. Seeing him lift weights shirtless was a gift. He loved watching those abs contract, and the muscles of his back strain during the lifts.

The top was popped off the oil bottle and the heady smell of lavender filled the air. It was definitely one of the best smells ever.

Erwin’s warm, calloused hands moved rhythmically and continuously along the planes of his back, skimming his skin and muscles with a pleasingly varied tempo and pressure. The large, relaxed palms moved in circular motions across the natural contours of his body, and Levi felt himself melt into the bed at the alternation of long, gliding strokes and kneading motions. Erwin was good at this. He must have done it before. Perhaps for other soldiers with injuries. Perhaps for past lovers. Silently, Levi thanked them all for allowing Erwin to become this good at forcing every ounce of tension out of him. He was pretty damn sure he had never been this relaxed ever, even when he slept. Perhaps Erwin could do this for him more often. And Levi was more than willing to offer to reciprocate and oil blondie up.

He felt Erwin shift above him, and move his weight higher up Levi’s body. Erwin’s cock now lay against his ass, heavy and warm despite being in it’s unaroused state. He found he didn’t mind.

Feeling Levi’s tension melt away having now worked all the knots out of his back, Erwin allowed his hands to travel lower and massage the globes of Levi’s ass. He grabbed the bottle of unscented oil and dribbled a bit at the top of Levi’s ass crack; the oil slowly made it’s way down and Erwin felt Levi squirm slightly underneath him. Glancing to make sure the younger man was alright, Erwin was pleased to see an aroused flush across the high cheekbones, and heard a small satisfied sigh issue from Levi’s lips. Deciding this was as good a moment as any, Erwin allowed blood to start to pool low in his belly and his cock slowly began to thicken; he was sure Levi would notice it grow hotter and heavier against his flesh.

“Fuck, ” the younger man gasped. 

Involuntarily, Levi’s hips bucked into the mattress as he felt the warm oil drip down to his most intimate body part. Erwin’s new-born erection was warm and hardening still further against him, and Levi’s skin was titillated by the long, talented fingers stroking him all over. He felt his own member harden in response to all the sensations of the moment: the smell of the lavender, the touch of his lover, the sound of Erwin’s increasingly heavy breathing. He turned his head as much as he could to look at the older man behind him. Erwin looked mightily pleased with himself, and Levi couldn’t help reciprocate a small smirk.

“I take it you’re enjoying this too then?”

“I _love_ touching you.” Erwin smoothed his hands across Levi’s shoulders as he spoke, “I could do this _all_ _day_.”

“I would say I wouldn’t mind, but my dick has a different idea in mind,” Levi gave a sly grin. “As so does yours, apparently.”

Erwin’s hands dipped down along the curve of Levi’s spine, down to his tailbone, then round the outside of his ass to his thighs. Those clever hands then moved inwards and up, slowly inching towards their goal.

Levi had closed his eyes to take in the pleasurable and intimate touch. He felt his ass cheeks being parted gently, then a thumb was lightly rubbing some of the oil in gentle circles around his opening. Arousal spiking ever higher, Levi began to pant with lust. “Put it inside me,”

Not ceasing his movements, Erwin asked, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, hurry up!”

“I’m not going to rush this, Levi. I want to savour every second.”

“This is fucking torture Erwi-” Levi gasped out the last syllable as an oiled finger slipped inside him and began to slowly rotate just within the tight sheath of muscle. “HhhnNnnn!” He tried his best to not just force Erwin back out again, but it was difficult. Almost as if he sensed this, Erwin slipped his finger further inside, which reduced the feeling to push somewhat.

 _‘Erwin is inside me…_ ’The thought was so odd and arousing that Levi struggled to actually speak. He could feel Erwin's thick finger moving inside, and then the tip began to focus on a spot on the front wall. It felt oddly pleasurable, in a way he had never really experienced before. It was different to playing with his cock, but equally nice.

The slow, firm pressure continued, and Levi realised he was just lying there not participating. Erwin didn’t seem to mind his lack of dynamism, and had leaned his weight forward so his front was now flush to Levi's back, and was laying gentle kisses along his neck and face. The blonde softly entwined the fingers of their left hands together, and the action felt as intimate as what Erwin’s other hand das busy doing. 

“You’re doing so well,” was crooned in his ear. Although he hadn’t immediately noticed, Levi now realised with horror that his own erection had gone completely soft, but for once it wasn’t for lack of arousal. He found he simply couldn’t manage to maintain it while thinking about being touched inside. Erwin was harder than ever, and Levi could feel pre-cum pooling on the small of his back. Normally, he was sure he would be disgusted, but the part of his mind that worried about such things seemed to have packed it’s bags and gone on vacation.

It was nice.

The touching way he was being held and talked to seemed to have an effect on the same sappy, emotional part of his brain that also enjoyed reading love poems. It was a shock to them both when wetness started to leak out of Levi’s eyes and trail slowly down his face.

He felt Erwin still above him.

“Levi?”

“I’m fine. I promise. I think this is because I’m having a good time. I can’t explain it. Don’t stop.”

Hesitantly, Erwin resumed the gentle and slow pressure inside him. Then Levi felt another large finger slipping in beside the first.

Holy fuck.

If one finger felt good, two fingers felt _divine_. The stretch only added to the pleasure. The arousal, the oil, the recent workout and the heat from Erwin’s body made Levi felt like he was on fire. He could hardly believe he could be this sweaty and oily and not give a shit. That someone had their fingers down there and was enjoying themselves doing it. That he himself was enjoying it.

Levi tried to reach under himself in an attempt to reawaken his cock, not wanting Erwin to think he wasn't enjoying himself, but the blonde stopped him.

“Don’t worry about that,”

“What?” He shot an incredulous look at the older man.

“Don’t focus on coming that way tonight. Just enjoy what I’m doing to you now.”

“I am enjoying it, I just thought….”

“I know, this is new to you, but trust me, if you touch yourself and chase your orgasm that way it’ll be over too quick,”

With that reassurance, Levi moved his hand back to Erwin’s, “Alright, I trust you,” _That_ earned him some sloppy neck kisses and increased the pressure from Erwin’s hips, the oil from the massage lubricating Erwin’s hardness as it slid gently between them against Levi’s lower back.

That talented mouth pressed against the nape of his neck, “I’m going to try a third, OK? Tell me if it’s too much.”

It felt undeniably good. But with three thick fingers stuffed in him and pressing against whatever it was inside him that Erwin was determined to pet, Levi suddenly had a horrible urge to piss.

“I’m going to piss myself if you keep doing that,” Levi heard his voice rise a pitch in panic. 

“No you won’t,” Erwin was trying to sound reassuring, “and even if you did, that’s what the towel is for. That’s how it’s supposed to feel.”

~~~~

Erwin was beyond delighted at Levi’s receptivity to his ministrations. He had offered the massage with no predetermined ideas of where it would head. And now he had half his hand buried inside the gorgeous man beneath him. The tears had initially worried him a bit, but he had seen a similar reaction before from inexperienced partners. Levi had assured him that he was fine, and he believed him. The younger man's behaviour was utterly different from the last time, and Erwin had no reason to doubt that it was simply an unusual reaction to enjoying their coupling.

The first tension he felt was when Levi had told him that he thought he might wet the bed.

“I’m going to piss myself if you keep doing that,” came his panicked voice. 

“No you won’t,” Erwin kept his voice steady and reassuring, “and even if you did, that’s what the towel is for. That’s how it’s supposed to feel.”

With his long and experienced fingers, it had been easy to find Levi’s prostate and begin stimulating it gently. He began light, rubbing and pulsing his fingertips gently against the small gland, and was thrilled to feel it begin to swell and firm up a bit. Some men weren’t really into this type of sex; in fact, he hadn’t met one in over a decade who he didn't have to fight over for the top position. Erwin silently thanked any and every God that was out there for sending him this wonderful man who lay beneath him, happily thrusting himself back onto Erwin’s fingers. Some men didn’t seem capable of coming this way. Erwin certainly never had, though not for lack of trying. And being the receptive partner just never felt all that appealing to him.

It gratified him that Levi was enjoying this so much. Although he had been honest when he had told Levi that he was still interested in being intimate in other ways, even if he never got to be inside the other man, Erwin had been undeniably sad that anal might be off the table completely. There was something special about the rhythmic intimacy that came with being joined; of sensing a partner's excitement from within their own body and being able to release into their tight warmth. He grinned. Now that they had progressed to fingering, it suggested that in the fullness of time that he might get his chance and that full penetrative sex might yet occur. 

When Levi had attempted to grab his own dick earlier, Erwin stayed his hand, knowing that it would divert the inexperienced man’s attention away from the lazy waves of pleasure building within him. He so wanted this to be as good for Levi as it was for him, and he definitely didn’t want it to end prematurely. Erwin had no intention of entering Levi fully tonight; that felt like something they needed to work towards. For now, he was more than content to attempt to finger Levi to orgasm and milk him of everything he had to give.

The tense gland under his fingertips seemed full to bursting now, and Levi was writhing under him, all uncoordinated movements and trembling limbs.

Not long now.

Keeping up the same rhythm, he put his lips to Levi’s ear, “Deep breaths, from your diaphragm. Don’t chase it. It may not happen tonight and that’s fine.”

“NnnHhNNN!” But it certainly looked like it might. Erwin had never seen another man this affected by a good prostate rub. But then, Levi had said that he didn’t masturbate much, so maybe there wasn’t that reliance on penile stimulation that most men had.

Voice heady with lust, he growled into Levi’s ear, “One day soon, I’m going to open you up slowly like this and then when you are nice and loose I’ll slip my cock inside you and pound you into the bed.”

Levi groaned deeply, unable to speak. His eyes were shut and sweat was rolling off him. Where Erwin was pressed to his lover's back, he could feel the tempo and strength of his heartbeats rising as Levi's excitement mounted. 

He gave a small suck to Levi’s earlobe, “I’ll make you come from just my cock in your ass, and then when I feel you squeeze around me, I’ll pour my load into you."

Suddenly, Levi went rigid and held his breath. Erwin felt the nub under his fingers go rock hard and contract slightly, pulsing in time to the shaking at the backs of Levi’s thighs. The entrance around Erwin’s fingers squeezed tight over and over again, and Levi’s body rocked itself against the bed.

“ERWIN!!” The shout echoed through the room. If he had the sense of mind to think about it, Erwin would have cringed thinking about who might have heard his name being screamed so loudly at night by an unmistakably male voice.

Erwin’s hard member, which had been lazily rubbing against Levi’s well-oiled back, became trapped tight between their bodies. Overcome with lust at what he had wrung from Levi, Erwin was unable to hold anything back and came hard, pumping his hips against his writhing lover’s back and releasing his load messily to mix with the oil that had pooled along with the sweat their bodies had created. 

He didn’t stop moving his hips or his fingers inside Levi until he felt the contractions around the digits weaken and stop. Erwin pulled his hand out, wiping his fingers on the towel and turned the now limp and relaxed figure beneath him over onto his back. Unable to help the happy sex smile on his face at seeing the satisfied expression on his lover, Erwin wrapped the other man up in his arms and they lay against each other, breathing settling and racing hearts slowing to normal.

With his dark hair plastered to his forehead with sweat, Levi still had his eyes shut when he said, “That…… was fucking amazing.”

Feeling immensely smug and pleased with himself, Erwin’s smile widened to show off beautifully straight teeth. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. Though I don’t think you could possibly have enjoyed it as much as me.”

One grey eye cracked open, “Are you kidding me? I’ve never come that hard in my fucking life. If it even _was_ coming. I have no idea _what_ that was, exactly.”

“It’s sort of like coming, just from inside,” It wasn’t the best explanation. “Perhaps I could draw you a diagram later.”

“Your pillow talk is awful,” Levi swatted at Erwin’s lower back, unable to reach his butt with his short arms.

They exchanged slow, wet kisses for a while, hands stroking and petting flushed skin, but it soon became clear that Levi wanted up from the wet and oily towel on the bed. He stretched contentedly once he was up to his full height of five foot nothing, and smacked Erwin playfully on the ass on their way to the shower.

Erwin stood for a minute, contemplating his life while watching Levi fiddle with the shower settings. When Erwin had first clapped eyes on this speedy thug in the dark and cavernous underground, never in a million years could he have anticipated anything like this. When Nile had first warned him about the hit Lobov had out on him, and the talent of the assassin he had chosen, none of them could have imagined what it would lead to.

Erwin remembered the stab of arousal he had just watching Levi fly for the first time. Remembered the anticipation he had felt while waiting for him to strike, and then the annoyance at watching Levi waste away after his first mission, mired in his depression.

Finding in this man an utterly compatible sexual partner who also enjoyed cleaning up after him, feeding him (and who Erwin suspected was also doing his laundry, although he had no solid proof of that yet) and who in addition could defeat titans without batting an eyelid, seemed like some sort of impossibly weird pipe-dream. He pinched himself just to check it wasn’t. If he ever met Lobov again, Erwin felt he might have had to shake his fucking hand in gratitude.

Levi’s grey eyes regarded him lazily, “Let me wash your hair. I’ve always liked your hair.”

Erwin smiled, “If you insist.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that first bit was hard and sad to write. I think all the SnK characters are a bag of traumas and memories that affect all of their behaviours and choices in the series. This is just my personal explanation for Levi's germophobia and need to clean.
> 
> The sex scene was mega fun to imagine. I never used to believe in the whole p-gasm thing, but it seems to be an actual real phenomenon so I'm more than happy to include it in our favourite gays love life together.
> 
> Anyway, if you like/dislike etc please let me know in the comments. I try and reply to all of them and am grateful for the time spent writing them to me!


	13. Männer und Bier immer von unten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He picked up a pillow and hurled it as hard as he could, short-range it at Levi, who clearly hadn’t been expecting this at all. 
> 
> As the bag of feathers flew through the air, Erwin saw Levi's expression change in slow motion, and couldn’t help but suspect Levi might have been joking about the pillow fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fancied doing a chapter where they just have a really fun time together. I don't think the two of them had much time to go out and have a jolly, particularly after the wall fell. But at this point in the story, I think they might have had a bit more downtime together away from work.
> 
> The title is my play on the German proverb 'Frauen und Bier immer von unten' which means women and beer; always toast from below. This is a German saying that is particularly common in the south of the nation when you toast with wheat beer. With a wheat beer glass you hit the bottom with a toast because the glass is most stable there. I'll leave you to imagine how one would toast a woman from below ! In this case of course, it's not a lady that Erwin would like to toast from!
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

“Let’s do something really nice for your birthday,”

Levi looked up from his newspaper and toast, “My what?”

Erwin was smiling at him like an excited puppy from across the long trestle table in the dining hall. The normally over-busy Squad Leader had managed to make it to breakfast that morning; a real novelty for Levi who often ended up bringing cold leftovers to Erwin’s room to remind him to eat.

“Your birthday? How old will you be?

He shrugged and shook the paper out as he turned the page, “Dunno. I think I’m 25 now.”

Being now the ripe old age of 35, Erwin couldn’t help but feel slightly over the hill on hearing this information. He had never really expected to have a serious relationship with someone _so_ much younger than him. But on the other hand, knowing that he was attractive enough to snare this young, fit and talented man made him feel youthful and virile.

“It’s not as if we have any duties for the next couple of weeks over the depths of winter. Getting away together might be fun.” it was hard to keep the eagerness out of his voice. 

Levi smirked at him round his tea, “Look at you willing to slack off for a bit. Gonna slum it like the rest of us, huh?”

Leaning both forearms on the table, Erwin’s eyes glimmered with excitement, “We could go and stay somewhere else, and have a couple of days in town. What do you think?”

~~~~

Nobody had told Levi that having a ‘boyfriend’ would be so astronomically good for him. And never could he have imagined it would be Erwin Smith, his one-time previous assassination target; the likely future Commander; the corps golden poster boy. Now _his_ tall, handsome, blue-eyed golden poster boy. Levi had to admit, he was pretty glad he hadn’t killed him now. Most of the time.

One morning at breakfast, Erwin had slid a piece of paper towards him. It was a booking for a wine tasting that Erwin had been talking about for weeks now. Levi’s two month period of enforced medical abstinence from alcohol had officially ended, and he was now permitted to live life normally again, thank fuck. He didn’t particularly miss the booze; it did nothing for him. But he _had_ missed flying in the ODM. How wonderful it had felt to soar through the air again and train normally.

“Please say you’ll come?” Erwin had turned on the big-blue-eyed puppy-dog look that the rat bastard _knew_ Levi struggled to say no to. But in all seriousness, he had no real intention of turning him down. Although wine and alcohol in general was never really his thing, he wanted to see golden boy get trashed. And he liked making Erwin happy.

“Can we stay somewhere nice?”

“Of course!” Erwin looked thrilled, “I wouldn’t pick somewhere horrible, I promise.”

So in early December, there they were- on their way on horseback to town with overnight bags. It was freezing, and over their civvies they wore long thick coats with furred hoods to block out most of the chill. At least it wasn’t windy.

“Let’s drop the bags off and get something to eat.” Stabling the horses locally, Erwin gestured towards a smart looking building, with the homely name ‘The Busy Geese’. The inn was warm and welcoming. While Erwin checked them in, Levi ran a finger along the mantelpiece in the lobby, noting the lack of dust. And the plethora of framed photographs of geese. Someone really fucking loved geese.

“Acceptable.” He murmured, wondering if there really were geese around somewhere. But he couldn't hear any.

Erwin seemed to be engrossed in conversation with a bald man who presumably owned the establishment.

“I’m sorry,” Baldy sputtered, looking red and sheepish, “there’s been a mix up. I only have one room left and it has only one bed.” Although Erwin had booked a two-bed room for propriety’s sake, Levi had hoped he had only really planned on using one of them. To his credit, Erwin made a good pretence at annoyance. After profuse apologies, the balding manager took them to their room, then proceeded to bring up a mountain of extra bedding and pillows, building them a fucking wall on the bed to separate the two sides from each other. Levi’s disgust at seeing the spare duvet being dragged on the floor behind the manager had sent Erwin into a helpless spiral of laughter, and the blonde hid himself in the bathroom until he was able to catch a grip.

Gripping the sink, Erwin regarded himself in the mirror. Tears of laughter were streaked down his face. His crow’s feet and wrinkles were more pronounced than usual from how hard he had been laughing.

When he came out again, Levi was alone in the room and tossing the pillows off the bed onto the couch.

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Erwin asked, “What are you doing?”

“I won’t sleep in a giant pillow fort, Erwin. What are we? Teenage girls having a sleepover? Perhaps we need to start with a pillow fight first? ”

Playfulness seizing him, Erwin bellowed as loudly as if he were leading troops beyond the walls, **“I’ve trained my whole life for this moment! Prepare for battle!”**

He picked up a pillow and hurled it as hard as he could, short-range it at Levi, who clearly hadn’t been expecting this at all. As the bag of feathers flew through the air, Erwin saw Levi's expression change in slow motion, and couldn’t help but suspect Levi might have been joking about the pillow fight.

Erwin's aim was true, and the pillow hit Levi full in the face. With a whoosh, it ripped at the seams and a cloud of feathers surrounded the slight figure. When it cleared, Erwin had to double over again with uncontrolled mirth. Multiple feathers stuck out of Levi’s hair at jaunty angles, and his expression was dark on seeing the mess of feathers all over the room. But the initial annoyance Levi felt was no match for how he felt watching Erwin shake with laughter, and soon he retaliated, bashing Erwin with another particularly plump pillow. He wrestled the blonde onto the floor, and straddled him, continuing to beat him with the bag of feathers.

“That’s not fair, I don’t have one!” Using one arm to defend himself, Erwin shot out the other arm and managed to grab a pillow, then began to fight back. He tried to roll them over and failed against the merciless onslaught above him. The smaller man's strength was impressive, and he also had gravity on his side. Erwin realised that he was never going to be able to win if he just tried to fight back as he normally would. Tossing the pillow to one side, Erwin switched tactics; reaching up, he tried to tickle Levi’s ribs. It seemed to work, as Levi’s arms shot down to his sides to protect himself, giving Erwin an opening to toss the smaller man to the floor under him. Pushing Levi’s arms above his head onto the floor, he linked their fingers and chuckled as he gazed down at him.

“I win.”

“Fucker.”

Erwin planted gentle kisses on his lover’s eyes and cheeks, trying to catch the breath he had lost between all the play-fighting and laughter.

Once they had both calmed down somewhat, Levi glanced around at the myriad feathers blanketing the room.

“I think I know what happened to all the busy geese.”

Erwin rumbled out a laugh, then stood up and offered Levi the hand of peace. Accepting it, he allowed himself to be hoisted up. Snorting back another laugh, Erwin watched as Levi examined his own reflection in the mirror, pulled the feathers angrily out of his hair and then went to ask the manager for a brush and pan.

~~~~

The wine merchant Blondie had chosen turned out to be a fairly high-end establishment. Levi had picked out his favourite leather belt, grey pants and dark blue shirt; he decided to leave the top buttons undone and forgo neck wear. He was glad he had worn his best for this trip, although he had done so more because this felt like a date and wanted to look good for Erwin than because he was particularly concerned about what anyone other than Blondie thought of him. Although Erwin hadn't quite said it was a date in so many words, that was how Levi chose to see this early birthday present. It was nice to celebrate it with his lover. 

In contrast, Erwin had gone reasonably casual, wearing a white t-shirt and a beige cardigan. It made him look relaxed and carefree for once, and Levi felt a twinge of sadness that he didn’t get to see enough of this side of Erwin.

“Welcome, gentleman!” On entering, a very posh-sounding man had sauntered up to them to take their coats and booking. “This way please.” He led them to a small wooden table, with a candle and multiple wine glasses.

“How many people are going to be sitting here?” Levi asked, concerned at the ratio of the table size to the number of glasses.

The man looked at him disdainfully. Levi wasn’t sure whether it was the question itself, or his unmistakable accent that had changed the man’s demeanour. Luckily, Erwin stepped in, and like a true gentleman pulled out his chair for him. “They’re all for us. All the different wines needs different types of glass.”

“No shit?”

The posh man’s eyes bulged a bit, but he managed to collect himself and forced a small smile. “I will bring out the first wine soon. I’m guessing sirs would like to start on white wines?”

“Sure,” Levi drawled.

The waiter came back with a trolley of wine bottles and poured them each out fifteen glasses of different coloured wines.

“You haven’t put very much in,” Levi swirled round the small amount that had been poured into his glass. Again, the waiter looked utterly affronted.

“And here is your spittoon,” the man flourished a wide-rimmed, metal receptacle. 

Aghast, Levi choked, “What for?”

"For spitting out the wine.”

The look Levi gave the waiter suggested that the posh man was quite, quite mad, "But-what the-why? We've paid to drink it, haven't we?"

"To avoid intoxication, of course." 

Regarding the multiple glasses, Levi shrugged, "It's gonna take more than this shit to get _me_ pissed." 

Even though he hadn’t yet had even one single sip, Erwin was still drunk on laughter from earlier, and he was struggling again not to break into a fit of giggles in the fine establishment at Levi’s crassness. He tried to control his breathing and held a hand to his mouth to try and stop the laugh escaping.

There was an awkward twenty minutes spent with the waiter learning the basic points of fine wine tasting, and Erwin had the distinct impression that Levi had very little interest in the clarity or complexity of the wine, and just wanted to get on to actually drinking it.

When the waiter left, and they now had a rake of wines to make their way through, Levi let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank fuck he’s gone. He seems to think I’m some sort of fucking moron. Trying to tell me which senses I need to use to drink booze.” Levi looked at Erwin earnestly, “I’m no wine expert, but I think even I could have fucking guessed that it would be taste and smell.” Unexpectedly, Levi pulled a silly face, making his voice a slightly higher pitch in imitation of the expert’s posh voice, _“Now you must listen to the wine, Erwin!_” He put his ear to the wine glass, closed his eyes and nodded his head slowly and facetiously, “Oh yeah, I hear it Erwin. The accent. It's as bad as mine. The grapes must be from that shitty neighbourhood around the corner from here.”

And Erwin was gone. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. Deep and sonorous and utterly uncontrollable, he felt the laughter bubble up and erupt from him with a mortifying _guffaw_. He felt as though he had never seen or heard anything as funny in his entire life.

Levi looked across at the blonde opposite him, who was now shaking silently and bent over double with laughter in his seat, unable to produce a single sound after his initial bray. Tears of mirth were streaming down his red face.

Levi smirked and continued, “Use _all_ your senses. Now you must touch the wine, Erwin.” Almost sacrilegiously, Levi dripped a finger in the wine and swirled it, “Oh yeah, baby!”

Seeing the waiter at the bar stiffen in outrage on observing Levi’s antics, Erwin lost it again. Lost total control over his whole body, which seemed to be intent on guffawing mercilessly until he was panting with the exertion.

“Stop!” The blonde demanded. “Please Levi, I can’t take any more!”

Temporarily taking mercy on him, Levi stayed silent and still for a while, watching others in the room and allowing Erwin to settle back into sanity. He was still feeling mischievous though. Looking at Erwin and pretending to be serious, he used his hand to waft the scent from the glass towards his face as the waiter had shown them, “Wow, actually I think I know what that toff was going on about now. It’s unmistakable. Can you smell it, Erwin?”

Erwin looked at him confused, then sniffed his own glass of wine. He clearly couldn’t detect anything.

“No, what is it?”

“Bullshit.”

~~~~

As the night progressed with no end in sight, Levi managed to learn to spit with the accuracy of a Garrison Sniper, and was slowly moving the spittoon farther and farther away from the table to see how far he could successfully aim from. He had a rosy glow to his cheeks that Erwin normally only saw in bed. Levi’s tolerance for booze was legendary, and Erwin was sure he’d never seen him intoxicated.

“You know, I’ve never been able to get this drunk before. Turns out I’ve been drinking wrong all these years in the Underground. All I needed to do was mix my posh wines. Silly me.” Levi swirled a viscous-looking wine slowly, watching the legs drip slowly down the inside of the glass. He looked up at Erwin. “Let’s play a drinking game.”

“Levi, we can’t play a drinking game during a wine tasting.” Erwin glanced around uncomfortably at the other patrons, who all looked distinctly upper-class and had probably never played a drinking game in their lives.

“Why not? Come on. Dare me to do something.”

“Like what?”

Levi looked thoughtful, “We can pretend to be enjoying this wine _way_ too fucking much. Whoever makes the loudest and most inappropriate sex noises while drinking this round wins. If I win, you aren’t allowed to spit _any_ of the wine from here on in.” Erwin swallowed hard. There was still a _lot_ of wine left to drink.

“Hmmm.” Erwin regarded him apprehensively. “And what will I get if I win?”

Levi’s eyes flashed daringly and he leaned across the table, prompting Erwin instinctually to lean in too. Putting his mouth right up to Erwin’s ear, Levi whispered, “I’m feeling generous this evening. If you win, Smith, I'll allow you to do what you've been gagging to do for weeks-I’ll let you lick my asshole tonight.”

Erwin felt his breath catch.

Without hesitation, the words left his lips. “You’re on.” 

Erwin was sure that he had never been more determined to win anything in his entire life.

~~~

Erwin was also pretty sure they were _never_ _ever_ going to be permitted to come back to this particular wine merchant. It had been completely worth it though.

The waiter looked relieved when the two men made to leave. Downing the last of both his own and Erwin’s wine, Levi stood and pushed the taller man towards the door, “Come on, let’s go to a regular tavern. My liver is still up for more.”

Erwin knew this was a terrible idea. So why wasn’t he saying no?

A pretty tavern beckoned them, and they decided to investigate. It wasn’t too crowded, and Levi went to buy drinks. When Erwin protested and offered to pay, Levi stayed him. 

“You got the last round.”

“Do you mean the five litres of wine each?”

“Yeah, it’s probably my turn now. Don’t expect anything so fancy though.”

There was a fine selection of whiskeys available, and it felt wrong not to try them.

“Fuck, Levi.” Erwin was taken aback, “a whole ladder _each_?”

“We’re on to whiskey tasting now.”

They settled into a comfy booth with their many, many whiskeys. Erwin groaned and put his head in his hands. “I’m not going to be able to get out of bed tomorrow.”

“Oh no,” Levi sounded devastated. “OK, more games. Whoever wins rock-paper-scissors gets a blow job tonight.”

“That’s not a game. That’s just chance. There’s no way someone can be actually good at it,” Erwin reasoned.

“Well, you’ve never seen me play.”

“Alright,” rolling up his sleeves, Erwin made to begin the game. “We’ll do thirty rounds and I absolutely guarantee you that approximately we will each win ten and draw ten.”

“Game on,”

So began a furiously paced game of rock-paper scissors. By round ten, Levi had his ten wins. But then he kept winning. Twenty rounds in, and Levi kept winning.

“What?!” Erwin gawked at him, “You must be cheating!?”

“How can I fucking cheat?” Levi smirked, “It’s a game of chance; you said so yourself. You’re just too fucking slow, old man.”

“I just need to clear my mind. I’m over-thinking it now.”

“You know,” Levi picked up his whiskey, swirling the amber liquid in it’s glass, “this old guy in the Underground once told me that you do better at this game if you think erotic thoughts.”

“I have never heard that one before.” Deciding it was worth a try, Erwin closed his eyes and pictured what he wanted to do that night. “OK, I guess there’s nothing to lose.” He screwed his face up in concentration. “Alright, I got it. Right. Let’s go.”

It didn’t work. Levi kept winning. Thirty rounds and he didn’t lose once.

“Are you even trying, blondie? Maybe you aren’t thinking erotic _enough_ thoughts?”

“Maybe you just have a dirtier mind than me.” Erwin teased.

“I don’t see how. You’ve been doing all this sex shit longer than me. In fact,” Levi lowered his voice, “when _did_ you lose your virginity?”

“Well, virginity is a social construct-“

“Shut up. When did you first get your rocks off with someone else?”

“I was fifteen.”

“Shit. So you’ve been banging people for twenty years?" Levi did some quick mental arithmetic. "That’s literally more than a hundred times longer than me. You must have lots of erotic images at the tips of your fingers. And now you have _me_ to think erotic thoughts about. How are you _not_ winning? I’m offended.”

“It’s undeniable, I have a long and illustrious career of pleasing my sexual partners,” Erwin sighed, pretending to look wistful.

“Who was it?”

“Do you really want to know?”

Levi looked thoughtful. “Maybe not. Was it a man or a woman?”

“A man.”

“I fucking knew it.”

~~~~

“Tell me a story.” Erwin was slumped over the table, trying to take his mind off the fact that the world was spinning all around him. And yet, he still had one hand firmly on a beer. And that hand kept bringing said drink to his mouth at regular intervals.

“What, is it fucking bedtime already? Are you like eight years old, blondie? I’m no good at stories.”

“Come on, for me?”

Levi paused and thought. “On the way here today I saw a bull packing the biggest cock I’ve ever seen.”

Erwin nearly spat out his beer, “That’s not a story. That’s an observation.”

“I told you, I’m no good at telling stories. That’ll have to suffice.”

~~~

Not long after, they had to leave. Erwin was practically falling asleep at the table, and the barkeep was giving them disgruntled looks. Hooking one of Erwin’s arms over his shoulders, Levi heaved him up and out the door.

The freezing cold fresh air seemed to revive him somewhat, and Erwin found himself with a second wind that he would later regret. Outside in the plaza, they stood beneath the statue of a fair young woman.

“They say Maria appeared here to six children in 834, throwing them little trinkets and proclaiming loudly. Pilgrims come from all over just to pray here.” Erwin commented, having read the information plaque on a previous visit to the city.

“There was a crazy woman called Maria who lived in the Underground near me,” Levi said casually as he scrutinised the face of the statue. “She used to throw things at kids and scream at them.” He regarded Erwin seriously, “Perhaps she moved here in 834.”

Another fit of giggles seized Erwin, and he tried hard not to spill the beer that he had stolen from the bar. Erwin then tried to draw in a breath and simply couldn’t; the laughter forced him into a squatting position, one hand helping him balance by gripping tight onto Levi’s coat.

Erwin wasn’t sure whether it was just the alcohol doing this to him. He felt almost drugged by the amount he had already laughed tonight. His abs were getting a serious work out tonight from having to crunch constantly with laughter. His head almost throbbed with how tight his face had been from laughing all day. He couldn’t remember the last time he had this much fun. Possibly when he was a teenager?

Some youths were busking in the street. Once he had sufficiently recovered and was helped back to his wobbly feet, Erwin dragged himself and Levi over towards the music. He set down his beer and fished in his pocket for some loose change. Tossing a few coins to the musicians, Erwin grabbed Levi by the hand and pulled him close. 

“Dance with me!” Erwin tried unsuccessfully to sweep Levi into a waltz, much to the amusement of the musicians. 

“I’m not one of your fancy noblewomen.”

“Come on, stop grumbling. I’m cold, warm me up.”

“You have one heck of a good beer blanket going on. I doubt it's even possible for you to feel cold.” Despite his protests, Levi allowed himself to be pulled into an embrace.

“I’m actually not a bad dancer,” It had taken a while, but Erwin had picked up most of the stately dances expected of him at fundraisers with the nobles.

“And the grinding? Did the noblewomen teach you that too?”

Erwin grinned at the very idea. “No, that was Mike.” Levi gave him a look that said he was unsure whether Erwin was being truthful or not. Levi clearly felt some unease at dancing so publicly. On a whim, he grabbed Levi’s hands and pulled him into a deserted alley directly beside the musicians. Erwin took Levi’s smaller hands in his, and placed them up round his own neck before bringing his own down to Levi’s waist and the small of his back. He pulled the other in, and then rested the side of his face against the crown of Levi’s head. He could almost feel Levi rolling his eyes, but Erwin heard no voice of complaint this time.

Slowly, they swayed to the music rolling in from around the corner. Erwin allowed his eyes to close, enjoying the feeling of his lover’s warm body holding him tightly in the cold night.

Tonight they weren’t soldiers. There were no Titans. There were no responsibilities to humanity. Tonight, they were free. They were just two young men enjoying each other and the glory of being alive together. Erwin tightened the embrace, buried his face in Levi’s soft, dark hair and inhaled his beloved scent, heedless of whether anyone was watching. Levi’s lithe form was stretched out on tiptoe in order to maintain his hold round Erwin's neck, and the smaller man was tenderly stroking the shorter blonde hairs at the back of his neck. Time had disappeared. The concept of past, present and future ceased existing temporarily. This moment was special. It stretched on and on. Perhaps he had always been in these arms. Erwin wanted to remember it forever. Never wanted it to end.

Who had he been before he had met Levi? Erwin felt as if he couldn’t quite understand or remember the man who he had been only a few months ago. Before Levi, he had been so desperately alone, but hadn’t allowed himself to realise it. Sure, he had his comrades. Some of whom like Mike, he had known for nearly twenty years. But _that_ Erwin had long pushed out any thoughts of finding love, or real happiness for himself, for fear that it would distract him from his life’s goals. 

But it hadn't; in fact, it was quite the opposite. Finding Levi and allowing him into his life had only strengthened Erwin’s resolve and ability to achieve what he wanted. Now, he wanted Levi to always be by his side. He felt like together, there was nothing they couldn’t accomplish; no conquest too great. Levi had become _the_ most important and essential part of his life. 

And to think, he had wanted to change him.

His mind drifted to his father; Erwin thought he would have liked Levi. Father wouldn't have wanted his son to live his life alone. Or to have become the cold and lonely man he had become before growing close to Levi.

Erwin felt pity for his younger self, barren of true companionship and real emotional fulfillment. Who couldn't let his guard down with anyone. Who never could rest, but kept constant vigil over Erwin's thoughts and actions; never able to truly relax. He didn’t want to remember being that lonely, manipulative bastard. Not ever again. Silently, he said goodbye to him.

 _You can rest now,_ he said to his younger self, seeing him fade away to nothingness in his mind's eye. _We don't have to be alone anymore.'_

He bent his head down and saw the unguarded way Levi was gazing back up at him. He smiled at the younger man. Then their lips met and Erwin lost himself in the other man’s kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwwwwww Erwin. He's properly whipped. I don't truly think he's capable of never being manipulative again though; I suspect his childhood trauma saw to that. 
> 
> I enjoyed writing this; the time these two spend before Erwin steps up to being commander is precious and much more carefree I suspect than once he has the burdens of office on his shoulders. So I wanted to show that he can actually be a fun guy and has the same playful streak his father had, though he tried to bury it under years of military training.
> 
> Comments are useful- lets me know you guys are enjoying it too which makes my whole day!


	14. Im Becher ersaufen mehr als im Meer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, Erwin felt that overwhelming need to dominate the younger man that came over him during sex. 
> 
> It was an almost cannibalistic urge, a yearning desire to consume the other entirely into his own being. 
> 
> Mike had called it an obsession, and perhaps he was right. Erwin didn’t fall for others very often, but when it did, he fell fucking hard. He didn’t think he’d ever fallen quite this hard though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so touched by the lovely feedback for my last chapter. I was quite nervous about publishing it, but am so very pleased that other people enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> When I think about completing this story, it makes me deeply sad. So for the time being, I'm not even going to think about how long it's going to be, and just keep writing whatever feels might naturally happen next in the story.

It was the brightness of the morning light that finally woke Erwin. He could feel the drool running down the side of his face, the pillow damp under his head. It felt as though something had crawled into his mouth and died there. He forced his eyelids to open; four blank eyes were staring back at him. He let out a yelp and leapt away from the side of the bed.

“What the-? Geese?”

Two very large stone geese were standing in a wooden cart right at his bedside, staring directly at him with their creepy unblinking gazes. Erwin sat up and immediately regretted it. The room spun and he lay back down again.

“I told you that last set of shots was a terrible idea.” Managing to open his eyes a crack, Erwin could see Levi sitting in an armchair, looking none the worse for wear. How was that even possible? “But would you listen?”

“I don’t remember.” Erwin groaned, covering his throbbing eyes with his hands. “The last thing I remember is dancing in the street.”

“Oh Erwin,” Levi got up and brought him a glass of water, “the night was _only_ getting started.”

“You can’t be serious?” Levi looked completely serious. “And where did these come from?” Erwin gestured at the geese statues. They were each the size of Levi and must have weighed considerably more.

“Seriously Erwin? You really don’t remember? They were your idea too. I told you I wanted no part in it, but you ordered me to assist you.”

“Whose are they?”

“Well, I guess they’re yours now. Finder’s keepers. You could always put them in your office at HQ. Or they could stand guard outside your door. We can think about it on the ride back tomorrow. I don’t think the horses will be very pleased at having to carry them though.” Levi pretended to look thoughtful, “Or you did say they would look delightful framing the entrance to the inn.”

“Levi….”

“You really don’t remember?”

Erwin shook his head. “Not a fucking thing.” Then his eyes shot open, “Did I get to lick you?”

“Ha! As soon as we got back here you collapsed on the bed and fell asleep, dead to the fucking world. I had to wrestle you out of your clothes you big lug. You were utterly trashed.”

Unable to look away from his bedside companions, Erwin said, “We can’t leave them here when we check out. We have to return the geese, Levi.”

“ _We_? Do _we_?” The younger man looked at him incredulously, hand on his heart and looking mortally offended. “ _We_ didn’t steal the geese. _You-“,_ Levi jabbed a finger into Erwin’s sternum, “-you single-handedly _liberated_ them, if I recall your wording correctly.” Levi turned his nose up, “I’d turned away from a life of crime, remember? Turned over a new leaf. I pledged my heart to humanity. And although it didn’t specifically come up in the initiation ceremony, that also meant not stealing other people’s weird creepy geese statues from outside their mansions. I thought I was joining the ranks of the great and the good. I am now a reformed man, an upstanding pillar of society. And yet somehow, I find myself holidaying with two geese and a light-fingered drunk who masquerades as humanity’s golden boy by day.”

Erwin cringed. “How did they even get up here?”

“You stole a wooden cart and put them in it and pulled them all the way here. Then you made me help you carry them up the stairs and insisted that they watch over you while you slept.”

Erwin looked completely gobsmacked, “I would never-“

“Yes you fucking did, you complete weirdo. Don’t you dare suggest I’m lying about it.”

Speechless for once, Erwin just shook his head silently. His eyes moved from the geese to Levi, and back again.

“You’re right about one thing though,” Levi said seriously, also now looking at them. “They gotta fucking go. I mean, I don’t think I can perform in bed tonight with those two watching us.”

“I need to eat first. And then we’ll return them.”

“Again with the ‘ _we’_ ,” Levi brought him a plate of food. “Breakfast was hours ago by the way. This is technically lunch. It’s two o’clock now.”

“Fuck.” Erwin couldn’t remember the last time he had slept beyond nine am. Gingerly, afraid at the frailty of his own stomach, he nibbled on the bread and cheese that Levi had saved for him. “Whoever owns these geese is going to have noticed that they’re missing by now.”

“Yup. Unless they’re fucking blind. Or wanted them gone. Maybe they’ll wake up and be delighted at their disappearance.”

As Erwin ate his food, Levi sat back down in the armchair. “What have you been doing all morning? When did you wake up?”

“I’ve been up a while. I ate some breakfast. Read my book. Took a walk. Denied to some MPs that I was harbouring a wanted felon in my room.” Levi examined his fingernails, “You know, I’m not so sure that wooden floor was meant to support the weight of two massive stone geese. I made sure not to sit directly under them at breakfast.”

Despite feeling rather rotten, Erwin couldn’t help but laugh at Levi’s wit. A good hot shower would help him think what action to take next. He had planned to take Levi to the museum today, but felt that was unlikely to happen now. He didn’t quite feel well enough to traipse around exhibits and wished he could just take Levi to bed all day instead. Unfortunately, he felt that neither of them were going to be able to lie together with their guests present, and he itched to get up and return them ASAP.

“Look, if you were to ask my opinion as a former professional thief, I would suggest that it would be wiser to wait until it was dark to return the goods." Levi spoke as though he were able to read exactly what Erwin was thinking." You _absolutely could_ waltz up to the house in the middle of the day with the geese in the cart, but it ain’t gonna look good. My advice is to wait and not be seen.”

Chewing his food, Erwin contemplated the suggestion. It was probably wiser to wait and return them without being spotted. But then Levi had another suggestion.

“Or we could lie and can say Maria returned again and by her holy miracle brought them to life and they flew away. We can say that we saw it happen. Then all the pilgrims will come and they’ll build a massive statue of us and the two miraculous geese.” Erwin had to laugh at the thought, despite feeling distinctly bad about his drunken antics.

~~~~

Erwin had another nap after his shower. Once it was dark in the late afternoon, Levi shook him awake and they made preparations to move the geese outside. Between them, they carried them downstairs and into the street, loading them into the cart. Erwin took the handle and began to pull them in the direction Levi was walking. They were heavy. And Erwin had no recollection of where they were headed or how far it would be.

Levi watched him straining to pull the two lumps of rock along the cobbled road, smirking at him with his arms crossed. “I’m going to enjoy every minute of this.”

“Aren’t you going to help me at all?”

“Nope.”

“Grrr, fine, don’t help me. You say I pulled them all the way here last night, I can pull them back again.”

Eventually, Levi took pity on the panting, huffing man and agreed to take over for a short while.

“But only because otherwise we’ll be here all fucking night. And I need you to save your back for later.” Levi seemed to have no problem pulling the weight. His issue seemed to be more with the cart being difficult to steer. “This fucking cart, I swear it has a mind of it’s own.” The wheels were decidedly wonky and the whole cart refused to go in the direction required.

“It has character,” Erwin wasn’t really sure why he was defending it, “Like some of the people in the Survey Corps.” Hanji Zoe sprung to mind.

“Well, I’m telling you right now, I don’t want to meet the human equivalent of this trolley. They would piss me right off.”

With Erwin taking charge of steering, and Levi pushing effortlessly the rest of the way, they finally made it to the massive house wherefrom Erwin had originally liberated the birds. Carefully, they put them back where they belonged and bid them goodbye.

“You know, I think I’m going to miss them. I’ve grown rather fond of them,” Erwin said wistfully, patting one on the head.

“Are you sure they are the right way round?”

“There won’t be a right way round.” Erwin reasoned, “They’re exactly the same. Just two geese.”

“Alright, I trust your judgement. I need a drink.”

~~~

He had planned on being much better behaved that night. Planned to refuse to partake of too many drinks, and keep a clear head so that when he awoke in the morning it wasn’t to a world of pain and a room full of yet more stolen effigies.

And he kept his word. Mostly.

For every one Erwin had, he made Levi drink at least two.

“I love your hair.” Erwin could tell that Levi wanted to run his hands through it, but didn’t dare in public. “Some men hardly have any at your age.”

“Shadis is worried about losing his,”

“With the amount he stresses, he’s right to worry.” Levi was double parked until he knocked back one of his drinks in one go. “You know, there was an old woman in the Underground who could make potions for things like hair loss. Her stuff usually worked. I could get you some to give to him.”

“Hmmmm? What’s in it?”

“Weird stuff. Like toad paste.”

Erwin made a disgusted face, “ _What_ is toad paste?”

Levi spread his hands on the surface of the bar, “You take some toads and a big stick and then you-“

“Alright, yes, I think I get the picture. And then what, you drink it?”

“I think you massage it in to the scalp. I dunno, I can’t remember _all_ the weird stuff she made.”

Gesturing over to the bartender, Erwin ordered himself another beer, and Levi two beers and two shots of some odd local spirit. The barkeep looked perplexed and slightly concerned at the sheer amount Levi was able to put away. “Just a few more and then we’ll head back, yeah?”

Levi smirked at him, “Wanna make good on that bet you won, huh big guy?”

~~~~

Once Erwin was convinced that Levi was as drunk as himself, they returned to the inn without stealing anything else along the way. By the time they made it back, Levi was delightfully inebriated.

Laughing and whispering, they stumbled up the hallway. Erwin playfully held him in a headlock as they collided with the wall. Levi ducked, pushing him up against the door to their room as they kissed. Small hands pulled impatiently at his clothing. Erwin motioned him to be quiet while he reached for the key. They fell inside the darkened room, slamming the door shut.

As Erwin lit some candles from the merrily crackling fire in the hearth, Levi began undressing. In one swift motion, he had pulled off his shirt and flung it across the room. But he made the mistake of trying to toe off his shoes at the same time and in slow motion, tipped slowly over onto the floor. Seeing Levi lose his balance out of the corner of his eye, Erwin moved as quickly as he could, and managed to catch Levi before he hit the floor. Erwin laughed at that fact that his normally fastidious partner wasn’t bothering with folding his clothes, and seemed so eager to let loose.

“Are you so looking forward to having me lick you all over?” Erwin had him held in a dip, similar to how he would sweep a partner off their feet during a stately dance.

“It had better be as good as you keep telling me it will be, cos if not, you’re never getting a second chance.”

Game on then.

Levi still had the presence of mind to still insist on dragging Erwin into the shower with him, although it was a quick two minute affair.

Once back inside the bedroom they tore into each other like maniacs. Flush with heat and sweat they collapsed onto the rug on the floor, hands tearing at each other with relish, savouring salt and skin. Deranged kisses ravaged throats and shoulders.

They rolled on the floor, nude and glistening in the firelight. Turning both ways they pleasured each other, Levi taking Erwin’s straining erection in each his mouth, and Erwin on his back finally taking his chance to tongue and suck and probe Levi’s entrance. It was a gorgeous sight to behold, and he played and danced his tongue around the little twitching ring of muscle until too soon he felt his own cock swell and harden even further in Levi’s talented mouth, a sure sign of impending orgasm.

“Levi!” he gasped, tearing his mouth away from his new favourite treat, “I’m going to come,” With one final movement, Levi took him in to the hilt, and it was the sound of him gagging on his length that did it for Erwin. With a shout he came hard, squeezing Levi’s thighs and ass as he bucked up into the warm wetness surrounding him. Afterwards, he heard Levi cough and then felt his own cum and Levi’s spit cooling on his cock and thighs. With all the gagging, Levi mustn’t have been able to swallow.

Returning to his winnings, Erwin wet his middle finger and pushed it gently inside Levi. He was awarded with a long groan. He brought his thumb up to the skin outside where he thought Levi’s prostate would be, and tried to massage it between the two digits. Coaxing Levi’s hips down a bit, he was able to resume licking around where his finger entered his lover, humming with delight and still swimming in the fog of his orgasm.

“How do you want to come?” Erwin asked.

“Just keep going,” came the strained voice. Erwin could feel and see Levi clenching his whole body dis-coordinately.

“Try and relax, don’t try to come. Just enjoy it.” Erwin crooked his finger inside Levi towards his belly and rubbed gently. With his other hand, he reached down to try and play with the hard little nipples he wanted to taste. To his delight, he found he could play with them both with one hand. He adored how much bigger he was than this young man. It made him feel potent and masculine. “You aren’t trying to ejaculate, remember?”

“Shut up with the biology lesson, old man.” Levi’s chest heaved as one of his nipples was gently pinched between Erwin’s fingers. “Talk dirty to me.” With that, Erwin shimmied out from under Levi, and flipped him onto his back on the rug in front of the fire; then he threw both limber legs over his shoulders and felt Levi cross them behind his neck to draw him down. His own face was hot with desire. Resuming where he had left off, he lapped and stroked and fondled at Levi’s most intimate parts. He wanted to make Levi cry out and beg for him.

“What do we say?”

“Please, Erwin!”

“Please Erwin what?”

“Talk dirty to me! Make me cum, uuhhhnn, please!”

His own erection had sprung to life again, but he ignored it in favour of lavishing attention across the beautiful visage in front of him. Levi was only semi-erect, but was clearly having a good time.

“Do you like it when I tell you how I’m going to fuck you one day?” He got a moan in response, and continued stroking Levi's sweet spot as he tortured him with his words, “About how one day I’m going to come deep inside you? Perhaps I’ll not let you wash afterwards, and you’ll have to walk around _all_ day with my seed dripping out of you down the inside of your legs.”

When Levi had asked him to talk dirty, Erwin hadn’t actually thought the idea of _being_ dirty would get the other man off.

It did. Big time.

With a long, drawn out groan that probably wakened everyone else in the building, Levi arched his whole body off the ground onto his slim shoulders and began to shake.

“Yes! Come for me, Levi!” Erwin couldn’t have been more thrilled at Levi’s response to being ravished with only fingers and a tongue in his ass. He adored watching Levi’s face wracked with pleasure, his mouth unable to close and his head thrown back in bliss. The sweat on Levi’s body glistened in the glow of the firelight. He looked stunning.

Once again, Erwin felt that overwhelming urge to dominate the younger man that came over him during sex. It was an almost cannibalistic hunger, a yearning desire to consume the other entirely into his own being. Mike had called it an obsession, and perhaps he was right. Erwin didn’t fall for others very often, but when he did, he fell fucking hard. He didn’t think he’d ever fallen quite _this_ hard though.

Erwin pumped his finger until Levi's back was once again lying flat against the floor, then pulled out and gently lowered the still shaky legs off his shoulders. There was a small amount of clear pre-cum pooled below the head of Levi's cock on his belly; Erwin couldn’t help but dip a finger in and taste it. With his other hand, he jerked himself off, finishing quickly and shooting hot, white ropes across Levi’s stomach and chest. Seeing Levi covered in his cum with his legs still spread and shaking did powerful things to some deeply primitive part of Erwin’s psyche. He noted with genuine disbelief that his own cock remained hard in his hand, even after already coming twice.

Their eyes met, and Levi was looking at him with mild amusement. “Are you really not going to let me wash?”

“Ha!” Erwin ran a hand through his own sweaty blonde hair, “No, I was only teasing.”

“Good, because I’m fucking filthy.”

“Mmmmm,” Unable to help himself again, Erwin swirled a finger round on Levi’s stomach to mix the evidence of their passion together. “You are amazing,”

“Really?” Levi smirked at him, “I was going to say the same thing.”

“That you’re pleased with my skills?”

“No, that _I_ am amazing.”

Grinning back, Erwin swatted him playfully and had his hand caught and held, "I concur."

“You’re not bad either, as you said yourself.”

“High praise indeed,” Without caring for the mess, Erwin laid down on top of Levi and moved the small legs around his broad waist as he kissed him. “Do you want to cum again?”

“I’m wiped out. But I think I might need to take care of _that_ again.” Levi brought his hand between them and wrapped it around Erwin, who gasped at the sensitivity now that he had already come twice in a short space of time.

“I don’t think it knows when enough is enough,”

“Once more couldn’t hurt.”

And it certainly didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's always such a pleasure to write sex scenes. I've got more ideas for injured/sick scenes too that I'm sure some of you are deeply fed up with me writing, but it's my kink, so it's going in!
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading and keeping in touch.


	15. Blut ist dicker als Wasser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four times a year, any uninjured men in the corps were obliged to donate blood. Three times a year for the women. The medical team usually tried to plan the blood drives to not be too close to upcoming expeditions. As there were none coming up any time soon, Erwin and Levi would be required to be present the next day at HQ to donate a unit each.
> 
> Most of the blood stocks donated ended up being used by the soldiers who managed to actually survive the return journey to HQ. But in dire or exceptional circumstances, the medics could draw off whole blood from one soldier mid-mission, and give it directly to another in need.
> 
> Such an occasion arose during the subsequent expedition beyond the walls, the day after they returned to HQ.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we go ladies and gents; another self-indulgent injury chapter. I just can't help myself.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. Happy reading!

As all good things did, their trip had to come to an end. When Erwin woke the next morning, it was to Levi reading in the chair, the delightful smell of a hot breakfast being cooked, and the feel of high quality sheets around him. He had noticed Levi appreciated the feel of the high thread count as well, and later while chewing on some bacon in the breakfast room, he decided it was imperative to invest in some fine bedding for himself. All the better to lure the smaller man into bed more frequently.

~~~

Four times a year, any uninjured men in the corps were obliged to donate blood. Three times a year for the women. The medical team usually tried to plan the blood drives to not be too close to upcoming expeditions. As there were none coming up any time soon, Erwin and Levi would be required to be present the next day at HQ to donate a unit each.

On their return to base later that day, Erwin had felt exceptionally tired, and had the odd sensation of an itch somewhere inside his face that was impossible to scratch. It turned out to be a mild head cold, but was enough to excuse him from having to donate blood on this occasion. He allowed himself to enjoy being pampered, with Levi diligently bringing him soup and tea at regular intervals that day, and chastising him for not resting enough. Considering how poorly Levi took such advice himself, Erwin had to laugh at how the younger man felt he could impose it on him.

In winter, the blood stores were frozen and stored in the ice houses under the main base, ready to be thawed and used in case of training accidents or soldiers returning from expeditions with injuries. Unfortunately it was impossible to bring a supply of blood out on a mission, as without being kept frozen, the units of blood would quickly go off, be unsafe to transfused and ultimately end up wasted.

Most of the blood stocks donated ended up being used by the soldiers who managed to actually survive the return journey to HQ. But in dire or exceptional circumstances, the medics could draw off whole blood from one soldier mid-mission, and give it directly to another in need.

Such an occasion arose during the subsequent expedition beyond the walls, the day after they returned to HQ.

It was an unplanned mission; the worst kind for their mortality figures. While on sentry on top of Wall Maria, a member of the Garrison Corps had claimed to have seen a Titan in the distance, watching them. A great, big hairy one. Most had shrugged off the wild claim, but Erwin seemed to believe it, and had almost shook with excitement at hearing about the highly abnormal Titan. In any case, it was the duty of the Survey Corps to investigate. Perhaps there would be footprints still visible, or other evidence that such a beast had actually existed in reality, and not just in the mind of an overtired Garrison soldier.

“I’ll trust your judgement Erwin.” Levi had accepted the course of action that needed taken without once batting an eyelid. It was nice to have someone who was so unfailingly loyal.

Word had reached them after sunset, and hasty plans were put in place to leave the following morning.

Levi eyed the older man warily, “Are you sure you’re well enough to go?”

“Yes Levi, I’m fine.”

~~~

With the image of a truly enormous Titan in the minds of all who headed out that day, tensions ran higher than usual. Late on the first day of the expedition, Erwin had the misfortune of colliding mid-air with one of the newer recruits after successfully taking down a 3m class titan. In a fit of mission madness, the young man had drawn his blade and stuck it straight through his Squad Leader’s upper thigh. Even worse, in another fit of panic, the novice withdrew the blade, and a torrent of blood had flowed from the wound.

Hastily, the medics had applied a tourniquet and some very tight dressings, which hurt more than the injury itself. Erwin had been certain his leg was going to drop off by the time they reached the stop over, although the pressure did it’s job of tamponading the bleeding.

Adrenaline alone had kept Erwin conscious immediately after the injury, but once off his horse he succumbed to the overwhelming dizziness and faintness that overpowered him.

Levi peeked into the makeshift San, cringing inwardly at the sweaty, pale figure lying on the bed who was working hard to draw breath. He had no medical training, but even he knew that what Erwin needed was a transfusion. Being ill was certainly going to do him no favours either.

It was the first time that he had seriously considered the possibility that Erwin could die. The older man seemed invincible; he was so full of life and had so much more to give to humanity and the world.

And to Levi.

“Corporal?” Jumping slightly at being caught peeping, Levi turned to see Dr Braun holding a blood-giving set and an unsettlingly large needle. “Just who I’m looking for. You’re a universal donor, right?”

“Ummm,” He was pretty sure someone had told him that. “I’m O negative. Whatever that means.”

“How would you feel about giving a donation now?”

Without a moment of hesitation, Levi began to roll up the sleeve of his right arm. “Fine, go for it.”

~~~~

Assembling the equipment, Braun wrapped a tourniquet around the compact man’s upper arm. Being a universal blood donor meant that Levi could safely give blood to Squad Leader Smith without too many potential complications for Erwin. Under the circumstances, the same couldn’t be said for Levi.

Braun couldn’t help but feel some concern at proceeding. But Commander Shadis had summoned him and told him in no uncertain terms to do what he had to in order to get Squad Leader Smith back on his feet by morning. Apart from Corporal Levi, there was only one other universal donor in the field, and although she was technically bigger than Levi, Braun had serious concerns about approaching her with the order. Both had donated blood only the day before and weren’t really ready to give any more. Women tended to cope especially badly.

The young doctor knew that it wasn’t really enough time for the small male to recover either, especially considering it was still so soon after being shot and having had a large scalp laceration, injuries which both had caused considerable blood loss. But Braun definitely wasn’t confident about taking any more blood from a small female soldier who still had to try and make her way safely home.

In contrast, as the corporal was male, and an excellent fighter. Braun felt he stood a much better chance of coping with the second venesection. Besides, the two men seemed close, and the soldier seemed willing to proceed which felt like half the battle. And as Braun knew, some soldier’s lives were worth more than others.

In the end, the doctor took the equivalent of about a unit and a half of blood, slightly more than usual. It worked quickly, and soon Smith was looking far rosier than he had been. His work of breathing had settled as well.

But now, having drained the smaller-than-average Corporal to approximately half his circulating blood volume, Braun was unable to shake the feeling that he had done wrong by Levi. The man now looked pale, sweaty and unwell, and had swayed and shook with fatigue when he tried to stand to return to the main hall.

Braun’s role in the corps meant he was often forced to make choices that transgressed his long-standing, deeply held commitment to healing. He frequently experienced distress at the conflict between his promise to make each soldier his top priority, but to also give weight to the framework of rank in the militia. Moral injury caused frequent burnout in medics in the corps, and he still had at least five years of service in the field to try and get through alive and mentally well before he could retire and work purely at HQ. Reconciling what he chose to do in the field with his role to wider humanity helped him more easily accept the terrible things he had to do to get the most important men and women back safely behind the walls. And Erwin Smith was one of those important people. Everyone said so.

To try and ease his own conscience, the young doctor invited Levi to stay in the San for close observation overnight, and prayed the man’s strong constitution and strength of will alone would see him home the next day.

~~~

No evidence of a mythical beast Titan was found. Hanji had been terribly disappointed, as had Erwin. The rest of the soldiers felt only relief.

On returning to base, Erwin had briefly attended the San for a more thorough examination of his wound, and then headed back to his quarters. Levi had offered to wash down and feed both their horses, in recompense for Erwin having done it for him after the previous mission. It wasn’t one of Erwin’s favourite jobs, and he was more than happy to leave Levi to it while he went to medical.

Considering what had happened to him, Erwin felt remarkably well. He also felt that his cold had lifted significantly faster than he could have reasonably expected. Once back at HQ, a fog of tiredness would normally descend upon him as the adrenaline wore off. But he felt as though he could stay awake all night; perhaps finish all those reports he had meant to do before the unexpected trip outside the walls, or maybe even do some PT. Certainly, he was looking forward to getting Levi into bed soon to spend a few well deserved hours exploring each other's bodies. Except, when he made to move, he realised that his leg was actually still injured and sore.

“You’re filthy. Please wash and give me those bloodstained rags you call clothes.” Looking up from a half-finished notice, Erwin smiled at seeing Levi had finally made it up from the stables.

“I’m not sure you have the rank to order me around like that, Levi.” But they both knew it was said in jest. “I’ll have a bath. Will you join me?”

“I’d rather not mire in both our combined filth. I’ll shower once I’ve finished my reports.”

As Erwin undressed, he could hear the bath being run. A rolled towel sat at the head of the bath to pillow his head and a fresh set of pyjamas and underwear were folded on the radiator.

“Thank you. I appreciate it.”

Levi cracked a weak smile at him. Dark bags had appeared under Levi’s young eyes, and his eyelids looked almost purple with fatigue.

“Are you injured, Levi?” The younger man looked unwell. Perhaps he was coming down with what Erwin had.

“No, just tired.”

“You look very pale.”

“I’m fine. You know I don’t sleep on expeditions. You’re the one that got hurt. Stop worrying about me, wash and then get some beauty sleep. You fucking need it.”

By the time Erwin got out of the bath forty minutes later, he felt like a new man. Reflected back at him in the mirror was an image of himself looking red-cheeked and- dare he say it- handsome and glowing with health. On re-dressing his wound, he was pleased to see that it already looked as if it was healing rather well.

He was surprised to hear soft snoring coming from the bedroom, and had to perform a double-take at seeing Levi already asleep on the bed.

It was highly unusual to see the other asleep. Even more unusual to see him in soiled clothes. With the benefit of hindsight, Erwin would look back on this moment and realise that to see both at the same time should have worried him more than it did. Part of him disliked waking Levi, but he knew that the smaller man would hate waking up in the morning on the bed fully clothed, sweaty and dusty from the ride and still wearing his boots. And the other man had ensured he was clean and redressed too; it was only fair.

As Erwin approached the bed, he took in the almost waxy appearance of the man lying on it. Levi was pale, and always had been. Perhaps it was a trick of the light, but he did genuinely look even more so than normal. Maybe he was coming down with the same cold Erwin had briefly suffered from.

“Levi,” Erwin shook him awake.

Levi’s eyes rolled in their sockets, unable to coordinate due to how tired he was. “Huh? I wasn’t asleep.”

“Uh huh. Come on, go and wash.” Extending a hand, Erwin pulled Levi off the bed. The other man held on for a fraction longer than normal, seeming unusually unbalanced. Erwin could sense an undisguisable fatigue as Levi shook slightly where he leaned on his arm. Perhaps he was just chilled. His skin certainly felt a bit cool.

While Levi busied himself in the bathroom, Erwin took two of his whiskey dram glasses out of the cupboard and poured them a glass each. His father had always recommended whiskey as a cold remedy.

“Levi, do you want a whiskey? It’ll warm you up?”

“Sure,” the dark-haired man stalked out from the bathroom, unashamedly naked, and picked up his glass, which had a substantially more generous helping than Erwin’s.

“To getting back in one piece!” Erwin raised his glass for a toast, locking eyes with Levi as was proper. It was an achievement always worth celebrating.

“Yeah, sure. Well done.”

_Clink_

Both men knocked back the smoky liquid. It burned nicely as it slid down Erwin’s throat, but didn’t have the usual strong effect on him that it normally did.

Setting down his glass, Levi wiped his mouth and headed back to wash. Before heading to sleep, Erwin retrieved a set of Levi’s sleepwear from his drawer and placed it on Levi’s side of the bed. Then, settling onto his own side of the bed and still not feeling particularly tired, Erwin picked up a book to thumb through, deciding to wait up for the other to finish and join him. The sound of the water from the shower was relaxing; it must have lulled him to asleep at some point, as he was startled awake by a sudden loud noise from the bathroom.

 _Bang_!

The sound echoed, sounding like a heavy bottle had been dropped in the shower.

“Levi?” Erwin called out.

When there was no reply except the sound of running water, Erwin eased himself out of the warm bed to peer in to the bathroom and check everything was alright. He tried to rationalise to himself that Levi was probably just engrossed in frantic efforts to clean up what he’d dropped and hadn’t heard him over the water echoing in the bathroom. Unusually, the door was locked from the inside.

“Levi?” He knocked politely. There was no response. Even on pressing his ear to the door, Erwin couldn’t hear the tell-tale sounds of anyone moving around inside the room. Feeling worried now, Erwin tried the handle again.

Silence.

“Levi if you don’t open the door, I’m going to break it down.”

Still nothing.

Concern mounting, he took a few steps back and then ran towards the door, trying to shoulder it open. But in his injured state, the door didn’t budge. He raised his voice and bellowed Levi’s name loudly through the door, but still all he could hear was the shower continuing to rain water into it’s basin.

Shit.

Heading out his door, straight down the corridor and a set of stairs, Erwin reached Mike’s room and banged heavily on the door. Naked as the day he was born, Mike answered it. There was someone else in the room, but Erwin couldn’t make out who it was. Nor did he honestly care at that precise moment.

“Mike, dress and come with me now.”

The other man made no noise of complaint, but did as he was bid, muttering an apology to whoever it was occupying his bed.

~~~

Since Levi had entered their lives, it had become unusual for Erwin to come looking for him as often as he once had. So Mike had known something was wrong from the instant he heard the distinctive knock on the door.

“Sorry babe,” he kissed the blonde in his bed and opened the door, not caring that he was nude. Erwin had seen it all before.

Repeating his apologies to the unsatisfied woman lying beneath the cover, Mike pulled on the bare minimum required to not scandalise any younger recruits they happened upon and followed Erwin to his quarters.

“What is it?”

“I need you to break down my door.”

“Have you locked yourself out?”

“No, I think Levi has fainted in my bathroom.”

“Why’s the little squirt in your bathroom this late at night, Erwin?” He knew fine rightly why, but he really, really wanted to hear Erwin admit what the two of them were getting up to.

“He’s washing. He likes the privacy of using my bathroom compared to the men’s. It’s a special favour I granted him a while ago.”

So, no admission tonight then. Never mind.

With what felt like remarkably little effort, Mike booted open Erwin’s bathroom door with his foot. In spite of the thick steam clouding up the glass window of the shower, he could make out the slumped figure against the wall under the falling water.

Wrenching open the shower door, he pulled the unconscious man out from beneath the spray of scalding hot water and onto the tiled floor. Behind him, Erwin turned off the water and then knelt down beside them both.

The blotchy red and white of Levi’s complexion from the heat of the water highlighted the wretched colour that his cheeks and lips had gone during the faint. He lay completely limp on the floor, but his chest still rose and fell shallowly, and his heart beat rapidly, albeit weakly in his neck against Mike’s fingers. Mike scooped the shorter man’s legs off the floor, trying to get the blood back to his head.

After a minute or so, Levi’s fingers curled slightly, and he began to stir.

“Fuuu-“

“Levi?” Mike slapped his cheek lightly to try and bring him round. His knees were getting sore from kneeling on the hard tiles. Mike looked up at Erwin, “You want me to lift him somewhere more comfortable?”

“Yes, put him on our- uh- my bed.”

Mike rolled his eyes at the hastily corrected slip, and hoisted up the light and still mostly unresponsive man into his arms. It still amazed Mike that this tiny man was humanity’s strongest; but he had experienced the man's martial prowess first-hand many times and it was undeniably true. Once he had set the small man down on the bed, he threw a towel over him to protect his dignity.

“Should we bring him to the San?” As much as Mike enjoyed playing doctors and nurses, it was in a very specific context, and didn’t involve actual sick people.

“I don’t know. It’s not like him to faint.” Erwin touched the side of Levi's face as he spoke.

“It was probably the heat from the shower. Plus all the blood they took from him. I told Shadis it was too soon after yesterday’s blood drive. Look at the size of him. There’s nothing to Levi. He probably hardly had any blood left after his recent field injury as it was.”

Erwin’s eyes narrowed as he looked at Mike darkly, shaking his head slightly, “What blood?”

“The blood they gave you.”

Once again, Erwin shook his head at him,

“Oh, didn’t you know?” The confused expression persisted. Mike shrugged, “Shadis insisted you were to be up and riding again, so they just took some more of his and put it in you.”

“What?” Erwin frowned at him.

Mike shot back his own incredulous look. Did Erwin really not know? 

“During the mission?" Shaking his head, Erwin gazed back down at the pale figure limp on the bed. "It wasn’t like I was going to exsanguinate, Mike. They had it under control. I should have just been put in a cart.”

He shrugged, “We all said the same thing, but the Commander insisted that you were made ready to ride again.” 

Shadis’ confidence seemed to have dropped so low that he couldn’t operate without Erwin by his side. Nothing they had said would change his mind. 

“So they coerced Levi into giving more blood? After already having given some only the day before?”

“They didn’t need to force him, Erwin. He was perfectly happy to proceed. It was quite a lot though that they took in the end.”

“ _Thirsty_ ,” Levi croaked. The two blondes’ attention swung to the pale man on the bed.

Erwin leapt into action and went to pour Levi a glass of one of the expensive bottles of whiskey that Mike had bought Erwin for his birthday a few weeks ago. Two used glasses were already sitting on the large desk. Mike gave Erwin what he hoped was his best exasperated stare.

“No wonder he collapsed in the shower if you’ve both been on the whiskey already. You’re not giving him _more_ alcohol, surely Erwin. The man needs water.”

“Uh, yes. You’re right.”

The two had clearly both already been drinking before Mike was summoned to assist. So, drinking together, bathing in Erwin’s quarters and- yup- there was the clincher. A tiny set of night wear was folded and waiting neatly on the bed. And they weren’t Erwin’s; he was _already_ in his pyjamas, and anyway this set were way too small for him. They were definitely fucking. Mike had known that fact for the last few weeks. But this looked like more than fucking. Raising his nose slightly, he tried to surreptitiously sniff the air, but couldn’t detect that there had been any sex recently.

It had been his nose that first told him that the two men were sleeping together. No matter how much one washed with soap and water, fresh semen left a distinct, lingering smell on skin. And each man’s was a little different. But long before that, he had noticed the more subtle signs that spoke of an illicit affair. Levi was an almost permanent fixture by Erwin’s side, and neither seemed to operate as well without the other these days. Their glances at each other, all the little domestic things Levi seemed to do for only Erwin, the way Erwin would cross his legs and angle his body towards the young man; it was sweet. If Levi had been a woman, tongues would have been wagging long ago that this relationship was more than platonic. But because they were two men, people didn’t seem to consider it the same way. Mike knew Erwin too well to miss all the signs. He didn’t know Levi nearly as well, but the man seemed surprisingly uncomplicated in his loyalty and fidelity to Erwin. And that made Mike happy.

“The whiskey probably didn’t help him before all this. It definitely isn’t a good idea now.” Mike was pleased at having had a smart idea that Erwin hadn’t. It didn’t happen too often.

“Here,” Encouraging Levi onto his side, Erwin pressed a glass of water to his mouth and got him to drink most of it. The glass clinked against Levi’s teeth as the cool liquid was coaxed down his throat. He still looked ghastly and was clearly not ready to sit up yet. “How do you feel?” The mask Erwin wore most of the time these days had slipped on seeing Levi rouse, and Mike caught a glimpse of unconcealed affection and concern diffuse over his friend’s face. It suited him.

“Dizzy.” Even on good days, Levi was a man of few words, but this was even less than usual; it seemed like what blood he did have left was still pooling in his skin, and not getting to his brain. Mike stood and opened the window, letting in some cold, fresh air. Then he stuffed a pillow under Levi's knees to raise his legs on the bed. It seemed to work, and after a few moments, Levi looked distinctly less terrible and managed to ask, “What happened?”

A hand clapped firmly on his shoulder. “Thanks Mike, I’ll take it from here. Sorry for interrupting you.” It was a not-so-subtle invitation to leave.

“Hey, no problem. You know where I am if you need me.”

Slipping back into his own room, he smirked when he saw his own bed mate still waiting for him. He pulled his shirt over his head and swaggered towards the bed.

“Daddy’s home.”

~~~~

“Why didn’t anyone tell me I was given a transfusion in the field? And why weren’t you put in a safer place in the formation? Or in one of the carts?” It was difficult to hide the frustration Erwin felt at his commander, the medics _and_ even at Levi himself for agreeing to cooperate. Although nothing had been purposefully concealed from him, he felt distressed that Levi yet again had taken a risky shot for him, although this time it had been a metaphorical one. “What if you had fainted on horseback, or worse?”

“I felt fine until I was in the shower, Erwin. It was just the heat.” Levi's voice was heavy with fatigue. 

Disregarding the quiet, tired tone, Erwin continued his tirade, pacing furiously up and down the room. “We both know that’s not true. You fell asleep fully dressed in your dusty riding gear. The only other time you’ve done that is when you were half-dead with the sweating sickness. What you all did was foolish in the extreme and-”

“Don’t nag Erwin, please." Levi's pallid face was creased with exhaustion, "Besides, what was I supposed to do? Just let you die? I couldn't let that happen."

Features softening at the quiet, pleading request and at Levi's loving reasoning behind his actions, Erwin couldn’t help but let his anger go for now. It had been borne out of concern for Levi, and taking it out on him and scolding Levi while he felt unwell wasn’t fair. He remembered how wretched it felt to have lost a significant amount of blood. And Levi had risked himself willingly for him. Even if he hadn’t, Erwin was sure they’d have gotten the blood out of Levi, one way or another.

He understood the need to help a comrade; the deep bond of blood brothers and brothers-in-arms on the battlefield. And now, they really were blood brothers. Levi's blood was actually coursing through his veins, making him feel well and whole. It was hard to fathom.

“I wouldn't have died," Erwin soothed, stroking Levi's bangs off his forehead. "So, you must be a universal donor?" 

Levi looked at him quizzically, "Huh?" 

"I mean, what's your type?" 

"Tall, blonde and annoying it would seem." 

Erwin allowed himself a chuckle at Levi's purposeful misunderstanding, and was rewarded with a playful smile back. 

"By the way, do you have some sort of super-powered blood? Is this how it feels to be you all the time? I feel as if I could leap out of bed and ride all day long,”

“Sorry Erwin, I’m not really feeling up to you riding me all day long right at this moment,”

Erwin threw back his head and laughed at Levi still retaining his dry wit, in spite of probably still feeling so unwell.

“No wonder you never sleep. What is in your blood? Perhaps we need to give Hanji a sample to examine.”

“Give me time to make some more before you let one of those legalised vampires take any more from me. I’m not sure there’s enough at the moment to even help a budgie with a nose bleed.”

Taking the fact that the young man’s sense of humour hadn’t diminished as a sign that there had been no lasting harm and that all would be well given enough time, Erwin asked, “Have you eaten yet?" Levi shook his head at him. Pushing down the rising desire to chastise him again, Erwin stood up, "Do you want some tea? Or something to eat?”

“Tea would be nice. And some bread if you have any.”

Pain in his leg forgotten, Erwin walked to the cupboard and pulled out a dish with a cloth on it that Levi had brought up for them to eat if they were hungry in the night. Erwin could eat like a horse after expeditions, and frequently woke up needing a midnight snack.

_“You’ll make me fat,” Erwin had chided Levi when he kept bringing him treats to munch on in between meals._

_“Hmmmm. I’d like to see that.”_

_“No you wouldn’t. You like me fighting fit.”_

_Levi had patted Erwin’s stomach affectionately, “I wouldn’t mind a little roll or two.”_

_~~~~_

While waiting for the tea to finish, Erwin unfolded the pyjamas on the bed and scooted nearer to Levi to help him sit up. Levi was now starting to feel a little chilled, but it was worth it to feel less sick and dizzy. Erwin gestured for him to raise his arms, and Levi obeyed, allowing Blondie to pull the pyjama top down over his head.

“You keep inviting people to see me naked in your room Erwin.”

“Only when absolutely required.” Erwin straightened out the wrinkles in the night shirt as he pulled it down. “Besides, Mike is discrete. He would never use this against me.”

“No, I suppose not. Why was he here?”

“You fainted in the shower. Do you remember? I needed him to knock through the bathroom door.”

“Shit," he ran a hand down the side of his face. "I knew I shouldn’t have locked it.”

“Why did you?”

Levi fidgeted, unsure whether to tell Erwin. But when the man raised one of his ridiculously large eyebrows at him, Levi relented, “I was borrowing your razor. Didn’t want you walking in on me.”

“Oh?” Levi saw Erwin’s eyes flicker to the towel over him. “May I have a look?”

“If you like, it’s probably a fucking mess though. I’m sure I didn’t get finished.”

And indeed, under the towel was a half-finished shaving job that he wished Erwin would stop ogling. It made Levi feel clean to shave everywhere, and he hadn’t had a chance in just under a week.

“Is this for me?” Erwin smoothed his hand against the shaved skin.

“It’s mostly for myself. But yes, you’ll reap the benefits too I suppose.” Levi took Erwin’s hand and removed it, “But I seriously doubt I can pop a boner for you tonight, you horny dog.”

“Shame.” Erwin handed him the pants to put on. “Do you want some socks?”

“Hmmm. Yes please.”

Erwin stood to pour the tea and fetch a neatly folded pair of woolly socks from Levi’s drawer. A steaming cup of tea was pressed into his cold hands; the delicious heat warmed Levi's throat as he sipped it, and the warmth spread even further through his chest when, unprompted, Erwin pulled the socks on over Levi's feet for him. No one had dressed him in years, not since his mother. And even then, they hadn’t owned any socks for her to put on him.

Levi had an unsettling moment where he wondered if this was what it was like to have a father, then pushed the thought away. He didn’t truly see Erwin like that. But he did like that the handsome blonde was nearly ten years older than himself. Not that he looked it. Levi knew he himself looked around fifteen years old. So to an outside observer, what age difference did it really look like?

In a sweet gesture, Erwin squeezed his feet when he was done and smiled at him, then pulled the cover up over him and went to close the window.

Levi let out a huge yawn, “Are you coming to bed?”

“Soon, but don’t wait for me if you are tired enough to sleep.”

Downing the tea and setting the cup to one side, Levi shuffled down the bed until he was horizontal. He could hear Erwin tidying up the bathroom. For a minute, he considered getting up to help him. There was probably water everywhere. But the bed was warm and soft, and his eyes were so _so_ heavy.

He was already half asleep when, at some point, he felt the bed dip from Erwin’s warm weight, and a soft kiss was left on his cheek. Levi let himself melt into the arms that encircled him, glad to be back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's pretty tricky to try and write medical stuff in a world where there just probably isn't a lot of technology. I's hard to tell from the manga and anime, so some of what I write tries to lean towards assuming there is limited medical tech, but on the other hand they aren't quite medieval in what they are able to achieve. So I hope you can appreciate the balance I have struck.
> 
> Feedback is always gratefully accepted. I simply adore reading your comments and feel all fluttery when an element of the story that I thought was too weird to include turns out to be something that someone else enjoyed reading. Still can't quite believe anyone wants to read any of this!
> 
> Big shout out to photogiraffe77 for pointing out an amazing joke I didn't think to use, and also generally encouraging my 'brain nonsense'!


	16. Auch der kleinste Feind ist nicht zu verachten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had thought that after so long, that particular chapter from his early life would have tucked itself away somewhere hidden, never to resurface. And in the unlikely event that it did resurface, he had imagined that it would do so in a some minor and minimal sort of way. Perhaps the odd bad dream here or there. 
> 
> But it turned out that the enemy still harboured space within him; still squatted unpleasantly in the recesses of his mind. And it wasn’t such a little enemy after all. Really, when he thought about it, the bastard stood firmly and mockingly between him and the man he so desperately wanted to try and have a happy sex life with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah boy this was a long one! It just didn't feel right to split it all up though. I felt it sort of flowed together. See if you agree!
> 
> I'll probably be back at some point to butcher this chapter completely. If you haven't re-read previous chapters you may be shocked once you do to find whole phrases and paragraphs completely gone/altered. Sometimes it takes me a month or two of re-reading what I've put to find the actual way I wanted to word something.
> 
> Also warnings for explicit scenes. If you've gotten this far and are still reading, then you've probably noticed that in general I like my sex scenes graphic and highly descriptive. It may not be for everyone so I'm giving you a heads up!
> 
> Also in case you didn't know, the Germans do their gift giving on Christmas Eve rather than the 25th December.

Double fucking rations again. Never had Levi thought he would see the day where he would have too much hot food to try and eat. And to top it off, Erwin kept trying to siphon him off extra from his own plate, as if to try and assuage the guilt that he needn’t have since receiving Levi’s blood.

“Honestly Erwin, I can barely manage this.” Levi pushed the boiled egg back towards Erwin at breakfast. He kept Erwin’s ration of butter though. “Do you know what it’s like to try and stuff yourself and then go out and train? I feel like vomiting it all up half the time.”

“You should only be on light duties and minimal training. You need nourishment. And besides, you’re getting short of breath just climbing the stairs; you aren’t fit to fly around off the ground, or do laps of the barracks with the others.”

“I’ll get fat if you keep feeding me all these eggs and not letting me exercise. Then I won’t fit into the gear and humanity will be doomed, Erwin. And you’ll feel super bad about it.”

Erwin looked at him with amusement, “You can help the others put up the Christmas decorations today. No one will be out training.”

Since yesterday, Levi had noticed that several large boxes had appeared in the Mess hall. Sprigs of evergreen plants had been dragged indoors, and four women were weaving some sort of giant holly and fir tree wreath on one of the long trestles. Mike was standing talking to a burly man with a large two man crosscut handsaw.

Levi gave Erwin a sidelong glance, “I know I’m special and all, but you really don’t have to go to all this trouble just for my birthday.”

Mike came over and put his hands on the back of Levi’s chair. “I’m gonna go and get the tree. I need a few people. You in, Erwin?”

“Yes,” the blonde confirmed. 

The group sat and chatted for a while and Levi forced himself to finish all the food on his plate. Once he had done so, Erwin took it as his cue to be able to leave. “Right Mike, let’s go. We’ll see you all later.”

“Later.” Nanaba waved them goodbye then turned to Levi, “Did you celebrate Christmas where you were from?”

“Not really. I knew it existed, but without sunlight there’s not much greenery Underground so we didn’t have decorations like this. We were always too poor to really celebrate the way you do up here.”

Pulling out a pack of cards for a couple of games, she looked excited for him. “Well, this is like your first one then, with all the accoutrements and stuff. You’ll like the food. There’s lots of cream and a great big goose for those of us who stay instead of going home to their families.”

Levi liked oily meat. And cream. Especially clotted cream. And double cream. He probably liked it a little too much, but it went so well with everything. For a moment, he imagined pouring some thick cream on Erwin’s shaved chest and licking it all off. Maybe he should have taken Erwin up on his offer to shave it. He’d ask Blondie later.

When the tree was brought in a few hours later, Levi was shocked to see the large thirty foot pine being erected in the corner of the hall. “What the-?”

“It’s a festive tradition,” A familiar deep voice answered behind him.

Levi turned to look at Erwin, who was attractively ruddy-cheeked from being out in the cold and hacking at the tree, “What does it mean?”

“It’s from long ago. Before the history books were written. I’ve always wondered myself where the tradition came from.” If anyone knew anything about history, it was Erwin. If he didn’t know, then no one did.

“Why is it even called Christmas?”

“Again, no one knows. There’s a suggestion that it was to celebrate or await the birth of a saviour or a hero who would be born on that day,”

“So it _is_ all for me then?”

Erwin regarded him seriously, “Perhaps it is,”

The trunk was secured in an odd shaped bucket that contained water and vodka. Mike claimed that the vodka would make the pines stay on longer. They spent the rest of the afternoon hanging delicate glass baubles on the tree, and wrapping reams of beads around the branches. Someone had made mulled cider, which was quite pleasant. The fact it was heated seemed to increase the potency of the alcohol, and out of the corner of his eye he could see Erwin watching him with concern. Not wanting to worry him, Levi made sure not to drink too much. His tolerance had severely diminished since giving away nearly all his blood.

There were also little pies with raisins and cinnamon in them, served with brandy cream which he adored. The final touches were little candles on the tips of the branches, which would be lit on Christmas Eve. Levi had to admit that it was pretty, and that the room smelt really nice.

He couldn’t shake one uncomfortable feeling though; gesturing towards the tree he asked, “When the candles get lit, isn’t this just a massive fire hazard?”

“I suppose it is. But it’s never gone on fire before.”

~~~

It had been a really nice day, Levi conceded. He had enjoyed the company and the food, although he worried about the mess the tree would make as it shed it’s pines. It was going to be a pain to get it out of the hall after Epiphany, which was when Erwin said it would all be tidied away for next year.

While the others stayed downstairs and played cards and continued drinking Levi had reached his limit of human contact for the day and needed some time away from the hustle and bustle of the room. Erwin had seemed to pick up on his weariness and managed to grab a couple of extra little pies and a pitcher of the warm mulled cider for them to have in private.

"Stay with your friends if you like, Erwin. Don't leave on my account." 

"I'd rather spend time with you." 

As these were Erwin's friends, and the man was a complete extrovert who got off on time spent with large numbers of people, Levi was touched that he would sack off the rest of the evening with them to spend it with a vulgar introvert who was probably a poor influence on him. 

Once up in Erwin’s quarters, Levi sipped at the warm cider and looked out the window. It was starting to snow heavily and looked as if it might settle.

Behind him, he heard Erwin feigning a cough, flagrantly trying to get his attention. When he turned round, the blonde gestured him over to stand in front of him.

“What?” Feeling curious, Levi set down his cup and sauntered over.

Erwin was nodding his head and eyes upwards, trying to catch Levi’s gaze. He looked up and saw that, over their heads, Erwin had hung a small bunch of leaves with white berries.

“What _are_ you doing? What is that?”

“It’s mistletoe. If you and someone else stand under it then you have to kiss. It’s the law.”

“Like I need a fucking excuse, come here,”

Beaming at him, Erwin leaned down and Levi stretched up to meet him. Their lips met gently, and Levi felt his hands move into Erwin’s hair of their own accord, gently mussing it from beneath his undercut.

Erwin’s hands settled into the small of his back as they kissed. It had been such a wonderful day; and this moment crowned it.

It felt like the right moment.

Slowly, Levi moved towards Erwin, walking him backwards until his knees hit the bed and he was forced to sit. Trying to move seductively, Levi climbed onto Erwin’s lap and began slowly unlacing his cravat. Giving what he hoped were his best come-hither eyes, he looped the fabric around Erwin’s neck and pulled him in towards him, whispering softy against the shell of his ear, “I want you to fuck me, right here, right now.”

~~~

He hadn’t used the mistletoe with the intent of getting Levi into bed that precise moment, but Erwin Smith was never one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Levi had leaned in to resume their kissing. Gripping Levi’s ass, Erwin deepened their kiss and tried to make it as sloppy as he could, wanting to taste every inch of Levi’s mouth.

“I can’t believe I have a twenty-five year old in my lap right now.”

“I won’t be for too much longer, so you’d best get to it. It’s probably your last chance ever to sleep with a twenty five year old, Blondie.”

The phrasing stopped Erwin in his tracks. Had Levi become so very serious about their relationship with each other? The assumption was clear; Levi wasn’t letting go of Erwin any time soon, had no plans to have anything other than a monogamous relationship. It was the first time he’d seen Levi behave possessively over him, and it thrilled him. He wanted to gather this young man in his arms and thank him for his requited devotion and affection; Erwin certainly felt he did not deserve Levi’s.

Smiling broadly, Erwin ran his hands along Levi’s sides, enjoying the accompanying shiver his touch elicited, “I’ll take such care Levi, I promise and I’m honoured to be your first. It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone ask me to be their first and to take their virginity, and I want so much to please you.”

He spoke as much to reassure himself as Levi. This moment was important, for both of them. And for all Levi's forwardness, Erwin could sense the apprehension under the bold actions.

Erwin wasn’t the sort of man who especially sought out such inexperienced partners, but it was nice when one came his way. He felt excited, and also a little nervous. He so wanted it to be good for Levi, and also to show off his own mastery in the bedroom. 

Levi’s face fell. “I’m not a virgin, Erwin.”

“Well, not exactly, no.” Erwin stroked Levi’s face, trying to coax back the sultry expression Levi had been giving him, “What we have been doing counts as sex, but I meant in this way specifically.”

“Yeah, I know. And I’m reminding you that I’m not a virgin." Levi eyed him warily, "If all this has been about gunning to be the first to get into my pants, you've been beaten to it.”

“Levi?” He felt he was missing something here. Did Levi mean the fingering? Then a horrible understanding dawned on him, and it was difficult to hide the shock he felt, “Levi, what that bastard did to you as a child, it’s-“

In a heartbeat, the atmosphere in the room changed completely.

“Don’t try and tell me it doesn’t fucking count,” Levi spat angrily, vaulting off Erwin’s lap as though he'd been burned, voice quiet but bristling with fury. “I lost my innocence long ago. I didn’t get to choose who fucking took it from me.” There was a gleam of madness in Levi’s eyes as he next spoke, as if he dared for Erwin to challenge him, “You know, I didn’t even fight him back, I let it happen. And he left money for a job well done. What do you say to that, huh Erwin Smith? I’m a whore and you know it. A nameless, bastard whoreson of a whore.”

Erwin reeled in his own shock and horror, steadying himself against the unexpected onslaught. Levi’s sudden outburst of anger and hatred came from a place of deep fear and trauma within himself. In his heart, Erwin knew that the distressed man before him didn’t mean to direct it at him; but in that moment, he just had no other outlet except himself and Erwin. It was clear to him that Levi felt a deep loathing for himself that was entirely undeserved. In front of Erwin stood a man who had suffered a lifetime of suppressing the fear surrounding being raped as a defenceless child and having to deal with the emotional fallout alone once his mother had died when he was still only a helpless young boy.

The violent thug who raised him thereafter probably only cemented in him the idea of men as takers; as aggressive, domineering forces to be feared.

He had been a fool if he didn’t realise there was still a lot of healing left for Levi and himself to do.

Taking swift, decisive action, Erwin stepped towards Levi and embraced him tightly, not wanting to let him continue down the self-destructive path that his verbal self- abuse was taking him. Levi snarled and fought against the hold, but Erwin maintained his grip against the struggling man.

As he held Levi tightly, he murmured against the side of the dark head, “You were an infant. Of course you couldn’t fight back. And that’s not how I see you, and you know it.” With those words, Levi stopped fighting and melted limply into his arms, legs buckling under him. Erwin supported his weight, pulling him up towards himself, but not off his feet.

“I don’t know it,” the child-like tone of Levi’s voice threatened to undo Erwin emotionally. “I don't.” But he knew one of them had to keep it together. In Levi’s cracked voice, Erwin heard the frightened child Levi had once been, pleading for reassurance; asking for help and comfort in the wake of the violence he had suffered.

“Well, know it now," he soothed. "You were an innocent child. And afterwards, you were _still_ an innocent child. And even now, part of you is still that innocent child. I truly believe that.” He tried to keep his voice steady to anchor them both. Rough hands gripped the fabric of Erwin’s shirt at his sides and held on for dear life.

“How? How can you believe that?” Hot, wet tears soaked through Erwin’s shirt where Levi had his head buried furiously tight against him, as though he were afraid the older man would disappear if he let go for even a second.

Erwin ran one hand firmly up and down the taut back, trying to ease some of the tension out. He began to walk them both backwards again towards the bed and, turning Levi’s hips, encouraged him to sit sideways in his broad lap. The relentless hold on his shirt persisted as they moved together, with Levi keeping his face hidden in Erwin’s chest.

As they moved, Erwin spoke to distract him, “Because I know you. And even though you were, by your own admission, a bit of a delinquent and a criminal when you were older, there is still a part of you that has more innocence and kindness and compassion for others than most men have as adults.”

Once sitting, Levi slumped against him as though all the fight had gone out of him.

“What about me then?" Erwin asked, "Do you think ill of me for sleeping with the nobility to achieve my ends?”

He felt Levi’s head shake against his chest. “No, of course not. It’s part of the job.”

“Because some could see it as ‘whoring myself out’.”

“No, it’s not. Not exactly. It’s just business.” Levi went quiet for a few minutes, attempting to reconcile what Erwin was trying to say with his own inner turmoil. The room was silent for a while, and Erwin kept up the comforting, reassuring touch along Levi’s back. Eventually, the dark head lifted slightly from Erwin’s chest. “I get what you are trying to say. I think. Thank you for trying to make me feel better.” The slight frame was still rigid with stress. 

“We will get you through this. I always want you to feel safe and happy when you are with me. And for you to know just how much I esteem you; for what you were, what you are and all you are yet to become.”

And with those words, the man cried the tears the boy never could. The sincerity in Erwin’s tone seemed to have broken a damn in the younger man and, gripping his own head in his hands in a wholly child-like gesture, Levi crushed himself against the strong, blonde man who professed to care so deeply for him. Levi’s chest heaved with the effort of breathing against the tears that could no longer be held in. Erwin rocked them both gently, as his own father had done for him when he was inconsolable as a child.

"It's like he's here now," Levi gasped out a sob, pulling hard at his own hair. "It's like he's here now mocking me, keeping you from me. Jeering at me."

"He's not here. It's just me, Erwin. You're safe." Erwin gently disengaged Levi's fists to try and prevent him from pulling out his own hair in his distress. Once freed, the hands latched back onto Erwin's shirt.

"Erwin," Levi echoed, as if to remind himself whose arms he was in, then he whispered into Erwin's chest, "I want to be with you," The desolation in Levi's normally strong voice struck deep and heavy in Erwin's heart. "I just want to make you happy." 

He laid the side of his face against Levi's hair and whispered, "I know."

He hadn’t wanted his words to hurt Levi. But sometimes psychological relief could only come from hearing difficult things and feeling strong emotions. It was clear that this was a long overdue emotional release. Levi needed to purge himself of the revulsion and abhorrence he had for himself; for the contempt he held himself in for something that was so entirely not his fault.

“I’m sorry,” the dark head lolled against him, yielding to the fatigue that seemed to have sapped all of his considerable strength. “Don’t leave me.” It had been several long minutes of heart-rending crying, and Erwin too was exhausted from trying to navigate Levi’s wild emotional swings. “Don’t leave me.”

His lover's grey eyes had an odd and unfocused look in them, glassy and staring. His incoherency made Erwin wonder if Levi knew exactly where he was, or whether his extreme distress had left him disorientated, and was causing him to wander in his mind. 

“I’m not leaving," Erwin reiterated. "You are safe here with me.”

“I’m so tired.” The man in his arms slackened against him.

“Rest,”

Obediently and within only moments of the order, Levi fell asleep against him. Once he was sure Levi was deeply asleep, Erwin shuffled back on the bed and rolled them both onto their sides. He held Levi for a while, but felt too fidgety to lie still for long.

Disentangling himself from Levi and releasing his small fists from where they were still bunching the material of his shirt, Erwin stood and pulled the cover over the younger man to let him rest undisturbed. Then he went and poured himself a large glass of whiskey, sipping until the shaking in his hands stopped.

~~~

The tears, comfort and sleep had been cathartic. Levi awoke in the familiar surroundings sensing that his memories and feelings about himself had shifted in his own brain, occupying a different psychological space compared to only hours before. 

He had thought that after so long, that particular chapter from his early life would have tucked itself away somewhere hidden, never to resurface. And in the unlikely event that it did resurface, he had imagined that it would do so in a some minor and minimal sort of way. Perhaps the odd bad dream here or there. 

But it turned out that the enemy still harboured space within him; still squatted unpleasantly in the recesses of his mind. And he wasn’t such a little enemy after all. Really, when he thought about it, the bastard stood stubbornly between him and the man he so desperately wanted to try and have a happy sex life with, always keeping Erwin tantalizingly out of Levi's reach. 

He was aware of a warm hand splayed across his belly in a comforting gesture. The man who owned it lay fast asleep beside him, legs bent and tangled with his own. Turning his head to better admire the handsome face, Levi felt his happiness warring once again with confusion and disbelief. 

_He's serious_ , Levi stared down at the hand touching him so intimately. _He doesn't think I'm used goods. He isn't put off._

Knowing that Erwin didn’t consider him dirty or sullied by what had happened to him took away some of the power that the man who had raped him still held over him. Hearing from this stunningly beautiful and powerful man that, despite what had happened to him, Levi was still attractive to him, and that he still wanted to have sex with him….it didn’t seem real. In fact, the last few months hadn’t felt real. Most days, Levi half-expected to wake up from a dream, still in the Underground, or in a world where Erwin wasn’t interested in him. A world where the handsomest sonofabitch in the world wanted someone half decent; probably a woman who was tall and beautiful and big breasted and well-educated and everything Levi wasn’t.

Wracked with self-doubt, it still took considerable effort to allow himself to succumb to Erwin’s advances when they came. His inner voice told him repeatedly that he didn’t deserve it, that if he gave into it that somehow it would be ripped painfully from him, like everyone else in his life had been. It was too painful to conceive of his having a life without Erwin in it now.

He felt terrible for having cruelly lashed out at the older man, as if it had been Erwin who had hurt him. 

_We will get you through this._ Erwin’s words replayed in his mind.

We _._

Not _‘You will get through this.’_

We.

Erwin was in this with him together. Was willing to wait for Levi to dictate the next move. And it was as uncomplicated and straightforward as that. Farlan had always told him that relationships were more effort than they were worth. For once, Levi had to disagree with him. He just hoped Erwin was getting as much out of it as he was, although he doubted it. The other man was older, more self-assured and had a strong social foundation in the world they found themselves in. What could he possibly be getting out of this relationship with Levi? Was it just the sex? It certainly didn't seem to be the virginity that Erwin kept insisting he still had. Deep down, Levi knew it was more than that.

~~~

The next opportunity that felt right came on Christmas Eve. The almost constant dizziness that plagued Levi on exertion was starting to subside somewhat, and Erwin had been wonderful in plying him with affection and affirmations of his esteem for him. Levi was pretty sure this was what it felt to be in love with someone, but it felt like a big fucking thing to say to someone he hadn’t even let fuck him yet. It might even scare Erwin off _before_ he had a chance to fuck him.

No, he decided to not say anything. Besides, he had always been better at _showing_ his feelings for others than expressing them verbally. Perhaps Erwin would understand that. That in giving himself to the older man, that he was trying to show him with his body how much he meant to Levi.

Levi was pretty sure Erwin knew it already.

He also wanted to try again this night of all nights, as a childish part of him didn’t want to wait until he was technically twenty six years old to have his first ‘real’ sexual experience. Erwin had told him that what they had been doing so far definitely counted as sex. But it wasn’t the intimate joining of their bodies that his own seemed to crave so desperately.

So, here he was. Perched on Erwin’s desk, freshly showered and wearing nothing but a towel around his hips, with the bottle of oil sitting right beside him, so that it was in no way unclear to the blonde exactly what he wanted. He waited, knowing that Erwin always came back to his office after breakfast and would be looking to scold Levi for not being there himself.

Levi had purposefully skipped breakfast. He had been concerned about the potential mess sex like this could make, and had badgered Erwin for tips on how to minimise it for the last while. The best advice he had to offer was to avoid sex after food. Erwin was probably at breakfast right now wondering where the hell Levi was, and why he wasn’t stuffing himself with his double rations like he was supposed to be. But it was all for a good cause.

The door opened and Erwin stepped inside holding a stack of notices and a plate piled high with food. His eyes widened at the sight that greeted him.

“Levi?”

“Hello handsome.”

Locking the door and crossing the room in three large strides, Erwin set the notices and plate on the desk beside Levi and ran his hands along the hem of the towel.

He quirked a big blonde eyebrow up, “Is this for me?”

“It’s a subtle suggestion,”

Erwin looked at him curiously, “What if someone else had walked in?”

“Then I guess I’d be making happy with them right now instead of you.” he replied snarkily. _That_ earned him a pinch to his ass through the towel.

“Shall I hop in the shower and join you?”

“Yes. Go. Now.”

With a skip in his step, Erwin disappeared into the bathroom. Levi could see his clothes being discarded at a fantastical speed. They were going to fucking wrinkle if he left them on the floor like that.

No.

Levi was not going to get up and fold them.

He could leave them unfolded just this once.

Erwin could just wear wrinkly clothes all day and look like a hobo.

Sighing, Levi got up, feeling compelled to fold the clothes. He wouldn’t be able to concentrate knowing there were clothes just lying on the floor. Then, setting them on the dresser, he resumed his position on the desk once again, trying to appear alluring.

When Erwin emerged, he was naked and hot and fresh and clean and beautiful. Levi’s eyes gleamed as he raked them over this prime example of manhood. Erwin stepped closer and undid Levi’s towel, admiring the shaved skin underneath.

“Didn’t think I’d be this enamoured by you being so smooth,” Erwin grabbed his ass and lifted him off the desk. Levi wrapped his arms and legs around Erwin, allowing himself to be moved from the table and onto the towels waiting on the bed. “I’m looking forward to tasting you like this.”

“Nope.”

“What?” Erwin turned on the puppy-dog eyes. Levi looked away to prevent the tactic working on him.

“Yeah, this time I’m not drunk, and you haven’t won a bet. So tough shit.” Erwin put his face into Levi’s line of vision and tried to turn on the imploring expression that he knew Levi found hard to resist. “Nuh-uh. Not gonna work.” The sonofabitch widened his eyes further and stuck out his bottom lip. Levi sighed, “Tell you what, you can lick under my balls if you want. But that’s all you’re getting.”

“But it’ll help get you ready for me." the blonde almost whined out the protest, "I promise I’m doing it for your benefit.”

“Oh, so you’ll get nothing out of it?”

“Well, I mean it’s just an added bonus for me-”

Maybe it really was necessary. Levi hadn't a fucking clue. Grumbling, he relented, “If you really _really_ have to, then fine. But don’t expect me to like it. And don’t spend too long either. One or two minutes tops.”

The bastard grinned at him, knowing he’d won.

~~~

“Get on your stomach,”

Once Levi had turned over, Erwin grabbed a pillow and placed it under Levi’s hips. Then he manoeuvred onto on his own stomach. He pushed Levi’s thigh up and out of the way, then cupped his hand on Levi’s ass to lift up one perfectly pert butt cheek; now he had full access to his favourite part of his lover. Levi’s cock and balls were tucked comfortably under him, pulling the skin of his perineum tight and allowing Erwin to tongue and lick in just the way he enjoyed best. He was glad that from this angle, Levi couldn’t see the gleeful expression he was unable to hide.

After expecting to be spending the morning filling in a dozen forms ready for the New Year and trying to nag Levi into eating, Erwin was delighted to instead find himself face first between Levi’s legs.

Best. Christmas. Ever.

He must have been an exceptionally good boy this year.

After a good fifteen minutes of fooling around and making sure Levi was raring to go, Erwin unscrewed the oil and coated his fingers, pressing them in one at a time and stretching out the tight opening. It was certainly looser now that Levi had let him play for a while, and he could tell that his ministrations had sensitised and aroused his partner. Levi had stopped complaining as soon as he felt Erwin’s tongue against him, only producing low, pleased groaning sounds that shot straight to Erwin’s cock. He knew from experience now that Levi could take at least three of his fingers, and he suspected that would be enough to take him.

Coming up to kiss Levi’s face, Erwin manoeuvred him onto his back and hiked Levi’s legs up to expose him. The younger man’s face was a picture of arousal and apprehension.

Excited but slightly nervous himself, Erwin began to babble his reassurances to his younger lover, “If it’s too much, tell me and we’ll spend some more time playing. Or we can just try a different position, or even another day. Honestly, there’s no rush to-”

“Put your fucking cock inside me while I’m still 25,” Levi ordered unambiguously.

Erwin gave a mock forehead salute, “Aye aye, Captain,”

With one hand holding Levi’s thigh up and out of the way, Erwin guided his erection with his other hand towards Levi’s entrance. The excitement bubbling up inside him had reached boiling point, and it took considerable control not to just try and ram himself home in one swift movement. He took in Levi’s young and slightly worried looking face, reminding himself that this wasn’t just another night of meaningless sex with an experienced stranger. Levi didn’t have a well-used hole that he could just rut into. Although one day Levi might desire quick, rough tumbles in the sheets, what he currently needed was to be handled carefully and well.

Teasingly, Erwin stroked the head of his cock up and down Levi’s entrance, before pushing his hips forwards and down. “Bear down a bit and then short shallow breaths once it’s in,” Now that he had something to push against, his well-oiled member slid in more easily, the head disappearing in one quick motion. Levi panted beneath him, prompting Erwin to ask, “Is it sore?”

“No,” Levi’s young face was screwed up tightly; he certainly didn’t look comfortable, “keep going,” came the strained reply. 

Erwin made to pull out, “I don’t want to if it’s hurting you,” but Levi wrapped his legs tightly around Erwin’s hips and stopped him moving.

“Just give me a minute. I’ll be fine. You’re fucking huge.”

It was true. Erwin was only slightly larger than average in length, but his girth was probably what the smaller man was struggling with.

He had spent quite a bit of time admiring Levi’s hips since they’d met, and was always surprised by how narrow they were compared to his own. Both of Erwin’s hands could wrap fully around Levi’s slim waist, and there probably wasn’t much space inside the cradle of Levi’s pelvis. With a creeping sense of worry, Erwin started to wonder if their size difference would make their coupling genuinely impossible. Perhaps he wouldn’t actually be able to fit inside.

Deciding to trust Levi to tell him if it really was too much, Erwin stilled and used the time to smother the angular face with kisses, trying to iron out the little creases of discomfort around Levi’s eyes and forehead.

Levi was maddeningly tight around him. In an effort to make things easier, Erwin decided to gently instruct him, “Try and relax a little now; breathe slowly and deeply.”

But Levi gave him a look that reminded Erwin that this was more easily said than done.

“Alright," Levi sucked in a breath, "you can try again,”

With Levi’s permission, he began to undulate his hips, rolling back and forth. Erwin’s cock made slow progress; with every movement a little bit more slid in and Levi continued to relax, until finally Erwin’s hips were flush with the backs of Levi’s thighs. It had taken nearly half an hour to get to this point, but it was completely worth it.

Some people eased into anal much more easily than others. But with no prior experience of gentle sex, a general distrust of men and his fears about his own body, Levi had psychological barriers which would make penetration more challenging, and would require extra patience. Erwin had been completely prepared to stop and pleasure the man in other ways if Levi had still not felt ready, or had struggled physically or mentally with the act. 

But now his efforts were well rewarded. Hot and tight, the passage around his throbbing erection squeezed relentlessly, punctuated by the entrance trying to contract around the root every time Levi squirmed or moaned. 

Once fully seated inside Levi, Erwin groaned with the effort to not just immediately come. God, how long had it been since he had this little control? Usually when he was having sex with someone, it took more effort to come than to not. These days, even achieving completion was a bit of a chore with his partners in the capital.

It had been many years since he had been inside another man who had actually wanted to be on the bottom. It felt so different to a woman. And with this one man it felt like everything he had ever needed.

_I’m inside Levi._

Erwin’s mind was in a frenzy of excitement at being joined so intimately with his lover. He could feel the intense heat surrounding him; could feel Levi’s inner muscles working around his hardness. The urge to rut and power drill his way to completion was so strong; his inner voice screamed at him to dominate and physically overpower the man beneath him by fucking him senseless.

And then, Erwin was brought back to the moment and his own sanity by the adorably inquisitive expression on Levi’s face as he tried to bend up to see where he was being entered, and Levi’s hand had come down to feel where Erwin and he were joined.

Erwin felt a twitch around his cock from Levi’s excitement. However Levi saw himself, when Erwin looked at this young man he saw a virgin who was relying on him to make his first real experience a memorably good one- to mark the start of his sexual journey with memories to treasure for the rest of his life. The powerful need to exert his mastery over Levi vanished and was replaced by a softer, warmer feeling; the desire to vouchsafe this young man’s pleasure, to worship him and attend to Levi's needs before his own.

The trust Levi had endowed in Erwin was not lost on him. If Levi reciprocated even a fraction of the feelings Erwin had for him, then he was a happy man. It was his privilege and his pleasure to be the one and only man Levi had willingly sought such intimacy from and he was determined to not abuse his position of power as Levi's commanding officer or as the older and more sexually experienced partner. Today, it was going to be all about Levi. 

Levi rocked under him experimentally, rolling his hips as if to coax Erwin into moving again. He shot his hands to Levi’s hips to cease the movement.

“Levi," he groaned slowly. "If you keep doing that then this is all going to be over in about ten seconds,”

Erwin shut his eyes and tried to breathe slowly and deeply. It would be humiliating if Levi drew his orgasm from him only seconds after their first joining together. He wanted to show him how long he could last, to witness Erwin’s prowess in bed first hand. He wanted Levi to come first and be impressed at just what Erwin could do with his hips and cock, his lips and tongue and fingers.

“Just let me park it for a minute and then I can get going again.”

“Fine." Levi shrugged, fingers toying with his blonde chest hair, "It’s not like I’m going anywhere.”

He let his weight lie over his smaller lover, and felt Levi’s fingertips stroke his back, move up into his hair and massage his neck. Erwin buried his face into Levi’s neck and inhaled; Levi smelled so good. Involuntarily, Erwin’s tongue snaked out to taste the sweat on Levi’s strong neck. He groaned at the effect it had on him. Erwin’s mind buzzed with the taste and smell of the attractive pheromones which Levi’s body had made to try- and had ultimately succeeded in- seducing Erwin into mating with him. Even the sight of Levi under him threatened to undo him, and Erwin had to close his eyes to fully concentrate.

Breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth, Erwin expected the immediate need to orgasm would diminish. It didn’t. Not even slightly.

Voice straining with effort, Erwin made to speak whilst trying to turn them both on the bed without uncoupling, “I can last longer on my back, if you don’t mind switching positions?”

“I’ve seen you stay hard after coming before. Why not get your rocks off once and then it’ll take the edge off?”

“Really? I can come inside you?”

It was a wonderful and unexpected suggestion, and something that Erwin had planned on asking permission to do later on during intercourse, not wanting to unload himself uninvited into his lover's body. Erwin started to consider the generous offer, but instead gasped when Levi, unwilling to wait for an answer, dug his heels into the mattress and began canting his hips back and forth. The motion massaged the head of his hardness inside Levi, and Erwin felt his own hips involuntarily thrust back.

“Arrrggh, fuck Levi, don’t-“

“Come inside me.” Grey bedroom eyes beckoned him to relinquish control, just this once.

Fuck it.

With a growl, Erwin pushed Levi’s knees to his chest, pinning the slight man to the bed with his cock, like a butterfly to a board. Mounting him fully, he pistoned once, twice and buried himself to the hilt, throwing his head back and coming long and hard, his essence pulsing into the warm, tight passage around him.

 _Mine!_ A primitive predatory inner voice growled as Erwin marked his territory, teeth bared and nostrils flaring. 

He tried to savour this moment, this first time coming inside Levi. Looking down while he was still climaxing, Erwin could see Levi looking up at him smugly, clearly pleased at having undone his more experienced lover so easily. He knew his own expression at this moment was probably pretty dumb, but he trusted Levi enough to hope that he wouldn’t tease him for it.

Giving a few more half-hearted thrusts to empty himself completely, Erwin slumped down onto his forearms to pepper Levi’s face and lips with kisses and kitten licks. His orgasm always compelled him to smother Levi with affection; Erwin knew he certainly wasn’t like this after sex with anyone else. Some perfunctory cuddles were all well and good, but he would usually only do it out of politeness.

“Mmmmm.” He sucked and nibbled on Levi’s earlobe, coming slowly down from his orgasmic high.

“See? I told you you’d still be hard,” came a teasing voice in his ear. 

Levi’s entrance still had a vice-like grip around the base of Erwin’s member, which helped maintain his erection somewhat. It was still a little bit mortifying to have come so quickly. But Levi didn’t seem to mind, so he tried to let it go.

~~~

Although Mother Nature had imbued in Levi the deep, _deep_ desire to be fucked by tall, muscular and devastatingly well-endowed men, she had cruelly ill-equipped him to actually be penetrated easily by a man of Erwin’s size.

Therefore, it was with some trepidation that he allowed himself to be under Erwin, with the man’s hips pressing between his legs. He couldn’t help the gasp that escaped him when Erwin first nudged the head of his beautiful cock against his opening. It was blunter, clumsier and hotter than his fingers, and didn’t slip in just as easily.

When he had seen Erwin’s erection for the first time, he couldn’t help but admire it’s proud upward curve and the way the root was as thick as the rest of the shaft. It looked equally nice when it was soft, and always felt good in his hand. He enjoyed the feel and taste of Erwin in his mouth as well; the juxtaposition of the soft skin over the hardness of the erection, the texture of the veins that ran along the length. His own cock looked different. He supposed they all probably looked different. But Erwin seemed to like his too, so that was nice.

He struggled with the sensation of being overfull when they first tried to couple. This hadn’t caught him completely off-guard; he knew that it was already an endeavour to take Blondie’s tongue or fingers. He tried to follow Erwin’s instructions- the other man surely knew what he was doing- and bear down and relax in sequence as instructed. After what felt like a very long time, the ridged head of Erwin’s erection nudged past his prostate, nestling against it and Erwin was as deep as he could go.

_Erwin is inside me_

It was a long time coming, and Levi’s mind was jumping for joy at his finally agreeing to give into what his body had wanted from him for a long, long time.

Now that his body had it’s heart’s desire, Levi wasn’t sure exactly what to with himself; should he run his hands over Erwin, or hold onto him? Should he move his hips, or keep them still? Would Erwin want him to clench or relax around him? In the end, he decided to try and not overthink it. When learning any new skill, his body always seemed as if it already knew exactly what to do, almost as if he’d done it hundreds of times before. This would surely be no different.

The full feeling was now quite pleasant rather than overwhelming. He tried rolling his hips to shift the hardness inside him more firmly against where it felt good, but Erwin stopped him. The man looked constipated. Perhaps Levi was too tight around him and hurting him?

But no, it turned out that Erwin was just on the verge of coming, but wanted to save face and not climax the second he was inside Levi. And after all that talk of his prowess in bed. Levi couldn’t help but smirk at being the cause of Erwin’s loss of control.

In the end, it took little convincing to persuade Erwin to give in and come. After a frankly negligible amount of thrusting, Levi could discern the odd sensation of a warm, slightly full feeling in his pelvis, alongside Ewrin's girth which was somehow still at full mast. There was a new feeling of slipperiness now as well when Erwin moved inside him. Knowing that he had Erwin’s cum inside him was causing nothing short of a miniature celebration inside Levi’s head. He could almost imagine little people dancing jigs inside his brain, waving little flags, setting off celebratory fireworks and throwing confetti in jubilation. He wasn’t sure he had ever felt so preposterously pleased about anything in his life.

There was only one thing he was worried about.

He peered up through his shower-damp bangs at his older lover, “Does it matter to you that I’m not hard?”

Erwin panted as he recovered from his powerful orgasm, “It can be difficult to stay hard when you are on the bottom. As long as it all feels good, it doesn’t matter.”

Letting Erwin come first seemed to have allowed him to regain use of his brainpower again, and he was rolling his own hips as he spoke, causing Levi to gasp as the cock inside him pressed his sweet spot against the inside of his pelvic bone.

Erwin growled in his ear, “I’m going to use your whole body to make you feel good, Levi.”

Bucking his hips up against the bigger man, Levi's lips curled into a sultry smirk, “Come on then hot stuff, give it to me. Fuck me hard. Show me what I’ve been missing out on.”

Erwin laughed, “It’s not quite like that. I’m not just going to pound you for the next half an hour. You’d be ruined.”

“Then what do we do?” Levi had just imagined Erwin going hell for leather once he was inside, and had assumed that it would eventually get him off too.

Kissing Levi's neck, Erwin gave a rotatory movement with his hips, “It’s more like a rocking motion. Like grinding.”

“Like the way you dance when you’re feeling all sappy and romantic?”

Erwin nodded, “Exactly. And we can try different positions too and see what you like best.”

“This position is good.” This way Levi could lie back and admire Erwin’s torso and arms which were looking extremely pumped after his brief exertion. He gave his best sultry look up at the blonde, “Go on then, big guy. Make me scream.”

“Your wish is my command,”

It wasn’t at all what Levi had imagined sex with another man would be like. It was neither rough nor rushed; no fight for dominance occurred between them, nor demonstrations of the power one held over the other with shows of degradation or strength. There was no threat of violence or aggression, no sense of impending brutality. Erwin was gentle and considerate. It was a slow burn; an agonisingly unrushed grinding of Erwin’s hardness up against the place inside him that Erwin could also reach with his fingers. Levi could feel an unhurried pressure build up inside him as he lay entranced by the blonde hunk of a man above him, who was leisurely gyrating his hips up into his own. All the while, Erwin was attentive with his words and lips and fingertips; Levi found himself unable to look away from the intensely fond expression directed down at him through those stunning blue eyes. It felt like he was being touched everywhere all at once, inside and out. 

It had worried Levi for some time that part of what Erwin thought he was getting out of their relationship was the possibility of taking his virginity. It had felt wrong to let Erwin believe that, but no matter how Levi had tried to convince Erwin that he wasn't coming to his bed a virgin, the blonde clearly didn't agree, and seemed to believe that his childhood experience categorically changed nothing regarding Levi's innocence. Erwin’s reassurances, touches and fond gazes since had been the most physically and emotionally nourishing thing Levi had experienced in living memory, and that they continued during sex was more than Levi could have dreamed of. 

He was sure now- _this_ was what it felt like to trust and love another man completely. It drove every other thought out, including his own revulsion of himself and replaced it with a warm, wholesome and rather overwhelming feeling. 

The deliberately slow pace meant that there was absolutely no pain. He had expected some and was prepared to endure it. But the time that his lover had taken to stretch him meant that the tautness around Erwin’s girth added to rather than retracted from the pleasure. There was no mad in and out thrusting like he’d imagined either. Levi allowed his hands free reign, and revelled in the feel of hard, contoured muscles across Erwin’s strong back, chest and arms. The fact that the pace was steady meant that Erwin didn’t look as if he were tiring as he had done earlier. Levi felt a little guilty for lying on his back doing nothing, and leaving all the hard work to Erwin, but he found it difficult to concentrate around the tight coil building in his pelvis and was sure that was what Erwin would want him to concentrate on. Besides, he was already a little short of breath despite merely lying there rather passively under his lover. Once he had made more blood in his veins in the weeks to come and a bit more experience to boot, he was sure that he would be up for more adventurous sexual positions.

“You’re doing so well, Levi.” Erwin certainly sounded pleased with him, and that did strange things to Levi’s brain these days. “Are you close? It feels like you are.”

Levi felt like the only sounds he could produce were odd mush buckets of stretched out vowels and rhythmic grunts. Again, Erwin seemed to be enjoying them, and it seemed to inform him which of his movements Levi liked best.

The bastard continued to murmur seductively in his ear, “And it sounds like you are, too.”

How was the man even able to talk? Levi felt himself tense slightly around Erwin after one particularly masterful thrust, and some of Erwin’s cum from earlier escaped out and dripped slowly down his ass.

The feeling caused something in his head to misfire; quite suddenly and unexpectedly, the heat deep and low inside his belly coiled so tightly that it almost hurt, and then it passed the point of no return. Levi gasped in a breath as it throbbed, sending a wave of pleasure surging up through his whole body. Shocks of bliss shot down the inside of his thighs to his feet, toes curling so tightly that the muscles began to cramp.

He could have sworn he’d gone blind; his eyes rolled completely back into his head as the glorious feeling returned over and over again, his ass tightening and releasing around Erwin’s rock hard cock with each wave, and he was deafened by a rushing, roaring sound in his ears. Distantly he could hear Erwin telling him to breathe, but as those hips continued their relentless drive into him, Levi felt he could do nothing but hang on for dear life and wait for the pleasure to subside. Vaguely, he could hear himself calling Erwin’s name in between his lungs trying to snatch small panting breaths. 

It only diminished once Erwin stopped moving, and Levi could just about feel a warm hand shaking him slightly.

“-evi?”

“Mmmm?”

“Levi? Are you alright?”

“Mmmmhmmm,”

“Can you speak?”

He could barely open his fucking eyes, let alone get his tongue to work. Eventually he managed to get his vision to focus on Erwin who was looking down at him with relief evident on his features.

“Thank God. I thought you’d blacked out.”

“Hmmmm,”

Erwin was still inside him.

“Are you sore?”

“Hmmm?”

“Levi, can you answer me?”

Levi unlocked his now stiff legs from around Erwin’s broad waist and stretched them out. “No. Not sore.”

“So, it was good?” Erwin looked desperate for reassurance that Levi had enjoyed it, as if it wasn’t completely fucking obvious already.

Levi looked up at him from beneath hooded eyes, “It was out-fucking-standing Erwin.”

The blonde beamed down at him, pleased beyond measure.

~~~

“So you _do_ want me to shave?”

They remained together face-to-face after Levi had come, Erwin still inside him and stroking his dark, sweaty hair back off his face. Basking in the warmth of their shared body heat, they conversed quietly. One of Levi’s legs was still wrapped round Erwin’s waist, and the foot of his other leg had stretched out to softly brush Erwin’s calf.

“I was thinking maybe your chest. If you don’t like it it’ll grow back soon enough.” Levi toyed with the blonde chest hairs. “I like your body hair. I just don’t like mine.”

“We’ll have to get ready to go downstairs soon. For food and gift giving.”

“Hanji already gave me their gift before they went to stay with their brother for Christmas. Got me a ticket to the circus with them in January. Said they thought it would really be my kind of thing.”

Erwin traced a finger gently around one of Levi’s nipples. “You know, _I_ would really like to go to the circus.”

“Do _you_ want the ticket, Blondie?”

“No, that’s not what I’m asking.”

“Are you fishing for me to take you on a date to the circus? Because I will if you’d like. But I would have thought every surface-dwelling kid would have been to the circus at least once in their life?”

“Father was going to take me when I was six. But then I came down with the sweat and we missed it.” His hand trailed up into Levi’s soft hair, “Where were you when you were six?”

“I think I was around that age when my mother died.”

Knowing words wouldn’t suffice in expressing exactly what he felt, Erwin placed a soft kiss on each of Levi’s closed eyes.

“And then someone came and found you, right?”

“It was about six days after.”

“You were alone for six days?”

“Yeah.” Levi reached up to smooth Erwin's eyebrows for him.

“Didn’t you go and look for help.”

“No, I was too scared. I knew what would happen to orphans found alone in the Underground. They disappear, trafficked for sex work. Besides, I'd never actually left the room before. Where would I have gone?”

Erwin felt his heart stop- Levi had spent six years in one small room? His whole young childhood locked in a room in a cheap brothel? Trying not to weep at the thought, he swallowed hard, “So, what _did_ you do?”

“Nothing really. It took me a while to realise she was really gone. I cried at first because I wanted her back. But then I knew that I would be with her soon, so I stopped. I ate what food we had left. Then when it got cold, I put on her nightdress to keep warm. It smelled of her, so that was nice. Then the candle burned out and I cried some more. I remember being hungry and thirsty and crying a bit more about it. But then at some point, I stopped feeling anything. I just went with it. Then _he_ appeared and took me away.”

There were no words for how Erwin felt. Usually, he always had words. Words for every conceivable scenario. Phrases ready to hand for difficult situations, shortcuts to deal with tricky conversations and steer them in the direction he wanted. Heuristically, he was ready for most encounters. But for this conversation, he suddenly found himself at a complete loss.

“I don’t begrudge you having it a bit better than me you know.” Levi stroked a hand down his back, clearly sensing his discomfort.

“You must have been only skin and bone after that long alone.”

Levi gave a faint nod, “He thought I was dead at first. The room stank of shit, piss and rotting flesh, but I was too numb to care anymore.”

Erwin stroked the slowly drying bangs back from Levi’s forehead, “When I was that age, I was so carefree. I loved going to school with my father, playing and laughing all day and then when I was sick all I hoped was that father would take us to the circus when I got better.”

“I hoped that whoever found us would bury us together, so we wouldn’t be alone when we were both dead.”

Later that night when Erwin finally had a moment alone, he would let himself weep at the remembrance of those words. Not now in front of Levi. It would look like pity to him and he would hate it. But it wasn’t pity. They were tears of anger and rage. What sort of world did they live in where a child’s only dream was to be buried with their dead mother when they too finally died alone from neglect, starvation and exposure?

For a minute he allowed his head to rest beside Levi's on the pillow, his face tilted so he was staring at the side of his lover's face. Levi turned his own head to rest their cheeks together, his eyes closed. Slowly, the younger man nuzzled his face with his pert little nose, trying to comfort him. Swallowing down tears, Erwin wanted to scoff at himself for being the one needing comfort in this situation. He forced himself to try and continue the conversation without sounding too upset.

“And how was the man who took you in related to you?”

“I assume he was one of mom’s clients. But I don’t really know. He got me some food and taught me how to survive. He was often gone for long periods of time, then would come back covered in blood that wasn’t his own. One day, I saw him leave and he never came back. I waited for him for a while, but then I just got on with life without him.”

“What age were you then?”

“Not sure. I don’t think I’d hit puberty yet. _That_ was a fucking shock. No one warned me about _that_.”

Erwin couldn’t help but laugh, “If it makes you feel any better, I only found out quite late myself. I got the talk from Mike when I was fourteen, believe it or not.”

“I got the talk from _you_ when I was twenty-fucking-five.”

Erwin bellowed out a laugh at that.

Shaking his head, Levi continued, “I don’t know what I’d have thought as a kid if someone told me that when I hit sixteen I’d get all gangly and want to take off my clothes with other men. God, I bet you thought I was such an idiot.”

“No, of course not. In a way I was pleased. You being brave enough to ask showed me how much you’d grown to trust me. When I drew you that diagram of what women look like, you seemed disgusted rather than interested, and it pretty much confirmed to me that you were gay. You allowing yourself to be vulnerable with me gave me the courage to kiss you.”

Levi played with Erwin’s fingers on his left hand, “Do you think we’d still be just friends if you hadn’t? Because there was no way I was ever making the first move. If it were up to me, I’d be pretending that I still didn’t know all my alphabet so I could come and have lessons with you every evening, or say that my bed was still too fucking cold even in the height of summer so I could climb into yours.”

Erwin shook his head, “I think it would be impossible for us to have not kissed by this point. The chemistry between us is just too strong. I simply would have chosen a different moment. I’d already decided that I desired you.” Erwin entwined their fingers, “When did you realise you liked me?”

Levi pretended to consider the question, “Probably when you first whipped out your giant horse cock.”

“Levi, be serious,” Part of him really wanted to probe and find out exactly what Levi thought of him.

The young man's slim eyebrows furrowed as he thought, “I grew fond of you when you were teaching me to read and write, and I realised that you were actually a closet dork who masqueraded as a hard ass. Then after you took care of me when I was sick, I felt I could trust you. We started sharing a bed, and I remember wishing you would reach out in your sleep and accidently touch me. When we did ever touch, it made me giddy, even if it was only brief. I mean, I found you handsome from the moment I saw you, but I found you more attractive the more I got to know the real you. What about you?”

Sighing and combing his fingers through soft, dark hair, Erwin elected for his own truths, “Well, I was an idiot and tried to deny that it was more than physical attraction for far too long. Really, I felt you were going to be special from the very second we locked eyes in the Underground. I couldn’t help but admire your genius with the gear and in battle.”

He smiled and let his eyes become unfocussed as the memory unfolded, continuing, “I remember thinking ‘ _By the Walls, this man’s wings are real!’_ That _you_ yourself were the true embodiment of the wings of freedom.” Erwin traced Levi’s eyebrows, “I mean, I also thought you had such a beautiful face and body, and you made me laugh when we were together. I began to notice you were doing little things for me that were beyond the call of duty. I would find myself alone at my desk and look up wishing you were sitting opposite me. I would hear the door open and hope it was you coming with tea or even to just insult me. Every time I went into a room I looked around to see if you were there. If I saw something interesting, I would look forward to telling you about it when I next saw you. And then- then you got sick. I was so sure……..”

Erwin felt his breath catch, unable to finish the sentence. Levi waited patiently for him to resume talking.

“I was so relieved when you started to get better. And then you took that bullet and I felt like the world’s biggest asshole. And then I felt bad for taking advantage of you when you weren’t in your right mind after hitting your head. I thought it was my fault you had another seizure. I couldn’t bear to see you suffering and so helpless due to my lack of consideration.” He felt Levi trace his fingers along the muscle of his shoulder and gave a gentle smile, “But I have to admit, I loved it when you were under observation and it was my turn to watch you, and we just got to sit together and read books and talk and drink tea, and I didn’t have to think up some silly excuse to keep you there. And now when I open my drawer I see your little clothes beside mine, and they’re all so neatly folded.”

Levi tsked gently, “I really can’t understand how you’ve been in the military this long and still haven’t learned to fold your shit properly. Isn’t that something you learn on your first day?”

Deciding to not let the conversation move to laundry, Erwin leaned down and silenced him with a deep kiss, feeling himself start to stir again. When they parted, Levi was looking at him curiously.

“So, did Mike just give teenage-you the 'straight-man’s-guide' to life?”

“No, he was thorough. We talked through pretty much all of it. Don’t forgot, we were cadets and shared a dorm with lots of other boys. And he knew I liked him.”

“You did?!” Levi’s eyes bulged and he made a fake retching sound. “Ugh, Erwin. By the Walls, what sort of taste in men do you have? I mean, I knew it was bad, but Mike? Really? Where else has your fucking cock been? Will you fuck anything? Who else am I gonna find out you have a boner for? Shadis?”

“Oh hush.” Erwin reached around and slapped Levi’s bottom playfully.

“And did you-?” Levi left the question unfinished.

“Naturally, we-“

“Shut up.” Levi put his hand over Erwin’s mouth, but it didn’t stop him. “Stop talking about fucking Mike when you are still inside me.”

“-uthed do dressle do dedied dho bhould be nn tob”

“What?” Levi removed his hand. And Erwin licked his lips.

He took a breath, “We used to wrestle to decide who would be on top.”

Levi’s mouth dropped open comically. Then the corners of his mouth curled upwards, and an odd, pleased, faraway look appeared in his eyes. Erwin pinched Levi’s ass hard.

“Ow! Hey!”

“For someone who claimed the idea of the two of us is so very abhorrent, you certainly look as though the mental image is a pleasing one.”

Levi shrugged, “Hey, what can I say.” Levi twirled a lock of Erwin’s hair around his index finger, “Tall, strong, dumb blondes seem to be my type.”

“He’s definitely more of a ladies man now though." Erwin leaned down to place a kiss behind Levi's ear, "I remember when he first had sex with a woman he immediately came to find me and brag about it.”

“What, you set him straight?" The young man scoffed, "What does that say about your so-called prowess in bed?”

“I think he did it with me more out of frustration than because he enjoys sex with men per se. I don’t think that it was my poor performance that straightened him out.”

“So if he’s a ladies man, by your definition does that make me a man’s man?”

Shrugging his shoulders, Erwin said truthfully, “I don’t know, but I don’t think there’s anything more manly than fucking another man.”

“If only the rest of the world thought like that, huh?” They lay in silence for a while. Levi stared unblinkingly at his face for an unnervingly long time. “I bet you were a cute kid. All big blue eyes and blonde hair. I was a scraggly fucking runt.”

“I wonder if we’d have been friends if we’d met as children.”

Levi shrugged, “Who knows. My inner child seems to get on well with yours. I can tell because you laugh at all my japes, even the really bad ones.”

Looking down at Levi with amusement, Erwin had to agree that he found the other man highly entertaining, “It’s a pity the world didn’t know you better for your japes. You’re rather likeable, you know.”

Levi looked at him in mock astonishment, placing a hand on his own chest, “I’m glad my boyfriend finds me _likeable_.”

Erwin felt his amused smile diffuse into an open expression of happy shock, and he raised his eyebrows at Levi, “Boyfriend?”

Levi froze, blushing darkly and suddenly taking on the pretence of being very interested at something behind Erwin’s head, mumbling quietly, “Yeah, well. You know. Boyfriend. Bed warmer. Fuck buddy. Whatever.”

Erwin felt himself grow hard again inside Levi.

“Are you serious?” Levi looked agog, “Calling you that turned you on?”

“Naturally,” Erwin shifted his hips forward, feeling as if his chest would burst from happiness at Levi’s inadvertent slip. He didn’t want to embarrass Levi by engaging him in an in-depth conversation about where exactly there were in their relationship, especially not at the precise moment that all the blood in his body was rushing from his brain to his groin. “Are you up for another round?”

“Absolutely. Don’t we need to get ready for dinner soon?”

“I’d better get to it then,”

~~~~

On Christmas Eve night, everyone who had stayed for the festive season gathered in the Mess hall. There were around fifteen people, but to Levi there looked to be enough food cooking in the kitchens for double that number. It was time to light the candles and sing around the tree. Then it would be party time. Levi was struggling to control the ferocious growling noises his stomach was making, having gotten a whiff of the roasted geese that drifted out from the kitchens. He hadn’t eaten all fucking day by this point and was starting to feel a bit faint from the hunger pangs.

Shadis came in with a large candle and one-by-one, everyone took a small candle from the tree and lit it from his.

“It’s symbolic,” Erwin had told him, but Levi wasn’t sure what exactly it was supposed to mean. They all placed their candles on the tree, and Levi had to admit that it was a pretty sight, even though it was now at high risk of setting alight and killing them all.

_Rumble-rumble-rumble_

“Hungry? I’m starving too, let’s eat!” Mike was standing behind him, having clearly heard Levi’s gut protesting at having to wait for the food. Levi was certain that the blonde man had been sniffing his hair. He was almost sure he’d washed enough that Mike wouldn’t be able to smell Erwin on him. Or their sex. Levi regarded Mike, now seeing the shaggy blonde in a whole new light. The two looked at each other a moment too long. His ears reddened when he saw Erwin’s amused expression on noticing them staring at each other, and he quickly looked away.

For one night there would be no seating in order of rank along the trestle table. Shadis took a place among some of the older men at one end of the table, and Mike sat beside Nanaba. Levi looked down the table to where everyone was sitting; for a second he looked at everyone’s faces to try and decide where to sit. But Erwin happened to look up, and happened to smile. It was decided. He took his place by him, opposite Nanaba.

They had a merry time. Levi was glad that he had chosen the morning to have his sexual awakening, as he wasn’t sure they would have managed to enjoy fucking nearly as much when they were both so full of food.

After eating a pudding that had been set on fire and then doused with cream, Levi was starting to wonder how he was going to actually manage to walk back up the stairs to Erwin’s quarters with a belly so full. He was taken aback when Erwin produced a beautifully wrapped box and slid it sideways towards him.

“Merry Christmas and happy birthday for tomorrow!” Levi had never been gifted something in such an elaborate way. He dragged out the unwrapping process, slowly undoing the ribbon and trying to not rip the beautiful paper around the box. Inside was a tea set made of real china. Levi felt himself at a complete loss for words, and totally unable even to look at Erwin for fear that his face would give away how overwhelmed he felt at the gesture. When he tried to speak his gratitude, the words caught in his chest. Hoping Erwin would understand, Levi busied himself inspecting the cups, saucers and teapot. There were beautiful blue patterns painted on them, and the porcelain was feather light. “You like it then?”

Levi nodded silently, his hands lingering on the china, before carefully putting it away and rewrapping it completely. He then reached under his chair and handed Erwin his gift. He was worried that it wouldn’t compare favourably to how much Erwin must have spent on him, but the blonde seemed delighted by the hair gel he’d gotten him.

“That stuff is really good quality, Erwin.” Mike took the bottle to have a look and a sniff, “It definitely smells better than the stuff you have been using. It reeks. I might have to occasionally borrow some of this from you.”

“And this is for Shadis from you.” Levi quietly produced an odd-looking, unlabelled pot and handed it to Erwin. “It’s some of that bald-be-gone stuff from that witch I was telling you about.”

“Thank you. I would ask how you managed to get hold of this, but I’m not sure I want to know. Do you just slather it on?”

“There’s specific instructions. It’s probably best I do it for him.”

Later, he heard Erwin giving it to the commander when no one else was paying them any attention.

“Happy Christmas sir,” Erwin handed him the jar. “I managed to source some for you. Although Levi is the one with the specific instructions for it.”

Shadis looked pleased. “Send him up to me tomorrow.”

Levi could only smirk around his cup of mulled ale. He would look forward to it.

~~~

“You’re falling asleep on your feet.”

Levi startled at the low voice in his ear. Unbidden, he had decided to clean the kitchen and clear away the dirty dishes from dinner. He hated the idea of leaving it; and had spent the last two hours wiping surfaces, mopping the kitchen floor and clearing the trestle table once the others had finally left. Now he was standing at the sink, apparently dozing off while finishing the last few plates.

“Well if we leave it, we’ll get rats. And ants.”

“Come to bed,”

“I will once this is done. It’ll only take a couple more minutes. You head up and make some tea or something.”

~~~~

Erwin awoke in the morning to a brilliant white light streaming in through where the curtains in his room didn’t quite meet. It had snowed heavily overnight, and white powder lay thick and glistening in the low winter sun. There was frost on the inside of the panes, and his breath was visible in the air. He shivered and hunkered back down under the cover, not looking forward having to get up and face the chill of the room.

He had become spoilt over the last few weeks by Levi always getting up before him and lighting a fire to warm the room, so to wake up to the cold was a bit of a shock. Under the covers Levi was pressed against him for warmth and hadn’t budged all night from the face-to-face position they’d fallen asleep in. He was using Erwin’s arm as a pillow, but his head was so light that the limb still had feeling in it.

Habit drove Erwin’s stomach to growl, despite eating so well last night. There would be no reveille today, but it was still time to get up and eat. He extricated himself out from under Levi, who remained sound asleep, and went to make up the fire and get ready for the day.

Even despite taking his time and allowing a quarter of an hour to elapse as he stomped noisily around the room getting dressed and washed, Levi remained fast asleep. Deciding Levi must be truly exhausted, Erwin tucked the cover firmly around him and left him to sleep, before heading down to the Mess hall to get them both a plate to have upstairs.

There were only a couple of people in the Mess. They looked extremely hungover, but had dragged themselves from their beds to cook a hot breakfast. There was plenty on the hot plate for others to help themselves to, as well as leftovers from the night before.

Balancing his plates and a flask of milk, Erwin returned to his quarters. With one foot he opened the bedroom door and set them up on the dresser. The fire was well established now, and it would be nice to have some tea with the food. Once it was brewed, he sat on the edge of the bed and laid a hand on Levi’s shoulder, rubbing it slightly with his thumb.

“Levi?”

“Mmmmm?”

Erwin placed his lips against the shell of Levi's ear, “Happy Birthday,”

It must have tickled a bit, as the younger man crooked his neck to hide his ear, “Mmmmhmmmm,”

“It’s time to get up,”

Levi turned his face into the pillow and mumbled into it, “No it isn’t,”

Erwin smiled, leaning down and kissing the part of Levi’s face that he wasn’t smothering into the bed. “Do you need some more time?”

“I’m just worn out.” Between the sex, the socialising and the sheer amount of food he’d consumed the day before, Levi probably was a bit wiped out.

“You aren’t sore from yesterday?”

Levi yawned, stretching fully out on his stomach and dropping his arms back onto the pillow beside his head. One eye peeked up at Erwin. “No. A bit achy I guess, but it’s a good ache. Think I pulled a muscle in my ass cheek though from coming so hard.”

“I’ll massage it later if you like?”

“An ass massage? Yes fucking please.”

“Are you hungry?”

Levi’s eye had shut again. “How could I possibly be hungry after eating so much yesterday?”

“Well, I’ve brought you up something just in case. And there’s tea.” Erwin brought him over a cup to the bedside table. “Levi?” Soft snoring was the only reply. He’d fallen asleep again.

It was Christmas day, his birthday and he was pooped. For one day of the year, Erwin supposed, Humanity’s Strongest could have a lie-in.

~~~~

“You will tell no one about this.”

“No sir.” Levi took up his position behind Shadis, who had seated himself in the Commander’s chair facing away from Levi. Shadis was even taller than Erwin, and Levi had to stand on tip toe to reach the most shiny part right on the top of Shadis’ head. “You might want a towel over your shoulders. In case any of it gets on your clothes.” Although initially Levi had balked at the idea of getting something containing toad paste on his hands, the chance to take his revenge on the Commander for head-butting him when he first joined the S.C was too good to give up. He would simply wash his hands afterwards. Many, many times.

Once he’d woken late mid-morning, Erwin had reminded him that they had to attend the Commander today. Levi had suddenly leapt out of bed in excitement, startling Erwin who hadn’t been expecting such a response. He could tell Erwin was suspicious of such enthusiasm, knowing that normally the idea of handling something containing smashed up toads shouldn’t really appeal to Levi.

Tipping some of the smelly gunk onto Shadis’ head, Levi started by massaging it in with just his fingertips. After a while, the commander relaxed, seeming to enjoy having his head rubbed. Levi had to concede that it _was_ nice to have a head massage. Erwin sometimes did it for him; it was one of the real perks of Erwin being so much taller than him, that even when they were standing, Levi’s head was just the right height for a good head scratch. Blondie was sitting across the desk from Shadis, poring over a document that had arrived a few days earlier.

There had been no real instructions for use other than to apply liberally. But Shadis didn’t know that.

Once Levi was convinced the commander was as relaxed as he could be, Levi looked up and locked eyes with Erwin, a maniacal smile appearing across his angular features which showed off every single one of his teeth. Erwin gulped hard. Then Levi raised his hand high and with a mad look of glee in his eyes, he slapped the shiny scalp hard.

_SMACK!_

“Ow! What the-“ Shadis jumped at the slap. 

Levi administered another resounding slap with the other hand. Now Shadis was clearly too shocked to move, “Is this part of the treatment, Levi? Is it really necessary to slap me?

“Completely and utterly necessary, sir.” As Levi spoke, he kept direct eye contact with Erwin and slowly shook his head. In a most unsubtle gesture, Erwin, who was right in Shadis’ eye line, held the documents high up to his face, and Levi could see them shaking, a sure sign that Erwin was breaking apart behind them. If he strained his ears, he could almost hear the muffled snorts of laughter coming from behind the pieces of paper.

Sounding far too pleased with himself, Levi gave one more short conciliatory massage whilst continuing his clearly bogus explanation, “This helps improve circulation which will allow the potion to work."

Grumbling under his breath but quite desperate enough to try anything at this point, Shadis glared at Erwin through the paperwork he was still hiding behind, "This better goddamn work. Get on with it."

Levi gave another _slap_ to the back of the balding head. "Sorry sir, only thirty left to go. Otherwise it will all be a complete waste of perfectly good toads.”

~~~

“He is going to _kill_ me, Levi.” Erwin groaned and held his face in his hands, shaking his head in regret. He should have known Levi would be up to no good; he’d been rather over-willing to help find Shadis a gift, and that should have sent alarm bells ringing in Erwin’s head.

“That’s a real shame, Erwin. Still, it was worth it. Would you rather be buried or cremated?”

“When training resumes you know he’s going to want revenge. He’ll probably make you do a thousand push ups, or laps of the track until you collapse.”

“I think at the moment one alone would do me in, so at least it wouldn’t be a drawn out punishment.”

They were sitting up in one of the less frequented towers, eating some cold leftovers from Christmas Eve dinner and enjoying the view. Levi was listening to Erwin moan about their commander, who now sported a bright red head from Levi’s efforts. Talking about Shadis was something Erwin would only do when the two of them were in private. Alone together, their body language and manner with each other was utterly different to the front they put on for others, and the masks would slip for just a while.

“It’s just so frustrating. It’s like he’s purposefully ignoring my suggestions.”

“Oh, really?” Levi had his chin cradled in one hand as he listened to Erwin rant.

Erwin threw up his hands in a good show of said frustration, “Do you know what it’s like to be around a man who constantly thinks he is the best?”

“Hmm.” Levi gave him a strange look, “Must be irritating.”

Features narrowing, Erwin looked pointedly at Levi, “Hey, what does that mean? You don’t still think _I’m_ arrogant?”

“No, but you can be…….” Levi pondered for a moment, searching for the right word, “supercilious.”

Erwin’s eyes widened, “That’s a big word Levi. You sure you know what it means?”

Grey eyes narrowed back at him. “It means condescending,”

“Very good.”

“Patronising. Overbearing. _Sanctimonious_.”

“Hmm, it doesn’t quite mean that.”

“No, these are just other things that you are.”

In a fit of playfulness, Erwin launched himself at Levi and grappled him to the ground, then proceeded to try and tickle an apology out of him.

“Take it back,”

“No, fuck you Smith.”

With Levi being still slightly light-headed and short of breath from even just climbing the spiral staircase up to where they were, Erwin had a supremely unfair advantage over him. After it became clear that Levi was struggling for breath and was exhausted by the play fight, Erwin felt merciful and stopped, even without getting his apology. Levi panted under him on the ground for a bit before finally getting his breathing under control.

Erwin smiled down at the younger man, taking in the beauty of his eyes. When they had first met, Erwin had thought that the other man must be applying kohl to the contours of his eyes to darken them, outlining and enhancing their feline shape. It was one of the things about him that had made Erwin believe Levi was homosexual. When he had finally been able to see them up close when they first kissed, he had been taken aback by the fact that it was simply his natural aesthetic appearance. Levi didn’t need eyeliner; the eyes Erwin had long admired were all natural. They would be the envy of so many noblewomen in the capital.

A hand reached up and cupped the back of Erwin’s neck, drawing him down. Then Levi brought the thumb of his other hand up and ran it across Erwin’s lower lip, pulling it down slightly. Leaning up, Levi sighed and brushed his lips open-mouthed against Erwin’s. He could feel the younger man’s breath against his face; damn he smelled good. Would he taste good too? The tip of his nose brushed Levi’s smaller one. Opening his own mouth further, Erwin tilted his head to the side and slipped his tongue in to play with Levi’s.

Yup, he tasted marvelous. Erwin’s mind went completely blank, focussed entirely on relishing the feel and taste of the man under him. Erwin had endured many uninspiring kisses in his life; some partners simply didn’t taste as good as others. But kissing Levi did strange and wonderful things to Erwin’s mind and body. Their kisses turned his brain into mush; Levi’s unique flavour seemed to signal Erwin’s body to divert all his blood down to his cock and his mind screamed at him get the other man under him as fast as he could.

He forced himself to stop when he felt Levi’s legs part beneath him. It would be too risky to try anything else somewhere they could be so easily found.

“We’d better behave ourselves.” Erwin pulled back, “This isn’t the smartest place to fool around.”

“But I don’t want to behave. I’ve never done so before.”

“Well you are going to have to try harder this year. Santa’s clock is ticking till next Christmas.” Tapping an imaginary watch, Erwin pretended to give him a serious look.

Levi snorted, “What the fuck is Santa’s clock?”

“Santa is a fictional man who brings good boys and girls presents on Christmas day. Comes down their chimneys and fills their stockings with small gifts.”

“How does he get to everyone?”

Drawing a hand across the sky, Erwin explained dreamily, “On a magical sleigh pulled by flying reindeer.”

“Tccch. He mustn’t have been able to get a pass for the Underground then. Or perhaps his sleigh just couldn’t fit down the stairwells cos I never fucking saw him.”

“He only comes for good children.” That earned Erwin a punch to his arm. “Ow. That hurt. Points will have been deducted from you already you know, Levi. He’s always watching.”

“What a fucking creep. Well, I’m screwed then. I’m a bad boy. You’ve said so yourself.”

“Bad boys get coal and a spanking.”

“Oh?” Levi gave him a cheeky grin, “Do I have to wait till next Christmas?”

Erwin grinned. He was a lucky, lucky man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may be a little while until I update again. Between a writer's block and a really shitty rota for the next month, I'm just not sure when the next chapter will be up. Luckily for you all, photogiraffe77 has been my fucking rock through a horrible set of night shifts and has kept me super motivated. Thank goodness for different time zones! But fear not, I have most of the main storyline events thought out. It's more just the bits in between that can prove more difficult. I find domestic stuff harder to write than injury/sick stuff which you can probably tell.
> 
> It's hard for me to know if I'm striking a good balance between the domestic stuff vs. time they spend being actual soldiers, so it's useful to hear your thoughts. Particularly before Wall Maria and Erwin taking up command, I think I want to establish their relationship reasonably strongly. But it won't be all plain sailing.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr if you wanna chat and give me any feedback you don't want to put in the comments. I looooove chatting with other fan writers; it really helps motivate me talking about each other's work, and can help get over humps in the story that I find tricky. It's also surprised me which parts of the story people seemed to have liked most. I genuinely thought no one would like the seizure-aspect to the story and really only wrote it for my own enjoyment, but it seems to be one of the most well liked parts of the story so far. I love hearing about work you guys have ongoing as well, even if it's not SnK related.
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/meak-a
> 
> PS. Somewhere in the Canon Erwin actually does pester Levi to take him to the circus after Hanji brings Levi. Jealous boy!


	17. Das Eisen schmieden, solange es heiß ist.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But this had been the plan. Hadn’t it? To ensnare Levi and have him in thrall. To use sex to make him fall in love with Erwin. To bind Levi to himself heart and body. 
> 
> He’d succeeded. He should have felt great. So why did he feel like the most undeserving man in the world of this man’s love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew this took a while to write. I find the smut super easy, but getting the rest of the story to a place I wanted it to be proved a bit tricky.
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me if you're still reading the story. All your comments are very dear to me and I re-read them all the time, so please do leave me a note, even if it's just a little one!

It was a cold, crisp day, and the view from the roof of the tall watch tower that sunny winter morning was glorious. The two men up there had brought lunches and a flask of tea, and were poring over some new books Erwin had picked up from the town. Almost nothing pleased the blonde more than reading in companionable silence with Levi. One of the books was about weather predicting, and Levi had surprised Erwin in showing an interest in it; the dark haired man scanned through it, perched on the short wall surrounding the edge of the tower with his feet dangling off the side. Five miles away, Wall Maria gleamed white, perfect and smooth; on days like this, Erwin could almost see why people chose to worship the walls.

The entrance to the tower was tricky to find. It was at the end of a long corridor, which became dirtier as it as it stretched further and further away from the main castle; the cleaning teams never bothered going so far. It had been tricky to coax Levi down the long, filthy hallway at first, but the promise of a place where they could fool around in relative privacy seemed to win the young man over. Through a door and up a long set of metal rungs, and one would reach this highest of towers in the HQ. With the hatch at the top closed, it was impossible for Levi to see how high the ladder actually reached. Erwin had insisted Levi ascended first; lunch bag gripped in his teeth, totally unafraid of heights Levi had proceeded. The blonde followed behind, intent on being there to help if the climb exhausted the anaemic man. Once at the top, Levi had indeed been short of breath, but was recovering more quickly from exertion these days.

Once out on the top, Levi had spent a few moments admiring the view of the surrounding countryside and the town in the distance. It was equally nice at night time when one could see the lights from the houses and from the garrison posts on top of Wall Maria. A roof covered the open area, and a short wall around them was designed in such a way as to divert any strong winds, so one could sit up here really quite a while without suffering too much from exposure to the elements.

In Erwin’s hands was a book of what looked like fantasy maps. At least it probably appeared as such to someone who didn’t think their government was trying to hide a secret past from them. Drawn in painstaking detail were large bodies of water, bigger even than the total landmass area sketched by the artist. There was one mountain range that looked as if it stretched farther than the whole diameter of the area of current known human habitation, and whoever the cartographer had been who’d drawn the maps seemed to have left out the walls. To Erwin, this book was proof that things had been very different in the distant past. Making little notes in the pages, he cross-referenced this book with others he had read, building up a picture in his mind of what lay beyond the Wall he had traversed so many times.

Levi had spotted the book and peered over at the notes Erwin was writing. “You need to be careful where you keep that thing.”

Erwin understood his concern. There was zero chance of preferment in the corps if he were found to be committing what some in power would consider treason. It also ran the risk of even less pleasant consequences.

“I know. I’ll keep it at the bottom of the ladder under the crates,” The room below was littered with empty crates and wooden stands, probably once used to store weaponry. “No one comes up here other than us anyway. Besides, they wouldn’t have a clue what this was or who it belonged to.”

“Hmmmmm,” Levi sounded unconvinced.

~~~

That evening before dinner, they sat in Erwin’s quarters talking about the long-range scouting formation. After around an hour of debate on some of the finer points about the mid-defence formations, Humanity’s Greatest Hope had suddenly gotten bored and Erwin equally suddenly found himself with a lapful of eager, horny Levi.

Not one to dismiss such an opportunity when it arose, Erwin took his time to unbutton Levi’s shirt and mouth sloppily at the skin of his torso as he revealed it, moving the smaller man onto his back across the desk and looming over him.

He licked up the gutters of Levi’s toned abs, feeling them contract under the touch. Levi’s cock pressed up against his own insistently, and they rutted against each other through the fabric of their pants. Summoning the strength to pull away, Erwin had quickly checked the door was locked. It wouldn’t do to have someone come in and find him dry humping a subordinate on his desk.

As he resumed his exploration of Levi’s body with his mouth, Levi writhed and bucked beneath him, having already lost the ability to communicate verbally. Erwin was hopeful that in the time since they’d last had sex, that Levi had been able to consider what he had enjoyed and if he wanted to up the ante at all. In all honesty, Erwin was just pleased to have given the other man a good time and would happily perform a complete repeat if that’s what his partner wished.

He remembered back to the frustration he’d felt at the start of their relationship; how Levi had seemed to be pulling him in and then skittishly pushing him away every time they moved beyond innocent touching and kisses. Initially he’d thought that the other man was simply trying to be manipulative, to control Erwin and it had irked. But it turned out that what Erwin had considered only chaste petting was really quite overwhelming to his wholly inexperienced lover. Then Levi’s past had reared it’s ugly head, and it had made Erwin feel like a complete bastard for trying to push for sex so fervently, without giving consideration for why his younger lover might be fearful and jumpy when touched by another man.

Almost every man in Levi’s life had been a violent, threatening presence. First as a child, he’d seen countless men hurt his mother; one giving her an illness that subsequently took her away from Levi forever. One of those men had violated him when he was just an infant, and left him with terrible mental scarring. Then came along the man who had attempted to raise him and had left suddenly after schooling Levi in knife-crime and instilling in him the need to be the apex predator.

For a while, Erwin had assumed that they would never be able to progress to full penetrative sex. Every time they had tried to move their sex lives forward, Levi had suffered with terrible flashbacks from his childhood, reliving it to the point where he seemed to genuinely believe his attacker was in the room with him once more. But Levi wanted to move on with his life, and had persevered for his own sake. Erwin was indescribably proud of how resilient the other man was, and now to have actually had penetrative sex together and to have the other man truly enjoy it and desire more was simply wonderful.

The sex Erwin had with previous lovers paled in comparison. He wasn’t entirely sure why that was, and wondered at first if it was simply that the intensity of his current experience was due to it’s contemporaneousness, and that he’d simply forgotten how much he’d enjoyed sex with other people. But the more he thought about it, the more he realised that even this most vanilla of sex with Levi really did satisfy him more than some of the kinkier stuff that Erwin had thought he needed to really enjoy sex these days.

There was still so much for them to learn together. Part of Erwin was hopeful that with patience and encouragement that Levi would consider trying more adventurous sex; perhaps even some really kinky stuff. It had been a while since he’d had someone willing to be tied up, or spanked. And even longer since he’d been able to indulge in roleplay. It was an incredibly intimate thing, perhaps even more so than sex itself. The trust required was immense.

The idea of enacting a bit of domination in the bedroom over Levi was a thrilling idea, but Erwin worried it might cause more painful flashbacks. At the same time, he knew that when done right, sex like that could be cathartic, particularly in the after moments when both parties were spent and could relax and cuddle. At the moment Levi seemed disinterested in topping, but perhaps with some experience that too would change. Not that Erwin particularly minded if it didn’t but he was willing to compromise for this one man.

“Would you like to try anything different this time?” Easing up on the foreplay to allow Levi to come back to his senses a bit, Erwin looked down at him encouragingly.

He gave Levi time, both to think and to summon up the courage to admit what he wanted. Erwin knew the silence would eventually draw an answer from the younger man. As he waited, he divested them both of the rest of their clothing, hanging the uniforms on the back of a chair.

Levi was unable to meet Erwin’s eyes as he spoke, “I’ve always imagined you behind me.” A delightful blush coloured his cheeks with the admission.

“Like, doggy-style?”

“Yeah,”

“Good. I like the sound of you on your hands and knees; being able to drive into you and see your ass swallow my cock. It’s a great angle too.” He wanted to prompt Levi to give him more, and decided some open questions might be the best way to go. “What did you enjoy from last time? Could I have done anything differently?”

“I liked the depth, but I want to feel you be a bit rougher this time. Maybe order me around some.”

Erwin understood what Levi was getting at, but wasn’t sure that rougher was exactly what he meant; the less experienced man didn’t quite know yet that physically _rough_ anal sex was much less fun for the receptive partner than it sounded. Levi wasn’t always particularly good with words. His vocabulary was much more limited than Erwin’s, and the older man tried to reword it so it met with Levi’s approval.

“Perhaps instead of grinding you might like me to thrust a bit more?”

“Yes, that’s what I mean. Though the grinding felt really good.” Levi looked at him earnestly, “What about me? What would you like me to do?”

Finishing with undressing, Erwin draped himself back across Levi on the desk and ground their hips together, “I’d like you to have a good time, let me hear how much you’re enjoying it and not be able to think about anything else except my cock inside you.”

Thrusting back up against Erwin, Levi grinned, “That I can do.”

“Honestly though, you were great,”

Erwin knew that even a little praise from him went a long way with Levi, and the man deserved some after being so willing to submit to something that could have been really very traumatic if he had been with an inconsiderate partner. Erwin’s heart had swelled at the show of trust that the act had demonstrated, both at the time and afterwards whenever he thought about it, which had been approximately every five minutes since. Part of him understood that this was the way Levi showed his love; through acts of service and through physical touch.

“Really?” Levi seemed to perk up even more at Erwin’s approval of his conduct during sex. “I hadn’t a fucking clue what to do except lie there and take it.”

Feathering soft caresses across Levi’s ribs, he smiled, “I had such a good time. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed sex as much as that. And you have no idea how much I enjoyed coming inside you. I really wasn’t sure if you would want that. Some people don’t like it.”

His mind had been replaying the memory over and over again ever since. His plan had been to pull out and come on the towels or perhaps on Levi himself, as Erwin hadn’t been sure whether the mess would ruin the experience for the other man. Happily (and as he’d predicted) there really had been no mess to speak of, which undoubtedly had bolstered Levi’s courage for anal significantly. When Levi had suggested coming inside him, it had made Erwin remember how exciting it was the first time a woman had let him come inside her. There was a primitive drive within him to deposit his seed wherever it was welcome, and coming inside reinforced his sense of masculinity.

Levi looked ridiculously pleased at the remark. “Well, I liked it. I don’t really know why.”

“Some people just like to be held down and fucked.”

“Yeah. I’m one of them, I guess.” Levi toyed with the blonde hairs scattered across the tops of Erwin’s broad shoulders. “You can't seriously think I'm as good a lay as some of the more experienced people you've bedded."

Shrugging, Erwin ran a hand down the back of a strong thigh, "You don't have to believe me, but it's the truth. Sex is different with every partner; even the same positions feel distinctly individual with whoever you are with. Sex can be more emotionally and psychologically fulfilling with one person over another, and that has huge effects on the physical pleasure one gets from the experience. Maybe one day you'll see for yourself."

"I don't fucking think so, Blondie," the younger man looked at him as though he were mad. "I'm quite content with you."

Erwin hesitated, his heart feeling strangely light at Levi's statement. Usually when most men had their first sexual experience they would then proceed out into the wide world awaiting them to explore their sexuality further with multiple different people. When there was no risk of pregnancy, one could hope for a fun sexual free-for-all with whoever they could find to hook-up with. The idea didn't seem to have crossed Levi's mind, though Erwin supposed that one day that could change. Well, unless he satisfied this man so thoroughly that there was no need for him to stray from Erwin's bed. With this particular man, Erwin suspected that a large part of that fulfillment would be the day-to-day companionship they shared, rather than just their sex itself. 

Levi's voice forced his attention back out of his own head, "Tell me about some of the weird stuff you like during sex.”

“Uh,” Erwin wasn’t sure Levi was quite ready to hear about that yet. “Are you sure you want to know?”

“Yes.” It was as if Levi’s eyes were burning holes in him.

Deciding to tell him only the bare basics of the possibilities open to them, Erwin thought for a moment about potential ideas based on what seemed to turn Levi on, “I like roleplaying imaginary scenarios. Perhaps you could pretend to be my slave and I order you to service me. Or maybe I’m a Squad Leader and you are an unruly corporal and I have to punish you.”

“That’s not roleplay. That’s real life, Erwin.”

The look on Levi's face as he spoke made Erwin laugh. “And one day, if you are ready to try it, I’d like to try restraining your hands and tying you up. Maybe use a blindfold on you.”

Levi swallowed heavily; he looked intrigued and aroused rather than fearful or disgusted, and it gave Erwin the green light to continue.

“Perhaps if you had been particularly unruly I would need to punish you. Maybe spank you, or use a cane. I would make you submit to me utterly and make you beg for release.” He felt instinctively that the general dynamic between them was likely to involve Levi being more submissive than dominant in bed. But if they never had sex like that, it certainly wasn’t the end of the world.

“Would it actually hurt?”

“Not hurt as such, just enough pain to accentuate the pleasure. And then after you’ve pleased me, we would return to normal and I get to shower you with affection. That’s called aftercare. It’s important because people can sometimes feel strong emotions after sex like that.”

“So-“ Levi looked puzzled at the latter part of Erwin’s description, “-say if I don’t please you, do we not do the aftercare bit?”

“God, no Levi-“, horror-struck at Levi’s misunderstanding, he tried to correct himself, pulling Levi up to standing and holding him close, “-no, you could never not please me, that’s not what I meant. Whatever we do together will make me happy, so long as you are enjoying it. What I’m trying to say is that when the sex is over, no matter what has happened, we take time to be close and uh…..debrief.”

“Debrief? Sexy. Spoken like a true soldier.”

Unable to hold back a laugh, Erwin kissed Levi’s smirking mouth, “But sex like that- I mean, it’s great but really we’re a long way from trying anything like that. For now, I just want to show you all the different possibilities open to us. Each position feels different, and there might be some we like more than others. Doggy is definitely one of my personal favourites.”

“Excellent. Let’s get to it.”

Widening his eyes in the way Erwin knew always got Levi's full attention, he urged, “But I want you to know, that you don’t have to agree to do anything just for my sake. I won’t judge you if we never do anything more than what we already are. And you don’t need to give me a reason. A simple no will suffice.”

Nodding in understanding, Levi paid full attention to his words, “Alright. I still want you to push me around a bit tonight. I want to feel like I’ve been fucked afterwards.”

Deciding that trying a little bit of roleplay couldn’t hurt, Erwin drew himself up assertively, eyes hardening and body language changing subtly.

“Get on the bed. Hands and knees, _now_.”

Without a moment of hesitation, Levi scrambled to get in position, clearly very much looking forward to being manhandled a bit. He pressed back when Erwin stalked up behind him and stroked his ass appreciatively. Kneeling down onto the floor, Erwin positioned his face at just the right height to give a broad swipe of his tongue up Levi’s balls and towards his entrance. Levi took a breath and was about to make a protest, when Erwin raised his hand slightly and slapped Levi on the ass, just hard enough to shock him into silence.

“Now, be good and spread your legs a bit further,”

Shuffling slightly, Levi moved his knees outwards and Erwin licked his tailbone as a reward. It caused goose bumps to prickle across the pale skin, and he moved his tongue down further and began to gently stimulate Levi’s entrance.

“Erwin….” It came out as a strangled moan.

Wanting to throw his proverbial weight around, Erwin decided it was best to distract Levi with an order, “Touch yourself.”

Erwin could feel Levi tugging at himself as he gladly returned to eating the younger man out. It was the first time he’d done this where Levi hadn’t had a chance to wash first, and Erwin was a hungry dog for the natural taste of his partner. The man was so clean anyway that Erwin was sure Levi wasn’t capable of not tasting good to him. Tonguing happily away, Erwin allowed his senses to become impregnated with the pleasant, distinctive essence of his lover, his mind melting into a thicker fog of arousal with every lick and thrust of his tongue. He hummed gently around the twitching flesh, the vibration causing Levi to moan and speed up the movement of his hand on his own cock.

Erwin’s own member was rock hard and weeping furiously, screaming to be touched. He suspected that if he so much as held it in one hand that he would blow his load and waste it.

Reaching a hand beneath Levi’s legs, Erwin could feel the sensitive ball sack was tight, indicating Levi was close to coming.

“When you’re done French-kissing my asshole could you hurry up and fuck me, Erwin?"

That earned Levi another slap on the ass.

“I didn’t realise I’d put you in charge, Levi.”

“If you _don’t_ hurry up, I’ll throw you over and ride you myself.”

The threat was a tempting one, but remembering that Levi wanted to be mounted from behind and that he himself was looking forward to indulging him, Erwin moved his mouth away from Levi and got into position, kneeling on the mattress between Levi’s legs. Quickly oiling up himself first, he hoped the foreplay would be enough to let him breach the tight entrance.

Smoothing a hand across Levi’s lower back, Erwin hummed appreciatively and used his other hand to place the head of his cock at Levi’s entrance. The younger man pushed back against him in his eagerness.

Guiding the head of his erection in, Erwin bit his lip to hold back a groan as Levi’s entrance tightened around him. The tip had slipped in easily enough, but that was it. And forcing himself the rest of the way in was going to result in excruciating pain for Levi.

“Levi, you have to let up a bit or I’m not going to get any more in.” The head of his cock throbbed with pleasure at being held so firmly, but the rest of his length screamed to be allowed to join in on the fun.

Levi pursed his lips slightly and tried to control his breathing. His neck was taut and the muscles bunched along his back where Erwin stroked, trying to ease the tension out. It wasn’t working; Erwin could feel the younger man get more frustrated and knew that wasn’t going to help matters. Pulling out slowly, Erwin apologised to the now very-annoyed man in front of him.

“What the fuck Erwin, I nearly had it. Put it back.”

“In a minute.”

Oiling up his fingers, Erwin began to finger fuck Levi with just his middle finger, before adding two more in rapid succession. It looked like this time he really would need four. Maybe it was just the position; perhaps how Levi held himself this way meant his muscles just went tighter than when he was relaxed and on his back. Using his other hand to rub Levi’s lower back again, Erwin slipped in a fourth finger and twisted his hand.

“Gaaghhh!” Levi’s body lurched forward.

Stiffening at the reaction, Erwin almost retracted his hand completely, “Levi, is that painful?”

“No, fuck. Not painful. Good. Really good.”

Still unsure, Erwin went back to three and decided instead to make a scissoring motion to try and stretch and relax the muscle. Continuing to twist his hand as he prepared Levi further, he searched for Levi’s prostate, enjoying giving it some attention. Really, it was probably his favourite part of sex with Levi as he knew it made his lover shake with pleasure when stimulated. He couldn’t wait to try this angle with his cock; it would be perfect for applying just the right amount of pressure.

“I’m going to try again, alright?”

The only response he got was Levi’s ass backing up insistently against his crotch.

“Easy tiger.” Erwin was pleased Levi was so keen to get going.

This time he slid in easier; the first three inches or so sunk into the cushiony heat before he met some resistance. Gripping Levi’s shoulder for leverage, he made some rocking motions with his hips, hoping that the to-and-fro motion would slowly help ease him in the rest of the way.

While Erwin was busy trying to couple them together, Levi was jerking himself off slowly. Deciding it might relax the dark haired man somewhat, Erwin allowed it for once. Suddenly, in one smooth motion, he felt himself slide the rest of the way in. Levi made an odd choking sound and dropped to his forearms. Startled, Erwin brought his own hands to the mattress and tried to get a look at Levi’s face.

“Are you alright?”

Panting and unable to respond verbally, Levi grabbed Erwin’s hand and brought it to his cock. Getting the hint, Erwin stroked him the way he had seen Levi do it himself, and a moment later he was rewarded by hot, wet streaks painting themselves across his hand and a tight clenching around his already snugly-held hardness.

“Fuck,” Levi swore. It was the first time Levi had ejaculated during anal sex together.

Erwin brought his hand back round to his own mouth and sucked the cum off one of his fingers. Eyes wide, Levi looked round at Erwin, appalled at his behaviour.

“What?” Erwin stared him down, “You like it in the ass, I like to taste it.”

Grimacing, Levi shook his head. “You are fucking disgusting,”

Erwin lapped up the trail of semen that had dripped down his forearm, licking from elbow to hand in one smooth motion. “You don’t know the half of it, Levi.”

Levi’s face suggested that he really didn’t. Internally, Erwin laughed at what Levi’s face would look like if Erwin actually did do some of the naughtier things that he had fantasised about since first coaxing Levi into his bed. Perhaps one day the younger man would be more open to it. And if not, Erwin would just have to win more bets against him. 

“Get to it,” Levi rocked his pelvis back hard against Erwin.

“If you insist,” Grabbing the narrow hips tightly, Erwin made some slow, heavy thrusts causing Levi to gasp and cease his demanding complaints, head bobbing with each movement. “Do you like that?”

“Yeah, uhhn," Hips rocking, Levi tried to match his movements, "More, deeper,”

With each thrust, Erwin tried pulling out slightly more with each drive of his hips, until finally he was pulling almost completely out and then pushing all the way back in with each movement. He was surprised at Levi enjoying this. Women liked it, sure; but they were designed for it. Well, Erwin had never before been in the habit of disappointing in bed, and he wasn’t about to start now.

“Faster,”

Keeping one hand on Levi’s hips, Erwin brought the other to Levi’s shoulder to better stabilise the man under him as he began to drive his hips forward in measured earnest. The groans and keens beneath him were clear indicators that Levi was having a good time, and Erwin couldn’t deny that it felt fucking amazing. The speed of the movement and the tightness of Levi’s entrance squeezing up and down his whole length with every thrust was fantastic.

"Nnnhhhggh AaaaHhhh!!"

Turned on by Levi's vocalisations and the feeling of power that doggy brought, Erwin barked, “Face down, ass in the air,”

Levi obediently moved his arms so that his chest and face were flush to the mattress. It changed the angle somewhat, and Erwin could pinpoint the moment that his cock first pressed against Levi’s prostate with his thrusts. Levi’s thighs began to shake and his face flushed red as he neared his second climax. The noises became more primal and guttural, and Erwin responded in kind, calling Levi’s name repeatedly as he felt his own arousal start to summit.

The passage he was sheathed in was almost unbearably tight now, and Erwin tried to control his breathing and tighten his own pelvic muscles in an attempt to stave off his own orgasm, desperately wanting to try and come at the same time as Levi.

“Do you like taking my cock Levi? Do you like it when I fill you with cum?”

He felt Levi clench around him, then the younger man turned his head to watch Erwin’s face as he spoke. His pupils were blown and his dark hair was slicked back with sweat.

Erwin grinned at the image of the wrecked man beneath him, “I haven’t touched myself since we last had sex you know, so I’m quite pent up. Your belly is going to be filled.” He was exciting himself with his own words, and could see and feel the terrific effect they were having on Levi, “I’m close Levi, I’m going to come, I’m-“

With a bellow Erwin jerked his hips and came hard, burying himself after a few more thrusts and spilling deep inside Levi, who was twitching and spasming beneath him, clearly in the throes of his own crisis of pleasure.

It felt like he would never stop coming. Wave after wave arrived, and Erwin tried to keep moving his hips to milk it for as long as possible and to keep up the pressure against Levi’s sweet spot. Levi was beyond even making sounds at this point, and was just holding his breath and rocking back against him rhythmically. When Erwin was sure he had finished coming, he stayed inside and panted for breath, riding out the aftershocks. One side of Levi’s flushed face was pressed into the bed, his eyes half-closed. He looked exhausted.

Reaching down, Erwin straightened out Levi’s legs for him so he was lying on his stomach, then draped himself again over the man and pressed kisses along the exposed part of his face and neck.

“Hmmmmm,” came the approving hum from the satisfied man below him.

Having put everything he had into that one, Erwin knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay hard. He felt his cock soften and slip out, causing Levi to groan and shudder. There was a dribble of come that followed; it had been one heck of an orgasm after all.

Suddenly, Levi tensed under him. “The sheets-”

Erwin moved back onto his haunches and off Levi to look down.

“It’s just cum. There’s no mess. Don’t worry.”

“Hmmmm.” It was funny how Levi could make the same sound and have it mean so many different things.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll change the sheets later. Let me hold you.”

Levi turned carefully onto his side, still anxious about making a mess. Settling in behind him, Erwin put his arm under the pillow beneath Levi’s head, thrust a leg between slim thighs and spooned the smaller man from behind. Erwin pulled a sheet up to keep them warm; although he currently felt as if he were roasting alive from the exertion, he knew that once they’d stopped for a while and the sweat began to evaporate that it would get chilly. Snuggling down he luxuriated in feeling Levi completely naked against his own skin; he could feel Levi’s heart still hammering, though his breathing was starting to slow. After a few more moments, the breathing evened out completely into long, deep, quiet movements.

“Levi?” he whispered. But the other man had fallen asleep.

Pleased that he could give the man some much needed rest, Erwin looked at the clock and saw that there was still an hour before dinner. Sex normally energised him, but a bit of extra sleep would do him no harm. His stomach rumbled in protest in having not been filled in a few hours, and he tried to think about anything other than food, lest he actually wake the other man up with the loud gurgling.

He resisted kissing the man’s neck and hair, knowing it would wake him up, and instead he tried to lie as still as possible. Soon the warmth they shared and the pleasant buzz from the sex sent Erwin into a light doze, and he dreamt that Levi and he were lying outside in Erwin’s favourite spot by the river, kissing and rolling in the sweet smelling grass beneath the summer sun.

~~~~

“We are to prepare for an inspection,” Shadis handed Erwin Zackley’s letter, looking grave. The Commander hated such bureaucracy and was clearly intent on delegating the prep work to Erwin. Not that he enjoyed it much more himself. They hadn’t had an official inspection in three years now, and Erwin hadn’t missed it. The brass tended to send some lesser son of a minor aristocratic family who was completely unqualified to judge standards at a Military base; some pompous young fool who had no right other than by virtue of having a great name to have gotten the job.

But perhaps this time it was important that things went well. Especially if the inspector knew that it was Erwin in particular who kept the wheels greased.

Back in his own office, Erwin grunted as he sat down at his desk and looked at a stack of finished notices left to one side. It was a larger pile than he’d remembered doing. Perhaps he had been pushing himself too hard recently. Thumbing through them, he saw none in Levi’s perfect handwriting. All were Erwin’s own and signed by himself. He’d been sure that he’d seen Levi doing some recently, not that it was his responsibility to do any, but it was something Levi had been diligent in doing since he’d been grounded on his seizure watch.

His stomach growled at him. Looking up at the clock, Erwin saw that it was indeed time for a mid-morning break. He was just about to get up and fetch a snack, when the door opened, and Levi walked in carrying a tray with his good china tea set and laid it carefully down on the desk.

Ah, Levi.

The young man busied himself pouring them both a steaming cup, and set one delicately in front of him with an apple; Erwin had to smile at the recent memory of Levi going ballistic when Hanji had lifted one of the china cups one day. Levi had moved swiftly and snatched it away, holding it like a new-born baby and checking it over for any obvious damage.

_“But you share with Erwin.” They had whined._

_“Yes, but he bought it. Apart from him, no one touches my nice fucking china.” Levi set the china delicately in front of Erwin and poured him some tea. Then he’d given Hanji one of the plain standard issue mugs from the cupboard._

_“Meanie.”_

“Whatever you’re reading must be important,” Levi studied him across the table, sipping his tea as though he didn’t know what the handle of the cup was for, “your eyes are wrinkling.”

“It’s a letter announcing an inspection. We usually have one every few years, but it’s been a bit sporadic lately. The brass like to keep an eye on how we are spending our money, whether we are up keeping the building adequately and checking for compliance with the articles set by Zackley.” Although mostly a non-event for the majority of the soldiers, they would need to do a quick spruce up of the place and practice drilling.

“So, what? They check we make our beds and clean the place? Sounds like it’ll be a piece of cake.”

“I want to impress on you the gravity of this visit for myself in particular. No, they won’t be paying much attention to individual soldiers of lower rank, but they will report back on who they think would make a good successor in the event of Shadis’ death.”

Clucking his tongue, Levi looked at him incredulously, “You aren’t seriously worried about competition, are you? There’s no one else stupid enough to put themselves forward. Except maybe Hanji. But they’re insane, and there is no way some nobleman is going to recommend them over you. Besides, I thought it was Shadis’ prerogative anyway?”

“It is. But it does no harm to be backed by the nobility and those with financial power. All of this will be reported back to the brass. Maybe even to the King himself.” Erwin had met his Grace three times, and each time he seemed more stuporous than the last. It made him wonder if the man was depressed, drugged or a complete fraud. “Their opinion of me must be flawless.”

~~~

The day before the inspection, Erwin gave what he thought was a rousing speech in the Mess hall to the rest of the corps, impressing upon them the need to show themselves more than equal to their comrades in the Garrison and MP corps. He had practiced it for an hour in his bathroom mirror the evening before to try and perfect his non-verbal body language. It seemed to have the desired effect; half the solders looked terrified, the rest appeared pretty pumped.

Only Levi had sat looking totally non-plussed and disinterested. Erwin hoped he wouldn’t have to give Levi his own personal pep talk; backing from Humanity’s Strongest would surely look good, and he wanted Levi to be at his right hand at all times during the visit. But not if he was going to look surly or bored and discredit him.

While walking down the old corridor later, Erwin noticed the smell of lemon in the air, and could see that the floors were newly mopped, and all the window sills freshly dusted. Now that he thought about it, the whole place had looked and smelled cleaner over the last few days. Several soldiers were milling around the HQ with brushes and buckets of soapy water, diligently cleaning their own discrete areas in small groups. Erwin had a feeling he knew who was behind the organisation of the spring clean.

Upon returning to his quarters, Erwin noticed his good uniform hanging beautifully on the front of the wardrobe door. He touched the white shirt, which looked even more pristine than usual. He sniffed. Starch. The collar had been starched. And every crease and wrinkle had been furiously ironed out. Behind him, a slow clap started, and he spun around to see who it was.

“Bravo. An inspiring speech, Squad Leader. I was stirred to brilliance by it.” Levi stepped out from the shadow of the bookcase.

Of course. He should really have guessed who it had been.

“Thank you Levi. Although I have to say, I thought you looked rather unmoved by the whole thing.”

“Sometimes when I am roused to such great depths of emotion, my default is to act grave and serious. Would you rather I clap and cheer instead? Maybe shed a heartfelt tear? The others would be somewhat suspicious of my enthusiasm I expect.”

Erwin smiled, knowing the other man was right. Outside of their private time together, they had agreed to put on a completely professional front. For Levi, that meant his usual dispassionate demeanour and sarcastic humour. For himself, it would mean speaking in formal tones and discussing purely military matters. Trying to not make too much eye contact or reveal too much in their body language was a work in progress for both of them.

He gestured to the perfectly turned out uniform. “Levi, you know I don’t expect this of you. It’s well below what’s required of your rank.”

The younger man gave an irritated huff. “I don’t do it because of rank differences between us.”

Placing an arm around Levi’s waist and drawing him close, Erwin smiled, “I know. Thank you. And thank you for getting the place spruced up. Perhaps I should reward you.”

“Yes. Perhaps you should.” Levi’s eyes lit up with desire and he pressed his hips insistently against Erwin’s thigh, “What sort of reward were you thinking of?”

Erwin bent down to whisper seductively in Levi’s ear, “I was thinking of making you employee of the month.”

Grey eyes narrowed, clearly not finding the suggestion funny at all.

Holding back a laugh, Erwin licked the shell of Levi’s ear as he continued, voice low, “I could put your picture up on the wall, beside a nice plaque. Wouldn’t you like that?”

Levi pushed against his chest hard, forcing Erwin to step back and look Levi squarely in the eyes, “I want a blow job.”

“Not a plaque? A plaque would be more permanent. And if I only give you a blow job no one else will know how good you’ve been.”

“I’ll scream really loudly during it and then everyone will know.”

“But what if the others expect the same treatment if they win in future?”

“No one else could ever win. I’m your favourite and Humanity’s Greatest Hope. They haven’t a chance in hell of taking my place.”

Smiling indulgently, Erwin combed a hand through Levi’s hair, pushing it back off his face, “You _are_ my favourite,”

The praise made Levi perk up; his eyes glimmering oddly.

“Erwin,” It was as close to a whine as Levi’s voice could go, “I’ve still never had one. You can’t possibly know how much I’ve been looking forward to this. You still owe me one from me beating you at rock-paper-scissors.”

“That’s true.” Part of Erwin couldn’t believe he hadn’t given Levi head yet. He adored the taste of this man, and now that the idea was in his head, nothing sounded better than getting on his knees and swallowing everything this man had to give.

“Let me wash first,” Levi moved away and soon the bathroom was echoing with the sound of the water running in the shower.

Almost skipping out of the bathroom, Levi approached Erwin a few minutes later, already fully aroused and eager to begin. Erwin smirked and grasped him by the hips, steering him to sit at the edge of the bed. Levi moved his legs apart to allow Erwin to kneel between them. A small hand combed through Erwin’s hair to coax him into beginning. Not needing any more signal than that, Erwin held the root of Levi’s cock in his hand and lapped at the underside, pleased at the feel of the soft, hot skin on his tongue.

The first time he had seen Levi in a state of undress, Erwin had adored the appearance of the other man’s cock. It was almost completely straight when hard and had a delightful pink flush to it. At the time he had wanted to engulf it entirely in his mouth and taste the liquid musk beading at it’s tip, but had thought it would be a step too far for the completely inexperienced man. Then, not fifteen minutes later, Levi had surprised him by snaking down the bed and initiating oral sex on Erwin.

After a few experimental licks, Erwin pulled the foreskin down over the head of Levi’s cock and took the tip into his mouth. Levi’s cock was hot and slippery against his tongue, and he was already producing beads of pre-cum. Erwin wasn’t sure whether it was just the way the younger man was, or whether it was his diet, but he tasted divine. Perhaps it was all the tea that he drank, or the fact that he didn’t smoke.

“Let me use my fingers too,”

Grunting, Levi pulled one leg up to his chest, allowing Erwin’s hand to sneak up between his ass cheeks and play with his entrance.

~~

The feel of Erwin’s mouth around him was incredible. The heat, the wetness and the flickering of his tongue on the underside of his cock was driving Levi wild. Knowing that this attractive and powerful man was on his knees and sucking him off made him giddy with excitement.

When Erwin’s finger joined in and began pressing insistently against his prostate, Levi felt his groin jolt with arousal and a load of pre-cum spurted into Erwin’s mouth. At seeing Erwin’s throat bob, Levi couldn’t hold back the groan of delight that escaped him.

When he had blown Erwin before, Levi had swallowed as he thought it was expected of him. He knew instinctively that it would arouse Erwin. Plus there had been nowhere to spit and it would have made a mess. The man didn’t taste bad at all; a bit of a salty tang, but swallowing didn’t make his head spin the way it did when Erwin came in his ass.

But the taste of Levi’s cum seemed to drive Erwin mad with lust; in his mind’s eye he could recall the satisfied expression on Erwin’s face as he licked the streaks of cum from his arm after jerking Levi off during sex. Blondie’s eyes had lidded half-shut and his nostrils had flared as he’d swallowed. The older man had even tasted some slick fluid Levi had squirted on his stomach after his weird internal orgasm, but it hadn’t really been cum. The man just seemed to enjoy everything Levi had to give.

Erwin swirled his tongue as he sucked and forced his lips tight around Levi. Then the blonde gave an experimental tug on his balls that made Levi's hips jolt up. Despite being the one on his knees, it felt like Erwin was in total control of the encounter and it drove Levi mad with arousal. 

Fuck it felt good. Better even than he could have imagined.

Levi’s abdomen seized involuntarily, pressure mounting within and without. It was gonna be a big one.

“Erwin-“ he tried to warn the other man, not wanting him to gag.

Blue eyes looked up at him, burning with lust and beckoning him to come. The blonde ducked his head further and took him in to the hilt, crooking his finger hard against him inside at the same time.

“Fuck, Erwi-nnNghh! “

Legs tightening, Levi’s feet curled as his orgasm hit him. He grabbed the blonde hair and pulled the man down, and with a final jerk of his hips, Levi emptied himself of everything he had into the mouth sucking furiously hard around him. Around Erwin’s finger he could feel his ass clenching and trying to push the intruder out. The head kept bobbing as Levi spent himself into the hot, wet cavern, and he tried to stop his hips bucking up, not wanting to break Erwin’s nose with his pelvis.

Completely wrung out, Levi slumped back onto the mattress, one arm flung across his forehead, the other combing through Erwin’s hair. The other man was still sucking lightly, and unexpectedly began nibbling at his foreskin. Oversensitive from his climax, Levi pulled gently on the golden hair to discourage him, too breathless to issue an order to stop. Erwin got the hint and popped up, licking his lips and smiling down at him. The finger had been pulled out, and Levi was relieved to see that it looked clean.

“Good?” Erwin was watching his face now.

“Uh huh,” came the dreamy response.

“Everything you hoped it would be?”

“And more.”

“I love your cock, Levi.”

He sighed, “It loves you too.”

Laughing, Erwin clambered up to join him on the bed, propping his head up on his hand and studying Levi’s face. Levi moved to reciprocate the favour, but Erwin stopped him.

“Don’t worry about that for now. I owed you, remember? Twice over.”

“But I want to,”

Kissing him on the lips, Erwin stood and extended a hand, “And we will. Tonight. But I have quite a bit to do and ought to get started now. This will go down by itself once I start to think about work. But I’m sure he’ll be up for shenanigans later.”

Allowing himself to be pulled to standing, Levi poked the blonde hard in the chest, “He’d better be.”

~~~

Standing to attention in the central quadrangle, the soldiers went through their well-rehearsed military drills and performed some of their training formations for the benefit of the ignorant, fat, rich man who had come to judge them. Lord Arco stood beside Shadis on the raised platform, having already been greeted sycophantically and plied with the most expensive sweet treats they could afford on their budget. It had made Erwin sick to use their money this way, but if it smoothed the way to getting through this useless tick-box exercise so much the better.

The Lord had arrived with a surprisingly large entourage of First Interior Squad MP members, and it had caused a few hackles to rise. Shadis in particular seemed to dislike the MP waltzing around the barracks as if they owned the place; without permission they were letting themselves into rooms and offices, taking notes as they did so. It made the whole thing feel more like an inquisition than an inspection.

While all this was going on, the soldiers had been forced to stand to attention in their basic uniform for the last two hours with a cold wind whipping around them. Had it been a summer’s day, there would have been men collapsing all around them from having to stand still for so long.

To Erwin’s right, Levi stood looking highly disgruntled and shivering slightly. Almost everyone around them had a slight blue tinge to their lips, and Erwin wondered how much longer this could possibly take. He had hoped Levi wouldn’t have to take part in this particular aspect of the inspection; the man was still recovering from his blood loss and wasn’t really fit to be drilling.

Erwin had asked the medics whether Levi could have a blood transfusion to speed up his recovery, but had been told that if he received a transfusion that he would no longer be able to donate blood. As one of only two universal donors among their ranks, such action would risk future missions. With hopefully a long field career ahead of him, it was best that Levi recover naturally. Even if it meant feeling a bit wretched for a while.

Erwin’s ears perked up on hearing a door slam, and multiple sets of footsteps faded in from a distance. Hopefully now they could stand at ease for a while. Lord Arco and the MP looked pleased about something. And Shadis looked as though he were in shock.

Mounting the stage, Lord Arco kept them at attention, and held up a terribly familiar object.

“Now then,” a text book of maps was held up high for all to see, “who might this belong to?”

The whole formation stood silently, collective breaths held and staring at the book, everyone aware that to own such a book was illegal. Treasonous perhaps.

“Oh, so it doesn’t belong to anyone here?” Lord Arco sounded unconvinced. Beside him, the MP members were smirking and looking from face to face among the Survey Corps ranks, trying to catch a tell or signs of stress that might link one of them to the text. “It’s been handled rather recently.”

His chest stilling entirely, Erwin stared in horror, trying to force his body to behave as though nothing were amiss. He had kept it so well hidden. At least, he thought he had. In one of the towers that few ever frequented. The tower served no strategic purpose anymore, so sentries were never posted there. Erwin had brought Levi a few times, usually to read together and enjoy the view. Sometimes lovers met up there. But any who snuck up were in the habit of trying to snatching a precious few minutes together, rather than wasting their time searching for hidden contraband.

Heart pounding within his chest, Erwin tried to block out the unwanted thoughts coming to the forefront of his mind. If he were caught owning this, he would never become commander. Ownership of such a thing could be considered a threat to the establishment, and the possibility of being sent to prison was real. What if they linked it to him? After all, was full of his own notes and diagrams, in his own distinctive hand. Someone was bound to recognise his handwriting. Worse still, Erwin was sure that the First Interior Squad had something to do with his own father’s disappearance for daring to have his own thoughts about the world many years before. Would Erwin be next? Imprisoned, tortured and secretly killed?

The notes alone could indict him as a traitor; the death sentence for traitors was truly heinous. Traitors were usually tortured first to root out any accomplices, then were sentenced to be hung, drawn and quartered. It had probably been his father’s fate, the quarters and head displayed throughout the city and left to rot to deter anyone else considering questioning the status quo.

A bead of sweat ran down his back.

“This doesn’t belong to anyone, hmmmm?” Waving the text and smirking, Lord Arco turned to the MP Squad Leader, “If no one will admit to it, then we will have to question everyone until we find out then. Sannes!” A tall MP with a dark expression stood. “Take them one at a time and show them some of the new _enhanced interrogation_ techniques you’ve been telling me about.”

Torture. They were going to torture answers out of his soldiers. These good men and women would suffer on account of him.

Although he didn’t know from direct experience, Erwin had heard that certain branches of the MP were justifying the use of torture against those considered dangerous towards the crown; for the ‘benefit of the greater good’ and to uphold the peace. He himself was no stranger to using almost any ends to justify means. But still it was hard to bear the idea of any of his own men and women having to endure it just because he had failed to hide the incriminating text well enough.

Just as Sannes started to walk down the stairs to pick out his first victim, Levi’s voice rang out in the silent courtyard.

“It’s mine.”

Erwin closed his eyes.

_No, no, no._

Lord Arco smiled smugly, eyes showing his disbelief in the young man’s claim. Stepping off the platform, he walked up to Levi; Lord Arco must have been a good foot and a half taller than Levi, and clearly didn’t know who he was talking to. Bending over patronisingly, he asked, “How old are you, son?”

“I’m twenty-fucking-six.”

“So you’re just a rude midget then, eh?”

Levi stared him down, clearly unimpressed by the mention of his height.

“Surely you must know you aren’t supposed to own books like this?” The book was waved in Levi’s face, “Where did you get it?”

“It’s one of my possessions from the Underground. You can get anything you like down there.”

“And why exactly would you have it?”

“I use it as a door stop. It gets terribly draughty in the room below that old tower. And I had the same problem in my hovel in the Underground.” The sarcasm was lost on the aristocrat.

“I’m going to have to confiscate this. Treason can never be tolerated. If this indeed is yours, I’m afraid you will need to face serious consequences.”

A life of hardship and loss had schooled Levi into almost sociopathic levels of lacking a facial expression when required. He showed no indication that he was concerned about the threat.

“Are these notes in the pages yours too?”

“Yes.” The notes were terribly incriminating, implying that Levi really had been considering treason.

“This is your writing?” Arco looked unconvinced. “But you’re from the Underground? Are you telling me that you are actually literate?”

Levi sneered at him, “Yes, I can read and write. Probably better than you.”

Erwin mentally face palmed himself. _Don’t rile him, Levi._

“Shadis,”

“Yes,”

“I need to borrow your office. You will take us there. Guards?”

Two MP members flanked Levi and shoved him, getting him to follow behind Lord Arco.

“Erwin.” Shadis beckoned him to follow as well. On seeing Lord Arco’s disapproving expression, Shadis shrugged, “My second in command always accompanies me on official business. I’m sure you understand.”

Up in the grand Commander’s office, Arco gestured for Levi to take a seat at the desk and handed him pen and paper. Shadis peered over the shorter MP member’s shoulder to look at the book. Erwin could see Shadis furrowing his eyebrows on seeing the neat script. The Commander had seen enough of Erwin’s writing that he ought to be able to recognise it. But if he did, he said nothing.

Arco tapped on the blank paper, “If you really did write these notes, then you won’t mind producing a sample of your writing. Just to confirm it for me. If it isn’t yours, I’ll need to get to work on your comrades and really it will be a very long and unpleasant day for everyone.”

_Shit shit shit_

“What do you want me to write?”

“Rewrite this note here,”

Without missing a beat, Levi wrote. Erwin’s breath felt ragged, but he wasn’t sure if anyone else had noticed, Levi seemed calm and non-plussed.

“Well,” Arco lifted the paper, his eyebrows following in sync, “I am surprised.”

Erwin peered over. On the paper, as if Erwin himself had been holding the pen, was a paragraph in his own neat cursive. It was a completely convincing forgery. He thought back to the stack of notices signed exclusively by himself on his desk. Maybe Levi had been doing his normal share after all, but had somehow learned to copy exactly how Erwin wrote.

“I will need to discuss this with the First Interior Squad to decide the next course of action. Tomorrow we shall convene here. In the meantime Commander, I presume you have somewhere to keep this man locked up while his fate gets decided?”

Knowing that Levi would only go willingly with one man, Shadis summoned Erwin forward. Loudly, he proclaimed, “Put him in the cells, Erwin.” And handing him the keys turned back to Arco, “I expect Smith and I to be privy to these talks. After all, this is one of my own men.”

“If you insist. Perhaps we also need to discuss whether your command is too lax, Shadis. Perhaps you are equally culpable here for letting standards drop so low as to recruit criminals direct from the Underground into your ranks.” Shadis’ fists clenched in outrage at the insult, but he managed to keep his thoughts to himself.

At least this would give Erwin one night to try and come up with a plan to avoid Levi being sentenced to death. Perhaps they could come up with an alternative arrangement. A corporal punishment, or other severe disciplinary action that could be undertaken within the corps. Anything to keep Levi from the same fate as Erwin’s father.

~~~

They walked in silence to the cells, flanked again by the MP. Erwin tried to pick out the least horrible cell to house Levi, but none were particularly nice. Dank and dingy, the place wasn’t used often, as it was really a last resort as far as the SC disciplinary proceedings went. One had to be an actual criminal to end up here, and it was rare for any among their ranks to have the time or energy for criminal activities.

“I’d like some time to administer some discipline myself.” Erwin spoke in a firm tone to the MP with them, not having to try very hard to sound disappointed and angry at Levi, “I won’t tolerate unlawful behaviour within our ranks.”

The tall dark-haired MP smirked and left them to it. The shorter one looked unconvinced, but followed his Squad Leader back upstairs. The whole place stank, and they probably wanted out to get fresh air ASAP anyway.

Before unlocking a cell, Erwin turned to Levi, his anger completely unfeigned. Fisting Levi’s shirt collar in both hands, Erwin threw him angrily up against the cell wall, the back of Levi’s head hitting the brick and the sound echoing round the stone basement, “What the fuck were you thinking?!”

Levi looked unsurprised at the outburst and annoyed that his feet were no longer touching the floor. In a level voice he replied, “You are too important to lose to something this fucking stupid, Blondie. You have more to give. I’m replaceable.”

Shaking him against the damp stone wall, Erwin bared his teeth as he hissed, “You are worth an entire brigade of soldiers Levi,”

“Then get an entire fucking brigade!” Hissing back, Levi’s lip curled. “There is _no_ _one_ who can replace you.”

“Why? Why did you do it?” His normally deep voice cracked, sounding wet and broken.

“Are you stupid? What do you mean ‘why?’ You know why.”

And really, Erwin did. He knew his own worth. And more than that, he knew his worth to the young man before him. Anger draining out of him, he set Levi back on his feet and leaned his own head against the stone wall. He felt Levi’s strong arms wrap around him. A profound heaviness washed over Erwin as he imagined the warm body against him being cut open and disembowelled. His lover’s beloved head being hacked from his shoulders. For a minute Erwin wondered if he was going to actually collapse there and then.

“You know what I have to let happen, don’t you?” The MP were bound to be back to practice some of their interrogation techniques on Levi, likely as much for their own pleasure as for the chance to get information.

Levi’s voice anchored him, "I made the choice I would regret the least. We will just have to see how it turns out. I know what I’m in for. It’s not gonna be fun. It was going to be my turn at some point anyway from the sounds of it, and the only other option was letting those sadists torture each and every man and woman out there until someone cracked. And trust me, one of them would eventually, or they would extract false information and find their way to you regardless of the truth. This way, they can never get to you.”

The idea of the MP inflicting suffering on Levi on his behalf horrified Erwin, but allowing them to rough Levi up might be one way out of this tricky situation.

“Levi, I’m sorry to have to leave you down here, but I need to be up there hearing what they have planned." Trying to straighten up and ready himself for the discussions ahead, Erwin smoothed a hand across his own forehead. "If I intervene, maybe we can avoid any of this. Maybe we can arrange some sort of in-house disciplinary action. Or corporal punishment. Anything to avoid a traitor’s death.”

“I would die a thousand such deaths for you,” Levi's voice was soft and sincere. He meant it. He meant every word.

Erwin’s breath faltered and it left him choked, “Don’t, please, Levi.” Erwin could feel his voice cracking again. He couldn’t go back up there with a tear stained face. Frustrated and upset, Erwin banged his head hard against the wall. Usually he didn’t resort to violence when angry, but now he’d have given almost anything to go back to Shadis’ office and kick the living daylights out of everyone in there.

“Hey, stop. You’re going to mess up that pretty face.” Levi’s hands cupped Erwin’s face and drew him down, kissing the part of his forehead he’d whacked against the brick.

“You can’t die, Levi. I won’t allow it. You aren’t allowed to die before me. And I can’t be responsible for yet another person dying this way.”

Levi looked at him confused and opened his mouth as if to ask more, but Erwin averted his gaze, regretting saying anything. The other man seemed to understand the topic was a taboo area. No doubt if Levi got out of this alive he would want answers, but Erwin didn’t feel up to giving them now.

“Alright, but could you send down cleaning stuff? This place is disgusting. Say it’s part of my punishment or something.”

“You are so strange sometimes, Levi. Do you need anything else?”

“Food, tea, blankets, my nice china tea set, a hot bath, a nice rug, some throw cushions, a couple of stone geese statues, a-“

“I’ll try my best.” Despite the horrible situation, Erwin appreciated Levi trying to make some of his terrible jokes. “When did you learn to forge my writing?”

Levi shrugged, “Criminal, remember? Now I’m literate I’m branching out to counterfeit and forgeries. And treason.”

Erwin shook his head.

Levi scoffed, “Look, I stand by what I did. It doesn’t matter who dies as long as it isn’t you. You can see something no one else can. A future beyond these walls. How to navigate the corrupt government and manoeuvre us politically to freedom. I believe in you. Without you, I might as well be dead anyway.”

“Don’t say that,” Erwin gasped, breathless at the thought of this man’s needless death. “Never say that. You have so much to live for. Don’t make me the sole purpose of your life’s endeavour.”

Levi smiled sadly at him, “Too late, asshole.”

~~~~

It wasn’t exactly _I love you,_ but Levi’s heartfelt declaration of his utter devotion to him had broken down the last of the crumbling walls around Erwin's heart. He’d built them up over the years to protect himself from weak and vulnerable faults, one being the unlikely possibility of falling madly in love with any grumpy, fussy little criminals he picked up from the sewers. And now this small thug from the Underground was metaphorically stomping around inside Erwin’s chest and mercilessly kicking his last defences down.

In his dreams that night, Erwin saw Levi being brought to Mitras for a traitor’s execution. A truly terrible death, and one he hoped his father hadn’t suffered, but in all likelihood had. In the dream Erwin stood frozen to the spot, unable to move or speak. A scaffold had been erected, and the noose hung waiting for him. They pulled Levi up from a cage on a cart and tightened the rope around his neck. Erwin watched in agony as they hung him until he was half dead, until his legs had nearly stopped moving. Then the executioners cut him down and opened his belly from sternum to naval, pulling out steaming innards and throwing them on a fire. His genitals were butchered next, and all while Levi screamed in untold agony. Then, finally, they cut off his head, but it took the inexperienced axeman they had hired four blows. He suffered. As Levi was cut into four pieces, Erwin stood blinded by his tears.

The axeman left Levi's head on a spike to rot. Horrifically, his grey eyes blinked and were still alive. Staring directly at Erwin, he mouthed something silently.

_I love you......._

Mercifully, Erwin awoke with a start, disorientated and unable to anchor himself in time or place at first. He brought his hands up to his face, which was covered with tears and snot. Instinctively, he reached out in the bed to feel Levi’s comforting presence, but realised he was alone. It must be a chair night. He looked over at Levi’s chair and saw it was empty too. With a horrible heaviness, he remembered that Levi was still beneath the HQ, locked in one of the cold, damp cells.

As he had moved up the ranks from cadet to officer, Erwin had been unwavering in his morals and behaviour. Not once had he been disciplined for misbehaviour. And he’d certainly never committed an infraction serious enough to require a night in the cells. He wondered if Levi was cold; his skin had already been freezing after that prolonged formation outdoors, and the dungeons were icy cold in winter.

Unable to return to sleep, Erwin stood, dressed in yesterday’s clothes and did what Erwin Smith always did when faced with a threat.

He planned.

~~~

A knock on the door caused Erwin to startle. He had just hidden his father’s journal under a loose floorboard beneath his bookcase when he was interrupted.

“Name and business,” He wasn’t feeling up to chitchat. Or an impromptu MP member visit.

“It’s just Hanji and Mike,” Apparently nobody was able to sleep tonight. The door opened as Mike spoke, and the two came in.

Rubbing his face, Erwin said tiredly, “I’m not up for a social visit right now,”

“And we aren’t here for one,” Hanji made themselves comfortable on a chair, and Mike pulled up one beside them. They left Levi’s chair empty. “We’re here to help you brainstorm how to get us the fuck out of this mess,”

“It’s not Levi’s book, I presume?” Mike rested his elbows on his knees and stared at Erwin.

“No. You both know about my father and his theories. And so does Levi. He shouldn’t have taken the fall for this, but here we are.”

“How about claiming he’s too uneducated to know what he was doing?" Hanji tightened the band holding their glasses on. "Maybe a good public flogging would soothe some egos but result in shorty getting out of this alive and in one piece?”

“I have a better idea.” Erwin folded his hands together and took a deep breath.

“Shoot,” Hanji folded their arms, leaning back to listen.

“The First Interior Squad are trained in torture. They justify it by claiming that information extracted leads them to those who risk upsetting the delicate balance of peace that exists. They are almost certainly going to try some of their tactics on Levi. But I don’t think they know who he is.”

Mike physically balked, “What, so you think that they’re down there right now with him?”

Face stern, Erwin nodded, “I’m banking on it.”

Looking horrified, Mike stood and slammed his hands on the desk, glaring at Erwin, “And you’re just going to stand by and let it happen?”

He nodded, “If I don’t then the rest of the plan won’t work. Levi knows this. He won’t talk.”

“So what’s the rest of the plan? Because it sounds really dreadful Erwin,” Hanji rocked slightly in the chair as they spoke, “The stakes are too high Erwin. He might talk. They might accidently kill him. How about I get some of my explosives and blow up something to distract them? Or blow a hole in the basement wall and he can escape?”

“No.” Resolutely, Erwin stared unblinkingly at the mad scientist in front of him. “There will be public outrage if it is found out that Humanity’s Hero has been subject to torture without proceeding through proper judicial channels and an official order. Tomorrow, when they realise their error, hopefully they will back down. It might take a bribe or two on top of that. But I think it will work.”

“I hope so Erwin,” Hanji and Mike looked at each other sceptically.

~~~

Unable to stomach breakfast that morning, Erwin had gone directly to Shadis’ office before the sun had risen and waited on his mentor waking and coming out of the bedroom connected to the vast office space. Shadis had seemed unsurprised to find him there.

“Sir-“

Shadis put up a hand to silence him. “Erwin, please don’t say it. I don’t want to hear you say it. I don’t want them to ever ask me a question about it and I’ve heard you admit something I never wanted to hear.”

“But Levi-“

“I will do what I can," the commander's wrinkles were even more prominent than usual. "A whipping is better than being hung, drawn and quartered at least.”

“That’s what you’re going to ask for?”

Sweat was starting to glisten on Shadis' receding hairline, and he mopped at it with a handkerchief, “Do you have a better suggestion?”

Erwin nodded and clasped both hands behind his back, standing to attention, “I think so.”

“Let’s hear it then.”

~~~

“I really can see no other choice than to bring him as our prisoner to the capital and try him for high treason.” Arco peered smugly from the Commander to Erwin. 

They had been going around in circles for a while now. Shadis was pushing hard for a public corporal punishment. Arco was intent on utilising the full arm of the law. He must have been looking to impress those in Mitras with his find. Erwin decided to try his own hand.

“Ah, your grace, even whipping is usually reserved for severe infractions, such as murder or desertion. Surely you cannot expect it for-“

“Don’t I, Smith? Some would condemn a man to death for owning such a sacrilegious text. Luckily, being from the Underground, I doubt he’s intelligent enough to have known just how serious a crime he has committed. But ignorance of the law does not grant one forgiveness from it,”

“Where are the First Interior Squad?” Shadis suddenly interjected. “I hope they aren’t still snooping around the place.”

Arco pretended to examine his fingernails, “They are interrogating the prisoner.”

“What!?” Standing to his full and impressive height, Shadis’ outburst took Erwin by surprise, “On whose authority?”

“Mine, of course.”

The Commander's hands clenched into fists, “And when you say ‘interrogation’, what exactly do you mean?”

Arco shrugged, “I’ve told them to do whatever it takes to extract the information we require. I need to root out any accomplices. We must uphold the peace and keep the King safe, don’t you agree Commander?”

“He has no accomplices. He has no friends here. He is an outsider and a loner. As one who was a notorious criminal and didn’t go through normal cadet training, he has failed to be a good fit within our ranks. He has acted alone.” Shadis stood and walked towards the door without a backwards glance at the fat man, “Smith, follow me.”

Arco looked outraged at the Commander’s lack of decorum towards him, “Where are you going?”

Not even stopping to look over his shoulder as he marched out the door, Shadis yelled, “To stop your men inflicting torture on one of our own.”

From the far end of the long basement corridor, an odd yelp echoed relentlessly along the hall, followed by a metal clang. By the time they reached the cells, their footsteps had been heard, and the MP members were waiting for them. One was wearing a bloodied apron.

Unresponsive, Levi was sitting slumped in the corner of his cell, propped up only by the walls behind him and his wrists which were handcuffed to the wall above his head. The MP had stripped him naked. Blood was running down the side of his head; his hair was soaked with…..sweat? Water? He looked haggard, and he’d been battered and beaten; the outline of a boot print bruised across his ribs. His right hand looked bloody where it was handcuffed to the wall. Squinting in the dim light, Erwin could see the blood wasn’t from Levi’s knuckles, but from his fingertips. On the floor was a bloodied set of pliers. The dim candles flickered, and pools of blood glistened on the floor under them.

In the cell alongside him, the MP had set up some sort of tilt table with horizontal poles at either end, designed to immobilise whoever was tied to it. On the table beside it was a watering can and a wet cloth. Water pooled beneath the table. It looked like they’d been at this all night.

Unexpectedly, Levi groaned, coming round, and spat out a mouthful of blood onto the floor. Thankfully, his teeth seemed to be intact. He grinned maliciously at the MP in front of him, who looked frankly astonished at the resilience of the man.

“Pity you fuckers didn’t bring your rack. At least I’d have been stretched a couple of inches taller for all this trouble.” Levi’s voice was hoarse. Was it from screaming, Erwin wondered? Or an injury to his throat? Had they choked him?

 _Stay down, soldier,_ Erwin silently begged him, _stay quiet_. 

It took Erwin a second to figure out exactly what had happened overnight. Two of Levi’s fingernails were gone from his right hand. He’d heard about men who had nails ripped out; in general, they talked after only one nail being torn off, so painful was the act. Or if they were particularly resilient, maybe they would break after two or three. So that’s what the yelping had been. On this occasion, Sannes had been interrupted. How many more would they have tried to lever off if Shadis hadn’t insisted on coming straight down?

Studying the implements of torture, it looked as if Levi had been water boarded. If they had moved onto his nails, then that particular method of enhanced interrogation mustn’t have worked. Water boarding was in some respects a clever way to torture a man; it left no marks, and most capitulated after less than half a minute of being subjected to the technique. It resembled a mock execution, and if performed wrong could kill. Despite Levi’s best efforts to convince them otherwise, they seemed to know that the notes in the book weren’t the work of a lone, uneducated thug from the Underground, and had been determined to wheedle the truth out of him. Being able to resist talking after waterboarding was an extraordinary feat. Levi was remarkable in being almost physically infatiguable at his best, and when it involved Erwin’s safety he apparently also seemed to fail to be able to resign psychologically either.

The MP Squad Leader stood looking entirely unashamed at being caught inflicting torture on a fellow soldier. Sannes had surely started to realise he would still get nothing from torturing this man, and still he had continued to brutalise him for his own sadistic gratification. It was one of the many, many problems with the use of torture by the military; it attracted a particular type of person, and when men fall to such vices, they would pursue them for their own sake, for the perverse pleasure they drew from torturing their victims.

Shadis bristled with anger, shoulders clenched tight “What the hell do you think you are doing?! What have you done? How long have you been torturing this man?”

The MP members seemed unaffected by the towering, angry man bellowing at them, “It isn’t torture. It’s enhanced interrogation. We are civilised men, Commander.”

Hissing through gritted teeth, Shadis’ voice was almost inaudible with fury, “However you choose to justify yourselves, I have not sanctioned any of this. Perhaps this is how you conduct yourselves in the capital, but while I am Commander of the Survey Corps and you are in my Headquarters, none of my soldiers will be tortured here. This is their home. You have no written orders from on high to use your ‘enhanced interrogation methods’ here on my watch.”

“Besides, torture is ineffective. The evidence extracted is always unreliable and without validity.” Erwin added, not entirely sure how he managed to speak so calmly.

“You will desist immediately. Remove his manacles. Erwin, take this man to the San.”

With a clanking of keys, the chains and cuffs holding his arms above his head dropped and Levi’s arms fell heavily to his sides. He rubbed at the chafed skin on his wrists, stretching his fingers and rolling his shoulders to try and get some feeling back in them.

Erwin knelt before him, wrapping a thin blanket around Levi to keep him covered on the short journey to the San, “Can you walk?” Humanity’s Strongest currently looked as though he was probably unfit for a haircut, let alone to try to stand up.

“I can try,”

“No, don’t. Here, put your arm around my neck.”

Shuffling sideways against Erwin, Levi wrapped an arm around his neck and grasped at his shirt with the other hand as he was hoisted up. His skin was cold and clammy, and there was a faint shake reverberating through the small frame.

Levi was almost asleep in his arms by the time they reached the sunlit San. The physical damage was clearly visible. Extensive bruising carpeted his torso and marred the skin deep purple around his neck. Erwin wanted desperately to know exactly what had happened, but there was no point trying to find out right that moment. Levi needed a proper debrief. There was no way he was walking away from this with no psychological fallout. But for now at least, Levi seemed remarkably calm, albeit tired and hungry; probably just relieved to be out of immediate danger.

The doctor’s eyes were wide on seeing them enter the San, “Corporal, were you in a fight?”

“No, the MP have been interrogating him,” Erwin almost growled the words out. The deep voice woke the man in his arms up with a start.

“Interrogating? Physically? Surely that isn’t allowed. Set him here.”

“No.” Erwin pursed his lips into a thin line, placing Levi on one of the hospital beds, “No it isn’t.” Without thinking he made to touch Levi comfortingly, but just about managed to refrain, “Levi, I would stay, but I have a plan. And to keep you safe, I must speak with Arco.”

“Go, I’m just going to eat and sleep anyway.” Looking uncomfortable, Levi shifted up the bed a bit and gestured for him to leave.

“I’ll be back later.” He tried to lock eyes with Levi, but the other man kept his own gaze firmly down.

~~~

“This cannot get out to the public, Commander,” Purposefully speaking slightly too loudly, Erwin and Shadis played out their rehearsed conversation, knowing that Arco and the MP were in the room adjacent. Finally there was an advantage to the HQ having such thin walls in places.

“Why Smith?” Shadis wasn’t the world’s greatest actor, but the act was passable at least.

“They have tortured the man they call Humanity’s Greatest Hope, Humanity’s Strongest. The public’s greatest hero. What would they say if they saw him in this state? Brutalised and beaten? They would believe it was a set-up by the state.”

A barely audible gasp sounded from behind the door adjoining the two rooms. Erwin could almost imagine Arco leaning his ear against it to eavesdrop on the conversation, and hoped the man was shitting bricks on hearing who he’d fucked with.

“He isn’t technically an officer. The public might not riot if they witness him receiving a corporal punishment, but it’s a big risk. Let alone if he is executed. My God. There would be **riots from here to Mitras!** ” The Commander purposely spoke even louder as he said ‘riots’, hoping that it would get the point across.

Erwin continued, nodding in encouragement, “Captain Levi is an unofficial officer, true. But still I agree, there would be outrage that an honorific officer and a man considered a national treasure had been treated thus. The people believe that he is the only safety between them, and those monsters beyond the walls. They have faith in him. In truth, Levi is the only thing keeping the inhabitants of Walls Maria and Rose from rioting on the capital.”

“Perhaps we can smooth this out another way. After all, he has probably learned his lesson. I doubt he will ever even consider reading such material ever again. Lord Arco may be a merciful man. The King will undoubtedly thank him for avoiding such trouble.” Shadis winked at him.

“I’ll go and find him now.”

As Erwin made to leave in a pretence of finding their guests, Lord Arco and his entourage walked through the door. Erwin had to hide his smirk. Arco looked pale and sweaty and terribly anxious. Erwin’s hunch had been correct. The man had no idea who Levi had been when he had sanctioned his torture. Everyone expected Humanity’s Strongest to look something like Mike Zacherius; eyebrows were always raised on being told that a five foot tall slim-built man was their hero. Even personality-wise he didn’t meet up to the expectations the public had of a national hero.

Erwin tried to suppress the smug look on his face as he spoke, “Your Grace, I was just about to look for you. I’m afraid Captain Levi is very gravely injured indeed. I was just about to go and make a public announcement that he may not survive your visit.”

“Captain Levi?” Arco turned and bellowed at Sannes, “Did you know you were interrogating Captain Levi?!”

“N-no sir,”

Flecks of spit flew from Arco's mouth onto Sannes' weasley face as he continued his tirade, “You didn’t ask his name?”

Sannes cowed slightly, “We were taught never to use their real names during the interrogation. To help break them down,”

“Sir,” Erwin continued, finding great pleasure in watching the man squirm. “I’m sure you appreciate that the public would be outraged at Humanity’s strongest being executed after such inhumane treatment, whatever the reason. In their eyes he is a hero. If they see him like this, beaten and tortured, there will be a riot. If you were to grant him clemency, then you would be a hero to them. They would call you merciful. Think on it. I cannot recommend proceeding with any further punishment. Perhaps we can come to an arrangement.”

Despite his agitated and fearful appearance, Erwin could still see the spark of greed in the man’s eyes. It was what he’d banked on.

All men were corruptible.

Arco fiddled with the expensive buttons on his jacket. “You know, perhaps a little something could turn this big problem into a smaller one. Perhaps the council never need know.”

On hearing this, Shadis had purposefully moved out of earshot.

“You don’t need to beat about the bush.” Erwin stared him down hard, “What do you want?”

“What every man wants. Money. After the next Fundraiser, I expect 1000 credits to appear in my accounts. Until then, I’ll keep this,” he held up the book, “our little secret. Although what an Underground street rat was doing with this I can’t possibly imagine.”

“Deal.” Considering Levi’s importance, it would be a small price to pay.

“And one more thing.”

Arco was pointing at Erwin, who was rather taken aback. Not by the request, per se, but Erwin really hadn't picked up _that_ particular vibe from this man.

“What? You want me?”

The Lord scoffed, “No,” the man walked straight up to him and tapped on Erwin’s wrist watch. “I can find a use for that.”

 _You can’t want this, surely?_ Erwin pleaded inwardly to himself. Anything but this. He knew Arco must see it’s worthlessness in monetary terms. But some part of the man could obviously tell it’s worth emotionally.

“This is worthless. Bought at a market on a soldier’s salary.” Keeping his face even, Erwin hoped the man would ask for something, anything else.

“I can tell it’s worth more than that to you.”

Leverage. He was taking it to use as leverage when Erwin himself one day took command. The slimy fucking weasel.

Pretending at nonchalance, Erwin unhooked the clasp and dropped his father’s precious watch into the fat, greedy hand of the man who had ordered for his lover to be beaten and tortured all night long.

“Lovely. Thank you Smith.” It was barely big enough to fit on the fat wrist. “Send my regards to Captain Levi. Sannes! The carriages.”

~~~

Hanji was waiting in the San when Erwin finally got round to check on Levi.

“They’re patching up a few things. Now the adrenaline has worn off he’s a bit sore. They’ve given him some laudanum and ketamine, so he’s probably going to be a bit groggy when you see him.”

A nurse exited the door from the small side room and held it open for Erwin, “Visiting hours will end soon, so make it quick.”

On the bed, Levi looked totally spaced out, with his eyes barely slit open and staring blankly up at the ceiling. He normally slept with his eyes half-open as it was, and at first Erwin thought he was asleep. On closer inspection, there remained a bit of light in them still that was absent when he was truly asleep.

There was no point asking if he was alright.

“Levi?”

On hearing Erwin’s voice, the dark head turned in the direction of the noise and grey eyes opened slightly wider.

“Erwin,” Levi’s face was blank, “Are you alright? You look like you’re about to puke.”

“You can’t seriously be asking how _I_ am right now.” The door was shut. Taking a chair on Levi's left, Erwin snaked out a hand and held Levi's uninjured smaller one. It took the drugged man a second longer than normal to squeeze Erwin’s hand in return. “Why did you do it, Levi? Why did you say it was yours?” He hadn’t meant to come here to chastise Levi, but the fear over what could have been made Erwin sharp.

Levi ignored his tone, "Because I love you.”

It was the drugs. It had to be the drugs causing Levi to speak that way. Because there was no way Levi could possibly love the man who had so thoroughly fucked up his life. The man who had taken him away from his home, forced him to relive terrible childhood trauma, let him be tortured and would probably one day order him to his untimely death.

Wet and cracked, Erwin hardly recognised his own voice, “How can you possibly love me?”

“Because I know you,” Levi gave him a sad smile as he repeated the words Erwin had once said to him during a very similar conversation when Levi had felt like the unlovable one.

Eyes wide with distress, Erwin shook as he spoke, “I let them do it. I knew they would torture you, and I didn’t stop them.”

Voice still calm, Levi rubbed his thumb along Erwin’s knuckles and tried to soothe him, “You had to. It was the right choice. None of us ever know what the right choice will be when we make it. And look, we’re both alive and safe. No one else had to suffer and your secrets are safe I don’t regret anything.”

“Really?" Erwin was incredulous. "What _will_ it take to make you regret joining us? When you dedicated your heart to the Survey Corps, I doubt you had anything like this in mind.”

Levi moved Erwin’s hand and placed it on top of his small chest. The skin was warm now, and Levi's heart tapped strong and even against Erwin’s palm.

He took a deep breath and hooked Erwins gaze, “Do you feel that Erwin? This- this heart is yours. I know it’s supposed to be humanity’s, but it’s not-”

Erwin shook his head, “Levi-“

Not letting him interrupt, Levi clasped their hands tighter against himself and looked Erwin straight in the eye as he continued, “-and I know that yours _does_ belong to humanity, and that’s alright. When I finally gave my true vow to dedicate my heart for real, after our first fucked up mission together, it was _you_ I made my vow to. Not humanity. Not to ridding the world of Titans. Not to anyone or anything else. To _you_ Erwin Smith. Only to you. I’m sorry.”

“Levi,” Clutching his head in his other hand, Erwin tried to hold back the stinging tears.

It was too much to bear. This man’s unyielding loyalty and fidelity and love _hurt_ Erwin’s very soul.

Yet this had been the plan, hadn’t it? To ensnare Levi and have him in thrall. To use sex to make him fall in love with Erwin. To bind Levi to himself heart and body, mind and soul.

He’d succeeded. He should have felt great.

So why did it hurt so very, very badly?

Recently, Erwin had to admit that he had found himself beginning to imagine Levi first saying those words to him in a different context, and he had greedily been awaiting them for quite some time. He had given him many openings in their conversations in anticipation of the words tumbling recklessly from the younger man, but Levi had yet to fill the awkward pauses with anything resembling a verbal declaration of love. 

Despite that, Erwin was sure the other man had fallen in love with him; it was clear in everything that Levi did and it felt like only a matter of time before they could no longer hold the words back from each other. Perhaps Levi would whisper them during climax, uttering his devotion when he was drunk with pleasure at his most unguarded moment. It was a beautiful daydream- their eyes would lock and Levi would be unable to hold back his feelings any longer, gasping out his love. Afterwards , post-orgasm clarity would hit him, and the tips of his ears would turn red with embarrassment. Erwin would grin and let him squirm for a minute before saying the words himself. Then there would be more sex. 

Or maybe it would happen at a quieter moment-while reading together Levi might look over at him, shake his head and just nonchalantly say the words Erwin was so hungry to hear. Perhaps Levi would mumble them while half-asleep, or after play wrestling with each other over the last biscuit at supper in Erwin’s rooms. Erwin would hear him out, and then smile and reciprocate them. Words of endearment would lead to kissing, passionate love making and post-coital rapture in each other's arms. 

But no.

Instead, his lover's confession had come when he was drugged after an imaginable night of torment; in a moment of vulnerable helplessness after he had tried his best to protect the man who had failed to protect him. The man who had allowed him to be tortured on his behalf. 

“I don’t deserve any of this from you,” was all Erwin could say back. 

Levi sighed and dropped his head back heavily into the pillow, “Just keep the blowjobs coming and we’re good.”

Shaking his head and feeling too overwhelmed to speak, Erwin just swallowed thickly and stayed silent. His head suddenly felt too heavy for his shoulders to bear, and as if Levi could read his mind, he combed a hand through the blonde hair and pulled Erwin’s head ear-down to rest on top of their clasped hands. 

_Lub-dub Lub-dub Lub-dub_

He could hear Levi’s heart beating steadily where his ear pressed down against their hands. There were no walls around this man’s heart. The world's strongest soldier could seem so aloof and cold when he needed to put on a front, yet he didn’t feel he had to hide his weaknesses from Erwin. And this heart- the heart of the strongest man alive was Erwin’s, and his alone.

Closing his eyes, the stress and lack of sleep began to catch up on Erwin. The cycle of his breathing slowed and deepened, matching the reassuring rise and fall of Levi’s chest. The world began to darken around him-

He awakened suddenly on hearing the nurse complaining noisily to Hanji outside the door that their time was up and they had to leave.

Sighing, he sat up and gave one last lingering look at Levi, who appeared to be out for the count. Brushing his lips against Levi’s forehead, Erwin stood and headed back to his rooms to once again puzzle over his own heart.

As he walked, he replayed Levi’s words over and over again.

_I love you_

Apart from his own father, Erwin was sure no one else had said it and meant it as deeply and as well as Levi did. That made it nearly twenty five years since he had been told he was loved. It was sad, really. 

Marie had once said she was _in love_ with him. Other lovers had said something similar in the passion of the moment, but Erwin always had the feeling that they were infatuated with an image of him as something he truly wasn’t.

Levi had no such rose-tinted glasses. He had seen Erwin try to manipulate him, fought side by side with him on the battlefield, watched him do dull administrative work and act the diplomat at fundraisers. One time, Levi had even walked in on him in the bathroom, but just tutted about warning him next time that he was in there and had walked back out. And yet, he still wasn’t put off.

His words were real. He meant them. 

Once alone and sitting on his bed, Erwin put his head into his hands.

God, why hadn’t he said it back?

He already knew that he loved Levi. With no one around to hear him, he tried to say the words out loud, but they caught in his chest. His throat felt constricted; it was hard to breathe in or out. And then the tears started.

It looked like he would need to practice this. Blubbering out his feelings like this to Levi would make him look weak. And yet Erwin was sure Levi wouldn’t judge him for it.

So, he did what Erwin Smith always did when practicing an important speech. He stood in front of his bathroom mirror and gripped the sink tightly as he spoke, looking himself firmly in the eye.

“I-I love you,”

It was all wrong. On his face was painted the battle mask he wore when leading his squad onto the field. And he was too tense. Erwin cracked his neck from side-to-side and rolled his shoulders to relax them. Then he bared his teeth in a strained smile. 

“I love you,”

It still wasn't right. His mouth was too tight, his smile too fixed.

Hanging his head and leaning heavily on the sink, Erwin tried to remind himself that this wasn't a speech to the brass, or a formal discussion with a work colleague. But the veil that concealed his real feelings rarely lifted; indeed, it felt somewhat of a permanent fixture. However, it needed to come off if he were to do this right. This time, he wasn't trying to impress or intimidate anyone.

This was _Levi_ he was going to say this to. The man who saw through all his disguises and still claimed he loved Erwin regardless. 

Taking a breath, Erwin closed his eyes and imagined how Levi’s face had appeared after they first had full penetrative sex; the burning satisfaction gleaming in his smokey eyes as Erwin spent himself inside Levi. How the younger man had lain under him contentedly after reaching climax, with Erwin still inside him, legs curled lazily around his broad waist. His easy, relaxed countenance as he had ghosted Erwin’s face with his fingertips, enjoying the feel of the soft stubble and tracing his lips gently.

He thought about the look of mortification on Levi's face when he had accidently let slip that he saw Erwin as his boyfriend. The way that his grey eyes scowled when there was a mess somewhere. How he screwed up his face in concentration when reading a difficult book. And the funny little smile he would give when he'd made Erwin laugh at a particularly crude joke. 

Erwin opened his eyes and in the mirror's reflection saw that his mask had dropped, revealing his true self. In the mask's place was the smile reserved just for Levi, the smile that reached his eyes and accentuated his crow’s feet.

“I love you,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay two sex scenes. And some romance. And some pure awfulness. Really, I'm so bad to these two. 
> 
> I really do think Erwin has facial expressions saved just for Levi. Now he just needs to say the L word back! 
> 
> Again, it'll prob be another month or so until there's anything else, and not all chapters will be this long. Most will be 4000 words approx.
> 
> Please let me know if you're enjoying reading and if you have any feedback!


	18. Krummes Holz gibt auch gerades Feuer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'I’ve fucked it up', Erwin realised as he sat squashed between the cushions and the man lying unconscious against him. Another day would go by where hadn’t said it.
> 
> Ah well. Maybe tomorrow there would be a perfect moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, this chapter. I swear. My head is melted with all the angst. Well, if being inside Erwin's guilt-ridden head is your thing, you are going to fucking love this. Everyone else- well, I apologise.
> 
> Again, there's some things I'll probably come back an edit thoroughly, so sorry if that annoys you! I've changed so much in all the other chapters too.
> 
> Anyway, if you are still here following the story, then thank you! Your comments are beautiful and fill me with joy. As do these two hapless dudes.

Mike knocked briskly on the door of Levi’s room in the San. Assuming that Levi would be sick of hospital food by now, he had bought them both a set of hot pastries from a vendor who sometimes popped by the HQ. He found himself wanting to check up on the guy, feeling a bit sorry for him being holed up somewhere so dull. Plus the squirt had saved Erwin’s ass and prevented anyone else from being subject to torture, and Mike was eternally grateful for it.

Although he couldn’t be wholly certain, Mike felt it was likely he himself would have cracked and said some pretty incriminating things; he knew too much of Erwin’s father’s theories about the world. As teenagers, Erwin had told him his thoughts about their world in agonising detail, and even then Mike knew that it could get the boy in serious trouble and had told him so at the time.

The clock outside struck 3pm. He was pretty sure Levi would be up for a bit of company. The man had said only the day before that he was bored as fuck and was sick of being confined to the small hospital room with only the nurses for company.

Mike sighed. The patient experience was wasted on Levi. What he wouldn’t give to be the one being attended by those fine little nurses in their sweet little uniforms. If Mike were the one here, he would have insisted on at least twice daily bed baths.

Having heard no response, he knocked harder and waited, just in case the guy _was_ actually getting a bed bath or something.

“Hello? Come in.” replied a hoarse voice from within.

Mike entered the room. Levi was sitting up in bed shirtless, propped up by pillows and seemingly doing nothing. There were a couple of books on the table beside him that looked untouched, and someone had bought him a puzzle book that also appeared to have been left to one side. Mike had to admit, if he'd just been tortured, his mind would have probably been too frazzled to do much other than stare into space either. 

He felt his stomach churn at the canvas of mottled purple and green that was Levi's skin. A large boot print was evident along one side of his chest and there were red rope burns around his neck, chest and limbs. Mike gave a sniff. Levi smelled injured, tired and stressed. And the room smelled too clean.

Trying not to frown, Mike hoped Levi had given as good as he’d gotten. “Hey Levi, up for some company? And sweets?”

“Sure.” His voice gravelled, even deeper than normal. “You up for being bored shitless?”

Mike handed over one of the hot pastries. “How are you finding it in here?”

Levi shrugged, unwrapping the danish and looking pleased at the buttery treat, “I like how clean it is, but there isn’t much to do other than stare out the window.”

“Must be nice to have a room to yourself, and not to have to sleep in your dorm for a change.” He took a seat and stretched out his legs, “I’m so glad I have my own room now. Does Gelgar still have wet dreams all the time?”

“Yeah, and the bastard always insists on taking the top bunk. The whole frame shakes all night.” Levi paused, then without turning his head, his eyes moved to look over at him slyly. “I hear you and Erwin used to fight over who got to be on top.”

The blonde's pastry ceased its journey into Mike's mouth, and he held Levi’s gaze, hesitating for a moment too long before breaking out in a smirk, “Are we still talking about bunks?”

An odd predatory glint flared in Levi’s eyes, “I don’t know. Are we?”

“Hmph,” Licking his tongue across his teeth, Mike pondered whether this was dangerous territory. Had Erwin told Levi about their forays as youths? Why? Was Levi jealous? “What’s it to you?”

Levi shrugged, looking amused, “It doesn’t mean anything I guess. It’s just funny. Though Erwin said you were more of a ladies man nowadays.”

So, they _were_ having this chat then, huh? Well, if it took Levi’s mind off what had happened recently, Mike was happy to indulge. If he was lucky, Levi might even reciprocate with some juicy gossip of his own in a way Erwin never would; the guy was so tight-lipped and would never kiss-and-tell.

“Yeah,” Mike licked his lips. “Women smell really good. Especially Nanaba. She smells the best of anyone. Like sweet flowers and fruit.”

The small man hummed curiously, “What do I smell of?”

“Well, people smell ‘like’ things, rather than ‘of’ things. But when I sniff you it reminds me of patchouli.” He tilted his head towards Levi and sniffed then exhaled through his mouth, tasting the air against his palate and tongue. Mulled it over for a second. ”Cardamom. Soap. Tea. Starch. Erwin.”

Raising an eyebrow, Levi regarded him curiously, “Erwin?”

“Yeah, well you’re always together.”

“Not _always,”_ Levi crossed his arms evasively.

“If you say so.”

“What does Erwin smell like?”

Mike inhaled, as though trying to catch a scent of the man, “He never used to smell of much to be honest. Cigarettes mainly. He used to stink of that horrible hair gel, though the stuff you got him smells good. Sometimes I catch a whiff of a strong emotion here or there. Now he smells of you. And sex.”

The blonde had to admit, their sex smelled pretty good. To Mike’s nose, the two men appeared entirely heterogeneous in every way. In fact, Mike was sure he had never smelled anyone quite like Levi. It was almost like he was another race entirely. But the two men’s natural chemical makeups reacted well with each other; the scents mingled pleasingly together and complimented each other nicely.

The other man’s eyes widened slightly. “Huh.”

“Actually,” Mike continued, changing the topic, “I wanted to ask you for some advice about Nanaba.”

“Tcchhh.” Levi looked at him with incredulity. “What do you _possibly_ imagine I could advise you on about girls? Haven’t you fucking figured it out yet?”

Snorting, Mike rolled his eyes, “Of course I have, ages ago. You can’t hide from this thing,” he tapped the side of his nose.

Arms crossed, Levi regarded him amusedly, “What, do I smell gay?”

“No, you smell of Erwin and sex. It’s not rocket science.”

“Alright then, shoot. I’ll utilise my vast knowledge and understanding of women that clearly surpasses your own to help you with your girl problems.”

“Well, you had a little sister, yeah?”

Levi’s face was almost impassive, but there was a miniscule shift in the tension around his mouth. “Yes.”

“Well, so you must know some stuff about women. Like, how fucking irrational they get over nothing, right?”

Huffing out a laugh, Levi gave him a small smile, “Yeah, no shit. What, have you done something to upset her?”

Mike shrugged, “Well I don’t know. She’s been a bit weird with me since the night I fished you out of the shower.”

Picking at the pastry, Levi chewed thoughtfully, “Did you say something dumb?”

Mike shook his head fervently, “I came back to the room and she just went mental and left without another word.”

“So Erwin interrupted you, and then you came back and she got shitty. Are you sure there isn’t more to it than that?”

“She would have known it was important for Erwin to come looking for me. She waited for me to get back and looked pleased enough to see me. I said ‘daddy’s home’. I think. Then she went from smiles to storming out.”

Levi sighed gently and peeled a layer off his pastry to eat, “You know, I think women know that I’m not interested in them, and it makes them drop their guard around me when they really fucking shouldn’t. Look, I don’t know Nanaba _really_ well. But I get the feeling that home isn’t somewhere worth being for her.”

Astonished at Levi’s words, Mike kept pushing, “Why? What did she say?”

“It wasn’t what she said exactly. But when we were decorating the tree I asked why she stayed at the corps at Christmas, and she clammed up a bit.”

Nodding, Mike thought about the little Nanaba had told him about her home when he'd asked, “She has a brother and father back behind Wall Rose. But in all the years I’ve known her she has never been back to see them.”

They were silent for a moment. Levi plucked at the dressings around his two nail-less fingers, “Look, I’m going to tell you this because I know you aren’t a fucking gossip-”

Mike leaned in, interested to hear something personal about the aloof man.

“-my mom was a hooker. And she didn’t hook because of drugs or shit like that. She never exactly told me in as many words, but I think she was doing it to escape something worse in her old life.”

Mike stared at Levi. So Humanity’s Strongest, the greatest fighter the world had ever seen, was nothing more than the bastard son of a whore.

Unbelievable.

Mike had presumed that the guy had a father who had taught him to fight, but no. That seemed unlikely now.

Levi continued in that slow, impassive cadence of his, “If Nanaba genuinely feels that being here in this shithole of a life, facing down fucking titans is a better option than being at home, what does that say to you?”

“So- so what do I do?”

The small man shrugged, “Just be……nice. Get her some flowers. Women like flowers, right?” Grey eyes gave him a pointed stare. “And don’t call yourself ‘daddy’ ever again.”

“No. Thanks Levi.” Taking a bite of the pastry, Mike allowed himself to enjoy the warmth of the brown sugar, butter and cinnamon on his tongue. The pastry flaked all over him. Somehow Levi ate his delicately, and didn’t end up covered in flakes.

“So-“ Mike took another chomp, chewing as he talked, “-you and Erwin, huh?”

Levi’s head cocked slightly, “What’s it to you?”

“Nothing. It’s just interesting is all.” Mike lowered his gaze and stared seriously at Levi. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

“Welcome? Ha, as if you taught him anything useful.”

“I had to give him ‘ _the talk’_ you know.” He made air quotes as he spoke.

“I _did_ know, actually.”

“Huh,” There had to be something useful Erwin had learned from their activities together. “Well, next time you get fucked, just remember that I had to suffer through his inexperience for your current benefit.”

Levi barked out a laugh, “Next time I am getting fucked by your friend I will absolutely not think of you at all. What would Erwin say if he knew I was on my back thinking of your ugly mug?”

“Do his big eyebrows turn you on?” Mike grinned as he licked his fingers clean of grease.

The younger man smirked, “As I always say, the bigger the better.”

“Except when it comes to you, short stack.”

An annoyed look crossed Levi’s face, “Surely you’ve learned by now where mocking my size leads.”

Last time, it earned Mike a kick to the nuts. “You’re just the right height to land a kick where it really hurts, Levi. I couldn’t get it up for days without it aching. You fight dirty.”

The grey eyed man gave him a coquettish look, “I do. I hope you enjoyed beating the shit out of me when we first met, because it’s never happening again.”

“So you think. Once you’re out of here, I want a spar. Fisticuffs.”

Sneering, Levi rolled his eyes, “Pfft. You can’t hurt me. Your fists are as soft as pillows, and it’s like you move in slow motion.”

“Fine, next time I’ll wear boxing gloves then.”

“Bitch mittens, you mean?”

Mike smiled. This man was definitely one of Erwin’s better life choices.

~~~~~

Soldiers stopped in their tracks to salute Keith as he walked down the corridor towards the San.

Erwin’s plan had worked; the brilliant man’s plans usually did, although that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be other currently unforeseeable consequences to try and navigate.

In the small medical side room, Levi was sitting up in bed looking bored and disgruntled. Nothing new there then, although he did look a little more spaced out than usual.

Erwin had beaten Keith there, and stood and saluted on his Commander entering the room. Looking over at the Squad Leader, Levi rolled his eyes and gave a half-hearted thump to his own chest.

“At ease,” Keith took a seat near the foot of the bed, not in the mood to argue with the little thug about the importance of saluting properly. “I’m afraid I’m here on official business. It’s time for a debrief on what happened in the cells. I want to know exactly what happened after Erwin brought you down there.” He looked at Erwin, “Take notes,”

As Erwin picked up pen and paper, Shadis settled down to hear exactly how poorly behaved their guests had truly been.

It was the stuff of nightmares. 

Impassively, Levi spoke as if what they were talking about had happened to someone else, "It was dark by the time they came back. They tried a bit of sweet talk to see if I would tell them anything unprompted, then withheld food and drink from me. Took away my bed and chair. Then my clothes. They wouldn’t let me sit down.”

 _Those sick fucks_. Shadis schooled his expression and kept his hands clasped together, trying not to show his disgust and anger.

“And when they took your clothes….” that particular fact troubled Shadis. The idea of one of his men being assaulted _that_ way under his roof sent shivers down his spine. 

Levi’s voice was hoarse and husky when he spoke again; the ligature marks encircling his neck went some way to explaining why that might be. “They wanted to humiliate me. They didn’t touch me like that, if that’s what you’re worried about. Stomped on me a bit, as you can see.” Levi drawled his reassurances slowly.

Keith breathed a sigh of relief, “What did they want to know?”

Levi tried clearing his throat, but his voice remained gravelly, “If I really wrote the notes. Then they asked a fuck tonne about you two.”

Unsurprising. “Like what?”

“Whether you had lovers-”

Was it Keith’s imagination, or did Levi’s eyes swivel over to Erwin as he spoke? And had Erwin’s looked back? His own mind conjured an image of large green eyes, but he quickly pushed the thought down.

“-or if either of you had any secret children or spouses. Then they started with what wouldn’t leave marks.”

Trying not to betray how angry he was with the MP torturing one of his men (albeit one of his least favourite and least well-behaved men) under the roof _he_ was responsible for, Keith squared his shoulders, “You mean the waterboarding?”

“Yeah. Well, first they stuck the barrel of a gun in my mouth and threatened to fire it, or stick it somewhere even less pleasant. Then they tied me to that fucking tilt table and covered my face with a cloth before pouring the water. They gave me a metal rod to drop if I wanted to talk, but they got bored eventually and took it away from me and continued. Then there was a bit of taunting and shit”

So, they’d taken away the man’s ability to end his torture and talk. They _had_ done it for _fun_. It had nothing to do with ‘upholding the peace’. Utterly disgusted and horrified, Shadis felt his heart thumping hard in his chest, and a cold sweat had broken out over his face and back.

If this young man hadn't stepped forwards to endure this terrible torture, eventually the commander himself along with every single soldier in his care would have ended up being summoned for similar treatment. And Keith knew he would have talked. Erwin would have been a dead man. 

He licked the sweat off his upper lip, “And you told them-?”

“Nothing.” Levi’s face remained impassive. “I taunted them back when I wasn’t gagged. Then when that didn’t work they kicked the shit out of me.”

“Did you fight back?” Erwin suddenly asked, staring down at the piece of paper he was writing on as he spoke, his voice calm and even.

A mantle of confluent blue and dark purple bruises and superficial lacerations covered the visible parts of Levi’s upper body, a testament to the carnage wreaked on him by the MP members in their apparently futile attempts to drag answers from him. Darker and well delineated fingerprint and boot-shaped bruises overlaid more diffuse ones. One of the only unblemished parts of the man were his knuckles.

“Couldn’t. I was tied up.”

The Commander watched from the corner of his eye as Erwin stood, set down pen and paper, and walked over to the window, staring out into the distance. His hands were clenched into tight fists where they were clasped behind him at the small of his back, evidence that the blonde wasn’t as relaxed as his voice and face would suggest.

Continuing on, Levi’s voice remained composed but emotionless. “They forced me to take some kind of drink. Tasted nasty and made my head swim. There was definitely something in it other than booze or it would never have made me feel so strange. But it didn’t have the desired effect. I still didn’t talk.”

Humming in approval and sheer amazement at the man’s silence throughout his torture, Keith continued, “And then they moved on to your nails?”

“Yeah. Then they heard you coming and stopped. I think I passed out for a bit.”

The young man’s voice was completely deadpan as he spoke, and it unnerved Keith. If Levi had been obviously upset, it would be more than understandable. But he was suppressing his emotions, which would ultimately do him no good. There were going to be some seriously bad psychological after-effects, and Keith hoped it wasn’t going to hinder Levi’s field performance. The men’s morale was now reliant on Levi’s presence among them on the battlefield. Even Keith felt unnerved at the idea of going on future missions without the brilliant soldier.

Levi sat silently, waiting for further questions. He offered nothing spontaneously. On the Commander’s internal barometer of well-being, he could sense the inner turmoil in the young soldier; he was clearly warring between telling them the truth when it was asked for, and not wanting to upset the man whose place in the cell he’d taken. Perhaps he shouldn’t have invited Smith to this. Maybe Levi would have been more forthcoming if it were just himself he was speaking with.

Keith sighed and shook his head slightly. He still couldn’t believe Erwin’s recklessness. The man took gambles, yes. But this time it was in a different league. When Keith had seen his best Squad Leader’s writing in the book, he was sure that the game would be up for the man. But it looked as though Erwin had taught Levi to forge his writing. Quite why though, Keith wasn’t sure. At the time it had made him pause and wonder if the notes _were_ actually Levi’s. But the research in the book bore Smith’s mark all over it. The man was obsessed with his father’s theories about the government. Yet Levi had taken the fall for him. Why? What did he possibly have to gain for it?

It was remarkable that Levi hadn’t talked. Was he so devoted to the corps? Glancing up at Levi, Keith could see that his head was angled slightly towards Erwin, who stood with his back to them both.

No. Not to the corps. To one man.

Not that it made any material difference. His loyalty to Smith would benefit the whole of the SC regardless, now and in the future.

For all the trouble this thug had given Shadis since his recruitment, for all his lack of discipline and inability to heed military etiquette, Keith had to admit, the young man had shown good judgement in protecting Erwin. The Commander wasn’t sure what he would do without the brilliant young man who would doubtless one day take over from him as the 13th Commander.

Levi hadn’t told them anything unexpected. But the lack of detail in his responses seemed purposeful to avoid upsetting the already stressed man standing at the window, whose benefit it had all been for. Not to mention, Levi had failed entirely to explain the ligature marks around his neck, or the broken blood vessels on his cheeks, forehead and eyes. The MP had clearly hung him by the neck at some point, perhaps in an imitation of a traitor’s execution.

Shadis put his head in his hands. God. How had he not talked? It wouldn’t have taken much for Keith to talk; but he was nothing special.

These two men in this room with him, they were special. Erwin had the makings of a master politician. Shadis had no doubts that the corps would flourish under this man’s hand. And Levi’s martial prowess was truly matchless; it was often hard to believe that humanity’s greatest hope was this little scallywag they’d picked up from the sewers. Compared to these two, Keith felt old and weary. And distinctly unspecial.

Keith pointed at Levi’s chest, “Where are the rope burns from?”

Levi shrugged, “As I said, they tied me up. Didn’t want me being able to fight back and rearrange their pretty faces.”

He had to smile at Levi’s spunk. Erwin still hadn’t turn round, seemingly unable to face Levi during this fact-finding mission.

It had been Erwin’s plan to allow this man to be tortured, and when Shadis had initially found out, the sense of outrage at both Erwin and their ‘ _guests’_ shook him to the core. Keith was sure he couldn’t have stomached knowing what was happening down in his own cellars. He was almost glad he hadn’t known. He could understand why a normal man in Erwin’s shoes would have felt so guilty about a plan that allowed a man to endure inhumane treatment. But the Erwin that Keith thought he knew cared more about the ends than the means. To see him shook up was unsettling. Smith’s fingers twitched as if they were itching to punch someone square in the face. Overall, his behaviour spoke volumes of his true feelings for the surly man in the bed.

Shadis’ eyes flickered between the men. Were they more than just friends? They certainly seemed extremely close, and spent almost all of their time together. As far as Keith could remember, Erwin had never been particularly close to anyone before. And this little thug was so very unlike him in every way. Morally, educationally, personality-wise. It had surprised Keith that the two had struck up a friendship.

If Levi were a woman, Keith would have supposed they were fucking long ago. But as far as he was aware, Erwin preferred the company of the ladies. Wasn’t there that duchess in Mitras? And that noblewoman from Mien? He’d never heard any rumours regarding Smith and another man. But neither had he heard anything about Levi fraternising with any of the women since his recruitment.

Not that it mattered. Not really. But if these two men were devoted to each other in _that_ way in addition to their alliance as comrades, then they would be a formidable team. Shadis certainly pitied the fool who tried to cross them.

Keith nodded, “Alright. Is there anything else you need to tell me? Anything else they said or did? Did they tell you anything?”

Levi hesitated, his mouth opening as if he were about to speak. But then Erwin turned around to look at him. 

“No,” he said after too long a pause, his eyes averting down to his lap and his mouth once again closing. 

So there was more. But maybe forcing the man to tell them all at once was asking too much. Perhaps Erwin could get more out of him another day.

“Thank you, that’s all for today. Get well soon, soldier.” Keith beckoned Erwin. “Come outside for a moment, Smith.”

Once outside the room, Keith shut the door and moved a few steps away from it, looking around to see that no one could eavesdrop.

“Do you really think he hasn’t talked, Smith?”

“I know he hasn’t.” The graveness in Erwin’s expression spoke his earnest belief in what Levi had to say.

Keith inclined his head, voice low, “I’m sure there was more to what they did than he’s saying, but I think he’s a bit overwhelmed. However, he trusts you Erwin. See if you can coax any more out of him. Gently.”

“I will.” Smith’s eyebrows were forked. “I’ll wait a few days and try again. I know he won’t lie to me, but he might try and conceal the worst of it, if he mistakenly thinks I’ll be affected negatively by it.”

 _Aren’t you?_ Shadis thought quietly.

Erwin saluted and headed back into the room, pulling the door behind him closed. Planning on spending the afternoon drafting the most strongly worded letter he’d ever written to Commander Dok about the integrity of his men, Keith walked towards the exit, but paused after a few steps. Quietly, he moved back towards the door and knelt down. With one eye squeezed shut, he pressed the other to the keyhole and peered in. Not much was visible of the room through the narrow slit. He moved his head and at the new angle caught a glimpse of Levi in the bed. Then Erwin appeared beside Levi, his back to Keith. The two men spoke, voices inaudible from this distance. Then Erwin brought up his hand and tenderly cupped the injured man’s face, stroking his thumb gently across the split bottom lip before tilting Levi’s head up and leaning down so their faces were level, his back obscuring Keith’s view of the two men’s heads.

Keith stood. He didn’t need to see anymore.

_You can’t fool me this time, Erwin._

~~~

“Seriously chief, if I have to spend one more night here I’m going to go fucking insane.” Levi grouched at him. "They keep coming and asking me at all hours of the day and night if I have thoughts about killing myself, and every time they do it's getting more and more fucking tempting." 

Erwin considered the decidedly fed-up man sitting in the perfectly made hospital bed. Levi had already made good one escape from medical, having absconded the day before only to be escorted back an hour later none too happily. But Erwin couldn’t see any obvious reason the man needed to be cooped up any longer in the small room.

He placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder, “I’ll enquire how much longer you need to stay.”

As he left to find someone to speak with, Erwin thought about how Levi had just shrank away from his touch slightly, instead of leaning into it like he normally would. Perhaps he just hadn’t been expecting it, or maybe his busted lip was too painful for even light kisses.

Happily, the staff were as pleased to get rid of the grumpy man as Erwin was to escort him out.

Levi grunted with relief, “Thank fuck. Get me out of here,”

Ripping back the covers, Levi leapt out of bed and hastily dressed, not even bothering with his cravat. Then he shoved Erwin towards the door before the doctors could change their minds.

Once they were back in Erwin’s quarters, Levi had looked around with unconcealed disgust at the wrinkled bed sheets and the general untidiness of the place. Erwin was terrible at making the bed, and could never quite iron out the creases in the sheets with his hands.

“I’ll remake the bed. I wasn’t expecting you back so soon.” He reassured the fastidious man. “It needs fresh sheets anyway. Then I’ll make some tea Levi. You make yourself at home and I’ll be right back.”

Glad beyond measure to have Levi returned to him, Erwin scooted down to the kitchens with a spring in his step after making the bed. Recently he had ordered a new blend of tea from the emporium Levi liked and had originally planned to surprise him with it after the inspection as a thank-you gift for his help with everything. That obviously hadn’t gone to plan.

The new plan was to let him enjoy his new tea and settle back in, and then Erwin would hold his hand and tell him about how much he was loved. Erwin smiled in his resolve. It was going to be perfect.

When he re-entered his quarters and saw Levi folding some clothes Erwin had unceremoniously shoved into a drawer, he felt his heart swell at the sight. The fire had also been lit and the crooked logs crackled merrily in the hearth. With the man bustling around, and the smell of the tea steaming up from the tray in his hands, the room felt like home again. It had seemed very empty and cold in Levi’s absence.

Erwin set the tray down on the desk, excited to tell Levi about the new variety of tea leaves he’d purchased, “It’s a new tea I picked up for us. With blue cornflowers in it.” He handed the packet over for Levi to inspect. “The vendor said to let it stew for a while,”

“Oh?” Levi picked up the brown envelope with the leaves, sniffing it and reading the instructions. “For how long? Long enough for me to have some fun?”

Not entirely sure where this was going, Erwin tilted his head questioningly, “Some fun?”

Levi smirked, setting down the packet and glancing up mischievously at Erwin. He walked towards him and pushed his hands against Erwin’s chest, forcing him to walk backwards. When the backs of his knees hit the armchair, Erwin sat down, watching intently as Levi knelt and quick hands began unbuckling the belts of Erwin’s uniform.

To say he was taken aback would be an understatement.

Erwin’s hand went to smooth Levi’s bangs back from his face to see his expression, “Levi, you don’t have to-“

“Shut up, eyebrows. I’ve missed feeling you up, and I’m sure you’re gagging for it. Sit back and enjoy it. Let me have my fun.”

Unbuttoning Erwin’s trousers, Levi fished a hand into his boxers and lifted out his penis, which had yet to react to the unexpected offer. Erwin raised an eyebrow on realising that Levi hadn’t even asked him to wash in his rush to pleasure him. To his credit, Levi tried to give Erwin his best bedroom eyes, but the fact that one was black, his face was bruised and a cheek was still slightly swollen proved too guilt-inducing to allow for any level of arousal to build. Still, the younger man persevered, milking the foreskin down and taking the glans into his mouth, licking Erwin’s frenulum and swirling his tongue around the opening at the tip in the way that usually had Erwin bucking his hips involuntarily.

Tonight however, it felt sensitive but absolutely nothing happened. No blood or arousal pooled in his lower abdomen. No excitement built in his chest.

Erwin tried- god did he try- to enjoy what Levi was doing. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, then tried watching Levi and running his hands through the soft black hair. But his erectile function had abandoned him. Instead of letting Levi needlessly persevere, Erwin cupped a hand under the angular chin and forced him to look up. The soft cock slipped from his lips.

“Thank you for trying, but I don’t think I’m in the right mood for anything Levi. I don’t think I’ve slept properly since before the inspection, and I’ve been so worried about you. But did you want me to reciprocate?” Erwin kept his voice soft, not wanting to dissuade Levi from initiating love play in future when they were both actually feeling up to it.

Levi’s honest face looked back at him, “No, I’m still a bit sore.”

“Let me see.”

Gesturing for Levi to undress, Erwin could see the hesitancy in Levi’s hands, as they paused before starting to undo his shirt buttons. Erwin’s hands joined in, trying to be as tender as possible. Swathed in bruises that were slowly changing from red and purple to green and yellow, as skin was revealed inch by inch Erwin could see that not even Levi’s genitals had escaped injury. One testicle in particular still looked a bit red and swollen. Erwin knelt before him to better examine the injury.

“Is it sore?”

“Yeah, aches a bit and makes me feel a bit nauseated from time to time. They say it’ll calm down soon. Cold compresses help with the pain.”

Laying the side of his face on Levi’s inner thigh Erwin closed his eyes, feeling oddly faint. Levi laid his hand on his head.

“I need you to keep it together for me, Erwin. Please.” Levi’s voice was still gravelly, but the pain in it wasn’t purely physical this time.

It reminded Erwin of what he had meant to ask Levi when he had a chance.

Standing slowly, Erwin gazed down at the smaller man and placed a hand near the side of Levi’s neck, “Why haven’t you mentioned those marks around your neck? Or how hoarse your voice is?”

He hadn’t meant for it to sound like a reprimand, but it made Levi cross his arms defensively.

“What marks?”

Now this Erwin couldn’t believe. “Don’t pretend Levi.”

“Pretend?” Levi looked genuinely bewildered. “What are you blathering on about?”

Doubt started to build in Erwin’s mind as he watched Levi’s face for signs that he was trying to deceive him. But he saw none.

“You can’t tell me that you haven’t noticed them?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen a mirror in over a week, Erwin. They didn’t want me seeing the damage in case it made me crack up.” Levi fingered at the ligature burns encircling his wrists and chest. “I mean, obviously I noticed these,”

“So _these_ -“, Erwin gently traced the rope burns encircling Levi’s neck, “-these don’t hurt?”

“Ow, hey.” Disgruntled now, Levi batted Erwin’s hands away. “I don’t know what _these_ are that you’re flapping your mouth about,”

“Well, go and have a look then.”

Eyeing Erwin suspiciously, Levi stalked off to the bathroom mirror to see for himself. He froze on seeing the banded red friction burns around his neck, his expression displaying his utter shock. Levi tilted his head back and peered down at his reflection in the mirror. Then, leaning in to stare more closely at the ligature marks with wide eyes, the younger man went pale and gripped the ceramic sink hard enough to turn his knuckles white.

“I don’t know where-“ Levi shook his head as his voice tailed off, as though he was struggling to remember what had happened, “-what the fuck?”

Levi lifted a hand to touch them himself, turning his head from side to side to see that, yes indeed, they continued all the way around his neck. Recognition flashed across Levi’s features as he touched them.

“No wait, I do. I-“, he looked over at Erwin, unsure whether to continue.

But Erwin had to know.

“Tell me, Levi,” he ordered.

His fine eyebrows furrowed, Levi was working hard to recall what had been done to him.

His breathing had become slightly erratic, and the younger man tried to master himself, looking back at his reflection as he spoke, “It’s patchy, but I think they hogtied me, then hung me off the floor by the neck and showed me where they’d cut me open when they brought me to the capital, to give me an idea of what I was in for.”

Erwin stood silently; the floor under him reeling.

This wasn't happening. This wasn't possible. No. No. 

_Stop_ , he wanted to say, but his tongue was dry and stuck to the roof of his mouth. _I take it back, neither of us needs to know this_. _This should stay forgotten._

Levi traced a finger down the midline of his belly, his voice growing more tremulous, “They kept me hanging till I passed out, then I came to on the floor. Then I got hoisted up again by the neck. They did it a few times, till they got bored.”

Erwin stared in horror, the beat of his pounding heart thundering in his ears, “They performed a mock execution?”

“I remember pissing myself the second time.” Levi’s voice was practically a whisper as he scrutinised the marks and the broken blood vessels on his face in the mirror’s brutally honest reflection, turning his head side to side to better see them. “I don’t know how I forgot.”

Erwin did. It wasn’t what he’d originally thought; a purposeful attempt by Levi to conceal part of his torture. No. The experience had obviously been so very traumatic, that Levi’s own mind had hidden it from him.

And he had forced Levi to remember.

God dammit.

Erwin averted his gaze to the floor, unable to witness any more of Levi’s pain. A terrible sourness hit the back of his throat and his mouth began to water, the the telltale signs of an impending puke-fest. But out of the corner of his vision, he saw the younger man abruptly sway, his grip now loose on the sink. His own nausea forgotten, Erwin snapped his head up and swooped in to steady Levi as he crumpled to the floor.

"Woah there," Erwin tried and failed to stand Levi back up again.

His hands kept slipping from where they could no longer gain purchase on Levi due to a sheen of perspiration having appeared over every inch of his skin. Levi had gone an awful colour and looked as if he was about to vomit. 

“I think I need to sit down,” Levi’s voice had a hollow ring to it, and there was a vacant look in his grey eyes.

Holding him under one elbow and around his waist, Erwin started to walk him slowly towards the bed, “Do you want to lie down? We could go to bed?”

“Yeah,” Levi sounded faraway, his steps faltering and slow. 

In trying to make the bed to Levi’s liking, Erwin had tucked the cover firmly under the mattress to smooth out the creases. He wished he hadn’t bothered now. Turning the thing down while trying to manoeuvre the (much heavier than he looked) man into the bed was proving tricky.

“Stay there,” Erwin said firmly but rather unnecessarily once he had succeeded in slotting Levi between the tightly tucked sheets. Truly, the man looked as if he were ready to pass out. “I’ll get you a drink. Tea, or something stronger?”

“Both. Separately,” Levi was blinking hard and looking up to the ceiling, as though he could see something other than the tiles.

Rummaging through the sideboard, Erwin searched for something strong but half-way decent, “Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey,” he muttered to himself.

_Aha!_

The bottle was nearly empty, but there was enough left for a large dram. Levi had the palms of his hands digging hard into his eyes when Erwin returned to the bedside. Once the glass was in his hand, Levi quickly downed the drink, grimacing as it burned his throat. It seemed to snap him out of his reverie somewhat.

Erwin stripped down to his underwear and joined Levi under the cover, blowing out the candles and letting the room darken. He reached out for the younger man, intent on holding him close.

Against him, Levi fidgeted and moved his legs restlessly. Bony elbows and knees kept knocking against Erwin as Levi moved around in evident agitation on top of the mattress. One minute the younger man would be all cuddles. The next he would shift across the bed as far away from Erwin as he could get. Then he would roll back again seeking comfort. Normally he would be content to lie pretty still until Erwin fell asleep; if Levi didn’t fall asleep himself he would stealthily extricate himself out from Erwin’s grip and sit quietly in his chair to doze.

This hyper-active behaviour was all distinctly un-Levi-like, as was the profuse amount of sweat beading on his chest and face. 

“Levi, what’s wrong?” Erwin felt uneasy trying to restrain him in his arms.

“I dunno. I just feel-“, but Levi tailed off, clearly not sure what he felt.

The other man seemed extremely hyper-vigilant. It was similar to the way some soldiers behaved at night when they were on a mission beyond the walls and couldn’t relax. Erwin made to place a hand on Levi’s shoulder, but in the dark he missed and his hand landed on Levi’s neck instead. Leaping clean off the bed, Levi landed on his feet and Erwin could hear rustling indicating he was re-dressing.

“I’ll sit in the chair. I need to be upright.” Panic laced Levi’s voice and body language.

Alarmed at Levi’s behaviour, Erwin thought about asking him if he were alright, but it was a dumb question. The other man wasn’t alright

Grunting as he hefted himself out of bed, Erwin lit the lamp, picked up the light and cover, and brought them over to the couch. Plopping down on one side of the sofa, he spread the cover over his front, leaned one arm against the high armrest and dropped his weight against the back rest. He set the lamp on the little table beside him. Then he stretched out his arm in what he hoped was an inviting gesture.

“Come here.” It wasn’t an order, but Erwin hoped the look in his face suggested there wasn’t room for argument.

Levi stood watching him warily. “Erwin, you need to sleep in the bed. You’ll ruin your back if you try to sleep like I do.”

Beckoning with his hand, Erwin tried to give Levi a comforting look, “Let me hold you. Let me help you feel safe. Just for tonight. You need to sleep. Have you even slept since the night before the inspection?”

“No, I haven’t,” he admitted, looking at Erwin. “It was fucking impossible in that noisy San. They had me on a fucking suicide watch, and those nurses kept coming to do observations at all hours of the night. And-“, but Levi paused and didn’t finish.

_-And you weren’t there._

Erwin could hear the unspoken utterance in Levi’s downturned face.

“Would you like me to read to you?” He knew Levi loved being read to.

The idea won the younger man round. “Yes. That sounds nice.”

“Pick a book and come and sit here with me.”

Hesitantly, Levi padded across the room to choose a book. He took out a thin paperback and handed it to Erwin, then sat down and settled himself in the embrace awaiting him. Erwin moved the cover around them both, then tilted his head back against the cushion and began to read. It was one of the silly romance novels he was fond of. On finding out another of Erwin’s guilty pleasures, Levi had wound him up mercilessly for days. 

_"Fiction is silly. It’s like reality, but without the productivity, Erwin." Levi had teased_.

But more recently he had noticed that Levi had been starting to flick through the stories himself when he thought no one was watching.

Against him, Levi still moved but less than he had done in bed. Slowly as the warmth built up between them and Erwin’s voice cadenced calmly, he felt Levi fit his head against his shoulder. The young man's grey eyes stopped darting around the room every time a log cracked in the fire, and soon settled to peering at the words in the book as they were read aloud. His head grew heavy on his shoulders and lolled against Erwin. A few times he jolted back to wakefulness, but eventually that too stopped. At last the slight frame relaxed against Erwin, but he continued to read aloud until he could feel Levi’s breathing cycle even and deep. Finally able to set the book down, Erwin dimmed the light and leaned back against the chair.

 _I’ve fucked it up_ , he realised as he sat squashed between the cushions and the man lying unconscious against him. Another day would go by where hadn’t said it.

Ah well. Maybe tomorrow there would be a perfect moment.

It wasn’t particularly comfortable to try and sleep upright, but their proximity and shared heat augmented Erwin’s own exhaustion, and at some point he joined Levi in slumber.

He awoke with the cold winter sunrise to a crick in his neck and to Levi stretching out his limbs. The back ache was worth it to see Levi looking better rested. But it didn’t last. And there were few good moments to be had after that.

~~~~

Over the next few days Levi seemed to completely swap his day-night cycle. He would stay up all night away from Erwin’s quarters; from the appearance of his hands and knees it looked like he was away cleaning. His normally anankastic desire to clean had become more pathologically obsessive-compulsive. Then during the day he would finally droop from exhaustion in the middle of eating or doing paperwork, going floppy and sleeping for about half an hour before waking again. It couldn’t be refreshing or restorative sleep in any sense.

During one such micro-sleep where Levi had dropped off with his head leaning on the wing of his armchair, Erwin’s office door opened and Hanji walked in, mouth opening in readiness to loudly announce something.

Quickly putting his index finger to his lips and pointing the other at the chair, Erwin gestured for them to remain silent. Hanji popped their head around the armchair Levi was sitting in and clasped their hands to their heart at the adorable sight of Levi sound asleep, his head at an unnatural angle. If Erwin had fallen asleep like that, he was sure he wouldn’t be able to move his neck for days after, but Levi never seemed to get a sore neck no matter what position he fell asleep in.

Signalling for them both to exit the room, Hanji backed up out the door. “He’s hardly sleeping at all these days,” Erwin whispered, closing the door behind them and moving Hanji further down the hall lest they awoke him with their conversation. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Sex might help him sleep,”

Erwin tried to look confused, “You want me to suggest to him that he go and sleep with someone?”

Giving him a wink, Hanji explained, “Well, no Erwin, of course not. I meant for _you_ to toss him into bed and show him a good time between the sheets.”

“Me?” Trying to look innocent, Erwin pointed at himself.

Clicking their tongue in annoyance, Hanji crossed their arms, “Yes you. Don’t pretend you aren’t already climbing into bed together at every opportunity.”

“We aren’t.” Perhaps he shook his head slightly too fervently.

“Uh huh. Alright. If you insist, we will all just continue pretending that you live together merely as friends.”

He put a hand behind his head and scratched his scalp, “Heh, we don’t _live_ together.” _That_ was definitely said too evasively.

Letting out an annoyed sound, Hanji waved a dismissive hand at him, “Whatever, Erwin.”

“Besides,” Erwin tried to get off the subject, “he sustained an injury down there, so maybe he would still be too sore to sleep with anyone.”

Normally, Erwin would have struggled going without sex this long with an attractive partner in such close proximity. But at the moment, neither man seemed able to conjure an ounce of arousal between the pair of them. More than the sex, Erwin missed the amount of physical contact he had grown used to. From Levi, a touch wasn’t just a touch; to Erwin it felt like a kiss from Levi's soul onto his skin, the whispering of his feelings from his fingertips. And Erwin had never needed it more.

Afraid of aggravating Levi’s injuries, Erwin had all but stopped laying hands on him. And Levi was skittish and refusing to come to bed. A combination of guilt and lack of contact had driven an emotional wedge between them, and Erwin wasn’t sure where to go from here.

But he was pretty sure Levi would not have wanted him to confide in Hanji about _any_ of that.

“Poor Levi." Hanji crooned. "Did they stomp on the family jewels? From the sounds of it he needs to try and at least get back into a sleep routine of sorts. How about a massage before bed? Or a nice bath?”

That appealed greatly. But there was one problem. Their first morning back together had been a bit disastrous. They had gone to shower as usual, but after Erwin had turned the faucet on and the water spray hit Levi’s face, the younger man had freaked and in a frenzy of panic had lashed out, nearly smashing the glass door as he tried to escape. There were frantic efforts by Erwin to turn the water off and get the frightened man dry. For a while after, Levi had hyperventilated until he'd nearly fainted, and was terribly pale and agitated for much of the remainder of the day. Since then he had then switched from having his usual quick twice daily showers to washing with a cloth and bucket of soapy water. But perhaps just sitting in water might be a good step towards normality.

“Yeah, I could suggest a bath before we head to bed. Although, he’s wary around water at the moment.” Slightly too late, Erwin realised that in agreeing to Hanji’s suggestions, he had confirmed that they were indeed going to bed together at night. But he desperately needed advice and it appeared that Hanji had figured them out anyway.

He leaned back against the wall and looked at Hanji, “I don’t suppose there’s something he could take that might help him get back into a sleep routine?”

“Is he avoiding sleeping because of bad dreams?”

Erwin hadn’t thought of that. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’ll enquire. His behaviour in general has deteriorated.”

“You mean he’s actually misbehaving?”

"No, nothing like that.” Erwin tried to think of how best to explain it. “His emotions seem……blunter and less intense than usual. And he’s not reacting to things normally.”

“So he’s even more apathetic than normal? Wow.”

“He gets no enjoyment out of things he normally likes. Not even tea. He only picks at his food. And at night he’s almost-“, he wasn’t sure if it was the right word, “-paranoid?”

“Paranoid? About what?”

“I don’t know exactly. He’s jumpy. Doesn’t like the dark. He’s being over-anxious about how clean things are-“, Erwin put up a hand to stay Hanji, who had opened their mouth to protest, “-even more so than usual.”

Pushing their glasses up their nose, Hanji asked, “Does he say paranoid things?”

He pondered for a moment, “No, but he seems to have a heightened sense of threat at night. And he’s struggling to concentrate and complete pieces of correspondence that he’s normally perfectly capable of doing.”

There was another thing Erwin had noticed, and missed dreadfully.

“He’s talking less, and isn’t making jokes like normal.”

Hanji’s eyebrows raised, “You miss his jokes? Gosh Erwin, are _you_ quite well? That sounds like a good thing to me. His sense of humour is dreadful.” They dug an elbow into Erwin’s ribs. “Don’t tell me Mister I-Only-Read-Highbrow-Literature secretly likes toilet humour? Or constant witticisms being made about your bathroom habits?”

But Erwin did. Since coming back from medical, Levi hadn’t made any of his usual quips about Erwin’s guilty pleasure of sitting and reading on the toilet. The bathroom was one of the few places Erwin could get respite from anyone, and Levi found it hilarious that the Squad Leader would hide in there for an inordinate amount of time with a stack of toilet books. Erwin remembered one time after sitting overlong on the toilet that his legs had actually gone numb and he’d been totally unable to stand. Levi had come in and ribbed him mercilessly before helping him up. True it hadn’t seemed super funny at the time, but when Erwin looked back on that day, he would find himself unable to hold back the snorts of laughter at Levi’s amusement and jests as he assisted him off the throne.

“I’m sure I can find something that will relax him." They had a rather mischievous smile which Erwin struggled to wholly trust. "Send him to me and I’ll assess him. And for what it’s worth I’ll give you my ‘professional opinion’. But I equally think you need to ease up on the guilt, bud. You moping around him isn’t going to make Levi feel any better.”

It was true, he _had_ been moping around. Levi’s blunted mood and lack of motivation had rubbed off on him and Erwin was surprised at finding how reliant he was now on Levi’s fortitude. He felt truly at a loss at how to help Levi, who was clearly struggling psychologically with what had happened in the cells. With his own extreme guilt gnawing away at him, Erwin felt he was overcompensating, and simply making thing worse. He was glad to unload some of his concerns to someone else, hopeful that if they all worked together that they could act as a support network.

“Remind him you care,” Hanji suggested, as they left. “That you cherish whatever he is able to give you. Even if for a while it may not be much.”

~~~~

Giving a quiet knock that he hoped wouldn’t be heard, Levi rapped lightly on Hanji’s door and was just about to slip away and pretend that no one had answered, when it was flung open and Levi was pulled into a smelly embrace.

“Levi! How wonderful to see you!”

Pushing them away, Levi straightened his clothes, “I’m only here because Erwin ordered it.”

“Oh poo, don’t lie Levi. You’ve missed me, I can tell!”

As expected, Hanji was busy tinkering among their pile of devices and paperwork. What even was half this stuff? Levi crossed his arms and tried to make himself as small as possible, lest he touch one of the strange things dotted around the weird soldier’s room. He could hear ticking and odd little clanks from the shelves all around him, the wood heaving and groaning under the weight of books and odds and ends.

Tinkering with a set of little cogs, Hanji asked bluntly, “So, how have you been feeling since the MP had you round to play?”

Levi shrugged, “Bored. Nothing seems interesting at the moment.”

They raised an eyebrow suggestively, “Not even _Erwin_?” The name was spoken in a sing-song voice. “You never seem to leave his side.”

“I worry about him. That’s all.” His face gave little away.

“What do you worry about?”

He pursed his lips, trying to think of what to say, “I don’t know. That something will happen, I guess.”

“Like, he’s in danger?”

He shrugged again, “I guess.”

Humming to themselves, Hanji set down one device and picked up another, “And how’s your appetite?”

Everything tasted bland. “It feels like food turns to ashes in my mouth. I never feel hungry.”

Four-eyes blurted out, “Yeah, Erwin said he has to keep reminding you to eat.”

“Is he finding me a burden?” The thought that the other man might get sick of his low mood had occurred to Levi. He couldn’t imagine losing his best friend. He wanted to try and stay strong for him. The man had done so much for him.

“No, of course not.” Hanji’s voice and demeanour was reassuring, “You’re his favourite little person in the whole world. He clearly cares about you very much, and just wants you to be happy-”

A small smile found its way to Levi’s face, and his chest clenched at someone else having noticed that Erwin liked him.

“-and to sleep. If we can get you sleeping a bit more, I’m sure lots of these other problems will start to sort themselves out. I have a few things we can try. And if they don't work, I have this little plant I’ve been growing, and the flowers are good as tea for helping with anxiety and low mood.”

“He wants you to tranq me? What did you have in mind? I don’t like taking things that dull my senses.” Such a slip in the Underground could quickly result in disaster, and after a few such mishaps in his youth, Levi had actively avoided taking mind-altering substances.

Imploringly, Hanji’s eyes pleaded with him, “Won’t you try? For Erwin? The guy is wracked with guilt, Levi.”

“Fine.” It was hard to summon up the motivation to do it for himself. But he could do it for Erwin’s sake.

“Try this,” They presented Levi with a plate of what looked like several pieces of toast, fully saturated with butter with little green bits floating in it. It was pretty well known that Levi was a total butter-addict. It made sense that Hanji thought to dissolve their offering into the salty fat to tempt him with it.

Levi was surprised to say the least. “Is this what I think this is?”

“It’s an edible.”

Impressed at the misdeed, he gave a curious look at Hanji and picked up a piece, “Where did you even get this?”

Quirking up an eyebrow, Hanji tilted their head mischievously, “Do you really wanna know?”

“No. Probably not.” He took a tentative bite. “Not bad. This stuff is fucking strong though.” And proceeded to polish it all off, licking the herbal butter off his fingers. “How long will it take to work?”

Now regarding the empty plate with some astonishment, Hanji tapped a finger against their chin, “Well you weren’t supposed to eat it all, Levi. That was enough for a few people to enjoy." They spread their hands in defeat, "Never mind. I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’ll take about two hours and I’ll pop round soon to start making my observations.”

~~~

Having returned from Hanji’s workshop, Levi informed Erwin that he had indeed taken some kind of medication to help with his anxiety. Hanji had followed moments later and made themselves comfy in a chair, ostensibly to take notes and observe the effects.

It was clear even to Erwin when the medication Hanji had given Levi had started to take effect. Firstly, Levi was able to actually stop pacing and sit down. Then his leg, which had been madly hopping under him as he sat, stopped bouncing. The fine fidgeting and picking at his re-growing fingernails desisted. The muscles in his face relaxed. Then, completely unexpectedly, he took himself mutely over to the bed and lay down without even taking his shoes off.

Curious, Erwin approached the bed and peered down. Levi’s eyes were half-closed and had a faraway look about them. He waved his hand across Levi’s blank face and saw no response.

“Wow. What did you actually give him Hanji?”

“Weed.”

Aghast, he exclaimed, “Hanji!” Erwin’s eyes widened in disbelief. Cannabis was a controlled substance and completely forbidden within the military. “You got him _stoned_?!”

“Well, you told me to get him relaxed. It worked didn’t it? I put it in some butter, and he-”

~~

Meanwhile, Levi was in his own little world. He could hear the other two arguing, but found himself totally unable to respond. His thought processes had introverted themselves completely and he lay there mute, introspective thoughts racing inside his head but totally unable to find their way to his tongue and lips.

It was nice. Time had stopped feeling linear. He was floating and had forgotten what it was that had been distressing him mere moments before. Hanji was imitating something being gobbled up, and Erwin was over by the desk gesticulating wildly about something. It was fucking hilarious to watch.

~~~

From the bed, Erwin heard a strange, gurgled giggle. Levi was watching him and his lips were curled in an odd smile. It was certainly a change from the rather apathetic expressions of late. Sighing, Erwin went and sat on the bed, laying a hand in the dark hair.

“Are you alright?” There was no answer, but Levi continued to stare up at him lovingly. Erwin found himself unable to not smile back. “Thumbs up for yes, thumbs down for no.”

Somehow, Levi managed to raise one thumb upwards.

“Alright.” Feeling slightly more relieved, Erwin turned a judgemental gaze to Hanji, “How long will this last?”

Having never done recreational drugs, Erwin had no personal experience of being stoned. He began to remove Levi’s shoes for him, then pulled a thin blanket over him.

Hanji put their chin in one hand to ponder, “Hmmmm, probably quite a while. He ate it rather than smoked it, so the effect takes longer to come on and then longer to wear off. Also he ate the ones Moblit and I were going to experiment with later.” Then they chuckled menacingly, “You know, I have some other things we should try another day that show promise for people who have experienced trauma. I must say though, with his tolerance to alcohol, I wasn’t expecting this to hit him like a freight train.”

“Are these other substances illicit too? And will they have an effect like this?” Erwin pointed at Levi, who although silent had his grinning gaze placed fixedly on Erwin.

Wringing their hands in glee, Hanji practically shook with excitement, “I don’t know. We’ll see!”

Huffing out a sigh through his nose, Erwin dismissed Hanji and went over to look again at the stoned man on his bed. Levi stared speechlessly back at him, giving him a wide-toothed grin that was impossible to not return despite his concerns.

He took one of Levi’s hands in his own; they were excoriated and dry from too much contact with his collection of cleaning products. There was no way a criminal from the Underground wouldn’t have known what it was Hanji had plied him with. “Don’t tell me Levi, you’ve tried this stuff before?”

Levi nodded.

Sighing, but pleased something had worked, Erwin asked, “Is it working? Are you happy with how you feel?”

Levi continued to smile dumbly back at him. The stress certainly appeared to have vacated Levi’s body. Well, there was one sure fire way to check.

Erwin stood and took off his own jacket, holding it out at arm’s length. Then, watching Levi’s expression closely, he opened his hand and casually let the jacket drop to the floor.

Levi watched it fall, then swivelled his eyes back to Erwin and smiled.

Fuck.

It must be good stuff. Maybe it would do Levi no harm to get high with some degree of frequency.

“Shall I join you on the bed, or do some work? I’ll be right at the desk watching you.” He asked.

Levi nodded unhelpfully.

“Which would you prefer Levi? Desk or bed?”

Levi’s eyebrows raised suggestively. Erwin sighed; he wasn’t going to be able to concentrate on much anyway with Levi in this state. He ended up compromising by sitting on the bed beside Levi to read; his lover’s head had relocated itself to Erwin’s lap for a massage. Once Levi had actually fallen asleep, Erwin gazed down at him.

 _I hope this works_ , he thought.

Up until Levi had gone mute on the bed, Erwin had the evening all planned out. The medication would work, Levi would relax and then they would cuddle. Then Erwin would reciprocate Levi’s feelings for him. Then they would kiss and cuddle some more. Maybe even have sex.

But with Levi now doped up to the eyeballs, Erwin had serious doubts that the man would be able to remember Erwin’s carefully planned speech, let alone partake in any pleasures of the flesh. 

_No_ , _it’s not the perfect moment_ , he decided, sighing. _I’ll choose another time._

_~~_

Erwin awoke in the dark to Levi climbing clumsily out of bed. Looking at the clock, it had only been an hour since they had both fallen asleep on the bed still fully clothed.

Rubbing his eyes in frustration that Hanji’s plan hadn’t succeeded in Levi having a full night's sleep, Erwin asked as patiently as he could, “Where are you going?” He hoped it wasn’t a compulsion to clean that had driven Levi out of bed. “Did you have a nightmare?”

Levi bent over to pull on his shoes. “No, I’ve got the munchies. I’m fucking starving. I’m going to go to the kitchens to steal some food. You want to come?”

“The pantries will be locked at this hour.”

Then Erwin saw what he’d been missing in his lover; a twinkle of mischief had appeared in Levi’s steely eyes.

“Tcch, what sort of fucking lock has _ever_ been able to stop me?”

~~~

“Mmmmmm, cheese.” Levi lifted out a whole block of cheese, a stick of butter and a loaf of bread which had been wrapped in a cloth to prevent it going stale. From his crouch by the now unlocked pantry shelves, Levi looked up at Erwin, “Anything you see that you want?”

Standing with his arms crossed and looking like a petulant child, Erwin watched Levi disapprovingly, “I’m not hungry. Or a thief.”

“If you say so, goose boy. I’ll make us both grilled cheese. And if you don’t eat yours, I will.”

Grabbing a pan and a few utensils, Levi turned on the gas hob and let the metal pan heat up, unceremoniously dumping most of the butter into it and letting it melt. Then he cut up the cheese and bread into thick slabs and sandwiched them together. 

Erwin looked dubiously at the large lump in the pan, “That’s a lot of butter Levi. Do you plan on getting out of future expeditions by dying soon from a heart attack?”

“You can _never_ have too much butter,” argued the lean man, letting the butter brown in the pan before throwing the sandwiches in and turning them intermittently with a large flat knife.

The cheese sandwiches fried merrily in the bubbling fat. Erwin felt his mouth begin to water at the sight of the melting cheese. Unconsciously, he inched closer to the origin of the delicious smell. Now that he could smell the seared butter, it was hard to think of anything other than the sandwich cooking in the pan. He licked his lips.

“Here. Chow down on that.”

A plate was shoved into his hands and then Levi sidled one of the fried sandwiches onto it with the flat turning knife. Erwin’s stomach growled loudly. Damn it looked tasty.

They sat on the counter tops side-by-side to eat, thighs touching and feet hanging off the floor. Erwin had to admit, the sandwich really hit the spot. There was just something about illicit melted cheese that was hard to not enjoy. 

Levi mumbled as he chewed a mouthful of food, “You know Erwin, Mike told me that our scents complement each other.”

One of Erwin’s eyebrows raised in interest, “Did he?”

“Yeah, when he came to visit me." Levi sucked some grease off one thumb, "He definitely knows about us.”

Erwin frowned, “From his nose?”

“Yeah," the stoned man shrugged, his legs swinging happily. "Plus we talked about it.”

“You did?!” Erwin felt horrified, staring at Levi who appeared not to have noticed Erwin’s shock. “What did you talk about?”

Chewing, Levi tilted his head in his attempt to recollect the conversation, “He said I should be grateful to him. For letting you practice on his ass first. And that I should think about him when I next let you fuck me.”

Erwin’s mouth dropped open. “And what did you say?”

“I said, ‘Fuck you Mike,’ or something along those lines. Can’t remember.” Levi’s speech was slightly faster than usual, and he seemed remarkably laid back about the frankly bizarre conversation they were having. Then he grinned at Erwin, "But I won't of course. All I'll be thinking about is your fucking giant horse cock." 

Having no clue how to respond, Erwin brought the sandwich up to his mouth and took a bite. He chewed slowly, savouring the saltiness of the cheese and the way it contrasted nicely with the almost meaty flavour of the crispy bits on the fried bread, “Well, he has one thing right. I think in general we complement each other.”

“Of course we do.” Levi nodded as he took a large munch out of his sandwich. “You are a highly functioning psychopath, who thrives on gambles, risk taking, danger and the bigger picture. I’m an obsessive compulsive neat freak who focuses too much on the little details. And on occasion both of us merrily trot off together to fight giant naked monsters who want to eat us. We’re fucked up, but we totally fucking deserve each other.”

Unable to help himself, Erwin barked out an honest, uncensored laugh while Levi swung his legs back and forth from where they dangled over the edge of the counter top.

In all his years in service, Erwin had never snuck down to the kitchens to make secret midnight snacks. During these intimate little experiences that Levi kept introducing him to, it felt like they were inhabiting some sort of alternate world-a normal world. And all the frantic busy spinning of cogs in Erwin’s head could slow, allowing him to savour these moments of quiet joy with the odd little man he’d fallen in love with.

Levi looked at him, his angular face covered in grease and crumbs, and smiled.

 _Now!_ A little voice in Erwin’s head piped up. _Tell him now!_

 _I have a plan,_ the voice of reason in his head countered _. Stick to the plan._

“Right,” Levi hopped down onto his feet, licking his fingers. “I’d better get this cleaned up.”

And once again, another moment was lost. 

~~~

The cannabis certainly seemed to have effects that lasted beyond being acutely high. Levi appeared calmer and displayed a wider range of emotions the next day. He even cracked a joke, and found the motivation to sit and do an activity he normally enjoyed.

While Erwin ploughed through his never-ending pile of paperwork, in the comfy armchair to the side of the desk, Levi sat with one leg crossed horizontally over the other. Alongside him lay a pile of socks that he’d been collecting that had holes of various sizes. As Erwin filled in the mundane paperwork, Levi happily wiled away the time with needle and thread, darning the holes and folding the socks once he was done. Then he moved onto re-attaching buttons, and fixed a hole that had developed in the underarm of one of Erwin’s favourite shirts.

A soft smile made it’s way to Erwin’s face as he let his aching hand take a break from scribbling to watch Levi. “You are so good with domestic things. You’d have made a good family man.”

“I _was_ a family man of sorts, if you remember.” Levi looked at him without any malice as he spoke. “I took in an annoying little stray, and lived with a man who like you couldn’t seem to take care of himself properly. As for clothes, I had to mend and make do a lot in the Underground. There wasn’t exactly a lot of choice fashion floating around. Izzy was always tearing her clothes tripping over and catching herself on things. Fucking klutz.”

The words had a strange effect on Erwin. He hadn’t really thought about it like that. It made him wonder….

“Did you and Farlan ever…..?” He left the question unfinished.

Biting off a bit of thread, the younger man replied in a firm voice, “No. He was completely straight. We were never together in any sense like _that_. It was a platonic arrangement- partners in crime only. I’m not sure we ever even hugged. Izzy hugged a lot though.”

He was sure that the relief was evident on his face; Levi’s expression softened as he gave his reassurances.

“I told you I was inexperienced. I wasn’t kidding. He tried to set me up with so many women over the years. Thought my penchant for men was weird and would go away if he could shack me up with a girl.” Levi grimaced as he spoke. Clearly even the thought of sleeping with a woman was too much for him.

They continued their respective jobs in silence for a bit. Once the last notice was signed, Erwin gathered the papers and stacked them neatly in the outbox ready to be sent.

“I got you this.” From his desk, Erwin fished out a bottle of hand lotion that smelled herbal. “It’s hemp-based and good for dry skin. I was thinking you might like a hand massage?”

Levi pushed his needle into the pin cushion and flexed his fingers; the webbing between them was cracked and prone to bleeding from handling too much soap and bleach, “Yeah. Alright.”

He set one hand on the table to allow the blonde to begin, and Erwin squirted some of the lotion onto his palm, then took the smaller hand between his own. Levi’s eyes practically rolled into the back of his head as Erwin thumbed the small muscles and joints.

“Mmmmm. That’s really nice. I should get you to do this every week.”

“Gladly,”

Now that he had one of Levi’s hands trapped within his own, Erwin took the opportunity to ask a question he’d been dying to know the answer to for some time, “When and why did you learn to forge my writing Levi?”

Levi shrugged his free shoulder, “At first I wanted to see if I could write all fancy like you. And it seems I can, but it doesn’t come naturally and takes a fucking age to do. Then one day I was writing a letter that I thought might look better if the recipient thought it was from you.” He gave Erwin a roguish look, “Once I realised that I could fool even you, I had planned to forge an order from you for extra tea and mop heads.”

Erwin shook his head at the oddness of it all. For all the things someone could try and obtain- drugs, booze, sugar, meat- and yet Levi’s one track mind thought only of the floors of the HQ. He couldn’t help it; Erwin laughed, “Mop heads?”

“We don’t have enough. And the ones we do have are in seriously bad shape.”

The ointment was greasy, and he’d applied enough to do the other hand as well without needing any more from the bottle. With Levi relaxed, it felt like a good time to suggest some time away together.

Erwin spoke lightly, “I was thinking about taking another break away from here for a weekend. It might do us both some good to get away for a bit. We so seldom get a chance to have some down time. And I never got to take you to the museum either.”

“I dunno.” Some nervousness had crept into Levi’s voice. “It’s a long way to go from HQ.”

Erwin had never heard Levi complain about journey lengths before. Perhaps it was a new manifestation of his anxiety. They would have to overcome this before the next missions were organised.

“I promise not to steal any garden ornaments this time,” Erwin said solemnly, hand on his heart.

That earned him a laugh. “Well, if you do, I’m not helping return them again. Going to the museum _would_ be nice.” Levi conceded, his tone inscrutable as he watched his hand being rubbed. “And we could buy you some new socks and toiletries too. You’re running out.”

Erwin was surprised, “Are you keeping track?”

“Yes.”

Oh.

Erwin smiled. It was sweet, the way this young man tried in his own way to shoulder some of Erwin’s more trivial burdens. In doing so, it allowed him the extra breathing space he needed to think about intellectual matters and the bigger picture. In future, he decided, he would try and pay attention to the little things Levi needed too. Like tea, and mop heads.

Holding Levi’s hands in his own, Erwin allowed himself to appreciate the dichotomous abilities of the small hands of Humanity’s Strongest. These strong hands worked tirelessly alongside his own to build their future together. They could fell the biggest titan, win in a fight against any human and wield weapons with matchless ease. Dextrously, they could thread a needle, pick a lock or expertly forge another man’s writing. And yet they could also passionately love Erwin, and hold and comfort him with the slightest touch when he was troubled by guilt or feelings of undeservedness.

He wondered if now was a good moment to tell Levi how he felt, rather than waiting until they were away together like he had planned. 

_Say it!_ One especially loud inner voice urged.

 _No_ , came a conflicting voice. _It’s not the perfect moment yet._

Erwin cleared his throat, once again quietening down the warring voices and instead asked out loud, “Would you like a bath this evening?”

Levi’s ears perked up at the offer, “Yeah. That sounds good. Can I borrow your lemon soap?”

“It’s yours to use as you please. I also have an arnica soak that’s good for bruises and aches.” Erwin squeezed Levi’s hand to indicate he was done. “Wait here and I’ll go and run one. The water should be warm at this hour.”

"Will you stay with me?" The request was so softly made that Erwin nearly missed it. 

"Of course. I'd planned to." 

~~~~

Once it was ready, Levi appeared beside him, undressing and neatly folding his day clothes. His hands were slippery from the lotion, so Erwin offered him a hand to steady him as he climbed in.

Usually once in the bath, Levi would submerge himself fully, holding his breath for about twenty seconds underwater to get his hair thoroughly soaked. He seemed to have given up that practice, choosing instead to sit almost bolt upright in what looked like a rather uncomfortable position.

Erwin grabbed a three-legged stool and positioned himself behind Levi’s head, “I’ll wash; you relax,”

“Can you sit here,” Levi pointed to the side, “so I can see you?”

“Of course.” He set the chair beside the bath instead, rolling up his sleeves and resting his forearms on the edge of the bath. It felt prudent to ask permission before proceeding with anything to do with getting Levi wet and to not take the jumpy man by surprise at any point. “Try and relax your muscles. How about I use the sponge on you?”

“Sounds great. Knock yourself out.”

Erwin took it out of Levi’s hands and dipped it into the water. Almost purring in contentment at the sponge dragging the warm water across his skin, Levi slowly became like putty in his hands. As usual, the younger man wasn’t dirty and didn’t need cleaned as such. Still, Erwin took the opportunity to run his hands along every gorgeous inch of him. Since their night together on the couch, Erwin was sure that they hadn’t touched more than a handful of times; their fingertips would brush when handing each other things, and they’d laced hands together on the desk once. He wasn’t sure if Levi was actively avoiding being touched, or whether Erwin himself was being too wary, and it was pushing the younger and less physically forward man away. With all Levi’s injuries, Erwin was fearful of hurting him; the other man was stoical when it came to being in pain, and Erwin wasn’t sure if Levi would be honest if Erwin was causing him discomfort when he touched him.

In any case, Erwin was glad to have him hands back on his lover again. The physical distance they’d inadvertently placed between each other had seemed immense, and worsened the emotional chasm between them, which had felt unbridgeable without being able to physically comfort Levi. The man thrived on using their bodies to demonstrate his love. In that moment, being able to touch Levi like this again felt like the only real thing in the world; the reawakening of their relationship, the start of healing and reconnecting with each other.

He made a mental note to thank Hanji for all their advice later.

Levi tipped his head back to allow Erwin to wash his hair. He eyed Erwin and the sponge nervously, “Don’t let my face get wet.”

Erwin felt a lurch in his chest at those words.

“I won’t” he assured. Slowly, Erwin dragged his fingers through the thick black hair and gave the scalp a good massage. Taut neck muscles relaxed and Levi’s head and neck became heavy, relaxing into his hands. Erwin let one hand drift down to feel the beat of Levi’s heart against his palm.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

It beat slow and steady, indicating Levi’s state of relaxation. It made Erwin ponder.

 _Was this the right moment?_ He asked himself as he enjoyed the feel of the tapping beat against his hand, knowing that it beat for him alone. _Should I say it now?_

Levi’s leg jumped the way it would when he was close to falling asleep, where he would experience hypnogogic dreams of falling or tripping up, something Levi never did in real life. The movement caused the water to splash and startled the younger man who must have been drifting off.

Pleased that Levi was so relaxed, Erwin said, “No sleeping in the bath, Levi. I think that’s our cue to finish for now. Time to rinse,”

“Don’t get any on my face,” jolting fully awake now, Levi sat forward as he spoke, sounding slightly panicked.

“I won’t,” Erwin reassured. Cupping his hand on Levi’s forehead and tilting the dark head back, Erwin managed to use the jug to wash the suds out without wetting Levi’s face.

It was easy after that to coax the exhausted man into bed. And as Erwin gathered Levi into his embrace under the duvet, the younger man’s grey eyes drooped as his consciousness swam beneath the surface of the world.

Recently, Levi's brain had been on such constant alert, always ready to fight. It fought hard against his desire to rest his head against his partner and sleep, demanding that Levi keep his eyes open in case something, anything should happen. Erwin stroked one hand through his inky hair, longing for that over-active part of Levi for once to succumb to a state of insensibility. The warmth and safety of the bed, the skin-on-skin contact and the scent of the fresh soap enveloping them eventually soothed the vigilante within, sensing for once that danger no longer was present.

"You're safe. We're both safe," Erwin whispered against the mop of dark hair. "It's alright to sleep. Nothing is going to happen. I'll be here when you wake up." He repeated it every time Levi jolted awake, until slowly, like a bow becoming unstrung, the ever-present tension in the slight frame slipped away and Levi finally let himself welcome sleep.

Almost crying in relief, Erwin brushed a gentle kiss across Levi’s temple and within minutes joined his partner in repose.

~~~~

The next week, Erwin had secured leave from Shadis for a trip away from HQ for a while, having reasoned that it would be good for Levi’s mental health for them both to spend time elsewhere. Levi had scoffed at being used as an excuse for Erwin to whisk them both away, knowing the man was looking forward to doing some sightseeing and then spending all the remaining time getting intimately reacquainted with each other away from prying eyes and ears.

 _And noses_ , he thought.

Like an excited child, Erwin's eyes had widened as they walked through the doors of the museum; clutching a map, he had worked out exactly what route he wanted to take in order to see as much as possible. Levi was content to wander randomly from exhibit to exhibit, but allowed Erwin to steer him towards things of particular interest to the history-buff.

There was one particular item that had caught Levi’s attention. In a glass cabinet was a beautiful china vase. It had clearly once been dropped and had smashed, and someone had then repaired it with glue containing gold dust. The large and small cracks between the reassembled fragments were filled with the yellow tinged adhesive, showing exactly where the vase had been broken and then painstakingly re-pieced together again.

Levi studied it closely, eyes tracing the veins of gold running through the object, delineating where it had once been broken apart, “I’ve read about art like this.”

Coming over to join him and raising a huge eyebrow at the repaired ornament, Erwin regarded Levi with interest. “Oh? Where?”

“Your history of art book.” It was a really nice book, with lots of pictures. Levi had been drawn to it early on in their literacy lessons because the size and number of pictures had held appeal.

Erwin studied the vase curiously. “So what, someone took a broken vase and fixed it?”

“Yes. The technique is called ‘Kintsugi’,”

The blonde looked confused, “Why didn’t they use normal glue? They used a yellow one. You can see all the cracks in it.”

Levi knelt down to better appreciate the work of art, “The gold powder in the lacquer shows that it the ornament, for all it’s beauty, is flawed and modest and fragile. The whole point is to not attempt to disguise the damage. The point is to render the fault lines.” Even Levi could hear the tone of interest registering in his own recently rather apathetic voice. “The veins of gold are there to emphasize that breaks have a philosophical merit all of their own. In a similar way, we ought to cherish the broken pieces of ourselves; respect what is damaged and scarred, vulnerable and imperfect.”

Looking frankly astonished at Levi’s description, Erwin’s mouth hung open like a fish. “Wow Levi. Did you just come up with that yourself?”

“No,” Levi scoffed, “it was written under the picture of the one in the book. And it’s written here too.” He pointed at the little plaque and Erwin bent over to scrutinise it himself.

“Hmmm.” Big eyebrows furrowed as he read, then relaxed. “I like it. Now that I understand it.”

“I would have thought you had more of an appetite for the perfect?” Levi’s voice sounded stony without him meaning to be.

Slowly, Erwin sighed and shook his head, “Nothing and no one is perfect. Aiming for it is an exercise in futility.”

 _What a hypocrite_ , Levi thought. He had never met anyone who strove to be as perfect as the blonde beside him did.

Standing up, Levi regarded the older man, “Well then Erwin, perhaps you ought to practice what you preach. Aim for excellence over perfection in yourself, big guy. The difference is subtle but the impact might be immense.”

Erwin’s expression was difficult to read. The guy stared at the vase as though it was talking to him. Then he spoke, “After a lifetime of demanding perfection from myself, to suddenly change and try and accept anything else is difficult, to say the least. I find it easy to accept that others make mistakes. But not myself.”

Levi nodded, and laid his hand on the glass box surrounding the vase, “The person who fixed this thing took what many would see as some shattered and useless fragments and made them whole again.” He looked up at Erwin and the man swung his blue eyes round at him. “A bit like you and me, really.”

Almost imperceptibly, Erwin’s eyes widened and then he nodded. They stared at each other in silence. Levi wondered if they were both thinking about the same things; their first mission together, Erwin teaching him to write, Levi repeatedly saving the man’s stupid ass, Erwin putting up with Levi’s fucking flashbacks.

Levi spoke again, “Things like this serve to remind us that the place we really have to come to terms with melancholy, imperfection and change is in ourselves. It’s easy to accept them in others.”

Taking a breath through his nose, Erwin sighed and looked back to the exhibit, “I suppose. Who do you know who has a less than blemish-free heart, face or soul?”

His head unmoving, Levi’s eyes swivelled up and over to look at Erwin. In the wise face, with it’s almost imperceptibly fine wrinkles, slightly too large nose and definitely too large eyebrows, Levi saw only charm and beauty. He enjoyed looking at the fine lines that deepened when Erwin laughed at Levi’s terrible potty humour. And although the confident mask the blonde wore at times was rather attractive in it’s own way for all the power and authority it exuded, Levi couldn’t help but feel warm and fuzzy when they were alone together and Erwin would allow it to drop, and stop concealing his true feelings. Even if they weren’t always happy ones. It pleased Levi that with each other they had a space where they could be themselves, even if at times it could seem a sad and sorry place.

~~~~~

By the time they returned to their inn for the night, Levi was feeling decidedly nervous, knowing that Erwin wanted sex, yet incapable of mustering arousal in himself.

 _Well,_ he mused, _perhaps once we get naked I’ll feel differently._

Once in bed, they lay nude under the covers, legs tangled and chests pressed together. Their lips met, as much for comfort as for desire. They were gentle and chaste kisses, nothing like the ferocious passions of late. Their hands wandered, then met and clasped each other. Soft breaths left damp mists on skin as each held the other close.

Despite his own lack of physical response, Levi desired more closeness with Erwin than even their current proximity and touching permitted. Erwin felt strong and alive in his arms; hot and breathing lustily. Levi wanted to feel that energy inside him. Gently, he guided Erwin on top of him and parted his thighs so that the blonde’s hips rested comfortably between them. Neither of them were hard, but after some more time caressing and slowly kissing, Erwin began to stir against Levi’s inner thigh.

He took his time preparing Levi; the man was almost unbearably considerate. While Erwin’s fingers worked their magic, Levi wondered whether women took this much time to get ready for sex, or whether it was just because he was a man, was so small, and Erwin so big. The blonde had undeniable talent for this, but despite that, Levi’s libido had seemed to have abandoned him recently. He still wanted Erwin; just needed sex with him for the closeness it would bring. It made him wonder if that was ever why other people wanted sex, or whether he was just odd.

In an unspoken agreement they assumed missionary position; eyes roaming gently over each other's faces, wordlessly communicating their need for the other. Levi knew Erwin could read him wholly from the expression in his eyes, and tried to make them portray the depth of the love he felt surging through him at the tender way their bodies moved together. The blonde was being exceptionally gentle, even for him, almost as if Levi were made of glass and would break if mishandled. 

As Erwin pushed inside him, the initial feeling of penetration caught Levi’s breath; the intimacy of sex where they were joined like this caused a myriad emotions to well up within him, and Erwin’s unguarded expression during the breach was a joy to behold. Levi rolled his hips, revelling in the feeling of fullness, loving how his body could bring pleasure to Erwin’s.

Levi sighed. After what felt like so long, they were finally one again.

He was so looking forward to feel Erwin coming inside him; couldn’t wait to feel the way the man’s cock would harden and swell just that little bit more before reaching completion. 

They started a slow rocking, with Erwin burying his face into Levi’s neck. The dampness of his breath huffing against Levi’s ear was comforting, and reaching up a hand, Levi curled his fingers in the blonde locks and kept Erwin’s face pressed in.

It took a few moments to register that his neck was getting wetter than it should merely from Erwin panting into it. Pulling gently on Erwin’s hair, Levi tried to get him to disengage to see his face. But Erwin refused to budge. A quiet sob escaped the man smothering him. Unsure what to do, Levi brought his other hand up to ghost a light touch along Erwin’s long back.

“Erwin?”

After long moments of stroking Erwin’s tense back and getting absolutely nowhere, Levi summoned up the strength to roll them over so that he was now on top. Sitting back slightly, he could see Erwin refusing to meet his gaze, eyes wet and red.

“Erwin? Are you alright? Are you not enjoying it?”

“No, no Levi,” the blonde head shook and finally Erwin’s blue eyes met his. Big hands came up to cup Levi’s face. “It’s not that I’m not enjoying it. I just feel-“ Levi had never thought he’d see Erwin Smith at a loss for words. The blonde breathed in a stuttering breath, hands coming up to grip at his own blonde hair, “I don’t know. I just feel too much.”

“Oh.” Levi tried not to look too awkward, not really knowing what to say.

“I only want to feel happy when I’m with you, Levi.”

God the man was emotionally constipated. He didn’t want to hear that Erwin would try and conceal his true feelings from him, and that even included the really shitty ones. Needing to encourage and reassure the older man, Levi quietly stroked down the huge, messed-up eyebrows, “I like that you can be vulnerable with me. There is beauty in all emotion Erwin, even in the most challenging of experiences.”

Then Erwin’s cerulean eyes pierced him, leaving him dazzled, “I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to tell you something important.”

Scoffing, Levi hit Erwin lightly on the chest, “There’s no such thing as a perfect anything. Haven’t we already discussed this?”

The blue eyes slid away for a second, “I guess I thought maybe I was the exception to the rule.”

“No one is.” Levi rocked gently on the hardness inside him that had yet to fade. He smirked at the man beneath him. “But you know, I thought you were perfect once.”

The comment obviously caught Erwin off guard, as his gaze snapped back to Levi at the admission, “Not anymore?” Levi could see the disappointment on blondie’s face.

“No. But it wasn’t a good thing to put you on that pedestal. And I respected you, but I didn’t love you. Now I see you have a dorky wholeness to you that’s preferable to being perfect. And it allows me to love you truly. Otherwise I’d just be worshipping a fanciful version of you that doesn’t really exist, which really neither of us would want.”

“But surely being whole means being perfect?” The blonde looked so perplexed at the statement.

“Wholeness doesn’t equal perfection, Erwin. It means no part left out.” He pointed into the distance, in the vague direction of the museum. “Think about that vase we saw today. It’s whole, but imperfect. And in my opinion it's only the more beautiful for it. I meant what I said. I love you _because_ I know you. For all your brilliance _and_ all your flaws. Never hide them from me.”

~~~

So, this was what making love meant. Certainly in the past, Erwin had encounters where he was gentle and slow with partners, and had pretended to swoon and be in love. Sometimes he had nearly fooled himself into feeling it was real.

But this.......this flood of overwhelming emotion was on another level entirely.

Truly, as sex went, it was pretty awful. Levi wasn’t at all aroused, Erwin could barely summon an erection, and once inside he began weeping almost immediately, and had to hide his face in Levi’s neck. He clearly hadn’t concealed it particularly well though, as Levi seemed to work it out quickly enough and had rolled them over to check that he was alright.

Erwin had _never_ cried during sex, and didn’t fully understand why it was happening to him. Was it just frustration at not being able to speak his feelings? Perhaps it was a function of the stress of late, and the guilt that gnawed horribly at him, despite Levi’s protestations of forgiveness.

But when Levi then proceeded to give an unrehearsed and heartfelt speech on how he loved him for all that he was, it was then that Erwin lost the hold he had on the last fragile tendrils of his dignity.

Overwhelmed with emotion, he felt himself squawking out only a fraction of his well-practiced words, ugly-crying his way through the shortest yet most important speech he had ever given to the most important person in his life. All with zero dignity. His voice sounded strangled, and he was sure that to Levi it must look as if Erwin was having some kind of apoplexy.

“I –uv-u,” his chest heaved as he spoke, throat clenching unbearably tight.

Levi pulled a confused face and leaned in, “What? What’s wrong? Are you unwell?”

Swallowing, closing his eyes and trying to relax his constricted throat muscles, Erwin took a deep breath, paused and tried again. Levi was hovering over him, face inches from his own and looking decidedly concerned. Erwin reached up and brushed away the black bangs that partly obscured Levi’s eyes. He took a moment to gaze into the face of the man he had fallen in love with.

“I-I love you, Levi." He gave an enormous sniff and rubbed his nose, his crying having blocked up his nasal passages. "I’ve- well I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now. But there never seemed a good moment. I had a speech prepared and everything.” He tried with all his might to let what he felt shine through his eyes and expression.

Levi was silent above him. Staring at him. Afraid that he’d not been understood, Erwin tried a third time. Then a fourth. He was halfway through his fifth attempt, when-

“I love-“

-Levi pounced, mashing his lips against Erwin’s and preventing the last bit getting out. Pulling away again, Levi eyes were predatory.

“Say it as you finish inside me,” his young lover demanded, rolling his ass down against Erwin’s hips. “Tell me you love me as you come. I want to watch you come undone because of me.”

And despite it so far probably belonging in the record books as being some of the worst sex anyone had ever had with anyone else, and definitely not the perfect moment planned in Erwin’s head, Erwin couldn’t help but endear what he experienced that night for the intimacy and closeness it brought him with Levi. In the troubled years to come he found himself reminiscing on the changes for the better that night brought about in him; how that night made him a better man.

Previously, sex had only been for pleasure; physical pleasure, and the pleasure of control and the power it gave him. Now he strove to bring them both to an emotional completion Erwin had never thought he’d needed until now. Until he’d fallen head over heels for this one man.

“God,” he swore, as yet unused to Levi being bold and making demands during sex. It turned him on immensely, especially the idea Levi had in mind; declaring his love during his most unguarded of moments. Wanting to take more control over the encounter, Erwin rolled them back over again.

He felt his arousal rekindle, the base of his cock twitching and throbbing inside Levi. “How do you want it?”

Levi bared his teeth and flashed his canines at Erwin, snarling out his desire, “Do whatever it takes to come as hard as you fucking can,”

Erwin’s hips flexed forward at the order, eyes rolling into the back of his head as he buried his cock deep and fast, “UuhHhnn, Levi!”

“I want you to absolutely fill me, blondie,” Levi growled in his ear. “I want every last fucking drop. Don’t you dare hold back on me.”

His lust in overdrive at the command and the dominance displayed, Erwin began building up momentum with his hips. Hard and fast was the way to go to achieve the most intense orgasm unless he edged first, and he was sure Levi didn’t mean for him to try and do that. It would take forever.

Levi’s gaze on him was intensely sensual; Erwin couldn’t take his eyes off him. A slave to Levi’s wishes, he snapped his hips hard against the backs of Levi’s thighs, driving himself deep and fast into the other’s body.

Levi’s hand shot between them and he began to fondle himself. Changing tactic now that he saw Levi was intent on coming too, Erwin hiked the man’s knees over his shoulders and aimed his thrusts so they would rub against his sweet spot.

He knew he’d hit his mark when Levi began making melodious calls of pleasure, and Erwin’s body rose to his summons.

“Let go, Erwin,” Levi demanded.

 _Yes_ , he decided, emotions raging, _I want to feel it all._

And letting go of his vulnerabilities, Erwin allowed himself for the first time during sex to drop all his defenses and to deeply experience it all. Every fleeting sensation and rising pleasure, and fear and longing and passionate joy that this man elicited within him.

Their sex together was madness; wildness; together it allowed them to become whole. It was sacred, the way their souls sang together. And what a beautiful song it was, with it’s constant crescendos and changes. It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard. He could listen to it forever.

“Talk dirty to me,” his younger lover growled imperiously, bringing him back down to Earth.

Sweat dropped from Erwin’s forehead onto Levi, and he bent down to lick it off. “I love it when you moan like a slut under me, Levi.”

That seemed to do the trick. Erwin could feel Levi tighten around him. He called out his lover’s name, “Levi!” His hips surged forward. “Unngh, I want to use you to make my cock feel so good. I’m going to make sure you take everything I have to give. God there’s so fucking much!” Erwin grimaced from how good it felt to let loose fully, knowing that Levi wanted to see all his enjoyment of the act painted on his face. “I want you to scream when you feel me blow my load inside you,”

Levi’s pupils suddenly dilated and he began his tell-tale squirming under Erwin, the unmistakable giveaway that his body was preparing for orgasm. As much of Levi’s arousal seemed to elicit from a psychological place as it did from physically within him. And that was fine by Erwin, so long as he was the one doing the eliciting.

A shiver ran through Erwin’s body as he imagined how his cock must look inside Levi; the glans being tightly squeezed and milked, the base held in Levi’s vice-like grip, “I love being inside you Levi, becoming part of you.”

Under him, pleasure rippled through Levi’s body at his words and the man gazed up at him with piercing intensity. Erwin put his mouth to Levi’s ear, “I love how wet you are inside when you are filled with my seed Levi. After I’m done pumping you full, I’m going to hold your legs apart and watch it drip out of you.”

And that was all it took. Levi arched against him, and shook and jerked silently beneath him. The quaking passage around him was unbearably tight, and Erwin had to press his hips down against Levi as hard as he could to prevent himself being pushed out. Continuing to grind up against Levi’s prostate, he let the other man ride out his orgasm, then once he felt the hot spurt of Levi’s come on his stomach, Erwin resumed his measured thrusts. Excited at his partner’s pleasure, Erwin gave three more full body thrusts and felt the pressure in his groin build and tip over the edge.

“I love you!” Erwin roared out the words as his hips continued to strive forward, staring into Levi’s hungry eyes as he said it. As he bellowed, he felt a throb and his essence poured into the man under him. All the while, Levi had the face of a man who had never been more pleased with anything in his life. As soon as the words left Erwin’s mouth, Levi pulled his head down into a tongue kiss while he continued to pump into the tightness surrounding him.

“I love you,” Levi breathed against his mouth as he dragged a hand through the blonde hair flopping down over Erwin's face, staring straight into his eyes. The words forced an extra jet of cum from Erwin, this one almost painful in the strength of the contraction behind it. Their mouths were so close, their breaths mingling together in delicious alchemy.

Levi panted under him as his orgasm finally began to ebb, body slackening and head sagging back onto the pillow. Frantically, Erwin kissed from one nipple up to Levi’s neck, then mashed their mouths together.

They remained together as one, heart beats synchronising and staring into each other’s eyes. Something momentous had just happened. And there was no going back.

“That was-“ Levi started to speak but stopped. His eyebrows furrowed, unsure how to finish.

“I know.” Was all Erwin could reply, stunned to see his own reflection in the grey irises gazing back at him. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope that wasn't too introspective for everyone. In any case, the next chapter will take an equal age if not more to write, but there will be lot less angst because I can't take the feels anymore!


	19. Geteilter Schmerz ist halber Schmerz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Voleyn for beta-ing my work! You are an artist! And incredibly observant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I will do an expedition chapter soon for those of you who prefer action to all the fluffy domestic stuff.
> 
> I've been loving all your comments; work is shit at the moment with COVID ICU so it's a real joy just to know you guys are enjoying this random nonsense that I'm spewing at you. I've also just got a copy of ACWNR colour manga which is beautiful and I highly recommend it to eruri fans.
> 
> Big thanks to Photogiraffe77 as usual for pre-reading this and reassuring me it's not too weird. And yet I can't help but feel it is a little weird. But medical kinks are my thing so I guess ya'll gonna have to put up with it!
> 
> Anyway, on with the story!

Thumbing idly through his inbox during one of his administrative days, Erwin’s eyes narrowed as he noticed a letter addressed to his Captain. Instantly recognizing the quality of the paper and the design of the seal, he set it aside to show Levi later.

When said man appeared late that evening freshly showered from a hard day’s training and carrying his customary tray of tea, Erwin decided it was time for a well-deserved break.

Erwin slid the letter across to Levi once he’d taken his seat.

The dark-haired man raised one of his fine eyebrows. “What, I have mail?”

“Yes. And judging from who I think has sent it, I presume you are to be decorated.”

“Decorated?” Running a finger under the heavy wax seal, Levi opened the letter and pulled out an expensive-looking piece of paper.

Erwin sipped at his tea, waiting for Levi’s reaction. Despite Levi’s uncanny ability to suppress visible emotion on his face, Erwin knew him well enough now to detect the micro-expressions around his eyes, which revealed his inner confusion and then surprise as Levi read the letter.

His eyes rose to meet Erwin’s. “Huh. I’ve won an award?”

“You definitely deserve it.”

Levi held onto the letter, re-reading it. “For one hundred solo Titan kills.” He glanced up at Erwin. “How many have you killed?”

“Solo?” He leaned back in his chair. “About twenty, but you know my strategy is to not engage wherever possible.”

“So reaching a hundred is a big deal then?”

Erwin nearly choked on his mouthful of tea.

Levi glared at him. “Not even you will be wholly forgiven if you dare drop my nice fucking china.”

Taking the threat seriously, Erwin set the cup gingerly back on its plate. “Levi, no one has _ever_ made a hundred solo kills. Ever. Most don’t even get decorated as a veteran, let alone based on kill count.”

“So what’s that medal on your dress uniform?”

“It’s for years of service,” Erwin answered, getting up and striding to the wardrobe. “Including the Training Corps, I now have nearly twenty years in the military, believe it or not.” He pulled out the jacket and unpinned the polished silver medal from the front, handing it to Levi. “That one is for ten years. I had a bronze one for five. In a few months, I’ll be due a gold one.”

Levi inspected the medal, turning it in his fingers. Then he put it in between his teeth and bit down.

“Hmmm. I think it’s real.” He ran his finger around the image on the medal. “What do you get for a hundred titans?”

“I guess we’ll see. We’ll need to head to the tailors and order you your own set of dress uniform.”

Looking down at himself, Levi shook his head. “No thanks. I’ll just wear this.”

“Levi, you will be a decorated officer. You need a dress uniform.”

“Need is a strong word. I’m not wasting my money on that.”

Erwin sighed. Technically, Levi was still a corporal, despite the honorific title. It probably was unreasonable to expect a soldier on a corporal’s pittance of a salary to fork out money on an expensive ceremonial uniform.

“You will get use out of it. Shadis wants both you and Mike to accompany us to the next fundraiser. I’ll apply for a grant for you to buy a set.”

“Why does he want all of us going?”

“So you can regale everyone with tales of your heroic deeds,” Erwin winked at Levi, “and enchant the ladies.”

“Eugh.” Removing his own jacket and hanging it up in the wardrobe, Levi asked, “So, when do I get my shiny medal then?”

“At the Armed Forces day in spring. It’s a day where all three branches of the corps meet and showcase their skills. There are competitions and awards handed out. But really, it’s just a big social event.”

Taking his seat again and shuffling it forward to the edge of the desk, Levi lifted a stack of reports and moved an inkwell close to himself. Erwin shifted uncomfortably, unsure how Levi would take the other news he had to impart.

“And guess what?” 

“What?” Levi didn’t look up, but started to summarise figures from one rather poorly-written report.

“I’m getting my own personal assistant.”

That caused his dark head to swing up. “Are you replacing me?”

Erwin tilted his head, unsurprised by the response. “It’s merely my prerogative as second-in-command to have an aide, an official one. I could never replace you.”

“You’re fucking right. I’m amazing and you are lucky to have me.” A surly expression had settled on the young man’s face. “I bet _they’re_ gonna get paid for it.”

“I pay you-”

“No you fucking don’t, I’ve never seen any-”

“-in sexual favours.”

Levi gave a small, amused sneer. “Well, your _new_ assistant better not get the same privileges as me.”

“Of course not. I don’t think I have the energy.”

“I would hope that’s not the only reason, Erwin. Who is it? I hope they’re fucking hideous to look at.”

“Fritz Eppler.”

Groaning, Levi tilted his head back. “That poncy pretty-boy? Does that at least mean he’s coming off the field? He’s a fucking liability, and I wouldn’t trust the guy as far as I could throw him. Besides, what is _he_ gonna help you with that _I_ don’t already do?”

“Well, nothing. But he will help take some of the burdens off you.”

“ _You’re_ a fucking burden,” Levi scowled at him across the table.

“I know.”

“Did you choose him yourself?”

He nodded at the scowling man. “I was given three candidates to pick from and I felt he would be the best fit.”

“You’re wrong.”

Erwin had to admit, Levi was generally a very good judge of character. “Perhaps I should have run it past you first and we could have come to an agreement on who was best, but now that I’ve chosen him, please give him a chance. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll get someone else.”

Looking slightly mollified, Levi nodded. “Fine.”

Erwin had one more piece of news, although he was feeling rather unwilling to impart it now that Levi was actually here and now in somewhat of a mood. He tried to sound unaffected as he spoke, “Also, I’ve secured you your own living quarters.”

Mouth agape, Levi stuttered out, “So you have a new assistant, _and_ you’re moving me out?”

How did he know that the younger man was going to react this way? Setting down his pen, Erwin sighed and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Levi, I’m not ‘moving you out.’ You’re always welcome here.”

“Hmmppff, sure, whatever.” Grey eyes stared him down, sneering, “Is _he_ moving in here? I must remember to warn him about your dreadful snoring and insistence on cuddling all fucking night long.”

Shaking his head at his lover’s childish jealousy, Erwin replied, “No, of course Eppler isn’t moving in. Besides, I don’t expect you to actually use your room unless you want some privacy or peace from me.”

Levi’s posture spoke uncertainty at the whole affair. “Is it as fancy as what you have here?”

“No, it’s just a room with a desk and a bed, but it’s more than most get.”

“Well, I guess at least now I won’t have to sneak off at dawn and climb back under Gelgar every day.”

“That’s upsettingly phrased, Levi.”

To keep up the pretense that Levi was still sleeping in the men’s dorms, he had been quietly climbing back into the bunks before dawn so that when he ‘woke up,’ the men assumed he’d come to bed late as normal. It was well-known that Levi hardly slept and that he assisted with paperwork or cleaning most nights; no one questioned what Levi was doing up so late every day. Erwin had applied for him to have his own quarters shortly after Levi had been shot, hoping that in some small way it would make up for the injury he’d suffered on Erwin’s behalf. At the time, the blonde hadn’t considered that there would come a point where they would become so close that Erwin would consider his own quarters to be _their_ shared rooms, and that without Levi, they were a sad and lonely place to be.

 _Levi probably won’t use his room much_ , Erwin tried to reassure himself. _He likes it here with me._

~~~~

Fritz Eppler.

Fritz fucking Eppler.

“Thank you Fritz,” Erwin said with a smile, handing the man some letters to be sealed and sent.

“ _Thank you Fritz_ ,” Levi echoed sarcastically, causing the poor man to cower in fright.

Since arriving after dinner to help Erwin finish some work, Levi had struggled to accomplish much, as instead he had tracked the new aide as he ponced all around the room doing his small secretarial jobs. A sour expression that Levi was totally unable to hide plastered itself across his face as he watched Fritz with pure hatred in his eyes. This man got his hackles up. And Erwin just let him be alone with his documents and mail. Not to mention, he was tall, good looking, and pretended to be way too fucking friendly.

“Be nice, Levi.” Erwin dipped the nib of his pen into the ink. “Don’t be jealous. You’re making him nervous.”

“Tccch, I’m not jealous.” Levi took out his knife and cut one of the fresh swan quills down into a new pen. “By the way, this new paper is absolute dog shit. It absorbs too much ink too quickly and is far too rough. It’s taking me longer than normal to write and it’s dulling my nibs too quickly.”

“Oh no. Not your nibs.”

Levi looked up at him. “Shut up.”

“Do you want a break?” Erwin stood, indicating that he was taking one regardless. It was most unlike him. “We can go and check out your new room?”

Finishing making his pen, Levi considered the suggestion. It would mean time away from Eppler, at least. “Alright. Then we can make some tea.”

~~~~

The room wasn’t half bad. It had a nice view over the countryside, was in a quiet wing of the HQ and Levi was certain he could climb out of the window and make it to Erwin’s rooms across and over the rooftop. It would make their secret rendezvous a lot easier.

It needed a thorough clean; dust had accumulated on almost every surface, indicating it had not been occupied in quite some time. Erwin was also inspecting the furniture, and had taken a seat on the bed, bouncing slightly to test the give of the mattress. Then he flashed Levi a 'not-so-innocent' smile. “This bed is screaming to be christened.”

“Maybe you should ask your new personal assistant,” Levi suggested snidely. “I’m sure he’d be delighted to help you with that. I’ll go now and fetch him, then give you both some privacy.”

“Le-eeeevi-iiii,” he pulled the sulking man into his embrace, forcing him to straddle Erwin’s broader thighs.

“Erwin-” he started, but he was silenced with a glance and the blonde slid his hand inside his shirt. A palm pressed to his chest and hot fingers began playing with his nipples.

''We are not-'' But he was quieted again when Erwin grinned and pressed a sloppy kiss to his neck. A wet kiss and light suction that warned him if he didn't stop objecting, that the older man was more than willing to give him a very difficult to hide and explain hickey. So Levi just sighed. ''We haven’t even changed the sheets yet.''

“We can do that after we’ve gotten the old ones messy.”

“Fine.” Levi frowned as he lost the battle and knew it was over. He dropped his own hands to his pants and ignored the smirking look of victory on his lover’s face as he unbuttoned them and leaned forward, causing Erwin to fall backwards onto the bed. Remaining propped up on one elbow, Erwin attempted to help push his pants down.

“Face-to-face.”

“Hmmm?” Erwin hummed as he flipped them over so he could get to work pulling off the rest of Levi’s uniform.

“I want us face-to-face.”

“Fine by me.” As he undressed, Erwin fished in his jacket pocket and then flung the item of clothing over the back of the chair. Blondie grinned at him and waggled a small bottle of oil in front of Levi.

He raised an eyebrow at the blonde. “You came prepared, huh? Assumed you were going to get lucky?”

Erwin toed off his boots and removed the rest of his own clothes. “I was hoping to win you around to the idea.”

Now they were both naked, Erwin manoeuvred Levi so he was lying length-ways on the bed, holding his narrow hips aloft with one hand and handing him the oil with the other so his huge fingers could properly anointed and this whole process could be sped up a bit.  
  
Levi grabbed the bottle and glared at Erwin, and ignored the pleased look on his lover’s face as he pulled his legs up out of the way and gave Erwin the room he needed to put that oil to use. He bit the insides of his cheeks to keep himself from making any noise as long, hot fingers pushed into him and immediately found their mark. Levi shivered at the pressure; slow at first, steady, paced.

“You know,” Erwin was clearly in the mood for conversing during sex today, “you should be able to come a few times this way. There isn’t a refractory period the same way as there is when you come normally.”

Struggling to multi-task Levi managed a reply through clenched teeth, “Difficult once you’re done too though.”

“I was thinking you could come once with my fingers, then again with me inside you?”

Feeling rather under pressure now, Levi shifted his hips to better press against Erwin’s large fingertips. “Rub them up and down as well.”

“Like this?”

“F-fuck,” Levi stuttered, and pumped his body back against the digits. “Yeah, like that.”

“Anything else?”

“Add another finger.”

With four thick fingers now inside him, the stretch seemed to amplify the pleasure radiating from where Erwin was relentlessly massaging him deep inside. When he then began sucking and licking Levi’s nipples, electric shocks shot straight down his body to his ass. The left one was particularly sensitive and Erwin was quick to pick up on this new information, attacking it with gusto.

“Relax, Levi. Stop tensing up around me.”

“Can’t,” Levi strained out the word, feeling as if his head were about to explode from bearing down so hard against his air-filled lungs. It was entirely involuntary, and he couldn’t have relaxed if he’d tried. Whatever it was inside him felt as if it were swelling, and the euphoria Erwin’s fingers were creating built to an almost unbearable level. “Coming,” he rasped through clenched teeth.

Finally, his body relented and allowed him to breathe out as he came, but failed to permit another breath to be inhaled in its place. As he squeezed hard and pushed down around Erwin’s fingers, Levi could feel his face contort into a mask of pleasure.

 _This can’t be a good look_ , he thought as he felt his forehead and the corners of his eyes wrinkle, teeth bared and snarling as he bucked and writhed on his back. But when he next managed to open his eyes during a trough in a particularly strong series of pleasurable waves, Erwin was staring creepily down at him, looking remarkably pleased. From the look on his face, one would have presumed that Erwin had been the one currently getting off, not him.

Levi’s eyes shut as the wave began to crest again and he tried to gyrate down on those strong fingers, but eventually he began to tire and feel overstimulated. His lungs ached for air and his vision had started to swim.

“Enough,” Levi rasped, needing his climax to end and take some proper breaths before he passed out.

But Erwin didn’t capitulate until his grey eyes began to roll into the back of his head and Levi was certain he was actually going to go unconscious. Once the digits were removed from him he could at last breathe normally again, albeit it probably looked as if he had just run a marathon, rather than merely lay on a bed and gotten finger-fucked on his back.

“Fuck-fuck you,” Levi panted without any real malice.

Grinning widely, Erwin leaned down and nipped the skin at the side of Levi’s neck with his teeth. “You’re welcome. Do you need a break?”

Slumping back against the mattress, Levi stared disbelievingly at him, “Abso-fucking-lutely. You can’t seriously think I can do that again?”

“You can and you will.”

Erwin reached over and grasped the bottle of oil again to coat himself. He shuffled forward and grabbed Levi under one knee, pushing it to his chest and exposing him. With his other hand he positioned himself, pushed his weight down through his hips, and sank right in.

“God,” he swore, surprised at how relaxed Levi was.

“Fuck,” Levi hissed at the sudden fullness, though it wasn’t unpleasant in the slightest, “you absolute stallion. How big _is_ your cock?”

“This big.” Blondie gyrated his pelvis, moving the hardness inside Levi in a full 360-degree circle.

Levi felt so fucking full that once again it was difficult to breathe deeply; the rotatory movement of Erwin’s erection within him brushed against his prostate, which was already in an excitable state from their earlier foreplay.

“Gah!”

“See?” The older man looked down at him smugly. “I told you it would be up for more.”

Levi palmed his own cock. “I was hoping to come this way too, but it won’t get hard.”

Trying his own hand at coaxing an erection from Levi, Erwin spat in his hand and gave a few firm strokes, “I can suck you off afterwards if you still want it, but I don’t think you’re likely to get hard with me inside you when you're on your back after you’ve already come once unless you tense yourself up, but then it’ll make what I'm doing less fun for you." He pushed a few of Levi's wayward bangs back from where they stuck to his high forehead and grinned, "Don’t fret about it; only one of us needs to be hard, and that’s me.” And with that Erwin gave a thrust to make his point.

A shock of tingling pleasure shot to the tips of Levi’s fingers and toes at the pressure against his sweet spot. “Urrgh, deal. Alright big guy, bring it on.”

Tilting his head back to invite Erwin to begin, Levi let out a sigh as he felt the glorious slide and stretch as he was breached over and over by that beautiful cock. After a few thrusts Erwin buried himself deeply and began grinding upwards, crushing his pubic bone against the skin just under Levi’s balls. It felt fucking amazing and Levi had to close his eyes to shut off excess stimulation just so he could focus more fully on the pressure building inside him. Erwin’s hot mouth descended on his Adam’s apple and moved up his extended neck to Levi’s earlobe and sucked.

“See, I can touch you from the outside at the same time if I do it right,” came an amused voice in his ear. “It feels good when I fuck you, doesn’t it? I bet you can’t even begin to think about Mike.”

Huffing out a breath and now having to try to get the image of the big-nosed, shaggy blonde out of his head, Levi sneered. “Huh, well I am now, you moron.”

Levi had something on his mind that he hadn’t felt able to bring up earlier with Fritz mincing around the office. Something told him that during sex might be a good time to mention it. He waited until Erwin was nearly undone, then once he sensed a change in the speed and depth of Erwin’s grinding and observed a splotchy red flush spreading from the bigger man’s chest up to his face, Levi locked his legs together tightly around Erwin’s hips and pulled him flush to his own body, preventing him moving a single inch.

“Uhhnn,” Erwin rocked against him, and opened his eyes to look at him with confusion. “Levi? I’m so close, what are you-?”

“I want more initiative in the field.”

Erwin panted, eyes wide. “What? You’re asking this of me now?”

Levi shrugged whilst maintaining a wanton stare. “I figured it was as good a time as any. You know I’m the best out there. Let me make my own decisions while keeping in mind the formation and where everyone is at any one time; I’ll take orders and answer only to you.”

Rotating his hips, Erwin’s face screwed up as if he were in pain as he tried desperately to get some stimulation. “Are you not going to let me finish if I say no?”

Levi snorted. “I’m not that cruel. I just wanted your full attention.”

“This isn’t the kind of decision I can make when I’m this close to coming.”

“That’s not good enough. I want you tell me you will give it some thought.” Levi squeezed his pelvic floor around Erwin and drew a long groan from him. “What’s it gonna be, stud?”

“I promise I’ll think about it, AFTER we finish,” his tone was sincere.

“Good enough.” Levi let up his vice-like grip and loosely wrapped his legs up around Erwin’s torso.

Erwin’s eyes flashed darkly. “You’re going to pay for that little stunt, Levi.”

“Oh really?” Deepening his own voice, Levi taunted back, “Show me.”

Yanking Levi’s head to the side by his hair, Erwin left a sloppy trail with his tongue up along the cords of Levi’s neck, tasting the sweat that had started beading from overheating ever since becoming trapped between the bigger man’s furnace-like body and the mattress. The aggression excited Levi, and the action swept him away on a great tide of pleasure. What rapture it was to surrender himself to the man he desired. Erwin’s body was demanding, insisting, taking possession of him. Levi gave himself up to him. Last time, sex had been an intensely emotional experience, but now Erwin was back in command of himself and his mastery thrilled Levi.

However, today he wanted more than to just be ground into; Levi tried to pump his hips back against Erwin but got a smack on the ass for trying to take control.

Levi yelped, “Hey, knock it off, or I’ll think about Mike again.”

That earned him a rough thrust that took his breath, (and any thoughts he had about any other man) away. However, that terrible sense of needing to take a giant piss had begun to build, similar to how he’d felt the first time Erwin had fingered him and it caused Levi to panic.

“Oh shit, Erwin, I’m gonna soak everything.”

“No you won’t, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine, stop.”

Erwin groaned and pulled out carefully, launching off the bed and darting to the wardrobe to see if there were any towels. He flung out a couple of sheets and then (thankfully) found an old grey towel. Behind him, Levi quickly relieved himself in a chamber pot in the corner of the room before heading back to lie on the bed. Levi lifted his hips to allow the towel to be spread beneath him, then Erwin draped himself back over him, sinking in again and resuming where they’d left off.

As his second orgasm approached, Levi’s heart began to thump hard against the inside of his chest in a way he’d never experienced during sex before. His breath hitched as he began to tense up again. Pulling Erwin down, Levi’s lips found purchase against the angle of his strong jaw, inhaling the faint lingering scent of his cologne. Annoyingly, the feeling of needing to piss hadn’t dissipated, but he was confident that his bladder was definitely empty now, so he decided to trust Erwin and just go with it.

"That's it, Levi," was cooed gently in his ear, a complete contrast to the rough treatment the other end of him was receiving. "Focus on taking my cock and let go." 

Limbs and head taking on a sudden heaviness, Levi could only nod and shut his eyes, trying to follow the command. 

One final long rub against his prostate and a rushing warmth enveloped him, radiating from his bladder to all four limbs, this orgasm even stronger than the first one earlier.

"Fuck, Erwi-nghh! GgNnhHaaa!" 

An almost continuous stream (of what he sincerely hoped wasn’t piss) shot forcefully out of Levi’s soft cock as it bounced between their bodies, his ass clenching and slackening around the unbelievably hard erection pummelling him. Almost as embarrassing as the amount of spunk flying out of him were the noises he made during this weird orgasm. High-pitched pants and vowel-sounds let themselves loose involuntarily from his tongue, and he was practically squealing Erwin’s name on repeat.

He was glad for the towel when his lucidity returned, as he had managed to soak them both in clear and slightly viscous fluid. Erwin loomed large over him looking thoroughly fucked out, panting hard; thighs, chest and abdomen dripping wet.

“I told you I was going to piss myself,” Levi growled as his chest heaved for air, annoyed at himself and reaching for the corner of the towel to wipe his chest and stomach dry. “I thought I’d gotten it all out.”

Stopping him from drying himself off, Blondie shook his head vehemently as he tried to catch his own breath, grinning maniacally down at him as if he had just been privy to something truly special, “No, it’s not urine. Squirting is different. It’s good." His smile grew even creepier as his eyes raked up and down their bodies, "You did so good, Levi.”

“What, you like this?” Levi gestured at the wetness covering then both. 

Erwin almost purred as he spoke. His voice had an exhaltant, prideful tone, and it was clear that he was indeed very proud of himself for whatever it was he had just made Levi's body do, “I more than just like it; I love that I’ve made you squirt. Fucking hell, Levi." Erwin shook his head in amazement. "Goddamn, you were made to take it from me, weren't you? Good boy.” And bending down he rewarded him with a kiss. 

Eyes wide and flushing red from the praise, Levi's head wasn't sure if it wanted to nod or shake, “I don’t even know what squirting is. Did you come too?”

“Yeah, I did. Hard. Fuck, you were great." Pulling out gently, Erwin looked down to inspect his handiwork, rubbing a wet finger and thumb to together to test the stickiness of whatever it was that had been expelled from his body. "Squirting is like cumming, but a bit different. I'd heard about it, but never seen a man do it before. I don’t really know what it is, either.” Erwin raised an eyebrow as he sucked the wetness off his fingers. “Do you still want me to suck you off?”

Looking down at his flaccid penis, Levi shook his head. “I think the tank is empty. I’m not sure it’s capable of doing anything right now.” 

Erwin spent a long while happily looking down at the mess between them, putting himself back inside for a while and giving a few gentle thrusts. He made some rather endearing humming noises, and seemed especially cuddly, even for him. 

After a bit of time nuzzling and growing soft inside him, Erwin disengaged them and allowed the weird bodily fluids to be wiped away. Content and making more happy noises, he rolled onto his side and snuck an arm under Levi’s neck. They lay side by side for a while, until Levi rolled over, throwing one leg across Erwin’s stomach and settling his dark head in the soft crook of a big shoulder.

He could sleep. It was odd, really; he found the process of sex mentally and physically exhausting in a way that was incongruous with his abilities elsewhere in life. Maybe it was just that Erwin was too damn comfortable to cuddle with. Whatever the reason, Levi had no plans to move anytime soon and nestled closer into the other man’s warmth.

~~~~

As Levi snuggled in closer to him, Erwin smiled and brought a hand up to stroke along the line of his pert little nose. “You look so young, Levi. Maybe I need to start copying your skincare regime.”

Shaking his head, Levi yawned. “You really don’t need to. I like the way you look.”

“You don’t mind that I’m nearly a decade older than you?”

“No, it turns me on. Besides, it’s not like you look old and I prefer to think of you as having wonderfully seasoned masculine features.”

Pleased that Levi saw him that way, Erwin grinned. “That _is_ a good way of putting it. Still, I would have loved for you to have seen me at your age.”

“I would have been a teenager back when you were twenty-six, and I think you would have found me impossible to like. Seventeen-year-old me was a whirlwind of questionable choices and poor behaviour.” Levi raked his eyes up and down Erwin’s form and wrapped a hand around his lover’s still semi-hard cock, “Though now that I think about it, maybe nothing’s really changed.”

“Hey!” Erwin tapped him lightly on the butt in retribution. “I’d like to think I’m one of your better life choices.”

Levi hummed, “Which bit exactly would you describe as my best choice? The time when I allowed the soldier who I was supposed to kill to fuck me instead? Or perhaps the part where I stupidly fell in love with him? And he’s a soldier who, may I remind you, wants to take down the government and who frequently drags me out of the safety of the Walls to fight giant man-eating monsters with him?”

Erwin crooned in his ear, “You love it.”

“Yeah,” Levi admitted, “I guess I do. Part of me can’t wait to get out there again. The other more sensible part dreads it. I always wonder who will we lose this time, and for what purpose?” He looked up at Erwin. “What _is_ the next mission for anyway?”

“Supply chain restocking. We’ll be heading to one of the more distant bases. It’ll be the longest expedition you’ll have experienced yet - three weeks approximately to get the 200 miles there and back again with the carts fully-laden.” Erwin reached a hand out and made an imaginary line in the air. “The plan is to have a whole chain of bases stretching out as far as possible, and perhaps one day we will go so far as to find where the Titans are originating from. Only then can we really think about defeating them for good.” He glanced down at Levi. “So you want independence from the main formation?”

Nodding, Levi propped his forearms up onto the broad chest to look directly down into Erwin’s face. “Essentially. I’m not going to gallivant off and kill Titans unnecessarily if that’s what you’re worried about. Think of me as an external agent who can take orders when required, but in general I’ll go where I think I’m most needed.” He gave a cheeky smirk. “Or you could give me my own squad?”

Erwin huffed out a laugh. “One step at a time, Levi.”

At that, Levi flopped back down beside him. Erwin took Levi’s right hand in his left, lacing their fingers together and placing their hands down over his own chest. They lay together in comfortable silence, listening to the birds outside singing goodnight to the sun. Then after a while, Erwin felt Levi’s thumb pushing insistently against his own, inviting him to battle. Smirking, he engaged in several epic thumb wars and managed to lose every time. He laughed out loud at the unexpected playfulness, and the fact that even in Levi’s digital strength he was matchless. Against his chest he could feel Levi’s lips curl into his own smug smile.

With no fire in the room, the air began to rapidly chill as the sun set outside. Hooking his foot around the blanket that had been kicked to the bottom of the bed, Erwin pulled it up and over them both as their sweat started to evaporate and cool them both down even further.

It was comfortable on the wooden bed, but Erwin itched to get back to his own quarters and finish off the work he had left undone. He nudged the figure now dozing gently against him. “Do you want to sleep here, Levi?”

Despite looking halfway to sleep already, Levi gave a deep sigh and groaned, “I probably shouldn’t. The sheets need changed, the whole place needs a deep clean and there’s no firewood. Besides, I’m on sentry tonight.”

“I didn’t know. You should have said. I’ve tired you out for it.”

Levi shook his head. “It’s fine. I’ll sleep well tomorrow night. Besides, I want to start cleaning in here and get some firewood in before duty tonight.”

“Can’t it wait till tomorrow?”

Levi gave him a disgusted look and rose to standing off the bed, using the towel to clean Erwin’s semen from his body before throwing it at him.

Erwin raised his hands defensively and caught it before it hit his face. “Forget I asked!”

~~~~

“ _Advance_!!” The booming command carried far across the battlefield. Erwin was atop his horse and able to see where his fellow soldiers were.

The regiment was in shambles.

Not one soldier was in formation.

And he couldn’t remember which direction the wall was in.

Disorientated, Erwin tried to rally those around him into formation. He spurred Chisholm on, only to find the horse was spooked and unwilling to obey. With a crash, he found himself unseated when the white horse reared up on its strong hind legs, before it galloped off into the distance, leaving Erwin stranded.

In the near-distance, Levi was riding towards a particularly ugly Titan with long, sharp teeth. He pounced from his saddle but before he could pull out his swords, the Titan had grabbed him and brought Levi to its salivating mouth. With one hideously audible _chomp,_ Levi’s lower half was bitten off and the remainder of him tossed to the ground.

 _“Noooooo!!!!”_ Erwin’s legs moved sluggishly under him, as if he were wading through thick mud up to his thighs. He had to get to Levi. He couldn’t die, not like this. It couldn’t be possible, not him.

Dropping to his knees beside the still head and torso, Erwin gently traced Levi’s eyebrows and cheeks. Hot tears streamed down Erwin’s face, dripping off his chin to stain Levi’s cravat and cloak.

“Open your eyes,” he tried commanding him to awaken. “Say you’re alright.” Erwin picked the still-warm body up into his arms and cradled it against himself, trying to commit the feel and scent of this beloved man to memory before he lost him forever.

~~~~

With a jerk, Erwin awoke in bed, tears still pouring from his eyes. He looked down, and in his arms was the cushion Levi liked to rest his head on when he slept in the armchair at night; Erwin had grabbed it earlier before retiring into bed. Levi was scheduled for sentry tonight and would only finish at the ungodly early hour of four o’clock in the morning.

It had only been a dream. He was at home. Erwin allowed himself to be soothed by the faint scent of his lover lingering on the cushion in his arms, stroking the soft fabric with his fingertips as he reoriented himself and calmed down.

He turned his head towards the curtains pulled over the window. It was still dark outside. Squinting at his clock, Erwin saw it was a quarter to five. Levi should be back in the main building by now.

Feeling shaken by the dream, Erwin decided to get out of bed and see if Levi wanted any company. His dark-haired companion didn’t tend to sleep after sentry nights at all, and instead would often be found reading or cleaning somewhere after his shift was done. On this occasion, he might be finishing off cleaning his new room.

Erwin fixed his hair and brushed his teeth, then went to pull on his uniform. His clothes were all neatly folded in the drawer; even his socks and underwear were packed in orderly lines like little soldiers. Before putting his shirt on, he inspected the underarm where Levi had fixed the hole that had appeared through overuse. It was as good as new. He held the shirt up to his nose and inhaled. The pristine collar and cuffs had been starched, carefully ironed, and hung in the wardrobe. Starching was something he would not have normally bothered with himself, but Levi was meticulous when it came to caring for their laundry.

When it came to caring for him.

Erwin looked around the room, taking care to see everything in it as if it were for the first time. His neatly stacked books, the wax on his desk surface, and the pile of freshly cut firewood by the hearth. When he lifted his tobacco tin, it had been refilled. Sliding open the top desk drawer revealed a spare match box, and his inkwell was full. Even their slippers sat poised together by the bed, and Erwin’s boots were polished and contained their shoe stretchers so they wouldn’t shrink if they got wet.

Opening the bathroom door, he noticed how his man-scaping products had been arranged tidily on the shelf above the sink. There was always a sharp razor available and Erwin couldn’t remember the last time he had run out of any toiletries. Levi’s toothbrush sat alongside his in a little cup.

Hanji’s sarcastic words came back to him. _“Alright, if you insist. We will all just continue pretending that you live together merely as friends.”_

He pondered their words for a while. Maybe he and Levi _were_ living together. If they were, it was certainly an unspoken arrangement; Levi had never officially moved in as such. But based on how Levi had reacted the previous week when informed he was to have his own living quarters, it would suggest that _he_ at least thought they were.

Feeling peculiarly emotional, he checked his appearance one last time in the mirror and went to search for Levi.

~~~~

The fire crackled bright and cheerful in his hearth. Happy in his warm (and now clean) room, Levi was sitting with a pot of tea and his favourite cup. He was making small notes in a book of poems Erwin had bought for him a while back. Although his verbal reasoning could be poor in terms of communicating directly with people, Levi had become better at being able to document his thoughts since becoming literate. The plan was to one day write an actual poem or story himself. In the meantime, Levi decided the best place to learn was from those who had managed to get their work published. In particular, he enjoyed the war poems. They were relatable. Little meditations in ink.

But his favourite were the love poems. And the sappier the better.

Not that anyone would _ever_ find out.

He paused, putting the end of his pen in his mouth. He had already lost his pencil somewhere among the mass of paper littering the table. Each page was an attempt to start his own masterpiece. The work would start clearly enough but would often descend into mayhem; words and grammar would fail to describe exactly what he was thinking, and on re-reading the work again, Levi would get frustrated and toss it aside.

Despite finding it tricky to pen a poem, Levi had found immense pleasure from learning to read and write; something he would be eternally grateful to Erwin for. To Levi, the pen and written word had once represented the gulf between himself and the piggish rich and learned elite. Now it was the key to unlocking a world of wisdom; it was the essence of intelligence and when he wrote it felt almost like a spiritual act. Books were no longer the preserve of the wealthy, nor were they mysterious and uncomprehendable. They were annexes littered with thoughts, and he wanted to consume them all. Levi could hardly remember anymore what it was like to be illiterate; he certainly felt more civilised now.

He had a vague idea for a poem; something about fresh sheets, hot tea, a warm embrace in strong arms, freedom viewed with eyes as blue as the sky, the sound of familiar footsteps…….

So engrossed was he in trying to commit his thoughts to paper that he didn’t notice someone at the door until they turned the handle and let themselves in.

~~~

“Levi?”

He had been so sure Levi was going to be awake and would hear his approach. When he saw the light flooding out gently around his door frame, Erwin felt an overriding urge to get in the room and clap eyes on his companion as fast as he could.

He was surprised, therefore, to have caught Levi off guard, boots off, shirt unbuttoned, and cravat untied. The smaller man gave an unmanly squawk and leapt up from where his legs were crossed under him on his chair. A pencil was tucked over his right ear.

“Erwin?” Then Levi went a little pink and turned and began to swiftly feed the crumpled papers that littered his desk into the fire. “What are you doing up at this hour?”

Feeling as if he had intruded on something private, Erwin made to take a step back out into the corridor and shut the door.

Levi stopped him. “Where are you going?”

“Ah, you look… busy….”

“I’m really not. Come in.” Levi looked at him critically. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Uh-huh.” They stood looking at each other in silence for a moment. “Look, I only have one chair in here. I’ll make a fresh pot of tea and bring it to you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’ll see you in fifteen minutes.”

~~~~

Erwin was behaving oddly. Levi couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but he decided to take pity on him and make the decision to return them both to Erwin’s quarters.

“You have pen on your face.” Erwin licked his thumb and wiped Levi’s right cheek.

“Eww, gross, Erwin.”

“And a pencil here.” The older man lifted the pencil from where Levi had tucked it behind his ear and then completely forgotten about it.

Levi took the pencil. “I wondered where that went.”

While waiting for the tea to brew, Levi walked over to the window and pulled the curtains open. Arms crossing again, Levi stared up and out at the stars still twinkling though it would soon be dawn. Unexpectedly, he felt a warm weight on the crown of his head and a pair of arms wrapped themselves around him. Erwin was resting his chin on Levi’s head and embracing him firmly from behind. He could feel the pleased grin on Erwin’s face just from the way his jaw was tensioned.

This clinginess was not normal Erwin behaviour.

Impassively Levi asked, “Okay, tell me what’s wrong.”

“Can’t I just be pleased you’re home?”

Levi turned his back to the window, forcing Erwin to let go slightly to allow for Levi to twist to face him. He craned his neck to look straight up at Erwin. “Where else would I be?”

“So, you see this-” the blonde gestured around them, “-as your home?”

Levi tilted his chin slightly to one side. “Yes, of course.”

“Right here, I mean. These rooms here?” Erwin was pointing immediately at the floor beneath their feet.

Unsure whether they were playing some sort of odd game, Levi’s arms crossed instinctively, “Yes, I do. Why? Should I not? Does that annoy you?”

“As in, my rooms? You see _this_ as…… as our rooms?”

“I…..uh…..” Levi opened his mouth. Then shut it again. He wasn’t sure if Erwin was expecting there to be a right answer to this. The blonde was looking at him almost pleadingly, his blue eyes wide and hopeful. Perhaps Levi was missing something here. What exactly was Erwin trying to clarify?

“Erwin,” Levi rubbed his face. He was tired and needed a clue as to what the right answer was, “if you need this to be your own space then just say. I have my own room now, so I can-”

“No!” Blondie interrupted him. “I mean, I do want you here. Before you this was just somewhere I slept badly and worked too much-”

“You still work too much,” Levi interjected.

“Maybe,” Erwin chuckled, “but now it doesn’t feel right without you. Also, Hanji says we live together.”

“Yes, that’s probably what it looks like to someone that annoyingly observant.”

“But is it true?” Erwin looked so innocently lost that Levi was taken aback. He’d never seen that expression on the confident man’s face before. The blonde continued, “That we live together, I mean?”

Trying to maintain an earnest expression, Levi said honestly, “It’s true for me. I feel like I’m home when I’m here with you and I’ve always slept better with someone I trust in the room.” He pointed as he continued, “I see this as my chair, and that as our bed.”

Erwin nodded. “So, you want what we have to be an official committed relationship? As a couple?”

Levi tutted. “Tcch, Erwin, is there anything I say or do that speaks to the contrary? After all, I spend all my spare time basically taking care of you. I kiss your face, suck your cock, and let you come inside me all the fucking time. Fuck, I even told you that I love you. What further evidence could you possibly need that I want to continue what we’re doing?”

The blonde dolt picked at his nail cuticles looking rather sheepish. “Well, when you put it like _that_ it does seem rather obvious.”

Shaking his head, Levi sighed, “You are such a moron sometimes.”

In that moment, Erwin looked rather lost. He scratched the back of his head, another nervous habit of his. “If I’m honest, I’ve never had a committed adult relationship like this. The closest I came was as a teenager with another teenager where we talked about marriage, but it was nothing like what we have now. Since then it’s been mostly one-night stands. In that sense, I’m as inexperienced as you when it comes to being one half of a couple.”

“And yet why do I feel like the more mature one in it most of the time?” Levi cocked his head. “Seriously though, we can have intimacy and companionship and still respect each other’s need for some privacy and independence.”

“Yeah. I’m glad we had this talk.” Erwin nodded and gave a relieved smile which then morphed into a lusty grin. He cupped Levi’s ass and pulled their hips together, speaking low in his ear, “Now we’ve officially decided we live together, perhaps we ought to have a little celebration in _our_ bed?”

“Unless you are going to let me plow _your_ ass the answer is no. You fucked me only a few hours ago and I can still feel it.”

Erwin hesitated. “Do you want to?”

But Levi only shook his head. “No, not really. I’m only joking. Besides, you have less than an hour to eat and then get to training, and from what I’ve experienced so far you aren’t the quickie-type.”

“I could demonstrate now?” Blondie suggested in a deep baritone, gyrating his groin against Levi's stomach suggestively.

That earned Erwin an ass slap, and Levi scowled at him. “No. I don’t want to rush it. Maybe later.” Then, feeling a rush of some unnamable emotion, Levi pulled the blonde into an embrace, leaning his head on the broad chest.

“Alright. But I won’t forget that we owe ourselves celebratory sex.” Erwin placed a kiss on top of Levi’s head, causing him to look up and see a conciliatory look on the taller man’s face. “I promise to try harder to keep the place tidier and think about the logistics of sharing a space together, and our lives. I guess I’ve always had the military to look after me, and I’ve never really had to consider doing anything for myself, except to keep my mind and body well-conditioned.”

Face softening, Levi put both hands on Erwin’s chest. “I like doing things for you. It’s my way of showing that I care.” He cocked his head. “But I’m not your wife. I’m not going to do _everything_ for you.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to.” Something appeared to click in Erwin’s pretty head. “Is that why you haven’t liked me having an assistant intruding?”

Levi nodded. “Partly. I worry he’s going through our stuff.” He narrowed his eyes. “My clothes appear as if someone has rifled through them, and then tried to put them back without me noticing. But no one folds clothes as well as me, so I can tell just by looking.”

Concern crossed Erwin’s face. “Are you sure? Maybe it’s just your imagination. I’ve never seen him in our bedroom.”

Levi shrugged. “I’m not completely certain yet. Perhaps I’ll booby-trap the drawer and see if he starts appearing with fewer fingers than before.”

“Levi-”

“I’m kidding.” He rolled his eyes at the gullible blonde. “I know it’s probably just you making a mess as usual. And I wouldn’t want to accidently chop any of your fingers off just because you can’t refold a pair of socks properly.”

Finally, Erwin’s usual personality snapped back into place, and he winked at Levi as they headed for breakfast. “No, you like my fingers too much.”

~~~

That night, Erwin fell into a wonderfully deep sleep, made possible by Levi’s quiet presence back in their quarters.

 _Their_ quarters.

He, Erwin Smith, self-proclaimed eternal bachelor of sorts, had a young, attentive, and gorgeously attractive man who loved him and wanted to share their lives together. Levi had been unabashed in his desire for their companionship to be more than sexual, and despite that side of things definitely being an amazing part of their relationship, Erwin had to admit that the cosy intimacy they shared was really the highlight of their partnership. 

The thought swam around in Erwin’s head as he drifted off, making him smile cheesily into his pillow.

Sometime after midnight, Erwin was awoken by choking noises coming from across the bedroom. The fire was still smouldering, and in its dim light he could just about see Levi making odd movements in his chair. Unsure if this was a seizure or a nightmare, Erwin leapt quickly out of bed and shook the sleeping man.

“Levi!?”

Levi jerked awake, free of the stranglehold his dream had on him, heart hammering the whole of his slight frame to its rhythm.

“Stop!” he roared and pushed at Erwin, toppling them both to the floor and knocking all the air from Erwin’s lungs. Metal glinted in the weak firelight, and suddenly from nowhere a knife was pressed to Erwin’s neck.

“Levi!” Lying in a vulnerable position on his back, Erwin tried to keep his voice steady and calm despite just having been heavily winded. “It’s me, it’s Erwin. You’re safe.”

“Erwin?” Shock registered in Levi’s voice and he reared back, the knife clattering on the floor as it dropped from his hand, “Fuck, sorry. I thought I was-” then he went silent but for his heavy breathing.

Picking himself off the ground, Erwin laid a hand gently on Levi’s shoulder and coaxed him to sit back in his chair. “Troubled sleep?”

“Yeah, fuck,” Levi panted as he returned to reality, gripping the arms of the chair. “I couldn’t breathe.” He was shaking from the adrenaline coursing through him.

“What was happening?”

“Hanging. I was hanging. Fuck,” the younger man pressed his hands hard into his eye sockets. He was still taking great gulping breaths.

“Try and breathe more slowly.” He made to place a reassuring hand on Levi, but the smaller man flinched away.

“Sorry Erwin, I’m jumpy. If you touch me I might attack you without meaning to.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. I can’t, I-” then he went quiet.

Not wanting to leave him alone, Erwin went and opened the window to get a breeze into the room and got Levi some water, convincing him to try and drink it. The glass shook as Levi brought it to his lips, sloshing some of the water onto his already sweat-soaked uniform.

“Can we have more light?”

“Of course.” Erwin lit a few candles from the remainder of the fire, then set to work adding wood and stoking the flames in the hearth.

An hour proceeded to pass with no real de-escalation in Levi’s level of stress. He remained sweaty and was breathing far too fast. It was clear that Levi was terribly distressed; his hands dug into his black hair, tugging so hard Erwin wasn’t surprised to see that some strands were actually pulled out and remained stuck to Levi’s sweaty palms. At several points he went to ritualistically wash his hands and then headed to the open window to lean his upper body out into the cool night air. He looked like a man who couldn’t catch a breath, who was physically starving of and hungry for air.

When Levi sat down for perhaps the tenth time and yet again failed to relax, Erwin decided to act.

“Should I get Hanji? Maybe they have something that might help?”

Levi nodded, his posture remaining stiff and eyes staying glued to the floor as Erwin swiftly dressed without putting on the gear straps and strode out to wake their most brilliant scout.

~~~

“So what is this stuff?” Erwin scrutinised the small pieces of paper after Hanji had joined them both in their quarters with their latest trial solution.

“It’s acid,” Levi stated, eyeing the drug dubiously. “I’ve never tried it,” he clarified defensively as Erwin gave him a judgmental look. “I just know what it is. You stick it under your tongue and trip balls.”

“You don’t want to try and talk about things without taking this,” Erwin waved his hand, “stuff?”

Eyes squeezed shut, Levi shook his head. “I don’t think I - no I can’t. I-” the words were almost choked as they came out, then he gave a distraught breath before going silent and lowering his gaze.

“It’s alright,” Hanji levelled an annoyed look at Erwin. “It’s not easy to talk about these things. This drug is a psychedelic. It shows promise with those who have suffered trauma, and this will all be under controlled circumstances. You won’t be leaving this room, and anyway, this is a low-ish dose.”

Levi looked anxiously between them both. “What are you pair going to do while I’m tripping?”

Pulling out a notebook from their bag, Hanji set up to take notes. “We’ll stay here. So don’t worry. And you haven’t eaten in a while, right?”

“Yeah.” The last thing he wanted was to puke in front of other people if he got too high. “What if I think something is happening to me and I try to attack one of you?”

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Erwin starting to look concerned.

Hanji pulled out a syringe. “I have something that should abort any really bad delusions or agitation.”

Taking a deep breath, Levi sighed. “Alright. Here it goes,” and without waiting to give Erwin a chance to object further, Levi slipped the stamp-sized piece of paper under his tongue. It melted rapidly and he sat in his usual seat and waited, the other two watching him unnervingly closely.

It only took another minute for his jitteriness to stop. Not long after, Levi felt himself slip into a euphoric trance, astonishingly high and disconnected from reality. The whirling knots on the wooden floor appeared to be moving before his eyes, and the walls felt like they were contracting and expanding with each breath he took.

“Holy fuckballs,” he whispered.

“Are you alright?” Erwin’s voice seemed far away.

“Are my arms and legs still attached to me?” It felt like his body had de-segmented and was falling apart.

There was a pause. He could hear Erwin take a breath. “Yes.”

Levi’s eyes swiveled over to Hanji, whose facial features kept shifting across their face. “Have a good trip, Levi!” they shouted gleefully, and their voice echoed repeatedly in his head long after their mouth had stopped moving.

~~~~

“I’m so fucking high, Erwin, and that candle smells really nice.”

Levi was much more talkative with this drug. But he seemed less relaxed; his jaw was tense, and his teeth ground together slowly.

Hanji leaned forward. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About the candle?”

“About anything?”

“You mean the cells?”

“Yes, Levi,” Erwin pressed, elbows on his own knees. “Perhaps if you talk a bit about it then you’ll feel-” Erwin paused. Was ‘better’ really a satisfactory word here? “-well, maybe it will help.”

“It’s a bit of a blur, to be honest.”

“That’s fine, sport. Just talk about the bits you want to.” Pen poised, Hanji was ready to commit everything Levi said and did to paper.

The slight man stared into space as he spoke, “I hated being without my clothes. It was all awful I guess, but especially the water. That was the worst part, I think. It felt like I was drowning, and I didn’t want to struggle against it but when you can’t catch a breath you lose control. I was tied tilted head-down which made it worse. I thought I was going to die every time.”

Erwin’s throat became tight. At a complete loss for words, he looked at Hanji for help, but they merely nodded at him to remain silent for now.

“I’m sure it was awful,” Hanji nodded. “Most people only last about ten seconds during a waterboarding.”

“Not being able to breathe was terrifying. The same with the hanging. I thought my head was going to explode. Or be wrenched off my neck.” He gripped his head tightly, eyes wide as he spoke.

Prompting him to continue, Hanji asked, “You said they did it more than once?”

“Yeah. After I passed out the first time one of them pissed on me to wake me up, and then up I went again. Being pulled up was fucking painful. It hurt taking all my weight through my neck and my head was pounding.”

Levi lifted his hand in front of his face and moved it towards and then away from himself, repeating the movement while staring fixedly at his hand. “Woah. There’s some serious depth perception fuckery going on right now.”

“Levi, try and focus.” Hanji spoke firmly and managed to get his attention back on them.

“Focus,” he repeated, still not taking his eyes off his fingers.

“Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

“My nails. When will they grow back?”

“It might take a couple of months.”

“You know, when they did the second fingernail, the fucker made sure to do it really slowly. He said they’d finish with my nails and move onto my teeth.” Levi looked over at Erwin. “But then you came, and it was all alright.”

The cloying heat of the room and the way Levi gazed at him so calmly as he spoke of the horrors of the cells made Erwin’s stomach turn. Without another word he stood, striding through the bedroom and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him in his haste to get away. He fell to his knees and heaved into the toilet. Tears streamed down his face, and he wasn’t sure if it was as a result of the force of the vomiting or from the thought that he had allowed this to happen to the two most important men in his life; first to his father and then to the man he had fallen in love with. Remaining kneeling, he rocked slightly, trembling and sweating. His stress response was in overdrive; adrenaline coursing through him. Even when faced with Titans, he didn’t react like this.

He leaned the side of his now-hot face against the cool porcelain of the toilet seat. This was no good. He was no use to Levi just sitting in here wallowing in his own despair. It was only right that he heard exactly what these men were capable of and what he himself had chosen to put Levi through. Splashing water on his face and rinsing out his mouth, Erwin straightened up and headed back into the pits of hell.

He cleared his throat of the last remnants of the vomit that still burned at the back of his tongue. “Sorry, I needed a bathroom break.”

But his bravado didn’t fool Levi; his expression and body language had closed off.

“I think I’m done.”

Erwin tried to reassure him, “Levi, you can keep-”

“No, I’m done.” He clammed up completely, arms and legs crossing and eyes casting downwards.

Swallowing hard, Erwin suppressed the grimace that wanted to display itself across his face. He dropped his head into his hands, feeling exhausted by what had transpired so far tonight and sighed, “Please Levi, don’t worry about upsetting me.”

He felt his stomach churn again when Levi then continued on to say, “How can I not? I feel like the worst man alive for telling you any of this, Erwin.”

He stopped breathing, stunned that Levi should feel ashamed and culpable for the way Erwin had allowed himself to brood on his own guilt. He asked, “Why on earth would _you_ feel guilty, Levi? It’s _me_ who should, and _is,_ feeling terrible about it all.”

Giving him an incredulous look, Levi scoffed, “Obviously because I don’t like seeing you beat yourself up about it and I want to protect you from yourself.”

“How can I not beat myself up?” Erwin pressed his hand against the bridge of his nose. “You suffered horribly on my behalf and are still hurting so much; you’re trying to hide it and are having to take illicit substances just to be able to talk about it. Your mental strength is admirable, but it will ultimately do you no good in these circumstances.”

“I can barely remember it, Erwin. Just snippets, just the really shitty bits.”

Erwin moved his hand up to rub his forehead and eyebrows distractedly as he shook his head. “That doesn’t make it better.”

Throwing his hands up in annoyance, Levi barked, “So what’s the point of all this, then? Of making me dredge it all up? Is it really to make me better? Or make you better? Because I can’t see that it’s making any fucking difference at all.” Levi’s eyes suddenly had a wild and dangerous flare flash across them. “Or is this simply just to plough me for more information to see if I really didn’t say anything?”

“No.” Shocked, Erwin looked up directly into Levi’s face, needing to stop the man’s paranoid train of thought before it sped off somewhere really deep and dark into the recesses of Levi’s drugged mind. “It’s purely to try and help you feel better.”

“How is this supposed to help me?” Levi flopped back, his head tilted back to stare at the ceiling and arms hung over the sides of the chair. “It would be better for both of us if I just forgot about it. If I locked it all away somewhere and threw away the key.”

“That didn’t work before,” Erwin reminded him gently. Thankfully, Hanji didn’t probe at the mysterious reference.

“No. I guess it didn’t.” Levi leaned forward again and cupped his face in his hands, splinting his elbows on his knees. “Fuck, I’m so lost. Help me.”

Before reaching out to provide physical comfort, Erwin needed to check. “Can I touch you now without you knocking me to the floor?”

“Yes,” came the quiet reply.

Gingerly, Erwin moved his chair closer and placed a hand on Levi’s back, rubbing large, slow circles over his shoulder blades. "You were brave," Erwin murmured, leaning his lips into the dark hair. "So, so brave. No one else could have done it, Levi. I'm so proud of you, and now you deserve to be free from these dark thoughts. I don't want you to feel that you need to be strong all the time. It's natural to be distressed by what you experienced; never hide that from me. Let me help you."

The contact seemed to make Levi’s thoughts shoot off at a tangent, as after a few minutes of silence he looked up with a very different expression on his face to the distraught one he had mere moments before. “I love you man.” And with that unexpected declaration, he clambered onto Erwin’s lap and placed his mouth against the thick neck.

Hanji laughed awkwardly. “Oh my! Well, I think that’s my cue to leave. He’s on the comedown now, so the rollercoaster of emotions should eventually start to settle. Okay, champ,” Hanji clapped their hands together to try and get Levi’s attention again. They failed; the slight man’s attention was fully on trying to taste every exposed part of Erwin’s skin. “Maybe we can do more another day. I’ll check in tomorrow and see whether you feel this has done you any good.”

Erwin tried to see around the man straddling him. “And what do I do with him now, Hanji!?”

“Just indulge him. Then let him sleep it off.” They packed away their things and slung the bag over one shoulder, “And please stop nursing your sense of guilt. It isn’t healthy for either of you. Perhaps now you can see just how much it’s affecting him.”

“I didn’t realise.” It seemed so obvious now.

Hanji nodded in understanding. “Do it for him, Erwin, if not for yourself.”

~~~

Grinding down on Erwin’s lap to coax the man into a similar state of arousal to himself, Levi ogled the handsome man trapped beneath him.

Graphically ruinous fantasies involving Erwin were playing out in his mind. Shit straight from the heart of darkness and depravity; his deepest perversions had taken the wheel and were steering his imagination to places Levi had never dreamed he’d want to go.

But apparently Erwin was having none of it.

“Levi, I can’t take advantage of you like this. You aren’t in your right mind.”

“You absolutely can. You know I’m up for it,” he purred in Erwin’s ear. "You want to help me? Then fuck me."

All he got was a resolute stare from Blondie. “Alright then, let me rephrase that, Levi. I won’t.”

“Erwi-iiiin-nnnn,” Levi complained, gripping the frustrating man’s shirt hard.

But he just shook his pretty blonde head. “That’s not going to work. You are barely lucid.”

“But Hanji told you to-”

“-Hanji may have no scruples about sleeping with someone who they recently drugged, but it’s not something I’m into.”

“Uurggghh, fine,” and remaining on Erwin’s lap, Levi reached a hand down the front of his own pants and unbuckled his belt to free his erection. He began to stroke himself so hard that the movement was audible, a rhythmic sound of sliding skin. Then he gave an exaggerated sigh. “Fuck that feels good. Remind me why I haven’t done this acid shit before?”

For once, Erwin seemed stunned into silence. Staring wide eyed, his hands gripped the arms of the chair with such force that his forearms shook. Levi tugged the hem of Erwin’s shirt out from where it was carefully tucked into his pants. “Off. Take off your shirt and let me come on you.”

Despite his earlier protests, Erwin seemed willing to compromise on this. The shirt was whipped off over his head and flung away onto the floor. Too horny to care that the shirt would wrinkle, Levi groaned as Erwin’s hands lost their battle to remain off Levi’s body and came round to cup his buttocks, squeezing hard. He could feel Erwin’s erection twitching under him and the older man was rigid in his attempt to not to buck his hips up into him.

 _Let him suffer,_ Levi thought with savage glee. _Erwin had made his bed and he could fucking well lie in it._

A glob of precum blurted out, and Levi watched as Erwin continued to stare down at the sight of his hand fisting his cock.

Although he was pretty sure of the answer, Levi decided to check. “You don’t mind getting dirty?”

Without taking his eyes off Levi’s hand, Erwin replied, “It’s your cum, I like it. It’s not dirty.”

“Will you at least kiss me?”

Erwin looked up at his face. “Yes, but I want to watch you as you finish on me.”

“You filth bag.” With the hand that wasn’t busy on his dick, Levi palmed the warm, flexing muscles of Erwin’s beautiful chest and dug his nails into one big shoulder to help stabilise him. The blonde was shaking and clearly having a very difficult time holding back.

Erwin cupped the back of Levi’s head and pulled him in for a deep, long kiss. Their faces turned from side-to-side as they tried to find the best angle, but then Erwin began pulling Levi’s hair to tilt his head back and his mouth started on a sloppy path down his neck. The acid heightened all the sensations, making Levi felt as if he were melting into the sensual touch of Erwin’s lips and tongue.

“Fuck!” Erwin gritted his teeth and removed his hands from Levi and put them back on the chair arms. “Sorry, I’m getting carried away.” But through his strangled breathing he managed to ask, “Tell me what you’d like me to do to you when I next fuck you.”

Levi had known the answer to this for a while but had been too shy to admit the fantasy. Fortunately, the acid seemed to have stripped away all inhibitions, and running a hand down Erwin’s sternum he admitted, “I want to lick cream off your chest.”

Sky-blue eyes nearly bugged out of Erwin’s head at the comment, causing Levi to bare his teeth in a lustful grin and lick his lips. He leaned in to whisper one of his favourite fantasies in the older man’s ear, “And maybe after I’ll let you tie me up, restrain me. Perhaps we can re-enact when we first met; we can pretend that when you first caught me that none of your pretty words could convince me to join your cause. Instead you had to _fuck_ me into submission.”

“Levi-” The older man's mouth dropped open and worked silently for a few moments, before he swallowed heavily and let out a breathy gasp. Head nodding furiously, Erwin looked as though all his birthdays had come at once. “Yes, yes please. Let’s do that. Oh God, fuck. Uurrgghh!” And then he squeezed his eyes shut and grimaced, clearly trying hard not to cum in his pants just from Levi’s insistent rocking against him and the ideas now planted firmly in his head. Under Levi’s hand he could feel Erwin’s heart thudding hard against his chest wall in his excitement.

Finally admitting one of his fantasies to Erwin had turned Levi on immensely. “Fuck Erwin, I’m gonna come. Shit shit shit!”

The blonde moved his hands to Levi’s lower back to allow him to lean back as he started to come, angling the warm jets to land on Erwin’s upper body. It felt good; not quite as good of course as the new, weird, inner orgasms that Erwin could draw from him that took away all control Levi had over his own mind and body, nearly driving him to unconsciousness every time. He took a moment to come down from this natural high, getting his breath back while resting his forehead against Erwin’s with his eyes closed. Upon opening them, he looked down to be greeted with the sight of Erwin dripping with his semen, and a rather territorial instinct washed over him. What he wouldn't have given for Fritz Eppler to have been privy to this sight.

 _Mine_ , his inner voice snarled viciously.

Levi licked his lips, raking his eyes up and down the splatter marks on the muscular torso. “No wonder you like doing this to me. Shit, Erwin, you look fucking amazing.” 

Nearly speechless with lust, Erwin settled his hands on Levi’s hips and took a moment to gather his thoughts. “I really enjoyed watching you. You’re incredible, Levi.”

Rubbing his ass against the now leaking erection beneath him, Levi asked, “You want me to take care of this?”

Blondie groaned. “As much as I’d like that, I really can’t let you. But thank you for offering. I’ll save it for next time. I want to make sure I’m really pent up, like how I was when you were on your knees before me in the Underground. I was so busy in the time prior that I don’t think I’d come for weeks.”

“I knew it, you fucking pervert. I could see it in your eyes at the time.” Deciding not to tease the poor man any more, Levi stepped carefully off his lap, yawned, and began to strip. “I’m getting horizontal. You wanna join me?”

“I might clean up first.”

“Oh yeah. Good idea.”

As Erwin stood with a huge lump straining the front of his pants, Levi watched with fascination as the evidence of his desire for this man began running down in small rivulets from the muscled chest towards Blondie’s abs. Erwin grinned at him, letting him admire his handiwork for a few more moments before heading towards the bathroom.

Inordinately pleased with himself and still very high, Levi flopped onto the bed, intent on staying awake to feel just how good stoner cuddles could be.

~~~

Meanwhile, Erwin had decided to take the coldest shower possible to try and cool off his libido. He didn’t trust himself to climb into bed with a naked and horny Levi while he still had a raging erection. Hands braced against the tiled wall, Erwin let the water hit his back and soon found he had regained some semblance of control over himself.

Levi shivered as Erwin climbed under the blanket and their skin contacted. “You’re freezing,”

“Yeah. Needed a cold shower.”

Entangling their limbs, Levi’s hand came up to stroke Erwin’s ear, then trailed down to his chin where a fine stubble had grown overnight.

“Mmmm.” Turning the hand stroking along his jawline, Erwin placed a kiss against the small palm and shuffled them as close together as they could get. They soon warmed up, cocooned in each other’s body heat. Eventually Levi turned and became the little spoon, and after a while the younger man’s limbs began to jerk, indicating that he was falling asleep. With his arm around Levi’s waist, Erwin’s hand found Levi’s slowly softening cock and held it in his hand, playing lightly with it. Just before falling asleep himself, he gave a couple of gentle tugs, retracting the skin down slightly over the head before slipping it back over and then down again. The warm soft weight was comforting to hold and after a few minutes, he himself was fast asleep.

He awoke in the morning alone in the bed to quiet mutterings coming from bathroom.

Behind the closed door, Erwin could hear Levi swearing softly to himself.

“Ow, motherfucker,” was hissed quietly.

“Levi?” Erwin stretched and sat up, throwing back the cover and planting his feet on the floor. He yawned before striding over to turn the handle to enter the bathroom. He still hadn’t had the lock fixed since Mike busted it open before Christmas. It hadn’t seemed necessary; neither of them usually cared if the other walked in when one of them was in there.

“Don’t come in!” Levi shouted abruptly through the door.

His hand paused on the handle and Erwin backed away. But there was a note of disquiet in Levi’s tone that made him hesitant to leave completely.

“Are you alright?” he enquired.

“I-" There was a moment of hesitation. “Fuck. I think I have a problem.”

“What problem?” Standing close to the door, he moved the handle down slightly. “Is it to do with the acid? Can I come in?”

He heard a ragged sigh through the door. “Fine, but don’t you dare fucking laugh.”

Opening the door, Erwin saw Levi standing naked with his back to him, looking down and making tugging movements near his groin.

Feeling rather out of place, Erwin cleared his throat. “Uh, are you sure you don’t want some privacy?”

“I can’t get it down.”

Brows furrowing, Erwin asked, “Get what down?”

“It’s stuck.”

“What’s stuck?”

“My foreskin.” Levi looked round at him, blushing to the tips of his ears.

He entered the room and tried to peer round. “Let me see.”

Levi turned to show him, and Erwin knelt to get a better look. Levi’s foreskin was pulled back from the head where Erwin had left it after falling asleep while playing with him, but now the skin was swollen and looked uncomfortable.

“Have you tried pulling it back down?”

“Yes, Erwin,” came the frustrated growl, “I’m not a total idiot. I don’t know how this happened, I always put it back.”

“Uhhhh-” The guilt must have been quite apparent on Erwin’s face, for Levi stood up straight and glared at him.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” Small hands had clenched into dangerous fists. “Were you having a grope while I slept? You absolute fucker.”

“I’m really sorry, I fell asleep and so-”

Levi pointed an accusatory finger at him. “ _You_ are going to help me fix this.”

“Show me what you’ve tried.”

Facing him, Levi tried to pull the skin back down, but it was too tight, and the younger man was grunting in pain and probably not being forceful enough. Erwin had experience of this only once before, when he’d fallen asleep drunk after masturbating. But in that case it had only been retracted for a couple of hours, and although swollen, he’d been able to fix himself relatively easy. Levi had lain like this for closer to eight hours.

He pondered what to do. “Do you want me to try? Perhaps if you lie on the bed and I give you something to bite, then one good tug might do the trick?”

Sighing and running a hand through his hair, Levi conceded, “I guess it’s worth giving you a try.” He gave Erwin a pointed stare. “Especially since it’s all your fucking fault.”

“Is it sore?”

“Yeah, it’s agony. The pain woke me up.”

Taking up a supine position on the bed, Levi took Erwin’s belt between his teeth and shut his eyes. His hands went above his head to grip the headboard. Erwin knelt on the mattress between Levi’s legs and with both hands pinched the skin on either side of Levi’s foreskin between his thumb and index fingers.

“Alright. Bite.”

Starting with an experimental tug that did nothing except draw a pained grunt from Levi, Erwin tried again- harder this time.

Levi spat out the bite. “Oww ow ow! Stop! Stop Erwin, it’s going to tear." Panting in pain, Levi brought his hands down and pushed Erwin away. “I’m gonna puke if you keep doing that.”

“I think you need to go and get it looked at.”

Mouth agape, Levi looked at him as though he were quite mad. “No fucking way.”

“Levi-” Erwin chided.

“I said no. You might not mind whipping it out for strangers, but I do.”

“It’s not like they haven’t already seen it. You’ve been in a state of undress in front of them before.”

“Yeah but not with this monstrosity dangling between my legs.”

As this was rather all his fault, Erwin offered, “I’ll go.”

“And what? Tell them about me?” Levi looked mortified.

“No, I’ll tell them it’s my own problem but say I don’t want to show them straight away. Maybe they’ll have some advice, and we can sort this out here. But if we can’t then you have to go. Deal?”

The younger man crossed his arms and pouted like a petulant child. “Deal,” came the begrudging response.

_Knock knock._

Freezing in place, the men looked at each other. “It’s probably Fritz,” Erwin said, dressing quickly and shouting, “One minute!”

Levi muttered, “I swear that man always knows just when he’s least wanted.”

Shutting the bedroom door, Erwin marched over to the office door. Opening it a crack, it was indeed his assistant.

“Fritz,” Erwin didn’t have time for this, “take the day off. I have no pressing matters that need your assistance today.”

Eppler looked disbelievingly at Erwin, trying to peer into the room through the narrow crack of door. “But sir-” but Erwin moved to block him.

“I’ll see you tomorrow." And without another word, Erwin shut the door in his face. Once he heard footsteps disappearing down the hall, Erwin snuck out and made good his escape in the other direction, taking the long route to medical.

~~~~

The doctor looked at him sympathetically, eyes repeatedly glancing down to Erwin’s fly then back up to his face. “Try applying saltwater-soaked swabs around it with some light pressure while you lie on your back. Give it half an hour and try again. But if that doesn’t work, come here and I’ll try for you. It’s more common than you think, so don’t worry about showing me.”

“And if that doesn’t work either?”

The man shrugged. “We could try under an anaesthetic. Sometimes we need to make a small cut or do a circumcision if it’s really necessary.”

Erwin felt his knees press together at the thought. A look of horror must have been evident on his face, as the doctor raised placatory hands. “Hopefully, it will sort itself out with more simple measures, Squad Leader.”

Erwin hoped so. He hoped so very much indeed. He liked Levi’s gear the way it was. And the foreskin was really his favourite part. There would be nothing to nibble on if it had to be cut off.

Resolute that they were going to fix this, come hell or high water, he strode back to his office, stopping at Shadis’ along the way.

“I’m afraid I can’t make this morning’s meeting, Commander,” he said, saluting. It wasn’t really an important gathering anyway; all the issues for tomorrow’s expedition had already been thoroughly ironed out. “There’s something personal I need to take care of.”

“Everything alright, Smith?” Shadis knew that Erwin _never_ took time for personal issues.

“Nothing that poses a permanent problem.”

Keith nodded and dismissed him. Stopping next at the kitchens, Erwin grabbed a box of salt and scurried back to his quarters.

“Right,” the bedroom door slammed behind him; Levi was still lying on the bed, “I’ve cleared my morning schedule.”

Surprise was evident on Levi’s face. “Fuck, Erwin. Since when did my dick become more important than saving humanity?”

“Well, humanity needs me to remain sane in order to save them, and for that state of mind to continue I require your body to ravish. Plus, how are you going to ride a horse like this tomorrow? Or tolerate using the ODM gear?”

“I don’t think I could. It’s pretty uncomfortable,” Levi admitted. “What did they say?”

Deciding not to tell Levi the more extreme solutions unless absolutely necessary, Erwin elected only to say, “We have a plan that should sort it out.”

So for the next half an hour, Erwin held a saline-soaked hand cloth firmly around one of his favourite parts of his young lover, who lay on his back, grumbled and repeatedly shook his head.

“This is fucking ridiculous.”

“Hush,” Erwin soothed. “Think about something else.”

“Like what?”

“We could talk about the supply chain for the next expedition.”

Levi huffed, “I didn’t realise you wanted me to be in even more pain than I already am.”

When Erwin removed the cloth, the skin definitely appeared less swollen. He sidled onto his knees between Levi’s legs. “Right, are you ready?”

Levi put the belt between his teeth and nodded, squeezing his eyes shut and fisting the bed sheets with both hands. Pinching the skin again, Erwin wrenched it up. With one almighty tug and a muffled scream from Levi, the foreskin popped back into place. There was a small amount of blood so something must have torn slightly, but it had worked.

Breathing raggedly, Levi asked, “Did it work?” And sat up to inspect it.

“Yes, back to normal.”

The swelling had completely vanished, appearing as if nothing had ever been amiss. Apart from the blood, but Levi seemed unbothered by it. 

“Thank fuck!” Exhaling in relief, Levi sagged back onto the bed. He looked up at Erwin. “My hero.”

“Yeah well, the alternative was cutting it off, so I knew I had to fix it.”

“Cutting it off?!” Levi’s face turned white.

“Not the whole thing,” Erwin reassured, patting Levi’s thigh, “just a circumcision. But I like playing with it, so it wasn’t really an option for me to lose it.”

“Yes, poor you,” Levi facetiously snarked. “Just imagine if _you_ lost _my_ foreskin. How _would_ you cope?”

“Poorly. Do you want me to check where it’s bleeding?”

Waving a dismissive hand and apparently unconcerned about the source of the blood, Levi responded, “I’ll check later. When I’m less terrified it might happen again.”

“At least this should mean you can come on the expedition tomorrow.”

“Yeah, thank fuck. That reminds me, I have to re-oil my gear later.”

“Oh?” Erwin couldn’t help raise a suggestive eyebrow.

“My ODM gear,” Levi clarified, shooting Erwin a dirty look. “You no longer have permission to touch my own personal gear until you prove you can be trusted to treat it with due care and attention.”

“I’m really sorry.” Erwin felt properly chastised. “I’ll always put it back the way I found it in future. I promise. Do you want me to kiss it better?”

“Rain check. Unless you want a mouthful of blood?”

He grimaced. “Ah, no, maybe not. I’m going to get breakfast.”

Levi nodded. “I’ll meet you down there. Once I’m washed.”

The slight man got up from the bed and stretched, then went to continue his ablutions and get ready for the day. Glad beyond belief that he hadn’t permanently fucked up his lover’s genitals, Erwin made his way to the mess hall to grab breakfast and read his chess strategy book. Come Armed Forces Day he had a tournament to win, and he’d be damned if he let Pixis beat him yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those among you who know very little about uncut guys, this is called paraphimosis and I've had to deal with it SSSOOOOO many times at work, and it's usually young dudes who fall asleep drunk after some self-worship and haven't replaced the bits where they ought to go. So like Erwin, I have sat with my hand around many a guy's penis, wrapping sugar or salt soaked towels around it to draw away some of the swelling and then forcibly yanked them back into place. It's weird at first, but you kinda get used to it after a while and end up talking about the weather/TV/sports etc while holding their most precious body part. 
> 
> Writing jealous Levi was very fun. I think with the whole lover/friend/liege thing that he would be rather possessive at this early stage in their relationship, but let me know if you think it's ooc.
> 
> Stay safe everyone!


	20. Wer nicht wagt, der nicht gewinnt

Lined up and ready to start the 27th reconnaissance mission beyond the Walls, breaths were held as Commander Shadis bellowed to his troops to ride out bravely and give their lives and hearts for humanity. It was as much a reminder for the watching crowd of the peril these soldiers endured for their sake, as it was to steel his men to actually spur their horses on and leave the safety of the Walls behind. The people crowding the street to watch the spectacle silently strained their ears to hear the man’s words, eyes roving over the faces of the soldiers, some of whom would likely never step foot inside the Walls ever again.

Erwin kept his eyes firmly forward on the great gate embossed with Maria’s face until with a groan and creak of stone against metal, she was raised by the Garrison, and the Survey Corps rallied their nerve and thundered out through into the great beyond.

Once away from the Wall, he led his squad to their assigned position at front defence on the right flank, whose job it would be to protect some of the forty soldiers driving the carts filled with supplies. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Levi taking up a position next to Shadis and speaking to him. Erwin hoped his decision to allow Levi independence from the squads would be the right one.

_The penultimate night before the mission, Erwin hummed as he pored over his meticulously crafted hand-drawn diagram of the formation planned for the three-week long expedition to their farthest base._

_“If I move Levi from the flank,” he mused to himself, “it’ll be a bit more exposed, but then he could lend some manpower to the mid-defence when required-“_

_It was a gamble. But the more he considered Levi’s request, the more sense it made._

After only the first day, it became readily apparent that the gamble had indeed paid off; really now that he knew what Levi was capable of, Erwin couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it himself. With every subsequent day that passed and every mile of ground gained, the man demonstrated increasingly that he was worth all the other soldiers combined and then some. Levi always appeared exactly when needed, and knew just when to hold back. The formation was all the stronger for giving the talented soldier free reign to use his uncanny situational awareness, fearlessness and matchless prowess on the battle field. Suddenly, everyone else seemed more at ease. Morale was higher and that allowed the men and women to follow directives with clearer heads. Miraculously, even Shadis seemed less stressed.

Forty wooden carts laden with rations, blades, gas and medical supplies had departed on the 27th expedition beyond the Walls; their destination a base approximately two hundred miles away. Even with a good weather forecast, with no roads it would likely take at least ten days to arrive. The corps bases were built in an almost straight line extending out from Wall Maria, approximately a day’s ride between each one. 

Only two soldiers had become missing in action since leaving just over a week before, both losses due to fits of mission madness causing the men to break formation and bolt back towards the Walls, never to return.

Now eight days in and only ten miles from their destination, excitement was mounting and attentions were waning dangerously. Across the cloud-clad landscape, the sudden arrival of a horde of titans had caused the exhausted formation to scatter. Erwin had been assigned to drive one of the carts that day and was trying his utmost to stay within sight of two squads who could hopefully take out any titans which strayed too close to him.

Team Leader Huerter's voice could be heard yelling in the near distance, "Stay in formation, cover Smith from the front!" She was a reliable leader and Erwin was glad her team were in his vicinity.

But when a titan’s hand appeared up from directly under the ground, the cart was toppled over onto Erwin, and the horse reared up violently.

He must have blacked out temporarily, as he awoke to a high-pitched buzzing in his ears. Wiggling his toes, Erwin was relieved to find them still obeying orders. However, he found himself well and truly stuck under the heavily laden cart. Beside him, the horse lay twisted on the ground, its neck snapped and large lifeless eyes lying open. Its last breath escaped from its muzzle as a flood of bloody foam. Thanking the Walls that it wasn’t his own mount, Erwin set to work trying to figure out how to solve his current conundrum.

The squads ahead had disappeared from view, and from the forest ahead of him, Erwin became aware of the rumbling stampede of huge feet heading his direction, causing small stones on the ground to bounce into the air from the vibrations travelling through the earth. Fifteen or maybe even twenty titans smiled menacingly at him as they approached. Hands outstretched, they raced each other, each looking to swallow him down their putrescent gullets.

He tried in vain to pull himself free. He even tried undoing his straps and gear to see if that would make any difference, but his leg was well and truly trapped. The massive arm reaching out from the ground groped around, trying to feel for any humans to grab. Unable to do anything else, Erwin lay still and tried not to breathe.

Suddenly in the distance, carving through the maniacally grinning monsters like carrion, an unmistakable lone figure had appeared and was busily and effortlessly taking out the swarm. Using the tallest one almost like a maypole, Levi swung round, chopping skilfully at the smaller titans surrounding it, all the while preserving his gas and relying purely on angular momentum to see him from one move to the next. He used the titans’ own movements to further his own; a clash of metal and the wet-sounding spouts of blood that followed were music to Erwin’s ears. He grinned, for while Levi fought, the titans temporarily stopped being the monsters.

In a matter of moments, the plain was free of titans and Levi was making his way on horseback to Erwin. He chopped at the arm emerging from the ground, and it fell limply to the ground. Both men expected to see a whole titan emerge any moment, but none came. The arm dissolved into the ground and it was as if it had never been attached to anything else.

Weird.

Levi took a moment to stomp a foot on the ground to try and coax out anything hiding beneath the earth. After a few minutes where nothing further happened, he shrugged his shoulders and focussed on cutting through the leather straps and rope tethering the dead horse to the cart, more than ready to take down anything that appeared. He made a mental note to mention it to Hanji later before kneeling down check and see if Erwin was hurt.

“Erwin, are you alright? Are you injured? Anything feel broken?”

“I’m not crushed, it’s just my leg is trapped, but I can’t work out how to- rraaahhh!-“ He pulled himself forward, but couldn’t budge an inch, “No, I can’t get it out,” Erwin took a proffered hand and together they tried to extricate him, but to no avail.

With the weight of the dead horse gone, Levi attempted to overturn the cart himself. He managed to hoist one side a foot up into the air, a remarkable feat for so small a man. Sadly, it still wasn’t enough for Erwin to free himself.

Fuck. He couldn’t even work out what his leg was stuck on.

And then from the forest, another plague of titans began thundering towards them. Glancing at Erwin, Levi jumped back on his horse and headed back out to face this next set.

While Levi fought and took down another ten, Erwin considered their options. Even with Levi’s excellent economy of movement, his gas wouldn’t last forever. And they still had to get back to the formation and then onto the base.

“Levi!” Erwin called, and the man returned to his side. “It’s not working. You’ll run out of gas and blades long before we get me out,”

The dark haired man turned to look at him, now in fighting stance between Erwin and the forest wherefrom the titans kept emerging, “Then what exactly do you propose, huh? I just let them eat you?”

Erwin looked at him pensively, “Maybe….” A spark of an idea had ignited in his mind.

Sweat beaded on Levi’s forehead and upper lip at the suggestion, “What? You want seriously want me to let them eat you? I know I say you’re annoying sometimes and need to learn how to fold shit better, but you fuck good enough that it all kind of balances out. You definitely don’t deserve to be eaten.”

Erwin shook his head, reaching down to re-buckle his ODM gear, “I’m not going to let them get so far as to eat me, but maybe we can use them to our advantage. Here’s the plan.”

~~~~~

Halting his horse atop a small hill, Mike surveyed the scene in the valley below him. Scattered across the sierra must have been the dissolving corpses of around thirty titans, all of varyingly monstrous shapes and sizes. It looked like Levi’s work. But was Levi responsible for all of this? Seeing how precisely they were cut up left little doubt in Mike’s mind; no one else was capable of such controlled carnage.

In the middle of the flat open terrain was an upturned cart. Mike took a double take at seeing Levi standing on the cart, waving his blades in the air and shouting obscenities at a particularly fat, slow and ugly titan a few hundred yards away, who appeared to not have noticed him and was walking away from Levi.

“Hey, you! Big Chungus!”

The big 20m class titan slowly turned to look at the small man dancing atop the cart.

Levi’s deep voice carried well across the landscape, “Yeah that’s right, I’m talking to you, you fat lard-assed piece of shit. Get your ugly mug over here and eat this guy,”

The soldier pointed down to beneath his feet. Then the titan began lumbering heavily towards Levi and the overturned cart.

 _Levi_? Mike thought, _What the actual fuck?_

Then, unexpectedly, Levi jumped nimbly off the cart and Erwin’s voice was suddenly audible; in a mocking tone, Erwin could be heard taunting the thing to come even closer. Mike gasped when he saw that Erwin was stuck under the cart, looking pleased that the beast was moving towards him.

What the fuck were they doing? Why were they drawing it towards them? Why didn’t Levi just kill it?

The titan ambled over, then slowly bent down to pick up the cart in one giant hand, and in the other it pulled Erwin into its meaty grip. In a flash, Levi had fired his ODM, slicing Erwin free from the grasping fingers. Once free, the blonde Squad Leader deployed his own gear and swung around to assist the kill, chopping at the nape of the neck and felling the titan.

The corner of Mike’s lip curled up into a smirk. The two men were a great team; whether on the physical or political battlefield. It was undeniable.

Spurring his horse into a gallop, Mike charged down to meet the two men. The contents of the capsized cart were strewn across the ground.

“Erwin! Levi! You both alright?” He swung down off the saddle to help. It didn’t smell like there were any new titans approaching for a while, so they had some time to fix this mess.

“Yeah,” Erwin stood and brushed himself down, re-adjusting his ODM gear which appeared to be haphazardly buckled. “One caught me by surprise and spooked the horse.”

“What next, Erwin?” Mike peered out from under his bangs at the cart which had sadly returned to it’s upside down position when the titan was felled. Do we abandon this one?”

But Erwin shook his head, “Let’s try and get the cart upright and see if it’s still able to go. If it can, we reload and tether one of the horses to it. Then you and I will travel in the cart and Levi can continue on as he has been.”

It took all three men to put the cart back on its wheels, and apart from one of the side panels looking decidedly wonky the rest of the cart seemed undamaged. Mike’s horse looked at him rather unhappily as he tethered it to pull the heavy load.

“Sorry boy,” he stroked the long muzzle, “I’ll make it up to you once we’re back.”

Cart packed, they headed on their way. The formation was about a mile ahead of them. Levi had remounted his horse and had charged off to parts unknown, clearly sensing something amiss elsewhere.

An hour later with only a few miles of terrain left to cover, a red flare shot up about a mile along the formation’s right flank. Normally, the signal would transmit along through the Squad Leaders to the Commander, who would then fire a green flare signalling the formation of their change of direction. On this occasion however, a purple flare fired about a mile to Erwin and Mike’s left, telling of an abnormal titan sighting. If Erwin had been Commander, he would have picked the lesser of two evils and directed the formation to move towards the right. They waited, but no green flares went up at all.

“What’s Shadis playing at?” Mike shouted in frustration, “Where do we go? Do we keep going straight?”

“If Shadis hasn’t shot a flare, he’s either indecisive, incapacitated or worse.” Erwin glanced around and fingered the flare gun at his hip. If nothing happened in the next thirty seconds, he would have to-

Suddenly, where the red flare was still dissipating, a green flare shot up, indicating that the problem had been dealt with.

“I wonder who sorted that little problem out?” Mike grinned.

~~~~

“Fritz and I would definitely have been eaten. But then Levi appeared from nowhere and then POW POW POW!!!” Sitting in a big group huddled by the roaring fire in the main hall of the keep, Hanji made slicing gestures with their hands as they told the others how their life had been saved earlier that day. “There must have been ten titans, all dead!”

Levi tugged on the brown ponytail, “You’re exaggerating, four-eyes. It was five at the most.”

The other soldiers stared bug-eyed at the exchange, heads and eyes moving from Levi to Hanji then back again as the conversation ping-ponged between the two.

“Five, ten, a hundred, what’s the difference?” The bespectacled soldier waved their hands in glee, “It’s certain death for most people either way. Except you, shorty.”

People were milling around them and chatting, stacking boxes and doing an inventory of stock that had managed to make it all the way from Wall Maria, and would remain here for future expeditions. The relief was palpable at having finally reached the farthest base occupied to date; a stone keep on top of a hill surrounded by a moat. The existence of this building was further evidence in Erwin’s mind that humans had once occupied this land in a time before recorded history, when it was titan-free.

Erwin yawned and rubbed his eyes. Now they were technically on the home stretch, and had made it a day ahead of schedule thanks to unseasonably clement weather and riding conditions. The journey home purely on horseback would be far quicker; the carts weren’t worth bringing back, so they had been chopped into firewood to be burned and the men had a warm room to sleep in for once. After stuffing some dry food into his face, Erwin forced himself to move away from the warmth of the fire and his comrades presence and got to work on tomorrow’s formation.

“That was quick thinking earlier, Erwin,” After a further few minutes enduring Hanji’s gushing praise, Levi stepped over to where Erwin was examining a map, “I don’t think I’d have thought of it. You’re a genius on the battlefield.”

“I was going to say the same about you,” Erwin resisted clapping a hand on Levi’s shoulder, despite it being something he would have naturally done with anyone else. He had no doubt in his mind that after nine days enforced abstinence, that even the most platonic of touches to Levi’s person would lead to a raging hard-on that would be impossible to hide in the middle of the busy room, “Thank you for coming to help.”

One corner of Levi’s mouth flipped up, “As if I had a choice. I had to get you out. You clearly don’t understand how I feel, Erwin.”

Erwin’s mouth threatened to drop open in shock at Levi speaking so openly about his feelings in the middle of a mission. He almost started to tell Levi to keep it down, to start acting cooler and more professionally in public, when the man pointed at Erwin’s clothes, “I care a hell of a lot about that uniform you’re wearing, and I’ll damned if I let you mess it up.”

Letting out a laugh of relief, Erwin shook his head, “Well, I’ll try and keep it in one piece for you.”

Leaning down and pretending to point out something on the map, Levi glanced over one shoulder to check they were alone and murmured quietly, “I’m busting a nut here, Erwin.”

The blonde breathed out heavily through his nose. A clandestine grope would make Erwin’s whole week. It would have the additional bonus of energising him, perhaps buying him an extra hour of planning tonight. The only problem would be finding somewhere private enough to snatch a few precious moments. Levi didn’t know the layout of the keep, but Erwin had been twice before and knew a few of its secrets.

He nodded, “I know the feeling. I think we deserve a little respite.” Equally paranoid, Erwin looked around to make sure no one was in ear shot, then pretended to be overly interested in the diagram on the piece of paper spread out on the table. “Meet me at the bottom of the south tower in twenty minutes.”

Levi saluted and walked away.

He was exactly where he was instructed to be when Erwin approached the south tower from down the dark corridor, leaning nonchalantly against a wall and examining his fingernails. Gesturing with a nod of his head for the younger man to follow him, Erwin slowly opened the creaky door and shut it behind them, locking the door from the inside. Levi followed him silently up the winding staircase and once up in the attic room, Erwin set his dim candle lamp on the floor. Pushing down a laugh at Levi’s clear disgust at the unkempt floor and the damp walls, and knowing that he wasn’t going to be able to convince his lover to participate otherwise, Erwin unclipped his own cloak and laid it down on the ground for them to lie on.

Despite the mud and sweat covering them, each man was desperate for the other. They moved towards each other in a rush, Levi on tiptoe and Erwin bending over slightly to allow their faces to meet. Hands groped and clasped each other, lips locking and tongues battling. Erwin hooked a foot behind Levi’s leg and swept it out from under him, pushing Levi onto his back on the cloak and laying over him. With his weight pressing down through his hips and pinning the younger man to the floor, Erwin began to frot against the eager man beneath him in an imitation of what he wanted to do with Levi when they got home. The younger man gladly reciprocated the dry humping and kissing in the dim light of the lantern. Erwin wished he could see the other man more clearly, but from the hardness of Levi’s burgeoning erection, Erwin was pretty sure he was into it as much as himself.

“We need to stay quiet,” Erwin whispered, and the younger man nodded in understanding. Even the sounds their bodies were making felt like they were echoing too loudly off the stone walls.

Mindlessly grinding against each other, Erwin revelled in the drag of friction as they rubbed together. Levi pulled his mouth away from Erwin’s and let his head fall back onto the hard ground, eyes closed, face flushed and sweating. He parted his legs farther, dug his heels into the stone floor and pushed back against each of Erwin's downward thrusts.

Needing to feel Levi’s skin against his own and not wanting either of them to actually cum in their own pants, Erwin sat back on his haunches and began to unbutton his lover’s shirt, undoing the belts as he went. As he worked, Levi freed Erwin’s erection, licked his hand and gave his cock a few much needed strokes, drawing a hiss from the blonde. Once Erwin had undone the whole of Levi’s shirt, he opened the man’s pants. Levi obligingly lifted his ass off the floor, allowing him to pull them down a few inches. The blonde reached in to pull out Levi’s hardness and used his other hand to cop a feel of a muscular ass cheek. Now, Levi’s torso and groin were fully exposed. Erwin pulled his own shirt out from his trousers and rucked it up to his chest so they could slide against each other. It was wonderful to feel this warm, hard body against his own.

“Tell me what you’ve fantasised about doing to me once we’re back,” Levi murmured in his ear. It tickled and caused Erwin to smirk.

“I’m going to get you on your back and lick your ass for hours,” his tongue snaked out to taste the musk on Levi’s neck, his natural scent strong after not being able to wash for so long. Damn he tasted good. “You’ll be so relaxed and open that I’ll be able to just slip inside you. I’ll force you to climax so many times you won’t even be able to remember your own name.” With a powerful downwards thrust that knocked the breath out of the man panting below him, Erwin decided to broach the idea of one of his favourite fantasies involving Levi, “Then once I’ve made you come over and over again, and filled you at least once, I’ll pull out and finish on your face,”

Teeth bared and groaning, Levi shut his eyes and tried to keep quiet. His arms came up to dig nails into Erwin’s upper arms, bracing himself against the onslaught of Erwin’s hips.

They broke a kiss so both men could suck in a wet breath. With one forearm bracketing Levi’s head, Erwin felt Levi’s tongue and lips seeking out his neck in the darkness, suckling along the muscle planes. When he groaned loud and deep, he could feel Levi’s grin against his neck.

“I thought we had to stay quiet, sir?” Levi's fingers toyed with the blonde facial hair that had grown in after a week without shaving. 

“You aren’t playing fair, soldier.”

Kissing him again, Levi hooked one leg around Erwin’s body as their hips rubbed together, almost awkward, but any additional friction was welcome. Erwin reached between them when his belly started to ache, curling a saliva-slicked hand around both of them and his eyes rolled into the back of his head at the added contact. The pace was frantic now, almost violent. Levi had both his hands embedded tightly in blonde hair as he fucked Erwin’s hand. The raunchy feeling of their cocks sliding together and the furtiveness of the tryst was a real turn-on. Erwin’s other hand gripped the rough ground, supporting his weight, dragging his movements.

Erwin’s vision was going yellow, his senses were heightened and then blanking out. The pressures of the world disappeared momentarily as he drove himself mindlessly towards their one single goal. He was pleased when Levi reached it first, scratching his fingers down Erwin's back hard enough to leave livid red marks. Enjoying the feel of his lover’s cum splattering against his skin, Erwin reached his own climax and tried to angle his cock so that he didn’t stain Levi’s clothes, managing to aim most of his ejaculate onto his lover’s taut abs. After so many stressful days and nearly a week of abstinence, it was a good, hard orgasm. Sitting back on his heels, Erwin continued to stroke himself to prolong the pleasure as long as possible. He admired the young man panting hard on the floor, then leaned forward and swirled the head of his softening erection in the pool of semen they’d both created on Levi’s stomach. Knowing Levi would want to clean up before it dried on his skin, Erwin reached over to grab a cloth he’d brought with them and wiped the mess off, tossing the rag to one side. Feeling satiated and relaxed, he draped himself back over Levi who kept his legs parted to allow Erwin to rest between them. They kissed gently, nuzzling faces and clasping hands.

All too soon, Levi broke the silence, “I guess we’d better make a reappearance downstairs soon,”

Sighing, Erwin nodded silently, stood and extended a hand to pull Levi up. They made themselves presentable and headed back down the stairs, unlocking the door and heading down separate corridors back towards the main hall.

~~~~

Chewing on a tough piece of cured meat, Mike stared into the fire, hypnotised by the dancing flames. From a corridor to his right, Levi appeared, apparently having gone for a solo stroll around the keep.

He looked around the room, and saw that Erwin had also made a sudden reappearance by Shadis’ side across the hall, and was now busily making notes on a map. Both of his friends had a slight, blotchy flush high on their cheeks and looked very relaxed. 

Hmmmm.

Sitting down near to Mike, the younger, dark-haired man nodded at him, then fished out some of his own rations and water. The blonde sucked in a breath through his nose.

Yup. He’d guessed right. Definitely _not_ a solo stroll. Catching the slight man’s eye, Mike winked at Levi.

Levi growled at him, “Shut the fuck up, Zacharius,”

He grinned, “I didn’t say anything. But if I had done, is there somewhere safe to go?”

“The tower in the south wing.” The deep voice was muffled by the bag of rations held between Levi’s teeth, as he pulled off his jacket, “Door locks from the inside.”

Mike leapt to his feet, “Thanks buddy.”

After a fun half hour of peace and self-worship, Mike stretched and yawned as he re-entered the great hall, feeling much more relaxed than he had done all week. The pungent smell of sex in the tower room and on a piece of damp cloth in particular had helped him jack off more than a few times. He would sleep well tonight. Most of the soldiers had already bunked down for the night, spooning together in numerous rows across the floor. Nanaba was already sandwiched between two other people, and his heart sank a little.

Mike peered along the floor considering his other choices; he could be Gelgar’s little spoon and be dry-humped all night long, be big spoon to Hanji and be choked by their frankly terrible unwashed smell, or snuggle in behind Levi who was the cleanest man alive, probably wouldn’t mind feeling morning wood pressed against him, and who had the familiarly pleasant scent of his and Erwin’s sex enveloping him.

Mike smirked. Decision made.

~~~~

With his arm wrapped comfortably across Erwin’s waist, Levi awoke from a light doze as he felt Mike slide in behind him and reach an arm across his body. The arm was so long that it reached Erwin’s hip. Mike’s other arm nudged his head, and Levi shifted to allow it to sidle under him, then relaxed his head back down to be cradled between a broad chest and a huge bicep, happy to have a pillow for the night. Sandwiched between the two hulking blondes radiating heat like furnaces, Levi allowed himself a smug little smile into Erwin’s back.

“Something tells me that you might be enjoying this too much, Levi,” Came a quiet voice as Erwin’s head turned back over his shoulder. He mustn’t have been asleep yet.

“I’m enjoying it just the right amount. Go to sleep.”

Mike snorted out a laugh.

Despite being out in titan territory as far from the Walls as it was currently humanly possible, and only having a thin bedroll separating him from the dirty floor, the fact that he was surrounded by two strong men with whom he trusted with his life allowed Levi one of the deepest and most refreshing sleeps of his entire life. There were no nightmares that night, no terrors beyond consciousness. The sandman’s trickery which normally brought him to his own unique bogeyman had apparently been chased away for one night by his total exhaustion and the safety of two faithful companions.

He awoke at one point when it was still dark when Erwin roused to get up and take a piss. He moved to follow him, but Mike was still fast asleep and had Levi firmly anchored in place, his arm now holding Levi unyieldingly against his huge, solid chest. Not wanting to wake the guy, Levi settled back down, ignored his bladder as best he could and managed to get back to sleep. When he awoke for the day proper, Erwin had somehow squeezed back into his spot without waking him, and Levi’s arm had unconsciously snaked across him. Or perhaps Erwin had pulled it back across. Levi kept his eyes closed for as long as possible, not really wanting to get up and get back on a horse in what sounded very much like a rainstorm battering the walls and roof around them.

 _Hot, fresh food. Clean clothes and sheets. A hot shower. Erwin naked_. His mind cycled through all the things that would make it worth getting up for.

 _Alright_ , he told himself, stretching the sleep from his limbs. _Time to get up._

~~~~

Two days later, hard riding through the rain had sodden everyone’s spirits, though at least it had come after the carts had been abandoned and not before. Finally one morning the storm stopped and the sun began to shine. Steam rose from the soldiers and horses as they rode hard across the land, appearing as the titans did when felled and evaporated away to nothingness. By the time they reached their stopover for the night, Levi was hot and sweaty, the rainwater having long dried from his clothes only to be replaced by perspiration.

He couldn’t sleep that night, and instead made his way up atop one of the towers to stare up at the stars. A great band of them ribboned across the inky sky, more obvious away from the towns with their lights shining brightly. He must have fallen into a doze eventually, as he awoke to the sun rising and the sound of birdsong.

Beneath the scent of smoke from the burning firewood, there was a crisp smell in the cold morning air. Taking a deep breath through his nose, Levi savoured the stillness of the wintry morning before the rest of his comrades and the titans all awoke for the day. A light mist lay across the ground; hopefully the rising sun would soon burn it off. As much as Levi enjoyed this landscape and his new-found freedom, he couldn’t wait to get home. The thought of hot water and soap was enough to make him want to ride night and day until the Wall was in view. At least it would hopefully only be five more days at most. Glancing up overhead, Levi watched a flock of birds flying in a v-shaped formation off into the distance.

 _Where do they go?_ He wondered. _And why do they come back later on in the year?_

His mind drifted to the regiment's formation. Having the freedom to ride around and witness the different squads in action, Levi had a lot to report to Erwin on his opinion of where people were posted throughout their own formation. Men like Dita Ness who had a good relationship with his horse would work better on the front-line than at the back where he’d been positioned. And Huerter’s squad seemed remarkably disciplined and able despite being relatively new recruits, even when compared to some of the more veteran squads. The tall squad leader deserved a place where she and her team’s talents could be put to better use.

He envisioned many nights would be spent scrutinising the many pre-made formation maps that Erwin kept for emergency missions, discussing the risks and benefits of re-arranging positions and perhaps whole orientations of squads. It was something he had found himself enjoying doing, perhaps in a similar way to how Erwin enjoyed playing chess, moving pawns and more important pieces around a board against an opponent. It wasn’t so different really.

The sound of people making ready for the day filtered up from the courtyard below; small figures milling around and horses being re-saddled for the day ahead told Levi it was time to join them and start the rest of the journey home.

~~~~~

Chisholm tossed his head as they re-entered the corps HQ quadrangle and headed towards the stables. Erwin knew how he felt; he had longed to get home and to have some privacy after three weeks of constantly engaging with the others. As extroverted as he was, even he had his limits of how much human contact he could deal with before needing a break. And if Erwin needed a break, how much more did an introvert like Levi need one?

Sure that Levi would join him in his own good time, Erwin entered his office to start the tedious task of documenting the lessons he’d gleaned from the last three weeks.

As a result of careful rationing, hard riding and high stress levels, most soldiers came back from long-distance missions having lost some weight. Erwin was no exception. His belt now felt loose around his waist, requiring him to buckle it a hole down from normal. He didn’t like being too lean and looked forward to eating real hot food again now they were back. Levi’s face was noticeably slimmer, made more evident than most of the men by the fact that he wasn’t sporting a beard. Erwin had sprouted one, and although it had helped prevent his face becoming chafed by the wind on horseback, he itched to get it off now he was back.

After taking some notes and finishing his unofficial report for his own file, Erwin cracked his neck and leaned back in his chair. The door opened and Levi walked in rather stiffly, carrying a hefty-looking report under one arm and tray of tea, freshly baked bread and a pot of butter in the other. It was a wonderful sight.

“I figured you were too weary of human company to go to the mess hall, so I’ve brought the mess hall to you.” Levi kicked the door closed behind him.

Clearing the desk a bit, Erwin gestured for the tray to be set in-between them, “Thank you, Levi. Sorry, I haven’t even lit the fire yet. I wanted to jot down my thoughts before anything.”

Levi set down the tray and a stack of papers, sitting down gingerly into his chair and laying a forearm on the desk. “Fuck it’s good to be home.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Reaching across, Erwin brushed his fingers over Levi’s hand, which turned palm up to stroke the inside of his wrist. “Let’s eat while the bread is still hot.”

After only having tasteless rations for three weeks, the bread tasted almost too sweet on Erwin’s tongue. The smell was heavenly, and Erwin had to act fast to get any of the butter before Levi demolished it all.

Rubbing his forehead, Levi looked bushed. “That tea really hit the spot, I was so thirsty; I haven’t drank all day. I can’t wait to sleep in a bed again. That reminds me, I have to change the sheets. After three weeks they’re probably covered in dust.”

Erwin stood and stretched, deciding to get busy getting the fire started in the bedroom, “I thought you changed them before we left? And you want to sleep in the bed? Are you quite well, Levi?”

Glowering, Levi crossed his arms and legs defensively, “I changed them because I didn’t want bed bugs moving in and feasting on any remnants of us lingering on the used sheets. But now they need done again. As for sleeping on a chair, I’m too fucking saddle sore to sit up all night, plus I want to get these disgusting clothes off, get clean and lie next to you.” Levi looked up at him with playful eyes, “And I want to play with that beard.”

Scratching the side of his face, Erwin looked at the younger, facially-hairless man bemusedly, “I was going to shave it off this evening,”

Tilting his head coquettishly, Levi gave him a lusty smirk, “Let me enjoy it for one night and then I’ll shave it off for you in the morning. I’ll treat you to a really nice close shave.”

“That sounds good,” It had been years since someone else had shaved him. Probably the last time was when he’d treated himself at a fancy barber in Mitras, where the patrons also got to drink beer after their pampering. It had all been to aid his seduction of a pretty young woman who had once told him she didn’t like beards. The ploy had worked and Erwin smirked at the memory.

“One more thing, we need to talk about the formation,” Levi leaned forward and set a hand on the weighty report he’d put on Erwin’s desk, “There are individuals in the wrong squads, and whole squads in the wrong place.”

“Oh? An example?” The blonde picked up the report and thumbed through it. It was a lengthy piece of work. Had Levi done this since returning? It certainly seemed like it.

“Huerter’s squad are a great team; they can read each other’s body language well and she is very observant and gives clear instructions. Her men trust her implicitly. Plus, they’re all damn good with the ODM gear. Putting them too near the centre of the regiment is a waste of their talents.”

“Interesting. I suppose you got to have a good look at everyone’s strengths and weaknesses?”

Levi nodded, “I did.”

Erwin set down the report and patted it, “This is great Levi. Thank you for making observations and putting so much thought into this. And of course, for all your incredible work on the field. However, I think we’ll leave formation planning for one night, can't we?”

“Fuck yeah, it can wait. I need to wash.”

As Erwin stacked wood into the hearth, Levi joined him in the bedroom and began removing his clothes, folding them neatly into a pile on the floor. Undoubtedly he would be spending most of the next day in the laundry room.

“I always thought it was weird that the corps doesn’t have a strict policy on hair styles, facial hair, jewellery or attire.” Levi commented off-handedly, unravelling his cravat from around his neck. Somehow the thing had managed to stay almost pristine despite the long mission, “I really didn’t think I was gonna get away with wearing a cravat. And I was sure you were going to shave all my hair off.”

Blowing life into the fire, Erwin said, “Sometimes we have to, if the soldier has untreatably bad nits,”

“Speaking of, do you want me to get my comb out and check you later in the bath? It’s easier with wet and oiled hair. I could cut it too.”

Touching the back of his hair, Erwin realised it had grown significantly in the last few weeks, and his scalp felt like it was crawling with lice. “It’s probably a good idea after all that communal sleeping. Then I’ll do you.”

“I cut my own, but if you could check for lice that would be great.”

Erwin raised his eyebrows suggestively, “Are you too saddle sore for anything more than checking for lice?”

Looking at him as though he were quite, quite mad, Levi’s eyes widened adorably, “Yeah, fuck aren’t you?”

Although Erwin ached for a proper rest in a bed, he didn’t feel too shabby, “I think my body has grown accustomed to being on horse-back for long periods of time,”

Flames licking to life in the fireplace, Erwin undressed and tossed his stuff on top of Levi’s. On entering the bathroom, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and was taken aback at his appearance. Staring back at him was a man who looked remarkably like his father. Younger still than the man had been when Erwin last saw him, but every passing year saw him transforming ever more into his father. It was nice. He wished his father could have been able to see him now- his role in helping humanity and seeking the truth, to see the man he’d grown to become. To have met the man he loved.

Said man was running the bath and gathering soap, towels, hair clippers and a comb. His waist looked even narrower than normal, his stomach almost concave with having had so little to eat in three weeks. Levi had worked exceptionally hard on the field, riding relentlessly through the formation to find and sort out issues before they could cause any trouble. He had done a great job, and to do so with such stamina and persistency was praiseworthy in the extreme. Zackly would have to be informed that his solo kill count was now likely over 150, in case it changed the award he was due to receive at the next Armed Forces Day.

“Shower first and then bath?”

“Yeah,” Levi came up to Erwin and sniffed him, “Though I must admit, you smell pretty fucking good all things considered.”

Pulling the other naked man against him, Erwin shoved his nose into the angle of Levi’s neck, “You smelled so good when we fucked in the tower.”

Levi gave a dark chuckle, “I think Mike appreciated it too.”

Shocked, Erwin reared back, “Levi!”

“What? He went to jerk off in the tower after we were done and then spent all night snuffling his big nose into my hair. When I woke up I had the most enormous woody pressed against me,”

Knowing first hand just _how_ big it was, Erwin grimaced and his ass clenched up tightly, “He is well-endowed.”

“Lucky Nanaba,” Pulling the shower door open and setting the spray down low as usual, Levi tested the water and began rinsing off.

Levi had set the shower head low to avoid it hitting his face. It would mean Erwin would have to wait to wash anywhere above his own nipple line, but Levi usually was quick in the shower and it certainly wasn’t worth frightening him over. The water hitting their bodies ran off brown and filthy for a good minute before it finally began to go clear again. Levi had his eyes shut as he washed, enjoying the process of getting clean; the heat, the smell of the soap, and the feel of the dried mud rinsing away. He groaned when Erwin slid his fingers into the dark hair, massaging the soap in, then carefully tilting his head back and rinsing it away.

“Nanaba?” Erwin enquired after a moment’s silence, staring down at the muddy run-off disappearing down the plug hole.

“Well, he probably has women other than her, but she’s the one he really likes. Says she smells the best out of anyone.” Levi ran a hand across Erwin’s chest down to his genitals, “Can you shave your chest and balls?”

“Sure. Not tonight, but I’ll do it sometime this week. Is this for the cream?”

“Yeah,” blushing heatedly, Levi averted his gaze, ashamed at his stoned admission that he wanted to lap cream from his lover’s body.

Not wanting to embarrass him and risk Levi never confessing any more of his fantasies, Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist and pulled his ass flush to his own hips, bending down to kiss the side of the smooth face. “Tell you what, I’ll shave if you keep a bit of your hair.” Erwin dragged a finger down the light treasure trail that had grown low down on Levi's abdomen. “You don’t have to keep all of it, and it could be kept nicely groomed. I like a bit of hair on you, plus it helps hold your scent.”

The younger man looked unconvinced, “If you’d like. I’ll give it a go, but if I don’t like it after a couple of weeks it’s coming off. Especially if it starts to hold onto the _wrong_ smells.”

As Levi turned to stroke his soft, dirty-blonde whiskers in return, Erwin couldn’t help but smile. “Does my beard make me look more handsome?”

“Hmmmm. It makes you look older and more masculine, both features that I personally find highly attractive. I think if it were nicely shaped you would look more refined and less homeless though.”

“I look homeless?”

“A little bit. It’s partly all the mud too.”

The steam filling the air was so very refreshing and cleansing. Erwin took a minute to soap himself fully, including his natty beard. Despite Levi’s assertions that Erwin looked like a hobo when unshaven, the man seemed unable to keep his wandering hands off of Erwin’s facial hair.

He reached around and gave Levi’s ass a pinch, “Get into the bath and I’ll join you in a minute,”

“Mmmmmhmmmm,”

With Levi out, Erwin put the shower head higher and enjoyed the feel of the hot water raining down for another minute. By the time he had turned off the water and stepped out, Levi had a towel wrapped around his waist and a bottle in his hand. When Erwin looked at him questioningly, Levi said, “It’s a conditioner. It’ll make your hair shine all angelic just the way you like it. Plus it will help the nit comb slide more easily through your hair. You get in first.”

The water was wonderfully warm when he slipped into the bath. With Levi perched on the stool behind him, Erwin allowed his head to be tilted back and the thin comb to be pulled through his conditioned hair. The product seemed to remove any tangles that had existed after weeks of not having a brush, to hand. In fact, the horses were more groomed than the soldiers on their missions.

“Are there many?” Erwin could feel the occasional pull of Levi’s fingertips at something in his hair.

Humming in apparent enjoyment of the act, Levi’s nails pulled something along one strand of hair and flicked it away. “Not too many. We’ve caught them early. I’m sure I have them too. My scalp’s been itchy as fuck for the last two days. Ah-hah!” Jubilantly, Levi showed him the comb, “Look the size of this bugger,” A great big fat louse crawled slowly along the comb.

“Gross. You really enjoy this don’t you, Levi?”

“I like keeping things clean. And yes, I like a good de-lousing. Don’t pretend you don’t like having your hair groomed,”

Eyes sliding shut at the gentle hair combing, Erwin nodded, “I do, I just don’t like the knowledge that I’m hosting a family of small insects in my hair,”

“I think we’ll need to do this every night for a week to be sure we get them all out. I’ll check your beard too, just in case.”

“If you insist,” he sighed in mock annoyance.

~~~~

Thoroughly enjoying playing with Erwin’s hair, Levi gleefully searched through the man’s golden strands for eggs and their parents. Then it was his turn. The soothing grooming nearly made him fall asleep. Once both men were adequately de-loused, Levi dried off and flopped onto the bed, feeling utterly drained.

The _snick snick_ of nails being cut could be heard coming from the bathroom, and after a few minutes, Erwin emerged, manicuring his nails with a file.

He shook his head at the blonde, “God Erwin, I know women who don’t spend as much time dolling themselves up as you do.”

Leaning against the door, Erwin grinned at him, “It’s not for my benefit, Levi.”

His grey eyes rolled sarcastically, “Don’t tell me. It’s for humanity?”

“Well, it’s for one very special member of humanity in particular,” Blondie gave him a cheeky wink.

“What?”

“Give it some thought and you’ll soon work it out,”

After a moment of contemplating Erwin’s strange, cryptic words, Levi winced; the idea of a raggedy nail catching him somewhere inside caused his asshole to clench.

Soon, Erwin had rolled into bed beside him with his lovely manly beard. Fascinated by it, Levi stroked it with his fingertips and ran his index finger across the moustached upper lip. It made Erwin look so different. Older and more ruggedly handsome than his normal clean-cut appearance.

“I’m sad we didn’t get to have a small Valentine’s Day celebration together.” Erwin’s breath tickled Levi’s hand.

“Hmmm?” He asked vacantly, “What’s Valentine’s day?

“It’s a commercial celebration of love. It probably had significant cultural roots in some old religion, but now it’s an excuse for shopkeepers to sell trinkets to people looking to impress their lovers.”

Snorting out a laugh through his nose, Levi scoffed, “Sounds corny and dumb. I’d rather we do something raunchy instead to celebrate our love.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Erwin’s lips curled under his beard, “I wish I knew where the tradition originally came from, though. I feel like the government are trying to shake such cultural memories from our grip. I wish I knew why. We should be the inheritors of these memories, so we can pass their revelations on to the future.”

“Let’s think about it tomorrow,” Levi let out an enormous yawn and placed his head in the crook of Erwin’s shoulder, “I’m too pooped to conspire with you tonight,”

“Goodnight,” Erwin’s hand tilted Levi’s chin and they shared a deep, lingering kiss.

“Night.”

~~~~

In the morning, Erwin awoke to a pleasantly cosy room and a re-made fire. Stretching and rolling onto Levi's side of the bed, he dozed lightly for a short while before hunger drove him to full wakefulness. On the wardrobe, a clean uniform was hung up waiting for him, the smell of hot starch indicating it was freshly ironed and probably still deliciously warm. Levi was visible through the door leading to the office, sitting on the couch and writing something down on a piece of parchment. The sound of crackling logs and the scratching of the quill pen made Erwin smile. How wonderful it was to be back in the sweet domestic sanctuary of the life Levi had created for them both. Before Levi, he’d have awoken post-mission to a cold, lifeless room, knowing that all he had to look forward to was breakfast, reports and officer’s meetings before having a solitary drink and crawling alone back into a bed that sometimes remained unmade from the morning. Then rinse and repeat ad infinitum.

“Morning,” Erwin leaned on the doorframe with his arms crossed, “What are you up to?”

“Just finishing this,” Levi pointed to a plate with his pen and used it to lift a cloth laid over it, “There’s some food if you want it. Should still be warm. And I have stuff ready for your shave.” He looked down again to resume his writing.

It was difficult for Erwin to comprehend how strong his feelings were at that precise moment. They had both made it home, alive and whole. A warm, fuzziness made Erwin’s heart swell and caused an ache behind his eyes.

“I love you.” He hoped his face betrayed the depth of emotion he was experiencing.

Levi looked up at him, the ghost of a smile on his face. But his eyes- his eyes were bright with fondness, “I love you more,”

"Not possible," he retorted with a warm grin.

They stared softly at each other for a moment, before Erwin moved to sit beside Levi and threw an arm across his shoulders. Levi leaned back and they kissed chastely. They stayed that way for a while, Levi chatting about his observations on the field, and Erwin munching from the plate now balanced on his knee.

After a while, Levi sighed and rubbed Erwin's chin, “I guess it’s probably time to say goodbye to that beard.”

“I think so. I don’t feel like myself with it.”

In the bathroom, Levi had set up a small table with a bowl of hot water and face cloths. A very sharp razor blade was sitting ready to be used. Erwin gulped. He wouldn’t have felt confident to use such a thing on himself, but he trusted Levi’s knife-handling ability.

He sniffed, “What’s that nice smell?”

Levi lathered up shaving cream on a brush, “Witch hazel. Should help prevent inflammation if you end up with any ingrown hairs. Now, no talking. And tilt your head back against me.”

The sharp blade was dragged up Erwin’s chin with exquisite skill. This was the closest shave he had _ever_ had. If he had been told a year ago that he would be allowing a man who had been sent to kill him to hold a razor to his throat, Erwin would have laughed at them. It was still hard to believe at times how far they’d come.

After a while, Levi stepped back and grinned. “Alright, done.”

There was no way that blade had taken off all the hair. Erwin could still feel where his skin hadn’t been shaved. “It doesn’t feel like it’s done, Levi,”

Levi snickered. Erwin stood to look at himself in the mirror and chuckled. Levi had given him giant sideburns and horrible mutton chops that met up with his moustache. He looked like a shop keep in a sausage shop.

“Thank you, Levi. Shall I keep it this way?”

“I think it’s rather becoming, Blondie.”

It had never before occurred to Erwin to shave his beard into bizarre fashions for fun, and he couldn’t help but grin at his appearance, “I’m glad you’re so amused. Would you grow a beard if you could?”

“Hmmmm,” the hairless man stroked at the remnants of the blonde beard. “Might help me look older I suppose,”

“Were you planning on continuing? Or am I really going to have to walk around HQ like this?”

Levi sighed, “If you insist.” A while later, Levi stepped back again, “Better?”

Erwin could still feel the upper lip hairs, “The moustache too, if you please.”

“Fine,”

After making sure _all_ the beard was definitely gone, Levi rubbed some coarse salt over Erwin’s face and then applied a hot, herbal-scented towel.

Erwin sighed, enjoying the pampering. “Thank you,”

“Don’t thank me yet,”

A beautifully scented liquid was rubbed onto his face, which after a few seconds made him hiss in shock.

“Aftershave,” Levi explained.

“Yeowch,” Erwin grimaced. “It does smell nice though.”

His skin was now so smooth that it was almost oversensitive, and when he examined himself after in the mirror, he was amazed to see absolutely no little nicks or cuts anywhere on his face or neck. Even after all these years shaving, Erwin usually caught himself somewhere and caused something to bleed slightly when he shaved. He ran a hand along his chin, “It’s so smooth. It feels great. Maybe I should get you to do this for special occasions.”

Busily folding the towels and tidying things away, Levi shrugged, “If you like. I enjoy doing it for you.”

“I’ll reward you later,” Giving Levi a wink, Erwin hopped into the shower to wash and get ready for a day of meetings with Shadis and the other Squad Leaders.

~~~~

The day had become immeasurably more dull with each passing hour. Until Erwin was able to scrutinise Levi’s report properly, he felt unable to agree to any of the changes to the formation that the other officers were putting forward. Some braver soldiers were keen to get closer to the front line, while others suggested their squads have better defended positions while they gained experience. In Erwin’s opinion, developing good judgement came from experience, and most experience came from bad judgement. Time spent engaging in different parts of the formation was the only real way for soldiers to learn to manage their fear of the titans. 

Eventually, they broke for the day and the Commander dismissed them. After dinner in the mess, Erwin retired for the night to read through Levi’s summary of the mission and make notes on his observations. It was easy to skim through the neat cursive; teaching Levi to read had been well worth the effort and would make a huge difference to humanity and the lives in the corps.

Well after the sun had set, Levi came in and shut the door behind him, leaning back heavily against it.

“Tired?”

Shaking his head, Levi stalked slowly over to the desk, “Yeah. Inventory duty is very unstimulating work.”

“I’m certainly glad I don’t have to do it anymore.”

Levi took off his jacket and began to undo his shirt.

“Come here,” Erwin patted his knee, “let me do it,” He was done for the day anyway.

His lover came willingly, straddling his lap and mouthing up the side of Erwin’s neck. With practiced ease his fingers undid Levi’s shirt buttons, then he slowly dragged the fabric off him and dropped it on the floor. Not wanting Levi to step away to fold it, Erwin distracted him by stroking his fingers from the small of Levi’s back up into his hairline, gripping the darks strands lightly at the base and pulling on his scalp the way he seemed to like. Erwin sniffed along Levi’s angular jawline and then behind a small ear; Levi’s scent provided him with pure aromatic comfort that inflamed his desire and caused his groin to tighten. He licked at the skin to drink Levi in completely. Curious to feel if Levi had managed to grow any beard at all, Erwin ran the tip of his nose across Levi’s chin and jaw again. Nothing except perfectly smooth skin.

“You really don’t grow facial hair do you, Levi?”

Levi ran a hand across his chin and upper lip, “No. Nothing. I can’t decide if it’s a good thing or not. I’d probably just shave it off anyway, so I guess it saves time day to day.”

Suddenly inflamed with desire for his smooth, young lover, Erwin tapped on Levi’s thighs, “Put your legs around my waist,”

With ease, Erwin stood up and walked into the bedroom. He bore Levi down onto his back atop the bed and eased on top of him. Kissing down his chest and abdomen, enjoying the squirming of the muscles beneath the pale skin, Erwin reached Levi’s belt and pants and decided they too needed to go. In seconds, Levi was naked under him and had brought his own hands up to get Erwin into the same state.

“My clothes are dirty anyway, how about I stay dressed as I take you?”

The suggestion sent a flash of arousal across Levi’s face, “Alright sir, if you insist.”

“Oh, I do, soldier,” He removed his cock out from the tight confines of his pants and nearly head-butted Levi when the younger man reached up to pull him down roughly by his shirt into a kiss. With the younger man naked and writhing temptingly beneath him, Erwin’s erection twitched greedily between Levi's slim thighs.

“Can I taste you?”

“Not clean,” Levi rasped out.

Licking and sucking his way up Levi’s neck, Erwin stroked a finger teasingly round over his tight entrance. It had nearly been a month since they’d last lain together in this way, and in Erwin’s experience that meant extra preparation would be necessary.

“You are the cleanest person in the world, but if you like you can go and wash first. You aren’t going to be able to take me without oral preparation; it’s been too long.”

“Fine, give me a minute.”

Life in the military had taught Erwin how to shower swiftly, mostly to avoid having to stand too long under a stream of freezing cold water. Taking overlong in the communal showers was also an open invitation to be approached; Erwin had certainly taken advantage of it from time to time in his teenaged years, but had stopped fraternising once he’d hit his twenties.

Levi seemed also to have learnt this shower etiquette in his short time in the corps, and tended to take three minute showers unless they were fooling around. But if sex was on the cards, he was in and out like a flash.

Making a few more short notes on a summary report in his office while he waited, Erwin heard the water turn off after a few minutes, and his name being called. A towel had been laid on the bed and Levi was lounging on it, one leg bent and the other flopped to one side. He looked coyly at Erwin, who smirked at the innocence of the expression and crawled between his companion’s legs. Intent on spending a good long time indulging in foreplay, Erwin started with Levi’s face and neck, kissing and tasting the hot, clean skin. His hands worked busily to firm up Levi’s nipples, while the younger man reached down to wrap a hand around Erwin’s erection and stroke it firmly. Just the way he liked it.

Erwin’s lips worked their way down sensitive flanks to Levi’s belly, then down through the little line of hair he had left on request that lead to his groin. The coarse, manly hair was surprisingly titillating and Erwin let his fingertips dance idly through it for a moment. Ignoring Levi’s cock completely, Erwin moved his mouth to the inside of one knee and worked his way up a slender thigh. Under him, Levi dragged his hands up into the blonde locks, bucking and cursing, trying to shove his groin into Erwin’s face. Again he ignored it in favour of the other knee, making his way up excruciatingly slowly. He pushed Levi’s cock and balls up onto Levi’s stomach in favour of lapping at the man’s perineum. Some of his spit dribbled down to the entrance he hoped he would soon be buried in, and Levi wriggled deliciously beneath him.

A deep voice grunted at him, “Do it you mother fucker,”

Feigning innocence, Erwin continued to lave at the sensitive skin, “Do what, darling?”

“Shut up and lick my asshole,” Levi’s hand came down on top of the crown of blonde hair and shoved his head further south.

“If you insist,” 

It was so ridiculously tight that even his tongue couldn’t slip in. This was going to take a while. Spreading Levi’s ass with his comparatively huge hands and pushing one knee up to the smaller man’s chest, Erwin buried his face into his favourite part of Levi and began trying to work saliva in and around the twitching flesh. He could do this all day if Levi let him, and he rather lost track of himself. After an indeterminate amount of time, he felt Levi start to relax, rocking his ass back into his face.

Erwin’s hand travelled up to tease Levi’s nipples. The man’s chest was sweaty and heaving; Erwin smirked as his mouth worked. He didn’t want to toot his own horn, but the blonde knew he was exceptionally good at oral sex.

“Good, Levi,” he coaxed, giving an encouraging flick of the tip of his tongue that caused Levi to jolt. “That’s it, relax for me. Bear down a bit, don’t clench up.”

Levi tried slowing his breathing, “I’m trying,”

“I know. There’s no rush. I’m having a great time down here.” In fact, Erwin was having such a good time that his erection was rock hard and, extracting it from where it was imprisoned in his pants, he tried to not just hump the bed until he came.

As Erwin nudged a lubed index finger in, Levi still felt remarkably tight. By the time he had three in, the ring of muscle still felt different to normal. “Are you feeling nervous, Levi?”

His breathing was harsh as he answered, “Just a bit worried that it’ll hurt after all that horse riding.”

Erwin could detect a note of anxiety in the normally dead-pan voice, “We don’t have to have sex this way if you don’t want, I don’t mind. But I wasn’t planning on power drilling you tonight if that’s what you were worried about.”

The tension seemed to seep from Levi at the reassurance, “That’s good to hear. You can do that grinding thing instead that you like so much,” Levi said, as though he didn’t enjoy it twice as much as Erwin.

“With pleasure,”

Moving his legs, Levi shifted to get onto his knees, “Let me turn over. I need you behind me.”

Swiftly oiling himself up, Erwin rubbed the head of his cock teasingly up and down over Levi’s entrance. He gave his usual reminder, “Bear down against me, don’t try and suck me in,”

He slipped in with surprising ease and Levi groaned. Wanting to ensure it wasn’t a noise of pain, Erwin checked in with him, “Alright, Levi? Any discomfort?”

“None, Blondie. Fuck, uuUggHhh,”

Levi’s passage held Erwin’s hardness so very snugly that he had to use all his considerable will-power and skill at breathing exercises to control himself. Apparently though, the less experienced man was as yet incapable of demonstrating such restraint. The blonde smirked; so long as he was Levi’s lover he was determined that the other man would always lack control over his bodily responses to Erwin in bed. Levi was shaking under him. Not so noticeably that anyone but him could have seen it or felt it, but locked inside of the other soldier’s body like he was, Erwin could feel everything- the pound of Levi’s heart, the quickness of his breath and the quivering of all his muscles.

Rocking forward further, Erwin felt the whole different tremor it caused - a coarser, whole-body tremble. Slender thighs shook and the entrance around his cock tensed so hard it was almost painful. He changed angle slightly and with a yelp, Levi began to come violently around him. Deciding to forgo his own control, Erwin pulled Levi's pelvis tight against his own and ground his hips down in the way the younger man liked, allowing himself release at the same time and basking in the knowledge that penetration alone had brought Humanity’s Strongest to this mass of writhing helplessness.

After over a minute of rhythmically mashing his pelvis back against Erwin, Levi's movements began to slow, and with a final loud exhale, Levi slumped down, arms losing power under him. During his orgasm, Erwin could feel there was a lot of cum from himself, but on sneaking a hand around for a feel of Levi’s currently soft cock, it appeared his partner's efforts had been dry this time.

Erwin dropped down and kissed the back of his lover’s sweaty neck, murmuring praise and adulation. “Fuck Levi, you’re amazing. Did you really just come from me entering you?”

“Gnnnhh-ngh,” a flushed cheek was pressed to the bed, grey eyes half closed.

Erwin grinned in delight at the state he had rendered Humanity’s Greatest Hope, his ego stroked and purring happily in his chest. Feeling kind, he decided to let Levi laze in his petit mort for just a little while. Ass high in the air, Levi’s torso was sprawled against the mattress in a half-doze.

After a couple of minutes, he rubbed a hand over his lover’s lower back in an attempt to reanimate him, not wanting him to actually fall asleep in this position with Erwin still inside him and raring for more. Eventually, Levi came up onto his hands and knees again, looking back over one shoulder.

“Fuck that was good, Erwin. I can’t decide whether you are better on the battlefield or in bed.”

“Ready to go again?” Grinning at the praise, Erwin ground his hips around in a circle.

“Yeah, shit.” Levi gyrated his hips in the opposite direction, countering Erwin’s movement, “I don’t think I’m ready for a pounding yet though. Still feels like I’m straddling my horse.”

“I’ll be gentle,” he reassured.

Wanting to feel Levi’s strong body against his own, Erwin pulled Levi up so his back was flush to the blonde’s still - clothed chest. Now he could play with that pretty neck. He ground up into the sweet heat surrounding him, relishing the way Levi tried to suppress his groans of pleasure.

“Let those sounds out, Levi,” he growled in his ear, “They’re mine. I want to hear them.”

One last hitched breath, then Levi stopped holding back, calling Erwin’s name like a Mantra.

Puffing up in exhilaration at Levi’s submission to his command, Erwin nibbled on a small, perfectly shaped ear as he murmured, “Good, well done. Let me hear how good I’m making you feel.”

In this position, Erwin could easily reach around for a quick grope of the smaller man's cock. When his hand did wander down, he was surprised to feel a full-blown erection jutting out from Levi’s hips. Intent now on giving his lover a double whammy, he ground with precision against Levi’s sweet spot and jerked him off at the same time.

Erwin tried to keep his voice firm, “Come for me, Levi." 

Conditioned as he was to obey Erwin’s orders, Levi was defenceless against the sudden command and cried out. His body went taut as he came, and Erwin soon felt the evidence of Levi’s enjoyment running down his forearm. Pushing in as far as he could go one final time, Erwin joined his partner in another much needed release. Eyes rolling back into his head, Erwin revelled in the head rush of pleasure sweeping through him before both men collapsed forwards onto the bed. Not wanting to crush Levi, Erwin moved onto his side, erection softening and slipping out, a rush of his cum leaking out with him.

Levi was lounging contentedly on his side next to him, eyes half-shut. Erwin felt a swell of pride in how thoroughly he could satisfy this man. Although he was Levi's superior officer and the subordinate soldier was expected to obey his orders, his brain seemed to be wired to do so more strongly than would be normally expected, especially considering that Levi had never gone through traditional military training as a young teenager, when his mind was at its most plastic. It made Erwin want to explore just how far that conditioning to himself really went. 

He brought up his hand to taste Levi’s cum and clean his hand up, but paused in shock when he saw there were streaks of fresh blood in it.

His mind panicked, _Have I torn him inside?_

Scrambling onto his knees, he lifted one of Levi’s now-floppy legs up to get a look at his entrance, worried that he had indeed been too rough. 

“Erwin, what the fuck are you doing?” Levi drawled lazily. He lay there limply and made no attempt to help or hinder Erwin manoeuvre his limbs around, “Are you going for it again? Or just admiring your efforts?”

“Uh, just admiring,” he said, trying to concentrate and not panic Levi. There didn’t appear to be any blood or obvious external tears that he could see on first glance. He checked himself. Nope, no blood down there. Sure that Levi wouldn’t mind being prodded while he luxuriated in his post-coital, blissed out state, Erwin slipped a finger back inside as far as it could go. Levi squirmed around him but made no complaint. Drawing his finger out and inspecting it, there was only his own semen and still no blood.

Deciding that he had to inform the other man lest something was really wrong, Erwin shook his shoulder gently with his clean hand to get his attention.

“Levi, look at this,”

The man sighed but didn’t open his eyes, “You want me to watch you eat my cum again? Honestly Erwin you are such a-”

“No, there’s blood in it,”

That caught Levi’s attention. He turned and sat up, staring at the blood-streaked mess on Erwin’s hand. Then Levi’s own hands shot down to examine himself, starting as Erwin did with his ass.

“There’s nothing from there,” Erwin reassured him. “Pass water and see if there’s blood in it.”

The man got up stiffly and limped towards the bathroom. Erwin grimaced. Perhaps they should have waited a bit longer till the saddle-soreness had settled somewhat before having penetrative sex. The sound of Levi relieving himself filtered through the bathroom door, but it abruptly stopped and then the man gasped.

“ _ERWIN_?! Get the fuck in here now!”

Standing up from the bed and tucking himself back into his pants, Erwin flung open the bathroom door to see what the matter was. Levi was pointing at the toilet bowl and looking rather ashen. There was indeed some blood diluted in the water in the bowl and Erwin sighed with relief.

“What’s with that creepy pleased look?” Levi hissed at him, smacking him in the chest, “I’m bleeding from my cock and you’re happy about it?!”

Erwin nodded, “I’m just glad it wasn’t me tearing you inside. I know what’s wrong. It’s from the riding. It will settle down in a couple of weeks, you’ll see. This happens to all men when they start out doing the longer expeditions.”

Pointing at the blood-stained water, Levi looked shocked, “So this is from riding?”

“Yes.” Erwin yawned, “Man wasn’t made to bounce up and down on a saddle all day for three weeks. It will heal up, trust me. Let’s wash and go to bed. Tomorrow I’ll make lots of tea for you to drink which will help it get better faster.”

Looking still unconvinced into the toilet, Levi gave a strained sigh and ushered Erwin out so he could finish up solo.

Once beneath the covers, Erwin spooned Levi and nibbled on his ear, “Did you enjoy being on your hands and knees and having me fuck you fully dressed?”

Levi managed a small smile, “Fuck yeah. It’s like a power play I guess. I like it when you order me around. Feels really fucking good.”

“Do you like it when I tell you how good you’ve been?”

“Yes,” Levi blushed, horribly embarrassed, “now shut up and go to sleep.”

“Aye, aye Captain.”

“One last thing, Erwin,” the younger man went stiff in his arms, “Did you call me ‘darling’ earlier? Or was I imagining things in the heat of the moment?”

Glad that was all Levi was concerned about, Erwin nodded, “No, I did call you that. Partly for fun, but also you have so many names for me, and I have only Levi or Captain. It doesn’t seem fair. Do you not like it?”

“It’s fine.” That was as close as Levi was going to come to giving Erwin the green light to continue with the pet name. “Goodnight, Erwin.”

“Goodnight darling,”

Levi snorted and shook his head, but said no more.


	21. Auf einen groben Klotz gehört ein grober Keil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After much thought I have decided split chapter 20 in two. Don't panic, I haven't accidentally reposted previous work!

It was nearly 300 miles to Mitras from the corps HQ at Wall Maria. On good roads and with dry weather, it took Erwin, Mike, Shadis and Levi nearly a full week to get to Wall Sina on horseback. Once through the innermost Wall on outskirts of Mitras, they stabled their horses and the four soldiers crammed into a carriage headed for the next dull fundraiser. With three of the four men standing at over six foot tall, there were six huge knees sticking out in every direction as each man tried to spread himself comfortably for the journey. Only Levi was able to sit in his own corner feeling as if he had enough room.

He day-dreamed for a while about their journey thus far; the comradery they had all shared on horseback and at the small inns they had frequented along the way, time spent tasting local beers together and playing increasingly silly drinking games in the evenings before bed. Levi even felt he had gotten to know Shadis better when the alcohol had loosened the guy up enough to let him take the stick out of his own ass. The quality of food and bedding at the inns improved in succession with every mile they approached closer to Wall Sina, and Levi felt his pelvis throb at the memory of all the beds Erwin had insisted on christening, some in rather creative ways.

Watching out the window, Levi tried to ignore the Commander’s voice as he flapped his mouth yet again about how he expected them all to behave. Outside the carriage the whole city had a palpable commercial pulse, beating in time to the feet of the people bustling and clamouring in and around the myriad shops and businesses.

Amongst the sea of bodies and faces were women who to the uninitiated eye appeared to be merely loitering outside small businesses, perhaps waiting for a carriage or an acquaintance. But having grown up in a brothel, Levi could easily recognise even the high-class prostitutes of the capital city, able to distinguish them out from the crowd. Women whose faces were painted in a mock of allure, voicing the words and signalling body language that called to the ego of men.

One woman in particular was approached by a man in his fifties; a fat, squat little bloke dressed in expensive-looking tweeds. She tittered beguilingly at him and stared with fluttering eyelashes, while he acted the gentleman and began to escort her to his waiting carriage.

The Commander’s speech faded from his ears as he considered the scene playing out before him.

She was prey. He was prey. Hunters hunting hunters. Lost souls searching for connection. Liaisons resulting in false kinship, paying to feel attached just for one hour. Her body and words mere tools, used with seasoned and automatic artisan skill. Levi wondered if all the while on the job her mind would be far away, perhaps on the eyes of a child from whom she hid this sordid life; selling her dignity so he would never have to. Or perhaps she genuinely enjoyed her work. He knew of some whores who had done; it seemed sensible to at least try and enjoy your chosen profession. Though, he supposed, who actually did the choosing was another matter entirely.

While this woman was using her charms to seduce a rich man into emptying his pockets, tonight something similar would be expected of all the men in the carriage. Particularly of Erwin. Levi was under no false illusions that this night would find his lover in another’s bed. It was something Levi had been trying hard to come to terms with of late, and although disquieted by the idea of Erwin in someone else’s arms, he was as sure as he could be that it wasn’t really what the blonde wanted for himself any more. He had said often enough that he hadn’t been able to reach climax with anyone else for a long time, and certainly demonstrated no lasting emotional attachment after any of his forays. That should have made Levi feel better about what Erwin’s dick would be getting up to later, but it didn’t. Instead he just felt wretched for the man.

And while Erwin would be busy between someone’s legs, the rest of them were expected to perform like exotic animals at a circus, all the while watching these rich fucks posture their vanity and demand them to risk their comrades’ lives procuring unnecessary luxuries from beyond the walls, all the while having to listen to them disseminate their lies about the undeserving poor who lived in perpetual darkness beneath their feet. Levi’s lip began to curl and he nearly let out a growl of pure disgust. But then he was snapped out of his reverie by the coach stopping. While Mike and Shadis quickly jumped out to stretch their over-long legs, Erwin sat and watched Levi quietly, raising an eyebrow.

 _Are you alright?_ It asked.

Levi nodded and disembarked with the others.

~~~~

The fundraising ball was well underway in the fat Count’s palatial home in Mitras. Erwin was nursing an excellent glass of red wine, and was impressing a noblewoman with his knowledge of wine tasting.

Levi looked over at him and mouthed, ‘ _Don’t forget, use ALL your senses_ ,’ and Erwin had to choke back a laugh at seeing Levi swirl a finger in the air.

The glittering, teeming court was once again full of intrigues. In contrast to the physicality of the struggle of the Survey Corps against the titans, the war these aristocrats fought was a social one, a constant battle to outdo and impress each other with their wealth, fake virtue and piety.

After engaging in a few dances with the ladies and some posturing of his own with the gentlemen, Erwin excused himself to see if he could find any of his comrades. By a table of fruit, Levi was entertaining a small group of nobles with one of his sleight of hand tricks that never failed to entertain Erwin when he saw it. The man seemed to have innumerable adaptations to the trick. It was a wonderful display of Levi’s ability to misdirect and manage an audience, as well as a show of his manual dexterity.

He was using opaque cups and grapes, lifting the cups in sequence and surprising the audience when a grape kept appearing where it was least expected. Finally, on lifting the last cup at the end of the trick, where the audience were expecting to perhaps again see a grape, Levi lifted the cup to reveal an orange, and the crowd burst into simultaneous applause and laughter, delighted at having being deceived.

Then, Levi repeated the ruse with transparent glasses, claiming that this time he it was to show them how it was done. However, as part of the performance, he moved so fast as to make it difficult to follow and it still looked like the grape was vanishing and jumping to a completely different glass. Even having seen it many times, and having requested Levi do it repeatedly, Erwin was still hoodwinked every time.

Later on, Erwin overheard him discussing poker with one of the gentlemen. Mister Von Meyer was not a member of the aristocracy, but had amassed vast wealth through cunning and rather intelligent choices. He had stocks in trade, fingers in every pie, numerous royal offices in the King’s service and collected stipends from multiple parishes in some of the wealthiest areas in Sina. He undoubtedly had spies in every noble household in the land and was a man Erwin wanted on his side. This was one of the richest men within the Walls, despite having come from new money and being looked down on for it by the great men of the land. He was by reputation an excellent card player, but perhaps in Levi he may have met his match. Not willing to place a bet on it though, Erwin threw Levi a look that told him under no circumstances was he to start engaging in gambling at such a high-end (and unlicensed) event. In return, Levi flipped him a finger, unnoticed by Von Meyer.

The least welcome member of the party caused Erwin’s hackles to rise on catching sight of him. Arco was in attendance with his wife, a timid looking thing who kept her eyes firmly cast down on the floor. On the lord’s fat wrist was Erwin’s father’s watch. It was out of keeping with the rest of the man’s tawdy bejewelled clothing. Even his hat and shoes sparkled with gems. No, the plain watch had been worn simply to anger Erwin, who Arco knew would be there.

Even more shocking than seeing one of the only items he’d inherited from his father on another man's wrist, Levi had made an approach and was now giving an unusually familiar two-handed handshake to Lord Arco. Erwin bristled, frozen to the spot with disbelief. Why was he brown-nosing with him of all people? How could he even bear to touch him? It took all of Erwin’s considerable self-control not to wrench Levi away from this terrible human-being and kick Arco repeatedly in the nuts.

“Thank you for showing me the error of my ways. Truly, I am grateful beyond words.” Levi exhorted, pumping the man’s arm up and down with vigour and enthusiasm that rendered both Erwin and Arco equally mute with shock. Humanity’s Strongest continued in an ingratiating monologue where he quite frankly said very little except repeatedly express his gratitude and speak rather aimlessly about how he had planned a detailed programme of self-improvement which Erwin knew to be total baloney.

Arco looked as stunned as Erwin, eyes wide and fixed on Levi’s face as he gushed his thanks and praise for nearly a full minute, “I’m pleased to hear it Captain. Now, if you will excuse me-” he wrenched his arm from Levi’s grip and pulled his wife away into the crowd. Once Arco’s back was turned, Levi’s expression immediately resumed its usual blank and stoical appearance, and he shoved his hand into his inner breast pocket briefly before slinking off in the other direction.

What the fuck was that about?

He didn’t get to ask Levi in person, for once again, the Countess brushed past him, obliging him to ask the hostess for yet another dance. He had long guessed where tonight might lead; only a few months ago, Erwin would have been ecstatically excited to jump into bed with such a beautiful, young woman who was clearly in need of a wild night between the sheets. But now, it felt like a chore. Plus, he still needed to get Levi on his own for a few minutes for a frank talk; the other man probably assumed Erwin would give up his debaucherous activities once they’d agreed they were committing themselves to each other, and Erwin had been so deliriously happy that he hadn’t really thought about the realities of what was still expected of him. Erwin dreaded the conversation to come. It wasn’t going to be fun.

~~~

“I don’t know why I agreed to play with you. You always fucking win,” Mike grumbled.

In Mike’s assigned room for the night, the blonde took a swig of the expensive dessert wine that Levi had stolen from the palace kitchens for them to share. It was deeply sweet and sickly; Mike’s favourite. The tall blonde had long convinced himself that deep down he still had a hidden talent for playing card games. However, it seemed so very hidden that even Mike himself hadn’t even seen it yet. But every day he convinced himself that today was the day it was going to make itself known. And once again, Mike was wrong.

Shuffling the deck of cards, Levi fired out two hands, “You agreed to play in order to take my mind off the fact my lover is currently balls deep in some floozy under this very roof.”

“Oh yeah, sorry. Forgot.” Looking at the hand he’d been dealt, Mike felt a surge of hope that he might actually win this round. “And you’re OK about it? I suppose at least it’s a ‘she’ and a rich she at that.”

The short man shrugged, studying his own hand, “It’s not like it’s new behaviour. And he seemed pretty unhappy about it. If I had a childish tantrum about it and told him no, what difference would it make except to make his night even shittier than it already is?”

“I should have offered to fill in for him,” licking across his bared teeth, Mike grinned at the man opposite, who just shook his head in disgust. “Does the fact that it’s a woman make it easier to stomach?”

Throwing a card down, Levi gave a thoughtful look, “I dunno really. Are vaginas cleaner than assholes? At least, I assume it hasn’t been so long that he’s slept with a woman that Erwin’s forgotten how they work and goes for her ass by mistake. I imagine it’s cleaner than with another guy. And I’m almost certain he won’t fuck her and suddenly decide he’s a completely straight man. Maybe if whoever it was in bed with him was really ugly I’d feel less threatened.”

“She is pretty hot,” Mike conceded, earning him a glare from his comrade, “You assume if it were a lord instead of a lady that they would be happy to bottom. Maybe he’d make Erwin bottom.”

It was clear from the change of expression that Levi hadn’t considered that. “Was Erwin really that bad on top when it was you two?”

A swig from his glass of wine, and Mike shook his head, “Nah, we just didn’t know what we were doing, I guess. Is he good now?”

“Mmmm,” Levi made a vague affirmative noise, but a small pleased look lit up his eyes, and the corners of his mouth softened.

“Oh, I see. High praise indeed,” Mike decided now was the time to dig for answers. Nanaba had ordered him to, and had promised to heap rewards on him for dirt on their superior and friend. “So, he doesn’t bottom for you?”

Levi grimaced, “No. Nor would I want him to. I can’t think of anything worse than going near someone’s ass. Even his. Besides, I like what we’re doing. It feels good and it’s my own preference, so I’m hardly going to complain. What’s it to you?”

Mike put up his hands defensively, “Nothing. Just curious is all.”

“I’m sure you let your women get on top sometimes. I bet sometimes you even let them touch your ass. You probably like it.”

He wasn’t going to lie; it did feel good when a woman played with him. “Some of the more adventurous ones do. Usually it’s me doing the ass touching.”

Mike lost the hand. They played a couple more rounds of cards. Mike lost a couple more of rounds of cards. Honestly, between Levi and Nanaba, Mike felt like he hadn’t won a game in years.

It had been an interesting few nights; a change from the usual dull monotony of life at HQ. In particular, it had been interesting to watch the power dynamics at play between Erwin and Shadis this evening. Previously at these events, the Commander would lead and Erwin would be in his shadow, backing up the man and evidencing to those interested that the corps had a glittering future ahead of it yet.

Now, the two men operated independently, but the majority of people flocked to Erwin. And to the man by his side. Levi was quiet, but not in Erwin’s shade. Far from it. The spotlight had turned from the weary Commander over to Erwin and Levi equally. When together, they expressed the same body language, mirroring each other and displaying the same front. It was the clear coalition of two powerful men, who were surreptitiously trying to disrupt other coalitions from forming around them. It was a delicious dynamic.

“Have you met the Duchess yet?” Mike decided it was his turn to deal the cards this time. Perhaps Levi was cheating.

“No, who’s that?”

He shuffled the deck with less skill than Levi, “She must be like 90 years old and thinks Erwin is in love with her. I swear, she’s so old that her vagina is actually haunted by the ghosts of her three long-dead husbands.”

“Ewwww.” Levi actually shivered with distaste. But then he looked up, curious, “Speaking of vaginas, what are they like?”

Mike smacked his lips, “Wet, nice, tasty. They have a great texture and are grippy the whole way down. Not to mention the benefit that they self-lubricate.” Then he made a wiggling gesture with a finger in the air, “And when you turn girls on properly, and rub and lick them right they sometimes even-“

“Stop! That’s enough,” looking slightly puce, Levi held up a hand to halt him. “I don’t need to hear any more,”

Mike let out a deep, rumbling laugh, “You are gay as fuck, aren’t you? Heaven forbid if you are ever the last man alive and Mother Nature is reliant on you to repopulate the human race.”

“Mother Nature made me this way, so it would be unfair of her to complain.”

Sadly, even thoughts of an old lady’s haunted, wet vagina still wasn’t enough to make Levi lose at cards. Mike threw down his hand and gave over the last of his money.

He sighed and looked up at Levi, who was making little stacks out of the coins to count them. Then Levi peered up at the clock. Sure that the other man had no intentions of heading back to Erwin’s room tonight and was unlikely to have any other place to crash, Mike made a gentlemanly offer, “So you wanna sleep here with me tonight?”

Without looking up, Levi smirked, “Is that what I get if I win the next round?”

Unable to stop himself, Mike laughed and showed Levi his empty hands, “It’s all I have left to offer. You took all my fucking money. Either you pick my bed, or you bunk with Shadis.”

“You are impossibly bad at cards. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a lack of talent at anything.”

“I make up for it in strength and agility when I spar with you.”

“Yeah right. You have the reflexes of a fucking statue.” Filling his pockets, Levi stood and nodded at him, “Well as kind as your offer was, and as much as I enjoy being held immovably against your morning wood all night, I’m gonna have to say thanks, but no thanks. I want to be there for Erwin when he gets back,”

Mike’s eyes practically bugged out of his head, “What? Why?”

“Cos if I know him at all, he’s gonna be in a shit state.”

He shook his shaggy hair dubiously, “He’s normally fine. Better than fine. He just got fucking laid.”

“Yeah. Well. Just trust me on this one.” Levi murmured.

Jingling as he walked, Levi left the room to deal with the fallout of Erwin making love to a beautiful rich heiress. Mike looked over at his empty bed, wishing his own lover was here to pamper him after a night of debauchery with someone else.

He sighed. Why did Erwin get all the fun?

~~~~

 _Focus Erwin, focus_!

On the sumptuous bed beneath Erwin lay the most beautiful woman he’d ever lain eyes on. Blonde haired and buxom of breast with a slender waist, the Countess had managed to get Erwin alone in a secluded corner of the ornate gardens at her palatial residence in the Capital, fluttering her eyelashes at him until he could feign no longer that he couldn’t understand what she was looking for.

As a daughter from a quasi-sovereign family, the Countess was an extremely wealthy woman in her own right, as well as through her husband’s immense fortune. The weekly pin money this woman spent on clothing alone would have fed every SC soldier meat for six weeks. And after tonight thanks to Erwin’s endeavours, a not insignificant amount of her wealth would soon end up in the SC accounts.

Leading Erwin by the hand, she had stolen him away from the ball to one of her private suites and almost immediately began undressing him with more than her eyes. Allowing his own hands to wander, Erwin pushed thoughts of his male lover out of his mind, sure that once he felt the soft female form in front of him that he would easily slip into the role of the furtive and handsome uniformed piece of rough she was looking for tonight, and handle the situation with his usual mastery. It was normally one of the perks of the job, and something he had grown accustomed to. Nay, expected.

The beautiful woman’s ancient husband had long been put to bed by his attendants, exhausted from hosting the Ball and Fundraiser that the SC officers had been cordially invited to. Rumour had it that the man had suffered a heart attack after being put to bed with his new wife on their wedding night last year. Now observing the Countess strip off in front of him and seductively sashay her hips across the room, Erwin could understand how such a thing could be more than just a rumour.

Physically as expected, his body had adequately responded. What Erwin hadn’t anticipated was the total emotional numbness that washed over him every time he opened his eyes and they failed to see a fiery dark-haired man as the recipient of his attentions, making it difficult to put his heart into engaging in the act.

The Countess felt nice. Tasted nice. Smelled nice.

But nice was no longer enough it seemed.

It had felt wrong when he’d gone down on her and there weren’t his favourite body parts waiting for him. She was soft and wet, rather than hard and tight. Although Erwin certainly hadn’t forgotten what to do with a woman, he couldn’t summon the gusto he normally could, and when he tried to smile down at her, Erwin could tell his expression was strained and fixed. Eventually he managed to convince her to get onto her hands and knees so that at least she would be facing away from him.

As he thrust away and tried to reach completion, Erwin found that one moment his erection was hard, then soft, then fleetingly hard again. Hopefully the poor woman was used to only being boned by a man who was practically impotent (according to Erwin’s sources at least), so maybe even this piss-poor performance might still satisfy her. If Erwin had been on his back, or in a position where he had to look at his partner’s face, he was sure his dick would have failed to function altogether. So instead he stuck to doggy, kept his eyes shut and let his hands rest as lightly as he could on the woman’s soft skin, which was most unlike his usual encounters at such events. In his experience, the more smiling and eye skin contact there was, the more he could manipulate his partner into a one-sided emotional attachment which would hopefully result in more money, and sometimes even inside information on their husbands.

A few times when he felt himself flag, he would pull out, ostensibly to lavish his oral attentions instead, desperately palming himself and trying to stir his loins. He hadn’t been drinking. Felt fit and well. And this woman was stunningly beautiful.

But she wasn’t who he wanted in bed with him. He thought back to the last and probably strangest conversation he’d ever had with his lover.

_“I have to do this,” Erwin spoke as much to himself as to Levi. They had managed to quietly escape to their room for a few moments to have this most dreaded of conversations. Erwin had spent an inordinate amount of time explaining what was expected of him, while Levi looked on at him in dispassionate silence with his arms crossed, until Erwin ran out of excuses and yet another of his well-prepared speeches came to a stumbling halt._

_The young man sighed, then stepped forward and adjusted Erwin’s officer's sash for him. He straightened out the blonde’s collar and brushed some fluff off the shoulders of his dress tunic. Then he licked his thumbs and flattened the large eyebrows which Erwin had messed up during his stressed monologue to his lover._

_“There, perfect. You look very handsome, Blondie.”_

_Erwin stood in stunned silence, “Levi?”_

_“I don’t need convincing Erwin. I knew this was the deal when I signed up to this-“ Levi gestured between them. “-it’s just business, I get that. Show her a good time.” Then Levi’s lips and eyes curled up into a wicked smirk, “But next time, can you offer your services to Arco’s wife? And his daughters? And his mother? Free of charge if necessary.”_

_Shooting a disapproving glance at Levi for the terrible joke, Erwin said seriously, “You’re incorrigible. I won’t enjoy it, you know.”_

_Sighing, Levi looked up at him from beneath hooded eyes, “I can give you permission to, if you think you need it?”_

_Erwin twiddled his thumbs together, “What if I can’t perform?”_

_“Just close your eyes and think about humanity,” Levi had teased as they’d parted, “And don’t worry about me. I’ll entertain myself in the meantime. Perhaps I’ll head down to the kitchens and admire that butler with the nice ass.”_

_“The one with the weird goatee?”_

_Levi smirked, “I knew you’d noticed him too,”_

_His lover had sent him away with a chaste kiss and a slap to the ass._

Entering the Countess again, he wondered where Levi was staying tonight. And with whom. Closing his eyes, Erwin tried to push the thought away, also ignoring the softness and smoothness of the woman under him, which apparently tonight could do nothing for him. Instead he attempted to replace it in his mind with the memory of a powerful, hard body arching up against him; a tight squeeze around the base of his erection as he bumped and ground hard against the backs of strong thighs; Levi’s heavy cock leaving happy, hot, wet streaks along Erwin’s abdomen as it rubbed between their thrusting bodies. His cock stirred and pulsed, and Erwin let out his first real groan of enjoyment since starting.

Focussed on what he was going to do at the very next opportunity that presented itself, Erwin thought about Levi’s suggestion of some role play together; of tying Levi up and having his wicked way with him whilst enjoying the profanities and throaty cries the man made as he was held down and fucked. He let out a low keen as he remembered the feeling of Levi’s warm cum splattering on him when he’d masturbated on Erwin’s lap, and the expression on the young man’s face as he watched himself marking his territory. Erwin grunted in pleasure and tried to imagine he was rubbing his hardness against the inside of Levi’s pelvic bone where his sweet spot lay. God it always felt so good to feel the little gland swell against him as it was stroked and petted. Truly, his cock belonged inside-

“Levi,” he groaned.

His eyes shot open at the error and he felt his erection soften in his panic, but luckily the sound was drowned out by a moan of pleasure from the woman under him.

Focus. He chided himself. There was no point in going through all this to just do a half-assed job.

But half-assed it was.

At the end of the arrangement, after some rather rigid cuddling, saying goodnight and declaring that it had of course been the greatest night of his life, Erwin trudged back to his own bed, sure that he was never being invited back for a repeat performance. There was no way the Countess had failed to notice the distinct lack of his own contribution to the wetness between her thighs. And although he felt he’d given her something of what she wanted, bringing her to orgasm with his mouth and making the appropriate face and body language necessary at the point when he ought to be reaching his own, Erwin wasn’t convinced that the Countess had been in any way fooled.

Standing outside his assigned room for the night in the great palace, Erwin rested his forehead against the door, closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

Damn it.

He stepped into the room, expecting to wallow alone in his misery tonight. But as always, Levi was quite the most unpredictable man he’d ever met. For there he sat, fully dressed but for his jacket slung on the bed, waiting patiently at the table playing a solitary card game.

The room smelled of lavender and rose water, and was heavy with warm steamy air; there must be a hot bath waiting for him. Levi stood, giving him an almost unreadable expression. Soft, yet hesitant.

In that moment, a swell of affection grew in Erwin’s chest and bubbled out as a warm smile that reached his eyes. Erwin crossed the room to envelop his lover into his arms for the comfort it would bring him, but he paused mid-stride and stood stiffly.

Levi didn’t touch dirty things, he reminded himself. Erwin was sullied. Unclean. Levi would not want to be held by him. He needed to get clean.

Erwin looked down at himself. He certainly looked clean. His clothes were pristine. But still, he felt tainted by tonight’s experience in a way he never had before. He itched to cleanse himself of how he’d defiled his body; the body he shared with his lover. It made him wonder if this was how Levi felt much of the time.

“I’ve drawn you a bath,” Levi offered quietly, clearly equally unsure how to manage the situation. The younger man was rolling up his sleeves as he spoke, then took off his boots and socks and rolled up his trouser legs. “Would you like to have a quick rinse in the shower first?”

“Yeah,” Erwin let out a long sigh and combed a hand through his hair.

A thorough wash off first sounded great. He didn’t want to mire in this filth.

As he undressed, he suddenly felt compelled to get his clothes off as quickly as possible. In his hasty compulsion to get clean, Erwin turned the faucet up to its highest temperature, and suddenly he was standing under a scalding hot spray that even Levi would have struggled to tolerate. Like never before Erwin needed to get the scent of the perfume off his skin, rid himself of the wetness that remained sticky and drying on his nether regions and wash away the shame of his infidelity. And as he scrubbed himself raw with his nail brush, the physical evidence washed down the drain, but the emotional filth he felt remained under his skin, no amount scrubbing capable of removing its tarnish.

He scoured his back, his groin, his genitals. Under his nails, his hair, his chest. He brushed his teeth and rinsed out his mouth with the water over and over and over and-

“Erwin,” Levi’s voice was soft. He’d been watching; understanding plain on his face. Levi reached in and turned off the water, removing the soap and sharp brush from Erwin’s shaky grip and replacing them with his own hands. Not once breaking eye contact, he guided Erwin out from the shower and towards the drawn and waiting bath. Slowly Levi directed Erwin into the bathtub and bade him sit down. Then Levi knelt and picked up the soap and wash cloth.

Levi’s hands did what his own could not. In silence, they laved attention on his body and through his hair; gently, lovingly, considerately. With tenderness Erwin felt he didn’t deserve they drew the soft wet facecloth across his brows, cheekbones and jaw line. With forbearance and forgiveness and absolution they expunged his guilt. By the time Levi stopped to admire his handiwork, arms wet where they rested on the side of the bathtub, Erwin felt his sense of calm and cleanliness restored. He felt his face crinkle into a smile, which Levi mirrored.

There was no part of him that Levi’s hands had failed to touch.

Levi wouldn’t have touched him if he were dirty, he reminded himself. Levi didn’t touch dirty things.

The dark haired man stood and retrieved the fluffiest whitest towel Erwin had ever seen, holding it out and nodding his head to indicate it was time to get out. He dried himself for expediency, as Levi emptied and cleaned the bath.

“Let’s go to bed,” Levi suggested. “Do you want to wear pyjamas?”

“Yeah. And socks.”

“They’re waiting on the bed,”

As Erwin dressed for sleep, Levi folded up Erwin’s dress uniform and put it in a bag to wash it when they got home. Then he approached the bed with his own pyjamas, stripped off and tugged the ill-fitting garment over his head. It was way too big for him. For the last few years, Erwin had indulged in civilian nightwear which wasn’t made of the crude and rough material used in the corps. Yes it was resilient, and could withstand a lot of rough treatment, but it was abrasive and coarse. Levi still used the standard issue military nightwear, having never owned any prior to recruitment. Next time they were in town, Erwin decided he was going to splash out and get Levi his own sets of pyjamas. Maybe a good quality cotton. Or satin.

But tonight, the material didn’t matter. As strong little arms wrapped around him from behind and a little nose settled against the back of his head, Erwin let himself relax against Levi’s chest, both men lying on their sides spooning. This man was made of different stuff to himself; was tough and durable and could mold to his circumstances without losing himself in the process. He was true, loyal and kept his word. The man had woven himself so intricately into Erwin’s life that if he disappeared, Erwin wondered if his whole charade would unravel. Would he would ever recover from such a loss? Or be left a heart-broken shell of the man he’d become?

Over the months they had spent together, Erwin had grown to become a man he liked more, and somehow, Levi was able to reflect Erwin’s real self back at him with more clarity than he’d ever known possible. He didn’t always like what he saw, but Levi seemed to. There were still things that Levi didn’t know about him, though. And maybe never would.

Gripping Levi’s arm tighter around himself, Erwin said quietly, “I wasn’t expecting to see you here. I wondered if you would end up seducing that butler tonight,”

A laugh was snorted into his neck, “Fuck off, Erwin.” Levi paused, “You can’t be serious? You thought I’d hop into someone else’s bed at the first opportunity just to get some weird type of revenge against you?”

But Erwin had been serious. He had honestly thought that Levi would seek retribution of sorts in the arms of another man that night, and rather than feel jealous or angry about it, the thought had greatly upset him. At one point during sex with the Countess, he had nearly had to hold back tears at the idea of Levi being held by someone else. Relief washed over him at Levi’s incredulous tone and reassurances.

Warm breaths tickled the back of Erwin’s neck as Levi murmured, “Even if I wanted revenge –which I don’t- that certainly wouldn’t be the way I’d go about it. Anyway, I’m not the vengeful sort. There’s only one man for me.” Slim lips kissed where Erwin’s neck met his shoulder, “Even though he can be a fucking idiot sometimes.”

“Thank you,” Erwin whispered.

“Go to sleep,”

~~~~

Their carriage home had been booked for early in the morning. It would take over a week to get back to HQ, and Erwin was itching to go, dreading bidding goodbye to their hostess. A servant pushing a cart with a breakfast spread on it had entered their bedroom without knocking, as was usual for a member of a demographic of society who were meant to be seen and not heard. Erwin was grateful that they had both been fully dressed in the bed, lest word got around that the two soldiers had lain naked in bed together after imbibing a lot of alcohol. Levi had been horrified at the breach of privacy and the demeanour of the girl delivering the food, having never encountered such subservient behaviour before.

After washing and having breakfast, Levi stripped the bed. On returning to fetch the empty breakfast tray, the serving girl’s eyes had widened in shock as she watched her master’s guest doing menial work.

“Sir, stop! I will do it. You needn’t bother yourself,” the girl wrung her hands and fretted around him.

“He enjoys it,” Erwin smiled at her, and her eyes swung down to the floor.

“Here,” Levi flicked her a coin, “Thanks for breakfast,”

The girl caught the coin and stared at it in awe. “I mustn’t,”

“You must.” There was no room for arguing in his tone. She made to curtsy and Levi gestured her to stop and waved her out of the room. The girl practically skipped out the door in glee, empty breakfast tray wheeled in front of her.

It was common for Levi to toss coins to beggars or scruffy children on the road; the man seemed to be unable to pass anyone in need without doing so. Still, Erwin had spotted that Levi had quite a lot of money on his person, and wondered where exactly it had come from. If he had gambled with Von Meyer last night, they would be having words.

With Levi busying himself, Erwin made to help. He too was told to desist, “I’ll pack, you go say goodbye to the Countess. I’ll see you at the carriage.”

Later, as Erwin left the manicured gardens and rounded the corner of the palace after bidding a furtive, private goodbye to the Countess (who seemed to be completely ignorant of how shambolic his performance the night before had really been), he entered a heated encounter between his Commander and one of the lords who had been on last night’s guest list.

“-probably siphoning the money off into your own pockets, buying drugs and booze for the criminals you recruit into your shambles of a regiment!” A squat fat man was leering up at Shadis, attempting to incite him to anger. Erwin recognised him at once.

Lord Stein had apparently not gone to bed, and had instead continued drinking all night. He was now utterly trashed and hardly able to stand, yet had still managed to drag his obese frame to the carriage waiting to take the soldiers back to the Survey Corps HQ in order to hurl abuse at them. Lady Stein stood behind him, clearly embarrassed at his drunken fighting with the riff-raff.

Fists clenched and eyebrows furrowed deeply, Shadis was trying hard to master himself and not engage in an argument with a potential funder. Levi however, had zero interest in the man’s money or status. Clearly rankled at the slight to his comrades, Levi joined in the debate and snorted, “You seriously think that?”

“I’ve heard rumours that the corps doesn’t actually ever leave the Walls, let alone fell titans. It’s all a pretence.” Stein sneered, trying to provoke a response.

Anger flashed cross Levi’s eyes, “You’re welcome to join on our next expedition and see for yourself you fucking prat. You can even bring your fat lump of a horse over there to haul your enormous backside around the battlefield. You can have a front row seat and ride alongside me on the front line; get a piece of the action for yourself.” Flourishing his middle finger, Levi turned on his heels and headed towards their waiting coach.

Face puffing up like a red balloon, Lord Stein, wheezed as he ran angrily after him, spitting saliva as he ranted, “I am of the highest rank of the nobility. You cannot address me like that, you- you sewer rat!”

Levi did a 180 back around to look him straight in the eye, the iciness of the gaze causing Stein to squeak in fear and dart around to cower behind his rake-thin wife.

Despite Levi’s small stature, people could always sense something inherently dangerous about the rogue from the Underground; perhaps it was just his fearsome and mysterious reputation preceding him, or maybe it was the quietly confident and crisp purpose that he moved with and expressed himself by. A shiver ran through Erwin at how he himself was supposed to come to a horrible, messy end by this man’s hands. Then he supressed a happy grin as he thought about how his supposed-assassin had changed his mind, and chosen to use his talents to bring Erwin to many rather more fun messy ends instead.

Levi gave a reverent nod at Stein, “You are right. I'm sorry."

Stein gave a smug smirk and stepped out from behind his wife, ready to receive Levi's apology.

"You are a fucking prat, my lord.” Then, sweeping a perfectly executed, deeper courtly bow that Erwin hadn’t known Levi capable of, the thief stepped away and into the carriage. The three other soldiers tried to keep straight faces as they saluted before also climbing into the coach. Once all were inside, Levi pulled the cord, signalling to the driver that they were ready to embark.

“Bravo,” Shadis lauded, giving a slow clap, “You do have a pair of brass balls, don’t you Levi?”

“I don’t care for rank,” he sniffed.

“Don’t I know it,” The Commander shook his head and sighed, crossing his legs, “Well, I guess that’s one lord we no longer need to pander to for funds.”

“Eh, he was a lost cause anyway. You were never going to convince him that those crazy conspiracies are pure nonsense.”

Humming in agreement, Shadis said, “You know, I was stupid in thinking we could clothe your belligerence in sophistication simply with a nice dress uniform. I was wrong, but perhaps it’s no bad thing for some of these aristocrats to hear the truth from time to time. They’re too far removed from reality. And who better to remind them than someone the whole world seems to adulate.”

Rolling his eyes, Levi scoffed, “Tccchh, they fucking shouldn’t,”

Once the carriage was well on its way and they headed beyond the Mitras suburbs into the pleasantly quiet countryside of Wall Sina, Erwin finally let himself relax. He still felt exhausted. How he was looking forward to more sleep. Mike and Shadis had already succumbed to their hangovers, heads leaning against the cushioned walls of the fancy carriage and snoring loudly.

The swaying of the gig was soothing, and Erwin was just been drifting off to sleep himself when Levi’s voice startled him awake, “Here,” Levi was leaning forward, holding a metal object in one hand. It was his father’s watch.

Eyes goggling, Erwin was now fully alert, hands shaking as he reached out to take it, “Levi, how did you-?”

“Got it while shaking his hand.” Levi smirked. “All those years of pickpocketing really paid off.”

He fell to his knees in front of Levi and crushed him to himself in a bear hug, “Indeed,” he felt his eyes swim with tears at being reunited with the watch. “Thank you. I don’t think you know how much this means to me.”

“Really? I think I do. I noticed you weren’t wearing it when you visited me in the San after my tête-à-tête with the MP. When I saw it wasn’t where you normally keep it in your drawer either, I was going to ask you about it. Then tonight I clocked it on Arco’s fat wrist.” He smacked Erwin in the shoulder, “I didn’t realise you’d traded it to keep me safe, you fuckwit. Why didn’t you tell me he had taken it from you?”

Elated at having a piece of his father back, Erwin examined the watch for any scratches, “It was a small price to pay, after what you’d been through for my sake. My father wouldn’t have wanted me keeping a worthless trinket instead of protecting you.”

Erwin’s hands shook too hard to put the watch back on.

“Here,” Levi fingered the clasp, “let me.”

As he was reunited with his father’s wrist watch, Erwin stroked Levi’s hands, “I love these magic fingers.”

“Yeah you do. Do I get a reward?”

He whispered in Levi’s ear in case either of their two co-passengers overheard him, “I have something really special planned. You’ll just have to be patient,”

“Hmmm. Alright. Good things are worth waiting for.”

Sitting back in his seat, Erwin traced a fingertip around the face of the watch, twiddling with the dial even though the time was accurate. He wondered when Arco would notice it missing. He could sense Levi watching him and looked up again to give one last smile before settling back for a nap, hand firmly clutching the watch on his wrist tightly to himself. One of Levi’s feet rested against his own in a subtle comforting gesture.

For once, all was right in the world.


	22. Das Auge sieht weit, der Verstand noch weiter.

With a few flattering words from the stroke of his pen, Erwin had succeeded in obtaining funding from a wealthy connection in Mitras for Levi to have his own dress uniform. Truthfully, he was looking forward to seeing his lover dressed up again. With both of them in tailored formal uniform, they would look a formidable pair at events.

One particularly sunny weekend, a large group of corpsmen headed into town for some retail therapy and well-earned down time. Such visits made a big impact on the small businesses in the area, and in general the townsfolk were pleased at the prospect of separating the soldiers from their cash.

As always, Levi rode at his right hand as they headed out. It was a lovely day, and the countryside showed signs of emerging out of its winter slumber. It had been a while since Erwin had time to go into town, and he was excited to see if there were any good books to add to his collection. Levi had said half-jokingly that he was going to have to buy Erwin more bookshelves just to get the damned books off the floor, in order to make the place tidier and easier to sweep.

Once in town, the soldiers went their separate ways. Some went to buy supplies or luxuries, others headed straight to the well-stocked bar on the main street.

Gelgar walked with Erwin and Levi as far as the tailors shop before heading down a side-street to visit a friend. In the tailors, Erwin sat and watched with amusement as Levi stood rigidly on a low pedestal to be measured, face expressing barely-disguised disgust at the seamster’s hands touching him. It made him feel pleased that only his own touch would elicit something different.

A sudden spring shower had started outside and was pelting hard against the window. A number of mannequins stood in the store front to advertise clothing to passers-by. One of them was wearing a beautiful white suit, probably meant for a high-end event like a wedding. It had been many years since Erwin had thought about weddings and marriages. As far as he was aware, it was uncommon for Survey Corps members to get married- no one wanted a relationship and children with someone who had a thirty percent chance of being dead within three years.

 _Levi would look good in it though_ , Erwin thought, picturing the man in a tux. Suddenly, he himself appeared in the mental image beside Levi, wearing a matching suit, and the younger man was gazing up at him in adoration as church bells sounded in the background, and flower petals rained over them. 

Erwin shook his head. _Stop it_ , he admonished himself, the imaginary bells in his head abruptly ceasing their clanging. It simply would never be a possibility, and therefore there was no point in dwelling on such ideas. The world was an ugly mess, and such thoughts would only waste his time and distract him from his life’s mission.

Erwin forced himself to stop daydreaming and turned his eyes away from the mannequin to some of the wares in the shop available to buy that weren’t specifically tailored. He had already ordered some good quality pyjamas for Levi; it would be nice on the colder nights to hold him wearing something that felt luxuriant. He loved buying Levi gifts; he never asked for things, but was always very pleased to receive them. A white polo-necked jumper hanging neatly on its own caught his eye. When he walked over and touched it, the softness was pleasing. He wondered how it would look on Levi. It certainly wasn’t something Levi would buy for himself; it was simply too extravagant a purchase. Erwin allowed himself to imagine holding Levi while he was wearing the jumper. Hard muscles encased in softness.

“I’ve finished your other orders, Captain,” he heard the tailor comment behind him as he finished measuring up the grumpy-looking Captain. “Would you like to try any of them on?”

“Yes,” Levi replied gruffly, still looking unhappy at being touched.

“Has my order come in?” Erwin enquired when the tailor left the dressing room to give Levi some privacy to change. The rain outside had stopped, and the sun had reappeared.

“Yes sir, right here,” the man handed Erwin a neatly wrapped package.

Stuffing it into his bag before Levi could see it, Erwin’s head swung round so he could admire his partner as he emerged from the dressing room in brand new clothes, this morning’s outfit neatly folded away in his rucksack.

He was wearing an off-white, long-sleeved, V-neck tucked into well fitted grey pants with a black leather belt. His shoes matched and were clearly of high quality; they would last a long time with the way Levi looked after his things. The outfit hugged his narrow waist and showed off his relatively much wider shoulders. His collar bones were tantalisingly visible. And when Levi overtook him as they strode out of the store and away down the now sunny street to the book shop, Erwin had to work hard to tear his eyes away from the curve of Levi’s manly little ass through the fabric. Erwin’s mouth felt a little dry, and he had to avert his gaze after staring overlong.

“Saw something you liked in there?” Levi asked him.

Blushing slightly pink, Erwin murmured quietly, “Was I that obvious?”

An angular eyebrow raised and Levi cocked his head to peer up at him, “You said you needed new socks?”

Oh.

Face flushing a little more, Erwin gave a nervous laugh, “Uh, no. I forgot to look. I like how you mend the ones I have anyway. They’re always like new after.” He fingered gently at the collar of the new shirt. “I like this. It suits you.”

Stopping outside the bookshop, Levi turned to face him and smirked. “I know how much you love seeing my neck. If you are really good, I’ll let you take it off later to get an even better look.”

It _was_ a real weakness of his. Trying to not leave hickeys and red marks was difficult when they lay together. He would have liked to be able to mark-up Levi’s neck for the world to see. Inner thighs on the other hand were Erwin’s alone to admire, and were thus fair game.

Suddenly, the expression on Levi’s face changed. His lips parted slightly as he stared wide-eyed at something over Erwin’s shoulder. He turned to see for himself what Levi was looking at, gaze scanning around. Nothing. The street was quiet and empty.

“What are you looking at?”

“What is _that_?” Levi was now pointing up over the horizon. Again, Erwin looked and failed to see what exactly had captured Levi’s attention.

“I’m not sure what you are pointing at.”

Levi looked scornful, “That? The big colourful thing in the sky?”

Oh. Erwin looked up again. There it was. A bright arch which had completely escaped his attention. It was so normal to him, he hadn’t even perceived it. When had he last appreciated one? As a child, maybe?

“It’s called a rainbow,” he explained, “it happens when it rains between you and the sun. The sunlight scatters in the raindrops and you can see all the colours.”

“It’s amazing.” Levi looked mesmerised, all movement arrested. “Come to think of it, I’ve read about them in that weather book of yours, though it only had black and white drawings of one. I never….. I never imagined it would look like this.”

Erwin felt his eyes soften as he watched Levi staring at the meteorological marvel; it _was_ beautiful. Perhaps he had gotten too beaten down by life’s cares to consider how beautiful everyday things in the world could be. He’d been so busy and distracted for such a long time, so focussed on the ugly and wrong in the world.

 _Father would have noticed_ , Erwin thought to himself. He had always tried to teach Erwin to appreciate the natural world around them. To have the time. To make the time. There should _always_ be time for such things.

He continued to observe Levi’s face, at how this young man perceived the things around him with such awe. It was yet again another realisation that he spent too long missing out on the simple things in life for the sake of his father’s dream and humanity. Perhaps sometimes there _was_ merit in wondering over the beauty and happiness that could be found in this world and not just dwelling on the grotesque and the terrible. Such things could give him something to draw strength from, when there was no longer a single drop left within himself.

“It’s beautiful,” he heard Levi whisper.

“Yes,” Erwin agreed, not looking away from Levi. “Yes it is.”

~~~~

Spring was in now full swing, and with it came the myriad manifestations of the season in change. One moment the sky would pelt rain or hail at the ground, and next the clouds would clear and leave stunning blue skies. Some days were mild and pleasant. Others not so much.

Trudging back into the entrance hall after what felt like a particularly long night on sentry, Levi wrung out his cloak and shook his feet in an attempt to rid his boots of water. A storm was raging outside, and it made last night’s duty even less fun than usual. Having been buffeted about by blustering winds all night around the HQ perimeter, and pelted with ice-cold rain, the slight man was soaked to the skin and looking forward to sitting in front of a fire in dry clothes. Slicking back his wet hair, Levi headed up to go to his own room and start the slow process of lighting a fire and warming up his room. But as he passed Erwin’s quarters, he was surprised to see a sliver of light shining out around the door frame into the dark hall.

“Erwin?” He announced as he opened the door. Despite the early hour, Erwin was awake at his desk and penning something, uniform from the day before still pristine. “Have you been awake all night?”

“I needed to get these written to be sent as soon as possible.” Brandishing what appeared to be his final letter, Erwin slid it into an envelope and set it with the others in a neat pile on the desk, sighing in relief at having finished. “I’ll ask Fritz to deliver them when he gets here first thing in the morning.”

Walking over, Levi scrutinised the stationery piled on the table. The envelopes were of high quality, indicating Erwin was trying to impress someone in the upper echelons of society. “Where’s it going?”

Erwin was looking at where small puddles were forming behind Levi from his sodden cloak dripping water all across the floor, “It just needs to get to the post master in town,”

Stepping forward further and creating even more puddles as he did, Levi reached for the letters, “I might as well take them now. I’m already as wet as it’s possible to be. No point in anyone else catching their death too. If I set off now, I should be there by the time the office opens, so they can be sent ASAP. Eppler will only get there by midday at the earliest.”

Clearly torn between letting Levi proceed and feeling bad about him being cold and wet, Erwin enquired, “Are you sure? Aren’t you tired and cold?”

“I don’t feel like going to bed,” It was a lie, but he would prefer Eppler to handle as little of Erwin’s correspondence as possible.

Still looking unsure, Erwin enclosed the letters in a watertight leather bag and handed them over, “Alright, if you insist.”

As Levi entered the stables to fetch his horse, the mare gave him a dark look, “Sorry girl,” he rubbed her nose to placate her and fished out a carrot. Saddling her up and putting on some sturdy gloves, they were soon out on the muddy road. It was still early but the sun had started to peek out on the horizon. Blanketed as it was in clouds however, it was still very much twilight. Still, the dim light helped them navigate around the particularly deep puddles and fallen branches littering the road which the storm had battered down. Blisteringly harsh wind fired icy rain across his face. It felt like tiny shards of ice slicing his skin and soon he lost all feeling in his hands and feet. Despite the conditions he enjoyed being on the road, just himself and his horse.

The post master was surprised to see someone from the HQ so early. He recognised Captain Levi at once and shouted to his wife that they had a guest for breakfast. Handing over the bag of letters and initially declining the offer, Levi found himself being ushered in by the post master’s insistent wife to stand beside the roaring drawing room fire. A hot cup of milky, sweet tea was pressed into his hands. In contrast to the chill in his fingers, the mug felt way too hot, and he ended up having to actually use the handle for once. It was gratefully gulped down, although Levi made it politely clear that he couldn’t sit in the expensive-looking upholstered chair being offered him, or he would soak the thing. Once he had downed the scalding hot drink, he thanked the couple and hauled himself back onto his mare. His soaked woollen cloak held onto every goddamned drop of rainwater that fell on him, and the heavy material whipped around him uncomfortably as he headed back.

The corps horses never ran faster than when they knew they were headed home, and the mare knew her way back even without Levi directing her. In record time they were back in the HQ courtyard, and the horse made a beeline for the stables.

“Good girl.” She was hot and covered in sweat, but without a proper wash down, food and a blanket the horse would eventually get chilled and unwell. As Levi worked to get her washed down, the wind battered at the wooden stable door, trying to bash it in. It was unsettling the other horses, which began whinnying and tossing their heads.

With profoundly numb hands it took considerable time to unbuckle the mare’s saddle, get her washed and brushed, and then get her nosebag attached. While he was there, he also took the opportunity to brush off his own muddy boots with the bristled brush as best he could. Once the mare was petted and fed, Levi trudged back indoors. Standing in the entrance hall, he took a quick look around to make sure no one was watching, then shook off excess water from head to foot like a wet dog. He had planned to head back to his own room to get dry, but his tired mind led him on auto-pilot to Erwin’s door.

“Sorry Erwin,” he said as he entered, immediately turning to leave again on seeing Erwin still busy writing, “I actually meant to go to my room. I’m so tired I must have forgotten my own fucking plan.”

The room was so invitingly warm. Levi sighed as he thought how long it would take to try and light a fire in his cold room with numbed hands. As he made to open the door to go find some fire-lighters, he heard a chair scrape the wooden floor and Erwin spoke, “Stay,” A big hand came over his head and shut the door, then plucked at the wet clothes, “Come and take these off and sit by the fire. I’ll get you a whiskey.”

“Aren’t you busy? Isn’t Eppler coming soon?”

“He’s already doing some errands for me. They might take him a while.” Erwin sent a tentative hand on a sodden shoulder, and he repeated, “Come to the bedroom and take those wet things off by the fire,”

“Did _you_ get any sleep?”

“I caught a couple of hours. Enough until tonight.”

Allowing himself to be pushed into the bedroom, Levi pondered aloud, “Why is the fire in the bedroom still lit? It must be past eleven in the morning.”

Erwin unclipped the soaking cloak from around Levi’s neck and went to hang it to dry in the shower. “Well, I was rather hoping you wouldn’t have an extended trip to town. I figured you would at least report back to me and you deserve to get warm, so I kept it fed.”

“I’m very fucking grateful.” He swiftly peeled off his clothes and folded them for laundry tomorrow. Absolutely caked in mud kicked up by the horse, they would need a thorough wash.

It wasn’t a hot water day, so there was no hope of warming up in the bath. After drying off his skin and wiping a few specks of mud from his face, Levi grabbed a blanket and slung it around his shoulders, then sat cross-legged on the floor directly facing the fire and closed his eyes. He could feel the heat washing over him, the coldness starting to thaw from the outside in. His fingers and toes tingled painfully as they re-awoke.

Arms came around behind him and he was pulled back into Erwin’s solid form, making Levi suddenly realise just how cold he really was. The man’s warmth seeped through Levi’s skin, feeling so hot against him it almost burned. Erwin’s breath on his neck seared like a brand and a shiver travelled through Levi as the warm air made the hairs on the backs of his arms and neck stand upright. His chill was bone-deep and he felt exhaustion wash over him.

“You are _freezing,”_ Erwin said, stating the obvious. “Here,” a glass was pressed into his hand.

He regarded the amber liquid, surprised Erwin was offering it to him so early in the day. Then he shrugged, “Thanks,” and tilted it clumsily up to his lips. It took two goes to down it, then he handed it back. The whiskey burned behind his sternum, and further numbed his tired mind. His teeth, which had stopped chattering hours before, started up again in earnest.

“Once you’re warmer, perhaps you should actually get into bed for a while.” Erwin suggested.

“Mmmmm. Maybe.” Levi winced as his voice actually _slurred_. His eyes wouldn’t open. They felt like they had leaden weights attached to them. Just as the tension in his neck disappeared and he experienced a brief narcoleptic episode, Erwin’s voice jolted him awake.

“Look what I got you,” Erwin’s voice came from behind him, and Levi could hear rustling.

He forced himself to turn his head away from the radiating heat source and crack open his eyes. The room was dark; for some reason, Erwin had pulled the curtains shut. Levi squinted to see exactly what was being shown to him, and raised an eyebrow when he finally made out what Erwin was holding up, “Are those pyjamas? The same as yours?”

“Yes, I thought you might like some good quality ones to wear.”

“They match yours,” Levi stated again, having to work extremely hard to get his numb tongue to enunciate the words properly.

“Uh, yes.” For a second, Erwin looked a bit embarrassed, “I thought you’d like them.”

“I do, you dork.” Levi slowly stood with the blanket held firmly in place around him and ambled over to touch the material. It was so soft. “I just think it’s funny that now we will be now wearing the same thing at night, as well as have matching outfits during the day. Like fucking twins.” The blue cotton was very high quality and the set looked the right size for him.

Blue eyes bright with glee, the blonde held them out, “Can I see them on you?”

Levi yawned and tucked his arm back into the blanket around his shoulders, wanting to return to the fireside, “Sure. I’ll wear them tonight,”

“Can I see them now? Just to see if they fit? Ple-eease?” Erwin had widened his eyes imploringly, and Levi sighed. He was never able to say no when Erwin added the extra ‘ee’s to his pleas.

“Uh, alright.” He tossed the blanket onto the bed and pulled the night wear on. The garments were very fine, and fit well while at the same time had just the right amount of extra space to make them comfortable to sprawl about in bed. They were warm and yet breathed.

Strange. Merely wearing the pyjamas made Levi feel even more tired.

“I’ll help with the buttons,” Erwin offered on seeing him struggle with the lack of sensation still present in his hands. “They suit you. Do you like them?”

“I do. Thank you.” He looked up at the blonde and pulled him down for a kiss. “Really, I truly appreciate it.” Levi was glad to see how pleased Erwin looked. He barely noticed as he was pressed back to sit down on the bed.

~~~~

While Levi was on the road, Erwin looked up from his work every so often to stare out the window at the freezing rain. Grateful to not be out in it himself, he took occasional breaks to add firewood to the bedroom fire and kept the heat in by closing the door.

Knowing it had been at least forty hours since Levi last slept, he had initially planned to order the Captain into bed, but had a suspicion Levi would try to shrug off his concerns and attempt to power on through the remainder of his day without rest.

Erwin looked at the stack of paper work Shadis had given him and sighed. There wouldn’t be time today to tire Levi out with sex. He needed a different plan. Dismissing Eppler to complete some mundane tasks Erwin couldn’t be bothered to do himself, he continued his paper work and waited, certain his partner would swing by before going to change clothes.

When Levi finally appeared at his door just before midday, Erwin took quick measures to keep him in the room, shutting the door and steering the wet and tired man towards the fire. In the end, his ploy to lure Levi into bed for a proper rest succeeded. Seducing him in with the promise of a warm fire, plying him with an extra-large glass of whiskey and then forcing him into nightwear with a glance of his puppy-dog eyes, the man had no fight left in him as he was guided into bed. Ewin grinned. Levi seemed totally oblivious to Erwin’s scheme.

“Get in bed,” With little resistance, he pushed Levi down so he was horizontal and pulled the cover up over him. The man was still freezing to the touch, despite the now swelteringly hot room.

“You planning on warming me up?” Was asked coquettishly.

Unfortunately, as much as Erwin would have liked that to have been part of the plan, he simply had too many plates spinning today, “Sorry no, I have quite a bit to do.” He watched Levi curl up under the covers on the left side of the bed and remembered something he had been meaning to ask for a while.

“Which do you see as your side of the bed?”

Levi’s eyes remained closed as he spoke slowly, “Whaddya you mean ‘my side of the bed?”

“Well, I like to sleep on the left side, and have you on the right by the wall.”

“Hmmm really?” Levi was half-dozing already, words almost garbling, “I hadn’t noticed. Us’lly I just snuffle in wher’ver there’s room around your hulking, great, snoring form.”

“I just like the side away from the wall best,”

Yawning and pulling the cover up over his nose, Levi snorted, “Look, if it means that much to you then I will endeavour to stick to the right side.”

“Thank you, Levi.”

~~~

Ever since Levi’s literacy lessons had come to a natural end months before, Erwin had started to spend more time in the officer’s gym to keep up his conditioning. With so much exercise during ODM and equestrian training, and an almost completely vegetarian diet, Erwin never struggled with maintaining a low body fat, though he was finding it increasingly difficult to maintain muscle mass as he aged. With a young lover to keep happy, Erwin felt the pressure to maintain his appearance. Luckily, Levi made for an excellent gym partner and introduced him to novel ways of keeping flexible and limber.

One night in the boxing ring, two large, muscular blondes had teamed up against a short, reasonably slender man in what looked like a terribly uneven sparring match. At least, it looked unfair if one didn’t know the men involved. The bigger men were having their asses handed to them, although Levi had been kind enough this time to avoid blows above the neck or below the belt. Erwin was quite certain that it was been for Levi’s own benefit; in general he seemed to like keeping Erwin’s face and genitals intact.

Levi grunted his goodbyes to Mike as he once again left defeated, and set about doing some stretches. His head turned towards Erwin, “I’ve been having a look through the books.”

“Oh?” Erwin raised his eyebrows and continued doing sets with a heavy dumbbell, straining as he asked, “You mean the accounts?” He hadn’t known Levi had an interest in number crunching.

“Yes. You know, I’m disappointed. I’ve known shitty gangs with more men, and in stronger financial positions than this joint.” Levi commented as he slid into the splits on the mats, “Granted my financial acumen might not be as good as yours, but even you must see that your effort to funding outcome ratio with those pigs’ fundraisers and mission requests is piss poor.”

It was undeniable, but no one had ever actually voiced the thought out loud before. “What do you suggest as an alternative? May I remind you that as a government-based agency, we must proceed through official channels. I am not running an organised crime syndicate.”

“No,” Levi sounded disappointed, “You’d be good at it, though.”

“Thank you.” Erwin replied, unsure whether this was praise. It felt like it.

“You should advertise.”

“Advertise for more recruits?”

“Maybe publicise is a better word. Publicise me.”

“ _You_?” Erwin repeated, “You want me to promote _you_ to the world?”

“Yes. And yourself. You’re fairly easy on the eye.” The limber man pressed his torso down fully against one leg and reached for his foot.

“And what would we proclaim exactly?” Erwin set his dumbbells back and moved onto tricep curls with a large set of weights.

“Trumpet hope. Give interviews and shit. Peddle merchandise. Bang the drum for the Survey Corps.”

“Interviews with us? Merchandise of us?” He imagined a little Levi doll, complete with a tiny cravat.

Levi shrugged and nodded. “People like to hear about your exploits-“

Erwin raised an eyebrow at him.

“-with the _Titans_ ,” Levi clarified, looking vexed at the blonde. “I read an article in a paper in Mitras where they were trying to theorise my origin story. One source said you dragged me kicking and screaming from the sewers. Another suggested I was a once big-time gang member. And I get letters now.” He added. “From fans. Women, mostly. I get offers for secret rendezvous with them if I happen to be in their area of the world. I’ve even had one offer of marriage.”

“Marriage?” It was hard to hide his disbelief and the possessive jealousy that attempted to creep into his voice.

Levi nodded, “The ladies like you too. Think how many people might buy stuff with your face printed on it? For example, a tea cup or something.”

“No one would buy something like that, Levi.” Erwin set down the weights and started some press ups.

“You’d be surprised. I might buy one, if I didn’t have to sit opposite the real thing all the fucking time.”

Face red from the effort of the push ups, Erwin grinned, “You could sit _on_ it sometime instead, if you like?”

Looking scandalised, Levi turned to check the gym door was actually shut, “Keep your fantasies to when we are sure we’re in private!” He hissed.

Erwin laughed at how easy it was to discompose his lover. Hyping up the Survey Corps was something Erwin had only considered doing with the nobility. It hadn’t occurred to him to do it with the masses. And the idea of plugging vendibles of himself or any of the other soldiers was novel. Perhaps people _would_ buy such things. Certainly in richer parts of their world, people had disposable income and spent it on frivolous little things to decorate their houses with.

Levi pointed to the weight bench, “Want me to spot you on the lifts?”

“Sure.” Deciding to discuss the idea with Shadis at a later date, Erwin looked on in increasing consternation as Levi loaded up the bar with a huge number of rings. “You know I’m not as strong as you. I don’t think I can bench-press that much, Levi.”

“That’s why I’m spotting you.”

Unwilling to back down after one defeat today already, Erwin lay back on the bench and tried to lift the weight from its setting. He managed to get it up with a heave and then gravity brought it swiftly down to his chest. Unfortunately, he then found himself unable to bring it back up.

Now he was trapped under the immensely heavy weight. Levi loomed over him and announced unexpectedly, “I need a better mount,”

“Is that an innuendo, Levi? Or a genuine request for a new horse?” Erwin strained to push the weight up, but it was no good. “Some spotter you are Levi. I’m trapped,”

Levi knelt to look at him upside down and smirked, “I know. And it’s _horses_ , plural. Ideally two geldings with more stamina and endurance than the average Survey Corps mounts.”

“Did you plan this so I had to listen to what you have to say?”

“No, but it seems too good an opportunity to miss out on.” Levi leaned his face in towards Erwin’s neck and inhaled sharply through his nose, “Damn you smell good right now.” Then his face became serious again, “But yes, I want you to consider whether I need new horses.”

Each of their current six hundred horses cost as much as a normal family earned in a lifetime. Bred for their stamina and temperament, and trained to within an inch of their lives, the horses were obedient and held no fear for titans. A soldier was only as good as his mount, and Erwin knew that Levi had been limited by the horses’ ability to endure the ground he wanted to cover.

Over the course of the last mission, Levi had managed to tire out successive horses, requiring them to be rotated on a daily basis. It was important for riders to build up a relationship with their horses so they could read each other’s subtle body language. Having to constantly switch to horses he had never had a chance to ride before hadn’t made Levi’s job any easier. Having a superior breed could improve his performance. However, Erwin was sure that their budget wasn’t going to stretch to purchasing two of a more expensive breed of horse for one soldier, no matter how vital he was. It would be hard to demonstrate an improvement on what Levi could already achieve as he was _already_ highly successful, thus making it difficult to convince Shadis of the benefit to the corps. In addition, Levi would need two horses in case one was out of action. He was undoubtedly right to make such a request, but Erwin couldn’t see what exactly could be done about it.

Regarding him with interest to see what his reaction might be, and knowing that horses weren’t cheap commodities, Levi commented, “Von Meyer has offered to fork out for them.”

“Von Meyer?” As far as Erwin was aware, the man hadn’t made any contributions in the past to the SC. And as with any man, there was no such thing as a free lunch. He once again tried to lift the weight then sagged back down when his arms failed him. “On what provision? What does he want in return?”

Watching hungrily as Erwin’s muscles tensed and flexed, Levi answered, “Potential things he has suggested include partial credit for titans I fell, an interview with a journalist of his choosing once I show results and stud services on occasion if they are stallions. Two horses is a drop in the fucking ocean for him, Erwin. He probably spends more on luxury toilet paper every month.”

Erwin shook his head, “I know people think stallions seem an attractive option but they just aren’t great in the field. If a mare goes into season they go a bit crazed. A gelding would be a better choice.”

Levi gave a devilishly handsome smirk, “Hmmmm, it doesn’t matter to me what they are. I already have the stallion I want.” The dark haired man walked towards Erwin’s feet and out of sight. “But I guess he likes the idea of breeding from the horses I ride. The foals might sell for more if they are the offspring of Humanity’s Strongest’s stallion.”

Staring at the ceiling, Erwin replied, “I’ll have a think about it. I don’t like the idea of being indebted to Von Meyer. I’m only surprised he asked for so little.”

“I can be a good negotiator.” Quietly, almost as if he hoped Erwin didn’t hear him, Levi added, “But I may also have to play a game of cards against him.”

“Levi,” Erwin admonished, trying to lift his head to see him. “With what money? He would see your savings as small change.”

“Well, if I win, I get two horses of my choosing. If I lose I get two horses of my choosing and he gets all of the above plus the sense of self-worth that comes with beating the great Captain Levi at cards.”

Erwin couldn’t help but feel that something was off about the whole affair, “I don’t like the sound of this.”

“Does it help that I don’t think I will lose?”

“Not really. But I will think seriously on the matter.” Two free horses would be a real boon.

He heard Levi’s footsteps walking away towards the exit and Erwin dropped his head back against the bench with a thud,

“Are you leaving me here or-“ Erwin stopped talking when he heard the _snick_ of the gym door being locked. “What are you-“ Then hands were pulling at the hem of his gym shorts.

“Lift your ass,” Levi suggested, yanking Erwin’s shorts down to his knees.

“Levi is this a good-? Hhhnnnn!“ But his breath was stolen as a small nose was buried in his groin and then a hot, wet mouth began playing with his balls. A hand pushed his cock up and out of the way as Levi’s tongue tasted along the skin creases where Erwin’s upper thighs met his belly. “Fuck, Levi.” Levi had _never_ gone down on him without Erwin having first showered. The scent of fresh perspiration must have aroused his attentions.

“Mmmmm?” An audible wet smacking of lips echoed loudly around the room. “You were saying?”

“Nothing,” Erwin replied, mind now blank. He spread his legs further to allow Levi better access. “Absolutely nothing.”

“That’s right,” came the younger man’s pleased-sounding, darkly smooth voice as he pumped a hand around Erwin’s growing hardness. “It’s play time.”

~~~

Later on, after a post-dinner game of cards with Nanaba, Levi found Erwin at his desk poring over a letter and looking rather pleased. He took his seat opposite him, “What’s gotten you looking so chipper, chief?”

“Apart from my treat earlier you mean?”

Levi’s eyes glinted as he purred a reply, “The pleasure was all mine.”

Erwin slid him the letter to read, “We have a request from a Garrison member who wants to transfer to the Survey Corps.”

Snorting in derision, Levi picked up the correspondence to have a read, “What’s the matter with him? Did he hit his head as a child? Or is he just suicidally bored standing on top of the Walls all day every day and worried he might throw himself off them one day in a fit of tedium?” He frowned as he read, then conceded, “I suppose I might feel the same way if I had to stand around all the time doing fuck all.”

In all honesty, Levi struggled to see the point of the Garrison arm even existing. They were the largest branch in the military, and had approximately thirty thousand soldiers too many in Levi’s opinion. They received the most recruits every year, and their soldiers could expect a long life, a nice house in whatever town they lived near, the potential to live a relatively normal family life and a steady income with good retirement benefits. But they seemed to do fuck all. From what he’d heard from Erwin, their commander was a brilliant man, but so monumentally bored of his mundane job that he had rather turned to drink to pass the time. Still, Erwin seemed to think him a good ally.

Erwin flourished a new sheet of paper and dipped his pen tip into the inkwell, waiting a second to allow it to fill the quill, “ _She_ has offered to join, and I am not in the habit of turning down such requests. We need as many bodies on horses as possible.”

Levi cringed at Erwin’s wording, “You already see them as _bodies_ , Erwin?”

Grim-faced, Erwin shrugged and began to scratch out a response, “It hurts less to not get attached,”

Crossing his legs and feeling rather smug, Levi teased, “Well, I guess you royally fucked up when it came to me then, huh?”

Tilting his head in agreement and without looking up from his letter, Erwin chuckled, “You are definitely the exception of a lifetime, rather than the rule.”

Levi sipped his tea, “I should hope so. If this starts happening with every new soldier you recruit I will be very put out.” He watched Erwin scribble a response. “It takes a special kind of madness to willingly join your band of merry misfits.”

Nodding in agreement, Erwin smiled, “Yes, it does. One needs an appetite for taking certain kinds of risks and a desire to push ever forward. Standing idly on top of the Walls for a lifetime staring out at the vast beyond wouldn’t do it for me either. I applaud this soldier for her gumption and want to welcome anyone brave enough to join us on our ventures.”

“Petra Ral.” Levi spoke aloud the name signed at the bottom of the letter. “Been in the Garrison only a month and she’s had enough. Fifteen years old.” He looked up, “Fuck, Erwin. She’s a fucking child.” He thought of Izzy, and how she had been far too young to violently perish, frightened and alone on a wet, muddy battlefield.

“She is a trained soldier,” Erwin reminded him, “and I’m sure she will prove an asset to us.”

Levi harrumphed, “She’ll provide the titans with fresh fodder, you mean?”

Giving the Captain a steady look with those cool blue eyes, Erwin once again demonstrated his potential for utter ruthlessness when it came to finding the truths he so desired, “Sacrifice of the individual must sometimes occur in order to advance humanity as a whole. Who knows, perhaps she will perform admirably and reach old age like Shadis, Mike and I.”

Giving him an exasperated look, Levi reminded him, “You aren’t that fucking old. Once you can’t get it up and have a shiny bald head, _then_ you’re old. Until then, you’re in the prime of life.”

Erwin looked pleased, “I’m glad you think so. I look forward to seeing how you look at my age. You might still look young even then.”

“Tcch,” Levi snorted out a laugh, “assuming that in the meantime I don’t finally get sick to death of all the political bullshit that goes on around here, and decide to willingly jump into a titan’s mouth instead of dealing with one more moment of fucking bureaucracy.”

Not giving any real credence to the threat, Erwin continued to look down as he wrote, “Please don’t do that, Levi. I need you to stay alive to fold my clothes and tidy up after me.”

“Fuck off,” Levi suggested subtly, firing the letter like a Frisbee back across the table at his face.

~~~~

Having compared their schedules several weeks before, the pair had agreed to set aside an evening where there would be no interruptions and no next day early morning start in order to try their first attempt at roleplaying together. As an added bonus, it also happened to be a hot water day. After what had felt like an eternity to Erwin, the night had finally come, and he was beside himself with excitement. He hadn’t seen Levi all day, having woken up alone and then spent a day training with his squad. Looking up at the clock, Erwin knew the punctual man would arrive any minute.

In preparation, Erwin had avoided all forms of sex and self-love for a full week, and was now thoroughly pent up. He had taken special care with his appearance and had even tidied the bedroom to prevent Levi getting distracted by stray piles of books or laundry littering the floor. Although Levi had been the one to voice the idea, Erwin himself had fantasised about the possibility of re-playing out their first encounter ever since they had started growing closer. He had never dreamed that it was something Levi had considered too, and planned on making their first adventure in bed one Levi would want to return to again and again.

Humanity’s Strongest really did deserve a reward for his excellent job on the recent mission, his (mostly) good behaviour at the fundraiser, his tolerance of Erwin’s visit to the countess’s bed and last but certainly not least, for getting his father’s watch back to him.

Hinges squeaking, the door to his office opened and Erwin paused mid-thought at the sight that greeted him. Levi entered smirking at him; he seemed to have really gone all out for this. He was wearing his clothes from the Underground; the same ones Erwin had first seen him in. His purple cape was neatly wrapped around him, remaining open slightly at the side to reveal ODM straps.

He narrowed his grey eyes alluringly at Erwin, “See something you like, Smith?”

“Uh-“

 _Smooth, Smith_ , Erwin thought to himself and swallowed heavily, “Yeah. You look great.” Unable to stop himself Erwin walked forward and tilted Levi’s head up to initiate a deep kiss, engulfing the dark head between both big hands. Levi smelled fresh, as if he had just stepped out of the showers. He had probably frequented the communal showers in preparation before dressing in his own room.

“So-“ Levi looked at him apprehensively after they broke their kiss, “-how exactly do we do this?”

“We should talk about it first. Set some ground rules.” He took Levi by the hand as he spoke and sat them both down on the bed.

“Talk?” Taken-aback, Levi spoke bluntly, “I came here to be fucked.”

An honest laugh erupted from Erwin’s throat, “Yes. You are indeed a man of action, but I just want to ‘set the scene’ as such.”

Tilting his head, Levi gave the blonde a curious look, “I _was_ there, unless you’ve forgotten. I remember how it went down.”

The older man looked at his lover patiently, “I know, but it isn’t necessary to recreate it too faithfully. At least, not this time. I was thinking we could start from when you were cuffed and on your knees. We can pretend that I brought you alone into a room after cuffing you, rather than remain out in the street. So we can just pretend that it’s just us there. And we can forgo the belts. They’ll just be a hassle to work around.”

“Have you brought cuffs?”

Erwin showed him an old shirt that had seen better days, “I’ve been considering using one of my old shirts to bind your wrists. I figured you wouldn’t actually want to wear handcuffs. And it’ll be more comfortable than rope. I wasn’t planning on totally immobilising you.” In any case, Erwin wasn’t entirely sure how Levi would react to being tied with real rope, “Besides, this will be also quicker to take off if we need to stop and there’s no key to accidently lose.”

Levi winced at the thought, “Yeah, there sure would be some fucking awkward questions if we had to get cuffs chopped off me.” He regarded the bed with hooded eyes, “I’m guessing I’ll be face down in doggy?”

“You don’t have to be. I could tie your hands above your head instead and then secure them to the headboard?”

Levi shook his head vehemently, “No, if you had done that at the time I would still have been able to attack you,”

“As I said, it doesn’t have to be completely realistic. Unless you want it to be?”

Shrugging, Levi looked at him uncertainly, “I suppose it doesn’t need to be. I just thought that’s how you would want it.”

Erwin ran his hands appreciatively along Levi’s upper arms, “We will decide together how we want to do it. And if we enjoy it, then when we play another day we can change it up and make it more realistic or alter it slightly if you like.”

“You would want to do it again?”

“Yes, of course. _If_ we enjoy it,” Erwin stood, “Now, let’s get those belts off you.”

Levi joined him and began unbuckling his straps, keeping his eyes firmly on Erwin’s face. The slight shift of his weight from one foot to the other betrayed the excitement that his expressionless face hid well.

“Are you going to be rougher than normal?” The dark-haired man asked.

“No,” Erwin reassured, hands busy, “it’s more that the attitude I convey will be different. I can pretend to be a bit of a bastard like I was at the start, but I don’t want to actually hurt you.” He thought for a few seconds as he assisted with the buckles, “Anything you don’t want?”

Levi shrugged. His inexperience was making him ill at ease with opening up about his desires, “I dunno. What about you?”

Letting out a huff of laughter, Erwin said, “Don’t _actually_ attack me please. Even when you’re tied up I know I’m no match for you,”

“You’re damn right about that.”

Taking the belts and setting them in the wardrobe, Erwin reminded the younger man, “There’s plenty of time to experiment and try all kinds of different things in the future. We don’t need to try them all at once. In fact, I think it would be a bit much.”

“Alright then,” Levi took a minute to stretch as though preparing for a workout, then took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes briefly, “I’m ready.”

“Good. Me too. I’ll bind your wrists at the front. Tell me if it’s too tight.”

Once his wrists were tied, Levi tested their tightness and nodded, then knelt on the floor before Erwin, whose heart rate had soared as their game began.

Forcing his pleased smile away and replacing it with a cool expression, Erwin asked in a deep, stern voice, “What’s your name?”

Levi glared silently up at him, with exactly the same look on his face as when he’d been on his knees in the mud before Erwin; the look of a man who wanted to kill him and escape. In equal parts Erwin found himself turned on and unnerved. His erection had sprung to life, and was gushing pre-cum in a way that it never had before, resulting in the front of his pants sporting a visible wet patch.

“It doesn’t matter,” Erwin glowered down at Levi, heart soaring at having someone to play with after so long, “I’ll get it out of you eventually. My name is Erwin Smith.”

Voice full of spite, Levi sneered at him, “Why the fuck should I give two shits what your name is?”

Erwin lowered his voice, “Because soon you’ll be screaming it.”

Eyes flickering down to the impossible-to-miss bulge in Erwin’s pants, Levi’s expression was one of pure horror, “Keep your cock away from me, you fucking pervert.”

Smirking down at Levi, Erwin took a step forward so his groin was directly in front of the kneeling man.

Unable to stay in character with his favourite part of Erwin only inches away, Levi leaned in further and sniffed Erwin’s crotch. His tongue snaked out and licked at the damp patch at the front of the blonde’s pants, tasting the pre-cum there, licking his lips then looking up into his blue eyes.

At the unexpected erotic action, Erwin’s hips jerked forward involuntarily as his body did something it hadn’t since his early teenaged years. Levi’s eyes darted down briefly to where the wet patch on Erwin’s pants had grown. A deep blush coloured Erwin’s cheeks and he swallowed hard, feeling his power over the situation dwindle at the embarrassing accident.

Levi swallowed hard, working saliva into his mouth and breathing heavily, “Did you just cum in your fucking pants? You _must_ be gagging for it. What, will no one on the surface spread their legs for your ugly mug?”

Schooling his expression back into one of a man in control, Erwin smirked, “I’m just getting warmed up. I’ll just use any wasted cum to grease you up for me,” Erwin slid a hand into black hair and forced Levi’s head back. The slight man growled at him and Erwin shook his head, “Oh no, no, no. If you fight it, you’ll only make it harder for yourself-” he gave Levi a wicked smile, “-and more fun for _me_ ”

Keeping a hand in Levi’s hair, Erwin tugged gently to indicate he should stand, directing Levi to walk backwards until the backs of his knees connected with the mattress. Then pulling Levi’s head back and pushing on Levi’s chest with his other hand, Erwin forced him down flat on the bed and loomed over him grinning. Levi shimmied up the bed to get into a better position and allowed Erwin to secure his hands with the long shirt sleeves to the head board, watching intently as he did so. Quickly pulling off Levi’s boots and pants, Erwin freed his own cum-slicked erection and settled himself between Levi’s legs.

Unexpectedly, Levi reared his head back and spat a glob of saliva straight onto Erwin’s cheek. Shocked at the bold action, Erwin stared down at the rogue now smirking up at him looking very pleased with himself.

“Fuck you,” Levi snarled, looking mischievously pleased with himself.

Excited at the man’s spunk, Erwin wiped Levi’s spit off his cheek with his fingers and made a show of lubricating his cock with it.

“I’m sure your asshole will thank you for your contribution.” He tapped his erection against the inside of Levi’s thigh, “I can’t wait to shove this into your sweet ass.”

At those words Levi stilled and lay back obediently; his eyes were bright with playfulness, and Erwin’s own gaze burned back with high-spirited excitement as he unclipped the purple cloak from around the younger man’s slim neck. The blonde enjoyed the feeling of power building inside him, and had already decided to stay fully dressed in his uniform to project dominance. Levi was rock hard, making Erwin confident he was getting off on this too.

Wetting his lips, Erwin gave his own smirk, “Let’s start with something fun for you,” and pushing Levi’s knees to his chest and diving down, he planted his face into his favourite part of his lover, running the tip of his tongue in gentle circles around his entrance.

“Mother fucker!” Levi swore, but made no real attempt to fight back. “You filthy sonofabitch, what is wrong with you?!”

Erwin grinned into Levi’s ass as he gave some sloppy sucks, knowing that the man was voicing exactly what had been on his mind when Erwin had first suggested the concept of rimming.

“Mmmmm,” he hummed as he worked, stopping for a moment to admire the view, “you seem to be enjoying it well enough. Why not just let me enjoy this and it’ll make it easier for you when we get down to some serious fucking.”

For a while, Levi gave a good show of bucking and straining, pulling on the shirt tying him to the bedposts. When he finally felt the fight leave the younger man, and Levi began to relax and push back against him, Erwin firmed his tongue up into a point and pushed it inside, causing Levi to shriek.

“Erwin!”

 _That’s right_ , he thought as he worked his tongue. _Say my name._

He brought one hand down to massage Levi’s prostate externally with his thumb, rubbing small circles into the firm skin. Up until now, Levi had also been sporting an impressive erection, but with all his focus now on his ass, he was starting to struggle to stay hard. Once he had softened significantly, Erwin decided the timing was right. He reared back up and grabbed the oil from the bedside table, smearing it over his own erection and his fingers.

Plunging them in, Erwin made an involuntary noise of satisfaction. Levi felt great inside; his sweet spot had firmed up nicely, and he was easy to stretch out. It was time.

Stationing himself and giving a few teasing strokes with the head of his oiled cock, Erwin urged his hips forward and slid straight home in one, drawing a sharp breath from the man receiving him. Erwin was about to enquire how Levi was doing, but found his breath stolen from him as his pelvis throbbed and he prematurely ejaculated for the second time.

“Hnnngh-” Erwin did a rather poor job of stifling a groan and pretending nothing had happened. “Are you alright?” He rasped as he came, one hand clumsily undoing the buttons of Levi’s white shirt to expose his chest.

“Huh?” His grey eyes briefly softening at Erwin checking in on him. Levi blinked, clearly aware that the other man had unloaded inside him, “Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” Then with some viciousness he spat, “Get your motherfucking cock out of me you gay cocksucker.”

Erwin smiled darkly down at him, rocked his hips and cooed, “But your body seems so hungry for it; so welcoming. It’s like my dick belongs inside you; it fits so perfectly. Why not just lie back and enjoy it? I know I will.” He placed his hands either side of Levi’s head, the thick, black hair spread out like a dark halo around him on the pillow.

“I can feel how much you are enjoying it,” Levi snapped back at him. “The evidence is dripping out of my ass,”

Erwin groaned. He was far too excited and needed to calm down or he was going to cum again. He’d been inside- what, ten seconds? But that was the moment Levi chose to growl out, “Do you like sticking your fat horse cock in men half your size?”

With a yelp another orgasm was forced from him and Erwin drove his hips forward until he was buried to the root, ejaculating unexpectedly once more and gasping out a shaky breath.

Under him, Levi looked briefly surprised, but managed to stay in character, “Too tight for you to handle, huh? Who’d have thought the Scouts were all such fucking lightweights in bed.”

Quickly trying to keep the scene intact, Erwin retorted with a sharp thrust, knocking the air out of Levi’s bratty lungs, “Oh we are just getting started. I just wanted to show you early on who your new master was.”

He was still rock hard, and tonight it seemed that refractory periods were a foreign concept to his body. The most he had ever come before was three times in a row, and he was sure tonight that he was going to beat that record by a huge margin.

Levi flexed his hips up towards him, entreating him to start moving properly and stop fucking around. He gladly acquiesced, enjoying the feeling of Levi’s entrance twitch around him as he was pummelled, evidence of his excitement from Erwin’s possessive words and tone. The warm passage surrounding him was sloppier after being filled repeatedly with cum, and it felt great as Erwin slid back and forth.

He ran a hand through Levi’s soft, dark locks the way he had wanted to when they first met, taking a hold of the strands at their base and tugging slightly to gently steer Levi’s head to get him to look directly at Erwin. The intent wasn’t to cause pain, just to keep the shock value up; the sensation of implied threat.

At one point, Levi’s expression softened and he tried to lean up for a kiss, and Erwin snatched the younger man’s attention back to their game with a quick smack to his ass, then rubbed where he had hit to soothe it. Erwin’s mouth didn’t know where it wanted to be; everywhere, all at once. Nothing could inflict more arousal and excitement on Levi than clever use of Erwin’s mouth; licking, sucking and biting gently in sequence.

“I’m going to make you cum from just having my cock in your ass.” Speaking constantly seemed to keep Levi’s mind in the game. Erwin allowed his weight to bear down on the slight man, pinning him to the bed as an extension of laying claim to Levi’s fine body. He whispered in Levi’s ear, “I’m going to come inside you, then on your belly and finally all over your pretty face. Then I’ll parade you up to the Surface past the MP without letting you wipe it off. Everyone will know you are mine.”

The mental image excited him again, as did the feigned expression of shock on Levi’s face.

“Fuck,” Erwin swore as another climax ripped through him.

His body jerked forward and Erwin gasped as his pleasure reached a crescendo. Under him, Levi was unable to hide his enjoyment at making Erwin come undone multiple times. Happy hormones flooded the blonde’s brain as the waves subsided, and he had to suppress the strong post-climactic urge to lean down and kiss and lick Levi breathless.

Levi scoffed up at him, “Are you actually a fucking virgin?”

Ignoring him, Erwin murmured low against Levi’s ear, causing him to squirm as the warm breath and soft lips tickled his sensitive skin, “You’ve been allowed to roam free for far too long. You’re dangerous, boy; you need to be tamed.” He rocked firmly against Levi’s prostate, silencing any protest that might start forming on his conquest’s lips, “And I think I’m just the man for the job.”

To his surprise, he felt Levi shiver under him, then nod and turn his head to lick the shell of Erwin’s ear.

“You are going to join the scouts,” he ordered, giving a hard thrust and eliciting a pleased gasp from the subdued criminal. “If you’re lucky, maybe I’ll treat you to a good fucking when you’ve been well behaved. Maybe sometimes I’ll even let you cum. However, if I hear you’ve been badly behaved- well,” Erwin chuckled darkly, “it will make _this_ session here seem like love-making in comparison.”

Expression menacing, Levi snapped, “Do you fuck all your new recruits then?”

In a powerfully quiet tone, Erwin confirmed, “No, _you_ are a special case. _You_ were meant to serve a man like me.”

At those words, grey irises were stretched thin as Levi’s pupils dilated. His breathing pattern also changed, indicating that climax was starting to build within him.

Wanting to encourage it along so that Erwin wasn’t the only one repeatedly orgasming, he started up his dirty talk again, “Your ass feels so damn good when it’s full of my seed. Do you like it when men come inside you?”

“Erwin, Erwin.”

Losing sense of what they were pretending to do, Levi began to moan his name and nuzzle the side of the blonde’s face. His body rocked back against Erwin’s and his heels dug hard into the backs of thick thighs.

Pleased that his efforts were causing Levi to struggle to keep in character, Erwin felt his own ass clench at his name being called and yet another unexpected climax began to be drawn from him.

“Oh, fucking hell!” Erwin swore again.

Astonished at the strength of his own arousal from their roleplay and not wanting to waste this climax, Erwin swiftly pulled out and finished over Levi’s chest and stomach. This load was even bigger than the last and his lover lay submissively under him as he was coated in thick ropes of hot cum. One spurt got as far as Levi’s ear and began dripping down the back of the younger man's neck onto the pillow below. By now Erwin was drenched in sweat, his shirt wet and sticking uncomfortably to his back and armpits

 _Fuck, what’s wrong with me?_ He thought. _Am I going to prematurely ejaculate every goddamn time we do this?_ He felt as if he had lost all control. At least he was still hard. Shit, he could probably come again in another few minutes.

Sliding back into his playmate, he began to move his hips gently back and forth. By now, his glans felt too oversensitive to thrust hard and he wanted to buy himself a few minutes to calm down. Being covered in cum seemed to spur Levi on, and the passage around Erwin’s erection began to contract rhythmically around him. The tightness was almost painful around his cock, hyper stimulated as it was from repeated orgasms and it was getting ridiculously difficult to concentrate.

Levi’s abs practically vibrated as he approached climax and the blonde decided to stick with the tempo and depth of his hip movements that had triggered the start of Levi’s impending climax, hoping that it wouldn’t take too much longer for Levi to join him in release and end their game.

As Erwin tried to endure the discomfort of his sensory overload, all of a sudden, just as he hoped Levi might be seconds away from coming, the younger man shook his head and made an odd hiccupping sound.

Erwin froze and snapped his head up to look at Levi’s face. “Levi?”

The younger man’s eyes were squeezed tightly shut, “Sorry Erwin, I’m getting too into it, it’s too much,” His head moved side to side almost imperceptibly and he managed to open his eyes to stare back at the bigger man pleadingly, unable to verbalise what exactly was wrong. 

Suddenly very present in the moment, Erwin looked down and noticed the non-verbal signs of Levi’s discomfort; he looked like a man cornered. There was a strange look in Levi’s eyes, and his slim lips had gone pale. The situation felt unsalvageable. Heart pounding harder than when he’d come, Erwin carefully pulled out and started to untie Levi’s hands.

Levi’s pretended struggles had tightened the knot tying him to the headboard. Unable to untie Levi quickly enough for his own liking, Erwin stepped away towards his office to get some scissors.

“Where are you going?” Levi tugged on the restraints and tried to turn to face him, grey eyes were filled with consternation and staring after his retreating form. “Come back,”

“I’m going to need scissors to cut that shirt off. The knot is too tight,” He was going to have to learn to tie a different kind of knot.

“Wait, don’t go,” Levi sounded panicked and had begun to sweat. “There’s a knife in my boots, use that.”

“You still keep a knife in your boots?”

“Of course I do,” the slight man replied, as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

Fishing out the knife from a sheath hidden on the inside of the left boot, Erwin spoke softly while swiftly cutting the old shirt off Levi’s wrists, “What would you like me to do?” He tried to keep the worry out of his voice as he pulled off his uniform and dropped it on the floor in his haste to get Levi in his arms.

“Look at me normally. Talk to me like you usually do.” Once untied, Levi’s hands shot up to rub at his own face. “Sorry, fuck. I over-reacted,”

Heedless of the sticky wetness between them, Erwin returned to laying between the younger man’s legs. Softening his facial expression he sneaked one arm under Levi’s back and used the other to pillow his partner’s dark head.

Now with skin touching skin almost everywhere it was physically possible to, he looked down affectionately and was finally able to give into his desire to nuzzle with younger man, using his nose to move Levi’s hands away from his face, “You never need to apologise for asking for something during sex, Levi. You can _always_ say when you have had enough. I love you,” he reassured, leaning down to give a chaste kiss, which Levi accepted hungrily. “Thank you for saying you needed a break, you did the right thing. Don’t ever be afraid to say stop if it gets too much. I should have made that clearer at the start.”

Still trying to coax more kisses out of his blonde lover, Levi shook his head to clear this thoughts, “I’m fine now. Goddamn it felt like it was actually real.” His legs were trembling where they lay akimbo around Erwin’s hips. He peered up at Erwin again and gave a ghost of a smile, “I did enjoy it though. It was super fun. And I can tell you certainly liked it too.”

“Understatement of the year, Levi.” With a serious look, Erwin asked, “But are you alright? Tell me what I did wrong so I don’t make a mistake like that again.”

“You did nothing wrong. I wanted to come, was about to, but I got scared that I was getting too into it.”

Erwin felt a stab of devastation, “Scared?”

Levi’s cheeks had been rosy from being close to climax, but they darkened further as Erwin probed. He shrugged, “I don’t know. I shouldn’t enjoy the thought of the man I love forcing me to have sex with him. It’s wrong.”

Confused at Levi’s switch to talking about him in the third person, Erwin petted the dark hair and thought about how to validate the concern, “I know it feels strange to enjoy something so dark. Especially with how you suffered as a child.”

There.

He had said it.

He had wanted to bring it up earlier when they were discussing how to act out a non-consensual roleplay, but Levi hadn’t mentioned it, and Erwin had been worried about making a connection in the inexperienced man's head that wasn’t there to begin with.

The younger man now couldn’t meet his gaze, instead staring off to the side into the mid-distance to hide his deep distress, “I know, I was thinking about it all week. I should have mentioned it earlier, but I was just too chicken-shit to bring it up. I didn’t want you to feel like an actual rapist instead of just messing around and having fun.”

“No, Levi-“ wanting to smack himself in the face for failing to anticipate this better, Erwin hurried to reassure his upset lover, “-you aren’t a coward for not wanting to talk about it. I should have broached the subject myself.” He used a finger on the angular chin to turn Levi’s head back towards him, “But remember what I said before? That even if we never do any of this kinkier stuff I’m still far happier with what we already have than I ever have been with anyone else. I meant it.”

Nodding, Levi sighed and asked, “Does enjoying this make me strange?”

“No stranger than me.”

“That’s not very reassuring Erwin,” Levi joked sincerely. “You _are_ strange, and creepy as fuck sometimes.”

“Very funny. Once again your wit astounds me. Lots of people enjoy acting out these things. It doesn’t mean they would ever do them in reality. Fantasies are just that- fantasy. I myself wouldn’t enjoy non-consensual sex in real life. It would traumatise me to know someone found my advances repulsive but submitted to them out of fear.”

They were silent a while as both men tried to process their thoughts. Erwin combed his fingers through ink-black hair as he tried to work out how to best explain the idea of negotiating things together before roleplay sex next time.

He had been worried that if he had mentioned the word ‘negotiation’, that it would be unsexy and conjure up images of business deals or divorce proceedings, things that weren’t nearly as fun as doing stupid kinky things together.

While Erwin was still lost in thought, a guilty expression darkened Levi’s eyes and he fixed his grey gaze on where his fingertips were playing with blonde chest hair.

The younger man murmured quietly, “I guess part of me maybe feels that I only deserve sex like that; sex that hurts or is forceful. After I let that man have me as a child, maybe I’m not worthy of the gentle sex you normally let me have.”

Inhaling sharply in shock, Erwin felt his heart plummet.

He’d seriously fucked up.

He had mistakenly thought that they could do this without talking it through beforehand. It had been so long since he had last done this with anyone, that Erwin had forgotten how unclear his own thoughts could be when he was excited, horny and partially submerged in lubricating oil. As the more experienced man and the one not tied up, he should have stayed in control to navigate Levi’s reactions as well as keep him safe. And he had failed.

Although it could be difficult to discuss private and intimate desires, particularly with a sexually shy partner such as his own, in hindsight Erwin recognised that it was something he should have prioritised. If they had done it right, perhaps Levi might have disclosed his terrible thoughts of feeling undeserving of gentle intimacy, and ideas of shame and sadness about his past without feeling cornered into it. Perhaps in the right context, it might even have been cathartic for Levi to voice his beliefs about himself out loud, and then Erwin could refute them, and reassure and demonstrate to him just how very deserving he was of being made love to. If he had even an inkling of what was going on in that little head, he was sure he wouldn’t have proceeded with such a role play, putting it off until he felt that Levi wouldn’t be yet more traumatised by sex.

Twirling a lock of glossy hair around one finger, Erwin tried to not let his partner see the disappointment in himself reach his face, sure that Levi would interpret the manifestation as his own failure.

Although Erwin was good at making educated guesses about certain things, Erwin certainly was no mind reader and truly hadn’t guessed that Levi held such terrible opinions about himself.

“I want to do it again sometime, though. I really did like it.” Levi tried to reassure him, running a hand up and down Erwin’s long back. Clearly he sensed something was amiss. 

“I’m sorry, Levi.” Squeezing his eyes shut and burying his face into his partner’s neck, Erwin apologised profusely. “I’m so sorry,” he said again, wanting to bang his head repeatedly off something hard.

The look on Levi’s face when he saw it next suggested he was astounded that Erwin was the one apologising, “Why are _you_ sorry? I suggested this and then couldn’t fucking follow through, as usual.” He sounded annoyed with himself.

Stroking the sharp face, Erwin felt like his head would never stop shaking back and forth, “We should have talked things through first. And perhaps we shouldn’t have started on something so close to home.” He felt he needed to clarify his own thoughts to his partner, “You know, I don’t ‘ _let’_ you have gentle sex, Levi. We have the kind of sex with each other that we want to have. I _want_ to make love to you. My whole life is spent fighting others with swords, my pen or my words, and the one place I really don’t want to have to fight is in bed with you. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when you tell me to pound you into the bed, or we play wrestle, but my favourite times are when we spend time together or just cuddle.”

“Alright, alright, you big sap.” Levi mumbled, cheeks reddening even further.

Knowing that Levi was trying to use humour as a defence mechanism, Erwin pushed on, “In hindsight, we should have talked things through a bit more. Then perhaps this revelation could have happened in a more controlled fashion. Remember when I said that sex like this can show you a side of yourself you weren’t expecting? That it can be a chance to learn things about yourself?”

“So what you’re saying is that acting something out like that isn’t just sex? That we’re supposed to learn something from it?” Levi looked unconvinced. “I barely have enough brainpower during sex to speak, let alone take notes.”

“That’s not exactly what I mean. It’s not supposed to be an educational experience in any sort of formal way. Sex like this can be constructive and a way to explore yourself; it can create a safe context where we can explore agreed interests and give insight into what turns us both on. It isn’t real life, and we can try acting out experiences that in reality would be taboo or socially unacceptable. Some people try scenarios that arouse their curiosity, or like us might want to re-imagine past life experiences. It allows us to choose a different perspective to approach the scene of choice. But it ought to be for fun, and shouldn’t feed back into feelings of shame, guilt or sadness.”

Small shoulders slumped ever so slightly, “Oh, sorry Erwin.”

“No, Levi,” trying to correct the misunderstanding, Erwin screwed his face up as he considered what to say next. “I wasn’t saying that to scold you. What I’m trying to say- and not very well apparently- is that it can be used to reframe more negative interactions and the feelings associated with them into positive experiences. We can work on that. You have such worth to me, Levi as the only person I’ve ever really loved this way and I want you to enjoy what we do together. For you to give yourself to me in all the ways you do makes me feel incredibly special. I want you to know how much I appreciate it.”

The corner of Levi’s mouth quirked up in a small, genuine smile, “You’re fucking welcome, Blondie.”

While Erwin lived and breathed, he had no plans to see Levi with any other man. However long he lived, Erwin was sure that he was never going to meet another person who fulfilled him and loved him as completely as this young man did. But he was no fool. He accepted the fact that he himself might die and leave Levi behind, or that one day Levi might tire of _him_ and move on. The thought hurt, but Erwin now loved this man so dearly that he simply had to ensure that if there ever was a future without Erwin in it (for whatever reason), that these terrible thoughts plaguing Levi’s mind never propelled him into the arms of a man who _would_ take advantage of such wrongly placed beliefs of not deserving to be cherished during sex.

For all Levi’s awesome confidence, strength and fighting ability outside the bedroom, during sex it was almost as if he had a personality transplant, becoming highly suggestible and submissive. It would be terribly easy to exploit and misuse such a tendency, leaving him potentially at the mercy of a monster. Erwin cringed as he considered how it was almost certainly something he himself might have taken advantage of, if he had known about it before starting to fall in love.

“I want to make one thing _absolutely_ clear.” Blue eyes bore into Levi, who stared up transfixed, a young expression on his face. “You _are_ deserving of being treated with tenderness during sex, Levi. In fact, I would go as far to say that you need more consideration than average. You are allowed to, and should expect and enjoy respect and compassion from a lover. You will _never_ deserve brutal treatment; never accept it from anyone. What that fucker did to you when you had no choice and no way to fight back has no bearing on how you should be treated as an adult during consensual sex." He took a shaky breath, "And you didn’t ‘let’ him attack you. You were a very young child who was _never_ going to be able to fight back against an adult. He might have killed you if you had attempted to stop him.”

Winded by the ferocity of feeling he put behind his monologue and by the idea of an infant Levi being killed trying to defend himself from being sexually attacked, Erwin had to take a moment to catch his breath. He ground his teeth together hard as he tried to not let the tears fall, sure that Levi would see it as pity and not as the sympathetic pangs of agony they truly were.

Erwin had always loved the innocence and curiosity of children, and in a different world he would have loved to have taught the young. His mind kept conjuring up images of Levi as a baby; he would have in all likelihood have been tiny and absolutely adorable with his pert little nose and fine features. For a moment he imagined scooping up the imaginary toddler and holding him protectively. But then the image morphed into a tearful, frightened child who couldn’t let go of his mother and who feared men as violent monsters.

 _Imagine if Levi had been killed_ , Erwin thought. _What a loss it would have been for humanity. For me._

Still unsure, Levi picked at his nails and kept trying to make excuses, “Maybe if I’d have called out earlier then he wouldn’t have gotten so far-”

Erwin shook his head firmly and interrupted him, “No. None of it was your fault. You were probably too scared to do anything. In all likelihood you froze and _couldn’t_ react.”

Erwin was now in physical pain as he attempted once again to convince Levi that he hadn’t been instrumental in his own rape. It was futile to expect it to take only one night of reassurances, but now that he knew the extent of Levi’s feelings surrounding what had happened to him they could work on it over time. It was hard to imagine just how terrifying it must have been. He laid a hand over where Levi’s heart was still beating too hard and too fast.

 _This heart is mine_ , Erwin reminded himself. _And I’ve hurt it._

A smaller hand moved up to stroke Erwin’s knuckles, “I guess I thought I’d get in trouble with mom and her pimp for being found by one of her customers if I made a fuss. She technically wasn’t supposed to have a kid living in the brothel; I’m not even sure if anyone really knew about me. I was supposed to stay hidden when she had anyone in the room. But I think I was hungry or needed the bathroom or something, so I came out of the cupboard thinking she would be there alone, but she had gone out to do something and left him in there.” He made a small noise of what sounded like disbelief at himself, “I didn’t really understand what was happening to me at the time, but it hurt and he held a hand over my mouth and nose for most of it. It was frightening not being able to breathe. Afterwards, I was in agony for a long time.” Levi tailed off, clearly having said as much as he would be able to in one sitting.

Certain that if he tried to speak that he would weep instead, Erwin stayed quiet and made small circular motions with his fingertips over where Levi’s heart beat was most easily palpable.

“I’m fucked up.” Levi summarised in a deadpan voice after a few minutes of silence.

“You experienced something very traumatic,” Erwin re-worded Levi’s thoughts, “and you haven’t found a way to recover from it properly. We’ll find a way together to help you.”

Erwin gathered Levi more tightly in his arms and rested their heads together, as much to comfort himself as his partner from the horrifying details he’d heard tonight. Then he thought better of it when he didn’t feel the hold reciprocated, “Is this okay?” He released his hold slightly, “Or would you rather not be held at all?”

“No, it’s okay. It’s nice.”

Closing his eyes, the blonde nuzzled his face against his distressed partner. He had always known that titans weren’t the biggest monsters out there; that humans could more than fulfil that role for themselves. Sometimes though, he forgot just how terrible man could be. Part of him wished Levi could cry and let some of the pain out, but it wasn’t the man’s style, and perhaps verbally offloading would suffice tonight.

“I’m sorry,” Levi’s voice sounded again, whisper-soft this time, “I’m sure you didn’t really want to hear any of that. It probably disgusts you,”

Erwin placed a gentle kiss on each of the younger man’s closed eyelids, “No, Levi. Never apologise for feeling able to open up to me. I’m proud that you trust me enough to feel you can tell me about it. I only wish you didn’t have it happen to you in the first place. I’m more than willing to listen, and the only thing that disgusts me is that there are people in this world who would try to have sex with children. I love every inch of you. _You_ don’t disgust me; not one part of you disgusts me.”

“Even if one day you get shit on your cock?” Levi sounded quite incredulous at the claim.

Unable to help it, Erwin huffed out a laugh and his crow’s feet deepened, “As I said before, even if one day sex gets a little messy, it wouldn’t bother me. It’s a risk we take, and I’d just wash it off and clean you up. It’s happened to me a few times during sex before and it was never a big deal then. I wouldn’t want you being upset about it.”

“I guess if you didn’t care it wouldn’t be quite so mortifying.” After a minute, one of Levi’s eyebrows cocked up as he asked, “Did you manage to cum with the countess?”

Erwin sighed, “No. I got an erection but it kept flagging. In the end, I had to pretend to come.”

“Hmmmm,” a smug little expression flashed across Levi’s eyes, and his fingertips brushed Erwin’s now spent cock, causing him to flinch with over-sensitivity, “and yet when I give the _tiniest_ little lick to your pants, _boom_!” His eyes widened dramatically as he voiced the final word, and then gave a kitten lick to Erwin’s chin.

“Alright, yeah yeah,” Erwin rolled his eyes in mock annoyance. “Yes I find you very attractive and every little thing you do arouses me.”

Smirking cheekily, Levi asked, “Even when I’m taking a shit?”

Sighing, Erwin shook his head, “Fine, maybe not _everything_. Almost everything. Although I do track you so I can time sex better,”

Levi looked at him, appalled. “You pay attention to when I shit?”

“It’s not difficult. You’re like clockwork. An hour after dinner every night.”

Again, Levi looked at him as though he were a complete lunatic.

Grinning at Levi’s loss of composure at being teased about his toilet habits, Erwin asked, “What? You’re the one who asked, and is normally obsessed with toilet-related topics.”

“Tcch,” Levi grumbled, but then added, “Other people shitting _is_ pretty funny.”

They lay in silence, gathering their thoughts, until Levi spoke up again, “I want to do this pretend stuff again sometime. I really did like it.”

“Perhaps we shouldn’t have started on something so close to home. If you ever want to try roleplay again we can try something light-hearted and more detached from us. Maybe a scenario where I’ve saved you and you want to reward me?”

Huffing out a noise of disbelief, Levi scoffed, _“You_? Saving _me_? Ha! Not fucking likely.”

“Hey, a man can dream.”

Levi shut him up by pulling him in for a long, wet kiss. He was using more tongue than normal and squirming slightly under him, and it made Erwin pause.

“Do you want to come?”

Nodding, Levi pushed his hips up into Erwin’s stomach, “Fuck yeah. I was so fucking close, I think my balls are actually blue by now. Can we restart? Try again?”

“No, I don’t think we should tonight. But I can give you release if you need it?”

“Yes.” Looking relieved at the offer, Levi groaned, “Shit I need to come.”

Turning slightly onto one side, Erwin reached down to palm his partner’s cock, “How do you want it?”

“Your fingers.”

Certain that achieving an erection himself was currently a physical impossibility, Erwin gladly slipped his fingers back into Levi’s still lubricated entrance and searched for his sweet spot. He decided that a totally different approach was in order, rather than the usual dirty talk he normally used to get Levi off. The younger man responded so well to even small nuggets of praise and tonight he was going to be showered in it.

Murmuring sweetly in Levi’s ear, Erwin crooked his fingers when he found what he was looking for, and rubbed the swollen gland gently with his fingertips, “You’re so good Levi. I’m here with you. Let me take care of you.”

Gasping for breath, Levi swivelled his hips back down against Erwin’s hand to gain more pressure. Said hand was growing slippery from the sheer amount of cum he’d ejaculated inside Levi, which was now trying to get out.

“Are you enjoying this too?” Levi’s deep voice was strained with effort as he asked for reassurance, “Are you getting anything out of this?”

Keeping his voice calm and steady, the blonde reassured, “Of course I am, I love pleasuring you. I enjoy watching you squirm until you climax. Fuck, I love it even more than when I come. I think inside you is my favourite part of you; it feels great. Warm and soft and inviting,” Erwin licked up Levi’s neck, “and always lovely and tight around me. I could play with you all day.”

Levi’s chest heaved and his eyes squeezed shut as he focussed on the fingers within him, “I think it’s my least favourite part of me,”

Erwin tucked that information away to work on another time. “I really want to give you head. Do you think you could try and come that way? I want to taste you.”

“Knock yourself out, Blondie. I’ll give it my best shot.” Abs and thighs tensing, Levi was moving in earnest and felt extremely close to coming if the pushing around Erwin’s fingers was anything to go by.

Fingers came up and dug into Erwin’s shoulders, and slender legs parted slightly to allow Erwin’s hand more space to move. Through snatches of breaths, Levi began to babble, “Sorry Erwin, fuck I messed up tonight. It was my idea in the first place, and we were having such a good time and I-“

“Shhh,” Erwin hushed him with a kiss. “We had a great time and I’m still having a great time. Relax, you’re doing just fine.” Needing to steer Levi away from his dark thoughts, Erwin cooed, “You like it when I finger you, don’t you Levi? Of course you do.” He used his other hand to pet at the dark hair, smoothing it back and kissing the high forehead under Levi’s bangs. “Do you like knowing that my cum is lubricating my fingers while I pleasure you?”

“Fuck yes.” Breaths hitching, Levi’s eyes clamped shut as he rocked back against the large fingers inside him.

Levi’s sex face stirred further arousal in Erwin, but he ignored it in favour of focussing his efforts on getting the younger man off.

“Damn, you’re so sexy, Levi. I love your face, your body, everything about you. I love you.”

“Let me see you,” Levi demanded, cupping his hands around Erwin’s face.

Staring down affectionately, Erwin began to lay closed-mouth kisses on every inch of Levi’s face, paying special attention along the angle of his jaw, which always seemed to make the younger man croon with pleasure.

Once Levi’s hands released his face and slid up into his blonde hair, Erwin eased down the bed and engulfed Levi’s cock in his mouth, sucking him to hardness while Levi screeched in pleasure.

“Oh my fucking god, Erwin!” Fingers tightened almost painfully in his hair and strong thighs wrapped around his neck.

From experience, Erwin knew Levi’s climax never took long after the younger man began calling to the almighty. With his nose buried in Levi’s groin, Erwin was enjoying the slightly musky smell that clung to Levi better since he had agreed to leave a small amount of well-trimmed hair on his lower belly.

He gave a few quick nibbles to the foreskin, knowing that Levi would be too sensitive after coming to enjoy such treatment. The skin seemed more mobile since the frenulum had torn slightly after Erwin’s rough replacement of it when it was swollen and stuck, but Levi didn’t seem to be in pain, and Erwin licked apologetically around the sensitive area which seemed to be recovering with no lasting damage. 

Getting back to bobbing his head it only took a few more powerful sucks to the tip of Levi’s cock before Erwin was rewarded with a mouthful of slightly tangy cum and a tight squeeze around his fingers. The younger man was gasping and making wonderful little noises as he worked his way through his climax, and Erwin milked Levi’s erection with his free hand to make sure he licked up every last drop.

Once the gland beneath his fingers was soft, Erwin removed his mouth and hand, then carefully (oh so very carefully) replaced the foreskin over the softening cock, giving the tip a kiss and pushing himself back up to see his lover flopped against the bed.

Erwin licked his lips lasciviously, “I’m jealous of how thick your cum is. Mine seems really watery in comparison.”

“Mmmmmm,” Levi replied languidly, not opening his eyes. “It’s probably because you cum so much more frequently than me,” replied a tired voice. “More than half the time you get me cumming dry, so maybe it gets stored up. Plus you jerk off practically everyday and I don't.” Eyes opening a crack, the normally expressionless face gave him an odd look, “Maybe if you were stimulated inside at the same time like me it would help?”

Quirking an eyebrow up, Erwin asked, “Are you offering?”

There was a pause and Levi shrugged his shoulders. It wasn’t the definite _no_ Erwin had been anticipating.

The session had been unsurprisingly taxing on Levi, and Erwin decided it was time to crack out his more advanced cuddling techniques, knowing that Levi was unlikely to admit to wanting to be held and spoken to fondly. He had a feeling that there might be repercussions for days after what had transpired. His own emotional tank was pretty full after Levi allowed him to indulge so thoroughly in their sex game. Like a sixth sense, he could tell the other man’s was now empty. Levi wasn’t exactly touch-starved or attention hungry, but what he needed right now was a nourishing touch and a lover who was emotionally present.

Wiping his wet hand on the towel and giving between Levi’s legs a quick clean, Erwin pulled the cover up over them both and got to work smothering the younger man in affection.

“Mmmmmmm,” curled up in the crook of his arm like a contented cat, Levi was practically purring with enjoyment as his skin was stroked and scratched. “Do my upper back and shoulders,”

“Up here?” He manoeuvred himself so they were face-to-face for maximum kissability.

“Mmmmm yeah, right there.”

Pushing the dark thoughts of Levi’s past out of his mind for the present, the blonde tried to stay calm with an aura of settled energy, lest he got swept along on the tide of Levi’s emotions should they present themselves after what had been an intense sex session for the less-experienced man. 

After a few minutes, the dark head moved and anchored itself down into its favourite part of Erwin’s shoulder. Both men shifted around until they found a good fit against each other, legs entwining. Erwin’s hand traced down Levi’s back and stroked the curve of his ass, admiring the smooth, muscular plumpness he found there. Against his chest, he could feel Levi’s breath emerge as contented little sighs. He adored these post-coital moments together, where it truly felt like the other man was an extension of himself.

After a short silence and some more light petting, Levi asked so quietly that Erwin almost didn’t hear him, “Does it feel wrong inside me? With your fingers or your dick? Or does it feel the same as- as other people’s?”

Not understanding the question, Erwin dug deeper, “I don’t understand. Does it feel wrong? You know I don’t feel that way about homosexual relationships. I love having sex with you.”

“No, I mean…” Levi took a moment to think, “….can you feel any….scarring or anything weird?”

It had been a long time since Levi had brought up concerns of long-lasting internal physical damage from his childhood.

Pursing his lips, Erwin shook his head, “No, not at all. I’m no doctor, but I’ve had my fingers in a lot of men’s asses and yours feels perfectly normal.”

“Hmmmm,” Levi seemed to accept Erwin’s experience as sufficient to reassure him. “Do you think what happened made me the way I am?”

“You mean, preferring to be the receptive partner?”

Levi nodded, “And my preference for men?”

Without hesitation, Erwin shook his head, “No, I don’t think it has anything to do with it. I think people are born finding certain people attractive and wanting to do specific things with them. I enjoy putting my erection _in_ people, rather than have someone else’s in me. And I don’t chose to find both men and women attractive, I just do. I remember being a very young boy and wanting to kiss both male and female friends. What about you?”

A kiss was laid on Erwin’s chest, and he felt Levi's lips move softly against his skin, “I've always fantasised about finding a man to love, but I never thought I'd get this fucking lucky."

Chest swelling with affection, Erwin pulled the younger man even closer, "That's a very sweet fantasy, but you know, _I'm_ the lucky one."

It was great having an adorable, smaller, younger man to cuddle; a man who, although happy to lie and take it from him him in bed, outside the bedroom could kick serious ass. Really, it was a dream come true. 

"And when I was about eight I saw a man giving another man oral sex in an alley and was fascinated,” Levi continued, staring off into the distance as he recalled the memory. 

“Yikes,” Erwin wasn’t sure that he would have understood at that age what oral even was. “What would have happened if I’d have tried what we did earlier when we first met in real life?”

“Dead.” Levi said simply, “You’d be dead. Fuck the documents and living on the Surface. I’d have ripped off your genitals while you were still alive and shoved them up your own ass as a deterrent to anyone else thinking of trying to ‘win’ me over that way.”

Erwin shivered, “That would be a _very_ undignified way to go,”

The criminal from the Underground shrugged nonchalantly, “What can I say? When it comes to violence, I’m a true artist.”

Absentmindedly stroking his fingertips up and down Levi's forearm, Erwin hummed, “Next time we’re in bed, I owe you three orgasms. You didn’t get to come as many times as me.”

Letting out a ‘heh’ of laughter, Levi kissed his neck, “Sex isn’t a competition to get the other person to come more, Erwin,”

Erwin's lips planted a kiss into his partner's dark hair, “I know. It’s just a personal goal. I never have sex with you just to reach climax. In fact, I couldn’t care less if I get off as long as you’re having a good time.”

“That’s very selfless of you.”

“It’s nothing to do with that. I just get a lot out of pleasing you.”

Once Levi started to get restless lying on the wet towels, Erwin took a deep, sighing breath. Not really wanting to get up, he stretched slowly, “Let’s get the used linen off the bed and wash.”

Personally, he’d prefer to just clean his dick in the sink and climb back into bed to snuggle down and enjoy the natural smell of his partner and their activities, but he knew Levi wouldn’t tolerate it.

“Sounds good to me, Blondie." Levi heaved himself up and out of the bed, groaning as he did. "My limbs feel so fucking heavy.”

Sure that was an ominous sign, Erwin decided that further gentle canoodling in the bath was required and would be the best way to wind down. He filled the tub generously, and shepherded Levi in, handing him a small gift.

“What’s this?” Unwrapping it, Levi’s eyes flashed with glee.

“It’s new soap. I pocketed it from the countess’s private bathroom. I think it’s lavender.”

“Lavender and tea tree,” Levi corrected, inhaling the scent, “Though I might give it to Mike to clarify.”

“I knew you would like it.”

“Mmmmm. Thank you.” Climbing into the bath, Levi immediately began lathering it up. “So garden ornaments and soap, huh? You know, with all your brain power and powers of manipulation, I still maintain that you would have been good at organised crime. However, your focus market would be terribly niche.”

Settling himself in behind the smaller man, Erwin chuckled, “Who doesn’t love soap and over-sized garden decorations?”

“Thank you for this.” With Erwin now behind him, Levi turned his head to place a peck on a big clavicle.

“Allow me,”

Levi hummed with enjoyment at being bathed with the delicious scented soap. “Is this the aftercare thing you spoke about ages ago?”

“Exactly.”

“Hmmmm. I like it.”

“Good. That’s the point.”

The soapy water made their skin slippery, allowing their bodies to slide against each other more easily than usual. Erwin tried to rub all the tension out of Levi's shoulders and neck, scratching his nails into his scalp in the way he liked it and smoothing the wet hair back.

As he played and petted his lover, Erwin spent some time lost in thought, and allowed a comfortable silence to reign. Once he noticed the water had started to grow cold and that Levi had started dozing against him, Erwin ushered them both out to get dry. He towelled off, suddenly feeling rather exhausted himself.

By the time he had cleaned out the tub, Levi had clambered into the freshly-made bed and was looking over his shoulder at the blonde, “I’ll take the right side then?”

“Thank you for remembering,”

“ _Don’t_ squash me against the wall,” Levi warned him, scooting over and facing the wall.

““I’ll try not to.” There was only one clean pillow; the other one had been wet and streaked with cum from where it had reached Levi’s ear, and it now lay in the laundry pile. Erwin hummed and moved the remaining pillow to Levi’s side, “Do you want the clean pillow?”

“No, I prefer not having one. I like lying completely flat if I’m in bed.”

“Suit yourself,” Erwin smushed the feathers into a comfortable shape and settled his head down, lying on his side and spooning around Levi, pulling the man slightly in towards himself.

Almost as soon as he was horizontal he began to drift off to sleep, but just before he did, something occurred to Erwin, “Wake me up if you have any dark thoughts, Levi. Don’t suffer in silence.” There was no response. He gave the man in his arms a gentle shake, “Levi?”

“I will,” came a soft reply. Erwin felt his arm being drawn more snugly across Levi’s body and a kiss being placed on his fingertips. “I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was super fun to write in my down time. I hadn't planned for the roleplay to get dark, but it kinda happened organically as I wrote it. Let me know what you think and if you have any ideas for more roleplaying between the sheets for our boys!


	23. Jedes Warum hat seinen Darum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *WARNING*
> 
> Recollection of childhood rape- no sexual details, but lots of emotional ones.

When Levi next opened his eyes, he was greeted with pitch darkness and wrapped in his thin, tatty comfort blanket. Mother had swaddled him in it and set him in his cupboard, promising that she wouldn’t be long this time. Then they would have bread to eat and maybe even some real salted butter to go with it. The musty-smelling wooden boards of the closet creaked slightly as he shifted his weight to try and get comfortable as he sat and waited.

A man’s voice became audible in the room alongside his mother’s. He sounded disgruntled and she was trying to placate him. Attempting to shut out what the adults were doing, Levi imagined the taste of the bread they would soon have. Not one crumb would go to waste, and then he would lick the butter off his fingers and go to sleep. His stomach rumbled and then his bladder began to protest.

After some more tense conversation outside, he heard the door to their home close, and the room was once again quiet.

He gave it a minute before he called out, “Momma?” With a squeak of rusted hinges, the wardrobe door opened a crack as he gave it a little push and he peered out into the room, dimly lit by only one small, cheap candle by the bedside. The chamber pot was only a few feet away from the closet. He was about to climb out and walk over to it when he heard a shuffle, as though someone had stood up from the bed. Someone who sounded much bigger than his mother.

Pulling the door shut again, Levi threw the threadbare blanket back over himself and curled up, head between his knees and eyelids squeezed together tight. Heavy footsteps made their way ever closer until-

“Who do we have in here?” A deep sing-song voice asked, wrenching open the closet door and peering inside.

Levi tried cowering deeper into the corner to make himself as small as possible under the blanket, but his limbs were shaking and a whimper escaped from the back of his throat. The blanket was snatched away to reveal him, and then a hand gripped his upper arm with bruising force, yanking him out of the wardrobe and dangling him in mid-air.

A large man with his hooded face entirely hidden in shadow drawled in a pleased voice, “Why hello there. A two-for-one today I see. Lucky me.”

Reality and time seemed to warp and fragment around Levi as the situation and his fear escalated ever higher, and he sensed his body going into auto-pilot; his actions totally out of his control. His perspective kept shifting; one moment he was embodied in his small, weak child’s form, the next he was seeing the attack unfold from where he floated somewhere above the room, totally dissociated from his body . He was tossed onto the thin mattress and tried to crawl away backwards towards the door, but it was like his limbs were made of lead and suddenly the man was looming over him, and Levi could hear a belt unbuckling.

 _Fight him, bite his face off!_ Levi’s adult voice yelled inside his head, but without any understanding of what was going on or what to do about it, his body froze, trapping him inside it. He had forgotten how to even breathe.

The bed under him grew wet as he pissed himself with fear. There was a sudden and terrible pain, and then an overpoweringly strong hand covered his mouth and nose as he inhaled a sharp breath to shout out. Too frightened now even to cry, Levi lay paralyzed and tried to keep his eyes shut. Perhaps if he didn’t fight back then whatever was happening would all be over quicker. But was this man trying to kill him? He hoped his mother wouldn’t be too angry at him for not staying hidden like he had promised. She might get in trouble, and then they would both be kicked out to live exposed and without shelter on the dangerous streets.

Above him, the man made a strange noise, and Levi opened his eyes to see his attacker’s head thrown back. His hood had slipped off to reveal golden blonde hair and crystal-blue eyes.

“No,” his child’s voice said weakly, his mind having gone completely blank. “Erwin? No-”

 _It can’t be him_ , Levi’s adult voice raged, trying to make sense of what was happening. _Erwin would never do this to us! He's a good man, and he loves us. It’s not Erwin._

 _But you asked him to do it_ , another inner voice countered nastily. _And he liked it._

The blonde above him let out a deep, cackling laugh, and Levi let numbness wash over him, in disbelief at what was going on. Everything was so confusing. Where had mother gone? How did he know this man? What was happening?

“Levi!” The blonde man yelled his name at him and gave an evil, gleeful grin, gripping Levi’s shoulders in both hands and shaking him hard. The beloved face of the man he loved - the one that normally gazed at him with such tender softness that Levi couldn't look away from it- was twisted into a maleficent mask that burned into Levi's retinas and seared his soul. 

It was all he could do to close his eyes and pretend that none of it was really happening. The physical pain was nothing, nothing compared to this new terrible agony coursing through him. As limp as a ragdoll he endured the shaking, while silent tears crept out of the corners of his eyes and dripped down into the shells of his ears. Erwin began to produce a horrible, distorted laugh that was nothing like the one that usually warmed Levi from the inside out whenever he heard it. He choked out a sob and tried to go far, far away. 

“Levi!” The man’s voice sounded different this time. Concerned. And still he was being shaken

“LEVI!”

Letting out a yell, Levi opened his eyes and swung bolt upright, finding himself in a completely different room- one that glowed with light from a bright kerosene lamp. Big hands still gripped his upper arms and Levi began to fight back ferociously while trying to escape the grasp. In his desperation to get away, he tried to climb out of the bed and away from whoever was restraining him. Forgetting he was right beside a wall, he smashed his face and head hard enough into it to leave a sizeable dent in the plaster.

“Fuck.” Gripping his face, he could feel hot wetness trickling from his nose, joining in with the mess of snot and tears already present. A dizzying wave of adrenaline washed over him at the injury, but it helped him realise he was now awake and what he had experienced had not been reality.

 _It was a dream_ , he realised as he opened his eyes and took in the room properly. He cupped a hand under his face to catch the blood gushing from his face. _This is our room. I’m in our bed_. It was just enough of a realisation to ground him, stopping him from further attacking the man beside him and remembering which direction the bathroom was in.

He needed to puke.

Nose now running uncontrollably with blood, he leapt up off the bed and headed straight to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him with his foot and wishing for once that the damn lock had been replaced.

“Don’t come in,” he growled as he heard footsteps following him. Hands catching the blood, he knelt over the toilet bowl and heaved, grabbing at a towel to stem the bleeding from his face. He would deal with the mess later.

 _I’m in our room_ , he told himself, rocking slightly as he knelt on the cold, hard tiles. He gripped his forearms, wanting to keep his stained hands from dirtying any of the white porcelain, and could feel his palms growing sticky as the blood painting them dried. His face itched from the tears, and the mixture of secretions and blood drying across it _. It’s only Erwin outside,_ he told himself _. The real Erwin. That was just a fucked-up dream with a fucked-up Erwin. It wasn’t real._

Sweat pooled everywhere- at his joints, on his abdomen and down his legs, and his heart hammered painfully in his chest.

 _It wasn’t real_ , he reiterated as he clutched his head. _Just a fucking bad dream. Breathe._

Erwin’s voice travelled through the door, “I’ll wait out here for you, if you really don’t want me to come in,”

Levi couldn’t answer. Misplaced anger at dream-Erwin was seeping over into reality, his primal instincts screaming at him to fuck the other man up, rip off his genitals and tear him limb from limb. The sight and smell of blood wasn’t helping things.

 _It was a dream_ , he repeated sternly and thumped himself hard in the gut to try and bring himself round further. _Erwin would never do that to you. It wasn’t Erwin. It was just a dream. A shitty, fucked up dream._ His own punch winded him and he let out a groan _._

“Levi?”

“Fuck off. I’m alright,” he forced himself to answer, voice muffled by the towel. Thankfully, it also muffled the irrational hatred and fear he still felt. “I’m going to wash.”

“Alright,” Erwin sounded unsure. “Call me in if you want me.”

Shaking his head, Levi tried to get the terrible image of Erwin attacking him out of his head. What the shit was wrong with him? Why would he make such a fucked up association? What would Erwin say if he knew?

Sticky bloody smears tracked up his forearms from where he had used them to wipe away snot and blood from his nose like a fucking kid would. The majority of the sweat had now evaporated from his naked body, and he felt chilled. Not yet trusting his treacherously shaky legs to stand him safely upright in the shower when it became wet and slippery with soap and water, Levi had to content himself with wetting another towel and using it to wipe his face and body.

He tossed the stained, dirty towels into a corner to deal with another time, then he flushed the toilet and checked his appearance in the mirror. The reflection staring back at him looked like utter shit. His skin was white and accentuated the darkness and redness around his eye sockets. By morning his nose and face would be a swollen and bruised mess from where he had rammed headlong into the wall. His hair was a total fucking tragedy, and his lips had vanished into the paleness of his face. A small part of him ached to climb back into bed and order Erwin to hold him like a child. A bigger part told him to dress, run and hide until the sun came up and just try to forget the whole sordid business.

He made his decision.

The bedroom was dark when he finally opened the door. Sneaking out of the bathroom and assuming Erwin had gone back to sleep, Levi picked up his rumpled clothes and went to dress in the office, planning on heading off to his own room to calm down in solitude. Alas, it was not to be. For Erwin in all his fucking wisdom had anticipated his desire to flee and was waiting for him on the couch in pyjama pants, eyeing him warily. He was poised in the dark, the now-unlit lamp sitting on the table beside him.

“Are you going somewhere, Levi?” There was the sound of a match being struck, and the lamp once again radiated light.

It was strange seeing the real Erwin, with his soft expression and easy body language. So different to the one his nightmare had conjured only moments before, the cruel Erwin who was still so terribly vivid in his mind’s eye.

“I’m not tired. I was just going to do some cleaning,” Levi lied, trying to get his gaze to bore through Erwin’s piercing one. It wasn't exactly a complete fib; there was pretty much a zero percent chance of him getting back to sleep after re-experiencing _that_ particular memory, especially in its new and even more fucked-up form. Even if he _did_ get back to sleep, the dream might replay again, and Levi was sure he couldn't handle it.

“Oh?” Leaning forward, Erwin stared him down, “Is that what your nightmare was about? Dirty hallways?”

“Fuck off Smith,” projected spontaneously from his lips, with significantly more rancour than he actually felt. The acute anger and terror had faded, leaving him feeling lousy and just very, very weary.

“No. And you aren’t going to fuck off either.”

Erwin was scrutinising his appearance, and Levi turned away to avoid him seeing just how terrible he looked. Knowing that nothing and nobody could stop him if he didn’t want them to, Levi sneered, “Yeah? Who’s gonna stop me?”

“I won’t stop you, I’ll just follow you,” Erwin took a deep breath and relaxed back against the couch, crossing his legs and waiting. “What did you dream about?”

Mirroring his body language, Levi crossed his arms and kept his gaze averted, “I can’t remember.” As he looked back into the bedroom, he noticed in passing that the bed had been stripped and changed, making him wonder just how long he had been in the bathroom and why Erwin had felt the need to re-make the bed. Maybe the sheets had gotten covered in the blood that had pissed from his nose. 

“You’re lying,” Erwin said confidently and unblinkingly, tapping his fingertips rhythmically against the arm rest. “Why are you lying?”

Levi bit out an angry sound, “I’m not lying. I can’t remember what the fucking dream was about, Erwin. Alright?”

“Were you a child in it?”

Levi froze. Had he called out in his sleep? He knew he was a frequent sleep-talker, but normally it was garbled nonsense that his blonde bed mate seemed to find terribly amusing, rather than specific and sensible conversations.

"Was I in it?” Erwin continued down his line of questions, eyes softening again as he leaned forward and placed his hands on his knees. A pause. “Was I hurting you?”

Levi stiffened, in disbelief that Erwin could possibly have guessed _any_ of the fucked-up shit his imagination had created; that for some reason it had decided to fuck with his memories and make the man who hurt him as a child interchangeable with the one who loved and cared for him now he was an adult. Unable to think of what to say in response, he stood still and silent too long for Erwin to be in any doubt what the answer to his question was.

“You don’t have to tell me specifics if you don’t want to,” Calm and collected as always, Erwin stood up and moved slowly over towards him, hands out to show he was unarmed. Levi swallowed hard and tensed as he suddenly realised that his knife wasn’t in its usual place in his boot.

 _I don’t need it_ , he chided himself. _What am I going to do with it anyway? Slice up Erwin? He hasn’t actually done anything wrong. That was a shitty dream, not reality._

He was still clutching his bundle of clothes and his boots in his arms in front of himself protectively, and set them on a chair with the intent to begin dressing. For some reason, he felt ill at ease being naked in front of the other man and wanted to hide his body as quickly as possible. Not touching him yet, Erwin stood a respectful distance and observed his guarded body language as Levi began to sort through the garments, “Do you want some water? Or something to eat?”

The adrenaline had yet to fully wear off, but it was starting to and it left his body and mind feeling heavy and tired. His patience had worn thin from dealing with his shitty wake-up and he snapped, “Why the fuck would I want something to eat in the middle of the night? I’m not hungry, I just need to be alone for a while.”

 _Don’t let me leave_ , his inner voice begged Erwin silently. _Don’t let me leave._ Levi tried to shut it up, muting the voice by mumbling swear words instead.

Erwin continued to speak to him in a composed, collected manner, “Levi, if you had a nightmare, it could be to do with what we talked about earlier. Sometimes after engaging in roleplay sex like we did tonight, our minds can become exhausted and process things in odd ways after, and it can be frightening and confusing.” Blondie took a cautious step forward and reached a hand out, fingers lightly touching Levi’s flank. “I’m here, and I can help you.”

At first, Levi was sure that he would jerk away from the contact and continue with his original plan to get the fuck away from the older man and sit alone silently until dawn broke. But once he felt the warmth and gentleness behind the touch, all thoughts of leaving and brooding on his own vanished, and he leaned in gratefully. He could hear Erwin letting out a sigh of relief, then his lover stepped forward and wrapped his whole frame around him. Suddenly terribly heavy, Levi sagged forward and allowed Erwin to take his weight. A big hand clasped Levi’s head against his broad, warm chest, and lips pressed into his hair.

A head rush swept over Levi, and a tumbling, jumbled mess of muddled thoughts poured forth, leaving him confused and disorientated. “Where is he?” He could hear himself asking. “Is he still here? Where am I?”

Erwin’s placid voice rumbled into Levi’s ear, pressed tightly as it was against the man’s solid form, “You are in the Survey Corps Headquarters in our rooms. He isn’t here, it’s only me. Erwin. You’re safe here with me.”

“Am I hurt?”

“No, you’re fine.”

In a strange sense of déjà vu, Levi was sure Erwin had said these things once before, when his mind had gone on a strange and disordered wander when he had thought too hard about the attack he had endured.

Tongue feeling thick and too big for his mouth, he mumbled, “It was so real, Erwin. He was…….” Levi blinked, “-and then you were……and I couldn't-” He shook his head to try and clear the nebulous haze that was permeating his thoughts, but the fog remained thick and impenetrable. Except, it seemed, to Erwin’s voice.

“Come back to bed,” was implored in his ear.

“Yes,” he answered, hardly realising it was himself saying it. His shirt was taken from where it was still bunched tightly in his hands and he felt his legs being swept up from under him.

The solace of his partner’s embrace chased the demons away, and before he knew it he was back in bed and melting into the warmth and familiarly comforting smell of his favourite person in the whole world.

A cold, wet cloth was wiped across his face, his forearms, his groin and legs. “Lift your hips,” His pyjama pants were being pulled on, then his arms were threaded through the sleeves of a nightshirt, quick hands doing up the buttons. Erwin was also now fully dressed in nightwear and slipping into bed beside him, holding him just the way he needed to be.

“I don’t understand,” Levi felt as though his voice was slurring. Erwin clearly wanted to talk through some of this shit, but it was proving difficult to remain awake now that he was horizontal and a large hand was raking pleasantly through his hair. “I’m sorry for being such a bastard, I don’t know what-“

“Shhhhhh,” Erwin stole his apology with a soft kiss. “I know you don’t understand.”

 _He’s going to leave_ , a nasty voice whispered in his head. _You expect him to put up you with being an utter ball sack just because you had a bad dream?_

Face creasing in distress, Levi buried his head against Erwin, “I’m so sorry, you must be sick of all my fucking shit.”

A large hand smoothed up and down his back, “This isn’t your fault and you’re half-asleep. Close your eyes and we will talk tomorrow.”

“Are you going to stay with me?”

Erwin shuffled them into a more comfortable position, “Of course I will. We’ll talk about it in the morning. Get some rest and in the morning we will-”

He was unconscious before Erwin could even finish his sentence.

When he next opened his eyes, it was long after dawn and Erwin was already awake. Birds were chirping cheerfully outside to each other and people’s laughter and chatter was just about audible in the far distance. Levi’s left arm and leg were thrown across Erwin’s form, and the blonde lay flat on his back under him; Levi could almost hear the man’s thoughts whirring around and around in his giant head. One of his huge hands rested gently on Levi’s thigh, and the other arm was curled around his whole body to anchor them together. Sensing Levi had stirred, Erwin turned his head and gave him a small, sad smile. Unwilling to speak or mentally process anything quite yet, Levi let out a slow breath through his nose and buried his cheek back against a large pec. The reassuringly steady _thump thump_ of his lover’s heart in his ear was soothing, and Levi let his eyes drift shut again, wanting a few more moments of peace before being subject to one of Erwin’s well-meaning debriefings.

~~~~~

“Momma?”

A quiet voice roused Erwin from a light stage of sleep. Everyone on site was fast asleep around them; it was even still too early for the birds outside to have started singing, and the old building made its usual night-time creaking noises as the temperature outside fluctuated. During the night, he had curled himself snugly around Levi and had shoved one large thigh between the other man’s smaller ones. One of his arms was acting as a pillow for his partner, and the other was flush to Levi’s chest. It was warm and cosy, and he was loathe for Levi to move from the comfortable position. So when the younger man began to reach out in his sleep, Erwin put a hand around his upper arm and pulled it back in under the covers.

“Shhhhh,” he breathed gently into the mop of dark hair. “You’re asleep.” He had rather anticipated there might be at least some repercussions from engaging in their little roleplay, and wasn’t surprised that Levi was experiencing vivid dreams from his past.

Despite the scenario they had re-enacted being within the safety of their bedroom and lacking any real danger, one’s body could still view the whole process as stressful, especially if they found it as impactful as Levi’s imagination had. The stress response Levi’s body had undergone at the time was an entirely appropriate response to the fear and excitement of their pretended encounter, as though it had been a real danger occurring in real time. The cocktail of hormones it produced had the power to create a blissful high, and Erwin had even heard it referred to sexual heroin, with the crash and burn after being not dissimilar to a mental and physical cold-turkey. And the deeper one fell into it, the harder the crash afterwards.

Levi seemed to be able to get very deep very quickly in their imaginative play, and Erwin knew that in future he would need to keep a closer eye on the man. His mind wandered to another playmate of his. Perhaps on his next visit to the duchess, he could ask for her experienced opinion and knowledge on the matter, sure that she would be pleased at him feeling able to come to her for advice.

The first time he had met the fabulous dowager was at a ball she had thrown herself to celebrate her seventieth birthday and her new status as a rich and free widow. Recently having taken the helm after the untimely death of his predecessor, Shadis had taken along the then twenty-something year old Erwin with him to win hearts and minds. The still-very-attractive older woman had taken a fancy to the young blonde’s charms and had whispered promises to him that she would give him a night that he wouldn’t forget in a hurry. He had been intrigued, and was sure that he could wrangle something out of it for the corps benefit too.

Eyes closed, Erwin smiled to himself as he thought back to that first night with the mature woman. At the time, he had been rather an innocent to kinks, but the duchess had long stopped worrying about hiding her perversions from those who chose to frequent her bedchamber, and she showed him the metaphorical and literal ropes of engaging in some rather interesting sex games. She had entreated him to allow her to take control in a way her deceased husbands’ had never tolerated, tying Erwin up and using a flimsy whip to pretend to discipline him, then verbally abusing him and edging him to climax as he pretended to be one of her misbehaving servants. He had joked with her that by introducing him to such potentials for debauchery, she had been the one who had taken his true innocence from him. _That_ had delighted her. It had all been rather fun, and during it he had felt quite extraordinarily good. However, the experienced woman had warned him that such feelings were temporary, and that some people could go on to feel rather low for a few days afterwards. About forty eight hours later, he _had_ ended up feeling absurdly tired and wanting to eat more than usual, but it was nothing he felt unable to handle.

Since then, he had continued to indulge her once a year at her birthday galas, with each encounter being slightly weirder than the last, and although he enjoyed playing along with her games, his heart wasn’t in it the way it had been the night before with Levi. She wasn’t a jealous woman, and liked to hear Erwin’s veiled descriptions of his exploits with other women. Of course, she would then punish him after in rather creative ways for his adulterous affairs. He would anticipate the brief high during the act followed by a couple of days of feeling rather shitty on his own. She _had_ offered to have him stay for a few days after so she could pamper him as part of her kink, but Erwin wasn’t convinced it was what he needed.

Erwin hummed to himself. Perhaps next time he visited her bed, Levi could take care of him afterwards; the way the younger man had anticipated Erwin’s needs and looked after him following his evening with the countess had been indescribably sweet. Unconsciously, he tightened his hold around Levi as he remembered the feel of his loving, warm, slippery hands roaming over his body, reminding him he was cherished. It was something they could talk about later. He had guessed it would take some experimenting to work out exactly what both men needed from each other after their own play, but he already knew that Levi was a sucker for a warm bath and having his hair petted, and Erwin found that an apple or two did himself well enough after his scenes with the dowager- a bit of sugar acting as an artificial mood boost.

Since his trysts with the duchess had commenced, he had tried playing out roles and using restraints with other willing partners closer to home, but this time with himself in charge. Although he had always enjoyed such encounters, he had never taken them too seriously, not really knowing the other person well enough to concern himself overly about their well-being afterwards. They were usually one-night stands with men and women who had families and jobs to return to the next day, and they often had well-established self-care routines that they were happy to implement themselves. Of course at the time he would comfort them if they were sad, or enjoy their natural high with them as long as it lasted. He had learned from the duchess’ experience that all emotional responses after sex were valid, but Erwin had never before tried this type of sex with someone whose inner workings and previous traumas he knew so very well, and knew were so very terrible. If the time came in the next few days that Levi did feel negatively affected by what had happened, Erwin had already planned on letting him be sad and upset, comforting and reassuring him that such feelings were natural and to be expected. Then they could start the slow process of rebuilding stronger walls of protection and resilience together.

Levi wasn’t the kind of man to actively overthink things and get himself wound up on purpose, but brains were strange things, and often tried to incorporate new skills and information in weird and wonderful ways. Sometimes it could manifest itself as an improvement in mood and behaviour. Other times it could result in disastrous consequences.

He now felt he more fully understood what it was the duchess sought from sex like this- the feeling of control and power, the desire to watch someone else let go of their vulnerabilities completely and utterly due to his words and actions over them, and then be present in the moments after to comfort and guide the other partner down from their natural high. One time after sex with the dowager, they had lain in bed together and while she ran her hands over his muscled body and allowed him to pet her, she had explained to him how letting go could help one find out things about themselves, and even help them learn to trust others better.

It was glorious and rare to find someone who trusted him enough to allow him to get really deep inside their head, and indeed many people simply weren’t able to open themselves up to their deepest levels. They often wanted to, heck sometimes they needed to. But the baggage and trauma of their life would hold them back and it could take very deep play to draw that part of them out. Erwin had certainly never been able to do it.

Although Levi had yet to get to that place of totally letting go- with the subsequent indescribable feelings that apparently came along with it- he seemed to have gotten deep enough into their roleplay to have experienced a frightening temporary loss of coherency, and it could herald his mood plummeting sharply in the days to come, with dark, cold, hard feelings coming to the fore. He knew the younger man’s trust in him was absolute, and it had given the more experienced man the sense that he had failed him the night before, and he was going to ensure that was rectified by any means necessary. In future, Erwin needed to learn how to reel himself him and not get too carried away with his own pleasure, and to take better care of Levi when he trustingly handed over control of his body to him. 

Erwin was tugged out of his thoughts by the man in his arms letting out a low whine. In an unexpected and swift movement, Levi was out of his embrace and trying to crawl backwards along the bed, but the crown of his head smacked the headboard and he could go no further. Getting onto his hands and knees, Erwin fished for a matchbox in the bedside drawer. Striking a match and lighting the bedside lamp, Erwin got his first glimpse of how terrified his partner looked. The slight man cried out as if in pain and then went strangely still, freezing up, mouth open in a silent scream. His eyes were wide open, seeing horrors Erwin couldn’t.

Under his knee the bed felt wet. Before they had gone to sleep, Levi had insisted on lying on a towel in the bed, so convinced was he that he was going to leak badly from all the oil they had used and from Erwin repeatedly coming inside him. The blonde had tried to convince him that it was unlikely, but the younger man had just stared at him in disgust and shaken his head. Erwin had been right, and up until now the towel had been dry, but it seemed as if the dream Levi was experiencing was so frightening that his partner had lost control of his bladder. At least the presence of the towel meant that the bed itself wasn’t actually wet and would be easy to sort out.

“Levi?” Erwin called out. _Was this a seizure?_ He asked himself as he observed his unresponsive partner laying tense and rigid on the bed.

Since he had witnessed Levi having a fit previously, Erwin had read up on seizures and was now better acquainted with how they could manifest. At the time he had felt so utterly helpless, and hadn’t really been sure if Levi was dying or not. During it, Levi had been non-verbal, so the fact he was speaking a few words and making small noises told him that this couldn’t be a fit. That he was also making purposeful movements rather than just uncoordinated muscle twitches also went some way to alleviate his concerns. It looked more like he was acting out a dream. Levi was a terrible sleeper, often dozing so lightly that even the smallest noise or movement would awaken him; really it bordered on being a disorder. Whenever he was tired enough to actually sleep in a bed, he would often get up and wander about in his sleep, act out tasks and could even hold bizarre conversations which could be rather amusing at times. His sleep often betrayed his true feelings and thoughts on things, and it could be fun to hold a conversation with asleep-Levi. But this time the other man was so impenetrably deep in his dream that calling his name alone didn’t seem enough to draw him out of it, trapped as he was in the ravaging clutches of his nightmare.

A terrible, strangled rasp escaped out from Levi’s constricted throat, “No, Erwin? No-" Then he went as limp as a ragdoll and tears began streaming down the sides of his face, eyes still wide and unseeing. 

Erwin’s stomach gave a sickening lurch. Gripping the younger man’s shoulders, Erwin started to try and shake the other man awake, sure that leaving him trapped in his dream was crueller than a rude awakening. Finally Levi escaped the stranglehold of his nightmare, leaping through a mental portal back to reality’s dimension only to begin a frenzied attempt to fight Erwin off.

He could see Levi was experiencing a dizzying wave of adrenaline, uncontested by any rational thought. The agitated man made a lunge to his left and smashed face-first into the wall with a sickening crack, breaking his nose in the process. Erwin winced at the sound. The pain seemed to re-orientate him somewhat, and Levi ceased attacking him and leapt from the bed, heading straight towards the bathroom and slamming the door behind him in a clear warning to keep out.

His last sight of Levi’s retreating form was of the man covered in blood and looking bewildered, addled and not wholly lucid. It troubled him. The man’s brain was probably scrambled and had gone haywire from being abruptly woken from his disturbing dream.

Through the door Erwin could hear retching and panting. Leaning his forehead against it, he tried a few times to ask permission to enter and was denied rather rudely each time.

Knowing better that to force his way into the bathroom, Erwin busied himself ensuring the bed was dry and clean, hiding the evidence of the wet towel and slightly damp sheet. Unsure as to whether Levi would know what had occurred, Erwin decided to keep schtum about it this time, remembering how upset he had been when it had happened before during his seizure. Then he fished out his pyjama pants to wear, suspicious that Levi wasn’t in the mood to appreciate his naked form at present.

The gears in his mind turned frantically as he tried to figure out exactly what had happened. From what he could gather, Levi had been stuck in a dream where he must have been a child, and a very young one at that judging by the manner in which he had called out for his mother. He had then been trying to defend himself against an attacker, and it didn’t take Erwin’s whole genius to work out who it might have been. But the fact that Levi had then called for _Erwin_ to stop made his stomach churn. Had Levi’s childhood attacker morphed into himself in the dream? It would explain his angry, bitter tone towards him, and Erwin felt sickened and physically unwell at the thought.

Feeling hurt and angry at Levi for comparing him to such a monster, he had to remind himself that this wasn’t an active choice on the other man’s part; it was Levi’s brain trying its best to heal itself, albeit in an illogical way that had upset and frightened them both. His partner was experiencing the musings and recalibration of a mind in current chaos, a mind that from a tender age had lacked the love and support all children needed to thrive emotionally and become stable adults with well-adapted strategies for dealing with hurt and setbacks. Along the way in life, Levi had undoubtedly picked up some rather maladaptive habits in his quest to protect himself from the shady world around him. Submitting to their mutual desire for a non-consensual play session had meant letting Erwin peel back all the layers of protection Levi had built up around his mind and emotions over the years. The coping mechanisms that had worked to get him through his previously difficult and challenging life had been temporarily stripped away until the fragile inner workings lay exposed. Erwin was sure he was the only man alive who knew just how delicate they were.

With last night’s intense sexual experience having flooded Levi’s system with hormones from mixing fear with pleasure, Levi’s brain was now drained and short on the chemicals needed to give him a boost from this mood dump, and he was likely temporarily incapable of acting rationally. Erwin had a strong suspicion of what Levi was going to attempt next, and decided he couldn’t let him run off to lick his wounds alone. Sometimes people did stupid things when the balance of hormones in their system was out of whack from edgy play. Levi’s subconscious was clearly having doubts as to how a man who claimed to love him also got off so much on the idea of forcing him into sex, and he needed immediate reassurance that his lover wasn’t a man to be feared and was categorically not interested in hurting him.

Luckily, there were no windows in the bathroom for Levi to escape from, and besides that his clothes were all still in the bedroom. Taking a seat in the office, Erwin lay in wait for Levi to emerge. It was another ten minutes before the ex-criminal tried to sneak stealthily out of the bedroom and he looked rather disappointed to see the blonde scuppering his plan.

Levi looked terrible. His eyes were haunted by whatever he had seen in his nightmares, staring at Erwin as though he was afraid he would turn violent or abusive, and worried that he himself might attack Erwin by accident if he got too near. The pert nose was swollen and crushed looking, and he was definitely going to have a black eye by morning. The normally fastidiously-clean man hadn’t even managed to rid himself of all the blood stains on his face and arms, which spoke volumes as to his current frame of mind.

Levi wasn’t a man to be coddled, nor did he seek such attention with any sort of predictable frequency. The majority of the time Levi’s distress could be hard to pick up on. Tonight was not one of those times. Levi’s ratty behaviour was frustrating to say the least. Erwin himself was tired and wrung out, and it would have been easier to have let the grumpy man go to clean something like he wanted and sort through his emotions alone. His younger self would have been selfish, allowing it and heading back to bed for some peace and quiet, content to pick up the pieces later. But with age, experience and the mature protective love he felt for this less-experienced man who was always willing to give so much of himself, Erwin recognised that it would be an error to mistake this mulish, stubborn crankiness for bad behaviour, when it actually was a cry from Levi’s subconscious for help, patience and care from the man he trusted and loved. Levi’s mind was too embroiled in trying to sort out what had happened earlier that night to allow him to act patiently and rationally, and Erwin knew that time spent now smoothing out the emotional creases would save dealing with worse fallout in the future.

Erwin steeled himself, finding it surprisingly hard to push down all his own emotions and take a cool-headed and logical approach to the situation at hand. It made him feel like Levi’s therapist rather than his loving partner, but one of them had to remain composed and be the voice of reason. Besides, objectivity was Erwin’s safe place to be and it gave him the head space to deal with the potential unpredictability of Levi’s spontaneous outbursts of emotion: there might be tears, irrationality, fear, or any number of things. He took a deep breath and reminded himself to recognise them all for what they were; Levi’s need to be comforted, and looked after, to be held, told how much he was needed, and how important he was. Erwin set his jaw; he would persevere, accept Levi’s irrationality and anger, and look past it.

 _He’s not doing it on purpose_ , he reminded himself, determined not to let Levi’s brash behaviour and words get to him. _He probably doesn’t even understand why he feels so dreadful._

As Levi once again told him to fuck off and leave him be, Erwin noticed that this time the look in his grey eyes was inconsistent with his words, his body language contradicting his demand to be left alone. He looked cagey and insecure at being in a state of undress, and Erwin tried to keep his gaze fixed on Levi’s face and not look further down as he moved closer. He was glad now to be wearing pants; perhaps with his genitals tucked away, Levi would let him get closer and touch him without shying away.

Watchful, wary eyes regarded the tall, blonde man as he made a deliberately unrushed approach towards him. Demonstrating that he was unarmed and not a threat, Erwin continued his slow advance forward. Levi’s hand twitched as though wishing a knife were in it, and it made Erwin cautious; it was undoubtedly a learned-response to the danger Levi felt he was in at the present moment, and although the blonde was pretty sure he was coming out of this intact, he didn’t want to provoke something Levi would regret come morning.

He was breathlessly relieved when Levi relented to his reassurances and leaned into the brush of his fingertips. He hadn’t been entirely sure where was safe to touch, but his hand had wandered to Levi’s side of its own volition and it caused all the resistance bleed out of him. In one movement, Erwin closed the distance and pulled Levi up into himself, sure that the other man was close to physical and mental collapse. As Levi relaxed physically, he lost coherency, mumbling questions and sounding terribly lost. It was clear that he had lost his grip on reality, his emotions spiralling out of control, and Erwin knew it was time for him to take over.

Levi’s tremulous legs were unlikely to get going anytime soon, so Erwin bundled him up into his arms and carried him back into the bedroom. Briefly, he considered showering the man further to get rid of the rest of the blood smeared across him, but Levi seemed too distressed for that. He compromised by giving him a quick wipe-down with a wet cloth, also wanting to check he was clean down-below. Sensing that the other man felt too vulnerable to be left naked, Erwin grabbed his nightwear and dressed him, then climbed back into bed. He kept the lamp burning, hoping it might help Levi stay orientated and feel safer. 

Once they were laying together and he had Levi cradled in his arms, the younger man suddenly became very uncharacteristically clingy, and was all apologies and shame, his expression and tone almost fearful lest Erwin felt overburdened and decided to leave due to what probably now seemed to the lost young man like completely inappropriate and inexplicable behaviour. He didn’t yet understand that it was likely the result of their intense session causing messed-up brain chemistry; his mind had crashed and burned following the intense adrenaline and endorphin spike earlier, and had yet to replenish and reboot itself. Erwin regretted not mentioning the possibility of such nasty consequences resulting from kinky sex.

“Will you stay with me?” Levi asked almost inaudibly. His harrowed eyes were crinkled in distress and his body language displayed how defenceless he felt. There was something very childlike in his demeanour which made Erwin want to envelope him and never let go. Truly, in that moment, he was at Erwin’s mercy. 

Levi’s frazzled mind had created a rack for itself, torturing itself in the process of trying to decipher and compute what had transpired earlier, triggering feelings of insecurity, of being lost and alone. The blonde wasn’t sure whether the question referred to remaining in bed or the relationship in general, but decided to offer yet more reassurances that he wasn’t planning on going anywhere. This seemed to somewhat alleviate his partner’s fears and return him to a sense of security.

Erwin sighed and rubbed his eyebrows. Well, this wasn’t how he had envisaged tonight going. And the morning wasn’t likely to be any more fun either. Levi was already half-asleep in his arms, and as much as Erwin would have liked for him to stay awake so he could explain what had happened and talk the other man down, it was pointless to try and keep Levi awake or expect him to be able to engage sensibly when he was in this state. It would have to wait; reparative discussion and further care could take place in the morning.

Erwin lay awake as his partner snoozed against him, unable to return to sleep now that his own mind was going a mile a minute trying to process all that had happened. It was a good thing they had two whole days off to recuperate and re-group. In his head he was already planning how and when to debrief- perhaps after some food and while in bed or the bath where there was a lot of physical contact. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he considered how to make it informal rather than turning it into something reminiscent of a post-mission military cross-examination in the manner he was prone to revert to when dealing with difficult to discuss topics.

As he held the now-relaxed, warm figure against himself, Erwin watched as the darkness surrounding them vanished, the colours in the room changing as the sun rose. Red morning light bled through the cracks in the curtains, followed by the lively yellow of a new spring morning. The air smelled fresh and earthy, as if it had rained overnight, and soon the sounds of people and horses hooves drifted up from the courtyard. Eventually, Levi stirred in his arms and lifted his dark head to briefly give him a sleepy look before dropping back down and returning to a light doze, clearly not yet ready to face the world.

Erwin stretched and yawned, scratching his chest. His stomach rumbled noisily, reminding him that breakfast would in all likelihood soon stop being served. He glanced at the clock, deciding he would head down to the mess hall and grab a couple of plates of food to bring back and eat in private, feeling Levi was unlikely to be particularly sociable this morning. Then they could get down to the serious business of the day- indulging in cuddling and warm touch together and engaging in open, honest and sincere communication with clear heads; using it as a chance to build on their intimacy and strengthen their bond.

As reticent as Levi was to openly voice his sexual preferences, Erwin suspected getting him to discuss intimacy would be even trickier. For many, the discussion of intimacy was easily eschewed in favour of more fun and easier to cope with conversations about the physical act of sex. People often misunderstood the concept of intimacy and failed to make a clear distinction between it and sex, making it synonymous with sexual activity when in fact they were two separate things. It had taken Erwin over thirty years to appreciate the complexity involved in intimacy; the ability to be vulnerable and let one’s guard down, and to be emotionally available when needed. Despite Levi being less sexually experienced than himself, he had an emotional maturity that brought an interesting stability to Erwin’s own sense of where he belonged in the world. In return, Erwin felt he could provide the verbal acumen to guide a relaxed chat distanced in time from the roleplay and Levi’s nightmare. It might also help the other man get used to the idea of negotiation; Erwin hoped it would improve their ability to communicate with each other and help them refine what they were doing together, so that if there was a next time for play they would be more in tune with each other’s desires and limitations. Multiple discussions over time would get progressively easier and allow them to navigate their sexual interests and refine their activity to a level that suited them both.

Despite how much he had enjoyed their little experience, Erwin was fully prepared to give up this particular form of escapism in the indulging of his sexual fantasies if Levi gave the word. He couldn’t deny it would be difficult to take a step back in the knowledge they might never act out little scenes together again, but there were many other ways of couple bonding, and their relationship was far more than just their activities in bed. He lay and pondered how to engage the other man and make him feel that his lesser experience didn’t diminish his input into the conversation.

Erwin’s eyes travelled over to his bookcase, and rested on the spines of the books. An idea had sprang into his mind- there might be _one_ way of initiating some stimulating conversation about intimacy, one where they would be on fairly even footing and might both learn something. A smirk broke out on his face and he felt sure this idea was a winner. He made a mental note to stop at the bookshop at his next available opportunity to see if one very specific order had yet come in. 

Deciding to end his musings for the time being, Erwin gently rolled Levi onto his other side and let him sleep on. When he entered the bathroom to wash, he was unsurprised to find it in a bad state. Bloody hand prints were dotted around on various surfaces, displaying the journey Levi had taken around the room. It looked like the scene of a murder and took a good while to clean properly. 

It was clear just how exhausted Levi was from the fact that the sounds from the shower running, Erwin getting dressed and later returning to the room with breakfast didn’t rouse him. Before heading out, Erwin had the sense of mind to grab the soiled linen from the bedroom and bathroom, tossing them into laundry, lest Levi found them once he awoke.

The ceramic plates gave a dull clink as they were set down on the round, wooden table, “Levi,” Erwin placed a pot of tea on the table beside them. “Are you feeling ready to wake up? I’m sure you’re hungry. I brought some food.”

“Mmmmmmm,” the angular face turned towards the delicious smell wafting from the plate of hot food. “Is that eggs I smell?” There were small creases imprinted across Levi’s face from where he had it smushed into the crinkled sheets as he slept, and he had the worst case of bed head Erwin had ever seen on the man. It was very cute. His nose looked a bit swollen and bruised, but it wasn’t as bad as Erwin had imagined it would be.

“Yes, omelette. And there’s cheese and spring onion in it.”

“Alright.” Slender arms gripped the headboard as he gave a full-body stretch, “You win. I’m up.” Levi swung his feet around to place them on the floor and looked down at himself, surprised to be fully dressed. Then his face went slightly red as he recalled his behaviour the night before. “Erwin,” he began without looking up from where his feet rested on the floor, “I don’t know what came over me last night. I think I had a bad dream and it unsettled me. I was behaving childishly and it won’t happen again.”

“Eat. Then we need to talk,” Erwin raised his hands in placation when Levi looked up at him, his expression alarmed. “I’m not upset at you. Far from it. I think I owe you an explanation of what all happened last night. You weren’t just being sour for no reason.”

Face difficult to read, Levi finally glanced up, “Really?” He stepped across the room to grab a piece of buttered toast and took a delicate bite, sitting back on the bed with his legs crossed under him. “I was super weird and obnoxious to you. I didn’t feel like myself at all. I still don’t fully.”

Taking one of the wooden chairs, Erwin poured two steaming cups of tea, “Yes your behaviour was decidedly odd, but that wasn’t your fault- you were having a mood drop after our roleplay. It can happen; it’s common after enacting something intense like we did. For the time being I think we should put roleplaying on the back bench and go back to normal until we can iron out the problems we encountered last night.”

“Are you angry? About the dream?” It wasn’t exactly _fear_ that Erwin could discern in the questioning tone, but in that moment he could tell Levi felt emotionally adrift and needed reeled back in.

He sighed and moved to sit beside the younger man on the bed, “I was taken aback and upset, but not directly at you. It hurts that I’ve managed to make a connection in your head between myself and the bastard that harmed you. I don’t want that association.”

Running a hand through his messy, dark hair, Levi gave a small nod, “Yeah. I get that. I don't want it either.” He swallowed thickly, still not quite himself yet.

Erwin placed a gentle hand on Levi’s knee at the man’s discountenanced appearance, “Hey,” he squeezed, “it’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out; muddle through it together, yeah?”

Levi sat very still for a few seconds, “Will I be enough for you? Even if we never did that again?”

“Yes,” The word came out without hesitation and Levi turned to look up at him. Erwin was sure he had never said anything with more conviction and he fixed Levi’s gaze with an intense stare as he continued. “When our world’s first clashed and our paths collided, I had no idea what it would truly mean; all I saw at first was a titan-killing machine that I sought to control. Then I got to know the man you are, the man who sees me at my worst, yet only talks about my best. The man whose unwavering support means everything to me. I honestly thought that my dream and life goals would forever keep me an exile from happiness and true love. You have shown me that needn’t be the case. I love _you,_ not what you chose to do in bed with me.”

Snorting a little laugh out through his nose, Levi’s lips pulled upwards at the corners. “Wow, that's a fucking intense way to start the day, Erwin. Alright, you big sap. You’ve convinced me.” Standing up and taking his seat at the table, Levi picked up the cutlery and set to work on his omelette.

Feeling this brief chat would suffice for now, Erwin started on his own toast and changed the subject, “Later on I might have a surprise to show you that could give us both some interesting insights into our usual love life, if you feel up to it.” Hopefully later on they could pick up the conversation again.

A fine eyebrow quirked up, “Oh? Intriguing.”

Erwin was unable to hide a sly grin that showed off both rows of beautifully straight teeth, “Yes. If we go into town I'll stop at the bookshop and see if it has arrived yet.”

Chewing slowly, Levi regarded him suspiciously, “Is it another fucking sex novel?”

“Not quite,” Erwin was jittery with anticipation and gave a cheeky wink. “Today we are going to do nice relaxing things together; whatever you’d like- go out riding, workout together, card games, massages. You name it. Then tonight we can sit together and read the new book by the fire with tea and wine.”

“Sounds nice.” The trust had returned to Levi’s eyes once again and the last remnants of tension seeped out from his shoulders.

They exchanged a soft smile and Erwin felt a small, bare foot rest atop his own as Levi looked down and continued to eat. The curtains fluttered gently in the breeze as the sounds of metal cutlery met ceramic plate, and Erwin allowed himself a minute to enjoy this quiet moment of peaceful domesticity together, the smile having not left his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually based on a dream I had about these two, so I quickly decided to dash down some thoughts and it turned easily into a chapter, albeit a pretty horrible one. Things will look up a bit in the next few chapters, I promise!
> 
> As always, thank you for your comments. I love reading them and chatting to you guys, and I get really excited when I see a new comment.
> 
> And thanks yet again to photogiraffe77 for pre-reading this for me, and helping me out when I can't seem to find the right word or phrase. It's really appreciated!


	24. Mit Guten im Verein, ist besser als allein

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let you all know, I have added a chunk of story to the end of chapter 6 where they have their first cuddle in bed!

A brisk knocking resounded at the main entrance to Erwin’s office. Levi recognised the pattern and instantly frowned.

“I’ll get it,” Erwin stated, setting down his tea and heading out into the office.

“Yeah because me answering it pissed off in fucking pyjamas at this hour wouldn’t look weird at all,” Levi muttered after him. As he brought his own cup to his lips, Levi grimaced as he heard Eppler’s annoyingly chipper voice greeting the blonde. Apparently he had brought his post, and wanted to know if he could be of any assistance today.

“Tell him to fuck off,” Levi pleaded quietly to no one in particular.

Thankfully, that was exactly what Erwin did, though rather more politely than Levi would have done. He reappeared in the bedroom and sat down at the table with his post.

“Have you decided what you would like to do with the rest of today?” The blonde asked as he opened an expensive-looking envelope.

Levi hummed, “Is it too late to go to that place by the river that you like, under your favourite tree? I fancy getting out of here for a bit.”

Glancing at his watch, Erwin made a few quick calculations, “It’s nearly ten o’clock now, but we could bring a tent and camp overnight to make it worth our while travelling all that way.” Apparently excited at the prospect of camping with his favourite person in his favourite place in the world, Erwin began to formulate a plan, “Shall we stay the night? Build a fire and camp under the stars like we did before our first kiss?”

Levi’s eyes lit up. “You read my mind, Blondie.”

He was even more pleased to see Erwin picking out casual clothes for the trip and laying them out on the bed; a warm woollen jumper and his fur-lined winter coat. Although it was spring, the mornings and evenings were still crisp and often frosty. He sipped his tea as he watched Erwin pull his pants and underwear on, enjoying the way the blonde’s butt cheeks bounced slightly as he did so. 

“And I want some of that nice shit from the delicatessen on the way there.”

“Mmmm hmmmm,” Erwin replied, sitting back down and reading through the letter he had just opened.

As Erwin’s eyes scanned each page, he chuckled and smiled, his face growing soft. Still reading in silence, he stood and headed into his office where another fire was also lit, feeding the leaves into it one at a time as he was finished. Levi watched from a distance as the pages caught fire, their edges furling and then blackening. Then, as if he had never received any letter at all, Erwin sat back down opposite him, and the matter was never discussed again. Levi sipped his tea in silence; Erwin yet had his secrets- papers written in code with ciphers Levi wasn't privy to, letters that the blonde burned without discussing with him, a whole folder of correspondence he didn't have permission to see. Whether it was for his or Erwin’s own safety or for some less savoury reason, Levi chose not to pry. He had agreed to give Erwin his independence and let him keep his secrets, after all. Besides, the less information he knew, the fewer classified things he had to worry about spilling if the First Interior Squad ever came his way again.

Finishing a piece of toast, Erwin dabbed at his mouth with a napkin and smiled at him, “We had better head on soon. I need to speak with Shadis, then I’ll get a few things ready and meet you at the horses in an hour.”

“Sure.”

As soon as Erwin left, Levi stacked the dishes on the tray, then headed to the bathroom to perform his ablutions. Once dressed, he packed his leather rucksack and threw it over one shoulder, picking up the tray with the intent of washing up in the scullery. But just as he was about to push open the door with one foot, he heard a scuffling emanating from the office. Knowing that Erwin didn’t sneak around his own quarters and praying that it wasn’t a large rat, Levi quietly set down the bag and tray, putting an ear to the door.

 _Someone_ was definitely in there; it was too big to be vermin. With the element of surprise on his side, he booted the door wide open and was not wholly surprised to see Fritz Eppler kneeling at the fireside. The fire had long gone out, and it looked as if the young man were sweeping the ashes up into a pan.

“Hey brat,”

On the door slamming open, Eppler leapt ten feet into the air, ashes scattering into the air as he did so. Levi groaned. What a fucking mess.

“S-sir?” Still holding his brush and pan, the young man stuttered, hair and uniform grey with ash. “I wasn’t expecting anyone to be here.”

“No shit.” Ash continued to rain slowly down around them. “I was getting Erwin’s breakfast tray to bring down. What the fuck are _you_ doing here?” He gave an accusatory look.

As Levi surveyed the devastation, his eyes widened slightly on seeing that not all of Erwin’s letter had completely burned away. Whoever wrote it must have used vellum to correspond- animal skin stretched and scraped so thin that one could write on it. It was expensive, remarkably flame retardant, and typically used by the older generation. One particularly large piece had fluttered down through the air as it was flung up, and landed at the side of Levi’s boot. He picked up what remained of the letter and scrutinised it- large swirly letters had been written in painstaking effort across the scrap. Even without seeing the whole sentence, Levi suspected it was from the duchess. She was probably the oldest, richest person in the world from Mike’s brief account of her, and few people’s letters made Erwin grin the way hers seemed to.

“Just so you know-” Levi made his voice purposely soft and threatening, not looking up from the parchment, “-clearing the hearth is my job. I’d better not see you doing it again.” From now on, he vowed, nothing would remain in the ashes that Erwin didn’t want anyone to find.

The young man was sweaty and pale as he dropped the brush and pan, flinging himself into a hasty salute, “N-n-no sir!” With that, he ran out of the room.

Sighing, Levi picked up the abandoned brush and pan and got to work.

~~~~

“Shit Levi, did you fall out of the wrong side of the bed this morning? What’s with the smashed up face?”

Hanji had been building up the mental strength to spending the day cataloguing a set of wayward papers that had grown on their desk, but had decided to have a mid-morning stroll in order to procrastinate just a little longer. It was with some surprise that they saw Levi at the stables, apparently heading off on an adventure somewhere. The bridge of his nose was slightly swollen, and his upper lip looked as if it had taken a hit.

He hesitated just a little too long before answering, “It’s just from a spar. I let a punch get through.”

Snorting in disbelief, Hanji folded their arms. “Well, _that’s_ definitely a lie. You let Erwin rough you up in bed a bit, didn’t you? It’s alright to have some weird kinks you know.”

“That is absolutely not what happened.” Levi continued in his attempt to pretend to focus far too hard on saddling up his horse. There were a few things from the store being attached to the saddle, including a tent, a tarp and a sleeping roll. Plus fire lighters.

“You going somewhere?” They enquired.

“Camping.”

It was like drawing blood from a stone sometimes. Leaning against the stable, Hanji let out a dramatic sigh, “It’s alright to tell me. I’ll not gossip. Besides, I have to live my sex life vicariously at the moment, so really I have no choice but to pry.”

“Oh?” Finally turning to look at them, Levi gave a look that showed a slight amount of curiosity, “Going through a dry spell? Have you tired him out too much?”

“Who?”

“Berner, of course.”

Hanji waved a dismissive hand, “He isn’t interested in me that way. Just my mind and our work together.”

“Tcchh,” Levi looked back to what he was doing. “How can someone so observant about everyone else be so fucking blind when it comes to themselves? He follows your smelly, crazy ass around like a fucking puppy.”

“Like how _you_ follow _Erwin_ around?” They taunted back.

“I do not.”

“Mmmmm-hmmmm. If you say so.”

“Levi!” Erwin’s voice sounded across the courtyard, the squad leader waving at Levi to signal he was ready for them to depart.

Hanji laughed, “Go on then. Go and _don’t_ follow Erwin Smith off into the sunset on a romantic horseback ride.”

“Shut up.” Tugging on the reins, Levi directed his filly over towards a mounting block.

~~~~~

After dragging himself to the mess to feed his terrible hangover, Mike was making his way back to his room when he caught sight of Erwin dressed as though he were heading out into town. Squinting in the bright April sunlight, he slouched over to see what his friend was up to, only to be laughed at when he informed Erwin as to the source of his misery.

“I’m hanging so hard from last night. We had a whiskey drinking contest at the bar, then Dieter thought it would be funny to spike my white wine with vodka. I’m gonna spend today sleeping it off. What about you?”

Erwin shook his head, “I’m rather glad I didn’t join you after all. I find I'm less tolerant of drinking hard on a Friday night than I once was, and the resultant hangover would rather spoil my whole weekend. No, I need to pick up a few things and then I’m going to go for a swim.”

“Are you going alone? Do you want company?” Perhaps lying in bed all day would be less refreshing than it sounded. Maybe what he needed was to get out and enjoy the nice weather with his friend.

“Levi is coming too.”

Of course he was.

Giving a brisk tug to the saddle buckles and patting his horse’s nose, Erwin avoided looking directly into Mike’s eyes. “He’s in a bit of a funk, so I thought getting out for a bit might help.”

Levi was standing off in the distance being talked at by Hanji, who looked far too energetic considering they too had imbibed a rather large amount of alcohol the night before.

“What happened to his face, Erwin?” Even from this far away it looked as though Levi had been booted right in the nose.

“Oh, uh-” Erwin’s head turned to look over at where Hanji was teasing Levi, “-he bashed his face off a wall.”

Mike snorted in disbelief, “Yeah, he sure is a clumsy little fucker isn’t he? Lame, Erwin. Just tell me the truth; did you two have a fight?”

Looking askance at the question, Erwin shook his head, “ _I_ didn’t do it, Mike. If that’s what you’re asking.”

“R-r-r-ight,”

“I’m serious.” Erwin certainly looked serious. But then, he often did. “You know me well. Am I the type to just nut someone in the face if they annoy me?”

“No, I suppose not.”

“And do you think for one second I could even land a punch on him?”

“Truthfully, no.” Wanting to check that his friends didn’t need Mike’s own awkward brand of mediation, he continued to press, “Was it a play wrestle gone wrong?”

Erwin sighed in exasperation as his interrogation continued, saying nothing in response.

Mike elbowed him in the side playfully, “Remember when you winded me once and I gave you a black eye for it? These thing happen when guys tussle.”

“I haven’t laid a finger on him, Mike. I assure you. Ask him yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Deciding to leave it for another day, Mike clapped a hand on Erwin’s shoulder. “Alright. So long as you know that you can always talk to me; your older and wiser friend.”

Erwin scoffed and Mike ignored him, continuing his monologue, “I may not have answers to everything, but I can listen and shit. Relationships are fucking hard work, man. Nile and I have been trying to tell you this for years. Of course, he has it way worse than me. I get round having to make real effort it by not getting too serious with anyone anymore. Though I do envy you both having cuddles and sex on demand.” He pressed a finger to his lips, “Thinking about it though, I can’t imagine Levi’s much of a cuddler.”

Erwin’s shoulders stiffened as soon as the word ‘relationships’ left Mike’s lips, and they only proceeded to tighten further as he continued on to mention sex and cuddling. Mike suppressed a smirk. As if there was _anyone_ left on base who didn’t fucking know what these two were up to in private.

Erwin just shrugged, and Mike suspected he was just trying to protect Levi. Maybe the guy wouldn’t want such information about him divulged. Besides, out of the two of them, Erwin himself was likely far more deserving of the title of master cuddler.

“Have a good time.” He waved goodbye and began to saunter inside, intent on pulling his bedroom curtains and hiding his head under a thick blanket for the rest of the weekend.

As Hanji continued to jibe at Levi, Commander Shadis crossed the courtyard. Jumping into a quick salute, Hanjii ran after him, a strange look in their brown eyes. It gave Mike the distinct impression that perhaps the strange soldier had a crush on the balding man. Levi had told him all about the toad paste, the smell of which had lingered on Shadis for days. It seemed to have halted his hair loss, at least temporarily, and Mike was surprised that the stuff might actually have worked. Or perhaps it was all the slapping bringing blood to the skin. Either way, he was sure that Levi would be more than pleased to offer his services whenever his favourite commander required.

~~~~

The smell wafting out of the delicatessen caused Levi’s mouth to water and his nostrils to flare as he took a deep sniff. Hot, crusty bread and sweet pastries fresh from the oven were set temptingly in the window to entice hungry customers in, and Levi’s eyes couldn’t settle on any one item. He had to swallow lest he actually start drooling.

“What would you like?” Erwin stood beside him also looking in, his voice slightly huskier than normal, almost like it was when he was aroused.

Levi shrugged; _all_ of the food in the delicatessen was excellent and he always found it impossible to choose. “Bread, cheese. Eggs. Maybe some of that thick-cut ham.”

Nose almost against the glass, Erwin was also practically salivating as he stared in at the display, “I’ll get a couple of different cheeses and two of those pasties as well.” Then he pointed, “And that pie.”

“Tcch. You’re a pie. We shouldn’t have come here with empty stomachs. Big mistake.”

Erwin went in to order, and on a whim Levi shouted in after him, “I want a sweet pastry for the road.”

While their food was packaged up and money exchanged hands, Erwin cast a glance at Levi over one shoulder, “While we are in town, I want to see if a book I’ve ordered has come in.”

“Sure. Sounds good, Blondie.”

But when Levi went to follow him into the book shop, oddly Erwin put his hand out to stay him.

“Wait here,” he muttered, his lips barely moving. “Make sure no one comes in.”

“Curious.”

Deciding not to bother asking what the blonde was up to, Levi did as he was bid and leaned back against the door with their food, keeping a watchful eye on the street and occasionally gazing up at the wispy clouds moving slowly across the startling blue sky. Eventually, Erwin’s footsteps approached the door again and Levi moved away to let him out. He had reappeared with a bundle of old-looking books, packing them swiftly away in his saddlebag. Then they were off into the wilderness. Happily eating his buttery cinnamon roll, Levi followed behind Erwin as the horses traversed a path through long grass and a wooded area before finally reaching the exact spot where he had first seen Erwin totally naked.

Unsaddling his horse and leaving her to explore the area with Chisholm, Levi looked around him in wonder. The air was sweet and warm, the countryside springing to life once more after the frigid winter. Since leaving the town, they hadn’t passed anyone along the way, and he had enjoyed the solitude; the sights and sounds of nature surrounding them. It was one of the great things about living within Wall Maria- the landscape was so vast and rural that it was unlikely that anyone was present for miles around. Despite that, he knew that due to the strange feudal system that existed here on the Surface that this area wasn’t common land; it was undoubtedly owned by someone, and probably not by the someone who was actually physically working the land themselves.

He watched as Erwin tore off his clothes and flung them haphazardly onto the grass, before splashing into the shallows of the wide, lazy river and executed a perfect dive, plunging into the deep middle part. He re-emerged, flinging his head back to get his wet hair out of his eyes and running his hands through it to slick it back. On the bank, Levi continued to eye him while folding his clothes into a neat pile. Lazily the blonde floated on the surface, drifting in the slow current.

Catching an eyeful, Levi gave a small smirk, “That cold water is doing nothing for the appearance of your cock and balls,”

Swishing his arms up and down in the water to keep afloat, Erwin hummed, “They do shrink a bit in the cold water, but I’m pretty sure by now that you are more than content with them,”

“Maybe,”

With a splash, Erwin turned so he was now standing waist-deep in the river, “Join me?” A hand stretched out and beckoned him in. “The water is so cool and refreshing, and tastes divine.”

“Nuh uh. No way. I’m not getting in.” He was appalled at the suggestion. “Who knows what parasites and diseases infest that water.”

Laughing, Erwin shook his head, drops of water flying off his soaked hair, “It’s super clean and fresh. And you are sweaty and dusty from the long ride. Think of how clean you’ll be after. I know you want to get in,”

“I have never wanted to get into a body of water in all my life. I can’t think of anything more foul.”

“I can understand; the water in the Underground was just stagnant pools, right? This is different. It’s fresh and clean from the mountain over there,” Erwin pointed at the still snow-capped mountain; even in the height of summer, it seemed that at its summit the altitude was such that the snow there never completely melted. “The snow melts and trickles down to here. It hasn’t even passed through a village yet.”

At the thought of clean, white snow becoming this river, the water untouched by people or livestock, Levi toed off his boots and socks, folding up the bottom of his pants and allowing his feet to barely touch where the water lapped cool and refreshing against his toes.

He stared down at his feet where they sank slightly under his weight into the wet sand, “You just want me to take all my clothes off, you pervert.”

“Am I that transparent?” A knowing smirk appeared on Erwin’s face and he began to wade back towards the shore, “If you need me to teach you to swim you just have to ask,”

“Tcchh,”

“It’s a useful skill, to be able to swim. My father taught me here.”

“Hmmmm.”

Stepping out onto the small sand bank, Erwin reached out and gently undid Levi’s top shirt button. His fingertips were cool where they glided along his chest. “Here, let me help you.”

Giving him a stunner of a smile, Erwin distracted him while divesting him of his shirt, kissing skin as it was revealed. Before Levi knew it, he was half-naked. It was disconcerting how easily Erwin was able to get him to do whatever he wanted. Rolling his eyes, Levi slipped off his pants and stood with his arms folded.

“Alright. Now what? I’m not just going to plough in like you, you great beast.”

“Put your arms around my neck, and I’ll hold your waist.”

He did as he was bid, then Erwin bent his knees slightly and his hands pulled at the backs of Levi’s thighs, gesturing for him to hop up and wrap his legs around the taller man’s broad waist. Taking his weight with ease, Erwin walked backwards slowly into the water, keeping eye contact with him the whole time and distracting him with inane chatter. The first Levi felt of the water was when it touched the backs of his thighs and his ass, the coldness of it eliciting a most unmanly noise from the back of his throat. Unable to hide his fear as Erwin brought them both deeper, Levi initiated something close to a stranglehold around Erwin’s neck as they became more submerged.

“Don’t let my face get wet,” he stared down at the water as if it could jump up at him.

Serious now, Erwin shook his head, “I won’t. I promise.”

Suddenly, they stepped off the shallow shelf and into a deeper pool of water. The water level went from just below Levi’s waist up to his chest.

Gasping, Levi glared at Erwin, “It’s freezing!”

Going slightly deeper still, Erwin chuckled at him, “You’ll soon get used to it,”

With those warm arms encircling him and keeping his head above the water, Levi’s own arms stayed wrapped around Erwin’s neck as the taller man walked backwards further into the pool. The tall bastard was able to stand in the deep water with the top only coming to the level of his nipples which were currently rock hard from the cold. If Levi could have climbed onto the man’s shoulders without looking like a total fucking scaredy-cat, he absolutely would have.

Sensing his discomfort, the blonde murmured, “I’m not letting you go, I promise.”

Some of Erwin’s wet golden locks had dropped over his forehead and were dripping water into his eyes. With his arms around Levi, he probably wasn’t able to push them back himself. Selfless bastard. Levi combed them back; god how he loved this man’s hair. Lustrous and shining in the spring sunshine, it was a perfect match to his cerulean eyes.

Unable to help himself, Levi cupped the handsome devil’s face and initiated a gentle but deep kiss. The droplets of water on the skin around his lips tasted cool and fresh. Perhaps the water was clean. It certainly looked and smelled alright.

Under the water, Levi’s legs kept themselves tightly wrapped around Erwin to keep him safe from falling in. Their torsos were flush, and one of Erwin’s hands moved to cup Levi’s ass, ostensibly to take his weight, but more than likely to cop a feel.

Still not completely sure about the idea of swimming, Levi kept his legs and one arm firmly around Erwin. Leaning back a bit and knowing Erwin would continue to support him, Levi swirled a hand in the water, cupping some in his palm and letting it pour out through his fingers. He could see Erwin out of the corner of his eye, watching him with that gentle smile of his.

He shot the blonde a grumpy look, “What?”

“Nothing. You’re just cute,”

“Tccchh,”

This time it was Erwin who pulled them in together for a kiss. Levi’s body seemed to have gotten used to the temperature of the water, and Erwin felt hot and smooth against him. Their tongues met and Levi let his eyes close, enjoying the sound of the water and birds.

“That’ll do for now,” the blonde walked them back towards shore. “I’m proud of you. Well done.”

“Don’t patronise me.”

“I’m not,” Erwin looked sincere. “I know that wasn’t easy for you.”

He dropped to his knees once fully out of the water, and Levi disengaged, shuffling until he lay on his back on the ground. For a while they both lay side by side on the soft grass, staring up at the wispy clouds and making out silly shapes. It was warm and there wasn’t a breath of air to be felt.

“I’m so glad I have you to share this place with," Erwin added after a while. His hand snaked down to rest on Levi's thigh. "Father and I used to come here, you know? It was our special place to come together as a family.”

“You said he taught you to swim here?”

“Hmmmm.” The blonde made an affirmative noise, his eyes closed and arms crossed behind his head as he bathed in the sunlight. “As much as I love it here, it was a sad place to come after my father died, and for twenty years I always came here alone. Until you.” Blue eyes looked across at him, “Now, it’s a happy place for me once more. I think he would be glad that I have someone special to enjoy it with again.”

Heart light at essentially being made an honorary family member, Levi made a pleased noise. The grass under him was soft and the meadow flowers around them smelled like freedom. Lying back and enjoying the peace and quiet together, Levi could hear nature singing all around him. Fingertips stroking the blades of grass around him, he watched as little birds hopped about in the trees, and rabbits bounded about around them every now and again. Levi wondered if there were any gay animals, or whether the birds and the beasts around them found their activities with each other as distasteful as some humans apparently did. There didn’t seem to be anything particularly unnatural about his desire for Erwin. And their sex felt good. Surely that meant that there was nothing wrong with what they were doing?

And yet, part of him wished that they could be more open about it. If one of them were a woman, Erwin wouldn’t have to stress about hiding what they were doing. And their friends could be happy for them. They might even-

“Are you alright?” Getting up onto one elbow, Erwin was suddenly looking concernedly down at him, “You’re fidgeting strangely,”

“Just thinking,”

Crawling over to lie on top of Levi, Erwin gazed down into his face, “What about?”

Shifting his legs around Erwin to get more comfortable, Levi hesitated, not wanting to interrupt the pleasant moment, but desperate to know what the other man’s thoughts were, “Is what we do together…….unnatural?”

A large eyebrow cocked up, “In what sense?”

“Sex is for reproduction primarily. That Wallist book you gave me said so.”

Just before their first kiss, Erwin had lent Levi several books; one printed with the smallest letters he had ever tried to read at the time. It was an old-looking book, written by some pompous, celibate priest who seemed to think he knew how the world and everything in it worked, including sex, despite him having clearly never been able to find another human alive willing to indulge him. Erwin had given it to Levi to practice reading. At least, that’s what Levi had assumed. At the time he had felt it unlikely that Erwin had offered it for specific instruction on life or to convert Levi into a Wallist. There had been a chapter in it about marriage and relationships; a rather narrow-minded chapter that had given Levi no useful life-advice, imploring him to forgo his sinful desires and find a nice woman to marry and fuck, lest he be the cause of the Walls falling down around them.

Propping himself up on his forearms, Erwin looked amused, “That was a religious text,” he reminded Levi. “I only gave you that to practice your reading, and to see for yourself what nonsense some people in our world believe.”

Relieved to hear it, Levi nodded.

Looking thoughtful, Erwin frowned, “At the time I suppose I didn’t know that you hadn’t had sex yet, and I wasn’t sure if you were straight or not. Now that I think about it, it was probably something I shouldn’t have given you to read on your own, and I ought to have taken the time to explain it to you- some religions have very specific views on sex, including even what positions and activities are permitted between a married couple. The church would have us believe sex is purely a means of reproduction, but the majority of people rarely have sex for that reason alone. Priests don’t have a monopoly on sex, or are necessarily right. And I don’t personally believe that the integrity of the Walls is dependent on me keeping my dick in my pants.”

Levi narrowed his eyes in concentration, “So, would they be okay with us if we were married?”

A big hand came up to stroke some hair out of his face, and Levi leaned into it, “Men can’t marry other men.” Erwin’s voice was steady, but Levi didn’t miss the sad little micro-expression that reached his eyes. “There are…..several reasons we can’t marry.” The blonde looked as though he were about to say more, but then he shut his mouth and swallowed.

Feeling unnerved, Levi averted his gaze. “Marriage is silly anyway.”

A boyish look appeared on Erwin’s face, “My parents were married. It made me happy that they were. And gave me status among the other children whose parents weren't.”

Levi stiffened at the remark, and Erwin stopped talking as he realised that what he said might have hurt the man under him.

“I’m not saying that it’s right, Levi.” The older man petted his hair again in a silent apology, “I’m saying that’s just the way things are in this society.”

Grudgingly accepting that the other man hadn’t meant to offend him, Levi asked, “So, if being married is so great then what are the perks?”

Sticking up a thumb and starting to count off his fingers, Erwin began to list off the reasons, “Well, you share your money and home with someone, and promise to take care of them; to love them and only them faithfully. In return you have someone who makes the promise back. You become a team against the world and work hard for each other, as the other’s helpmeet. Over time your love grows and grows, until you can’t imagine not having the other person in your life. The people around you see you as one rather than two people, inseparable and incomplete without the other.”

 _That’s like us,_ Levi thought, trying not to look sad. Could Erwin not see it?

Erwin continued, apparently oblivious to his thoughts, “In addition, there are legal benefits, including the automatic inheritance of your spouse’s estate. After the three year mark it’s almost impossible to contest a spousal claim to full inheritance. There can be political advantages too, and some families use it to keep wealth or businesses within family circles.” The blonde continued with a smile and a wink, “And then of course, there’s the green light to have sex.”

Levi scoffed, “I’m not sure getting the thumbs up from a frustrated, celibate virgin would make me enjoy the sex we have any more than I already do.”

Erwin laughed. “I’m glad to hear it’s so good for you.”

“But why won’t they marry two men?”

He shrugged, “I guess it’s because there could never be any children; we can never make new life together.” Erwin’s hand stroked down Levi’s abdomen, before coming to rest on his belly.

“But old people can get married, right? And barren people? It’s not like there could be any children there.”

“Yes. I know it doesn’t make sense.”

Two birds were courting in the branches in the trees above them, singing and dancing gaily as they tried to impress each other, “I suppose maybe it’s because no other animals are gay?”

“There are animals who indulge in sex with other members of the same sex in their species.” Erwin nodded on seeing Levi’s shock. “My father taught me about it. One day we even saw two male dogs getting it on. I was shocked at the time, but he reassured me it was natural. You’ll never see it written in books of course. And anyway it begs the question, should we be taking our lead from the wild beasts, rather than make our own minds up on what human love can be?”

“No.”

Flashing a handsome grin, Erwin nodded again, “I agree. My instincts implore me on an almost hourly basis to become one flesh with you, and yet we are both men. But when I’m with you, I can be myself. Completely natural and free. We can never be married, but I love you and that’s all that matters I suppose.”

Levi’s heart hurt.

 _You already are the husband of my heart and soul,_ he wanted to shout at Erwin, then shout it from the rooftops so that people would turn their heads to listen, and birds would fly in shock from their peaceful canopies. He wanted to tell his lover that there was nothing and no one who had the right to decide something so important for them both. How would some frustrated old guy performing a useless ceremony change any part of how they felt about each other? But Erwin seemed to think that having a written contract of sorts, some type of state-sanctioned and legally formalised union was preferable to just choosing to be together. Of course he would. The man was bureaucracy on legs. He fucking loved paperwork.

Staring up at him now, Levi tried to imagine this young, handsome, brave soldier as an old man. Although it was unlikely that either of them would reach old age, Levi was certain that nothing, and certainly not the chaotic and relentless march of time would diminish his love for this man. He didn’t think that he could really ever show or tell Erwin just how much he was loved, didn’t feel he had the words to describe how fully this man filled his heart, the early possession he obtained there, and the absolute power he obtained over it, leaving not the smallest space unoccupied.

This world Erwin had promised to serve had already hurt them both so very badly, and it continued to do so in so many ways. He couldn’t save Erwin from the promises he had made to humanity, but Levi could love him, and maybe in some small way that would prove enough to protect him from the hurts of the world.

 _I will shield you from the whole world if I must,_ Levi promised him, as he looked into those sad, blue eyes.

Knowing how important an influence Erwin’s father was on everything he chose to do, Levi was curious. “What do you think your father would have thought of you not being with a woman?”

Looking thoughtful for a moment, Erwin took his time to answer, “He never really spoke to me about any expectations he had of me in that regard. I know he respected a man in our town who was gay, even when the majority of people were unkind to the guy. And I don’t believe in an afterlife, so it’s not as if I think he’s up there watching us and cursing me for not being married to a woman. I personally think he’d have liked you, and how you have made me a better man.”

Looking disbelievingly down at him, Levi tutted, “What’s there to fucking like? Was _he_ a big fan of toilet jokes too? Honestly, I don’t even know why _you_ like me half the time.”

“Because you make me happy. And I think that’s really all my father would have wanted for me. And for me to be curious and try and save the world of course. But that’s far more likely to happen with you by my side than me trying to do it alone.” Erwin ran a hand back up Levi’s torso, causing all the hairs on his body to stand erect at the sensual touch. “He wouldn’t have wanted me to be alone. Plus, together we are endeavouring to discover the truth about the world and emancipate humanity from the Walls and our terrible ruling class. Everything in our life together aligns. That we have magnificent sex together is just a bonus, really.”

Scrunching his eyebrows together, Levi repeated the word, “Magnificent?”

“I think so.”

Feeling playful now, Levi pushed Erwin onto his back and half lay on top of him, “Do you prefer asses or vaginas?”

Bringing his arms up around Levi’s back, Erwin pursed his lips as he considered the question, “Well, they are very different. Vaginas are designed for penetrative sex, so everything can be a bit more spontaneous which is fun. They have a nice texture, self-lubricate and grip the whole way along.” His hands travelled down Levi’s back to each squeeze a cheek. “In contrast, asses need preparation obviously, but are tighter at the entrance. Really, orally stimulating someone to get them ready is more than half the fun so it isn't like it is a chore. Inside everyone feels a bit different, but you feel and look particularly lovely when you are stretched tight around me, and I adore making you climax from your prostate being stimulated.”

“But does it feel better to put your dick in a vagina?”

Erwin shook his head, “Not necessarily. Don’t forget, climaxing is as much a psychological exercise as a physical one. I’ve been in plenty of nice vaginas _and_ asses and not come because I haven’t been in the right head-space.”

“And with me?” Levi knew he was fishing for compliments, but whenever Erwin praised him, the feeling was indescribable.

Sneaking his arms up around Levi’s shoulders, Erwin smirked at him, “I think it is perfectly clear to you how your body is my favourite in all the world. I don’t think I’ve prematurely ejaculated like I did last night since I was fourteen and first started having sex.”

Nibbling one of Erwin’s ears, Levi smiled, “I can’t deny, it _was_ pretty hot. But also pretty amusing that you couldn’t stop yourself from cumming. Especially that time when you tried to pretend nothing had happened.” Snickering gently, Levi placed a conciliatory kiss against the corner of Erwin’s now unimpressed lips.

“Yes, hilarious.” Blue eyes rolled in their sockets in exasperation. “Of course, it’s more than just the way your body feels to me,” Erwin stroked around the shell of Levi’s ear causing him to shiver. “It’s the way you look at me; the complete surrender in your eyes as you give yourself over to me- a look you give no one else.”

“That’s how I feel when you look at me. I just didn’t know how to word it until now.”

They stared at each other for a moment, then Levi bent his head and kissed Erwin’s lips.

“What about your mom?” The blonde asked. “Do you have any idea what she would have thought about us?”

With a small shrug of his shoulders, Levi suppressed an amused snigger, “She liked dick too, so I guess she’d understand.”

“Levi!” Came the appalled response.

Sniggering darkly, he stood up and stretched, shaking some of the sand off his feet. “Come on. I want to try the water again.” Wading in until he stood at the shelf leading to the deeper part of the pool, he looked behind at Erwin as he moved to join him.

“I don’t know w-“ Erwin was interrupted by a face-full of water, thrown at him at short range. Levi snorted a laugh and scooped another armful of water in the blonde’s direction, soaking him completely. “That’s not fair,” the blonde complained. “I can’t splash you back!”

Levi trailed a hand in the cool water. He longed to fool about with Erwin and bring out the blonde’s inner child here in his favourite place in the whole world.

He fought back the image of Sannes' grinning face disappearing as he put that fucking wet towel over his head, then proceeded to douse him with water over and over again. With difficulty he tried not to recall how terrible it had been to feel like he was drowning, all the while hearing that sadist laugh and taunt him. A significant part of Levi felt like allowing his fear to control his behaviour here, where it was irrational to be scared of getting wet, was like letting _yet another person_ stand between him and Erwin.

“Go ahead," he decided. "I’ll tell you to stop if I don’t like it.”

Soon, the two fully grown men were drenching each other and clowning around in the water. Levi climbed on a big rock and jumped off into Erwin’s outstretched arms. Giggling uncontrollably when Levi came up spluttering and spitting out a mouthful of water, Erwin set him in a shallow part then clambered up from the waterside, hauling himself onto the flat surface of the rock and readying himself to hurl in. “I can make a bigger splash,” he boasted.

“That’s because you _are_ bigger, you dolt.”

“It’s also the way you do it,” Erwin took a running leap and bombed into the river, demonstrating how to create a wall of water.

He swam up to him, smelling fresh and clean, like rock samphire and spring sunshine. Unable to help himself, Levi licked and sucked where water was running in rivulets down Erwin’s muscles.

“Flex your biceps,” Levi ordered, wanting to trace every muscle with his tongue, taste every inch of skin. He licked his lips and looked up at Erwin. The sun was starting to lower in the sky behind him, making him look as if he had a golden halo surrounding his head. The days were still short and the nights long. The early evening moon was already visible in the sky, and the air had turned rather chilly with the slow setting of the sun. It was time to get out.

Drying off and redressing, the two set to work on the campsite. Erwin undid the straps securing the tarps to the saddles on the ground, “We had better make a fire and set up camp before it gets too dark.”

A loud noise above them startled Levi; the sound of hundreds of tiny wings flapping as a flock of little birds appeared up out of the trees. High in the air, the murmuration of starlings twisted and turned as one creature in the darkening sky, and Levi watched them fascinated. How did these hundreds- no _thousands_ of birds coordinate this vast aerial stunt, swooping and diving together in unison? The swirling cloud of birds shifted shape over and over again. The remarkable, intricately coordinated pattern of flight was impossible to look away from; how did they maintain cohesion in such a dense structure with all the possible uncertainty as to what the rest of the group would do? His eyes followed their dynamic movements until suddenly they were gone, flown far into the distance to roost for the night.

If only their men could achieve such a coordinated effort on the field. He stood still, entranced and wondering about the phenomenon he had just witnessed.

Hammering brought him out of his trance, and he looked over to see Erwin fixing pegs into the ground, “Sorry Erwin, I’ll help you with the tent,”

“It’s fine.” Erwin gestured up with the hammer, “The birds _are_ beautiful when they fly altogether like that, aren’t they,” then he laughed, “but just so you know for next time, it’s best not to be directly under them as they do it.”

“No.” As pretty as their aeronautics had been, Levi didn’t fancy having to wash bird shit out of his hair and clothes after just having gotten dry. Already he could see his breath starting to form in the air and it would only get chillier.

“I’m starving.” Erwin announced, clapping his hands together hard once the tent was erected. “Time for pie?”

“Time for pie,” Levi agreed wholeheartedly.

“I also brought this,” a bottle of whiskey was waved at him.

Scoffing and shaking his head, Levi stacked the wood they had collected earlier and arranged the firelighters, “You know it will only lead to _you_ getting drunk. It’ll have no effect on me, Erwin.”

“It will keep you warm. And you like the taste.”

Levi gestured for him to show him the bottle, “Is it a smoky one?”

“Yes, ‘Peat Monster’ it’s called.”

“Hmmm. Sounds good.” He couldn’t stand the sweet whiskeys Erwin had been gifted by Mike over the years.

As Erwin sat with his back against a tree stump facing the now roaring fire, Levi wedged himself between the man’s legs and rested his head back. The bottle was passed between them and soon Erwin was guffawing with laughter at Levi’s crass humour. He smirked, still not quite believing that someone enjoyed toilet humour as much as himself. Erwin had been right; the whiskey was helping to keep him warm. The cool water earlier had helped ease the aches that had developed in his shoulders after having been tied to the headboard and then straining hard against his restraints. The warmth from Erwin’s body and from where one of his arms was curled around Levi seeped into his own bones; it felt wonderful to be held like this.

Above him, endless space unfurled and the moon was at its peak of luminescence, easing them out of the glaring light of day. It was full tonight, a shining beacon acknowledging their presence, its image mirrored in the flat water in the centre of the cold river. It started the night nestled in the trees, its peaceful light coolly whispering through the leaves and casting everything in a grey light. It seemed to know its own path across the night’s sky, rising slowly and deliberately. Now that the sun had set, it wandered companionless, and yet really it wasn’t truly alone; Levi wondered how many thousands of other pairs of eyes were watching it at it as they were in that very moment. He had grown used to the moon being his companion at night, the silvery orb silently acknowledging him and his insomnia.

He was still puzzling over everything Erwin had said today, starting to understand better why society saw men like them the way they did. Until recently, the world had seemed so very black and white to Levi too, like the night on a moonless night. Some things were right and some things were wrong, and that was that. But his time with Erwin was showing him the greys in the world, and the greys were where life truly lived.

“Why do you think the moon doesn’t shine as brightly as the sun?” He pondered aloud, his thoughts drifting. “And why doesn’t the sun wax and wane? Is it only the sun that gives us colours? Lamps and firelight give us colours, why not the moon?”

“So many questions.” The side of Erwin’s face rested against his head, his breath smelling of the warm, smoky whiskey. “I wonder if this is how my father felt when he came out here with me and I used to pester him with questions.”

“I’m not pestering,” Levi objected.

“I’m only jesting. Truly I don’t know the answers to your questions. I wish I did.”

The fire crackled and spat out small embers as it burned. Levi stared into its flames, watching them dance and curl, remembering the flock of birds from earlier.

“What animal would you become if you could choose?” He asked, procrastinating now and trying to put off going to sleep for as long as possible.

“A horse,” Erwin replied without pausing, despite the unexpectedness of the random question. “And I would race to the ends of the earth to find what was there. You?”

“A bird of prey. I would fly above you and watch you run there.”

As more time passed and the whiskey bottle emptied, it became harder and harder for Levi to keep his eyes open. 

“Come on,” Erwin nudged him after Levi attempted to hide yet another huge yawn behind a hand. “Time for bed.”

Dread hit him at those words as he remembered the night before. “What if I dream it again?” Levi’s voice was almost unrecognisable, even to his own ears.

“You might,” Erwin conceded. “If you do then I will do my best to wake you carefully, and then we can come out into the cool air and re-orientate you. It might recur for a while yet, but try to see it as your mind trying its best to heal, rather than it meaning to hurt or harm you.”

“What if I attack you again?”

Pausing, Erwin fingered at where he knew Levi kept a knife inside the lateral aspect of his right boot, “Are you willing to leave your knives outside the tent?”

The thought filled him with unease, but he knew it was irrational. It was unlikely that they would be approached and robbed here in the middle of nowhere. Far more likely was the possibility of stabbing Erwin if he were startled, which would make them both sad indeed.

“Alright,” he said, begrudgingly, removing all three knives from his person and leaving them on the stump.

They slept as they did in the field; fully dressed with coats on, although without gear and boots. Erwin took up his usual position behind Levi, pulling him in tight. The sound of flowing water in the background was hypnotic, and almost as soon as Levi’s head hit the ground, he was asleep, listening to Erwin finishing a ridiculous but rather amusing story about a time he and Mike had done something unthinkably stupid together as teenagers. 

The night was dreamless. Nothing disturbed his sleep; not the hooting owls, nor the snoring of the man beside him. He only awoke with the sunrise, with a warm and mostly soft lump cuddling him from behind. The tent was now unpleasantly hot and sticky with the light beginning to shine through it, and he itched to get up and wash his face in the water.

Re-lighting the fire, he put a pan and a kettle of water over the flames and started to make tea and fry some eggs. The smell caused the blonde to emerge from his slumber, bed-headed and bleary-eyed. He had grown a lovely stubble which proved rather sharp against Levi’s face when he was nuzzled later, causing him to push Erwin away.

Sooner than he would have liked, it was time to pack up and head back, but at least he had slept well. No nightmares had plagued him, at least none he could remember. Pleased they had gotten away during a spell of nice weather, they had one last dip in the river before dressing to head back.

Buttoning up his shirt, Levi looked around him, “Where did you put my cravat?”

“I hung it on the oak tree.”

Pulling it down from where it hung on a low branch, Levi peered up at the great tree while tying the material around his neck, “How can you tell it’s an oak?”

“Different types of tree have different morphologies of leaves and bark, and their seeds all look different too.” Erwin pointed at another silvery tree, “That one, for example, is a silver birch.” He placed a hand fondly back on the trunk of the oak. “This tree here is probably hundreds of years old. I’ve come here since I was a boy and although to me it looks the same every year, it is still growing all the time.” He sighed, “It’ll be here for many centuries after we have both passed away. The thought brings me comfort. Did you know, when a tree trunk is cut, you can count the rings to see how many summers it has lived through?”

“Hmmmm.” Levi took in the information, for the first time noticing that the some of the trees _did_ in fact have similar characteristics. “I thought every tree just had different shaped leaves from every other.”

“No. For example, oak trees have this shape of leaf-” He plucked one off a low-hanging branch and handed it to Levi, who scrutinised it. Then he picked a leaf off a different tree, “-and this is a horse chestnut. See how different they look? But every horse chestnut will have leaves that look like this. Both types of leaf have veins running through them just like us. Trees have blood of sorts called sap, and in some species it is very sweet and delicious. Some people use it as a syrup.”

Running a hand down the gnarled bark of the oak, Levi had an idea.

While Erwin got back to saddling his horse, Levi took out his knife and began scratching marks onto the trunk of the huge tree. The noise caused Erwin to turn and look at him, “What are you doing?”

“I’ve seen these left on trees by other people and thought we could have one too. Even once we are both long gone, at least a memory of us will remain imprinted here.”

Approaching him curiously, Erwin paused, then gave a smile before putting out a hand to take the knife himself, “Here,” he dug the blade into the bark. “It needs this around it.”

And even though they had to leave, part of them would remain forever behind. There, carved into the bark of the big oak tree were now the letters ‘E & L’ surrounded by a heart.

_~~~_

One quite ordinary Saturday, the book shop on Main Street unlocked its door to a brand new day. Mr Bucher stepped outside and took a deep, satisfying sniff of the crisp, spring air. He set out his ‘Open for business!’ sign and opened up the awning above the display window, pausing with his hands on his hips to frown at the cobwebs that had built up on the inside of the frame. It had been a while since he had done a thorough spring-clean, and now that he thought about it, the place was in decided disarray. Oodles of books were crammed into the tiny shop, and Bucher had to move carefully around the precariously balanced pillars of works he had built up when he had been too lazy to catalogue them properly onto the shelves. A veritable mountain of them surrounded a worn leather armchair where customers could sit and browse, and order a cup of tea if Bucher liked them well enough. Where the sun shone in through the glass it illuminated dust particles dancing in the rays of light. He sighed and grabbed his barely-used feather duster; with the sun shining outside and promising a particularly nice day, it was a good a time as any to begin the rather tedious task.

While he was busy re-ordering the disordered novels on the fiction shelf by their author’s names, the bell above his book shop door rang to signal the entrance of a new customer. Duster in hand, Bucher turned to make his greetings, peering around one of the columns of novels to see if he recognised them.

He felt a thrill course through him as his favourite customer entered the store. The man he liked to call ‘Mr Hertz’ was a purveyor of high-brow and rather forbidden literature. And it was Mr Bucher’s guilty pleasure to source it for him. Mr Hertz nodded in acknowledgement and began peering through the as-yet unsorted-through stacks of books piled up high on the floor. The man was alone on this occasion. Normally he came with a companion-

Ah, no. There he was. Hertz’s dark-haired friend remained outside the shop, casually leaning against the now closed door and staring up into the sky. The short fellow normally came in with Mr Hertz, and would spend an inordinate amount of time shaking his head, then kindly dusting off and reorganising some of the books in alphabetical order. This time however, he appeared to be on some sort of covert look-out.

Leaving his sorting for the moment, Bucher scurried back into his store room to open his safe, pulling out a neatly wrapped package and stashing it beneath the counter. Then he nonchalantly sidled nearer to his customer.

“Sir,” Bucher spoke low as he pretended to sort through some more shelves. The tall blonde man stood in his immediate vicinity, also feigning interest in a selection of books on gardening. “I have three rare volumes that might appeal to a man of good taste. Would you care to take a look?”

Deep blue eyes scanned the shop to ensure they were the only ones present, “Indeed,”

Excitedly, he walked around the counter and furtively presented the brown paper-wrapped parcel to his customer with quiet pride, untying the string holding it shut. Inside were two books on the history of religion and the origin of man, and the third was on a quite different topic entirely. During a visit before Christmas, Mr Hertz had enquired about the availability of such literature, but it had been a long time since anyone in this conservative area of the world had made such a request. It hadn’t been an easy or quick job to source it, but a contact in the capital knew where such works could be bought and sold on the black market. She had secreted all three books to Bucher in a suitcase full of unlaundered and quite disgustingly filthy items of clothing. After the postman had deposited the suitcase on his doorstep and Bucher got a proper look at the thing, it appeared to have been tampered with; probably it had been examined during a routine stop by the Military Police as the postal cart left the Interior. He relieved when he opened it to see that it was quite unlikely that anyone had deemed it necessary to rifle through all of the unwashed vomit- and diarrhoea-stained garments inside. The books were hidden deep within, still perfectly wrapped.

“I apologise for the unusual smell.” The bookkeeper sighed. “Their storage conditions were……less than ideal.”

“You needn’t say any more,” Mr Hertz’s voice was filled with sweetness, but there was a palpable sharp undertone of a warning beneath the honeyed-tones.

 _Don’t tell me anything I don’t want to know_ , it said.

Giving a little ingratiating bow, Bucher tilted his head, “You are understanding, indeed.”

Mr Hertz looked very pleased with all three books. “I will take them all.”

“Excellent. Let me get my register.”

It was mandatory for book vendors to document all book sales. The name of the purchaser had to be written beside the book title they bought in a large ledger, which was audited on a two-yearly basis by a special branch of the Military Police.

“That will be fifty credits in total, sir.” It was a high price, but the risk of dealing such items made such financial recompense necessary.

Mr Hertz slipped the man a hundred and smiled.

The smile was returned and the book seller jotted down some altered details of his sale in his worn-looking official tome, “As always, thank you kindly, Mr Hertz.” He handed over three other scruffy-looking books to the man, and put their titles down in the record instead along with an amended price tag.

Falsifying official government records was a criminal offence. Bucher took risk in what he was doing. But like those such as Hertz, he sought knowledge, and the more forbidden the better.

~~~~

“So, what’s this big surprise you’ve been waiting so impatiently to show me all day?” Levi plopped down on the sofa and crossed his legs. It had been wonderful to wash in hot water after their ride home. Now he was freshly showered and had changed into his pyjamas in order to lounge about comfortably for the rest of the evening.

On the whole way home, Erwin had hardly been able to sit still on his horse, so excited was he about this mysterious surprise. Levi had presumed it would be yet another strange history book, or some dull volume on chess.

“Oh,” Levi peered at the hard-backed, grey book Erwin passed him. It looked innocuous enough from the outside, except for the title. “’Titillating Ideas for the Wicked Man’,” he read aloud, raising an eyebrow. “What the fuck is this, Erwin?”

Subduing an amused smile, Erwin busied himself uncorking a bottle of wine, “You can’t possibly guess?”

Still looking uncertain, Levi opened the book to a random page near the centre, and his eyes widened involuntarily at the sight of one of the pictures. He slammed the book shut and without moving his head an inch, his scandalised grey eyes rolled in their sockets to look across at where Erwin was snorting in laughter at his reaction.

 _Holy fuck_ , his expression said.

“Is it not to your taste?” Erwin grinned and brought over a glass of deep red wine and a cup of tea, setting them on a little table. “I thought we could read through it together and see if there were any ideas that ‘titillated’ us.” Sitting down beside Levi, he put an arm around him and the younger man shuffled closer, drawing his bare feet up under himself.

Levi swallowed heavily and handed the book back for Erwin to flick through on his knee with his left hand. “I didn’t even know women could do that, let alone imagine books like this existed. Where did you even get this thing? You don’t seriously expect me to believe that Bucher just had it lying around his filthy store.”

Leaning in, Erwin laid a kiss on the crown of dark hair, “Your innocence is very sweet at times,”

“Tccch.” Glaring now, Levi shrugged Erwin’s arm off and stood up quickly, stomping over to throw some more wood on the fire, “Are you calling me a prude?”

“No, of course not.” Erwin gestured with his head for Levi to return. “I enquired several months ago at the book shop whether there were any publications on adult material that explained the practicalities of sex. Now, shall we start at the beginning? I’ll read aloud and you can stop me if there’s something you like the sound of.”

Kneeling by the fire and watching the flames catch the dry wood, Levi hummed, “Imagine if all those months ago you had invited me for this sort of lesson, rather than the literacy ones.”

Blondie gave him a smug grin, “I’d like to think I’ve taught you something on sexual literacy too,”

Knees cracking as he stood, Levi acknowledged the fact, “I suppose you have. Alright.” Checking the door was definitely locked, he re-joined Erwin on the sofa and curled up into him, Levi lifted the glass of wine and handed it to Erwin who took a sip, smacked his lips in satisfaction and set it down out of the way. Levi held his tea and settled in for what he imagined would be an interesting read.

After checking the chapter index, it was apparent that the second half the book was dedicated entirely on making love to other men, and Erwin skipped straight to it, glossing over the information on women completely. No doubt at some point, both men would return to the book to read the first half on their own in private; one man for tips and tricks to add to his repertoire, one to satisfy a morbid curiosity.

Highly romanticised and flowery descriptions of what was often a rather messy, oily business elucidated the mechanics of homosexual encounters, but alongside the physical adventure that men could have with each other, the author had also taken time to set out the importance of exploring the joys one could hope for in mental and emotional exploration with a male partner.

The tea started to grow cold in Levi’s hand as he forgot to drink it, so fascinated was he by the weird and wonderful depictions of human sexuality filling the book, and he found himself staring unblinkingly at all the illustrations of ways men could copulate with each other. The art of physical love was more varied and complex than he could have ever imagined. He listened as Erwin read through the florid descriptions and sometimes rather quaint prose that spoke of the author being of a generation long before either man on the couch.

Initially he had thought the book would focus almost entirely on heterosexual matters and be a bit of a biology lesson, but that there might be a passage or two merely giving curious and interesting erotic advice on anal sex and the quest to understand sexual pleasure in that way. But no- the book went into exquisite and intimate detail on exactly the kinds of sex he wanted to know about, illuminating ways that partners could use different body parts to evoke pleasure during intercourse, and shedding light on the mysteries of the internal workings of the male body.

Levi’s mouth was unable to close during this odd sex education session. Blondie grinned and put a finger under his chin to shut it for him, only for it to fall open at the next picture. He wasn’t sure he had ever felt so flabbergasted in his whole life.

It was rather fascinating to see a diagram of the male pelvis in cross-section, and Erwin took time to point out the different anatomical features and how they related to what he did with his fingers, tongue and erection during sex. Levi’s eyes followed the tip of Erwin’s finger as he pointed at the various components, wondering where the other man had picked up all this knowledge.

Pointing at something labelled ‘the prostate’, Levi furrowed his eyebrows together, “So that’s the thing you like to touch inside me, right?”

Nodding enthusiastically, Erwin took another sip of wine, “That’s correct. It’s what makes you orgasm on the inside and is just the right distance in to reach with fingers.”

“What does it feel like?”

Erwin crooked his index finger in the air and rotated it gently, in imitation of what he did during sex, “It’s about the size of a walnut and soft at first. There’s a ridge in the middle and a lobe either side. When you start getting aroused and really into what I’m doing, the whole thing firms up. I don’t need to press hard to stimulate it, just rhythmic pressure or pulsing a fingertip against it does the trick with you. Climaxing that way is more of a head game than coming the old fashioned way, though. You must be relaxed and in the mood, which is why foreplay is so important.”

Erwin then pointed at another pair of smaller organs near the bladder. “These are called seminal vesicles. They store fluid from the testicles which is ejaculated during climax. You seem to enjoy it when I stroke them too, though sometimes it seems to make you feel like you need to pass water.”

“So cum is a mix of stuff from your balls and the prostate?”

“Yes, I believe so.”

His head was spinning with questions, “So, where do babies come from?”

“Well, Levi, when a man and a woman love each other very much-“ Erwin raised his arms up to defend himself as Levi whacked him on the shoulder, but he was having too much fun to stop, “-ow, then the stork comes to their house with a baby, and-“

Small fists beat mercilessly at him, “I’m going to seriously fuck you up if you don’t stop making fun. You’re such an ass.”

“I am what I eat,” Erwin grinned and tried to look contrite, “I’m sorry for teasing. It was just too good an opportunity to mess with you. I don’t think anyone knows exactly how it happens, but certainly when horses or dogs are castrated they lose the ability to reproduce, but not to mate. They still have prostates, so conception mustn’t happen from that. It must be the testicles that make the magic ingredient.”

“So it’s just the right mix of juices between men and women then?”

“I guess.”

“Do you think right testicles make boys and left ones make girls?”

Surprise bloomed on Erwin’s face as he considered the question, “I have no idea. It’s an interesting thought.”

“How many bastards do you think you’ve made?”

“I’ve not heard of any, and I’ve certainly not seen any children that look like me.”

“Do you actively try and avoid getting your women pregnant?”

The blonde shook his head, “No I don’t, and only some of the women take certain precautionary measures. I don’t go out of my way to withdraw or not come, except if they ask. Some of them seem to not care. Some are beyond their child-bearing years. One was already with child when we lay together. Some plan their parties for when they think they won’t be in a fertile part of their cycle, or are menstruating. Two of them use lemons, and one insists on me putting on sheath made of sheep gut, goat’s bladder or linen with a bit of ribbon at the bottom to keep it on.”

Trying not to puke, Levi put a hand instinctively over his mouth and gasped, “You put _what_ on your cock?”

Taking a deep breath in through his nose, Erwin nodded, face grim, “At least it’s better than the vulcanised rubber ones Lady Theole makes me wear. It’s like wearing an intimate welly boot on one’s member. Calf gut is infinitely preferable if something must be worn- much easier to lubricate and it means I can at least feel _something_.”

“And you get your sword bloodied sometimes too?” This thought horrified Levi less than he imagined it would. Blood was gross, but definitely less so than shit.

“Yes. I don’t really mind. As I have always told you, mess doesn’t bother me, especially when it’s not my bed.”

“And they bleed from their vaginas? Why do they bleed?” Although couldn’t really recall whether his mother ever did, he assumed she probably had if every other woman did. It sounded very inconvenient.

“It’s part of a fertility cycle. When they are bleeding they aren’t likely to conceive. So the blood must be necessary as part of the seed taking inside them.”

Another question blurted out of Levi’s mouth before he could stop it, “And what do they do with the lemons?”

“Either soak up the acidic juice with sponges and insert them, or put half a squeezed lemon in as a cap over the cervix. By the time it warms up I can barely feel any difference. Apparently the acid neutralises my contribution and the cap provides a physical barrier.”

“Doesn’t it sting the shit out of their vaginas though?” He tried to imagine how it would feel to shove half a lemon up his ass, not being wholly sure how different a vagina was to an asshole. “And how do they get it out?”

“It doesn’t seem to sting them, and at the end they just reach in and extract it. The vagina is a blind-ending passage at the cervix, unlike rectums where stuff can get lost up there. Some women are so desperate to avoid illegitimate children that they will go to such lengths to enjoy an illicit affair.”

Head shaking of its own accord, Levi pressed on, “And what’s a cervix?”

“The entrance to the womb, where children grow.” Erwin turned back to the index at the start, “There’s probably a diagram in this book we can look at another day.”

“Fuck me,” Levi’s head swam with new knowledge. “There’s a lot to think about with women. Good thing we don’t need to worry about you accidently knocking me up.” He gave Erwin a quizzical look, “I thought you said sex with a vagina allowed for more spontaneity. How is having to shove half a lemon up there conducive to fucking on a whim? You carry them about on your person just in case?”

“Ha!” Throwing his head back with a laugh, Erwin squeezed Levi’s knee, “It does rather interrupt proceedings somewhat if that is their contraceptive of choice.” Then he continued to correct him, ”But I have sex with a _woman_ , Levi, not just her vagina. Same with you; it’s not like I have sex with just your ass, nor you with just my penis.”

Bored with talking about the mysteries of the female form, Levi turned back to the page showing the male pelvis. “So why is this type of book not freely available? All this shit seems pretty useful to know about. Why the secrecy?”

Nodding in agreement, Erwin took another sip of wine, “The church frowns upon sex education and sex itself outside of marriage between a man and a woman. They claim that only by the people maintaining their virtue will the Walls continue to stand, brain-washing them into believing that the continuation of their protection from the Walls is dependent on them behaving a certain way, but in reality all it does is give the church control over the population.”

“So all men have these hidden erogenous zones and yet the church thinks we should just ignore them and pretend they aren’t there?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I guess I had no idea it even _was_ there until you showed me.” Levi stared off into the distance, considering how lucky he was to have found someone who knew just what to do with that particular part of his anatomy. “Although it maybe explains why I always wanted someone to stick their dick in me.”

“Have you ever tried to feel your own prostate?” Erwin looked at him, curiously. “You should be able to reach it yourself.”

Levi shuddered, “No way am I sticking my own fingers up there. Gross. Have you touched yours?”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t do much for me, even if another person does it.”

“Why not?”

Shifting slightly and signalling his discomfort with the topic, Erwin shrugged gently, “I don’t know why, but I feel degraded and emasculated by having anything up there, and then I can’t get aroused.”

Feeling rather offended and humiliated by how his partner viewed the receptive position, Levi narrowed his eyes and leaned slightly away from the blonde, “Do you think my position in bed means that I’m inferior, or less manly than you? Do you see _me_ as the ‘woman’ during sex or as the more gay one?” The thought started to colour his memories of all their times in bed together, making him wonder if Erwin got some sort of weird kick out of thinking he was degrading him every time he stuck his dick inside.

“No, not at all,” Erwin rubbed at the back of his own neck awkwardly. “It’s illogical, I know. It’s a very one-sided feeling; I certainly don’t see _you_ that way. To me you are very masculine, and have the sweetest, tightest, manliest little ass I’ve ever had the pleasure of nibbling on.” The hand around him shimmied down Levi’s back to squeeze an ass cheek.” You look, smell and taste like a virile, red-blooded, spit-fire of a man, and feel so utterly different to a woman that I couldn’t possibly mix up the two.”

“That’s good. Otherwise I’d need to kick your ass about a bit to remind you who probably has the more testosterone out of the two of us.” Still feeling unsettled, Levi’s kept pushing, “Is it because I can’t keep an erection when you are inside me? Or is it the noises I make? Do they make me seem….unmasculine or of less worth?”

“I’ve said something that’s upset you and I’m sorry,” Erwin tried to placate him, taking his hand and lacing their fingers together. “For some reason, and I don’t know why, me being the receptive partner makes me uncomfortable. _But_ -“ he emphasised, “-when _you_ are on the bottom I _categorically_ see you as still being very much a strong, powerful, masculine being and it takes nothing away from you, whether or not you stay hard.” As if he had read Levi’s mind, he assured, “I’m not doing it to degrade you or anything like that. I see us as equals in every sense, including in bed. It’s a weird, personal problem that I just need to get over. I don’t want you to overthink it and in the process have it impact how you react to sex with me.”

Levi took a breath and squeezed the hand in his as acceptance of the apology, “I know you are more dominant in bed and take more initiative, but that’s not the same thing I don’t think.”

“It’s not. That’s just your inexperience and my higher sex drive. I’ve known plenty of women who dominate in bed. In fact, the receptive partner can be the one in total control. I’ve seen you be assertive and it’s very hot.” The older man smirked at him, and it sent a thrill of arousal down into Levi’s groin.

“Really? You liked me being in charge and ordering you around?”

“Oh I really did,” Erwin almost purred. “And I love all your noises- never censor them from me. I personally just prefer to talk and say nasty things to get you off rather than just swear and groan, but I appreciate it’s hard to rein in noises when you are the one on the bottom.”

He snorted a laugh out through his nose, “No kidding. I guess I can relate. I love it when you hold me down and power drill me,” Levi’s fingers traced the hard muscles through Erwin’s shirt. “I have to be in the right mind-set to be able to order you around, though. For one, I have to be sane enough to still be able to speak. If you’re fucking me silly then I have no hope.”

A thought seemed to appear to Erwin, “Perhaps next time you can get on top. You can control the speed and depth, and maybe that’ll give you the head space to push me about verbally.”

Feeling rather unsure, Levi tried to clarify, “Get on top of you? In you?”

Erwin looked taken-aback, “I-uh, if you like. What I actually meant was sit on my lap and take me inside you, but I’d be willing to if you wanted to try-“

“No,” Levi shook his head, “Uh, maybe another time.”

 _Maybe never_ , he thought to himself, certain that performance anxiety and worry about cleanliness would make an erection physically impossible. It was embarrassing enough practically always being soft when Erwin was inside him, but he couldn’t stomach the thought of disappointing in bed and failing to be able to go through with yet another aspect of sex. Plus from the sounds of it, Erwin wouldn’t enjoy it anyway, which wouldn’t help Levi’s stress levels.

However, the idea of sitting on that mouth-watering erection held great appeal. It would free up his hands and allow them to play with Erwin’s beautiful torso and arms, rake hands through the blonde hair and fiddle with those tasty nipples. In turn, Erwin would have his hands free too.

Clearly enamoured by the idea of getting Levi to narrate his whole fucking experience of sex, Erwin continued making suggestions, “Or we could just grind against each other with you on top?”

Surprised at this not bothering the older man, Levi raised an eyebrow, “You would let me?”

“It would be a good place to start, I think.”

“And you won’t feel weird about it?”

Erwin’s big shoulders shrugged, “I enjoy being hyper-dominant in bed and being physically bigger than you; being able to toss you around is such a turn on, but when you turn tables on me it is _so_ hot, I know I’ll enjoy it.” He gave an encouraging smile, “Shall we continue?” He turned the page to the next chapter.

The book went on to debunking the absurd myths surrounding the socially taboo subject of homosexual unions. Levi held in a smirk as the author iterated that positions men took during homosexual acts did not correlate to those of heteronormative couples. There was no need to see one partner as ‘the man’ and the other as ‘the woman’. Instead, both were equals and there was no shame in having a preference either way. The writer even had a name for the shame some men felt at their proclivities; internalised homophobia.

He could see why the church would want to censor such a pioneering book. Nowhere was there an entreaty to marry, be heterosexual or remain monogamous- all ways that the church exerted its control over people’s personal lives. There was no deft cloaking of the topic of sex in religious sanction, and the principles of the church were evidently not upheld by the author, likely furthering its prohibition. The writer also seemed to be of the heretical opinion that sexual repression led to unhappy people and per operative logic, a crumbling state. He claimed that great sex could shore up love and stabilise relationships. Levi had to admit that this rang true. Both he and Erwin were happier men since they had started fucking each other, and sex had fostered a strong bond that set their relationship apart and made it special compared to all their dealings with other people.

The author described all forms of carnal knowledge between consenting adults as completely natural, and his primary focus wasn’t on reproduction but rather on having a satisfactory sex life. There was no call for it to be within a government-legitimised, church-sanctified marriage or to be done only in moderation, but reminded readers to value quality over quantity of encounters and chosen partners.

Perhaps the celibate old men who were the gate-keepers of religion thought they were doing society a favour by banning such books; that in doing so they would prevent the masses having degenerate or obscene thoughts. They probably believed too much good sex turned people bad. Perhaps they truly did believe that people’s behaviour affected the Walls themselves. This book entirely failed to mention the Walls at all, and in contrast touted all forms of sex as a cure to almost everything from simple ailments such as melancholy and headaches to general physical and societal ills. A liberal approach to sex and its education could apparently lead to cultural reform, reduction in criminal behaviour and crime rates, and intellectual advancement. Levi smirked as he considered how little criminal activity he himself had been involved in since finding himself a fuck buddy. 

The book encouraged readers to let their animalistic side out in the bedroom, to use fantasy to heighten the excitement and to experiment with various strange-looking devices in their orifices.

Levi couldn’t help but feel that liberating peoples’ sex lives would probably be for the betterment of society as a whole. He at least suspected that people would be happier if they were less repressed. He wondered where one would buy the odd devices described, and doubted whether this time Erwin could just ask his usual dealer to supply such things.

It was easily apparent that the older man was greatly enjoying their new book, and Erwin altered his tone of voice to show his interest and surprise as he read, “’-he should not feel entitled, and no sex should take place at all unless both partners desire it. Once the top partner has done what his nature has motivated him to do-’” Erwin read, “’-he must be careful to not leave the bed too soon and instead ensure the emotional and physical fulfilment of the receiving man.’” He looked at Levi, “I don’t leave the bed too soon, do I?”

Levi scoffed and set down his now sadly cold tea, “If you had it your way, we wouldn’t get out at all. I have to kick you out every fucking time so we can wash and clean up.”

“True.” The blonde grinned then looked back at the book. Looking slightly shocked for the first time since starting to read, Erwin gave a slightly embarrassed cough as he continued, “This bit talks about ‘absorption of the penetrative partner’s secretions’,”

Levi pulled a face.

Some of the advice was baffling, if poetically written. And one picture in particular featuring two men engaging in coitus had both scratching their metaphorical heads. Erwin tried turning the book, first one way then the other, then moved it away from himself and then closer again as if that would help him better understand what was going on. Then in perfect synchrony, both men tried tilting their heads in one direction and then the other, each trying to figure out exactly what was being depicted.

“Any ideas?” Erwin asked.

If Erwin didn’t know, how was he supposed to?

“None.” Levi admitted. He tried narrowing his eyes, then widening them, just in case absorbing more or less light from the picture might help. It didn’t. “I haven’t a fucking clue what they’re doing.” He pointed at a different picture where one man was lying face down, and his partner seemed to be penetrating him while he squatted over his ass and faced the other way, “These guys aren’t even facing each other- are they backwards fucking?”

“I think so. We could try it and see if it’s physically possible. The description says it’s good for prostate stimulation.”

There was advice about preparation of the receptive partner, counselling patience, oral preparation and the liberal usage of lubrication to prevent injury. There were pictures illustrating slight variations on commonly enjoyed positions in order to increase depth of penetration, to angle against the prostate better or compensate for a below average penis length. Levi smirked and laid a possessive hand on Erwin’s bulge- the last issue certainly wasn’t a problem for them.

“I love being able to read,” Levi confessed as he peered at the words, fingers idly stroking Erwin's crotch. The print was small and in a strange font. He wondered what he would have thought of this book if he had read it before his burgeoning sexuality had been awakened by the blonde devil beside him.

“I’m glad. Your efforts were very worthwhile, if only to read this filth with me.”

“Thank you,” he looked up at the blonde, sincere gratitude in his face and tone.

The smile he got in return was the most beautiful thing Levi had ever seen. “You are more than welcome.”

One chapter near the end was dedicated to ways of tying one’s partner up, and how to safely engage inflicting pain on each other or partaking in the acting out of fantasies.

“’Safe words’,” an annoyed sigh escaped Blondie’s lips. “’A critical component of consensual sex. A word serving as a pre-arranged and unambiguous signal to end an activity, such as risky sexual behaviour between a dominant and submissive couple, where the activity can approach the edge of one’s comfort zone.’” He looked at Levi, “This is what I forgot to mention before we played. Pre-determined words which act like an emergency brake; one of us can say them at any time and we dial back the action.”

Pursing his lips, Levi felt confused, “Why not just say no, or stop?”

The blonde gave a sinfully sexy grin, “Sometimes saying no or pleading the other to stop can be part of the fun.”

Something playful sparked in his groin at the idea of pretending to beg Erwin to stop, “Yeah, okay I get that.”

“So we can use what this book suggests- red, yellow and green- or we can come up with a word of our own that will kill the mood and we will know to stop. Maybe a word or phrase that stands out during sex,”

“How about, ‘dusty shelves’,” Levi shivered at the thought.

“It certainly is a mood-killer,” Erwin agreed, wincing. "It can be helpful if it is a neutral word, or a complete turn - off." 

“What about ‘Hanji’?”

“It’s probably best we don’t shout our colleagues’ names during sex,” Erwin looked again at the page. “I like the colour-coded idea. I’ve used it before. Red means stop, yellow means slow down or take a breather, and green means good to go. It’s easy to remember and seems crystal clear.”

“We should try it. I want to play again sometime.”

Apparently happy about this, Erwin gave a stunner of a smile that showed off all his beautiful teeth, “I need to get some advice from an expert first, so that I do a better job of being in control next time.”

“Uh huh. And who in all three Walls are you going to ask?”

“The duchess.”

“The old bird? With the haunted vagina?” But the more Levi thought about it, the more he supposed that someone that old really might have seen it all, particularly if she had gone through three husbands and countless affairs.

“What?” Erwin looked bemused. “A haunted vagina?”

“That’s what Mike told me.”

“Of course that’s what he told you.” Giving something between a laugh and a sigh, Erwin shook his head, “Happily for me it is not haunted; she is also next on our list of official engagements so you will get to meet her too. Her fundraisers are always fun, and this time we will be staying a few nights. It might be like a holiday.”

“You like her?”

“I do.” And Erwin clearly meant it. “And I think she will like meeting you too.”

“Not everyone likes me as much as you. In fact, no one does. I’m prickly and sour and rather poor company to most people.” Levi shifted slightly, freeing one leg that had started to go numb under him. “So, she knows about this sort of stuff?” He gestured at the descriptions in the book.

“Indeed. She is the one who introduced me to this _sordid_ world of sexual adventures. Our nights together are-“ Erwin paused as he searched for the right word, “-interesting, to say the least.”

“Well, I’ll leave you both to it. At least it sounds as if you might actually enjoy yourself with her.”

“You don’t mind?”

Giving him as serious a look as he could muster, Levi assured him, “It’s just business. And anyway, unlike last time when you fucked a young, tall, hot, blonde, rich girl-“ Levi mimed the outline of the countess’s giant bosoms on himself, “-I’m hardly worried about having to compete with a ninety year old woman.” He let his hands droop, pretending now to have rather pendulous breasts.

A big finger tilted Levi’s chin up, his gaze meeting with sincere blue eyes staring down at him, “ _Nobody_ can ever compete in my affections for you. I promise.”

Levi swallowed hard and nodded. The book was put down, and they sat pressed together in silence, watching the fire down burn to its last embers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just a few notes!
> 
> It was thanks to a few of the comments from the last chapter that this one ended up existing (I really do listen to you all!). I was going to skip immediately to the next bit, but lots of people seemed excited at the idea of them having a nice day off, so your wish was my command! It was a pleasure to write it! Even if chapters like this don't quite move the plot as a whole along, it allows me to explore some themes that may become relevant later on.
> 
> I think Erwin would be more enamoured with the idea of marriage being a romantic gesture and being an important component of a long-term relationship, especially with the message it sends to others; they say here that a marriage gladdens your friends, but strikes fear into the heart of your enemies- a sentiment I'm sure Erwin would share being a Surface-dweller. As for Levi, I don't think it is important for him per se, but the fact that Erwin values it is an important consideration of Levi's.
> 
> The bit about the tree leaves comes from a discussion with my own husband who is in his thirties and grew up in London. He genuinely didn't know until this year that different species of tree were identifiable by features such as their leaves and bark. He thought every tree had different leaves, just like people have different fingerprints.
> 
> Bucher was fun to write and I have plans for him later, so it was nice to find somewhere fun to slot him in,
> 
> And the book was fun too- I figure in this very conservative and tech-free world that finding info on stuff like BDSM would be incredibly difficult. That's why I don't have them using our world vernacular for things like dom and sub etc- it simply isn't common knowledge there. And all the methods of contraception are historically accurate. I imagine some of them even worked!
> 
> Peat Monster is probably one of my favourite whiskeys- it is very smoky and satisfying, and because of that it has to be drunk slowly to savour it properly.
> 
> Anyway, enough rambling! As always, thank you for continuing to read and write your lovely comments- every one is read and treasured enormously! I still have big plans for this story, but big things are afoot in COVID ICU and the manga, and sometimes when big things happen in it I am too emotional to write for a while, so bear with me in terms of updates!


	25. Da liegt der Hund begraben

More notices. More letters. More pleading for funds. As yet another long evening passed drafting responses to important correspondents, the candles burned low in Erwin’s office. With the lengthening days, hopefully they wouldn’t need to light them as often. As much as Erwin hated penny pinching, every bit really did help.

“A new batch of vaccines have come in, and apparently I need them all.” Levi commented off-handedly while sealing finished letters into envelopes with wax from the solitary red candle burning slowly on the table.

“All at once?”

“Yeah.” Lifting the candle, Levi tilted it until drops of thick red wax dropped onto the last envelope. “Apparently it’s the best way to get them. Then the second doses will be in a few months.”

Erwin handed him the seal, “It might be best to postpone them just a bit longer, then. Unless of course you would rather skip coming with me to the duchess’s ball?”

“No. I have a card game to play and horses to win, if you’ll permit me.”

“Hmmmm.” Erwin tapped his pen against the table top. “I’m still considering it. Anyway, what I’m saying is that if you get all your vaccines now, you might feel unwell during our trip. When I had the sweat vaccine alone I felt shivery and achy for a few days afterwards, even though I’d already had the illness as a child. I imagine when you get all of them at once you might need a few days of rest afterwards. Have you ever had any of the other usual childhood illnesses?”

Passing him the finished envelopes, Levi shrugged and let his hand linger over Erwin’s, “I don’t know. I think I had an itchy rash once, but it was an infestation of lice, fleas and scabies rather than an infection.”

Quite horrified, Erwin nearly removed his hand instinctually from Levi’s at the thought of infested skin, but realised quickly that the action was irrational and would probably upset Levi and make him feel dirty. Instead he turned his own palm up and squeezed Levi’s slim wrist, “When did that happen?”

“It was when mom started to get really sick and was bed bound, so I probably had them for a month or so. She wasn’t well enough to do anything about it, and I certainly didn’t know what to do. The guy who took me in got me some rancid tasting medicine for it, and stuff to put on my skin and hair. I remember how fucking disgusted he looked at the time; he had to bandage my hands to stop me scratching myself raw.”

“That must have been horrible for you.” It went some way to explaining Levi’s terrible compulsion to clean himself until his skin was marked red at times.

“Yeah.” He looked somewhat abashed as he stared down at their hands. “Sometimes I still have nightmares about it. If I get itchy, I automatically assume it’s something sinister and have to check my wrists, which is dumb.”

“It’s not dumb. It’s a learned response.”

“Yeah well, trust me you never want to know what it’s like to be crawling with anything more than head lice.” Levi shivered in distaste at the memory, before looking up at Erwin and changing the subject. “So, what do you say? Let me play von Meyer.”

“Why?” Erwin didn’t fully trust the savvy lawyer to not have another reason to want to test Levi at the card table. “Apart from getting two horses, what good will it do us?”

Withdrawing his hand, Levi reached into his inside jacket pocket and took out a worn deck of playing cards, “Because the information I glean about him will extrapolate to other aspects of his behaviour, and that will allow us to make predictions about him.”

As Erwin watched, Levi took the cards out and spread them flat on the table with a flourish, “How?”

“The way someone reacts in a game of cards tells me interesting things about them. Individuals see their luck differently, and knowing how they view fortune tells me something about their character and worldview. And also-“ Levi added, “-how likely they are to bluff a bad hand in real-life scenarios.”

Not being an avid player of cards, Erwin’s uncertainties about the intricacies of the game were still making him somewhat reluctant to allow this to proceed. “But in a card game it is entirely a matter of chance whether you win or lose.”

Looking at Erwin as though he had said something totally idiotic, Levi furrowed his eyebrows, “Not at all. It’s not like we will be playing dice, Erwin. I’m not leaving it up to chance. That’s why I agreed to cards instead where I have much more control.”

The blonde shook his head, moving the envelopes and writing materials to one side for the night, “Surely with cards it is still entirely chance; winning is dependent on the hand you are dealt.”

Levi gave him a roguish smirk that made his eyes flash dangerously, “That tells me just how inexperienced you are. It is no game of arbitrary luck, rather entirely a game of bluff, psychology and calculating whether or not your opponent appreciates that, their ability to read you back and how much they are willing to gamble on their gut feeling being correct. Plus, with cards it’s easier to cheat when you do need to win.”

“Cheat? What have extra cards up one sleeve?”

Shrugging, Levi took his jacket off and rolled both sleeves up his forearms, “That’s one way. Personally, I card count or alter the order of the deck where possible.”

Grinning, Erwin wasn’t entirely surprised that Levi would resort to underhand methods to get what he wanted. “You crook.”

Voice smooth and deep, Levi chuckled, “You know it. I know how to handle the red women,” Levi said cryptically, grey eyes flashing wide then narrowing dangerously.

“What?” Sure that his expression was completely clueless, Erwin just sighed. Sensing they were likely to strike up a game, he looked over at his drinks cabinet and considered getting them both a whiskey.

“Don’t worry about it.” Levi gave him a patronising pat on the forearm. “But I have wanted to practice the game with you. I know you have a good poker face in political melees and chess, so I want to see if I can read you in this. It shouldn’t take you long to pick up the game in its most fundamental form.”

Shuffling and cutting the pack without even glancing down at the deck, Levi locked eyes with him, “The basic game is simple, Erwin. It’s the additional rules that start to catch people out.” Levi then proceeded to explain the rules while continuing to shuffle the deck. As best as he could, Erwin tried to pay attention to Levi’s explanation rules of the seemingly simple game.

Each player received a hand of ten cards: five cards were dealt face-down to each player, and the player could then look at them and discard up to four of them, receiving new cards to replace them. Still hiding their hand, they then had to place a bet based on how they valued their hand or wanted to bluff. Then a further five cards were dealt face-up to each player except the dealer, who received his face-down. The first player began by assembling their cards into one of a myriad winning groupings, and displaying them. The next player then attempted to create a more valuable grouping or fold. If the player was successful in creating a more valuable grouping, the original first player could then try again to create an even more valuable grouping for himself, or fold. This process passed left around the table until only one player remained, who then won the hand

The categories of winning groups had odd names that Erwin had never heard of before, and each had a slightly different value depending on the rules in play and the initial values of the cards. A few special hands could cripple the game and then quickest player to assemble and play a winning grouping after a crippling occurred won the pot. By the end of the explanation, Erwin’s head was spinning and he felt even less certain than before that he knew how to play.

Unexpectedly, Levi stopped shuffling and then dealt them each four cards face down. “I bet I can guess your hand.”

Picking up his hand, Erwin tried to keep his expression and body language neutral.

Four twos. Even with his poor knowledge of the game, Erwin knew this was a shitty hand.

With a smirk, Levi asked, “Four twos?” Then he showed his own hand, “Four aces,”

Mystified, Erwin touched the cards as if to check they were real, “How? How could you possibly-”

“You weren’t paying attention while I shuffled the deck,” Levi cut in, swiping the cards back and reintroducing them to the deck. “That gave me the advantage of being able to manipulate the order of cards. It should be simple etiquette to not talk during the cut point, so the fact you allowed me to distract you told me already that I was going to win.” Giving Erwin the deck to cut this time, Levi gave a small smile, “Unscrupulous dealers can falsely cut the cards by misdirecting your attention, allowing them to make specific desired changes to the deck’s order to gain advantage.”

With much less skill and speed, Erwin shuffled the deck. “Sneaky bastard,” he murmured.

“Takes one to know one.”

He dealt the cards as instructed.

“It’s a clockwise game, so you go first.” Levi behind him into his jacket and pulled out a small bag of coins. “Let’s bet with pennies, just to give you an idea of how it feels to decide how high a bet to place and how to up the ante.”

Despite rarely hesitating to gamble on decisions in real life, Erwin found himself reluctant and at rather a loss on how to place actual monetary bets during a game. The first few rounds were painfully slow, but although Levi won the first round, Erwin was pleasantly surprised to win the next two. Rather too surprised.

Agog at his beginner’s luck, he took in his little pile of winnings, then looked up at the criminal opposite him questioningly, “I beat you twice…….”

“I let you win,” Levi corrected, then smirked at him. “Just like how I let you catch me when we first met. Losing a bit of money and a few hands early in the game to other players reveals their tells and lure them into a false sense of security. It’s what will win me the big bucks at the end of the game when the stakes are higher.”

“But I saw you looking confused,” he insisted.

“A bluff.” Levi said simply. “I was pretending and giving you false signals. Learning to differentiate when someone is faking a bluff is part of the game.” He stood to bring over the whiskey, leaving Erwin to peer at the cards.

A further hour passed companionably; some games Erwin won, some he lost, yet either way, he sensed Levi was masterminding every step. No matter how many times Levi explained additional rules to him and demonstrated the more difficult modes of play as they upped the ante, Erwin ended up more flummoxed than before. The rules seemed inconsistent and at times contradictory to each other, convoluting the game out of all recognition.

Eventually he declared himself too tired to continue, his head swimming and pile of coins totally gone. Sipping at his whiskey, he could only pray that Von Meyer proved as easy to mystify as him at the card table.

~~~~

Now that the weather was pleasant and neither too warm nor too cold, training outside became a complete pleasure. They had spent one day troubleshooting what to do when there were equipment failures, and they had to try manoeuvring with only one anchor wire working. Levi had volunteered to try first, and successfully navigated the obstacle course and defeated the cardboard titans with the malfunctioning gear, giving the misleading impression that it was in fact rather easy. Subsequent attempts by other soldiers had rather ended in disaster; a broken arm and one broken jaw, plus countless people smashing into trees. No one else managed to make it past the first titan.

Erwin made a mental note to not let Levi go first next time.

Friday rolled around quickly, and last minute Shadis bowed out of attending the duchess’s banquet with Erwin. There was rarely an upper or lower limit placed on how many could attend from their number, but it was poor form to attend alone or invite too many. Luckily, now that Levi was an expected fixture at Erwin’s side, the commander really didn’t need to accompany him, which gave Erwin the room to flex his political muscles without having a superior officer around to have to defer to. The commander seemed to realise that the nobility wanted to see more of Erwin and his rogue captain than they did him, and this seemed to bother him less that Erwin felt it should. Not that he minded; attending with Levi was much more entertaining, and although his tongue could cause trouble, in general he could be trusted to not give Erwin too much grief.

Ready and raring to go, Levi headed to the stables to saddle up his horse in preparation for what he guessed was an overnight ride. In the courtyard, Mike was busy snuffling around and didn’t look as if he were coming with them.

Curious, Levi yelled over at him, “Hey, Zacharius, you not coming this time?”

“No.” Mike wasn’t paying him full attention, apparently distracted by something. His big nose was pointed up into the air as he sniffed around.

Levi smirked and stalked closer to the tall weirdo, deciding to chance his arm, “I still remember your generous offer to fill in for Erwin last time; how about you come with us and service the duchess on Erwin’s behalf?”

“You know what, I’m good. I’ll sit this one out.” Mike gave him finger guns as he walked backwards away from him. “Rain check.” Sticking his nose out again, he followed it around the corner and out of sight.

From the main building, Erwin came out looking handsome, but rather unsuitably dressed for horse riding.

“Are we not going on horseback?”

“Not this time.” Erwin pointed to a shining gold carriage that was just pulling into the forecourt and Levi’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

The gig coming towards them was the fanciest thing Levi had ever seen. The outside was gilded with what he suspected was real gold-leaf (which he later confirmed when he surreptitiously scratched at it with a fingernail when no one was looking), with beautifully intricate carvings etched into the wood. When he inspected the underside, the wheels had built-in suspension. Three servants in livery with fine gold embroidery and silk stockings drove the coach, a heraldry embossed in silver thread on their red jackets. Every other soldier around had come to gawk at the carriage and the animals pulling it. 

“Four fucking horses?” Four expensive-looking horses were tethered to the carriage, each with a large feathered plume on its head like a fancy hat. “What’s the occasion, Erwin? How much did this fucking get up set you back? ”

“Our hostess has sent it for me.” One of the liveried men dismounted and opened the double doors on the side of the carriage, lowering steps for them to climb into it. Erwin stepped towards it and beckoned Levi to follow. “She’s done it for the last eight years; her ladyship likes for me to arrive in style”

“Fuck, this one really likes you, huh?”

“Indeed.” Giving a little bow, Erwin gestured for Levi to enter first, “Sir,” he proffered his hand to help him up, and Levi scoffed but played along.

The inside was plush, with fold down beds and a table to dine on. A basket of food and wine was visible under the cushioned seats on Erwin’s side. The blonde nodded to the coachmen that they were ready to depart, and the doors were closed. As the carriage pulled smoothly away, Levi reached into his bag and pulled out some boot polish. Having planned to do it after and not before a long horse ride, there seemed no reason not to do it now that he would remain indoors. Taking off his boots, he stuck a forearm in one to hold it aloft and upside down, then applied the wax to improve the waterproofing while buffing the leather to a dapper sheen.

“So, tell me about our gracious host.” Levi knew next to nothing about her, except that she corresponded with Erwin on a weekly basis and was apparently into some really kinky shit that would astonish even the liberal Mr. Titillator.

“The duchess of Stohess?” Erwin toed off his own boots, hoping Levi would kindly agree to do his as well. “She retired to her country residence to convalesce after an illness during the depths of winter, but has recovered enough to apparently host her birthday celebrations once more. It will be a three night stay with no expense spared.”

“Nice. Is she really as ancient a crone as Mike was telling me?”

“She’s eighty,” Erwin’s tone was almost chastising as he opened a window, lest they huffed in too many fumes filling the enclosed space from the boot polish, “and someone I’m rather fond of, Levi. Be nice.” The sounds of the coachmen’s chatter drifted in through the window.

“Is she the kinkster with the sex cane?”

“Yes,” Grinning to himself, Erwin’s eyes had a faraway look in them. “Among other things.”

“Are you going to be black and blue when you come out?”

“There might be a few marks, but nothing terribly painful.”

“Hmmmm,” He didn’t like the idea of Erwin being hurt, even willingly.

Giving him a patronising look, Erwin smirked, “You personally have benefitted enormously from my tutelage from her. Be grateful.”

Levi snorted, “I’ll add her to my Christmas card list along with Mike then. Anyone else I need to consider?”

The blonde gave a cheeky wink and crossed his legs to get more comfortable, “I have learned something from everyone I’ve bedded.”

“Fuck, it’s gonna be a long list then. I’d better start them now.” Setting down his own boots, Levi grabbed Erwin’s and set to work, “I was thinking, you should use me more to get information at your fancy parties.”

“You despise speaking to the nobility.”

“I do,” Levi agreed wholeheartedly. “What I’m suggesting is that I speak to their servants; in general they are ignored and privy to all sorts. For example, nannies are quasi-family members, Erwin. Their little charges might tell them all sorts of things their parents say in their presence without thinking, and I bet court painters hear all sorts of secret shit too during sittings.” He had noticed that there always seemed to be one lurking in the background at such parties seeking patronage or making a sketch of the room. “Let me infiltrate them; they’ll trust me more than they’d trust you and wouldn’t be as surprised to see me down in the servant’s quarters. That girl I tossed a coin to at the Count's ball gave me some information later on, you know. It wasn’t relevant, but a little goes a long way with the right people.”

Mulling the idea over, Erwin nodded, “I suppose it might give you a break from mingling on the dancefloor.”

“Exactly. I’ll go downstairs and have a knees up with the butlers instead.”

Erwin laughed at the mental image that created.

Levi shifted in his seat, “I need to stop for a piss break.” Knocking against the wood with a fist, the carriage came to a halt and the doors were opened. He got out and headed off a few metres into the brush.

Deciding it was worth following suit, Erwin got out and proceeded behind him.

Stifling a groan, Levi sighed, “Fuck I needed that. Shouldn’t have drank so much tea this afternoon, but I thought we were going on our horses. I didn’t know we were being stuffed in a box, even if it is a fancy one.”

Despite Erwin finding Levi’s crassness highly amusing, he had planned to ask him to dial it back a bit when in polite society. Without exception Levi failed to follow social conventions when it came to levels of politeness in language, refusing to use formal pronouns when others would deem it appropriate. As they stood and relieved themselves off the side of the road, Erwin made his request and could actually _feel_ Levi roll his eyes from where he stood a yard away beside him.

“You can speak respectfully, Levi. I’ve heard you do it.”

“If you _ever_ hear me talking like that, then you can be certain I’m being sarcastic.”

The blonde sighed, “You need to show at least some deferential behaviour around me in public.”

Shaking himself dry and buttoning up his pants, Levi turned to him and gave a mock curtsey.

“Thank you,” Erwin tucked himself back in and followed him back into the carriage, trying very hard not to smack his little ass on the way. “That’s exactly what I meant.”

Once on their way again, Erwin’s stomach rumbled loudly. He reached under the seat and pulled out the picnic, licking his lips at the delights in the basket. Opposite him, Levi was rummaging through Erwin’s bag and pulled out one of his belts. With his gut-hooked knife, he cut a new notch in it, smoothing out the leather and replacing it without saying a word.

Holding the basket tightly to him, Erwin frowned, “Are you trying to subtly hint that I’m getting fat?”

“No,” Levi didn’t even look up at him as he proceeded to do the same with yet another one of Erwin’s belts. “Your body is perfect. It’s your belts which are all one hole shy of perfection.”

“Are you being sarcastic? I’m struggling to tell.”

Looking sincere, Levi shook his head, “If I had it my way you would have slightly more, not fewer reserves. Don’t worry about helping yourself to seconds on this trip, chief.”

Having travelled in the carriage before, Erwin knew how to fold down the bed for the night once it was time to bunk down. The bed was essentially two cushioned planks that fastened together into a double bed. Limited in length by that of the inside of the carriage, Levi would be able to easily stretch out, but Erwin would need to curl up into a fetal position to fit adequately.

The gig rolled slightly from side to side like a boat on water as it traversed the pot-holed road, and Levi felt distinctly unhappy as he lay down, “I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep for fear of rolling off in the night if we hit a deep rut.”

“I can help with that.” One of Erwin’s arms draped over him to stabilise Levi against the bed. “Or better yet, we don’t have to sleep at all,” Erwin suggested, his hand exploring under Levi’s blanket. “It seems a shame to _not_ test how good the suspension on this carriage _really_ is.”

“They will hear us,” Levi snarled a whispered protest, smacking away the groping hand and glaring at him.

With the windows shut and blinds pulled down, Erwin was pretty sure they were safe. “No they won’t. We haven’t heard _them_ , and they have definitely been talking the entire way. Remember how we could hear them whenever a window was open?”

Levi harrumphed, “Even _if_ we stay quiet, and even _if_ they don’t hear us, they could hardly fail to notice the whole carriage rocking backwards and forwards. Besides, what if we need to get out quickly?”

“Don’t overthink it. We don’t have to go all the way.” Erwin shuffled his form against him and placed his hand on Levi’s cheek, turning his head to face him. A wet tongue forced its way into his mouth.

“You rat bastard,” Then with much less venom, “Motherfucker.” Then he gave in and began sloppily returning the kiss. He just couldn’t say no to this man, not when he lay beside him looking like something that had just walked out of one of his hottest, teenaged-self’s day dreams. In fact, never in even Levi’s wildest dreams had he ever envisaged meeting a man he found so utterly attractive, let alone said man wanting him back. Manoeuvring himself so he was on top, Erwin began to gyrate his hips, trying to coax an erection out of Levi. Helplessly fascinated by Erwin’s hard body, Levi’s hands roamed along the hard muscles and he had to stifle a groan as Erwin thrust his hips hard against his own. He had to forcibly keep his thighs shut, knowing that if Erwin managed to wiggle his way in between them like he wanted to then all hope of not having full penetrative sex was lost. Even Erwin with all his exquisite self-control would lose it whenever Levi began to beg him to put it inside.

When one of Erwin’s arms reached to grip under Levi’s leg to bring his knee up to his chest, Levi knew he needed to act fast. With a grunt of effort he tossed them both so he was now on top, “Nuh uh. You know where _that_ will lead.”

Erwin dropped his head back in defeat. “You could sit on top? Or I could just grind?”

 _Fucker,_ Levi thought. He really had been trying to work Levi up to begging point.

“I’m not clean,” Levi reminded him. And now he thought about it, neither was Erwin.

A cold sweat broke out over him at the thought. He shook his head, frustrated at his body reacting so badly to something so totally irrational. Erwin wasn’t a dirty man. Unexpectedly he began to notice that his bladder felt full, and Levi balked at the idea of messing up the expensive ride by accidently doing that weird squirting thing he sometimes did during sex with Erwin. Trying to control his breathing by shutting his mouth and taking slow ones through his nose, he hadn’t noticed Erwin softening beneath him.

“Levi?” An expression of concern suffused Erwin’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” he confessed, feeling his heart start to pound. The walls of the carriage felt they were closing in around him, and his bladder began to hurt. “I need some air.”

Reaching up behind himself, Erwin banged hard twice on the wall of the carriage and it slowed to a halt. Pulling on his pants, Levi bolted as soon as the door was opened.

The ground squelched beneath his feet and he realised too late that he hadn’t actually put his boots on.

“Tcch,” he groaned looking down, unsure in the dark whether it was mud or horse shit. Now he was actually dirty, the panic rose further. There was nowhere to wash. It was the middle of the night on the open road. He couldn’t set foot back inside the carriage or he would traipse filth everywhere. His hands reached up to pull at his hair to try and stop the flood of thoughts.

An arm wrapped around his waist and pulled him further away from the carriage. Erwin was now almost fully dressed and carrying a lantern in his other hand.

“It’s alright,” he said in a low voice. Now well away from the carriage, Erwin was swinging the light around as if to look for something. He must have found it, for he began to lead Levi off at a tangent to the direction they had been walking. “Sit here,” he ordered, pushing him down onto a flat rock and taking one of his hands out from where it pulled on his hair. “Talk to me.” He set the lantern down on the rock.

“I don’t-fuck I don’t-“ Levi felt the world around him change almost in front of his eyes, and for a strange moment he could have sworn he could feel shackles clamped tightly around his wrists, was sure he could hear the clanking of chains. He tried to focus on Erwin’s face to anchor him in the present.

“Breathe,” Erwin’s warm form knelt in front of him, taking his other hand out from his hair and holding them both. “Do you know where you are?”

They were probably about thirty miles from HQ, but Levi wasn’t exactly sure what town they were near.

“No,”

The answer seemed to unsettle Erwin, who pulled him into his embrace and practically began to smother him, “It’s alright,” he cooed against Levi’s temple. “It’s me, Erwin. We are on the Surface, on the road to a fundraiser. Everything’s fine. You’re not hurt.”

“I know that,”

Confusion spread over Erwin’s face, “Are you sure?”

Staring down at his forearms to check they really weren’t tied together, Levi began to wonder if he were actually going mad. He gave an uncertain nod. Perhaps Erwin thought he was having another flashback. Perhaps he _had_ been close and it had been aborted through Erwin’s quick thinking.

“Yes,” he whispered, then sighed and let his forehead relax against Erwin’s chest. “I’m- I’m alright.” The fresh air was helping clear his mind and push down the panic.

The tension dropped out of Erwin’s shoulders, “Good. Was that my fault?”

“Your fault?” Levi shook his head. “No, I just- my thoughts went somewhere weird. I don’t really know what happened.”

They sat together for a while, the waves of heat and nausea that had been building within Levi subsiding in the cool air. While he took his time calming down, the coachmen had dismounted and were taking the opportunity to stretch their own legs and pet the horses.

“Let’s head back,” Erwin eventually suggested when a shiver ran through Levi. He stood and unbuttoned the front of his pants, “Might as well have a toilet break while we’re at it.”

It was a reasonable suggestion. He had forgotten how badly he had needed a piss, “Yeah.”

Once relieved, they turned back. On the road, the carriage gleamed in the lights lit at its four corners. There were lanterns also hanging at the front two horses to guide them on the road. Levi hesitated at the carriage steps, looking down and glad to see that it was just the soles of his feet that were brown.

Turning to see why Levi had stopped, Erwin frowned, “You ready to get back in? Or do you need a bit more time?”

“My feet are muddy,” he pointed out.

Gesturing to the steps, Erwin reached in to grab Levi’s rucksack, “Sit down. There’s plenty of water to wash them and I’ll get your soap.”

Thank the Walls Erwin could retain his sensibilities whenever he lost his own. Rolling up the bottom of his pants, Levi gratefully took the cold water and soap, cleaning as best he could. By the time he was finally satisfied, he was chilled to the bone. The nights were still horribly cold, and he pitied the poor horsemen driving the carriage. They had put on thick cloaks and gloves to protect themselves. At least it was a dry night.

The doors were closed behind them once more and the carriage gave a lurch as the horses began to move again. Taking off his pants and shuffling back under the now cold sheets, Levi sighed, noting that the temperature inside the carriage had dropped significantly thanks to his freak out.

“Can I lie behind you?”

It was sweet that Blondie was asking permission, rather than just inviting himself into position. Levi yawned, “Of course. You’re probably freezing too now, it’s the least I can do to try and warm you up. I’m sorry, I don’t really know what came over me.”

“Don’t worry about that. Just try and get some sleep.”

Big, strong arms wrapped around him and pulled him in. It felt like a warm, heavy blanket was smothering him. Now too weary to care about the shifting of the gig around him, the swaying of the bed was actually quite comforting. It felt like he was being rocked to sleep.

He must have fallen asleep as soon as he shut his eyes. It felt like only seconds before he awoke to sunlight trying to enter in through the blinds.

 _Hours_ , he thought, staring up the shafts of light. _I must have slept for hours._

Erwin’s face was pressed into the crook of his neck, and his drool had pooled on Levi’s skin where he had mouth breathed all night. It was odd the way this never bothered him, when every other bodily secretion could unsettle him so. He tried to stay still for as long as he could, but eventually he felt the pressing need to sit up. Swinging his legs around, Levi leaned his elbows on his knees and kept his head bowed as he brushed off the last remnants of his sleepiness. Unable to stretch out the way he normally liked to after sleep, Erwin could only groan and also rise into a sitting position on the makeshift bed.

“That was quite the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had in this gig.” Erwin declared from behind him.

“Hmmmm.”

A kiss was planted on Levi’s lower back, “How are you feeling?”

“Fine. Embarrassed,” he admitted, unable to look around at the older man. He hated not being able to perform when Erwin wanted to have sex; it felt like he was letting him down, which Erwin always told him was ludicrous.

“We only have sex when we are both in the mood,” Erwin reminded him. “How many times must I tell you that I don’t like the idea of you submitting to anything in bed just to make me happy.” Behind him, Erwin moved and then his long legs appeared either side of his own and arms pulled him back against a strong chest, “Don’t be embarrassed.” It was an order this time.

“If you insist,” he tilted his head back to see Erwin’s face. He looked hungry. “Breakfast?”

“Breakfast,” he agreed.

~~~~

It was dusk by the time they neared the long driveway that led up to the house. Able to stand up straight in the carriage, Levi changed into his dress uniform without any difficulty. Erwin struggled slightly more, hitting his head once on the roof while trying to pull on his pants. Some of his blonde locks became disrupted, and had raised up from the death grip his hair gel had previously held on them. Without a mirror to hand, it was difficult for Erwin to fix his own hair, and Levi grabbed the comb from him, pushing him to sit down and standing between his legs to fix it. Not bothering with his own, Levi merely ran a hand quickly over it to make sure it was smoothed down.

Looking out the window as they approached, the grand house was as ostentatious as the others Levi had seen, but the sweeping meadows and lawns had a more pleasing natural appearance than the highly manicured gardens of the palaces in the Interior. An avenue of lit torches led up to a glittering wall of windows on the front of the building, and each window was brightly lit from within. Gravel crunched under the wheels as the carriage swung round to drop them off directly at the door; it was only one in a stream of carriages bringing other people to the gathering, although for once theirs was the most expensive by far.

With only a slight lurch the vehicle stopped. The coachmen dismounting caused the gig to swing slightly, then the doors were opened and a steward stepped forward to take their bags. Handing him and then each coachmen a coin in turn, Levi stared up at the building for a moment, then his moment of contemplation was broken by an all-too familiar voice growling behind them, “The service entrance is at the rear,”

Not deigning to give Arco the effort of fully turning his body around to face him, Levi merely cocked his head to catch sight of the man out of the corner of his eye. Since they had last encountered each other, the lord had become an even more enormous festering tub of guts, and was limping slightly.

Levi snorted out a breath through his nose, “Is that what you tell your wife too?”

Petulantly, the lord stamped his foot, “How dare you. At least I have a wife. In fact, some already question why practically all the officers in the Survey Corps choose unnecessarily to live like celibate monks, Erwin Smith.”

The man’s spittle hit Erwin’s beautiful dress uniform, and he casually wiped it off.

“Grrrrrr,” Levi grrrrred at the fat man. As he endured the agony of humiliation such a suggestion hinted at, only a very thin layer of civility held in the beast within. Not only was Arco trying to dent Erwin’s morale before he’d even stepped into the party, it was a dangerous insult and one that could utterly ruin a man’s reputation. Realising that in denying _any_ knowledge about Erwin’s sex life to the MP, Levi began to wonder if perhaps he had made him out to be rather too celibate. 

“Bring your dog to heel, Smith,” the corpulent tyrant sneered as he stalked off.

With a faint brush of fingertips, Erwin touched his elbow complicity, halting him in his tracks, “Ignore him.”

“Fine.” His eyes refused to tear themselves away from the man’s retreating form. “He’s probably just sexually frustrated; maybe his wife won’t give his ugly ass any, and he has to use his own tears as lube to jerk himself off alone.”

The hall was already full of people when they entered. Erwin took in the room; barons, earls and senior justices were among the guests, many of them Wallist sympathisers. All of them were wearing long cloaks, or clothes dyed expensive purples and reds, signifying their rank and advertising the fact that they were too rich to need to do physical labour. Their wives and daughters stood around them, dressed in huge, unwieldy dresses with long sleeves. He could laugh at the pointless pageantry of it all; the smiling and preening, knowing all the while that every single one of them silently plotted sedition against the other. He knew exactly why Levi hated this masquerade; the man had no time for the absurdly rich and their obsession with outward appearances. But in Erwin’s eyes it was all just a game, really; no different to Levi’s dice and cards. The younger man may have thoroughly trounced Erwin at cards, but _this_ \- Erwin lived and breathed _this_ game; the seething tension of power politics made his blood run hot, and he had to force down the creepy smile threatening to suffuse over his face.

Looking around the sea of people, Erwin wondered which of them, if any, had been in on Lobov’s plot to take him and the Survey Corps down. Did anyone here know that the man now standing by his side had been originally hired to assassinate him? What did they think of his change of allegiance into Erwin Smith’s greatest ally? Did it make Erwin look powerful, or did they suspect Levi changed sides only to avoid the hangman’s noose? He wagered that at some point in the future, Levi would one day be re-approached with new offers for his services and wondered what the new price on his own head would be.

As their names were announced loudly to the room, heads turned to look at them, and for a moment conversations stilled as people strained to get a look at the soldier and his wild card. Then the white noise of chatter started up again, louder than before. A number of old acquaintances soon came over to speak with him, and with that Levi backed off to blend into a wall. Clearly he didn’t feel ready to engage just yet.

It wasn’t long before a fanfare sounded, announcing the arrival of their noble hostess. In truth, Erwin was looking forward to seeing the duchess. He was immeasurably fond of her, with her savvy political mind and unwavering vocal support of him and the corps. A smile bloomed on his face, and he looked around the room for the tall, elegant woman.

It was with considerable shock that he saw a stooped figure moved slowly towards him, supported by a decorative walking cane in one hand, and the other on the arm of one in her huge train of ladies. The year before, this sophisticated lady had stood proud and tall, mingling independently with grace around her grand ballroom. He had to forcibly stop his expression and body language betraying his sadness at seeing that this last year had aged her more than all the previous nine put together, but then she had only recently recovered from a chest infection that many had thought she wouldn’t survive at all. She even smelled different when he leaned down to place a polite kiss on her cheek- it was a musty smell that he associated with the elderly. It was new since last year and his heart broke a little at the realisation that this gala might well be one of the last times they met in person.

He would make it a night to remember.

“My dear Erwin!” The duchess put out a hand to caress his cheek, “I have missed you. You look as handsome as ever. I’m so glad you could make it.” Even her voice had weakened. Where it had once been strong and steady, now it was thin, wavery and tremulous, with a slight whistling at the end of each breathy word.

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” He didn’t have to even try to sound convincing.

The old woman fanned herself and spoke to her ladies, “I will take a turn alone with the Squad Leader in the garden. I need some fresh air; this room is stifling.” Erwin put out his arm for her to take. Leading her slowly out into the grounds, he could sense her slight limp, and she felt frail against him.

Once they were alone in the rose garden, the duchess let out her playful side, “Now Erwin,” she crooned as she ran a finger down his sternum, “must I share you with yet someone else? And someone with whom I have no chance of competing? Why ever hadn’t you written to me about him in one of your letters?”

“Who might you be referring to?” He had taken a mental note of everyone present tonight, and he hadn’t seen any of his usual conquests.

She tutted, “The young man who has you fixed in his sights at all times.” The duchess waited for his reaction, “Don’t tell me you have failed to notice?”

Ah. Levi must have been glowering over at him for longer than Erwin had realised.

He cleared his throat, “Think of him as a security guard. He’s here for my safety. That’s all.”

“I’ve been watching you from the mezzanine level since you arrived. Your eyes and feet were constantly angling back towards him, and you weren’t looking at any of my ladies with your usual bedroom eyes.”

Unable to stop himself, Erwin felt his facial expression give him away, knowing that with this woman he was in safe company, “Alas, I had forgotten. You are always more astute than I give you credit for.” He made a mental note to school his body language more forcefully in future. He didn’t trust many people in life; this woman was one of them. But if anyone else got wind of his relationship with his male subordinate, it could spell danger for both of them and he would never forgive himself if it were due to his own carelessness yet again.

She gestured him to head over to an ornate bench, “My eyesight hasn’t failed me yet, nor am I in my dotage. Although when I finally go senile, I do hope I retain some memories of the happy times we have shared together.” With a creak of old joints, the duchess settled herself down and Erwin sat directly beside her, putting an arm around her to keep her warm. “I didn’t realise you swung both ways, though.”

“Is that a problem?” He felt he knew the answer already.

“Of course not. In fact it rather intrigues me. I like men too, remember?” She set a hand between his legs and he laughed.

“I know it well.”

Soft brown eyes raked up and down his face as the duchess spoke, "For much of my life I have been surrounded by flamboyant male artists, poets and philosophers, most of whom find their pleasure in other men.” Leaning her head against his shoulder, she looked off into the garden dreamily, “I would contend that there is a remarkable overrepresentation of homosexuals in the artistic and creative pursuits. Anyone with an oblique perspective is privileged when it comes to artistic creativity. They can see the same event and perceive opposite connotations at the same time.”

“Many heterosexuals are also capable of divergent thinking,” Erwin contended back. “Yourself for one.”

Sighing, she shook her head, “Yes, but we do tend to think and perform in rather predictable, circumscribed, and conventional roles in society. Did you know, my painter tells me that he made painting his vocation because he experiences the world differently from other men, and the art he creates to voice himself speaks that difference? Our society simply doesn’t have the words necessary for such as him to speak his experience at times, so he has found other ways. When he has a burning need to communicate, he picks up his paintbrush, or sculpts an image where you or I would brandish a pen.”

Fingers twitching as if he were holding said pen, Erwin nodded, “Art can indeed be a richer medium than words. Perhaps his familiarity with the different avenues of expression is what sets him apart from the average man, rather than his biology.” 

She hummed in contemplation, “I have heard the arguments for and against many times. Anyway, I don’t see the problem with people loving someone of the same sex. Personally I have always felt it wrong that the rights of such men and women are considered by some as an element of liberal positive law, not extension of natural law which they actually are.”

“Some would say it is unnatural,” Erwin looked at her quizzically, repeating what his lover had suggested only recently. He wondered what this well-educated lady would say in response. 

The elderly woman smoothed down the fabric of her dress, “Maybe it is unnatural to some, but then so are carriages and earrings and clothes. So not everything unnatural is by definition immoral. In my opinion, such thinking is dangerous, as it makes the scientific and legal achievements related to homosexuality into merely an element of modern liberalism; an idea that could be easily abandoned at any moment.”

"There haven’t been many achievements legally.” Not that he could think of, anyway.

“It is no longer punishable by death,” she reminded him, wincing slightly at her inability to add anything else. 

Erwin scoffed, “Yes, what an achievement.”

“It is at least something.”

“Do you think so? Even if someone like me wasn’t executed for their behaviour, my social standing and reputation would die a death. I would certainly never become commander. To me, that would truly be a fate worse than death.” He stared up the sky at this thought. “How are we to come by more such ‘achievements’? You mention natural law, but any solicitor who uses natural law to argue a point is often dismissed as rather a poor lawyer.”

“And yet, most of our law is based on precedent, which evolved from natural law.” Her argument was sound and she spoke with the conviction of someone who stood by their principles. “There are of course, many concepts of natural law, but the most common idea is that something is natural when used for its intended purpose. For many natural law philosophers, homosexual behaviour is unnatural because many see the goal of human reproduction and behaviour to be merely to procreate children. At first glance, this may seem obvious, not to mention the fact that the church has brainwashed us into thinking that anything that arouses sexual interest is a temptation and therefore evil; sinful. Now, I think we are beginning to understand that the purpose of sexuality is not merely reproduction, but of social value. Therefore fighting against having these rights is fighting natural law, which in itself surely must be immoral.”

Pretending at shock, Erwin barked out a laugh, “What would the Patriarch say about all of that?”

She harrumphed in a manner that reminded him of Levi, “I am rich enough that my cousin is unlikely to risk my displeasure by arguing outright with me. He knows my thoughts on the matter, and he has kept a boy or two himself, so he can’t exactly talk.”

Eyes widening, Erwin tucked away that particular piece of information for future use.

The duchess stroked his dress uniform as she continued, “Contemporary sexual rights between men and women include freedom of sexual expression, right to a family life and rights to a formalised relationship; it is logical therefore to extend this to homosexuals on the basis of natural law, which the church uses as its argument for its current stance. I say that if homosexuals want to marry, let them, then they can be as miserable as the rest of us.”

Pulling a pretend-sad face, Erwin regarded her with amusement, “I didn’t know you found married life really so very bad.”

“I jest,” she squeezed his knee. “There are certainly perks, as you well know.”

Pulling her closer, Erwin watched as each spoken word disappeared from his mouth as a cool cloud of vapour into the night air, “I have never been religious. Although I am glad for those who find solace in religion, I oppose dogmatic and narrow-minded approaches to it, especially where such thinking threatens or poses a threat to the safety and dignity of myself and those I love.” He regarded her with a smile, “You are very well-versed on legal matters.”

“While I was in my sick bed, Von Meyer and I had some very interesting conversations on topics such as this very one. It is useful to have a chief political advisor as one’s personal solicitor, especially during the dull winter months if one is stuck in bed.”

“Is he religious?” It wasn’t clear to him whether the man was, and Erwin was determined to know as much about him as possible.

“I can’t be sure. He engages in some of the rituals, but I suspect like most he puts himself first when it suits him.” Placing a finger on his chin, she turned his head to face her and changed the subject. “That boy of yours can’t be older than eighteen, Erwin. I didn’t know you liked them _that_ young.” Her tone was teasing, rather than one of chastisement.

“He is twenty six,” Erwin replied, a bit more coolly than he meant to.

A smug grin was directed his way and she gave him a cheeky tap on his calf with her walking stick, “No need to be coy. I have always liked my men younger too.” She squeezed Erwin’s knee. “It made a change from the large gaps between me and my previous dear husbands. Although my third was certainly the most well-endowed man I have ever met, and knew what just to do with it too, in his formative years it never functioned quite as well as it once did.”

“I’m sorry I’ll never live up to his physical standards,” Erwin pretended to pout.

“Don’t be jealous, Erwin. It doesn’t become you. Besides, you know well that he wasn’t my favourite husband,” she winked at him. “Now, what is the name of this dashingly suave young lover of yours?”

“Levi.”

This information made her sit even more upright, “ _Captain_ Levi?” It seemed to be the juiciest gossip she had heard in a while.

“The one and only.”

She placed a hand on her chest in surprise, “Oh, I must say, I’ve heard some interesting things about the two of you.”

For a moment, Erwin’s blood ran cold.

“I hear you found him half-starved in a sewer Underground after he killed an MP member.”

“That’s inaccurate.” Erwin had heard this rumour himself; although there was rarely smoke without fire, Levi had never mentioned killing any MP members, and the First Interior Squad hadn’t alluded to it either. He had often wondered where Levi and his crew had gotten their ODM gear from, and made a mental note to broach the subject when it next felt appropriate. He would pick a day he wasn’t likely to get laid for a while anyway, sensing that that such prying might get him the cold shoulder for a day or two.

“Some say that he is the long-lost son of an aristocratic family, or even royalty,” she suggested.

He took a second to give this one some thought, “It’s not impossible, but rather improbable.”

It was difficult to give a definitive no. Levi knew so very little about his mother other than her first name and profession, and absolutely nothing about his father. It was unlikely that his mother came from nobility, but stranger things had happened. And his father could have been anyone with a pass down to the Underground looking to spend an anonymous night with a cheap whore.

“I see. Is his legendary skill merely a myth too?”

“No,” Erwin felt his chest swell. “ _That_ is all true. He is worth an entire brigade of men. I don’t think there is a titan or man alive who could kill him. He has no weaknesses.”

 _That’s not true_ , a little voice said in the recesses of his mind. _You are his weakness_. _Someday_ , o _ne way or another, serving you will lead him to his death_. Levi’s preternatural loyalty to him would one day be the brave young man’s undoing, Erwin was certain of it.

She smiled at his obvious pride, oblivious to his frown, “It is reassuring to hear that such soldiers are on our front lines, bravely protecting us. Still, why hadn’t you mentioned him before now? I know you well, Erwin Smith, and this one is special.”

“You know I can’t write to you about things like that.”

Sighing over-dramatically, she patted his arm, “Yes, I know. Well, Erwin, if you enjoy sex with him, then don't allow the bigotry of others to hold you back. If sex was purely for reproduction, then I have been sinning since I hit menopause at the early age of thirty. All that you and I have done together would never hope to produce children-" brown eyes regarded him playfully, "-yet here we are.”

“Here we are,” he agreed. 

“Sex outside marriage is commonplace too, and I certainly don’t see it as immoral.”

“Good," He feigned a shameful expression, "because I must confess and get it off my chest- I’m afraid to say that I’ve been indulging outside the marriage bed.”

“Me too,” she winked." I forgive you your adultery if you will forgive me mine."

A grin suffused over his face, "Deal."

Changing the subject, she stroked her hand appreciatively up and down his thigh, “And what about you, Erwin? Shall I see you become commander before I die?”

“Commander Shadis continues to lead us and is physically fit and well. He sends his apologies.” He failed to mention that the man’s mental health seemed to be ever-failing.

“Kill him then,” she said off-handedly without blinking, and Erwin knew it was no jest. “Kill him and usurp the position. His old-fashioned ideas will only get more of your soldiers killed without any real progress being made.” Both her bejewelled hands were poised neatly on the top of her walking stick, as she spoke with all the breeding that had been schooled into her over a lifetime.

Erwin was pleased to see that her recent illness hadn’t dulled her sharp mind, and she yet retained a distinguished refinement and dignity that age hadn’t stripped from her. He smiled at her mercurial ruthlessness and wondered not for the first time whether the rumours of the suspicious circumstances surrounding her previous husbands’ deaths had any truth to them.

“I will have my chance to revitalise the corps, don’t worry.” He felt her shiver slightly against him, and stood up to offer his hand, “Shall we go in?” She allowed herself to be helped up, and Erwin felt her arm slip into his again. “I must ask your advice on something later.”

“Oh, I am curious.” She watched her feet as she walked gingerly along the dark path. “Would you like a private audience?”

Erwin inclined his head in mock-politeness, “I think that might be appropriate. It’s not a conversation fit for a cultivated, high-society ball.”

She scoffed at him and gave a slight shake of her head, “And you think high society is so cultured?”

“I know for a fact they are not, my lady. Case in point,” he gave her hand a gentle, playful squeeze. “I would, however, like to ask some frank questions of someone of experience.”

“And will your young security guard be joining us?” She intimated hopefully as she spoke.

Erwin laughed at that, “No, my lady. I feel quite safe in your company.”

Clearly disappointed, she gave an actual pout, “That’s not what I meant, Erwin and you know it. Though really you are right to not trust me wholly. I could still eat you alive if I wanted.” She snapped her teeth playfully at him- as far as he was aware they were still all her own.

Smirking, he leaned in to whisper in her ear, “I feel you are even more capable than any titan of _that_ , I assure you.”

She shivered in delight at his breath tickling her face and giggled, “I assume your young protégé has picked up some experience from you? Does he not entertain as well?”

“Categorically not,”

“Hmmm,” she gave Erwin an amused little smile. “Not for sharing? Now that I know you like men as well as I do, perhaps we could all have some fun together?”

“No, I don’t think he would like that. And as for your other question, he would be rather uninterested in what the other ladies have to offer him.”

Her eyes darted across and down to Erwin’s crotch, “I imagine you are more than capable of fulfilling _all_ his needs.”

“He has never displayed any dissatisfaction, no.”

She feigned a dramatic sigh, slowing her pace slightly to give them more time alone outside, “Perhaps it is for the best that he remains uncorrupted by my wicked ways. I have already led too many good young men down the immoral path to perdition. Sometimes I feel guilt for way warding you.”

“You needn’t. With the choices I have made in life, I’m going to hell anyway, if there is such a thing, so you needn’t feel guilty about me. Besides, for all Levi’s abilities in the fight, he is an innocent in the bedroom and I’m not sure he could take being handled by you.” His tone was overly protective and it was quickly picked up on by his companion.

The duchess looked at him as if her heart were melting, “He means a lot to you, doesn’t he? The Erwin I thought I knew wouldn’t have patience for such inexperience.”

“He has made me a better man,” he confessed. “It’s more than just sex.”

“I’m glad. You deserve some happiness.”

“No,” Erwin corrected her. “I don’t.”

~~~~

Levi breathed in a small sigh of relief when Erwin was readmitted to the hall with their elderly hostess on his arm. When Erwin was out of sight at these gatherings, he always felt oddly nervous and rather paranoid that something would happen to the man. With a kiss to her hand they parted ways for a while, the woman choosing to sit down and have some wine.

 _She needs the rest now_ , Levi thought. _She’s getting none the rest of the night._

Having spent the last half an hour trying his best to scare off anyone who came near, he was glad to have Erwin back in the room. An announcement was made as another late guest arrived; the big entrance door had opened to admit a tall, thin, sallow-skinned man, tailed by two clerics who hovered behind him. He made no deference to the crowd, nor displayed awe at anyone’s splendour, but instead had a rather mocking expression as he took in the gawdy scene before him. Clearly he did not approve of ostentatious displays of wealth. In his rather dull, dark brown ecclesiastic robes, he stood out against the gleaming outfits of the majority of the crowd. He marched with purpose through the throngs of people, forcing them to move out of his way and halt their conversations. When he had gotten through to the other side of the hall, he turned back, his glance encompassing the room and after a moment of consideration, the man smirked, clearly enjoying toying with others’ insensibilities. A bit like himself, really, Levi mused.

“He’s the Patriarch,” Erwin whispered in his ear, having reappeared at his side with two glasses of wine. He handed one to Levi. “Second cousin to the duchess and leader of the Wallists.”

Arco had approached the Patriarch, behaving overly deferential and laughing loudly at everything the man said. After a few minutes, the tubby lord stalked their direction after finishing his sycophantic praise of the deeds of the church and then exhorting his non-existent piety to the Patriarch.

“What are you two fish wives gossiping about?” Arco glowered at the duo, taking a salacious bite out of a soft peach he had grabbed on the way. The juices flowed disgustingly down his piggy chins.

With an amused smile, Erwin stood tall and set himself to look as powerful as physically possible, “How the love of the saints flows from your heart, my lord.” He held up his glass as if to toast his own words.

“Yes,” beside him, Levi gave the fakest of bows. “Truly, I feel it gushing forth like a mighty river.”

Arco’s expression darkened further and he moved close enough that his breath was palpable against Erwin’s ear, “I know you ordered your little thief here to retrieve your pathetic little watch from me.”

Beside him, Erwin could hear Levi scoff. He kept his voice even, “I did no such thing” At last Erwin felt he could say something honest to the man. “Besides, as I already told you, it was a worthless trinket bought at a peasant market. It wasn’t befitting a man of your rank to wear such a cheap, tawdry thing.” This was also true.

“Where _is_ your wife, Arco?” Levi snapped at him, annoyed at his proximity to Erwin’s person. “Were you too afraid to bring her to court this time in case Erwin here eats her like that ripe peach?” He clacked his teeth together, taking an imaginary chomp out of the air and smirking.

Arco roared and lunged at him, using a fighting technique that Levi had rarely ever seen a man use; one of flailing arms, a windmill of limbs aimed his way. He dodged with ease, having no real intention to engage in an actual fight with someone so incapable of causing him physical harm in hand-to-hand combat. The man tripped over his own feet and fell against a group of women, causing them to spill their wine over their expensive dresses and yell at him in fury. Their husbands came rushing over, and Erwin-trying not to laugh at Levi's antics lest it embolden him-ushered Levi away, not wanting to get involved in such a scene.

Without realising it, they found themselves suddenly standing in proximity to the Patriarch, who looked them both up and down with contempt and took a step back.

“Patriarch,” Erwin nodded.

The man nodded back, but stayed silent.

“This is Captain Levi.” Erwin put a hand on Levi’s shoulder. “Captain, this gentleman is the leader of the church.”

Levi gave his own silent nod.

Lip curling in a mockery of a smile, the Patriarch asked, “How are you enjoying military life, _Captain_ _Levi_?”

“It suits me well enough. I like things to be orderly. And I like killing titans.”

“You have felt their blood on your skin?” The question was asked with a level of fascination that Levi had not been expecting.

“Levi has felled over a hundred and fifty. Solo.” Erwin’s voice was mostly flat as he answered for him, but there was a note of pride that the blonde clearly found impossible to conceal.

Not taking his eyes off Levi, the Patriarch pointed at the stone statues of saints dotted around the cavernous room, “Did you know that blood is the mark of the saints? The sainted display the stigmata of the virtuous; bleeding streaks across the face. In our faith, blood is the symbol of the pious.”

Swirling his red wine in its glass, Levi hummed, “By that definition perhaps all women are saints with their monthly blood?”

“Amusingly heretical,” The Patriarch remarked, looking not one bit amused.

Downing his wine in one, Levi set his empty glass into the outstretched hand of one particularly ugly statue beside him, so it now looked as if it were holding it. “Not that you would know anything about the workings of women, though. I’ve always said- haven’t I, Erwin-that priests are like Christmas trees,” Levi commented in his most deadpan tone, picking up a new glass from a tray as a server passed by. “The baubles are purely for decoration.”

Erwin choked, his wine threatening to erupt from his nose as he held in the laugh trying to get out. At times he couldn’t help but wonder whether bringing Levi to such events and letting him mouth off to all and sundry was really one of his better ideas, but truly it entertained him so much that he wasn’t going to censure him, at least not in front of everyone. Later perhaps he would ask him to censor such remarks as the one he made to Arco; Erwin didn’t want word getting to the men of the court what he got up to with their wives while they slept off their wine.

Face red in outrage, the Patriarch opened his mouth to speak when another fanfare sounded, announcing for them to take their seats to eat. Once again steering Levi away from yet another argument, Erwin found their place along one of the long trestle tables set at a right angle to the dais at the top where the duchess would sit surrounded by sycophantic attendants who clamoured to get near her and assist her every need. Beside her sat an empty seat, no husband able to occupy it.

“You were right, Erwin. These parties _are_ fun.” Levi flashed his teeth.

Sitting down and moving the napkin out of the way of where the plate would be, Erwin made himself comfortable, “Please try to not alienate us from everyone within the Walls by the end of the night. I need at least some of these people as allies.”

“Fine.” Levi sat to his right. “Including the Patriarch?”

“Not exactly, but I need him to not be my outright enemy. He, as well as the church, are not supporters of the Survey Corps.”

“No shit.” Arranging his own napkin, Levi took in the array of cutlery in front of him, straightening it out. “I get it, he doesn’t want us to rock the status quo. Imagine if he saw your freaky book- he’d probably have a heart attack.” Levi grimaced, “I fucking hate fanatics; with their obsessive zeal and inability to criticise their own enthusiasm.”

Lifting a bread roll, Erwin nodded, “Yes. Even though they have never outright declared it, I believe that the church see us as not just wrong, but as the actual enemy. That individuals have certain beliefs I can live with, but what the Patriarch stands for is a politicised version of faith which frustrates me, as their actions amount to a crime against humanity in my opinion.”

Their conversation ended once other people began to take their own seats around them. Levi sat stiffly and silently for most of the meal, not really enjoying feeling surrounded by pompous assholes, who were so dull that Levi genuinely felt like he was being slowly poisoned by their conversation. At least Erwin was there, and after a while he relaxed enough to rest back against the chair instead of sitting bolt upright. The food was good, at least. And plentiful. Indeed, the main course when it arrived was such a spectacle that it had its own solemn ceremony to herald its arrival. A bunch of fancy men in feathered hats paraded the huge, roasted animal out on a platter held at shoulder height, singing it its very own carol. It was a monstrous wild boar head, its tusks gilded with real gold and plums sown into where its eyes had been in life. There was raucous cheering once a carving knife was plunged into it by the master of ceremonies, and the meat was slowly dished out as the animal was cut apart.

The extravagance displayed turned Levi’s stomach sour and his appetite deserted him. He looked around at all the largesse on the table, more than everyone in this room could possibly hope to eat; yet they were only picking at the choicest morsels. As the server came round, Erwin implored him to take some; it would send offence if he didn’t. He chose a strange-looking piece of meat that had been as yet ignored. Whatever bit of the animal this was, was chewy, hairy and gristly, and proved difficult to cut with his knife. It crunched nastily between his teeth.

“I’m surprised you went for that bit,” Erwin chimed, helping himself to a nicer-looking slice of meat. “The texture of ear can be challenging your first time.”

Grimacing, Levi set his fork down and pushed the plate away from himself.

“You may be good at schooling your expression during cards, but your face then was priceless.” One of Erwin’s legs briefly settled against his own as he teased him.

“What’s the fucking point of all this?” Levi hissed, gesturing at the room.

“To make friends, Levi.” His face a mask, Erwin gave one of his fake smiles.

“Real friends? Or your kind of friends?”

The blonde’s tone dropped an octave and he spoke quietly so only Levi could hear him, “I make my real friends on the battlefield. Once beyond the Walls, no one can hide their true colours for long.” He looked at his younger comrade, “Do you understand?”

Levi nodded, “I trust your judgement.”

~~~

After dinner, they parted ways for a while. It looked as if Levi were heading outside into the gardens for some fresh air, and Erwin decided to try and get some time with the duchess. People were dancing now, and he was sad to realise that she was no longer able to take part in the long courtly dances she had loved all her life, some of which could be twenty minutes long. Instead of partnering anyone else, he sat with her and they spoke about the new publishing house she had set up. Erwin had been intrigued when she had written to him about it, and he was keen to find out exactly what she planned on publishing. If he ever needed propaganda printed himself, it might be handy to have a connection who owned a press.

When the dancing ceased for the night, the duchess gave her master of ceremonies an order to set up the tables in the cards room. A few moments later, Levi reappeared from outside and stalked across the hall before disappearing yet again into another room. When he didn’t emerge and instead other men also began to file into the room, Erwin frowned.

“What is my captain doing?” He muttered to himself.

A man standing behind the duchess whispered something in her ear, and she turned to look at Erwin, “I believe he has retired with some of the gentleman to the cards room, and even now is relieving Von Meyer of some of his fortune.”

“If you would excuse me,” he stood and gave her a tight smile, turning to walk swiftly across the hall. “Leee-viii.” He growled under his breath.

Erwin pushed through the crowd surrounding the table he suspected his captain was at. A large group of men were encircling it, staring at the two seated together at a small table in the centre as they discussed the rules of the game they would be playing. It was too late to put a stop it.

“My rules first?” Von Meyer took off his hat and set it under his chair.

“Then I deal first.” Levi insisted, picking up the new pack of cards left on the table by the servers.

“Certainly, then next round we can exchange roles.” Von Meyer pondered for a moment, “Broken flushes and royals. Eights are wild. Queens cripple aces.“

“Interesting choice.” Genuine amusement was plain on Levi’s normally expressionless face.

Was it? Erwin wasn’t sure whether it was now only he who didn’t understand how to actually win the game, or whether it was only these two men out of everyone in the whole room who comprehended what was going on.

“Real world deck or round world deck?”

Von Meyer considered this for a moment. “Real world.” His small, calculating eyes assessing Levi and his ability to keep up.

Face resuming its usual deadpan look, Levi silently shuffled the deck and dealt; all the while von Meyer watched him, looking almost over-relaxed. Each round was lightning fast. Levi got what Erwin recognised as a crippling hand and then rapidly assembled a winning grouping, outplaying Von Meyer who laid down his own only half a second later. Neither had a particular good winning group, which surprised Erwin as he had assumed from both men’s behaviour that they both had received a rather good hand that game. Focussing hard on Von Meyer’s and Levi’s micro-expressions, he made an effort to look for any of the incredibly subtle body-language that indicated what either man was thinking.

Nodding and looking impressed, von Meyer waved away the deck when it was handed to him, “I’ll be generous. Dealer’s choice.” 

“Running flushes and royals only this time. Eights are nulls. The lady can devalue one ace.” Levi said as he fired the cards out between them. “Round World Deck”

As he inspected his cards, Von Meyer raised an eyebrow at Levi, “Interesting. Is that an Underground adaptation?” The man was chancing his arm, trying to learn more about the ex-criminal sitting opposite him.

But Levi wasn’t giving anything away, “Just my own personal one.” Much to Erwin’s frustration, they placed bets with coins of actual worth. Not of course of any real worth to the lawyer, but to Levi it represented at least a month’s salary.

The next game von Meyer took the deck, “Let’s play the same, except the Queen of hearts can shift eight.” 

Looking interested at the added rule, Levi gave a smirk, “Hmmmm. Is that a Mitras Adaptation?”

“No, a Wall Maria blacksmith’s one.” The solicitor gave an odd smile and leaned forward. Everyone else in the room except Levi leaned in to listen. Von Meyer was notoriously closed booked about his past, but Erwin suspected he felt an affinity with this scoundrel from the Underground. “My father was a blacksmith,” he clarified. “A poor one, and drunk most of the time. He made most of his pittance playing cards instead of hammering metal like he was supposed to. This was one of his favourite modifications.”

Levi raised an eyebrow at the well-dressed man opposite him, whose accent and appearance betrayed little of his past. “Well, you’ve done well for yourself haven’t you? From blacksmith’s son in Maria territory to one of the richest men in all the Walls.”

“I could say the same about you, humanity’s greatest hope.”

The next few games were a confusing flurry of cards and bets. Erwin had the feeling that both men were purposefully making losing plays to observe each other’s reactions. At one point they gave each other mirroring smirks. Sneaky bastards.

The men around the table whispered to each other, arguing as they tried to recall the different rules and points of play. By now, the game had grown so very complicated that the only people who seemed to be able to keep up with the convoluted rules were the two men playing. At one point, Erwin wondered if even this was a bluff, not entirely certain whether either man at the table really comprehended the unfathomable depths of where their game had ended up. Despite that, it was oddly thrilling to watch Levi and his mastery over the cards.

It was with some relief to Erwin that in the end it was Levi who won the final hand with an odd assortment of cards, which Erwin believed to be either a broken flush or a broken house of twos; he wasn’t sure. Both men shook hands, each looking smugly at the other and feigning humility.

“Congratulations to the Survey Corps. I have already been searching for the two finest destriers within the Walls,” Von Meyer reassured Levi. “I will send them directly to your HQ when they are ready for you.” He extended out a hand in humility to Erwin as well. “It appears I have been bested, Squad Leader, but consider myself the richer for it.” Erwin put out his own hand to receive the congratulations on his subordinate’s win, and as he made contact he felt a sting on his palm as the corner of a tiny, concealed note was pressed into it. 

Heart thudding, he smiled and secreted the small note in an inner pocket while pretending to scratch an itch.

Alone later, he would take out the small piece of paper and with each tiny word he read, the world reeled.

 _‘There is someone on the inside passing on information about you. They suspect you are number four. Take better care with your secrets. Burn this._ ’

~~~~~

Slamming the door to their assigned rooms during their stay behind him, Erwin stared Levi down and thundered angrily, “Did I give you permission to play?”

Non-plussed, Levi shrugged and dropped the now-heavy bag of coins on a table, “I repeatedly asked, and you never gave a direct no. I haven’t disobeyed an order.” Levi pointed out. “I assumed you didn’t want to actively give the go ahead, and instead hoped I would take my own initiative.”

As much as he hated to admit it, Levi was right. “And? What do you think of him?”

“You need him on our side. I don’t think he would ever be a loyal friend, but I certainly wouldn’t want him as an enemy. I think I’m in a reasonable position to guess what he might do under certain circumstances. He doesn’t believe in luck, for one. He’s willing to cheat and I think he would be willing to disregard his principles for the right price.” Levi looked at him pointedly, “You want my advice? You talk about making friends- start with him.”

Sighing, Erwin ran a hand through his hair and looked up as a clock chimed midnight. The party was almost over, but his night was only beginning. He checked himself in the mirror, catching Levi grinning at him from where he sat in a plush armchair with one leg crossed horizontally over the other. He had fished a romance novel out of his bag and looked set to enjoy it in peace.

Erwin walked over, and bending down placed both hands on the arms of the chair, “Be good,” he ordered, and gave Levi a gentle kiss.

As he turned to walk away, he jumped as Levi gave his ass a smack, “Try not to break both her hips with the first thrust,”

“Fuck you, Levi.” He stuck his middle finger up over one shoulder as he stalked away.

“Sorry darling, I didn’t quite catch that.” Levi called after him, but Erwin had already closed the door and was striding away, a little spring in his step.

It wasn’t far to the duchess’s room. Alone, he waited inside, knowing that she would eventually appear after dismissing her attendants for the night. One maid usually waited directly outside in case she needed anything in the night. It was too suspicious to send everyone away completely, but the duchess usually chose someone loyal to her, who wouldn’t go around gossiping to the others that her mistress had a young man in her room.

Excited, he paced a bit and fed the fire, knowing he would probably be spending the night undressed. Eventually she arrived, looking excited herself. She wasted no time, but walked over to a large chest and pulled out a length of satin.

“Undress. Then get on your knees,” she ordered him without preamble as soon as the door was closed and locked from the inside. Heart racing, he did as he was bid. Talented with knots, she restrained him with the soft fabric and he soon found his arms behind his back unable to budge a single inch.

“You wanted to talk?” She asked, pouring herself some water and leaving him to languish on the floor.

“I need advice about this sort of thing.” He shifted, moving so his knees were now cushioned by a thick rug. “I was trying it with someone and it didn’t go according to plan.”

“With your boy?”

“My partner,” Erwin clarified, and the duchess’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at his correction.

“They are one and the same?”

Erwin nodded.

“Who was in charge?”

He swallowed, “Me.”

Sighing, she shook her head at him, “Must you always be in charge?”

“No, as I am proving tonight I am capable of giving over control.”

She gave a little laugh and came to stand before him, “Rather begrudgingly I always feel, Erwin. I always need to meet out some discipline before you start behaving yourself as you should.”

“I do prefer to be the one directing proceedings, as I’m sure you appreciate yourself.”

Running a hand through his hair, she gave a gentle tug and his head was pulled back so his eyes met hers, “Submitting can give one a sense of freedom from making choices. The exigent demands of your role takes its toll on your health. You spend your life making burdensome decisions; here with me, you can be free.”

“I _am_ free,” he insisted.

The gentle combing resumed, “Ah, if only you were as free as you thought you were, Erwin.”

Confused, he gave her a sideways glance, “I have free will.”

“Yes,” she loomed over him, “and it _enslaves_ you. That’s why you come to me, to have your burdens relieved, if only for one night. So,” she returned to the chest at the foot of her bed and began to look through it again, “what went wrong? I presume something did.”

He watched as she pulled out the object Levi had earlier referred to as her ‘sex cane’. Knowing she would be disappointed in him, he gulped, “It was his first time doing anything non-conventional in bed. He was tied up,” Erwin began, “we were acting out non-consensual sex and I forgot to use safe words. I noticed too late that he was panicking and it all spiralled out of control. To him I think it all felt very real and several hours later he became very frightened and disorientated.” Erwin’s chest clenched at the memory of Levi's dream and subsequent behaviour. "It was very distressing," he admitted.

In fact, he had been so very troubled by it that he had been afraid to initiate sex since. When he had finally plucked up the courage to try in the carriage, it had gone wrong, but he wasn't entirely sure why. Nor did he know how to fix it. 

“Oh Erwin,” Giving him a disappointed look, she put the tip of the cane under his chin and forced him to look up at her once more. “Have I taught you nothing?”

Erwin swallowed hard as he stared up at her prim face. Despite her new brittleness and frailty, she yet had a majesty and power about her that would have held him on his knees without the restraints. “I got-,“ he tried to think, “-overexcited.”

Sighing, the duchess brought out another thin whippet that she liked to use and inspected it for cracks, testing its give and giving it an audible little flick. “If you want the responsibility of taking control over someone, first you must exercise total self-mastery. It is a cardinal error of the young to demand power and forget their responsibility to their lover’s well-being; they are all too desperate for the climax of the act to savour the real joys unfolding _delectably_ _slowly_ in front of them.” Her face was hard when she looked at him, and he dropped his head, unable to look her in the eye. “I will give you a thorough demonstration of how a professional takes and maintains control of the one submitting throughout proceedings, then next time you are with your partner, you will do everything correctly. To hand over one’s control and be at another’s mercy requires complete trust; during such play he deserves nothing less than for you to exercise discipline over yourself. Now,” she flexed her cane, putting the tip back under his chin and tilting his eyes up to meet her menacing gaze, “tell me exactly how Erwin Smith likes to fuck the great Captain Levi.”

~~~~


	26. Alte soll man ehren, Junge soll man lehren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was meant to be only the start of a chapter, but it became so very long that I've decided it ought to stand alone. I hope you enjoy it!

With one of Erwin’s ridiculous romance novels open on his lap and a decanter of rather expensive whiskey sitting next to him, Levi was ensconced happily in the quiet bedroom that had been assigned him for the duration of the stay. It seemed that Erwin had been given another full suite of rooms all to himself, as none of his belongings had made it to _this_ sumptuously decorated bed chamber.

His bed itself was inlaid with fanciful carvings, colourful trim, and luxurious, heavy fabric curtains to enclose the bed on all four sides when desired, along with a fabric canopy. With its spring-loaded mattress generously stuffed with down and filled with aromatic leaves, Levi was pretty certain he would have been in for a comfortable night if he hadn’t been alone in the unfamiliar environment. As it was the case, he decided he would stay in the chair.

Amusingly, the bed had graffiti carved on the posts from those lucky enough to have slept in it with other people whose company they had apparently greatly enjoyed. Having bounced on the bed experimentally, Levi was pleased to note that it didn’t squeak the way Erwin’s did at home, and the springs gave an interesting support and stability to the mattress that even the most tightly wound support ropes could not. He planned to take full advantage of the fact in the days to come, desirous of adding their own names to those inlaid on the posts, if Erwin could still manage to get it up after his forays with the duchess, of course.

He was feeling strangely horny after watching his suave, circumlocutory politesse of a master conman work the floor, and would have enjoyed company that night more than he was willing to admit.

He had almost had his chance- after their card game, Von Meyer had asked whether he wanted to share a bed that night, and Levi had given him a scandalised look before being assured that it was merely polite etiquette between new acquaintances in higher society.

“It was strange to me too, when I entered this inner circle of society,” the lawyer admitted as he gestured to a butler for a refill of the port he had been drinking. “But it gives one somewhere private to discuss business away from prying eyes.”

Sharing a bed with a man who was essentially a complete stranger sounded like the most ludicrous suggestion of the century and Levi grunted a, ”Thanks, but no thanks,” before stalking off to regain his composure, pulling at the lapels of his jacket and unnecessarily smoothing out the uncreased front of his dress coat. He was sure the lawyer had noticed how ruffled the offer had made him, and hoped the savvy man wouldn’t jump to any conclusions.

~~~~

In a different part of the house on an even bigger bed, Erwin lay with his eyes closed as he was fed juicy pieces of apple, still rather zoned out from the world and all its cares

“Mmmmm.” Licking his lips, he stretched out the limbs that had been restrained in multiple different ways over the last couple of hours.

He couldn’t wait to get in front of a mirror and get to see what marks Sibylle had inflicted on him when he had been particularly badly behaved. Swimming in his post-coital bliss, he smiled when he heard his partner giggling at his state of easy release.

“Feeling more relaxed?” Teasing his lips with another slice of fruit, she giggled as he sucked it out of her fingers and into his hot mouth. “I know you like the red ones best,”

“You always know just what I need.”

“I do,” she agreed. Sprawled half-on him, he ran a hand gently up her flank as she sighed. “It’s nice to be doing something other than recovering in a bed. Being ill is so very dull.”

Mindful to be careful with her, Erwin pulled her fully on top on him and let her head rest under his chin, using his foot to pull up one of the softer blankets to cover them both.

“Erwin,” she chastised. “I’m not going to die if I’m not wrapped up at all times. I have an army of nurses, I don’t need _you_ to join their ranks.”

“Levi too once said I can be over-bearing.”

“It’s hard not to be with a partner sometimes.”

He shrugged, “Perhaps I can be a bit over-protective, but he’s been through a lot and I want to take care of him where I can. He takes such care of me.”

“Does he?” She traced the scar on his neck that Levi’s blade had left; she knew every inch of him, and could tell _this_ was new. “Tell me about your paramour.”

Unsure what exactly she was asking, he tried to recall all the things Levi did to make his life easier, “Well, he always keeps our things tidy and well-stocked. He never lets me wake up to a cold room, and you wouldn’t believe how good he is at laundry. And he’s an amazing soldier.”

She huffed out a laugh at him, “That tells me that he expresses his love through his actions, but what is _he_ like?”

Pausing to try and describe his lover in a good a light as possible, Erwin had a few false starts as he tried to think of a better word than ‘grumpy’. “Well, when we are alone, he is a different man to when we are in company. Unfortunately, I’m not sure you’ll see the side of him that I do,”

Sibylle nodded against him, “It’s alright to reserve your best for your partner. Not all of us have the energy to be everything to everyone. I know you are different too when in private.” She placed a hand on her own bosom and fluttered her eyelashes, “I am always my fabulous self, of course. But that confidence has come with age and not giving a fuck anymore.”

“It’s also a preserve of the extra-ordinarily wealthy,” he commented wryly.

“Maybe.”

Rolling a strand of her hair around one finger, Erwin contemplated his thug lover, “Normally, he comes across as cold; he doesn’t smile much and isn’t especially talkative. When he does speak, he uses the dialect of the Underground which can come across as impolite. And then of course there’s all the swearing.” Erwin cursed himself at the terrible picture he was painting. “But when you see him with a dying soldier or when he is alone with me, he shows his true feelings. Honestly, I think he feels comradeship and loyalty more strongly than anyone I’ve ever known, but he struggles to express it except in extremis.”

“Is he afraid to get close to people?”

He shook his head, “No, I don’t think so. He just wasn’t raised to demonstrate affection openly. Perhaps such aloof behaviour kept him safe Underground and prevented him being taken advantage of- being too open with your feelings down there can end messily.”

“So, you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with him?”

Nodding gently, Erwin considered how only a year ago the idea would have seemed ludicrous, “Emotionally, yes.”

“If I had known that Erwin, I might have kept this entirely platonic.” When Erwin merely grunted and shrugged, she continued, “So how does he feel about this-?” She gestured between them. “Or does he not know?”

“He knows and accepts that I’m committed to sex with other people as well. He says he sees it as just business and I believe him.” Sometimes, Erwin himself couldn’t quite believe the gold he had struck with this particular man.

Hand resting on his pubic bone and playing with the well-groomed hair there, she asked, “You say he is an innocent in the bedroom? Do you mean in terms of the more interesting varieties of sex?”

“In terms of everything, really,” Erwin smiled, pride surging within him. “He gave me his virginity. In fact, I was his first kiss and had to actually explain how it all worked. He has never been with anyone else.”

A finger on the duchess's other hand circled one of Erwin’s erect nipples, “That was like my second husband. He was such a shy little kitten at first. I trained him well, of course. Does he know what he likes from you?”

“He finds it difficult to talk about such things. He was attacked by a man as a very young child, and has struggled since to seeing himself as a sexual creature who deserves gentleness from men during sex. Though he does respond well to praise, I’ve noticed.”

“Oh, Erwin….” She went silent for a while, softly stroking his forearm and gathering herself. “Well then, why don’t you focus on that then instead of using pain and humiliation the way we do when we play our games? If you do it right, you should be able to get him in the same headspace as if you were inflicting pain or meeting out verbal abuse the way you like me doing.”

“Will that really work?” As hard as he tried, he couldn’t envisage praise alone causing someone to become as submissive as he wanted Levi to be.

He felt her nod enthusiastically against him, “Oh yes. It can be very effective. When someone enjoys that sort of treatment, their submission is about making themselves vulnerable and subjecting themselves to their partner’s judgment. In those moments, his feelings are in your hands and he has to trust you to treat them well. It can help him fall into the role you wish him to be in. When having sex, he will feel it is his job to be pleasing to you, his more dominant partner, and behaviours you want to encourage will earn him recognition for a job well done. Desiring more praise will give him something to work for and earn, giving him a sense of pride in being able to please you.” Her eyebrows waggled playfully, “Reward him with pleasure for being good and watch the magic happen. It might prove even more successful than using physical force, especially if he is stronger than you.”

She could see the uncertainty in his face and continued giving pointers, “Try demanding eye contact, or use gentle force to restrain his head and arms. Walk and move with a bit of a swagger and push him into the positions he enjoys rather than asking his permission first. Be importuning with kisses, and tell him he isn’t allowed to remain quiet. Dictate to him in a commanding tone and stipulate that what he is to do is to happen _now_. After every command followed through well, reward him.”

Musing the suggestion, Erwin stared up into the distance, “He is always eager to please me. Perhaps it’s because he is so much younger than me.”

Scoffing, the duchess laughed, “If he seems young to you, imagine how young he seems to me! Fifty four years younger, Erwin!” She paused to ponder an errant thought, “Does he have daddy issues?”

“Maybe.” He had never considered it before.

Although Erwin missed his own father with indescribable pain, at least _he_ _knew_ that he had been loved by a strong male figure. His personality, sense of humour and feelings had all been validated by his emotionally-present father, and even now Erwin felt very secure in his sense of self.

Although at one point he had felt himself starting to leave the path that the good, honest man had paved for him, Levi had steered him back onto it before he became irretrievably lost into the wilderness of ruthless manipulation that he had begun to wander into. Still, that wilderness was never far from the path they now walked together. It was too easy to stray back into it when it suited him.

Levi, on the other hand, had never known who his father was; and the man who raised him alone was a violent thug who abandoned him to live a life of vagrancy when he was only twelve.

Perhaps Sibylle was right; maybe being flooded with praise during the physically and emotionally unguarded moments of sex would help somewhat with the deep-rooted problems that came with Levi’s worries of being unloveable. He needed to believe that he would never be hungry again, neglected again, left alone again. To believe it when he was told he was loved and that his own body and desires weren’t to be feared.

To a lesser extent, Erwin understood some of these feelings; having been handed around as an unwanted addition to his aunts and uncles for years after his father had died, Erwin had decided early on to make his own way in the world and forge a family for himself. The military had seemed an obvious choice.

“You don’t need to elaborate if you don’t want,” her wavery voice brought him out of his own head. “But what I’m discerning from your silence is that he either never had a strong male role-model at all, or he was raised by a man he could never please; who perhaps never reassured him or gave him the right encouragement. He’s probably looking subconsciously for the nurturing male figure he never had to satisfy the natural emotional cravings all people desire from those in parental roles. Men like that tend to default to feeling unwanted; they then overanalyse people’s behaviour to reinforce those assumptions and look for proof they are right. When one is being praised, one knows they are wanted, and that shuts down that ever-questioning part of their brain down for just a while. He will stop worrying that he is not good enough, not loveable enough, not sexy enough because you are giving big, huge, clear signs that he is appreciated. When having sex, your partner can let go and lean into his instinct to please you and embrace it because he knows it will only have positive outcomes. That’s part of what the affirmation, validation and confirmation represents for some. It allows them motivation to be obedient and cooperative, and they willingly give up their agency in bed. Talk to him about incorporating it into your dynamic and see how he responds.”

A sense of apprehension came over him, “Are you suggesting he is looking for a father-figure in me?”

Sibylle gave him a reassuring look, “Not necessarily. More likely he looks up to you and just seeks to please you. There’s nothing strange about that. Has he ever asked to call you daddy?”

“No. He enjoys it when he has to refer to me as his superior officer in bed though.”

“I do too, _Squad Leader_ ,” the woman crooned. “Though I hope one day I will get to scream ‘ _Commander_!’”

Chortling, he gave a playful tap to her butt, “Is that so? Well, as soon as the happy event occurs, I will ride through the night so that I can indulge you.”

She cackled with laughter, “I do like you Erwin. If he enjoys the dynamic of military subservience as much as I do, then I suspect he will enjoy receiving your adulation. Such a dynamic will let him drop his inhibitions and become dutiful and meek in that moment. Deep down, maybe he just wants to be your good boy.” In a quieter tone, she asked, “The reaction he had to your play- can you describe it?”

Giving a long, deep sigh through his nose, Erwin thought back to that night, “He seemed not to realise he was losing his ability to distinguish between reality and the scenario that we were acting out, but I noticed at that point and stopped. The restraints attaching him to the bed were difficult to get off so I had to leave him alone for a moment to retrieve something to cut them-“

He was interrupted by the duchess, who looked severely unimpressed, “You know what I’m going to say, Erwin,”

“I know. Never leave them alone.” He sighed and brought a hand up to cover his eyes, “He was frightened when I made to leave.”

She sighed, “So you cut them off, and then?”

“I asked him what he needed, and then I held him and we talked. He was spooked by how much he had enjoyed it, and was worried that it was a perversion from being attacked as a child; that somehow it meant that he had in some way enjoyed what had happened to him when he was younger. He told me he felt like he only deserved painful, violent sex after allowing someone to do that to him.”

“Oh no.” Unconsciously she stroked his hair and he tightened his grip around her. “Poor baby. All you have told me puts acting out a rape fantasy into a completely different light, Erwin. You told him that his beliefs weren’t correct, didn’t you?”

“Of course. It never occurred to me that he would think that of himself. I ought to have started with something less intense; it seems so obvious now.”

They were silent for a while, and he could tell she was trying to process the information and give him useful advice, rather than just continue to scold him for his miscalculation.

Eventually she spoke again, “Often people feel dirty and tainted by experiences such as the one your partner has had; they end up distrusting others, and often even themselves and their own desires. The impact of sexual violence like that has such terrible consequences, and even the healing process itself can be stressful and painful. Does he have flashbacks?”

Although the attack had taken place over two decades earlier, and therefore the acute, immediate feelings weren’t constantly at the fore of Levi’s mind, occasionally that became disrupted and he re-experienced those feelings as though the assault was currently taking place. Although he had certainly been violated terribly, Levi’s fear of his body having being mutilated seemed unfounded- Erwin certainly would never have been able to tell anything was amiss just from feeling him.

The intrusive memories which surfaced could occur after even the tiniest of unexpected stimuli, and would leave Levi stuck for hours in a state of nervous hyper-alertness until he fell asleep, his adrenaline fizzling out and leaving him feeling exhausted. It was difficult to pinpoint the triggers, but although Levi seemed to be getting better at recognising his own danger signals which heralded such events, he still struggled to be able to centre himself during them.

Erwin remembered back to the younger man’s admission that parts of himself caused him revulsion, and wondered if this disgust of his own body might be mitigated somewhat by Sibylle’s suggestion of trying excessive praise during sex.

“Yes,” he admitted. “Terrible ones. He becomes very child-like and helpless during them. He freezes up the way he says he did when the attack actually happened.” Holding her close to comfort himself, he brushed his lips against the duchess’s forehead. “In every other walk of life, he defaults to fighting when threatened. Although part of me understands why he didn’t fight back at the time, I’m surprised he didn’t. And with me too he has frozen up twice instead of telling me to stop. I don’t understand why he reacts so differently under that kind of stress, compared to every other.”

Really, it would have been impossible for a child to prevent or really fight back against such an assault, and of course it was much easier as an adult with hindsight for Levi to second-guess how he could have behaved differently. Erwin suspected he also had guilt surrounding his mother- that he had somehow let her down by allowing himself to be attacked and not having made any effort to call out to her.

It had sounded like Levi’s mother was only a very young woman when she had him, and Erwin imagined that she too had likely struggled with her own feelings of guilt and helplessness at the situation. As the blonde stroked the woman in his arms, he imagined that perhaps Levi’s young mother simply hadn’t known what to do. It wasn’t as if there was a police service Underground, nor could she afford or find proper medical care. From what Levi had told him, they had just tried to return to their lives as if nothing had happened; both just trying to block out the incident lest one upset the other. It was possible that his mother had hoped that he would simply forget it had happened, as he had been so very young when it had occurred.

However, this method of avoidance hadn’t worked in the long-term. Erwin had little doubt that Levi’s self-blame and maladaptive attempts to protect himself from male advances had prevented his sexual desires from manifesting themselves properly until he had met someone with whom he had felt safe enough to experience a physical relationship with. In not seeking out a relationship as an adult until he met and grew to trust Erwin, it suggested to the blonde that Levi had deliberately tried to avoid reminders of his rape by staying sexually inactive.

The consequences of his sexual trauma had undoubtedly left him scared, alone and ashamed in the proceeding years; with Levi only able to admit those feelings during very unguarded moments. Erwin felt a strange sense of pride that, during Levi’s earth shattering flashbacks, his arms felt like the only safe place in Levi’s whole world. Still, it felt like such a monumental challenge to convince the younger man that he wasn’t damaged goods, contaminated or defective. 

Regarding him as he lay thinking, the old woman ran a hand down his bicep, “I cannot speak for men, but when we girls are taught at a young age how to avoid unwanted sexual advances, we are told to kick ‘em where it hurts, resist, lock doors and scream. We are told that if we respect ourselves, then of course we will fight back.” She sighed and brought her hand up to stroke Erwin’s neck, “But in reality, who can act rationally under such circumstances? Society tells us that as the victim, we need to act to ensure our safety, not to just enter a freeze response and allow sexual violence to be perpetrated against us. I’ve no doubt your partner feels shame that he did nothing- that he was paralysed by fear-, and it probably undermines his belief in his ability to act under other circumstances. Rape is a devastating crime. I have known too many women who have suffered it, most of them in silence. The majority of them do not fight their attacker back, whether it is a stranger or someone they thought of as a friend or even their own spouse, and they are certainly reluctant to tell anyone as they are often asked what they personally did to incite the attack, or why they didn’t work harder to stop it when it was under way. I’m glad he felt he could tell you.”

Humming in agreement, Erwin exhaled slowly, “Knowing him as well as I do in all other aspects of life, I just find his reactions to things in bed difficult to comprehend at times. Normally he is so in control of himself.” Unable to control it, his face crinkled in distress, "I'm annoyed at myself for almost feeling angry at him; for just lying there and saying nothing. Why didn't he tell me he wanted to stop? Would he really have just lain there and let me do anything to him? It scares me." 

She shook her head at him, “The mind is a strange thing. Humans have such conviction that we are totally in control of our thoughts and actions. But it is a deep, primitive part of us that truly makes decisions on which strategy to use in any given situation, independent of conscious volition. During stress, that part of us can literally take over executive functioning around decision-making, memory, movement and more. Freezing up is an adaptive strategy; think how many animals play dead when stressed. For him, there may always be an underlying level of anxiety when he lies with you, no matter how much he wants to trust you. Playing possum is something one has little control over when one feels physically threatened, and it sounds like in bed it is indeed his default reaction to stress."

Staring up at the canopied ceiling above him, Erwin cringed as his thoughts wandered to how he had tried to orchestrate their relationship at the beginning, and how he hadn’t really considered Levi’s emotional well-being as having any part in it. He thought back to the first time they had cuddled in bed; at how, when it had become overwhelming for Levi, a wall had dropped over his emotions and actions, leaving him almost catatonic beneath him. It was likely as Sibylle described- a protective response, designed to not incite Erwin’s ardour and reduce the chance of injury from the encounter.

It was such a contradiction to how Levi reacted to everything else in life- with a fiery grit and the desire to fight until his last breath- that Erwin had been shocked into stopping and instead switched to cuddling. If someone did struggle during an assault by a real rapist, he supposed, it might increase the passion of the attacker and result in escalation to severe injury or murder. Perhaps lying limply beneath them would ensure the deed was done quicker with minimal other bodily harm.

Remembering some of his own less-than-admirable responses to danger during his own life, Erwin could understand this explanation. In cool-headed states, when a person was feeling calm and rational and not in any danger, it was impossible to imagine what they would to do in situations of high energy and stress.

Unbidden, a memory re-surfaced of how he himself had coped upon meeting his first titan as a teenager- it wasn’t a tale he proud of. He had ridden on and left his Squad Leader to be bitten in two. Since that terrible day, he had endeavoured to develop better strategies to deal with unavoidable head-on collisions with the titans which had certainly helped him cope better. It hadn’t been a reaction he had anticipated at the time, and he certainly had no idea what he would do if faced with the threat of sexual violence, especially if he were a just a child with no knowledge of the act.

The duchess added, “Perhaps your partner still believes that in lying passively during the attack, or not making an attempt to flee, that it was some sort of indication of consent on his part.”

“No, surely not.” Part of Erwin didn’t want to believe that. “Why would he think that?”

“Unfortunately, rational thought rarely comes into our perceptions of ourselves.”

The duchess looked very upset, stroking a hand lightly along Erwin’s chest. He could tell she wanted to do nothing more than sweep Levi up into her arms and hold him, though he himself knew just how very poorly _that_ would go down. Her comment made him remember the vase they had seen at the museum, and how Levi had mentioned that it was difficult to accept imperfections in oneself.

Perhaps this was one of the things Levi struggled with in himself.

“He likely did his very best under the circumstances,” she breathed, clearly struggling with emotion herself. “Continue to give him assurance when he needs it that it is his attacker who should be assigned responsibility for the attack, not him. Heap affection on him and show him that you aren’t disgusted by him or afraid to touch him.”

“I do,” he promised her.

Certain that a tsunami of praise and assurances would turn Levi into a melted puddle of goo, Erwin just had to try and consider exactly what to say to ensure that none of it was condescending. Levi’s need for support during the moments where he lost clarity and experienced his revulsion of himself was in direct conflict with the independence he sought and prided himself on, making him feel embarrassed and worried that he would look weak in his partner’s eyes. Erwin knew that Levi depended to a huge extent on Erwin’s good opinion of him, just as he in turn relied heavily on Levi’s unwavering loyalty to him.

Erwin couldn’t help but felt guilty about the emotional turmoil he himself had experienced following Levi’s terrible disclosure, annoyed that it was wasting emotional energy on himself that could be spent comforting his partner. It seemed especially unfair and upsetting to him that the attack was Levi’s first memory. When he had tried to ask about good memories, Levi had struggled to remember _any_ , seeming to come up short on good times until he saved Farlan from his mutinous gang in his teens.

For some reason, Levi still seemed to have the ongoing belief that his virginity played an important part in Erwin’s attraction to him, and the younger man had clearly felt deficient at coming to Erwin’s bed having already experienced another man’s lust. For this, Erwin _did_ feel a measure of blame. In assuming he would be Levi’s first, he had hoped to develop a degree of control over the feisty criminal, and that may have come across strongly in his demeanour when seducing the younger man. He had certainly mentioned it more than once.

Back-tracking and continuing on with his description of their roleplay, Erwin furrowed his eyebrows as he recalled all the fine details of the night, “Several hours after we were done, he had a vivid nightmare about the man who attacked him. His mind decided to replace that man with me, and he awoke very disorientated and fearful of me. He was restless, then he became unusually clingy and needed held.”

“None of that surprises me,” she said, knowingly. “Everyone reacts differently and some people lose the ability even to use safe words. I have one boy in whom it becomes very obvious that he has completely surrendered, as he stops speaking and becomes very detached. After, he describes feeling as if he has had an out-of-body experience. Many hours later he can be weepy and needy. Then I have an older gentleman who is the complete opposite- he becomes very high energy when he submits and that’s when I know to stop and calm things down. Afterwards he never seems to experience a drop in mood. Both come to me for a good pain session, but if I were to ignore their individual signals and continue after they entered those states, both would be essentially be unable to feel pain due to the rush of hormones flooding their bodies, and also be unable to tell me to stop due to their state of mind and I could end up _actually_ hurting them. You always need to remain vigilant for signs to cease and start aftercare.” She swatted his chest, “And next time, don’t start in such a state of overwhelming arousal. Take care of yourself first and then you won’t have such potent focus on your own body. The pleasure of control is distinct from pleasures of the flesh. Learn to separate the two. Did you discuss hard and soft limits?”

“Not really,” he admitted. “He isn’t experienced enough to know what to ask for, and I was too excited.”

“ _Everything_ must be discussed. Consent is mandatory, not optional. You and I know each other well enough now to automatically begin play without negotiating beforehand, but until you know his responses better, err on the side of caution and double check everything. Choking, slapping, spitting et cetera. Leave nothing to chance. If you aren’t sure, don’t do it, otherwise afterwards he will feel that his body and trust have been violated by you. Rape fantasies in particular can be quite the head-fuck during and afterwards, and you also must consider the possibility that he won’t be able to safeword from a place of shock if he gets too deep.” Reaching for another slice of apple, she ran the piece of fruit across Erwin’s lips, “Make sure that he is in a good place to begin with. Ensure he is well-fed, well-rested and in high spirits. Then after have something sweet nearby and convince him to eat it.”

Grasping the chunk of fresh apple with his teeth and chewing, he looked over at the bowl of fruit she had in preparation for his visit to her bed. After breaking him down, she enjoyed feeding him, and he had to admit it was enjoyable to be pampered.

“Have you considered allowing him to try his hand at taking charge of you?” She suggested.

Shoulders going stiff at the suggestion, Erwin gave a half-hearted shrug, “I like it when he pushes me around somewhat, but as the older, more experienced and bigger man, not to mention his superior officer, I feel reluctant to let him take full control.”

“So you automatically assume that all puts you in charge behind the bedroom door?” She queried. “When I had bigger, older, powerful men come to me in my youth, subjugating them was only a bigger thrill.”

Suddenly feeling rather silly about his inability to give up any control to his hot, young lover, Erwin tried desperately to think up excuses, “I think he is naturally more submissive, and his introversion and my being his superior officer reinforces that.”

“Why don’t you just try it and see how it plays out?”

“It’s not as easy as that,” he said defensively. “I always tell him I don’t want him to submit to anything he doesn’t want just to please me. If I exempt myself from that rule, how will that look to him? I think he is nervous about it too; he sees anal sex as dirty, and worries about being able to please me.”

Patting his now-soft crotch, the experienced woman reassured him, “Many men experience performance anxiety. On top of that, I’m sure he feels the burden of homophobia in the military and society in general. If you have also said aloud that you dislike being the receptive partner, then that is added stress for him as he is yet inexperienced at giving you pleasure that way, and always will be if you don’t let him try.”

He squirmed, feeling unusually embarrassed at where the conversation had led, “Yes, but he has also a real fear of sex being messy, and me finding it distasteful and not wanting it with him anymore. His wariness of disease and dirt stems from his childhood, and it is difficult to undo a lifetime of fear. I’m not sure how well he would cope if I wasn’t clean down there.”

She gave him a questioning look, “Does he clear out the stables? Or clean the bathrooms as part of his duties?”

“Yes, willingly in fact.”

“So he doesn’t mind horse manure or dirty toilets?”

“Well, I don’t think he would actually touch faeces with his bare hands. He wears this cute little outfit-” In fact it was so very cute that it took all of Erwin’s considerable self-control to not bend him over and fuck him in it every time Levi minced around with his feather duster. He lost himself in thought, grinning up at the ceiling at the mental image.

She mustn’t have seen his ridiculous grin, as she continued on the conversation without mentioning it, “His fear doesn’t surprise me, Erwin. We are taught from a young age to ritualize defecation- it is a private experience, not a public one- to keep excretion out of view, separated from life. We are instinctively shit-phobic, and we are made this way purposefully: we avoid foul-smelling things because bad smells in nature usually indicate that something is unsafe for us to eat. So as sexually-active gay men, you both have to untangle the biological impulse to fear faeces, overcome a lifetime of anti-gay myths and jokes, discern real sex from how one imagines it should be and avoid comparing it all to heteronormative sex- all while learning to do something hard without any instruction. I know myself that anal sex can be difficult to accustom one’s body to. This task is so overwhelming that many just give up.”

Trying not to sound too smug, Erwin pursed his lips, “I’m rather good at preparing and performing anal sex with a partner, if I say so myself. But you’re right; in our society, heterosexual sex is presented as “normal,” “clean,” and “beautiful.” In straight love scenes in novels and plays, the music swells, the candles flicker…..” He sighed, “Gay sex, in contrast, is talked about as ugly and filthy; as dirty, repulsive and unnatural. However, now that I’ve met Levi, I’ve now lived long enough to experience beautiful gay sex with a man I love. Fearsome, candle-lit, animalistic, heart-swellingly passionate gay sex. My sex with Levi is cleaner and more romantic than with any other partner I’ve ever had, male or female.” His large eyebrows furrowed in consternation and shame, “But I still sometimes remember the jokes, the locker room talk from people I see as my friends and mentors about men like me and their hedonistic perversions, and I feel ashamed of what I want. Part of me knows it would be easier to only want women.”

She hummed gently, “I can understand that.”

She was so very understanding about all of it. For a moment, Erwin wondered how this night would have gone if his experienced partner hadn’t been so very accepting of this side of him; the perverted side that enjoyed sex with other men. She was the most liberal person he knew, and the oldest. It was almost like getting parental approval; her acceptance meant a great deal to him.

He pressed on, daring her to disagree, “Some would say that it’s a mental defect; that what Levi and I both need is to go to prison or be lobotomised. Or both.”

Once again, the duchess came through on his side, “I think men like you are born wanting other men- it doesn’t mean you are defective, or that it was due to some fault in the way your parents raised you. As I said to you before, wanting sex is natural, and in my opinion your desires are no stranger than someone with a foot fetish or some other of the really strange stuff people ask me to do with them.” She gave him a cheeky wink, “I’m not sure even _you_ would believe what some men want for their sexual pleasure. Truly, compared to some of them, _you,_ my dear, are an innocent.”

“You said I struggle to give over control,” he continued, on a roll now and feeling more confident voicing his fears aloud. “There was a book I read recently about sex, and in it something rang true. It described men who felt ashamed at their own desires to sleep with other men, and I think maybe that’s where part of my fear of giving over control to someone else stems from. I always want to be the one on top, as it feels like the more natural place for a man to be; if I stay on top then I retain power and masculinity, and don’t need to feel ashamed. But with Levi, I know he wouldn’t see me as less of a man for choosing to let him be on top.”

Still sounding serious, but also trying to hold back a yawn, Sibylle brought a conciliatory hand up to touch his face, “There is a lot to unravel there, Erwin, but in summary there is a lifetime of shame holding you back from what you want, and you are burdened with creating a happy sex life from that shame. You have mistaken your position in bed as being a central tenant of your identity. And as for your partner worrying about being able to perform and then ‘complete’ sex, well-” she spread her hands out questioningly, “-when does sex start and then end, Erwin? Does it only start at penetration? Or does it begin earlier in the day when you first give him come hither eyes? Is it when you first touch each other? Or kiss before tumbling into bed? Perhaps it is when you are finally both naked? I would argue that when you and I have sex that the act starts days before, in the run up of excitement before we meet.”

His eyes widened as he contemplated her point, “I’ve never really thought about it. For me it’s at arousal, which I suppose could come many hours or days before actually being in bed with someone. And sex with another man can be as simple as watching each other masturbate rather than full penetrative sex.”

He thought back to his and Levi’s roleplay, and how for him, his arousal started when Levi first admitted the fantasy. Then when they actually set aside time for it, he had purposefully avoided masturbation for a week beforehand, thinking it would further increase their enjoyment. He had been crazily horny, unable to even tolerate Levi sleeping in the same room as him. The younger man had encamped to his own quarters and avoided him for much of the time, not wanting to torture the older man, and Erwin had spent the majority of the week pumping iron or sparring to relieve some of his frustration.

His face went hot as he remembered how he had cum in his pants just from having Levi on his knees, and his cock began to stir again as his mind wandered to when he had started to fuck the other man in earnest. When had sex started on that particular occasion? Truly, it was impossible to pinpoint any exact moment.

From her position beside him, the duchess had been regarding him in silence, giving him a knowing look, “Well then, in a similar vein stop positioning any single experience- whether that’s ejaculating, getting hard, or experiencing an orgasm- as the “completion” of sex. Let go of the artefacts of traditional experience and accept that your sex together is complete if you enjoy it. If you are experiencing pleasure, you’re doing it right.” Rolling onto her back, she cocked her head as she thought about her own past, “As a young woman newly married, I used to be offended if my husband didn’t reach climax, but instead just wanted to enjoy closeness through sex. It irked me, as I felt there must be something wrong with me for him to not try to ‘finish’. And yet, I never felt that way if I myself didn’t reach orgasm, but I know he worried too that it meant I wasn’t enjoying myself. With experience, we both eventually learned that sex can end long after climax- while luxuriating in bed, or bathing together or any number of things- if indeed orgasm occurs at all. Sex doesn’t end because a reflex has occurred or indeed not occurred.”

Staring at her for a while, Erwin smiled, “I’m lucky to have you in my life.”

“Yes you are,” she teased, stroking a wayward hand over his scrotum, having noticed that he had rather come to life again. “I’m glad we were able to have this chat.” Her face twisted into a funny, slightly evil grin, “You know, perhaps with my new publishing house I could write a new novel; one of a romance between two men. I’m old enough now that I hardly care what people think of it. And anyway, I’ll be dead soon I’m sure so I won’t live to be imprisoned or censured for the scandal it will create.”

Enjoying this playfully malevolent side to her, he mirrored her grin, “With your name attached to such a book, the tide of popular opinion might change, but the sceptic in me thinks it would take more than that. Make sure to send me a copy- I would read it, and I’m sure Levi would too. He tries to pretend he find romance novels silly, but he has bookmarked lots of scenes in different books of mine that he goes back to read time and time again. He never book marks the sex scenes though- I don’t think he finds the female form a turn-on.” His grin turned more sensual, “Could you write a terribly graphic man-on-man one, just for him?”

“I’ll do my best,” she promised, giving him a mock salute. “In truth, I’m surprised he is able to read, being from the Underground. I didn’t know there were schools down there. Did his mother teach him?”

“I taught him,”

“ _You_ taught him to read?” Her voice went strangely high-pitched, and she looked positively tearful at the information.

Since learning to read and write, Levi’s lexicon had changed dramatically; his new abilities allowed him to better narrate his experiences of the world, which like everyone’s was full of allusions, emotions and evocations. It was remarkable that a system built up of around thirty squiggles and allowing one to communicate could be so illuminating to someone’s existence.

Although Levi wrote using polite grammatical functions, his speech pattern had never changed to reflect that. Erwin supposed it was because that was how he had taught him that correspondence ought to be written, and now that he could expertly forge Erwin’s own hand, it would probably seem strange to potential funders for Erwin to address them too chummily or to use downright rude forms of verbiage.

Slipping an arm beneath her shoulders and pulling her in, he nodded, “In a world without titans and Walls, I would have liked to have been a teacher like my own father. I suspected Levi was illiterate from the moment we met, but only really gave it consideration when I saw how difficult it was for him to adjust to a new life without also being able to read or write. It seemed one of the better ways to allow him to entangle himself in modern Surface living. He is a remarkably quick learner, and has the most beautiful handwriting now.”

Reaching over out of the bed to his discarded pants on the floor, Erwin pulled out a thin wallet. Inside among the money was a note that he had kept from Levi- the first Levi had ever addressed to him. Settling himself back under the blanket, he held it out with quiet pride, and Sibylle took it from him. Her eyes drifted left to right across the paper.

_Gone to do laundry. With Hanji. Go back to sleep._

_Levi_

_PS There is some cold meat, bread and cheese on your desk for when you wake up._

_I’d have made tea, but I’m not allowed to boil water apparently. Or_ _carry it around._

Chest puffed up with pride, Erwin gave a gentle smile, “See?” 

As she read it, her eyes softened, “You carry this around with you always?”

“Yes,” Erwin blushed, face boiling with embarrassment, slightly regretting showing her now. Even Levi didn’t know he carted this about with him. Oh well. The secret was out. No harm divulging yet another. “I also have this.”

He pulled out another small scrap of paper. On one side was Levi’s name, written in a scrawly, shaky hand, and on the other side he had written ‘Erwin Smith’ in the same fashion. It had been the first time Levi had ever written their names, and the younger man had scoffed at his attempt and thrown the paper in the trash. After he had left, Erwin had fished it out, unscrumpled it and kept it, taking it out to look at it sometimes when he was alone.

Moving on top of him and squishing his face between both her hands, she gave him another adoring look, “You are so sweet that I could just eat you up. I’m sure you would have been a wonderful teacher.”

“Thank you. I’ve always thought how wonderful would it be to bring literacy to the masses; it would help unify the more disperate outer reaches of our people, particularly the rural folk of Wall Maria.” His expression darkened, “The church believes education is a holy doctrine which should be restricted to rich men, but I believe that keeping people illiterate is a method of political leverage, allowing the truth to be masked and manipulated at a whim. Most of the media is state-owned, so even those who are privileged at being able to read are often misinformed. People like Levi end up just trying to get by as best they can, and are easy to exploit and influence by those in society seen as educated.”

Although the population in the Underground city was mostly illiterate, they were by no means stupid. Remembering back to his excursions to the Underground, Erwin recalled the clever system by which the people there communicated with each other. In the microcosm of the Underground where the majority of the adults were completely uneducated, signs, symbols, icons and pictographs were used instead of words on shop windows and other businesses to communicate instantaneously with the illiterate population. Some were easy to interpret, others were almost incomprehensible to oblivious Surface dwellers. In addition, Levi had told him there were subtleties to it all that Erwin had likely missed entirely; certain lights, colours and small additions to pictures might differentiate between particular services and goods- for example, in whore houses a candle lit behind a red pane of glass and set in the window indicated a female was available; blue was male and purple represented the services of a man who dressed as a woman.

As for the spoken word, the Undergrounders used a rather deconstructed, bastardised dialect that both he and Mike had found hard to understand at first. After Isobel and Farlan were dead, and Levi was alone, he had noticeably struggled to communicate with other soldiers, many of whom assumed his informal use of language was plain rudeness rather than merely his normal speech pattern, and it made Erwin remember back to how difficult he had found navigating the Underground where he stood out as an over-polite outsider and was unable to understand the accent and iconography of the place.

Surface citizens mistrusted the accent of the sewers beneath Mitras, and even the other corps officers had placed the blame of Levi’s not fitting in firmly at the man’s own feet. But as he had been plucked from his own culture and set in another which was different in so many ways, it felt unfair to accuse him of being the sole reason he was unable to fit in. He had no formal or military education whatsoever, and probably found the accent and differences in speech on the Surface difficult to understand. Surrounded by writing on every surface and living among literate adults and teenagers was likely daunting and humiliating at times.

The final straw for Erwin came when Levi began to visibly lose weight as a result of stress, and he had begun to pity the man; that was when he began to suspect that Levi needed remedial literacy lessons and a mentor to guide him through the tumult of losing his companions.

“Our salvation won’t be in the broken bastion of linguistic difference, but in shared identities and connectivity.” Erwin spoke with utter conviction about one of his father’s other strong beliefs. “We must live and work together to reach the goal of freedom, and that means sharing information and educating people to be able to write down what they know about the world. The inconvenience of miscommunication is a significant burden in many people’s lives. Besides that, how much more unlocked potential exists in places where people are simply too poor to consider anything beyond their next meal or maintaining a roof over their heads?”

“Was he so very poor?” She asked quietly.

“Not as an adult, but as a child yes- I don’t think it was possible to be any more wretched than he was.”

Erwin thought of a starving little boy who waited to die while his mother rotted in her bed. A boy who for the first six years of his life had never stepped outside the confines of the room he had been born in, the room in which he had endured the sexual violence against himself and his mother.

“You saved him,” she whispered.

“No,” Erwin shook his head. “He has saved me. He was the first person in nearly three decades who showed me I was capable of being truly loved. He has given me his heart, his body and his soul. They are of such worth to me.”

Her wrinkles deepened, “You feel accountable for them. Does he know that? Perhaps he didn’t intend for you to feel burdened by them.”

Erwin shook his head vehemently, “I don’t feel that way. I only fear the day that I have to order him to his death, or that my actions result in harm to him, knowing that in order to save humanity I must hurt the people I love.”

He thought back to the morning after Levi had been relentlessly tortured - to the cold, limp figure in his arms- and how despite all his suffering he hadn’t spoken one word against Erwin since. How he had never placed blame at Erwin’s feet.

He swallowed, “One day, I might have to order him to a violent end to achieve my goals, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.”

With each mission Erwin returned from still alive, it became harder and harder to ignore the mountain of dead bodies that he and all of humanity stood on; the mauled corpses, the twisted limbs, the torsos bitten clean in half. He shuddered, imagining Levi’s mangled body one day being added to that pile. And yet, he knew that Levi would despise him if he weren’t strong enough to give the command that might lead to his demise. The power he wielded was a terribly sharp double-edged sword.

A wetness was forming under where her face lay against his chest, “Do you love him back? As much as you think he loves you?”

He gave a slow, deep sigh, “More than I can ever say.”


	27. Jeder Tag ist ein Schultag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel it's time for some smut, especially for Levi. Homeboy needs to get laid!
> 
> Thank you all for your comments- they make my day/week/month/ whole world (we are still in lockdown here and there's literally nothing else to do but drink tea and write eruri porn in my kitchen) so please please keep sending them :D and in return I'll write more!

Late the next morning, Erwin pulled on last night’s clothes, ready to do the walk of shame back to the rooms always assigned him. Just before leaving, he passed Sibylle the note. She had been up for hours already, and was busy coordinating what she wanted to do for the next couple of days.

She stilled almost completely, only her eyes moving as they repeatedly roamed across the scrap of paper. She clearly recognised the handwriting.

“More care is needed, Erwin.” Breathing gently, she handed it back to him and he threw it into the crackling fire, eyes locked on the worrying words as they burned away to nothing. She leaned on her stick and watched the fire with him, “Information like this needs revealed at the right time to the right people. Perhaps consideration is needed regarding choosing to reveal this news in a controlled setting.” He nodded and she put a finger to her chin, looking up at him, “Does Captain Levi know?”

“No.” Erwin gave her a serious look.

Glancing at him askance, she was taken-aback by the fact, “Is he incapable of keeping secrets? Or are you afraid you would lose him if he knew?”

“I trust him implicitly,” was all he would say.

“Hmmmm,” eyes flashing, she gave him a knowing look. “He knows you keep secrets?”

Hands clamped at the small of his back, Erwin nodded, “He does. And he respects my need to keep them, even from him.”

Giving a faint nod, she hobbled towards the door, “I would like to get to know him myself; perhaps we could go for a short walk in the gardens. I won’t intimate that I know about you both. He might not like knowing he was the topic of our pillow talk.”

“No. You didn’t meet him at all last night, really.” Despite this, Erwin had noticed her looking over at Levi and smiling frequently, which had undoubtedly put the skittish man on edge.

“I sensed that last night was much for him to take in; some people don’t find balls a good place to make new friends. Forcing introductions and small talk would not have put me in his good books.”

At this insightfulness, Erwin laughed, “Yes. He is quite introverted, and finds such events overwhelming. He’d have been even grumpier than usual if you had tried to sweet-talk him. He is better in intimate settings like you describe. I’ll go and tell him that you would like to meet him.” Erwin looked up at the clock on the wall, “He’ll have been up for hours already.”

The duchess put a hand on Erwin’s arm as he did up the buttons on his cuffs, “I sense you want me to like him. Rest assured, I will.”

~~~~

Still in his room, Levi regarded the blonde enter unexpectedly and walk stiffly towards him. Perhaps he was a bit sore from whatever he’d gotten up to the night before. It was good to know that there was at least someone alive who could exert control over this haughty, proud man and put him firmly in his place. Clearly still in business mode, Erwin was standing taller and looking even more rigid than normal. He would no doubt also speak over-formally for the entire stay; he had a habit of doing that when he spent too much time wallowing in the mud with the pigs at these events.

Taking a couple of strides towards him with his ridiculously long legs, Erwin cupped a hand gently against Levi’s cheek, his manner softening ever so slightly, “Lady Sibylle would like to meet you properly. She’s asked if you can take a turn with her in the gardens, just the two of you.”

Taking note of what page he was on and keeping one leg crossed horizontally over the other, Levi set down his book to give his full attention, “Is that her name?” He knew it would come to this at some point, but still hadn’t a clue what they could possibly have to talk about together.

 _Erwin?_ He supposed. _Sex with Erwin?_ _We could exchange tips_.

Levi looked up at his prim and proper Squad Leader and grimaced.

Maybe not.

Inclining his head, Erwin flashed him a pleasing smile, “She has a few titles- Lady Sibyelle, Lady Stohess, Dowager Duchess. I call her Sibylle in private, of course.”

“Of course.” Levi repeated facetiously as he uncrossed his legs and stood. “Well, lead the way.”

“This afternoon, I’ll be all yours,” Erwin promised, stepping towards him and giving his elbow a squeeze, letting slip some of his formal demeanor. “And I haven’t forgotten my promise- I have something special planned.”

Well, that certainly was good incentive to behave.

Levi’s grey eyes slid of their own volition up towards playful blue ones, “Intriguing. I can hardly wait.”

~~~~

“Lend me your arm,” the old lady demanded, reaching out for him with her spindly fingers.

It was weird.

Meeting his lover’s elderly sex mentor was weird, Levi decided.

Very weird.

Weirder than fighting giant, naked monsters. Weirder than falling in love with the man he was supposed to assassinate. Weirder even than sharing that lover with other people. 

Weird. 

Said lover was nodding at him encouragingly, and Levi held back a sneer. He could tell the blonde wanted him to be on his best behaviour and for the two of them to get along on this forced playdate. Well, he would try and behave, but he wouldn’t change himself for these fuckers, no matter how much Erwin desired it. If she played ball, so would he.

He stood rigidly for a moment; he wasn’t used to touching women at all, not really knowing where it was okay to put his hands on their strangely soft bodies, and he’d _never_ touched someone old before. The people he knew never had the chance to grow old. Fuck, he wasn’t even sure if he _had_ the balls to grow this old. It was hard to imagine becoming a creaky old man, trapped in a body that no-longer did what he wanted it to do; reliant on others to wipe his ass and clean his house. No-one would do it to his standard. The thought made him shudder.

Hesitantly, he put out an arm for her to lean on like he had seen Erwin do, staring at her wrinkled skin and sunspots as her hand gripped his forearm with surprising strength. Even with a slight limp slowing her down, the two soon left Erwin walking at an even more leisurely pace some distance behind them. He apparently wanted them to spend some time just the two of them, and Levi cursed the man, not having a fucking clue how to talk to someone this high in society. She probably wouldn’t even be able to understand his accent.

But as they sauntered at an unhurried pace on the paved path that wound its way through the nice-smelling herb gardens, he found himself not minding the company of this much older person. He couldn’t help but think of his own mother, and what life might have been like if she had lived to this great age. Aside from the duchess pointing out some of the plants and explaining some of the interesting tinctures she made with them for her rheumatisms and headaches, there was a companionable silence that Levi was rather grateful for- he was sure that the only thing they really had in common was a sexual relationship with Erwin, and he wasn’t about to point _that_ out to her. She would probably be disgusted at the two of them, potentially jeopardising any plans Erwin had to make off with some of her vast fortune.

At one point on their walk, they paused to admire a water fountain bubbling in an alcove in the hedge. It was a stone creation, with a man and woman entwined in a ballroom dance. The female figurine was wearing an enormous gown that accentuated an impossibly tiny waist.

“How come you weren’t wearing one of those monstrosities all the other women had draped over them last night?” He asked, speaking properly for the first time. Some of the women had struggled to fit their ridiculously wide dresses through the doors, much to Levi’s amusement.

She looked across at him. He was so small, but she could sense the strength in him; stronger even than Erwin with his much larger build. In her heyday, she would have stood a full head taller than this young soldier, but the last year in particular had seen her lose much of the strength in her back, and her stoop meant their eyes were almost level.

“Ah you mean the dresses made from cloth of gold?” She shifted her weight on the soldier’s arm. “I’m too frail to cope with them now, but when I was young, I could carry off one of those like nobody else. Cloth of gold gowns are terribly cumbersome and sit heavy on the hips; one’s legs ache constantly from the strain. While wearing it, one cannot sit down as the thread is metal woven with silk, and it can become bent and the skirt forever misshapen.” She grimaced, “And don’t even ask about how one tries taking a break to the ladies room in such a thing. All I will say is that it requires the assistance of many, and one rather loses all one’s considerable dignity.”

At this he smirked. So, it seemed toilet humour went all the way up to the highest echelons of society.

“Sounds perfectly dreadful,” Levi commiserated.

She started to walk again, tugging him gently as if he were a stubborn horse she wanted to get going, “Like all the other trappings of nobility, one gets used to it. I imagine it is at least as uncomfortable as those straps you must wear the majority of the time.”

He scoffed and rolled his eyes, “At least my gear has a fucking purpose.”

“As does mine, my dear.” Her voice dropped an octave lower then Levi thought such a tiny woman would be capable of, “A sign to others of our family’s power, and a strong, clear warning to them all not to fuck with us.”

Hearing this little old lady who was normally so well-spoken swear so threateningly made him bark out a laugh.

“Clothing tells much about a person,” she continued, holding up her free arm to show him the expensive fabric she was swathed in. “Luxury raw materials and thread, delicate embroidery, impractically long and slashed sleeves- they are a symbolic power; the imageries of which are omnipresent in the visual spaces of the media and the court, and they also occupy a central place in normal peoples’ view of the nobility and their aspirations for themselves. If I have long sleeves, I mustn’t need to do physical labour. If I have fine embroidery I must be able to afford such craftsmanship. Haute couture is my armament, and the lesser nobility copy my style to try and curry favour with me. I guarantee you, that if I manage to live long enough to host another party next year, all the ladies will turn up wearing rather plain dresses such as mine, looking to copy me. There will be no cloth of gold dresses in sight.”

Eyes narrowing, Levi all but spat out, “Do these _noblewomen_ make their dresses themselves?”

She bobbed her head side-to-side, “Many can make clothes and embroider beautifully, but the most expensive ball gowns require skilled hands to make.”

“Well-paid hands?” Levi asked, knowing the answer. Despite the world of prestige, power and beauty such clothes represented, behind the beautiful faces and pretty dresses lay a lustreless myriad of exploited and poorly paid seamstresses and children embroidering the fine patterns in slave-like conditions, squinting in dim candlelight and working too many hours everyday.

“Infrequently,” she admitted. “There is a huge gap between the fantasies of luxury and glamour that fashion such as this can disseminate, and the precarious work that supports it. Then there are also the architects of the fashion who are also commonly very poorly compensated for their efforts. The creative, immaterial process of designing such dresses brings their designers social status rather than earn them any real money. It’s usually men with alternate upper-middle class lifestyles in such positions, whose parents can afford to keep them and who generally aren’t looking to get married. Being able to work for free is paradoxically a privileged process- one can only do it if one’s family are already well set-up and secure enough to be able to afford one child needing supported well into adulthood.”

Trying not to freeze up and give away how uncomfortable he was with what she was implying about men who appreciated fashion, Levi forced his diaphragm to keep his breaths deep and slow. “What motivates them if not money?”

“Passion for their art and the desire to percolate through glamorous circles. It’s an identity thing- of working towards something with value. It is the economy of hope, as maybe at one point they will get where they want to be if they keep designing exceptional clothes. Perhaps one day, they will be famous enough to make astonishing amounts of money if the right people wear their creations.”

“Why not just fucking pay them?” It seemed a totally reasonable suggestion. He gestured around at the big house and the army of servants tending the gardens, “It’s not like you’re short on change.”

Patting his arm, she nodded, “I do pay mine. In fact, one of them makes clothes only for me. And no, I’m personally not short on disposable income, but you would be surprised at how many of the supposed rich are so in name only. Their wealth is wrapped up in land and real-estate, which for propriety’s sake they cannot afford to sell. Some people have to take out mortgages to afford the stately court dresses needed for their daughters to enter certain circles of society.” One bony finger reached out to stroke his cravat. “I like your cravat,” she commented. “It suits you.”

“I made it myself.”

Surprised, she tilted her head, “You are handy with needle and thread?”

“Yes.”

“I enjoy embroidery myself. It is a good skill to have, but I’ve never known any men bar surgeons willing to take up a needle.”

He shrugged, not wanting her to come to any strange conclusions about his talent at fashion. “I need to be able to fix my uniform if it tears during field work. It's not like I sow pretty patterns into my shirt collars.”

 _Although I could_ , he thought. It might be nice to try his hand at some of that blackwork embroidery he had seen at the tailor's in town. He just needed to get his hands on some black silk thread from somewhere.

Stopping again to appreciate a view of the sprawling flower gardens, the duchess took in a deep breath of fresh air. “Speaking of your labours, is Erwin excessively dictatorial at work? I’d imagine he is.”

“It’s his prerogative to be so,” he reasoned, himself looking at the bed of lavender right in front of them, “but he isn’t a tyrant; he is capable of listening to opposing opinion and hear criticism without taking it personally.” His mind wandered to exactly what this woman had gotten up to with his lover the night before, “I hope he is going easy on you.”

Shooting him a wink and a grin, the elderly woman laughed, “It’s Erwin who is going to need a break after I’m through with him. He’s probably taking the opportunity for a breather as we speak.” She turned her head as if to look for him, but he was no longer in view behind them. “Perhaps he has already collapsed from sheer exhaustion somewhere in the gardens.”

Trying to imagine what this woman might have been like at the peak of her sexual appetite, Levi couldn’t help but smirk. It was a terrifying image, and he wondered if even Erwin could have kept her satisfied.

“I’m not the best company,” Levi admitted. “Erwin should have warned you. I don’t fit in with _your_ people.”

“You seem alright to me,” she looked at his face out of the corner of her eye. “Did you know that people find you fascinating? They say it must be terrible experiencing the trauma of seeing all those titans, and for growing up the way you did.”

Scoffing, Levi rolled his shoulders to try and relax the muscles that had set rigid ever since he’d arrived at this fucking place, “I don’t fear titans. People on the other hand, I find much less predictable. Besides, what does anyone know about the way I grew up?”

“Rumours and stories. Mostly inaccurate I’m sure. It is a delight to have such a hero staying with me.”

“I’m not a hero,” Levi hated fools who were drunk on being heroes.

 _But you would be Erwin’s hero,_ a little voice in his mind reminded him. _Hypocrite_.

She looked across at him, all knotted tension across his neck and shoulders from the moment she’d first observed him, and diverted the conversation away from the touchy subject, “Tell me about a day in the life of the great Captain Levi. I suspect you have more trials and tribulations than the average man.”

Noticing that their heart-to-heart had gone off on a tangent, Levi rolled his eyes. This dilettante was skilled at small talk and at flattering men. Maybe it worked on straight, rich and stupid men; but he was none of those things. Shrugging the shoulder than wasn’t assisting her, Levi kept an eye on the meandering path ahead for anything that might trip the old woman up. He didn’t want to return her to Erwin as a wrinkled old bag of broken bones.

“My normal day is like anyone else’s,” he muttered, eyes ahead. “Filled with mundanity and the pursuit of dreams.”

“Erwin’s dreams?” She enquired knowingly.

He held in a growl. So, they _had_ been having pillow-talk about him. Fucking weirdos. What had Erwin said about him? They would be having words later.

“They are also mine now,” Levi offered, internally dreaming exactly _how_ he was going to kick Erwin’s ass later.

_Should I do it literally, or metaphorically?_

“You must have a few dreams of your own too,” she continued down her line of questioning. “What will you do once the titans are eradicated?”

Levi stared at her, surprised that she spoke as if she (like himself) truly believed that Erwin would achieve what he was setting out to do, “Whatever Erwin does.”

She shook her head and pressed him again, “But what would _you_ like to do?”

It was a silly dream really, and one that was never likely to occur. So surely telling someone about it wasn’t going to make it any less likely to happen. “I would like to run a tea shop.”

He imagined packed shelves behind a counter, each heaving with dozens of tins containing his own personal mixes and flavours of tea, which he would personally test daily for quality assurance. He could almost smell them if he closed his eyes tightly enough and sniffed gently. A small section of the shop would be filled with small tables and squishy chairs by a warm fire, and the local baker would provide cakes to have with the specialist blends.

“Oh, how lovely and quaint. What will you call it?”

Having never really thought that far ahead, he shrugged, “’My Fucking Tea Shoppe’.”

Although he wasn’t wholly joking, the duchess seemed to think he was and laughed until her eyes watered, before proceeding to cough so violently that he could feel her legs weaken as she leaned against him more heavily. Panicking and wondering if she was actually about to expire right then and there, Levi looked around for somewhere to deposit her and fetch help. Happily, one of her many attendants appeared from seemingly nowhere with a chair, and for several long moments the now-seated old woman continued to hack her lungs up. When she dabbed at her mouth with a handkerchief, Levi was horrified to see specks of blood on it.

Itching to wash his hands and forearms, he excused himself and power-walked back to his rooms, not allowing his hands to touch his own body along the way and intent on scrubbing until his skin hurt. He knew it was irrational; that injuring and breaking his skin in that manner would result in it not being as protective as keeping it intact. Yet it was impossible to quell the compulsion.

After rubbing his skin raw, Levi emerged from the bathroom feeling no less stressed for his efforts. Hot spring sun beat through the glass, making the room feel stifling. Feeling nauseated and needing some fresh air, he went over to sit on a windowsill. Sliding up the huge sash window, Levi leaned out the window he had opened to try and catch a breeze, then swung around to dangle his legs out. He watched from his position as the local poor waited at the door below for leftovers as alms from last night’s dinner. Some of them looked up at him, pointing and waving.

The people who lived here in the countryside looked happier and better fed than the others he had seen gathering outside the Countess’s mansion, or Geigerlich’s in the Interior. As he leaned out to watch the food parcels being passed out below him, he unconsciously flicked his gut-hooked knife open and shut in his right hand.

Eventually he grew bored of people watching and settled on his stomach on the bed to read, not yet feeling ready to explore the house and wanting to further wind down his panic. The sun moved around the room as a couple of hours passed and after a while he made his way back to the windowsill to inspect and clean his knife now that part of the room was in shade and more pleasant to sit at.

As he brought the metal to a gleaming shine and inspected its sharpness, he heard the door behind him open without ceremony. Having grown slightly more used to servants moving around quietly in the background, Levi barely turned to eye them and check that whoever it was wasn’t a threat.

“Sorry I’ve kept you waiting.” It was Erwin. He walked closer when Levi failed to reply to him, but merely stared at him mutely. “Is everything alright?”

Sure that the blonde hadn't seen him leave the duchess during her Coughing fit and hoping she hadn’t ratted on him making a hasty escape, Levi hopped down gracefully from his window seat and replaced the knife back where it belonged, “The hesitation was for you to entertain me with descriptions of any particularly weird sex acts you might have been engaging in with your sexual mentor since I last saw you.”

“Heh, not today.” Erwin smoothed his hair back. He was well-dressed, and certainly didn’t look as if he had been exerting himself. “I was helping Sibylle with some difficult paperwork, then her painter came to her rooms to do a portrait she commissioned. It was all rather mundane, but she enjoys my company and I am happy to oblige.” The blonde headed to the bathroom and Levi could hear him running the shower. A sudden pulse beat in Levi’s groin.

_Why is he washing? Is he looking to-?_

There was a knock on the door in the middle of his thoughts, and Levi opened it to be greeted by a servant carrying a tray with an ornate jug, a damp cloth resting over it to keep whatever its contents were cool and fresh.

“Thank you,” Levi tipped the man who left looking pleased, taking the tray from him and setting it down carefully on a table.

He hadn’t ordered a drink, and the man hadn’t brought a glass.

Just as he was about to lift the cloth to investigate, Erwin emerged with a towel wrapped low around his hips, looking delightfully flushed from the hot water.

“Double cream,” Erwin winked and gestured towards the jug, towelling his hair dry and sitting down on the side of the huge bed.

Blinking in surprise, Levi’s mouth began to water as he lifted the cloth and stared at the thick, white liquid, then up and down Erwin’s muscled body, skin dewy and flushed pink.

He swallowed. Licked his lips.

“Did you arrange this?” Levi’s eyes widened. “Is it my turn for a few hours?”

Perhaps Erwin wasn’t too disappointed in his poor show with his other lover earlier. Or he didn't know. 

“I’m all yours,” came Erwin’s seductive response.

Not wanting to waste a single second, Levi pounced, straddling those broad hips and kissing the blonde breathless, forcing him onto his back. Conscious of the fact he was still fully clothed and no longer wanted to be, Levi sat up and wrenched his jacket off and tossed it away, slinging his shirt off over his head. Fuck undoing buttons; time was of the essence and he had better things to be doing.

Erwin had been keeping his body hair well-trimmed, and his chest was almost completely smooth. Levi set a palm on each pec and thumbed the older man’s nipples, enjoying the feeling of the little nubs hardening. Erwin’s thumbs had come down to the hem of Levi’s pants, and were trying to force the material down over his ass. Standing up and shucking them off himself, Levi locked the door and picked up the cold jug, licking his lips as he took in the sight of the bulge under Erwin’s towel.

“Move up the bed,” he ordered.

Erwin shuffled backwards, leaving his towel behind as he did. His dick swung up to slap against his stomach and Levi gripped it in one hand, sighing lustfully at the feel of the thick, hot shaft which was double the girth of his own. He licked his lips, looking forward to sucking cream off his lover’s hardness. On climbing back up over Erwin, he saw there were a few thin red marks on the man’s body, and one bruise that might have been a bite. Holding back a possessive growl, he shook his head and forced himself to ignore them.

The blonde jumped slightly as the cold cream was poured onto his sternum. It ran thickly down his chest and tried to veer off down one flank, but Levi quickly ducked down to lap it up, following the trail back and giving a suck to one of Erwin’s nipples for good measure.

Levi was rock hard where he rubbed himself against Erwin’s own erection. The blonde reached down to grip them both, and the younger man rocked himself through the ‘o’ Erwin made with his hand. His narrow hips moved instinctually, but all of Levi’s conscious focus was on what he wanted to do with his mouth. The younger man’s eyes were half-shut with pleasure as he poured and then licked the thick cream off Erwin’s body, seeming to focus mostly on his chest and nipples.

“I love your tits,” the dark head buried in between them, kissing and nuzzling. “The valley of your pecs is my home.”

Erwin gasped as he was treated to the tip of Levi’s tongue tracing lazy circles around one nipple and then the other. The contrast of the cold cream followed by his lover’s hot mouth sent a jolt of pleasure down to his groin, causing him to contract his pelvic floor involuntarily and flex his cock up harder against Levi.

“Hmmm,” Levi crooned. “You like that?”

“Ungh,” was all he could manage as the hot little mouth descended once more, looking to elicit more of the same.

Although he enjoyed sucking on other people’s nipples, Erwin had never really paid attention to that particular erogenous zone on himself before, nor had any partners managed to elicit much pleasure from them either. The experience was entirely new, and Erwin was pleased to still be able to make sexual discoveries about himself in his mid-thirties.

“Mmmmhmmm,” Levi moaned while sucking yet more cream from where he’d poured it over Erwin’s left nipple.

Erwin laughed, unable to help himself, “Big fan of breastfeeding as a kid?”

With a pop, Levi removed his mouth and began kissing his chest instead, humming an affirmative noise, “Yeah, but I’m sure yours are bigger than hers were. Mom used to have to pry me off and bat away my groping hands all the time. But it was cleaner than giving me sewer water, and it was nourishment and comfort I guess.”

Not wanting the moment to lead down a path to sad memories, Erwin decided to join in the play. Sitting up slightly, he took the jug himself and poured out a small pool at the top of his abs. Levi’s eyes gleamed as he ducked down to lap up where it ran in a rivulet down to his belly button. His head tilted back as he looked up expectantly for Erwin to continue. The blonde grinned and repeated the action, this time ever so slightly lower. Levi worked his way down, until he was sucking cream off where it had been poured in a line along the underside of Erwin’s cock. Wanting blown, Erwin poured more over his erection, sighing as Levi’s warm mouth engulfed him and sucked hard, head bobbing. Spit pooled at the base of his cock.

“Lift up,” Erwin commanded, and with a pop his erection was released and Levi moved back. Pouring the cream again, one thick stream dribbled down to his balls, and Erwin groaned as they were attacked and sucked with gusto.

One particularly naughty drop had continued on down, and it was with some shock that Erwin felt his normally-shy lover lift his scrotum out of his way and press his hot tongue against his perineum to catch it. It was the boldest thing the younger man had ever done in bed, and he clearly knew it. Lustful eyes glinted up at him as the tip of his tongue darted out again to repeat the action. Erwin’s breath caught in his chest as he wondered where this would lead. He was unaccountably excited, and decided to play along, pouring more cream in such a way that it would run down to beneath his balls.

Tongue and lips working fast to catch it all, the inside of Erwin’s thighs soon became a mess of cooling saliva. Wanting to make sure he had got it all, Levi utilised his considerable strength and pushed Erwin’s knees up to his chest, making a pleased hum as he took a moment to admire what he was seeing. The action took Erwin’s breath away, and he gasped loudly as the flat of Levi’s tongue gave an experimental lick up his entrance.

“Fuck,” he swore, his mind going completely blank. Sometimes he forgot how much stronger Levi was than him.

Levi loomed over him, still holding his legs up in position with his hips snugly in between Erwin’s thighs. He was sure his face was one of utter shock as he felt Levi’s hot erection bump and twitch between his cheeks.

“Don’t worry,” Levi smirked down at him. “Not today.”

Stunned silent and pretty sure he would currently be up for anything his smoking-hot lover suggested after his talk with the duchess, Erwin opened his mouth to protest, but suddenly his legs were lowered and Levi clambered up to plant his knees either side of Erwin’s face.

Staring up at the dangerous man poised above him, Erwin couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Levi smirked down at him, slapping his cock against one cheek then tapping the head against Erwin’s lips, looking permission to enter. Dumbfounded but happy with proceedings, Erwin opened his mouth slightly more to give a little suck. One of his hands moved to cup Levi’s hips, and Erwin brushed his talented fingertips down the crease between his ass cheeks.

Levi peered down as the aching hardness between his legs was sucked with fervour. Although he would have liked Erwin inside him (indeed, it was a real primal urge that he struggled logically to explain), today he was determined to show the older man that he could take charge of proceedings during sex, and could boss the other man around. This would be easier to achieve without being fucked hard up the ass.

Expression changing to a glower, Levi smacked his hand away. “No ass touching for you today. Jerk yourself off while you pleasure me.”

With a high-pitched whine, the blonde capitulated and gripped Levi’s hip with one hand, while the other snaked down to grip himself. Removing himself from Erwin’s mouth and tugging his own erection up and out of the way, Levi swayed his hips so that the skin of his scrotum grazed Erwin’s parted lips.

“Suck my balls.” Levi ordered while he began to jerk himself off, his free hand gripping the enormous headboard in front of him. Looking down, he smirked when he saw how aroused the handsome blonde beneath him was at being ordered about. “So, you wanted me to boss you around more often, eh Blondie?” Levi asked smoothly, feeling for once in total control.

Wide-eyed, Erwin could only nod silently in response, his mouth busy around Levi’s flesh.

“Then lie back and beat yourself off like I’ve told you to,” he snarled.

Bending his knees and reaching a hand down, Erwin did as he was bid, mouth still working on laving attention to the buttery-smooth skin above him.

“Good boy,” came Levi’s deep and darkly pleased voice above him, and strong fingers combed gently through Erwin’s hair. “Good boy.”

Erwin whimpered as Levi lowered himself more forcefully down against his face. _Goddamn, Levi_ , he thought, his pelvis thrusting upwards involuntarily at the simple words uttered. It had been a long time since anyone other than the duchess had spoken to him like this.

Moving his hand up and down his own length with deliberate slowness, Levi looked lustfully down at him, “One day soon, I’m going to make you get on all fours and finger yourself naked on your office desk while I watch. I’ll recline on the couch, smoke one of your expensive cigars, drink your nice whiskey and admire the view. I’ll tell you exactly what I want to see you do. If you aren’t doing it to my satisfaction, I’ll unlock the door and risk letting other people walk in on you touching your own ass.” He grinned- an evil, sinful grin that showed off too many teeth for it not to be a threat, “Maybe I’ll slip some of your nice finished paperwork under you- the really expensive parchment with the wings of freedom embossed on it- and watch as it’s ruined by your pre-cum dribbling onto it.”

Erwin’s eyelids couldn’t have possibly peeled back any more than they already were, “You wouldn’t.” The words were muffled by his mouth still being stuffed full with the other man’s balls.

Rocking down slightly, Levi rubbed his ball sack up over the rest of Erwin’s face, then brought it down to settle it in again his mouth, “Willing to take the risk?”

Erwin could only shake his head, not yet entirely sure what Levi was capable of when feeling kinky and domineering. He wasn’t sure what was more of a turn-on- getting caught, or messing up his reports. It was pleasing that this young man was starting to come up with his own creative ways for them to be frisky together. Erwin was sure he’d never heard of a bureaucracy-based kink before, but the idea held strange appeal.

Having not washed immediately before sex himself, Levi’s groin smelled musky and potent. Erwin was drowning in lust, almost unable to think with his mind fogged from the natural scent of his lover’s most intimate area and was glad to have not ushered him into the shower too. Forced to breathe only through his nose, the blonde was soon lost in a haze of sensation, enjoying the praises spilling from his lover’s lips.

“That’s it, well done,” cooed the younger man. “Just like that.” From the flush growing up from Erwin’s neck to his cheeks, Levi could tell the blonde was close to orgasm. He growled down imperiously at him, “Don’t come until I give you permission.”

Slowing his own hand down, Erwin groaned and continued to lick and suck at the skin behind Levi’s now tightly-cupped sack, enjoying the grunts of pleasure it elicited.

“Fuck, Erwin.” His head was tilted back, giving Erwin a lovely view of his sculpted jawline. “That’s right, lick me, make me cum.”

He loved the way Levi pronounced his name- more like ‘Air-u-vin’ than Erwin, and it was never more beautifully said than when Levi groaned it during sex. Like many from the Underground, his vowels had an airy quality, and he struggled with the pronunciation of ‘wuh’. Many misspent hours had been wasted trying to correct him during their literacy lessons, and in the end Erwin had decided he rather liked Levi’s exotic accent just the way it was, and felt it would be a mistake to train him out of it.

“Fuck, cum now.” Huffing out a sharp exhale, Levi’s eyes snapped down to his, “Open your mouth,”

Sitting back slightly, Levi pulled his foreskin completely back and angled the head of his cock towards Erwin’s face. Erwin closed his eyes and felt several hot, wet streaks paint his chin and cheeks, then a salty tang as Levi forced himself in between his lips and thrust into his mouth to finish himself off.

With a groan around the pulsing hardness in his mouth, Erwin came so forcefully that his whole body tensed with pleasure, abs crunching and toes curling as he climaxed hard up into his hand. Wanting to wring it out as long as possible, Erwin tried to concentrate on the glorious feeling of cum hitting the back of his tongue and the deep, happy vocalisations Levi was making above him as he gyrated his hips down into Erwin’s face. Most of his own climax landed on his belly, but he was sure at least one spurt hit as far as Levi’s lower back. With Levi fucking his face and his cum running down Erwin’s cheeks to his neck, a vulgar, obscene part of Erwin wished someone _would_ walk in at that moment and see him being used like this by his male subordinate.

When he opened his eyes, Levi was supporting himself with both hands gripping the headboard, looking down in fascination as his hips continued to rock the head of his cock gently back and forth over Erwin’s tongue. Bringing up a hand to milk him dry, Erwin gave a firm suck and swallowed. His other hand cupped Levi’s ass and pulled him in.

Levi gave a stuttered groan as he continued to be stimulated, but he was rapidly going soft despite Erwin’s attentions. After a few more thrusts, he withdrew from Erwin’s mouth and flopped sideways onto the bed. Unexpectedly, a hand slapped down hard on Erwin’s thigh once Levi was flat on his back beside him, leaving a bright red stamp of approval and causing him to jump. The resultant _smack_ echoed loudly around the room.

“Macho enough for you, chief?”

“Fucking hell,” Erwin stared up at the ceiling, grinning manically. “Remind me to start budgeting for cream when we get back to HQ.”

Looking equally pleased, Levi rolled towards him with the damp cloth from the jug, clearly not intent on making him stay covered in spunk now that he was satisfied. Once clean, Erwin pulled Levi on top of him and mashed their mouths together, using the cloth to wipe the long smear of cum still on Levi’s lower back.

He hadn’t been entirely sure what exactly Levi’s plans were for the cream, and had been excited to see how it would all play out. Despite it having been a lot of fun, Erwin knew what Levi’s little show had _really_ represented. He had felt terrible about recently upsetting the younger man after rather unthinkingly declaring his own shame about bottoming for other men, and was glad Levi had felt able to take back some control and teach him a well-deserved lesson.

“Mmmmm, indeed. You are the hottest, manliest creature alive.” He squeezed Levi’s ass and ran his hands across his lover, marvelling at the feel of the Adonis belt at the tops of Levi’s thighs, “Fuck, I love you taking control. I thought you were going to bend me in two and fuck me right then and there.”

With Erwin’s knees still bent, there was space for Levi to fit between his legs. As they kissed again, Erwin allowed himself to imagine Levi really _was_ on top, getting ready to fuck him hard. It was with some surprise that the thought excited him, and he brought his arms around Levi’s torso to hold them close together. Their height difference mattered little now they were horizontal, and the idea of being fucked by the strongest, manliest man he knew caused his cock to stir again.

Laying kisses along Erwin’s jaw, Levi hummed gently, “Didn’t really feel able to order you about until recently.” The younger man’s fingers stroked Erwin’s forehead pleasantly, raking back the blonde hair back from his face, “Hadn’t a fucking clue what I was doing.”

“I’ve always said that you are a quick learner.” With a gleeful expression, Erwin’s blonde eyebrows shot suddenly upwards, “That dick slap though, _fuck_ Levi; you can do that to me _all_ day.”

“If you insist.” Then he gave a serious look, “You know, I would never fuck you without permission first- talking about it first. You like to talk so fucking much.”

“I know. Thank you.” Stretching and stifling a yawn, Erwin groaned, “I could do with a nap. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” He strongly suspected Levi hadn’t either- he always struggled to sleep at the best of times in the most familiar of environments. Hopefully now in his presence, he could catch forty winks.

Levi seemed to be thinking the same thing, “Turn around and let me hold you.”

As happy as could be, Erwin turned and let Levi wrap himself around him from behind, one arm resting comfortably under Erwin’s pillow and his crotch against the blonde’s backside. The younger man was like a contented cat after his cream, and even now continued to make pleased little noises as he stroked a hand up and down Erwin’s chest and belly, before settling it around his partner’s softening cock.

Erwin chuckled at him.

“Shut up and let me play,” came a warm huff of breath in his ear as Levi ensured his foreskin was tugged firmly down. “I’ll not make your mistake though and send you away with a monstrously swollen cock. What would Lady Stohess have to say about that?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh Erwin- are we developing as a person? And learning new things about ourselves? GOOD! Because really, it's never too late to grow as a person.
> 
> BTW, there is actually a tea shop in Thailand called 'My Fucking Tea Shop' and I don't know whether the owner actually knew what it meant and thought it was funny, or they used Google translate back in the days before it was wholly reliable.


End file.
